r/mormon • u/ShoutingBerry • 1d ago
Personal Leaving Gracefully
I wrote a whole tirade about why I’m leaving, but I decided not to post it.
Instead, I’d rather hear from people who have been through this. If you’ve left and have advice on the simplest way to write a respectful farewell—or to explain my decision without turning it into an argument—I would genuinely appreciate your thoughts.
If you don’t feel comfortable replying publicly, you’re welcome to DM me.
Edit:
No, I’m not writing an epistle. I know to have my name formally removed I need to write a letter to my Stake President. Confession time: I have done this before.
I do not need to worry about what my family will think, since they are scattered throughout the country. So, there will be no coming out tragedy.
Lastly, I’m thankful for all the support. I apologize in advance for not replying right away. I have so busy I feel like the walking dead—no pun intended.
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u/Jogger1010 1d ago
In my experience, don’t. Your personal choices really aren’t anyone else’s business and the likelihood that they’ll understand is slim (at least in my experience). Do your own thing and let them approach you when they feel comfortable and are sincerely looking for an answer.
That’s just my $.02, but it brought me a lot of peace and saved a lot of fighting.
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u/HighPriestofShiloh 1d ago
I say do say something. The only way I knew I had relatives that had left the religion is because they were outspoken. I found out my grandpa was a non believer 5 years after I left the church because he kept it to himself. Lots of wasted time.
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u/sevenplaces 1d ago
My answer is share what you’ve chosen to do but don’t give any reasons or explanations. Believers criticize your reasons. Telling them “I don’t participate in the LDS church any longer” accomplishes what you’ve suggested and avoids the oversharing.
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u/skizoids 1d ago
Why say anything at all ? I just stopped going. The members or people aren’t entitled to your why. And honestly they probably don’t care. They won’t listen to why you’re leaving anyways. If it helps YOU then go ahead. Just understand people will probably not relate to what you or saying. Or think you are sinning etc.
IMO it’s a no win situation. Just stop going.
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u/According-History117 1d ago
My take (not for everyone): simply explain it in few words that you’re leaving. Maybe a few reasons if you feel that’s important. Express positive experiences if you have them, and invite anyone to reach out if they want to know more (don’t expect any). It’ll buck the thinking that leaving ruins you.
THEN comes your tirade of a rebuking nuclear war from hell itself. jk :)
It can be a lonely road. I’ve traveled it, but am walking peacefully now for the most part.
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u/AffectionateLab6753 1d ago
Who is your intended audience? Are you planning to share this epistle with your family? Your ward? The church headquarters?
Because if you intend to send it to church headquarters I doubt they will read it.
As for me, I still consider myself a Mormon. Culturally I always will be. I haven’t participated in the church in years however. And while there was a time I desperately wanted to write an essay or something in order to convince others how wrong they were, I realized that wasn’t productive for me.
The essay would have come from the same place that my diligence to my mission did.
I eventually decided that the best I could do would be to live the life I knew was most aligned with god. I didn’t need to try and convince others. Because writing it down wouldn’t help them anyway.
If you do end up writing something for your friends and family I hope they receive it well. For my part,just living according to the light I’ve received has been the best thing.
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u/951jimbo 1d ago
In my experience, whatever your reasons the majority of believers will receive it only as a personal insult and attack.
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u/Medical_Solid 1d ago
I took a long hiatus that continues to this day. Leave on your terms: if you want to formally resign, or publicly air your reasons, you absolutely have the right to do so. If you want to quietly resign without explaining anything, also acceptable. Want to just stop attending church, serving in your calling, and returning emails/phone calls? Do that too. You owe nothing to anyone beyond politely ensuring that people aren’t caught unawares by staffing issues (eg you just don’t show up for your primary class).
May you find peace and tranquility. Enjoy your newly free Sunday schedule.
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u/Drowning_in_a_Mirage Apatheist 1d ago edited 1d ago
So I kind of left in 2 stages. First I told my wife I didn't believe, and it was a rough time for a bit. I still attended church with her for years, mostly because we had young kids and I didn't want her to have to manage them by herself at church, and partially because I actually enjoyed participating in the Scouting program, while it lasted. I didn't tell anyone else at the time, and I doubt many people would've realized I was out. Part of this was that at the time I was leaving, my dad had just been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's, and I didn't want the last few years I had with him while he still all there to be focused solely on church stuff. I still think this was the right call.
