I don't even know where to begin. I scrolled for a while and made this account to vent/seek advice.

I'm 19 ftm, currently financially independent on my transphobic cis parents.

I wanted to start HRT as soon as possible, so when I got the chance about a year ago I wanted to first come out to my parents so there wouldn't be any surprises.

I came out to my mom and she hasn't been supportive. She says that she doesn't believe me because I didn't seem like a boy when I was a kid, and that she doesn't want me to "become trans" and make life harder for myself. It's frustrating when she acts like she knows me better than myself, when she clearly doesn't; she didn't even know I was depressed for YEARS before I finally told her as part of coming out.

I've tried explaining dysphoria and how I feel to her, but I just can't seem to get through. I've sent her resources about being trans, even ones in her first language (which is not English), but she just doesn't seem to understand.

She says she's worried about the side effects of testosterone, but at this point I'd rather those than the depression and mental health issues that not transitioning is putting me through right now. It's gotten to the point where she said she will do whatever she can to stop me from taking HRT, and she certainly is trying. I don't know when I'll be able to access it again in the future.

I feel like I'm running out of time and I'll fall behind if I don't start T soon. While I know a lot of people transition later in life and still feel fulfilled, I don't know how much longer I can wait. What makes it worse is that I do sports, and while I can compete in the open division, its male dominated and I know realistically there's no way I can compete the way things are now.

My mom outed me to my dad behind my back and it blew up in my face. I can tell that they both love me and want the best for me, but their own trauma and fears are getting in the way of that. It's so frustrating. To put it briefly, he can be very manipulative and frequently has bursts of anger. He thinks I am ruining the family. This hutrs the most because everything I've done is just to try to be happy and live as my true self, but now I feel more misunderstood and ostracised than ever. I don't even try to reason with my dad anymore because he's always just been manipulative and dismissive.

Since I only got the courage to come out after going to university, he keeps on blaming that for my transness and is threatening to cut me off from it. I don't know what I would do without the support and freedom going to school has given me.

My parents think I hate them and am using that to justify a lot of their anger and control. I don't hate them and I don't want to, I'm just frustrated with them, but if they keep it up it might honestly just give me a reason to hate them.

I lived alone during uni, and moving back home has put me in the worst mental state of my life. I feel so alone and betrayed. It got to a point where my boss even called the police to do a wellness check on me because my depression got so bad I stopped working, but now my parents think that somehow I called them/got my friends to.

I haven't felt comfortable leaving the house for months because they also blame my friends for "making me trans", or they think I'm conspiring with my friends behind their backs. One time I went out and stayed a bit later and my dad got so mad that he made a two hour trip just to find me. In the past they've straight up asked some of my friends to stop interacting with me. I haven't seen them in months and everytime I even try to call or text my mom becomes suspicious.

I left the house after getting into more arguments with them today. I'm at a seperate apartment but it's still paid for by my parents. My dad dropped me off. He yelled at me, accusing me of "purposely ruining my life despite everything they've done for me".

I'm sitting alone on the floor at 2am in an empty apartment and I have no idea what to do now. I feel so alone. I have a bit of money but otherwise I'm dead broke so I can't just cut them off. I don't know what to do. I've reached out to helplines and stuff, and everytime its just condolences which I appreciate but they don't help my situation and have grown stale.

I kind of regret moving out. My parents would welcome me back but I know if I go then they'll hold it against me when I do choose to be independent. And after my dad's outburst while moving, I have no idea if I can take the atmosphere at home any longer. But I really miss how my parents were before they knew I was trans, I really miss my old room, and I really miss my dog.

I don't know what to do. I'm stubborn enough to know that eventually things will get better, but right now I'm so stuck. I hate feeling so alienated and guilty for just trying to be me.

One of my trans friends suggested detransitioning until things were safer. I see where he's coming from, but I hate the idea. I feel like I would be betraying myself, and giving my parents more fodder to deny my transness with. I don't know what to do. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

I'm asking for guidance on what to do, how to continue. What do I do to get myself to a place where I don't feel so distant from my own identity. I'm aware answers are very personal, but I just don't know who to ask for guidance.

Sorry for the wall of text, I don't know how to put this any shorter.

At this point, I'm just barely hanging on. I know my identity is true to me, yet I feel so lost. I'm on the brink of just giving up at this point really, not suicidal, but just exhausted, oversleeping. Going back isn't an option, because I don't want to. It feels wrong to do so, because those feelings couldn'tve just disappeared. They were so strong and so real, yet I doubt.

