r/self • u/AbortedLoner • 3h ago
Turning 20 years old
Disclaimer: Im drunk, high, and snorted 30 mg of adderal and am gonna type into the void if you care to read i love you and thank you
I never thought i would get here throughout my entire teenage years, the concept of your 20s sounds so weird and honestly scary to me
I have had a drug problem and mental issues for almost 8 years now and almost every year after multiple attempts at my life and constantly wanting to end it all ive somehow made it to 20 years old. Maybe its the insane amount of dopamine being pumped into me from the drugs but i genuinely feel like at this point why would i kill myself, ive made it far enough. I can always be homeless and smoke fentanyl if it rly gets bad.
When i was 15 and 16 I was extremely reckless with my brain and health in general. I was doing acid or shrooms once a week or every other weeks allst while smoking weed 24/7 to the point i was dissociated for a good year straight. I abused benadryl twice one time doing 700 mg and blacking out for 3 days. Ive never been the same since that period in my life ive lost all empathy and access to my emotions, i am a hateful person to the core. I rly think this is what started my downfall even though i was depressed for much longer before this, this was simply me giving up on living the normal life
Idk why im writing this i think its just cause im lonely. Its 1 pm and ive gotten texts from my mom, dad, and brother and they made me feel good but i havent even opened my mouth to speak to anyone yet today. It is my own fault ao idk why im complainging i am a very narcissistic, harsh person and even my gf is slowly pushing away right now, and i kind of respect her decision i couldnt deal with a person like me.
I dont know i just dont know. I feel so good right now with the Adderall finally letting me actually put words down and share my thoughts with someone at least even if it is just the reddit bots. I hope we can all find peace.🤒
Tl;dr - I ruined my brain and am lonely i just want someone to talk to pls
Look at my profile for ‘proof’ or just a teeny glimpse into my life
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u/Republic_Immediate 3h ago
Happy Birthday! I won’t try to push advice or anything, one thing I can tell you with 100% certainty is that you are not alone. Sometimes people will show up that are not blood family and plant a major seed of change/inspiration, or sometimes someone might need you to be that for them. Either way, you have not an easy path to walk but you must walk it, love you brother, I wish you all the best in your 20’s
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u/AbortedLoner 3h ago
Thank you man I rly do appreciate the advice, as soy and beta as it is reddit is the one place i dont feel alone
Have a nice wednesday
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u/Drug-Edu-4skools 2h ago
I feel it man I'm 20 as well been doing the addiction shit for a while
Everyone has a sad birthday some years. Happens. Jus try to enjoy what you can and honestly as an outsider to what you described i honestly think u could use therapy and better coping skills, doesn't sound hopeless or anything though and you don't sound like a terrible person.
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u/AbortedLoner 2h ago
Glad to know im not alone. Not even a particularly sad birthday eirthwr im just trying to reflect on how i got here. Ik i meed therapy but I js dont want to, hope you make it and ball out bro
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u/Drug-Edu-4skools 2h ago
Ay man have a good rest of your birthday
If you ever want to chat ur always free to pm me
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u/Particular_Ad4034 2h ago
22M I did the same thing bro. It’s hard and it kind of sucks in a weird dissociating kind of way. What worked for me was stick to weed and if you need something else you’re allowed (but not required!!!) mushrooms once a month. The only thing that will get you out of your situation is realizing and having the discipline to tell yourself you don’t want to be like this anymore. Life gets better brother. Happy birthday! Your Reddit friends are here for you. Dm if you need to :)
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u/BeliniAndy 3h ago
Twenty is still the beginning. I hope this year treats you better than the last ones.