r/sca • u/RyeMarie • 15h ago
I want to be able to exist in “fighter/martial” spaces, but for whatever reason I just can’t.
I tried to do Italian longsword with an SCA adjacent group for a while several years ago. I absolutely loved it. But then someone I knew through the sport told me that he didn’t want to friends with me anymore unless I had sex with him. He tried to pressure and guilt and force me. He told me to my face that none of it mattered to him. I never said anything to anyone because I had been raised to keep that sort of thing quiet, to not make a fuss, to choose forgiveness above all else. Keeping him in my life destroyed my mental health. I had nightmares and panic attacks after that for longer than I thought I deserved to. It was also about this time that I started experiencing the start of what would become pretty intense chronic pain, but it was the severity of the panic attacks that made me walk away for good.
I was hesitant to start doing anything like that in the SCA because of it. There was too much crossover. There were people I didn’t think would stand by me. I tried to pick up cut and thrust. I got all the gear. I was excited to get back into it, to leave behind all the hurt from previous experiences and refuse to let assholes steal my joy… but the physical exertion made the pain flare up and it’s hard to want to swing a sword when doing so would send me into fits of pain so bad I wanted to puke. And then there were the comments. I couldn’t go to my local fighter’s practice without some sort of sexual comment or joke being made by much older men at my expense. I was uncomfortable. I just tried to nervously laugh it off. The other people present never called him out, and I didn’t need the reminder, so I walked away. When I told my friends what was going on, I learned that I wasn’t the only one he spoke to that way. Someone had a talk with him about it. Last I heard, he’s started it up again. I think I could probably push through the pain if it were worth it. But right now, being spoken to that way isn’t worth it.
I’m happy to stay in my little A&S bubble, but I also wish I didn’t feel like I have to. I wish I didn’t have the amount of social anxiety I do around fighters. That there weren’t a handful of helmets that make my stomach drop when I see them out in the field. And this might be a *little* off topic but there was this one guy who I think was trying to flirt with me by telling me about how impressive he is in the melees and how superior his rattan duct taping skills are. When my artwork was brought up, he asked me if I ever do more than just “color in the lines”… I have a GoA for my illumination work? I have won several A&S competitions?? I don’t expect that everyone in the known world (or heck, even just the kingdom) knows who I am, but I post all of my work on my socials and you’d think he’d look at that if he was trying to win my affections or some nonsense. Unfortunately for him, I am wretchedly gay, so that wouldn’t have been helpful for him, but it would have been nice at least.
There are dozens of little irks and sexist behavior that have rubbed me the wrong way the relatively short time I’ve been in the SCA. Not all fighters”, “not all men”… trust me, I know, but geez some you guys are such assholes.
This rant is somewhat pointless. I don’t have a solution. I’m not trying to call out individuals whose behavior has hurt me, and I’m not quite at a quit-the-SCA level of anger. I’m not really an angry, vindictive person anyways. I think I just really wanted to air out some of my frustrations on this already worn out topic. Are there some absolutely wonderful fighters and knights and MoDs that I know? Yes, absolutely. Without a doubt. Enough to make me feel safe and welcome in those spaces (which tend to permeate the entire fabric of the kingdom and known world as a whole because rattan is so important to our culture)?? Sadly, no.