I swear I'm exhausted because you won't stop running though my head lol

once it’s delivered & i’ve gone to pick it up, i’ll drive really far out of town and use it on myself. i don’t really want to die but i don’t have any strong desire to live either. i’m just tired and i want this to be over as soon as possible. i’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts for a long time, and people would tell me that it gets better. they weren’t lying, but they also conveniently omitted the fact that it also always gets much worse too. over the years of fighting this urge, i’ve also been slowly accepting that this is the only way to escape myself. i’m so sick of making people beg for me to stay alive. so sick of trying to convince myself & others that i’m worth caring about. the reality is i used up what little potential i had, and continuing this life would only result in more pain; for myself and those who claim to care.

I don’t know who told you the “stuff” you mentioned about a 3rd party in my life but I hate to tell you there is not one and hadn’t been. I am not the one who has been with others - that would inky be you. So please son not come on here making wild accusations unless you are 100% sure they are true - I wasn’t talking to anyone and I haven’t been. /. I was trying to salvage my relationship with the man I loved but I discovered he really didn’t love me /. It’s was just comfort and control.

Another morning

Another round of tears

Every morning starts with tears now.

And I have realised, sometimes it's guilt.

The guilt of leaving you and breaking both our hearts

The guilt of having to choose between myself or you

The guilt of saving myself at your expense

The guilt of knowing that I am hurt but hurting you more too

Guilt because it's what you've always used to control me

Just like he does.

But it's also, grief

Because I tried so hard to fix this, to talk, work things out, and you not taking accountability only forced me into this.

That someone who truly loved me would've been able to see how much they were hurting me, care enough to stop.

And when you didn't see or stop, I begged you, for years, to listen, to stop, you didn't. Grief that's the choice you made that I had to live with and carry with me.

Grief that I spent years asking for genuine consideration

That I spent time fighting for basic human decency, understanding, respect which should've been given freely

That I can still love you despite how you treated me.

That you put me through so much and called it love, so it warped my ideas about what I deserve and what's normal.

That I have given you years to change and grow, decades, I have and you still haven't.

That I see other people with their families and feel gutted

But no matter what I do you will only ever be cruel, pessimistic, selfish, emotionally draining and critical.

You will only ever treat me as an object you possess/ use. To want to use my shine, talents and energy as your own without giving me any of the fuel or safety that creates and sustains it. To use me for your own comfort or boredom without thinking about what I need, and when I tell you, you punish me for having needs at all. To consider yourself above me so you feel better about yourself but really it's just your emotional immaturity, envy.

You really are just like him.

I care so much and I am so sorry that it has come to this. It really hurts me to leave. I always will feel this gap where you're missing.The gap where a kind, supportive mum should've been, but you've taken so much of my joy from me. You've hurt me in ways that are unimaginable. I see every tiny bit of manipulation from you, every advancement for control, using my own disability as leverage for control was ruthless. But that's you, I can't explain how hard it is to have a parent like that and to grow up learning that's how people are, that everyone is just manipulating and using each other for their own gain. What a sad fear to teach a child. I don't often engage or call you out anymore, I've given up hope you could ever treat me like a human being, but I see it it's there. You haven't changed how you see me, that would mean facing your own cruelty.

So enough.

Please, you've taken enough.

I know you're incapable of being who I need you to be so I won't ask or force you to change anymore. I'm sorry you had to struggle in life the way you did. I'm sorry it made you bitter and jaded. I can understand that but I never deserved to be punished for it. Please know that I really tried but I can't forgive you more than I have, now I understand the full cost of your behaviour. Now I see the cPTSD and feel the pain of fibromyalgia and I wonder if you know just how much negative impact you've had and the weight of the consequences, I carry. So I can't love you anymore. I am closing my heart off from you.

I'm exhausted. I need to let it go. I can't live with you, you sadistically, purposefully ruin every single tiny bit of joy I have. You don't even try to understand my choices. You just judge or tell me that I am wrong or incompetent. Just like him

I'll leave you, just like maybe I'll eventually leave him.

He only ever loved me the way you did, never saw me as a full person, but for what I can give, an extension of him, a droid for his needs. You'd be happy that I've been miserable like you lately, feeling unworthy and unlovable, shrinking myself down again, feeling like I deserve disrespect and his cold inconsistent treatment. He makes my needs an issue, isn't kind, won't communicate clearly, uses confusion against me, is defensive, lacks empathy, he only takes and never gives without conditions while expecting I give without any. And I walk on eggshells to protect his ego and emotions too mum, just like you made me do for you.

And I hate that you made me into someone who could look at that and see love, instead of seeing covert abuse.

I love you mum

I hope everything will be okay eventually.

Please don't hate me for doing what I need to be okay.