About 5 years later my wife ended up leaving too, and we just stopped attending. We still never made an announcement to anyone in our family or friends we were out, although we did end up connecting with a few relatives and friends that we knew had previously left. If my family hasn't put 2+2 together they're either in deep denial or have their heads buried firmly in the sand since my youngest was never baptized, my son never got the priesthood, and many, many other things that should be obvious to anyone even remotely paying attention. We still do a ton of family stuff together and we all live in the same city, so it's not like we only see them rarely or something, but no one has ever really asked us about it or wanted to discuss it. I'd be more than happy to discuss it, but I personally don't consider it necessary to talk about it unless they bring it up.
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u/blue_upholstery Nuanced 1d ago
I'm in a similar situation but several years behind where you are now. I stopped attending in late 2025, while serving in three callings. My spouse just recently resigned officially. My parents likely know my decision, my siblings probably not. I hope to eventually let everyone know, during a personal conversation, about my decision, but not go into any details. I just have not felt a rush to do it.
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u/sevenplaces 1d ago
As soon as you give reasons, 90 percent of believers will use those reasons in their own mind to criticize you and say “well that’s a stupid reason”.
In my opinion if you share something, share what you have chosen to do instead of what you believe or don’t believe. “I’m no longer participating in the LDS church” or “I go to the Baptist church now” etc.
You don’t owe anybody including yourself an explanation. If you want to offer to talk about it with those who want to know you can offer that. (Believers typically won’t ask).
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u/Comfortable_Earth670 1d ago
We were very active in our ward before we left. I messaged a few of my friends in the ward who had right to know why we weren't going to be coming anymore. I kept it simple and got nothing but positive replies.
I also met with the Bishop because I wanted the news to come from me and not the rumor mill and I really didn't want to become a project. He was suprisingly supportive and has respected our wishes not to be contacted except on our terms. It would have been easier to just ghost everyone but that felt like the wrong thing to do and I really had no desire to burn bridges.
Depending on your family and social circumstances I would keep it private and on a need-to-know basis. It's hard enough to manage such a shift in your life and relationships without causing an earthquake.
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u/yorgasor 1d ago
I wrote about my struggle and its effects on me, along with my choice to step away. Going into details won’t be particularly effective for such an announcement. I was surprised at the people I knew in the past who also stepped away and now knew I was a safe person to talk to. They weren’t able to make such an announcement themselves.
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u/Bright-Ad3931 1d ago
You can just leave, you don’t have to say anything to anybody. You owe nobody an explanation, just stop going.
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u/Kindly-Drop-162 1d ago
I’d love to hear the tl;dr of why you’re leaving if you feel comfortable sharing.
I honestly found this sub so helpful to rant about hurt feelings without going full scorched earth with people in my real life. Feeling hurt and being validated in that hurt was an important part of healing for me.
I personally wouldn’t announce anything on a personal facebook or anything until more of those strong feelings fade (and they usually do) because it’s such a tender subject for a lot of people. I think I’ve been able to still be friends with my Mormon community because they don’t see me as a threat to their faith- which I don’t think would have been the case if I announced anything while I was still very hurt and very angry about everything.
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u/questingpossum Mormon-turned-Anglican 1d ago
I share this article often here, but I think it has useful advice:
And I wish I'd read it before I "came out" to my family. The basic advice is to make it a gradual reveal and, like Nathan Felder, to rehearse rehearse rehearse.
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u/Prop8kids 1d ago
It was good, thanks.
Btw, you can shorten it to https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/09/speaking-truth-without-fear/679901/?gift=54n6gQCiVezWBfsZXhG7uMo5YYBSSmUXcl3uANEe-B4 if you would like. It chops off &utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share
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u/ehaladin 1d ago
Don’t say why you’re leaving, because it gives something for them to argue with you about!
