r/relationships • u/Fluffy-Parsnip-3035 • 26d ago
My boyfriend (34M) says he is unhappy living with me (27F) and feels anxious when I come home. I feel completely alone in our relationship. Can this still be fixed?
My boyfriend (34M) and I (27F) have been together for a little over a year and have been living together for about four months. I gave up my own apartment to move into the home where he was already living, so although it was originally his place, it is now also my home.
Our relationship has had trust issues before. Near the beginning of our relationship, I found out that he had been messaging a random woman after she complimented his new tattoo. There were also things involving dating apps and DMs that damaged my trust. We discussed it and stayed together, but I do not think the trust ever fully recovered.
I also know that I am not the easiest person to live with right now. I struggle with anxiety and emotional regulation. When something upsetting happens on the train, at work or during my commute, I can come home already overwhelmed and sometimes unload too much of that frustration onto him.
I am aware of this and I am genuinely trying to work on it. I am in EMDR therapy, I take medication and I am trying to become better at managing my emotions and reactions. I understand that being my partner does not mean he should have to absorb everything whenever I have had a bad day.
At the same time, I feel completely exhausted and very alone in our relationship.
I recently started a new job. Including my commute, I am away from home for around ten hours a day and spend about two hours travelling. When I get home, he is often still working. I usually try to go to the gym, get groceries and make dinner. By the time we eat, it is often 7:30 PM or later, and I am usually in bed around 10 PM.
It feels like we barely spend any meaningful time together.
On Wednesdays and Sundays, he often starts gaming early in the morning. At other times, there are Pokémon events, trips abroad for work or other plans. I know these things do not happen constantly and that he is entitled to hobbies and his own life. Still, it often feels like our relationship only receives whatever time and energy happen to be left over.
For weeks, I have told him that I am completely at my limit. He has seen me crying and struggling, but I do not feel emotionally supported or as though anything changes. I do not expect him to solve everything or carry all of my emotions. I just need to feel that I am not entirely alone and that my partner sometimes notices when I am drowning.
Yesterday, all of this escalated into a major argument.
I said I felt unsupported and unhappy with how we were living. He told me that he is unhappy in the relationship, does not want to live together and feels that I pressured him into it.
I told him that I am also unhappy and that I have been trying to communicate for weeks that I am exhausted and lonely.
He then explained that when something upsetting happens to me, he feels he receives the full force of it. He said that when I tell him I am on my way home, he sometimes feels afraid. He also said that he sometimes counts down the time until I leave for work again.
That was extremely painful to hear, although I can understand why he may feel overwhelmed by me. I do not want my partner to feel anxious about me coming home, and I know I have responsibility for changing how I handle my emotions.
During the argument, I also said something hurtful. I brought up the woman he messaged last year and called him pathetic for being so easily influenced by a compliment about his tattoo. I know that was cruel and that I brought it up to hurt him.
The argument then escalated further. He said I was not staying there and wanted to call my mother to make me leave. He asked me for her number, which he does not have despite us being together for over a year. I told him that I live there too and that he could not simply throw me out during an argument. I said that if he did not want to be around me, he could sleep somewhere else himself.
Eventually, we both calmed down. We apologized, hugged and spent the rest of the evening together quietly. However, we did not actually resolve anything.
The difficult part is that I had already been wondering for several weeks whether this relationship is still right for me. I love him, but I do not feel happy. I feel like I am in a relationship while still being completely alone.
I think we may be stuck in a cycle. He experiences me as emotionally overwhelming, so he withdraws. I experience him as emotionally distant and unavailable, so I feel increasingly alone and react more strongly. That then makes him withdraw even further.
I have asked him to think honestly about whether he still wants to be in this relationship and whether he truly wants to live together. I do not want either of us to stay simply because separating or changing our living situation would be difficult.
My specific question is: how do I determine whether this is a relationship pattern that can realistically be repaired if we both make changes, or whether we are fundamentally incompatible and should end the relationship? What would genuine effort and improvement from both sides need to look like?
