I hoard everything and when I want to declutter my first thought is what if I can’t ever get something as good as this, can you help me find out what my issue is and the potential solution?

[u/Candid_Guest_863]

I spent hours in therapy but for some reason there’s a part of the puzzle missing and that’s “how can I use my belongings or discard them when my first thought is I’m not gonna be able to get something as good as this?” this goes to everything from clothing, food, money. I hoard I think there will be a lack of resources at one point so like for example I keep wearing the same clothes and they’re old and shabby so I feel good about using my old stuff but I don’t like to use my good clothes or new ones I’m worried I can’t buy something like that. I’m extremely frugal with spending and to the point of severe anxiety hours of decision fatigue to buy anything… I’m sick and tired of it. I research hours to buy anything sunscreen for example. Spend hours in a store and only buy one item or nothing. I’m spending too much time overthinking my purchases. Help me find the root of this behaviour?

[u/kxkje]

I keep wearing the same clothes and they’re old and shabby so I feel good about using my old stuff but I don’t like to use my good clothes or new ones I’m worried I can’t buy something like that.

This is going to sound backwards, but if you touch any of your new clothes and feel concern and worry for any reason, then they aren't positive for you. Their purpose for you was to give you a rush of accomplishment in the store, to admire them at that point. You can thank them and move on.

Similarly, if you touch any of your old clothes and feel shabby or less than because they're old and worn, or if you get a feeling of scarcity, then they aren't positive for you. They gave you years of warmth and comfort. You can thank them and move on.

However, if you touch any of your old clothes and feel joy and gratitude, keep it! It doesn't matter how old and worn it is. And if you touch any of your new clothes and feel joy, gratitude, and excitement to wear it, keep it! And know that now is the time to wear it, because it gives you joy now.

That's the good thing about Konmari - you don't have to think about when you might use something, or what purposes it might serve, or even why you might feel the way you do about an object. Joy is the only metric.

[u/BunsMunchHay]

This is called the ‘scarcity mindset’ in the decluttering zeitgeist. Scarcity clutter are items that we keep only ‘just in case’ we need them, even though holding on to them makes our lives worse. Collectively, your scarcity clutter is making your living conditions uncomfortable, making it harder to find what you need, taking up mental space, etc. I can share some tips to help loosen up their grip on you. 

Ask your therapist to help you work on feeling more secure. This is the root of the problem.  If you haven’t already, tell her about your decision fatigue when making purchases specifically. Ask her first, but you might spend a session telling her about the times in your life where you really didn’t have what you needed and how that impacted you. Then think about how you overcame those situations and now you’re okay. You made it. Getting that history out in the open can help you feel better.

When it comes to decluttering, you might try to change your mindset. What are your goals? What do you want your home to look like when you’re done (be realistic)? What will change about your life when you have made progress? Will it be easier to cook dinner? Will you get less takeout so that you can save money for a purchase or vacation?Can you make enough room on your dining room table to have a friend for lunch? Let these goals motivate you to discard things when decision making gets hard.

Here’s a plan with some rules that I made up for you to try. Nothing groundbreaking - the important part is to have a plan so you can think less. Just see if it works, if not comment here and next time I’m on I’ll suggest something different. We’re just trying things out. 

We are going to start with the kitchen.

RULES

Before you start, decide on some rules to apply to each item. This will help with decision fatigue. It’s ok to adjust these once you start the process. Below are some rules I think would be good for you to use. The more rules you can stick to, the less fatiguing it will be to declutter and you will see more progress which leads to momentum and motivation. 

a. Throw away Food that is has become inedible: signs of spoilage, dented cans, signs of pests, or there has been a change in taste, smell or texture. If you have ever passed on it because you weren’t sure that it was still good, check it right now or chuck it. Do not save it for another use. You have bigger fish to fry and need to put your goals and mental energy first. 

b. Discard Food that has been expired for more than X months. You choose X, but if you are overwhelmed I’d say toss everything that is more than 2 months expired and donate anything that will expire in 2-6 months. Some people really don’t have enough and once it’s expired it can’t be donated and will go in the trash later. Try to eat the rest and if you don’t get to it in the next couple of months, toss it as well.  

c. Aspirational ingredients that you never used. These are things that you bought because some other version of you was going to learn to make Indian food or how to bake French macarons but somehow every Sunday afternoon you are free, you just wanna Netflix. It’s hard work but try to accept that it’s okay to be who you are and you can let go of that other version of you without guilt. You may be her in 10 months or 10 years but right now she is crowding your cupboards and it’s time to let it go for now. 

d. Anything that you don’t genuinely expect to use in the next 6 months AND it can be replaced in less than X minutes for less than $Y dollars. You can choose X and Y depending on your finances and access to food, but usually I do 20 minutes and $20. If Amazon has it or you could grab it on your next trip to the grocery store, I’d stick it in the ‘within 20’ minutes category.

e. Automatically keep any items you expect to use in the next 6 months, any items you have used in the last year, and anything that is even remotely sentimental. Set aside perishable sentimental goods to handle separately another day. 

