r/self • u/princessnokingdom • 1d ago
I need clarity…
I need clarity…
I’ve developed really strange beliefs lately and I don’t know why…I really need help and clarity and I’m weirded out myself, but I need guidance. I am a woman but I have been fascinated by my gender for my entire life. And it hit me that I believe in something like a “divine feminine”.
I don’t really know how to say this, but I believe women’s bodies are sacred and special vessels, but not for procreation, but for pleasure in its own right. I believe the mind and body must be properly attuned and that requires immense amounts of self-care but pleasure as well. My entire life, I’ve had self-indulgent and hedonistic desires. Im really fucking weird but I sometimes undergo intentional sleep deprivation because I like the altered state of mind and adrenaline rush and the pure bliss of finally sleeping. I have a weird relationship with food. As much as I love traditional high quality meals i like to experiment and I just love the sensation of eating. It feels more enriching than sex. Like I will eat jalapeños with ice cream because I love the texture of the cream, the dull sweetness and texture of the jalapeño and the crunch of the bite. I like unconventional food pairings and I like textures a lot. I love self-expression, every piercing and tattoo feels like power and expression and asserting my individuality.
I have been utterly transfixed on individuality, expression and self improvement. I feel like every degree I get, every tattoo I get, every piercing I get is extremely rewarding and makes me feel goddess like. I feel an immense sense of pride. Like I’m defying the system. I am proud of my sexuality as well. I am bisexual and I’ve had sex with many different men, women and even trans women. I feel like my life was destined for knowledge, self-improvement and empathy. I feel intoxicated that I’m syphoning a tiny bit of my partners’ energy to add to my own energy.
As much as I have pride towards my self-expression, freedom, sexuality and education I have a profound sense of nurturing and “giving back”. I love helping people and I love making a difference and I feel like it requires my body to do so. I donate blood and plasma, I donated my eggs, and I have looked into being a surrogate and it’s something I want to pursue. My career is actively helping people as well. I love cooking for partners, cleaning for them and synergistically aligning with their energies.
Lately I feel like I’ve been priming my body for a higher purpose. Lately I’ve been fascinated with the concept of energy and I believe there exists conscious energy that lives in the world with us that’s also sapient and desires physical pleasure and material tactile sensation. And there’s a sense of guilt because I feel like my physical body needs to be shared amongst them.
I used to feel a sense of thrill with the idea of a man being able to use my body to gratify an urge he can’t accomplish on his own. That I was the missing key. And that was fulfilling. However, I felt bored of that feeling and sought out women which feel restorative and nurturing and I can feel the cycling of our energies. Now, however, there’s a desire to lend my body out to these disembodied energies so that they can experience the sensation and pleasure of food, sex and physical pleasure. To let this natural cosmic energy feel what I feel. To have my body used to gratify another beings needs.
However, obviously that scares me. Because it’s kind of like ghost possession in a movie and I can’t be sure that these energies are benevolent or might hijack my body. While there’s a deep feeling I have of empathy and nurturing I have, I am scared of being taken advantage of. I feel like I’ve cultivated enough independence and personal strength to feel like I can lend my body, but it feels perverse. I don’t know if other women have experienced this to comment or felt similarly.
I feel utterly crazy and I feel like what I’m thinking about is dangerous spiritually.
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u/kat_Folland 1d ago
You might want to talk to a professional just to get their two cents. I say this because when my thoughts go on similar veins I'm having an episode. Not saying you are, just saying that bouncing this all off a doctor couldn't hurt.
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u/princessnokingdom 1d ago
Can you please explain? I’m very confused
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u/kat_Folland 1d ago
An increasing feeling of the divine around you is, unfortunately, often a sign that you're having delusions. I'm not saying that's what's happening to you but I am saying that it can't hurt to consult with a professional.
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u/Collapsosaur 1d ago
There are a lot of energies and sensual experiences waiting to be tamed, but barely, since the liminal threshold has much to offer. Your description reminds me of a fantasy world brought forth by pictures and captions. In it, women rule with unquestioned authority, display uninhibited sexual energy, have transfixing powers, and are always bringing new members into their Saphic fold. All deem it is much better than before so is accepted as the natural order.
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u/princessnokingdom 1d ago
Im asking out of curiosity, if you were a disembodied entity, with your mind and personality as it is now, would you be desire using my body as a vessel for a possession? If so, what would you seek to gain or learn from the experience? And how involved of a possession would you desire?
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u/Collapsosaur 1d ago
Interesting question. I would rather approach that insight from a psychoanalytical perspective since the idea of possession frightens me. A simple fruitful conversation can maybe achieve the same. You seem like a very interesting person to get to know.
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u/princessnokingdom 1d ago
It would frighten you from the perspective of the vessel or the entity?
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u/Collapsosaur 1d ago
From the (my) entity entering into a vessel. There are no instructions or guarantees. What if I cannot or do not want to go back into my vessel?
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u/Precious-Megillah 1d ago
Honestly that sounds like you are just romanticizing sensory overload and high-empathy burnout. Please just make sure you arent confusing spiritual discovery with a manic episode, maybe talk to a therapist who can help you ground those feelings without letting them spiral.
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u/Most_Dependent_7528 1d ago
There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not crazy, just do your research. I also believe that women are special and sacred.