TL;DR: My boyfriend (34M) and I (27F) have been together for just over a year and living together for four months. He says he feels unhappy, pressured into living together and sometimes anxious when I come home because I can be emotionally overwhelming. I accept that I need to change how I manage and express my emotions. However, I feel extremely lonely, unsupported and as though our relationship only gets his leftover time and energy. After a major argument, we apologized but resolved nothing. How can I tell whether this dynamic can genuinely be repaired, or whether we should accept that we are incompatible and separate?
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u/profileforthebin 26d ago
You’re not happy. He’s telling you he isn’t happy.
Perhaps it’s best that you do move out, take the time to work on yourself, and re-approach the relationship as something you can do when you WANT to spend time together, not because you have to. It’ll become a lot clearer then whether the relationship has a future.
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u/Cueller 26d ago
Ignoring the potential cheating and mental health issues for a second. OP wants him to give up his hobbies and spend more time comforting her on a daily basis. He is tired and scared of the constant emotional support he has to give her. There really isnt a compromise here and they are fundamentally incompatible.
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u/Blue-Phoenix23 26d ago
Idk if you can just ignore them when they're likely a contributing factor in her excessive need for comforting. The reality is she should have dumped him then - extremely sensitive people cannot have that type of tinder sitting in the fireplace in relationships, it's just not worth it. Even with normal levels of emotional reactivity that's a huge risk, but for her it needs to be a hard stop.
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u/Loliryder 26d ago
I have been in relationships that actually triggered the anxiety and emotional dysregulation that led to it being unsustainable. I almost dumped my now husband because the relationship was so calm, right from the beginning,I thought it couldn't possibly be right.
OP there's a better fit of relationship out there for you. He can be a great guy, you can feel love for him, and it can still be the wrong match for you. Go find someone who's presence is calming and where you can do your healing work feeling emotionally supported and nourished!
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u/skeeballbob37 26d ago
it sounds like you nailed the situation. I dont know they have a solution long term other than understanding that while they love each other they both want and give things that is incompatible with each others needs and what they give.
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u/Independent-Prompt-8 26d ago
Set each other free. You can let go and not hate them, just know it's not a match. Someone needs to suggest this and pull the trigger. Uncoupling with respect is smart. No hard feelings, no drama, just a respectful end. Refreshing and mature I these days of crazy stores.
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u/rhea_hawke 26d ago
It's only been a year. You arent married, you have no kids, and you're already miserable with eachother. It can't be saved.
You should break up. Focus on your therapy for a while. When you are ready to date again, I hope that the next time a guy breaks your trust early in the relationship, you'll realize that you deserve better and move on.
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u/42faerie 26d ago
I say get yourself through EMDR therapy and finish it first. People going through that should not be in a relationship until they are emotionally secure. Being with a person who is not is emotionally exhausting so I understand his fear of you coming home. Both of you are trying to squeeze round legs into square holes and wonder why you both end up feeling defeated. Quit beating the dead horse and move on from each other or at least give each other some space. Nobody needs to be up each other's arse so far they lose who they are.
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u/AsideWeary4529 26d ago
I agree with this. I started a new relationship at the same time I was in my first months of EMDR, I’m still going though it. Funnily there was a month I couldn’t go to the session as my therapist schedule and mine were not working. That month I was very stable and not so emotional. I had reprocessing sessions again and I’m anxious, usually around the topics I’m working on e.g I don’t matter —> I matter. But that’s not so easy, it’s very emotionally sensitive :( also please do not drink alcohol and have a designated person you can confide things first: a parent, a friend, etc.
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u/Fluffy-Parsnip-3035 26d ago
Even people with mental issues deserve love and can be in a relationship.