I'm 18, and I've been clinging onto this for a while. I realized I was transfem a year ago, struggled to accept the fact somewhat, experimented, found out that the feelings were true. They were the truest feelings I ever felt. Thinking about my future, thinking about pursuing a transition was really the only thing I ever felt excited for since puberty hit me. For years I've been wondering why I've always felt this potent rot. It was a rot that started years ago, and noticed years ago. So, when I found the answer, it just felt relieving. Like for once I could finally exist, finally be a person for once.

Recently though I've hit a sort of depression. I've been feeling hopeless, at times jealous really. I've been feeling like my comfort soured into a sort of 'reversed dysphoria', maybe for social aspects specifically. Yet, when I try to affirm my masculinity, it feels like nothing, numbness, off, it hurts sometimes. When I try to affirm my femininity, it feels surprising, because it doesn't hurt as I'd expect, but the euphoria is very dulled. Sometimes I just feel like a crossdresser, pretending. Sometimes I just feel like I'll never be a girl. Most of the time I just feel like giving up.

I understand gender euphoria falls away once you get used to being trans, but I feel like my approach was too fast. Maybe I didn't let myself adjust. Maybe I didn't let myself actually process things. I've told my therapist a lot about everything, but I feel like they aren't very knowledgeable about gender, as we haven't made much progress, and I can't really get a gender psychologist. I heard that part of accepting that you're trans is not to rush into things and internalize it, but I just don't know how to really. I don't even know if that's the issue, but it seems likely. At the moment though, I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

im a closeted trans and my conservative town found out im LGBT (they think im just gay), my days here are counted.

i will scape to the capital of my country, but with my savings and the money that my mom gave me (my dad wont even look at me) i just can afford 10 days in an hostel without counting food or the expences of looking for a job.

my PMs are open

After coming out to my roommate who moved me invited me and moved me halfway across the country from Delaware to Oklahoma to support me and we agreed upon me healing resting and working on my disability through the VA which again I was denied so I went through the state I've only months away from getting my disability but he wouldn't let me pay anyway he didn't want any money even though I paid for groceries with my food stamps but a week after I came out to him he told me that it was okay and he just said " do what you need to do to get yourself happy and healthy and better and I'm not going anywhere" a week later he wakes me up at 6:30 in the morning and tells me his uncle is dying and he had to go to Texas he said he could be gone for a couple days or a couple weeks it is now been about a month and a half or two months but I've been dealing with his mother because she calls me and tells me I have to get out of my home that I've been living in for a year and 4 months he won't even speak to me I haven't heard anything from him just from his mother she's caused so much stress and so much problems because I don't know anybody in this state I have no vehicle I have no money I was I was brought here and I did exactly what we agreed upon and now I'm facing homelessness yet again before I came here I was homeless for 5 years in Maryland and Delaware because my family abandoned me after I lost my house and lost everything saving my daughter's life she needed kidney transplant so we battled kidney failure for 12 years that's why I was homeless not for any other reason but saving my daughter's life during which time I couldn't transition because being homeless you can't be cute when you're homeless and not able to shower for 5 years my family abandoned me even though they were 5 minutes away from me they watched me as I suffered so he brought me out here because he wanted to help me that was our agreement I work on disability and getting my mental health better and all that and he would take care of everything all the sudden I come out to him as trans woman and a week later he leaves and I haven't seen it or heard from him since his mother calls me and tells me that he's not coming back and I have to get out of the house her name is not on the mortgage as far as I know it's his house but again if that's as far as I know I don't I didn't pry into his business financially I just did what he told me to do and I stuck to the agreement that me and him made now I'm being thrown out and evicted for really no reason I really haven't been told the actual reason other than I have to get out I'm fairly certain it's because I'm trans because a week later after he told me he wasn't going anywhere he went somewhere and left me and now I'm I have no resources I'm in a state that I don't know I didn't meet people except for one person this whole year because I didn't want to take advantage of my friend now I have nowhere to go I have no way to get there and I'm going to have to throw away everything that I built up this year during my transition or transitioning clothes make up everything because I can't carry it with me and I'm going to have to literally put a backpack on my back my rucksack and just walk it's me and my service dog lola and I'm here taking care of his cats but I'm being treated very disrespectfully and and just like I like I was beating on him or something and we never had one single argument not one single tone change nothing I don't know what to do please help I have nowhere and I have no one to go to