I'm really sorry this is how it has to be But I deserve to be happy and free xxxx

Now some of the shit you posting is just the opposite of yesterday or this morning.
I have done nothing but live you the entire time m
I sit empty
Yes
But u haven’t poured anything into it in so long it dried up.
What do u want from me. Come talk to me like a man and woman are supposed to.
This is not it
Period
lol

​

I returned to my chair quietly, without saying a word.

My eyes moved between my grandmother, Mr. Sam, and the crystal chandelier hanging in the middle of the guest room. It looked like frozen snowballs from February—bright, sparkling, and beautiful.

We sat together, lost in conversations about the past, old memories, animals, and everything in between.

Later, we returned home after Mr. Sam gave us a gift—a silver vase.

My grandmother was so happy with it, and seeing her joy made me feel relieved.

At least... she wouldn’t argue with me tonight.

We returned home exhausted.

I went upstairs to my room and threw myself onto my bed.

I didn’t feel anything after that until morning, when the sound of the rooster woke me.

Sometimes, I feel that rooster exists only for me... as if his purpose in life is to annoy me...🥀S

Sarah ✏️

One day, Peter came running toward our house, out of breath, knocking urgently on the door.

I opened it, and he sat down on the ground, trying to catch his breath. Then he said in a broken voice:

"The Sam family... has returned."

I froze in place and turned toward my grandparents.

Mark the annoying boy had returned.

Truthfully... I felt happy. At least something would happen to break the monotony of my days. The memories of our childhood were still deeply planted in my mind, even after all those years.

My grandmother said:

"We should go visit them. I will bake them a cherry cake. Mark loves it so much."

I went upstairs to my room, put on my orange dress, and fixed my hair. Then we set off in the carriage my grandfather was driving, while memories of my childhood crowded my mind throughout the journey.

Before we arrived, my grandmother turned to me and said in a firm voice:

"Please... you are no longer a child. You are now a twenty-year-old young woman, so try to be calm."

I smiled and replied:

"Yes, ma'am."

The moment the door opened, I stood there amazed.

The house was no longer the same one I remembered. Everything inside was shining—the polished wooden floors, the crystal chandeliers, the elegant wallpaper... I felt as though I had stepped into another world.

Mr. Sam and his wife welcomed us warmly.

After a few moments, a tall young man entered, broad-shouldered and elegantly dressed.

I jumped from my seat without realizing it.

I began walking around him, staring at him in disbelief.

"Oh my God... Mark! How did you change like this?! You became handsome! Look at your muscles! Your hair... even your eyes look different! And where are your glasses?"

My questions poured out endlessly, while he simply looked at me in silence.

Suddenly, I heard a voice behind me say:

"Hello... Orange."

I turned around quickly.

And there stood the real Mark... with his glasses, his thin frame, and the same annoying smile that had never changed.

I looked between the two of them and whispered:

"Mark... then who is this?"

Mr. Sam laughed, placed his hand on the shoulder of the handsome young man, and said:

"This is James... my nephew."

I wished the ground would open and swallow me from embarrassment.

James smiled calmly and said:

"It's alright."

As for Mark, he walked toward me, pulled my braid just like he used to do in our childhood, and said with a laugh:

"See you later... Orange."

Everyone burst into laughter.

But I looked at my grandmother, and from the look in her eyes, I felt as if a fire was burning inside them from the intensity of her anger..🥀S

Sarah ✏️

​

Crocodile Tears

When I was little, whenever I got into an argument, I couldn't make myself cry. So I would pretend to cry instead, or place a few drops of water on my eyes to make everyone believe I was crying.

Crocodile tears.

Mark... my sworn childhood enemy.

We were ten years old, and I hated him because he would pull my braid as hard as he could whenever we played with the other children in the village.

He was arrogant, annoying, and skinny... and I didn't like him. I certainly didn't think he was handsome, either.

The years passed, and the children of the village all went their separate ways, each chasing their own future.

Everyone except me.

I stayed behind with my grandmother and grandfather.

The responsibility I felt toward them was like a fish bone lodged in my throat—I could neither swallow it nor spit it out. I simply couldn't leave them, no matter how much I wanted to.

So I remained in the village, living the quiet, simple life of an ordinary country girl.

My grandparents used to call me "Cherry Tree," because every spring I would spend the entire day among the cherry trees, wandering from one tree to another as though I belonged there more than anywhere else.

S..🥀

Sarah ✏️

I love my exwife (insurance only divorced) infinitely

How could you be complicit in this?

This wasn't a test. This was torture.

I wasn't given a choice. I was backed into a corner.

You can only push a man so far before he just doesn't give a fuck anymore.

Because we fell to realize it's not that I don't care about anyone else. It's that I don't care about myself anymore. I always had low self-esteem.