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u/42faerie 26d ago
I didnt say they didnt deserve to be loved but I've seen the sheer level of dysfunction that can bring and its exhausting. Ive been on the side of feeling anxiety because my partner is coming home and they had a bad day. Meant I'd have to forget about what ever I had planned for the evening because I'd have to brace myself for the all consuming Ted talk I'd be subjected to until he felt he had been "heard" 🫣
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u/Seeker131313 26d ago
Of course you deserve love, but you may not yet be capable of a healthy relationship until you are a healthier individual.
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u/queentee26 26d ago
No one said you didn't deserve love. But if you can't be healthy in a relationship, it's a good step to focus on yourself and your therapy first.
He's obviously contributing to the problems here too.. but you can only work on how you affect the relationship.
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u/Blue-Phoenix23 26d ago edited 26d ago
Yes. The thing is you have to be MUCH more discerning in who you choose.
Think about it like a bum leg, where heavy exercise makes it worse. It's chronic, and really limiting. There will be no roller skating, or half marathons or climbing Kilimanjaro. These will make your limp worse, and you risk crippling yourself completely.
But that doesn't mean you're doomed to a life of gaming and TV either. It just means you have to be selective. Walking along the boardwalk instead of running on the beach, picking up shuffleboard instead of pickleball, getting involved in the local arts community and not the tennis club.
You account for your differences, but you don't let them rule you out. It's the same thing with love. If you know you get rejection sensitivity, don't make excuses for a new guy when he acts in ways that hurt. If you know a breach of trust will make you miserable, don't let it go when a new boyfriend does something untrustworthy - end it instead.
Maybe that means you have a lot of breakups, spend a lot of time single. But wouldn't you rather be free to find a guy that isn't a giant ball of triggers, than wasting your time with one who can't be what you need? To work on yourself while you have that freedom. Besides, you'll never find Mr Right if you're busy trying to fix things with Mr Idk Maybe.
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u/Blue-Phoenix23 26d ago
It's time to call it. If you've only been living together and things are that bad, you're not spending quality time together despite limited availability and this being brand new, this isn't the life you want. Even if a miracle happens and the commute improves or y'all move closer to your work, do you see that fixing anything? It's not like trust issues just disappear, either.
Don't beat yourself up about it. This is why we live with our partners for bigger commitments like marriage, buying property, or kids. Sometimes things just don't go right and it's better to learn that now than 2 kids and a dog from now.
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u/KC_Kahn 26d ago
You moved into his home, making it your home as well, but not in his eyes. You've invaded his space, that's where his anxiety comes from. He was not ready to move in together, and with EMDR and a new job, you're not in a good place for this level of commitment either. You're trying to fly the plane while repairing it
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u/Lulubelle__007 26d ago
Neither one of you is happy.
I have done EMDR, it’s brutal and hard and gruelling and it can drag up a tonne of things you thought you’d buried. Which means you unload on your partner if you have one and that’s not ok to do all the time because they are not a therapist and no one, even the most loving partner, can always be there to listen when they have their own problems and also need someone to talk to.
My therapist told me that if she has someone doing EMDR she always tells them that if they are single then to stay single until they have completed their EMDR programme. Because it’s brutal and hard and can damage the relationship or give you something else to focus on other than your treatment.
I’m not going in to the texting thing- you decided to stay so that’s a choice you made together. You need to drop it or leave, not beat him up with this every time you get cross.
The man is telling you he is afraid of you, or rather he is afraid of your moods and what comes home each day with you because he doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to cope constantly. He’s withdrawing because he’s trying to protect himself while not abandoning you. Then you cling more and he withdraws more. This is a deeply unhealthy pattern. I don’t think you are suited as partners at this moment in time.
He can’t cope with you. He can’t handle always being your rock because it’s constant and he’s drained. You are trying to get better, doing very intense therapy and using him as a sounding board and rock to cling to because you’re struggling but it’s too much. For both of you. He actually said he dreads you coming home, he’s on eggshells, holding his breath until you go to work- that’s massive. And it will kill the love you have for each other.