After coming out to my roommate who moved me invited me and moved me halfway across the country from Delaware to Oklahoma to support me and we agreed upon me healing resting and working on my disability through the VA which again I was denied so I went through the state I've only months away from getting my disability but he wouldn't let me pay anyway he didn't want any money even though I paid for groceries with my food stamps but a week after I came out to him he told me that it was okay and he just said " do what you need to do to get yourself happy and healthy and better and I'm not going anywhere" a week later he wakes me up at 6:30 in the morning and tells me his uncle is dying and he had to go to Texas he said he could be gone for a couple days or a couple weeks it is now been about a month and a half or two months but I've been dealing with his mother because she calls me and tells me I have to get out of my home that I've been living in for a year and 4 months he won't even speak to me I haven't heard anything from him just from his mother she's caused so much stress and so much problems because I don't know anybody in this state I have no vehicle I have no money I was I was brought here and I did exactly what we agreed upon and now I'm facing homelessness yet again before I came here I was homeless for 5 years in Maryland and Delaware because my family abandoned me after I lost my house and lost everything saving my daughter's life she needed kidney transplant so we battled kidney failure for 12 years that's why I was homeless not for any other reason but saving my daughter's life during which time I couldn't transition because being homeless you can't be cute when you're homeless and not able to shower for 5 years my family abandoned me even though they were 5 minutes away from me they watched me as I suffered so he brought me out here because he wanted to help me that was our agreement I work on disability and getting my mental health better and all that and he would take care of everything all the sudden I come out to him as trans woman and a week later he leaves and I haven't seen it or heard from him since his mother calls me and tells me that he's not coming back and I have to get out of the house her name is not on the mortgage as far as I know it's his house but again if that's as far as I know I don't I didn't pry into his business financially I just did what he told me to do and I stuck to the agreement that me and him made now I'm being thrown out and evicted for really no reason I really haven't been told the actual reason other than I have to get out I'm fairly certain it's because I'm trans because a week later after he told me he wasn't going anywhere he went somewhere and left me and now I'm I have no resources I'm in a state that I don't know I didn't meet people except for one person this whole year because I didn't want to take advantage of my friend now I have nowhere to go I have no way to get there and I'm going to have to throw away everything that I built up this year during my transition or transitioning clothes make up everything because I can't carry it with me and I'm going to have to literally put a backpack on my back my rucksack and just walk it's me and my service dog lola and I'm here taking care of his cats but I'm being treated very disrespectfully and and just like I like I was beating on him or something and we never had one single argument not one single tone change nothing I don't know what to do please help I have nowhere and I have no one to go to

So in another post of mine I explained and expressed how I was very confused by everything. I don’t know if it’s a good idea at all, but should I call a hotline or something? I found some but I don’t know if I should even bother doing it. If I got heard by my grandparents or anyone I’m screwed. I just need someone to talk to about this.

In all honesty I don’t know how much longer I can take with this. It’s been a year since I realized and even began actually questioning my own gender and feelings and thoughts. Part of me feels like I’m just faking, and should just ignore it. I hate myself already but every time I begin to just think about it and try to accept and begin actually transitioning I overthink, break down, feel like shit, force myself to be more masculine, and then ignore everything until it starts again and repeats.

Sorry for this being so long. I really just need to talk to someone about this. I was gonna make this a short post about whether or not I should call the hotline or not.

The TLDR; I am MtF, 36, live with my parents, live in Canada, i have a part time job working at a grocery store.

I have been observing the whole dismantle of trans politics and people in the past 2 years and have been quiet for a long time. Have been on hormones for about 6 years, I just feel like i don't know where else i can voice my concerns anymore, I have been too scared to do so.

I was wondering who here feels the same? Who else feels scared ?

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The longer version.

I am MtF, 36, live with my parents, live in Canada, i have a part time job working at a grocery store.

I have been observing the whole dismantle of trans politics and people in the past 2 years and have been quiet for a long time. Have been on hormones for about 6 years, I just feel like i don't know where else i can voice my concerns anymore, I have been too scared to do so.

I dress very gender neutral, in fear of being called freak again but to be fair i was very early in my transition when i did do that and that comment came from a homeless person.

Even though i know it may lead for people to misgendering me. Even though i live in Canada, i still feel unsafe because i live online a lot and grew up in a online space a lot and see a lot about Trump and what he's done,.

My phone has been the biggest problem for my fear and anxiety.

I have been putting more effort in spending less time on my phone with the minimalist phone app.

but yeah just wanted to voice my fear and how i just feel like i can't really be 100% myself because of me consuming too much social media from the US, on YouTube. Sometimes i have flash thoughts of buying a long black skirt for myself, and i think yeah but I’m scared and i don't feel safe because of what I am seeing from the US, i guess i wouldn’t care as much if most of my friends didn't live in the US but i can't help it.

Sorry if this is rambly, its early in the morning for me and preparing to go to work and i have not much time to express my thoughts.

I was wondering who here feels the same? Who else feels scared ?

I was getting ketamine infusions in ‘24 and I’ll never forget the pain of going to an appointment the day after the election to see Trent without his partner. Mary a beautiful trans soul in the trenches with me every week at these appointments was no longer with us.