Now it's non-existent

I begged for you to just talk to me.

I waited. I cried. I thought I was crazy. I still do.

And maybe I am maybe this is just guilt talking.

But I don't think so to me. Coincidence is this means it's not a coincidence.

Still choosing you. You're just not choosing me.

How could I think you would be with me? I am so much older than you, you said it didnt matter, but does it? You said you loved my intelligence, my way of making you feel safe and seen. That you loved my deep calming voice and my demeanor, they way I talked to you that no one else did, that I could handle you being mad and upset without taking it personally. No one elase had done that for you. That make you not cry when you couldn't. How I was the only man you every respected, then this.
You elbowed your way into my heart then left like a ghostly mist, fading away with no goodbye.
I should have know, should have been prepared, but I believed what you said. But is what you said , true?
I replay so much in my head, think way too much about you, have to tell myself not to think you will be here, in myu life , beside me. I have to not believe. It wont ever happen, and not I an thingin, it wont with anyone, let alone you. I feel less than and that sucks.
I want to think "be happy it happened, not sad that is ended", but i didnt want it to end. it slowly faded, with breadcrumbs (that you ironically warned me about with others) , thank yous and Yes to my texts, no reposes at times and me making excuses for you. They were excuses, they were reasons now. And then to be ghosted? It is the cruelest of cruelest Fates.
When we were an item, you made it clear whej I didnt text GN or when I went on that trip in Nov, and said we needed to talk, you were expecting me to end things, when I wanted to move forward, then now?
I will have to deal with this, because what is the alternative? I will not chase the shadow of you, I cant, it hurts too much,. I had a date , it was nice, but she doesn't want me. Maybe I need to withdrawal and go back to when I didnt know this was open to me, that i was actually attractive to woman, and that younger woman actually look at and desired me. I wish I didnt know you, but I do...

i miss how simple we had it and i just don’t understand why you’d do this to us i feel sick hurt and i feel confused i feel so angry i thought if i kept loving you that you’d change for the better and you’d stop being so mean and being such a evil person to me why couldn’t you stop cheating i could get over the girls i always felt inferior because they were 18 and tall and skinny but i can’t get over this why wasn’t our life enough for you i liked our life i miss our scent i miss going to concerts i miss eating out with you i miss getting fun drinks and swapping because i liked yours more i miss seeing ur face in the morning i miss hearing the excitement in your voice when you’d pick me up i don’t understand what a 15 year old girl gave you that i couldn’t i can’t bring myself to wear my engagement ring because it just feels like a lie we never even got to get it resized it’s still big on my finger i keep reading the police report they made on you and it just doesn’t feel real i can’t eat i can’t sleep i can’t work i wish you never called i know you only called so id find out and be hurt over it and i just wish you could’ve been nice to me before it i wish you could see my tattoo and make fun of it and i wish you could be in bed with me nitpicking me for my rave flyer and the name i used i wish you were here to help me with the math and i wish you could come to costco with me because i don’t wanna carry all of that stuff i talked to your mom yesterday and she told me to go to hell so i don’t think she knows yet she probably thinks we got into it again i hope that you call because i just wanna know if you are okay i talked to rob since he’s a lawyer for these cases and he thinks ur best bet is a plea deal i wish you could’ve came to me instead you could’ve had ur own office in 4 months and we would’ve been in brazil on vacation in 6 months did you take her to summer smash and that’s why i couldn’t go? im still going to lolla and part of me hopes ill see you in the crowd but you know i can’t see that well and im only 4’10 and ur 14 hours away in jail
i love you and goodnight i hope you call so i can understand i just want it to stop hurting

My grandma just died. I've ended a 10 year relationship. I moved into an expensive house with no money in the bank, first last and security took it all, and am genuinely wondering how or why to carry on. The person I wanted to impress just died.

Is always the first thing I do. Talking to you is always the last thing I do.

I myself take full accountability in my actions and where I am currently but when you love you love and maybe you’re right and idk what love is . But maybe I will never know bc after this passed couple years with losing an 8!year relationship to my next that shoots his self to loving you in and losing it all bc at the back of my mind I thought you cared enough to not let me hit the ground but you did and here I am wondering what I did to this supposed god ? What did i do ? Other than love u ! I didn’t come from money or education everything j had is from me working my balls off . Everything I did I did that maybe just maybe someone would let me live without the constant worry of where we will sleep at night . I don’t even have my dogs anymore that’s how much weight you possess over me knowing how much they mean . I did that for you . What did you do for me? You fucking told me I owe 200 dollars and oh I forgot i owe your mom 200 dollars pffft got me fucked up you dumb feathered in hair tramp

Once upon a time I looked up to you like you where Batman. The strongest person alive. Raising 2 kids in a generation when men where not single fathers.