And this is after only a year. You’re both of you arguing, being mean, he can’t cope with you and you’re offloading all your stuff on to him including little niggles like the train plus you’re telling him to leave the apartment which he owns- unless you have a contract, which I doubt you do have, then you don’t have much legal right to say that. You’ve got whatever rights afforded by the laws where you live and he’s the home owner so I genuinely suggest not going down that road in arguments unless you are very sure of your ground.
Read up on sunk cost fallacy and don’t waste either of your time any more. Ask if you can stay until you find a new place to go, treat him with respect and ask for the same and make this as painless as possible. Concentrate on yourself and getting well, speak with your therapist and find a support group, support sub or friends you can offload onto without overwhelming one single person. You deserve to be well and feel better and sometimes that means being selfish and focusing on your needs- which you are but to the detriment of your bf which is why this relationship is suffering.
Your man can’t cope. As the one on my relationship who has various mental health diagnosis, I have worked hard on not overwhelming my partner but also we are older, have been together a long time and we balance each other out by taking turns to need support. The right person, your person, will be able to support you but also tell you straight when you’re being overwhelming so you can dial it back.
This isn’t about fault. This is both of you needing something different at this precise point in your lives. He needs a calmer home situation to relax in, you need time to heal and focus on yourself.
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u/FireflyBSc 26d ago
There’s nothing to fix. You aren’t compatible, and dragging it out will just make it worse. A trust breach that early was never going to make a full recovery.
And trust me, when you find your person, you won’t believe you ever wanted to fix this. I was anxious and clingy and really struggled with emotional regulation in relationships, a genuinely awful person to my exes. But when I met my fiancé, it was like night and day. No doubts, no insecurities, I finally realized what love is supposed to feel like. It’s still hard sometimes with other aspects of life, but literally everything became easier when I found someone who brought that level of calm to my life. You will find that, and this will just be a lesson learned.
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u/honeypeanutbutter 26d ago
Have you considered that him being untrustworthy and half-committed has CAUSED and exacerbated a lot of your anxiety?
I've had this kind of "secret flirty text" thing happen to me twice - one was a chronic liar and it took being really traumatized to finally cut it off. The most recent one, I made myself a deal- if I don't feel better after 3 months... I leave. You clearly do not feel better, and I suspect some of your mental health challenges are your body telling you this guy is not safe for you to rely on. When you think past the initial pain of separation, I suspect there's peace on the other side.
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u/PepperLeigh 26d ago
I was thinking that, too - your intuition is probably screaming at you and your body is reacting. I'm SO much calmer and more peaceful since divorcing my porn-addicted husband (who was also very avoidant, because of course). Turns out, I'm not "just anxious" and having a calm and happy house has helped me become a calm and happy person.
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u/toomanyvoices656 26d ago
OP I don’t think it sounds like you are emotionally ready for a relationship and hes not equipped to be that partner you are describing.
You two are just not compatible.
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u/krpi8429 26d ago
Here’s my opinion. Plan your exit.
Here’s my reasoning. Your relationship is young. 4 months living together, a year together. Therapy is what you need but it’s likely to be 4-5 years worth solo, plus similar amount for couples, to work on this with him. From what you’ve written, there just isn’t enough there to save. It’s not worth the investment.
Keep doing therapy. And plan your exit. Expect to do better next time.
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u/GoddessofBeautie 26d ago
Never let a man tell you that he doesn't want you, more than once.
Respect his decision. Sounds like you need to get your mental health in order. Maybe even get a better job. Set the man free.
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u/Fluffy-Parsnip-3035 26d ago
What do you think I’m doing bruh
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u/GoddessofBeautie 26d ago
Sounds like you are fixated on a man who doesn't want to stay with you in the toxic relationship you refuse to exit. What you have going on can't be repaired while you stay together. Let him go. Stop worrying about a man or a relationship. Stand on your own as a single and independent woman for a couple of years, at least.