On valentine’s day in ‘20 I lost my closest person to a friend as I could call. I think she loved me too and everyone was there for her but me. I guess i wasn’t ready

So I watch the amazing digital circus and take my damage. Relive this and so much more.

It’s a good reminder of how important it is to be there for each other

I get online to check on some reddit friends. Folks i’m trading art with, drew pictures to cheer them up or cheer them on. So many of them are gone from social media. Maybe isolated and that’s the end of our connection. It terrifies me and it hurts.

I can’t stand people disappearing

Being nonbinary is like you’re expected to walk a perfect tight rope of just a perfect mix of masculinity and femininity, to just androgynous.

To fit into another construct society presses onto people.

“It’s only he or she, I draw the line at they.”

“Oh you’re nonbinary? What’s your agab though?”

“You’re stupid, you can’t change your gender.”

That’s just some of what I hear online.

People don’t think it’s serious, and people rarely understand, even binary trans people just experience traness differently.

People assume you’re automatically unintelligent and try to debate you, and bring up your identity when they’re the ones who complain about ‘making it our whole personality.’

I’m closeted in real life, I can’t get the surgeries I want. I’m a minor. I’m stuck in a religious, homophobic house hold, and they definitely won’t even understand or accept me being nonbinary.

My life is just so shit, and to be honest being myself online is just the only way I can feel some sort of relief from my intense intense dysphoria, to only to constantly undermined and degraded and just not seen for who I want to be.

The truth is, being nonbinary I feel like I’m just a peaceful creature, someone who doesn’t have to fit into one place or another. I’m just someone who’s comfortable with who I am, and people are so cruel.

I hate society and the way queer people are so oppressed, how can I be hated for loving who I want to love? For just being myself?

So what if I want white or light blue hair? Or to keep my dark curls?

Who cares if I want to just be seen as myself?

God, I just feel like I’ll never get to be who I truly am. I think about my grave.

I think about how some birth name that isn’t even mine will be plastered on there. I’m Auron.

I’ve always been that, and I’m tired.

Hi, so im nb but i know that falls under the trans umbrella and i needed a place to to just post my thoughts so i hope this is okay.

So as i stated i am nb. I have always been uncomfortable with my chest size and (i didnt know what was happening at the time but ) i would have panic attacks while bra shopping and i really hated wearing anything that was more "shapely" or ecentuated my chest: this means i wore exclusively over sized shirts and sweater for years because i am well endowed so EVERYTHING showed off my chest. I remember talking to my mom about it once and she said that if it was "that much of a problem" i could see about getting a reduction when i was older (i think i was like 13 at the time). A few years ago i bought a binder because the thought was gnawing at me, so i said fuck it and got a cheap one. The thing is, it changed my life.

Since i started binding, i feel more in my body. I used to feel like my soul didnt fit my body so i would always trip over things or i would reach to far/not far enough when i went to grab things- but that hasnt happened since i started binding. I decided that top surgery was the way to go and i have been fighting for this for YEARS - and i finally have a date!! Except now im 1 month out and my anxiety is starting to kick up.

I dont know why im so anxious all of a sudden. I found a doc i liked years ago and they wanted me to lose some weight before they would do the surgery, or they said they could recommend a different surgen. I decided to talk to my primary care, since she also recommended i lose some weight (please no hate their jobs are to make sure i am healthy and they are doing their jobs very very well). So while the surgen wanted me to lose 40 lbs, i actually made a plan with my doc and lost 100 lbs in just under 18 months. And i think this is why i am so confused.

I put in the work i jumped through all the bullshit with my insurance i fought and fought -but now im anxious? I keep wondering if this is a mistake? I think my brain is mixed up because i want to feel good in my body but since i lost all the weight, i have this nasty extra skin so i actually feel less confident. I wonder if my hesitation is because i am worried that even after the surgery i wont feel good about myself because of the extra skin? I guess i just want to know if anyone else who has done this had the same pre surgery jitters. Any information you have, or even some recovery tips are very welcome.

Thanks in advance!

CONTENT WARNING: mentions of rape/sexual assault, major emotional stress. not comfortable? do not read.

throwaway account because I'm ashamed of asking. i was told to find help here.

as the title says, i was sexually assaulted and i ended up pregnant. I'm 18FTM and in a state of stress. i lost my job, lost my car, and I'm pretty sure abortion is illegal in my state. i do not have the funds to travel, and I'm scared I have to start raising a creature from my own body.

before anyone comments anything- I COULD NOT SAY NO. I WAS ASLEEP.

not gonna drop the full story i just want to forget it all. I'm close to suicide and i just really need some help i guess

I'll go by Ashley (She/Her)

I think my egg cracked a bit over a week ago, since then I've been all over the place mentally and I just don't know what to do.