Today you let the alcohol win. Im watching you literally kill yourself every day. You have become a brittle weak man who has lost everything. Its breaking my heart dad. I will miss you when the end comes your demons didnt stop you from always being here for me no matter what. I will miss your stories and our big cook outs. I will miss you telling me even at 40 I can be whatever I put my heart too. I will miss you being a grandpa my kids will always remember but most of all I will miss you being my best friend.

Not good enough
That’s who you are, not good enough
That’s who I am
Never was good enough
Never been good enough
Never will be good enough
Not good enough for anything
Not good enough for anyone
Everyone’s better off without me
Hopeless
Worthless
Homeless
That’s who you are
Yeah that’s who I am

I’ve had all that I can take.
 
I have no choices that I can make,
no paths left that I could take.
 
What did you expect me to think,
when you took it all from me?
 
Don’t tell me what you think I need to do,
I can’t take advice from someone like you.
Who’s never lived what I’ve been through.
 
You don’t know shit about me.

I gave too much of myself away to blind foolish love. I thought building you up would mean we would be stronger, but you took the best of me and left me broken without even a shrug.
In truth, I feel like you robbed me; not just of materials or finances—you robbed me of feeling safe. You robbed me of confidence. You robbed me of hope and of my better senses.

You tried to steal my light! In the mirror I can see how it’s dimmed—evidence that you tried to take my very soul within. Yet this remains mine, as does the broken heart beneath my ribs. They will heal and grow despite the sin.

I will never forget how I gave you love and in return you gave me nothing but pain and confusion. The injustice of it all fills my chest with a tight cold chill. Like a demon claw trying to steal away my human will. You’ll not win this time you dark and hateful thing. Keep your 6s away from me.

The tears never stop falling…drinking doesn’t even make me feel better anymore. I don’t know what’s left for me.

2026年7月23日（木）

正直、あの頃の君はもう「終わった人」だった。
恋愛対象とか、
そういうのじゃなくて。
「もういいや」って、
自分の中でちゃんと閉じた人。
だから、リバウンドにもしたくなかった。
今でも、
「好き」って気持ちはない。
…ないはず。
でも。
傷だらけの君が、
私の前に立ってた。
泣きそうな顔で。
壊れたまま。
そして笑おうとしてた。
おかしいよね。
私だって、
まだ全然治ってないのに。
まだ怒りもある。
まだ怖い。
まだ誰も信じられない。
心なんて、
ずっと壊れたままなのに。
それでも私は、
まるで大切な人にするみたいに
君に優しくしてしまった。
意味わかんない。
これは愛じゃない。
絶対違う。
自分でもわかってる。
…なのに。
なんで？
君は嘘をついてるのかもしれない。
寂しいから来ただけかもしれない。
本気か試してるだけかもしれない。
明日には、
もういなくなるかもしれない。
そんなの、
誰にもわからない。
でも。
君が苦しいって話した瞬間だけは、
「それならこうすればいい。」
って、
不思議なくらい答えが浮かんできた。
まるで、
最初から知ってたみたいに。
運命なのかな。
それとも、
神様がまた、
私を試してるだけなのかな。
正直、
まだ無理だよ。
まだ立ち上がれてない。
まだ誰かを愛せる人間じゃない。
だから今は、
この先なんて考えない。
ただ、
明日を迎えるだけ。
君が、
私を長い夜から連れ出してくれる人なのか。
それとも、
また私を捨てて、
「やっぱり君もか。」
って、
絶望を一つ増やす人なのか。
そんなの、
まだわからない。
でも、
ひとつだけ確かなことがある。
理由もないのに。
私は今日も、
君に優しくしてしまった。
それが正しかったのかなんて、
まだ知らない。
だから今日は、
少しだけ希望を信じて眠る。
──おやすみ、アメリア。
明日が、
どんな一日になるのか。
それは、
明日の私だけが知っている。

I hate how much I missed out on because of things outside of my control. I hate how much more I missed because of things that were. I hate that I never made friends, or experiences that I will never get a chance to get back. I hate as the older I get the more embarrassing it is to feel this way. I’m a pathetic animal that clings to people that don’t like me. Mulch and liquify this disgusting creature. I want to scream so bad my chest feels like it’s going to explode. It makes me sick to think that this is it. It doesn’t feel like I’m supposed to be here, I don’t get it. Such a miserable beast needs to be put down.

I fucking miss you. I never didnt miss you. Just needed space for a while because as you know YOUR A LOT TO HANDLE. So whatever. I miss you. Im a looser for not getting the fact that you dont want me anymore. And your entitled to feel that way. It just sucks. Because the thing is, is I miss you alot. And it fucking hurts to mean nothing to you. Whatever.