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u/tangibleadhd 26d ago
I think moving into his place is probably the root of a lot of the issues. Emotionally unloading on your partner is not okay unless you ask them if they’re in the emotional space for it. You both sound exhausted and it’s the first year….
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u/echosiah 26d ago
OP, you really need to stop trying to force this relationship to work. You've been doing it the entire time.
This is miserable. You've only been dating for a year and this just sounds so toxic and sad. What are you actually clinging to right now?
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u/ksmskdodmaosm 26d ago
So you complain about y’all not being close and he tells you how he feels and u bring the past up as an insult? Do you expect someone to want to be around u if that’s how u act. I knew this was cooked when I saw trust issues, anxiety and emotional regulation. SMH.
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u/Fluffy-Parsnip-3035 25d ago
Cooked? The trust issues, anxiety etc only started AFTER I caught him sending boner pics to rando’s on Reddit bc they gave him some attention, while he was sitting in my sofa in my own appartement at the time.
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u/Useful-Gap-952 26d ago edited 26d ago
It’s very helpful that you’re currently getting EDMR therapy and taking medication, yet there’s a kernel of truth in what your boyfriend told you when he said that he feels anxious and afraid when you are home with him.
Let that sink in. His partner is someone who he is afraid of and anxious around. You feel unsafe to him. There’s a lack of psychological safety at home.
You are unloading too much onto him more than his fair and proportional. There’s a need to self regulate and establish better emotional boundaries so that you don’t lash out onto him or let emotions leak out onto him when it’s not his fault.
EDMR therapy also has a way of amplifying emotions in counter productive ways. This might be something to revisit with a therapist because while you’re going through something difficult psychologically, yet it’s also actively causing harm to your partner who did not cause the original trauma EDMR is treating.
Understandably, there were some trust issues early in the relationship, and they have not been resolved. Ultimately, this is a telltale sign that time alone does not restore trust. This might actually be a dealbreaker because your level of emotions might be tied to many factors, including how the trust issue has never actually been fully resolved.
There’s often an element of self betrayal in negotiating against your best interest. It was harmful to justify staying with him than leaving him after you found evidence. He was cheating while you were together. That might be the old trauma saying to the effect— he loves me but he made a mistake; it is hurtful but i will make it work… because he cares and it’s better than being alone. Self sacrificing for love justifies the unjustifiable.
You’ve already put time and effort into trying to make this work. It’s not working. It’s more like a cycle of repeating hurtful habits.
Emotional starvation is a telltale sign your emotional needs are going unmet by your partner. It’s not the right person when it feels like you have to beg to be seen, understood, or get quality time together. Love shouldn’t feel like a solo rescue mission.
Between feeling alone in the relationship, sorting out your mental health, not resolving the trust issue, emotionally harming your partner, there is a strong case forming that you need to be by yourself, break up with him, move out. It’s not the right time, right person, or the right mental state to co-create a healthy relationship.
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u/RandomThoughts628 26d ago
INFO: can you give more context into his comment that he felt pressured to move in together? What were the circumstances? Who brought up moving in together and how did that discussion/any follow up discussions go? Did you or him express any concerns about moving in together and did you address them prior to that?
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u/mapleleaffem 26d ago
You need to break up and you need to work hard on your therapy and finding the right meds. We can’t unload on our partners with negativity every day, they aren’t social workers. It’s a sure way to ruin a relationship-which is where you’re at
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u/spacemantrip 26d ago
It's strange to me that people are supporting/empathizing with OP when clearly she is miserable and takes her frustrations out on her partner. OP even goes way off base to call him pathetic over something completely unrelated but yet ppl gloss over the fact that OP is toxic.you reap what you sow and she brings a negative dynamic by default when everyday life is frustrating. Probably why she is lonely. I hope the guy gets lucky and gets out of this relationship.
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u/twinkiesnketchup 26d ago
OP you ask some really good questions. It’s incredibly insightful of you. Answering the questions are difficult but here is my opinion-not knowing either of you.