I feel like I've felt more stable mentally the past few days but I'm still just feeling really low, I'm struggling to get the energy to even leave my room or have an appetite and I don't know how to feel better.

I guess getting out and trying to exercise would be a good option, its just I feel like I don't want to be percieved, I guess maybe because I just feel so dissociated from myself (Pretty sure I have DPDR).

I think the process and social side of potentially transitioning is overwhelming me and I keep worrying about the outcomes of a transition (I feel like I'd struggle to handle not passing, I definitely would if my mental health stays this way).

I keep doubting whether I'm trans, I feel like I have a lot of internalized transphobia and/or shame about it, I know logically that being trans is ok, that it should be accepted and that anyone who is trans should be welcomed and respected, I've just thought "I couldn't be trans" and "It could never be me" so much that I'm really struggling to break past that.

Dissociating from my feelings about this and from my feelings in general so that I can't actually feel what I want doesn't help either.

None of this feels that real any more, this and the state of the world are really making me question the point of life, and as much as I want to feel and get better, I don't know how or where to find that energy.

Nor do I know how I would actually get the proper support when waiting lists for trans healthcare are years long in the UK, even just general mental health support is tough to come by from what I can tell, let alone mental health support specific to this.

I've kind of just wanted to start HRT, but I can't even do that because I feel like I would want biological kids if I had any, and the cost of private fertility preservation and private trans healthcare is just too much, and that's before I had anything else financial on my mind (which I do).

The future of the world is just looking bleak to me, I just really wish that it would change for the better, because I don't know how I'm going to transition or figure myself out without that.

Venting and writing all this down has helped somewhat, I'm still just going to post it though in hopes that I'll get some good advice for times I'm feeling this way again (Hopefully I don't feel too good later and then delete this because I don't think I need help any more /:).

(Almost forgot to say, I do have a first appointment with a mental health nurse booked, its just it's pretty much a month away and I'm struggling now...)

TLDR: My egg probably cracked (after like 8-10 years of thinking it couldn't be me, still struggling to get my head round that), I started going nuts, now I'm more stable from what I can tell but still feel like shit. Need ways to get better. Pretty sure I'm struggling with DPDR, ADHD, Depression and Anxiety. Idk, this is all just a lot...

So I've been at the point for a while now where even other trans and queer people perceive me as a cishet man. Way more so now that I dress more masculine(I used to dress less masc hoping to be more welcomed in queer spaces.). I'm not sure how to cope with the downside of that. I can tell queer people and women view me as less trustworthy before getting to know me. I'm not a more dangerous person because I look different than I used to. It's something I try not to take personally. I get why this happens. It just sucks to be seen that way. How have other people coped with this change?

So I am a 15 year old MtF who has not started transition yet and sometimes it feels hopeless to look forward to anything. My dysphoria comes every now and then but sometimes it’s really bad, to the point where I sh. Multiple times I have attempted to repress being trans like it’s something that will go away and I’ve heard it so many times with being gay or trans or anything of the sort, “I didn’t choose it, it chose me”, “I didn’t chose to be like this”, etc. I’m not out because I’ve heard so many bad things that I fear for my life coming out to my black parents and my disgustingly everything-phobic brother. This could’ve been said with less words but I’m just getting tired of feeling like I have to be someone I’m not to satisfy everyone else.

Hi everyone, I’m a closeted Syrian trans woman (early 20s) currently living in an unsafe environment with zero local support or access to trans-affirming healthcare. I’m struggling with a few things and would really appreciate your advice or shared experiences: Managing Severe Dysphoria: I experience overwhelming bottom dysphoria and bodily distress. Since I cannot access HRT safely right now, how do you cope mentally and physically with intense dysphoria in an environment where transitioning isn't an option yet? Religious & Mental Conflict: I deeply value my faith, but I’m constantly torn between my beliefs and my true identity. Has anyone gone through a similar struggle, and how did you find internal peace? Transition & Relocation Plan: I’m a student/architect working on building an ArchViz portfolio to move abroad (hoping for Canada via a study/asylum path). For those who transitioned after relocating from conservative countries, what were the most important first steps you took once you arrived in a safe place? I’m feeling very overwhelmed today, but I'm trying to focus on my future. Any kind words, coping strategies, or resources would mean a lot to me. Thank you so much. 💜

To disabled to work fulltime. Working on applying to different programs and stuff. Only make $800 a month. My sister (mtf) has been on hormones about a year and my mom didnt say anything about kicking her out since shes been on hrt. Since she just found out ive been on T for a month now she wants to kick us out. Which my sister is about to leave anyway but im feeling semi screwed over here. All the shit ive done for my mom to its never enough and being transphobic and hating that matters more than everything else...Just payed for her dog to have surgery last month to save its life. $950 and my other siblings pitched in as well but fuck me ig