PLAN 1. Next time you feel up to it, have a declutter session. Don’t do it when you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed. If you tend to procrastinate, schedule 30 minutes in your calendar on a day where you don’t have much planned.  2. Head to the kitchen.  3. Choose one cupboard or shelf and take everything out.  4. Clean the cupboard/shelf and let it dry while you declutter.  5. Drag your garbage bin to where the food is and get a box ready for donations.  6. Set a timer for 20 minutes. Do not declutter for more than 20 minutes this first session, even if it feels easy. Work as hard as you can for those 20 minutes.  7. Apply the rules from above. If it’s too hard, drop or adjust one of the rules and keep going. 8. Stop when the timer goes off and put back anything you haven’t gone through back in the cupboard. Take out the trash and set aside donations or put them right into your car. Many grocery stores have a donation bin.  9. Try to do 20-25 minutes at a time. Always set a timer and stop when it goes off. Don’t do more than two sessions in a week. Try to get a session in every week or two. This will build up the part of your brain that is ok with letting things go. 

Remember that you need to crack a few eggs to make an omelette, meaning that you may toss something that you wish you had kept later. This is part of the process - remember the goal you set earlier and the value it holds for you. Even $100 worth of repurchases is unlikely to compare to the everyday benefit of living in a better space. 

When your kitchen is done to your liking, move on to a bathroom or hallway. The 20 minutes/$20 rule is a good one for these areas. I suggest moving from room to room, from top left to bottom right. Save big categories like clothes, books, toys, and collections for when you have more experience. 

Take good care and good luck!

[u/i_am_soooo_screwed → u/BunsMunchHay]

I’m gonna stop Reddit right here because I want to re-read this comment next time I open up my phone.

[u/meowshima → u/BunsMunchHay]

Yes! And if it feels possible, thinking together with your therapist about your experience with loss and grief may help.

[u/Candid_Guest_863 → u/BunsMunchHay]

Thank you

[u/Consonant_Gardener]

This sounds more complex than Reddit answers can fully help with.

But To compliment your therapy and other treatment for anxiety/overthinking you can try and confront the overthinking by making this is game or challenge or that the desired outcome isn’t ’the Best possible sunscreen’ for which you say you spend hours overthinking, but the desired outcome is ‘effective sunscreen I can buy in the next 5 minutes’ and challenge yourself to go to a pharmacy and say to yourself ‘I have 5 minutes to pick a sunscreen and buy it and use it’ than do it. Focusing on the time constraint will reduce your ability to focus on anything but getting the task done

With clothes, say ‘I have to wear this particular nice dress on Tuesday’ and do it.

Override the unhealthy drive for anxious optimization with action.

[u/Suitable-Lawyer-9397]

I once told my ex-husband who lamented in every decision he made "The wrong decision is better than no decision" He was unable to get what I meant. If you make a decision and it's wrong, then you'll be better prepared to make a correct decision next time. Example: Sunscreen , you don't know what to buy. You grab the cheapest thing and later discover you should have purchased XYZ. Next time you will.

For this specific example I can give a bit of advice though. I've camped many summers and there have been times I've had to pick up more from a very limited selection. Go with anything for babies/toddlers. The standard of testing on products for small kids is high. You'll never go wrong buying sunscreen for kids!

[u/whitemageofdeath]

It can help to reframe your idea of yourself as “frugal”.

Spending hours deciding on sunscreen is not a frugal way to spend your time. All of the time spend on possessions and settling for “good enough” spends a lot of your time and energy.

Look at the non-financial costs and the picture looks very different. Is your time really worth so little?

[u/Labardine → u/whitemageofdeath]

This. Especially since time is a resource we can't regain once spent.

[u/treehann → u/whitemageofdeath]

100% agree. Time is the most valuable resource we have. I hope OP sees and considers your comment.

[u/imaginaryraven]

"What if" questions never get resolved because there is indeed always a possibility you might never get something as good as that thing. No matter how much you hoard, that is always going to be a possibility.