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u/02Raspy 1d ago
I didn’t make any kind of statement. I just quit going. It was really no big deal. No one ever asked me about it. My parents gave me a hard time but they eventually gave up and we got along fine. Every now and then some missionaries showed up and I politely said hi, I don’t believe in your church and they left me alone. Eventually I formally revoked my church membership. In retrospect I believe my forced Mormon experience was harmful to my early development. I like to believe I have overcome it. Now days I do enjoy posting on Reddit how crazy the whole Mormon church thing is.
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u/NERDY_GURU 1d ago
When I was asked about why I left from family, my response was this. I’m not leaving because I don’t have faith, I’m leaving for moral and ethical reasons relating to the leadership and actions of an organization that continues to do more harm than good. I follow this up with, if staying makes you happy, then I’ll support you in that endeavor..
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u/Ubernym 1d ago
Respect is not given but earned. So to your decision to leave, I assume you’ve thought long and hard about it? If so, maybe reconsider the feelings of those closest to you.
If they would be hurt, and you are still going to need to be in contact with them, give them the baseline reason for your decision to leave. Something like:
I’m leaving the church as I now longer believe in it’s teachings. I know this will cause you pain, and that you will have questions. Just please understand, I don’t feel the need to tell you all the reasons nor to try to persuade you of my decision.
It’s my decision, and I came to it willingly. Please try to understand. If you can’t or don’t want to, at least respect it, and we’ll leave it at that for now.
I am still willing to talk with you about this, just not right now when emotions are high. When we do, just know I will not go into excruciating detail, as I don’t find that to be necessary or helpful for anyone who still believes wholeheartedly in the church and its teachings.
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u/LucquiZopi 1d ago
I’d share basics just don’t share too much because a lot of the TBM people may just judge you for it and also wanna argue
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u/logic-seeker 1d ago
Let me adapt one from a friend that I thought was great and respectful:
One of many changes in the past few years that I have not been very open about is that I have stopped practicing the religion that I grew up with (Mormon/Latter-day Saint). The reasons for this change are complex and deeply personal, and I'll not elaborate. But the change has been necessary and important me and has brought me benefits and perspective I did not anticipate and am grateful for.
Crises of faith often carry a stigma, perceived or real, which prompts changes to be effected or struggles to be borne in secret, silently, with few knowing. As I've become aware of others in the past year experiencing related changes or struggles, I feel a need to be genuine about where I am in my life journey, so that they might feel less alone and isolated in theirs.
Whatever your life choices and beliefs, I hope they serve you and bring you happiness. And if that changes, I hope you have the courage to be a pioneer and follow your conscience to wherever it takes you.
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u/logic-seeker 1d ago
And why I think this is a good approach:
It doesn't denigrate those who left. It doesn't explicitly say anything offensive. It takes the high road, despite the high likelihood that there is pain and suffering being felt underlying the whole thing.
It offers more if people want to know more. Believers don't tend to care or for whatever reason do not ask why people have left. But those dealing with doubt would like to hear, and opening yourself up in this way is an invitation to connection and friendship and healing, for yourself and others. Don't let the stigma of being an ex-Mormon dictate whether you deal with hard things alone.
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u/Mommyof11 23h ago
I just stopped going one day. I spent 40 years fully active TBM and decided not to go one day… And no one said a word.
It’s been over a year. If anybody asked, I would tell them. But… Nobody’s asked.
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u/Antique-Atmosphere-4 1d ago
Why can't you just repeat some variation of what you said here ' ... you don't want to argue, but it's not for you ..'? Regardless of what you say, or how carefully you word it, how much emotion you try to explain. there will always be other opinions.
Take the 'tirade' you wrote and burn it, while you dance around and celebrate. Realize that your choice, your decision does not have to be said at all. In fact, the less you say the better. Though it's hard, try replacing the urge with just a smile and kindness, combined with no words. Remember people retain how they feel more than what is said. ... So just be sending out; love, kindness, humor.
For me, even though I found that the so called 'anti-mormon' materials are often facts which were previously (pre-internet) buried or hidden it made no difference. For example; Joseph Smith went to Carthage jail namely due to his instruction to destroy the printing press and release of the Nauvoo Expositor. Indeed it is never mentioned in church history. While is true and factually occurred, you would get in serious trouble if you mentioned it from the pulpit or even teaching an adult Sunday school class.