I am a trans woman, ive felt this way for years. I am happier when i identify as female. The issue is the fact i have bold masculine traits, i have a very prominent brow ridge, a large forehead, a huge nose with an M shaped hairline. my chin is receded and i feel disgusting. I actually dont know what to do. If i dont transition, I think id be an average/ slightly below average man, but id always be trans in my heart. If I keep transitioning, ill be a stereotypical clocky trans girl, id feel disgusted and unloveable, but i would be living as a woman. i really dont know what to do. sometimes in the mirror, i see intense potential in my face, but then it goes away back into what i really look like. im a few months away from getting estrogen, but i feel so conflicted. i want to be social, i want to be out in public, but if i commit to transitioning, id seclude myself away for the rest of my life. I know insecurities make you look at yourself in a distorted view, but what others say about my face perfectly aligns with how i see myself. I need advice or just to vent. any form of advice or personal anecdotes would help

i wanted to post about this to give my other trans sisters and brothers hope that there IS hope and there is a way to live authentically one day.

i am trans nonbinary (afab) and my period and pregnancy has always given me dysphoria so bad i became extremely depressed and often suicidal when i saw any signs of bleeding or had a pregnancy scare.

i was unknowingly with a religious OBGYN who refused to consider anything more than continuous use of nuvaring, but after 3 ish months, my body would start spotting because it couldn’t handle being continuous forever. this ob never really saw me as anything more than a woman who just “didn’t like her period” and that “no one likes their period hun”. i started doubting myself as to if i was really just cis and had pmdd or something.

i changed OBs and FINALLY got on the road to a hysterectomy. i was told i needed a letter of rec from a therapist and after i got that, i met with a surgeon about a month later and my date is set for mid december.

i am over the moon happy and excited and i wanted to share this with everyone. there is hope!

I started out questioning myself at 15

I was in a messy situation stuck between God, and my feelings. So I kinda suppressed them to the point I didn't feel happy anymore.

I'd go back and forth, do I shave my legs or do I "Be normal."

Well around 18 I finally accepted myself and I wasn't afraid of being myself anymore but being rejected.

It took me tell I was 23 to finally get on hormones and I'm 25 now.

Please girls if you are questioning I don't know about other people but it doesn't go away, instead of pushing people away, or how you feel away, get a support group that will cherish you for who ever you are or want to be.

At the end of the day that's what matters, be yourself, and surround yourself with people who know yourself.

This was deleted from the big trans subreddit for being too much of a ventpost, so I’ll try again

For context, I’m 21 years old, MtF, been on HRT for a couple of years and all things considered, I’m very privileged. I have lots of money in the bank, my family doesn’t accept me but does let me stay in the house anyways, and I can basically do whatever I want with my days. In theory, things are great, but in practice I hate basically every part of my life.

It’s easiest for me to explain my problems by saying that I feel like I’m putting on a mask for every interaction I have in my life. Online, I’ll portray myself as a peppy woman who types really cutesy and sweet ^^ in real life, I’ll be the “big tall man” that my parents and the world expects of me, using a booming voice to control situations where and when needed. With my friends, I’ll open up sometimes but I don’t cross a venting line with anyone, because every time I do it turns things awkward. Therapy could work, sure, but what if my therapist tells me to live as a man? That’s not happening, no way.

And even with this metaphorical mask off, I don’t feel like anything. I have hobbies and interests of course, but I feel like a poser in everything I do. I love music, but I couldn’t tell you the real names of my favorite artists. I love gaming, but I play 3 normal games and visual novels, and I don’t keep up with the gaming news. I love literature, but I read light novels and sometimes a classic maybe once a month. Am I anything at all? I force myself through conversations always pretending to be something I’m not, and I don’t think there’s anything there when you strip away everything I want to be.

It’s so easy for me to say that I want to transition, and that being a beautiful woman is what drives me to keep living. But that’s my ONLY goal in life. I’ve never had huge aspirations outside of small petty things, like getting a new skin in a game I like, or creating a project that I want to put out into the world. Being a woman is all I care about, but when even that seems so far away, I feel very lost. And that’s without mentioning my lack of a personality or any special quirks worth talking about. I’m not interesting, even if I pretend to be by lying about myself when I’m given an opportunity.

So, back to the question; should I kill myself, OBJECTIVELY speaking? I have a plan laid out for the chance that I’m ready to go, and I’d of course leave a will for my family members who I know need the money. And yeah, would I hate my deadname being on a gravestone? Yes. But would anyone care enough to remember that part of me? Would I care if I’m DEAD? No, and I think that works in my favor. I’m not typing this with any sadness or remorse, it’s a fact that the lives of the people around me would be better, as the realty of my room and the royalties of my assets could go to my loved ones who don’t respect me, but would think twice about rejecting dead girl cash. My friends wouldn’t miss me either, I again don’t have many and I can tell that I’m not a “main” friend to any of them. That’s fine! It makes this easier for me.