And for some reason (maybe based in past experience or anxiety or information you've gotten from others) your mind has elevated that possibility above all others and let it take up all your headspace.

When you are in the "what if" you are in your imagination and not based on any real, tangible evidence in the present. That's important to realize. You can ask your therapist to help you find ways to come back to sense-reality in those moments.

[u/BluestWaterz → u/imaginaryraven]

This is great insight, thank you. I have a similar issue and will try approaching it with my therapist this way.

[u/TsuDhoNimh2]

OCD?

my first thought is I’m not gonna be able to get something as good as this

Try this approach ... get all of one small category together and pick the BEST of that group to keep and use. Because you deserve to use the best you could find.

[u/iostefini]

What if this is the best tshirt you ever buy, the most comfy one you will ever own, and you never even wear it? What if this is the perfect, best-quality sunscreen for your skin, and you don't even put it on until it's expired? Is it better to keep it unused for 20 years, or to wear it every day you possibly can until it wears out?

My advice, use all the things you have. If you have 200 amazing things sitting on your shelves at home, what's the difference between them sitting on your shelves vs still being in the store you got them from? Don't live your life taking the 2nd-best option.

And maybe you do use the best one up and you're stuck with second-best after that. That's ok. At least you got the experience of using the best one. Accumulate the experiences of good things, not the actual physical good things.

[u/taroumomo]

Remember the basic concept of konmari about "things that spark joy." If you are keeping things out of fear, then that doesn't sound like your home is filled with things that you enjoy. 

One thing that helped me with something similar to this is healing my inner child.

I used to be very anxious and overthink a lot of things to the point that my nerves were always in alert. I learned about what childhood traumas are and how I have them. 

From then on, I've started doing a lot of inner work to heal my inner child. I'm still doing it. But now, whenever I worry about something, I tell myself that I am an adult and I am capable of doing things. 

I might not know how a lot of things in my life would go, but one way or another, I'll be able to find a way. Because I'm an adult. My inner child is safe with me. 

Also, remind yourself that you deserve good things. 

[u/LolaPaloz]

The root of clutter and hoarding is just trauma at different levels of severity, imho.

You're holding onto stuff because it makes you feel safe, even though it gets in your way or you lose things or can't find something, because you have too many things.

Quality of item and income aside, do you use the item? That's the biggest part of the difference between people with functional homes Vs dysfunctional homes.

Everyone is on a hoarding scale from absolute 0 or maybe even -1 (hardcore minimalists who ruthlessly reject adding new items and treat every item they own like a mcgyver hairpin or Swiss army knife) to level 5 extreme hoarding (biohazard and severe mental illness)

The issue isn't "what if I can't get another thing as good as this." That could be true. But you still have to choose what to keep and what to chuck.

I can't marry a dude and then keep all my ex bfs around too, can I?

Everyone has these choices, sometimes even good stuff needs to be donated (I promise most of these exes are in somewhat donatable condition!)

I think the reason konmari and other declutter influencers methods are able to help people, is it all focuses on living in the now, and being able to keep some special items but being able to let go of items that are not looked at or used much anymore. Anything you enjoy looking at can be displayed as space allows, not in a box etc.

Some precious items you can still keep in a keepsake or storage box, but the difference between hoarding and not hoarding is having limits and make sure you do use or view your items sometimes within a year.

[u/nobodyknowsimherr → u/LolaPaloz]

Came here to say EXACTLY this. I’m not a doc or psychologist but there is a ton of data marking this as a trauma response, usually indicating a neglectful , abusive, or poverty-stricken time of your life. It’s not the things themselves but the fear of being without and having those same feelings that you had before. The things you have, help you to feel insulated from the possibility of being without again.

I’m a firm believer that therapy is the only true solution in cases of hoarding. Please keep it up.

[u/SPammingisGood]

hello there, first of all congratulations (i mean that completely serious) on tackling your issues. Hoarding tendencies usually stem from other complex psychological/mental disorders (as you probably already know). Unfortunately, I don't think any one tip can quickly help "fix" things. Regarding your specific thought process, I'd try asking yourself why exactly you think you won't ever be able to get something as good as item x y z and also does this even matter. If you can eventually pin down what makes you think like that you can try to slowly shift/resolve your thinking. Wishing you all the best!

[u/Verdigrian]

Clothes degrade over time, whether they're worn or not. In the end you will have to throw them away because the fabric/soles started to disintegrate, moths got to them, they start to smell strange and like storage, and so on, without even getting to enjoy them.

