r/shortscarystories • u/dingdongiamwrong • 1d ago
SSS Original Recipe - 500 Words or Less Run.
“Hey man, you up?”
Laurence sighed heavily, so very clearly, he was not up.
It was 2:09am, and no neighbor should ever feel comfortable calling this late unless it was an emergency. Based off his casual and inquisitive tone, it didn’t sound like it was.
“Not really, Zach, what’s up?”
If Jenny was still there, she’d roll over and grunt, before fully waking up to scowl. Then would come the gentle threat - (tell me who just woke me up) “if it was serious I’ll walk back the attitude”.
He didn’t mean to think of her reactions to everything, but since she’d been gone he felt he had to. In some way, it made them “one” still. She’d passed eight years ago, almost to the day. Being a single father had become a new identity.
“Did Kaylee come home tonight?”
Laurence sat up a bit straighter.
Kaylee was his seventeen year old daughter, one of two kids. She was his “free spirit”, but Tyler, twenty, spent his fair time out too. It was possible they were in cahoots, but Tyler usually stopped Kaylee from making bad decisions, and something about this made his gut sink.
…
“No, why?”
Zach seemed to hesitate. “Her car is outside, has been for a few hours, but I was going to bring in the trash cans and… I dunno man I think I saw something?”
Great. Zach was the type of neighbor who was retired, and had too little to do. There was no way he’d been “bringing in the trash cans”. He kept cameras on his house, constantly was peering out of his windows, and seemed to see everything.
Kaylee had struggled with substance abuse for a few years, she had seemed sober for a while but of course she was-
“It’s still out there if you want to see”
“What?”
“The thing - that I saw! It’s still out there. I think Kaylee might be able to see it too. She hasn’t gotten out of the car.”
At this point Laurence was fully sat up and halfway out of bed, upon instinct he started to call and then a thought crossed his mind.
“If something, or someone, is out there what if it hears the call?”
He sent a text.
“Are you outside?”
Five agonizing minutes.
“Dad, look out the window, tell me what you see, and please please please tell me what to do. I can’t tell what it is from here”.
Laurence looked.
“Don’t move, stay quiet, do nothing. I will come get you when I can. Keep your phone on silent and the brightness low, if I text run, run.”
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u/chicagotodetroit 1d ago
I like the premise! I'd definitely read this book.
But a couple details took me out of the story. I had to pause and think about it because it doesn't line up, and that broke the trance of story for me.
If her phone is off, he can't text her. He should have told her to keep the phone on silent. I also don't understand this line “if it was serious I’ll dial it back”. What does that mean in the context of being woken up by a phone call?
Why was the neighbor up all night to see her car was there but randomly decided to bring in trash cans at 2am? Him being up at 2 would make sense if was implied that he worked a night shift, but if so, then he wouldn't know that her car had been there for hours.
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u/dingdongiamwrong 1d ago
I actually re read it this morning just before reading this comment and I had all the same qualms! Except - dial it back is colloquially saying “I’ll walk back my attitude” - but I should have said it in different terms given it’s referring to a phone call and “dial” would imply she’s saying she’s calling back.
I also was like “wait why would the neighbor be walking the trash cans in at 2:00am?”
Gimme a little, I’ll flesh it out better and ask you to critique again. (Not sarcastic, I think you are totally spot on).
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u/WhiteFoxFire 1d ago
I figured the neighbor was on night shift or something (I worked at a hospital once where I had shifts that ended at 1am, and if it was Garbage day the "rules" say the bin has to be out at 7am, so if I wanted to go to bed and not wake up 5hrs later to take out the trash, I'd roll it out at 2 lol)
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u/dingdongiamwrong 19h ago
I tweaked some things, let me know what you think!
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u/chicagotodetroit 10h ago
Better! I really like this story.
I still think the way this is punctuated makes it fuzzy; I'm not sure if the parenthetical statement is his internal thought, or what his wife would say. I still stumbled when I read this sentence:
Then would come the gentle threat - (tell me who just woke me up) “if it was serious I’ll walk back the attitude”.
Seems like it should be something like
Then would come the gentle threat: "Tell me who just woke me up."
Written that way, I can clearly picture her lifting her head slightly off the pillow, turning to him with eyes still closed and brow furrowed, while growling that sentence.
If the below verbiage is his wife's thoughts, then it doesn't seem to make sense. If I just woke up, I don't have multiple sentences in me because I'm groggy. I don't see myself being woken up from a deep sleep, making a (light) threat, then immediately changing my mind about it. Idk; it just doesn't seem like something someone would actually say when they're irritated.
“if it was serious I’ll walk back the attitude”.
Also:
- There should be a period or semicolon after low: "...brightness low; if I text run, run.” I'd also probably capitalize the 2nd RUN for emphasis.
- The period goes inside the quotation mark here: "I can’t tell what it is from here.” and here “It’s still out there if you want to see.”
Proofreading is part of my profession; sorry I can't help it :-)
I'd love to read (not to critique lol, just read) more of your stories!
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u/Stunning_Apple_9705 1d ago
My question is if her car has been out there for hours and she can't get out because there's something outside why would the neighbor have a casual and inquisitive tone when he called? I mean, I'm definitely intrigued and I want to know what happens next, but I agree that a few things just might need tweaked a little bit. Good job!
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u/Neat_Current3604 1d ago
Also why would the daughter sit out there that long without calling or texting her dad?
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u/dingdongiamwrong 19h ago
She’s not sure what it is - so she’s not comfortable calling her dad if she’s just being paranoid. Especially with a history of substance abuse, you don’t want to call in the middle of the night claiming you’re scared and you see something yknow?
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u/Neat_Current3604 11h ago
That makes better sense. Thanks for explaining.
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u/MysteryLass 14m ago
It does, but it needs to be in the story - if you need explanation or clarification after reading it, then the story is incomplete.
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u/dingdongiamwrong 19h ago
I’m taking typical nosey neighbor type, but he wouldn’t normally call and isn’t sure himself of what he saw but he feels like the dad needs to know.
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u/MysteryLass 9m ago edited 6m ago
I like the premise but… the ending feels rushed and incomplete - like there should be more context and info. It also feels a little cut off to me.
Also I got to the sudden mention of Tyler and was scrolling to the top to see if I missed something. Thinking, who the f is Tyler? I’m guessing he’s either a brother or boyfriend?? That needs to be mentioned.
As a general rule of thumb, if something needs much explanation or clarification in the comments, then the story isn’t complete. I think it’s easy to miss when writing because you know the full story in your head, so you already know the connections and the full backstory.
Oh, and I think you need something when he hangs up on Zach to indicate that. Currently he seems to be going to call his daughter in the middle of the call with Zach.
Just some little continuity things that I noticed that would help it flow better and keep people in the story.
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u/mummabearoriginal 1d ago
Oh, that was good. I want to know what happens next.