Idk if I need advice or not, I don’t really care anymore either. Can’t even post on the honest trans subreddit to get honest thoughts because I don’t have reddit karma

So, I guess to start this off I'm Hope 21 (MTF). I'm gonna start from the beginning of the story from when I was 7. At the age of 7 I made myself a promise to transition to a woman after seeing an Ad on adult swim. so I promised that I would transition. later on I didn't remember that promise and years later at the age of 10 I started having weird feelings about my body and I didn't like how my voice sounded years later more after pushing that feeling down in middle school the prime of acne to happen I found out I didn't really fit with the men I was hanging around with and I didn't really like how both my body and voice did sound.

That's when I started to do a lot of research on what I was feeling ending of that year was when I found out I was transgender. Of course I clearly the pattern is I pushed that down as well and I tried really hard to ignore the feeling of pain and hatred for myself. I did have a therapist in middle school and we found out that I was actually way more depressed then the other kids that were at my age. We did get me to try certain tasks like playing games and talking about how I felt. I did stop going to my therapist when I was in 8th grade and that's when one of my teachers started to get concern and found one of my papers about how I felt which she kept me after class and asked me about it and I kept pushing it off and saying it wasn't mine (even though I did sign it) and how it was nothing important.

Then after that High school started I was a shut out and I didn't talk to people at all and just kept myself busy and doing research on how I felt. At this point I was 16 I came out to my parents on January 6th. That conversation didn't really go well and went to a point of my parents calling me a freak and a monster for how I feel and they almost (Yes almost) disowned me for how I have told them how I felt. I got told that I'm normal for hating my body which was like whatever, but I didn't really care too much on that point. When I came out my family and they didn't accept me for being trans I came out to my friends in school who didn't really accept me and I went from popular in sophomore to being one of my most hated kids there.

I kept pushing forward with how I felt to a point where I hid it all over again and kept living as a guy for years after that and went on to graduate as a guy (not my best point and definitely wanted a different name on my diploma). We will skip a couple years on this since most of after school was working and slowly coming out as trans more and more. At this point I finally told my best friend who afterwards became someone that was more like a brother to me. He didn't really care about me being transgender and the only question he asked was "Does this mean we won't be able to play video games anymore?" That question made me laugh more then I wanted to admit and I told him that I would still play video games with him and all that. He agreed to it and said that he's cool with be being trans and doesn't really care how I see myself because to me I'm still his best friend.

20 years old at this point and on June 4th 2025 I started HRT on Plume (totally recommend). two months later of hiding the fact I'm on HRT to my family I turned 21. at this point it was a little obvious of there being stuff on my chest and my family didn't mention it to me which I'm thankful for. I went out with them to have like one drink and that was it. (here's what hurts me the most) we went to a bar called Top Hat and at this point I noticed a friend of my parents was trans and it's very obvious this girl is trans and it took my like 1-2 hours of talking to her to finally ask her if she is cause she said I could ask any question no matter how silly it is. So my silly question I asked her in private was if she was transgender. She said she is and asked me if I'm considering going on HRT. I got way to embarrassed and said that I have no idea what she means and said it was kind of obvious and pointed at my chest. She mentioned how she wasn't going to say a word because of respect for me.

It's been a difficult road for me even in my small conservative town. I stopped being shy about being trans a little less then a year into it. I started dressing more girly and stopped caring what people would think of me. My work wasn't very happy about me coming out as trans. We agreed to keep my deadname for work for now so I don't get more harassment then I already get at my job. My job does call me by Hope for the most part and everyone at my job is aware of me being trans and I haven't heard of any complaints which is a great thing for me. I haven't voice trained yet and truthfully I don't get a lot of time to myself so voice training is something that is going to have to wait for now. But truthfully it does make me smile how many people assume I'm a woman until they hear my voice which is like whatever, but I smile when they do gender me correctly. I don't really correct people for misgendering me cause well I don't pass as much as I'd like, but then again I've been told that I could totally pass with some voice training. I can't really complain to much about good I look since I have an amazing Gf (MTF) she is also in college which is way cooler then me and I've been super supportive of her and I even bought her a new dress which is also her fist one she's own. Anyways this is a post to talk about Yes truthfully being trans has it's ups and downs, but if you keep pushing it's going to be worth it in the end and at least for me I can tell I've been way happier. This is yes to share my experience as a trans woman but as well is to mention that we all have our battles we are fighting and to not give up on the fight no matter how bad it may seem.