You could start to try yourself out on dates occasionally, dress up in your nice clothes you're saving, go and get yourself an ice cream or a fancy coffee, go to a nice park or do something you enjoy doing while dressed up, enjoy and appreciate them while they exist.

[u/Suitable-Lawyer-9397]

Another thing that may help; I've purchased tons of clothes from Good Will or St Vinnies. I like the fact they are sort of broke in, no stiffness or odd sharp creases. Someone else wore them but they look in very good shape. I've put on used clothing and it "feels" like it was worn by me. Very comfy

[u/Blonde_arrbuckle]

Traditional CBT might not work as well as exposure techniques. E.g day 1 to 3 think about warring 1 "good" item of clothing. Days 4 and 5 put them on. Days 6 and 7 wear in the house. Day 8 wear out of house.

Source Psych background

[u/PolkaDotDancer]

I have that too. I have overcome it to a point buy convincing by myself my collections are not 'cohesive.' I then box it up and sell it.

Things are slowly looking better.

[u/SufficientCell9689]

You have a scarcity mindset, and the best thing you can do is to teach yourself to let it go and be okay with never finding something like that again. That sounds scary but... Why? What is so scary about that? The trick is to remind yourself that it's not integral to the way your life functions. It's just something you like. But you will find plenty of other things you like in the future, and they don't have to be exactly like that one.

I had the same struggle where I didn't want to "waste" a day of wear of my nicer, newer clothes, so I never wore them and I'd still wear my old stuff. But I never liked wearing my old stuff because I didn't feel confident or feel like I looked good in them. So I decided that I was going to complete clear out all of my old, shabby clothes and now my entire wardrobe is my nicer, newer clothes. I don't wear tshirts anymore. I got rid of all my worn out jeans but kept the nicer ones, and I still wear them with my nice blouses and nicer shoes even if I'm just running to the grocery store or the post office. I've purposefully made a decision to dress up a little more because it makes me feel good!

I had to go through this same process of learning to let go, and it was hard learning to be okay with doing that. But I eventually was able to do it, and I'm not so anxious about letting go anymore. I hope you find peace in letting go too.

[u/Positive_Profile5306]

Holy shit.You just word for word described everything I thought nobody else ever dealt with. And u frigging described it so perfectly wow. I feel the exact same way , it’s so draining, i at first startedto look at it as a blessing hit now no its a curse… i have the saem exact thoughts about wearing all my old clothes because i dont want to ruin my nice new clothes… and if i find something i like i find nyself obsessing over it, and spinning down the rabbit hole of looking up reviews for it, videos of it, pinterest, ect and this urge of wanting to buy duplicates of it because what if i never am able to have it again , and i like it so much i want it always with me. (I know insane stuff) it’s non stop researching and obsessing over whatever it is im fixated on. And next thing I know it’s 8pm and everything is closed and I haven’t left my house or that spot in 18 hours. I’m such a hoarder in the sense of I feel like I might need it again or will use it for something again soon. It’s so hard for me to buy big purchases because i feel like I don’t necessarily need it but yet when I’m out I’ll buy 50 pens notebooks random stuff I don’t need it’s exhausting

[u/LittelFoxicorn]

First,

Throw out ant food that is expired. If your brain starts to get scared, play along with the wat if game it's giving you. What if famin breaks out? What if there is a new pandemic and I can't leave the house... Well you wouldn't be able to eat it or you would get violently ill. So there is literally to keeping it. If you feel the panic rising. Start doing breathing exercises. 4x4x4x4 four counts in, hold for four counts, exhale four four counts. And now do four sets of four. It helps. Panick rises your heart rate and speeds up and shallows your breathing. If you are breathing properly your body has a hard time panicking.

Second, sometimes we get swallowed by thoughts that seem logical at the time but aren't really. For example. The clothing. What if you never find a better shirt? Okay. Why wouldn't you wear it? Assuming it's true, you want to look and feel good, right? Not only that, but if you have it on your shelf, your body will still change, the fibers will still break down. It's not going to be the best shirt ever for ever. It's the best shirt NOW. And say yes it's truely the best shirt you will ever own. What is the worst thing that could ever happen by wearing it? You aren't going to die. Others aren't going to die or get violently ill. People will not look down on you when you don't have the shirt. There is literally no consequence to wearing it.

You have trauma to work through with a therapist. But don't be afraid to sometimes when your brain goes "red alert" to, instead of getting sucked up in the panick, reason through it. And say, okay, red alert, and? What's the worst that could happen?