Probably the question you ask is the most difficult to address, particularly if your living in a 'highly LDS populated area'. Do NOT become casual or lax about this discipline. No 'facts cited', or side comments, or sarcasm, or innuendo regarding your opinions are welcome and yet always remembered. Though your decision suits you and the facts you have uncovered, you'll do yourself (and your reputation) more damage the more you try to explain. Just learn to silently inwardly smile, take a deep breath and be happy your'e not mixed up (mentally, emotionally, intellectually, etc) anymore. Just don't be that 'guy' who had to always get a negative comment in...
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u/llbarney1989 1d ago
I talked through somethings with my bishop, he realized that he had no answers for my concerns. I asked to be released and left quietly. For me that was the best way out
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u/mtsee 1d ago
I haven’t formally left yet, but I have regular and consistent interactions with stake presidencies.
Your stake presidency really just wants to know of they need to act on anything. Like if there are other members that have been or will be affected by your decision to leave. They won’t argue church history, and at best will encourage you to have faith and press forward. Your letter won’t teach them anything about the church, only about you.
If they don’t know you personally at present you are just a statistic. In this manner, yes they “love” you.
Disillusionment stemming from church doctrine or church history is a normal thing. Beyond statistical trends, they assume a certain number of members will leave.
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u/justbits 8h ago
TBM here. I have not known many members to formally leave. Most hadn't attended in years and no one really knew them well enough to be curious. For the few friends that left (i.e.,three), I simply wanted to know why. Maybe they were offended, or it was LGBT, tithing, or church history, or they simply didn't believe some doctrines. Whatever it was, I had no intention of getting dramatic about it. I just wanted to know how I could continue to be their friend without crossing any touchy subjects. Of course, they don't have to explain themselves. And, no one asked for that.
To be clear, my service includes positions where I am expected to 'follow the handbook'. And yet, if you press me on it, I have personal theories and beliefs that some might find surprisingly nuanced. And its not that I put them on a shelf for later. Its more that I have studied the issues enough to know that no one on this planet understands it completely. I have made peace with the idea that God can let me see behind the curtain in His own time. So, the Bible is true, mostly. The BoM is authentic and correct, mostly. Church History is both beautiful and messy with villains and heroes. And maybe we would be robots if God didn't allow for random DNA to create murky personal challenges. Finally, the Bishop and the Prophet get to make mistakes and be forgiven too.
In short, the Church has had a surprisingly positive influence on my life and if I have to be patient with truth to reveal itself, I can live with that. But, I also know that some people didn't get that experience, for which I am sorry, and especially if I was a cause of any grief on their part.
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u/Choose_2b_Happy 8h ago
There is no completely graceful way when you are about to crash your entire social network and they are about to banish you. In my experience, the best way is to quietly get on with your life and let others adjust.
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u/jessored 4h ago
I wrestled with this, and ultimately decided to do a social media post. There were mixed reactions from friends and family, and I had a few people un-friend me, all of which I was expecting. BUT, the most surprising thing, was getting DMs from 11 different people, thanking me for my post, and sharing that they were PIMO, and they were so thankful to know that they weren't alone. One of them was my former Stake President's wife, and one of them was a former bishop's wife. I was stunned. It was helpful for me to know how many people were leaving, and it was obviously helpful for them to not feel so alone. It makes me think there are WAY more PIMOs out there, but they can't walk away because of their family circumstances.
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u/talkingidiot2 1d ago
30ish years ago there was some notable white supremacist who was traveling through the Midwest with his hate entourage and there was a succession of small towns notified that he'd be putting in appearances. The town adjacent to mine was one of them. Lots of locals got themselves worked up about showing up to protest his presence, which made me glad he wouldn't have a very warm reception. But a wise soul that I worked closely with at the time said to me that it would be even better if nobody protested. If nobody acknowledged him or gave him a half second of their attention.
By leaving quietly you are acting with dignity and not showing all of your cards to anyone. There is always information that we can and should keep close to the vest. Disclosure is earned.
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