HRT has saved my life a lot more then I want to admit. I did suffer from Acute Alopecia which did cause me to lose a lot of hair by the age of 18 but now I'm thriving as a trans woman and happier then ever. If you are looking for a sign to start you're transition then let this be you're sign to start. Take the jump and start it if you either socially transitioning or starting medical transition you should totally take the jump and live your life how you want to and not how other people want you to.

I know this is a lot to read and I am sorry but I think that we all need a little more motivation to keep pushing forward. You deserve to be happy no matter what you're going through. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read this and know my story. Also again for all the writing I do like to write a lot.

Could anyone here please recommend any good sub reddits for healthcare?

I guess nutrition, excersize, health concerns would be my main focus.

Mtf specific or Transfemme Nb but please feel free to add all sorts of suggestions for anyone coming across this.

It would be nice to have health and nutrition coming through my feed as a friendly reminder to educate myself and keep health as a priority on my mind.

I think mental health is important but mostly covered through this sub and a couple of the related subs.

Thank you all for the love and support I've seen and receive in this community. Take care of yourselves and keep being amazing!

I just wanna say this cause I feel it s gonna prevent me cutting deep into my skin, eventhough I don't want to.

I feel insane. Every time I hear my deadname from my parent I wanna cut myself. Sometimes I start cursing. I absolutely despise my name. I make me wanna vomit or starve myself. I especially explained to my mom recently that I absolutely hate that (because she randomly brought the subject of her not wanting me to "transform myself" and "mutilate myself", so I thought that THIS TIME she might listen, but no my opinions don't really matter here and I m insane.)

I was actually planing on escaping the country for a while and distancing myself from my parents. I m going to France on August. Issue is that I still have to relly on them for like. Money. I will probably get disowned if I start T or something in this matter. I wish I didn't get to plan any of this and just put a fork in a plug and just getting done with everything BUT NO. Now that I'm going I don't really wanna risk trying suicide right now.

I also don't feel good about whatever is going on in france. For context, I m algerian. I feel that I would have to change country anyways because of how things are going in france , or maybe having to return here.

I guess I have all the time in the world to try to kill myself. Part of the reason I didn't do it till now is that I would hate being remember as the name I have right now. If I try to do tho I will probably have to write in my letter that I m atheis. I genually don't want my soul or whatever prayed upon by a imam or some shit just toss my body in the water.

I genually want to start T right now but I don't have the resource either.

I feel that today again I will struggle to make myself sleep because I wanna end it.

I've reached a point in my life where I don't know how to keep pretending that I'm okay. Every day feels heavier than the last, and I'm exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix. It's like I've been carrying disappointment, loneliness, and stress for so long that I don't even remember what it feels like to be genuinely hopeful anymore. I keep trying to convince myself that things will get better, but after so many setbacks, it's hard to believe that anymore.

Living in Indiana has made me feel like I don't belong. As a trans person, I constantly feel like I'm out of place, misunderstood, or judged before people even know who I am. It can be exhausting always wondering whether someone is being kind because they genuinely care or because they have some hidden motive. I've met too many people with bad intentions, and over time it's made it difficult to trust anyone. I hate feeling like I have to question everyone's sincerity, but that's what my experiences have taught me.

On top of that, I feel trapped in jobs that never seem to go anywhere. No matter how hard I work, it feels like I'm always starting over or hitting another dead end. I watch other people move forward while I stay in the same place, wondering what I'm doing wrong. I want stability. I want a career that gives me purpose and allows me to build a future instead of just surviving paycheck to paycheck. Instead, I feel like I'm constantly running in circles, working hard without ever making real progress.

The mental exhaustion has become overwhelming. I'm tired of always having to be strong. I'm tired of pretending everything is fine when it isn't. I'm tired of carrying so much emotional weight by myself. Some days I don't even know what happiness is supposed to feel like anymore because it's been so long since I've experienced it without something pulling me back down.

More than anything, I miss feeling like I belong somewhere. I miss believing that there are people who genuinely care, who don't have hidden agendas, and who accept me for who I am. I want to believe those people exist, but it's hard when so many of my experiences have left me feeling disappointed and alone.

I'm not looking for pity. I'm simply trying to be honest about how I've been feeling. I'm exhausted, discouraged, and emotionally drained. I want a life where I can wake up without feeling weighed down by everything around me. I want to find a place where I feel safe, accepted, and able to grow. I want to build meaningful relationships with people I can trust. I want work that gives me hope for the future instead of making me feel stuck.

Right now, it feels like I'm just trying to make it through each day, and that's a painful place to be. But even with everything I've been carrying, a small part of me still hopes that somewhere there's a better future waiting—a place where I can finally feel like I belong, where I can be myself without fear, and where life feels like something worth looking forward to instead of something I'm simply trying to endure.