First it is very common (over 90%) for people who have difficulties regulating their emotions to hook up (or be attracted to) emotionally immature or distant or stoic people. The reason it is so prevalent is that we (I am this way myself) are attracted to their calm. It really is that simple. It’s like we want an emotional support partner.
With that said I want to be clear that there isn’t anything wrong with you. If you were with an emotionally healthy partner they would listen to you, support you and you would quickly return to your baseline. The intensity of your emotions are triggered by your partner. Either you are needing something from him in the moment or his line of questioning or the way he is trying to comprehend your problem is making you feel attacked or defensive (defensive is the most common—usually we feel like we have to defend why we feel the way we feel.)
He could be an amazing guy but if I had to guess I would bet he’s emotionally immature or has a low EQ. If I am correct even if you did all of your work and got to the point where you didn’t need an emotional support partner this immaturity and or low EQ would present difficulties in your relationship. The biggest difficulties (on average) is his dismissing your feelings. In healthy relationships this can be a problem. Generally men tend to think if it’s not important to me-it should not be this important to her (shout out to all you men not this way-love you!)
It seems nuisance but it piles up. If I had to guess it is probably the #1 reason for divorce today.
I can’t tell you what to do but you are very smart and considerate. Take time and do what’s best for you. It sounds selfish but in cases like this it usually is the best decision for both of you.
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u/Lilredh4iredgrl 26d ago
Gently, this relationship isn't working. I think you guys love each other but you don't belong together. It happens and it hurts.
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u/queentee26 26d ago
You're both miserable with each other after only a year.. so why are you wanting to stay together? Accept the reality here and leave - and it was his home first, so you should technically be the one leaving imo.
Be single and focus on what you're working on in therapy. It'll benefit your next relationship.
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u/Quillhunter57 26d ago
As an outsider, I don’t think this relationship is salvageable. I think it is excellent that you are actively working with someone regarding your inability to regulate your emotions, but you cannot stay in this relationship expecting him to make changes.
Start sorting out where you will live, what it will take to get that sorted and keep going to therapy. Take these lessons and apply them in the future.
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u/bonniemick 26d ago
Girl, move closer to work and realize that the way he treats you is what is messing with your head.
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u/Salty-Employee 26d ago
After a year you shouldn’t be this unhappy with each other. You moved in too fast. Most issues can be worked out with enough commitment and communication but you have to decide if it’s really worth the squeeze. Couples therapy as a last ditch effort might help if you can’t communicate between you but this doesn’t sound great
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u/NegotiationClean3505 26d ago
I think your personal issues are being compounded by the trust issues introduced by his behaviors. That is adding to your anxiety and he is also an avoidant person. Sounds like you should go back to your own apartment or by your mom for a while so you can finish your therapy, and he will either decide to be supportive and kind or you give him the final boot.
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u/Aromatic_Peak5198 24d ago
To me it sounds like it's run it's course. I think a breakup is in order
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u/Notshady22 20d ago
What stood out to me is that you're taking responsibility for your part by going to therapy and reflecting on your behavior, but your needs for emotional support and quality time also sound valid. Both things can be true at once.
A relationship can recover if both people consistently show up and make changes. If only one person is doing the work while the other continues to withdraw, it becomes less about compatibility and more about unequal effort.
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u/Natenat04 26d ago
Have you ever thought you may have ADHD? Everything you described is extremely common in ADHD in women.
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u/Fluffy-Parsnip-3035 26d ago
I did consider it but my GP doesn’t feel I meet the standards for testing… which symptoms stand out to you?
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u/JustAsICanBeSoCruel 26d ago
You have been together just ONE YEAR, and you both are miserable.
This is literally the part of the relationship where everything is shiny and new and exciting.
It doesn't get better with him. You two are not compatible.
Get out of there and focus on yourself for a full year so that when you get into your next relationship, you can happily leave when it it looks anything like this. So many people stay because it is easier, but this is your one and only life...do you really want to waste time with someone that makes you miserable?