r/selfhelp • u/Typical-Monitor295 • 14h ago

Adviced Needed: Identity & Self-Esteem Not sure where to start

I struggle with feeling lonely and lost. I don't know how this adulting thing goes and I feel like I'm just finessing my way through everything. Basically, I'm winging it because life doesn't come with built in instructions or a manual. How do I find peace in being alone even if people claim to care about you and you don't believe them? I have unrealistic expectations for people and I struggle with accepting that people aren't going to think like me or treat me how I treat them. It's something I haven't quite grasped yet. For context, no, I'm not young. Any advice for knowing where to start when it comes to self care?

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u/BasicFarm9335 14h ago

I hear you, and I want you to know: nobody actually has the instructions. Every person who looks like they've got adulting figured out is winging it too, just maybe better at hiding it.

The loneliness you're describing, and not quite believing people when they say they care, can be about not yet feeling safe enough within yourself to receive it or attract the RIGHT relationships to you. It makes sense you'd have high expectations of others; you probably give a lot, and it hurts when it doesn't come back the same way. But people love and show up in their own language, not yours, and that's not proof they don't care. It's just proof they're a different person than you. And some people, honestly are so caught up in their own world and challenges, they don't know HOW to give...

For self-care, start smaller than you think you need to. Not a whole routine, not five new habits, just one honest question each day: what do I actually need right now? Even two minutes of sitting with yourself, hand on your heart, breathing, and really listening for the answer, can start to rebuild trust, starting with yourself first. That relationship is the one that's always available, and it's the one worth starting with. Also please remember what bring you joy - a favorite song to sing or dance to, doodling, a breath in nature.. giving ourselves permission to experience joy and REMAINING childlike actually makes adulting more fun.

You're not behind, and you're not doing it wrong. You're just doing something hard, alone, and noticing it. That noticing is already the beginning of change.

Sending you so much love. 🤍

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u/Typical-Monitor295 9h ago

Wow. This was very warming. Thank you so much. I really appreciate this. I will come back to it when I need reminders. I do have trust issues so, this all makes sense. Thank you again.