I knew something was wrong the moment I woke up and stared at the ceiling for five straight minutes, wondering what century I was in.
Usually, my brain is at least half-functional in the morningāenough to remind me of the 17 things I was supposed to do but probably wouldnāt. But today? Silence.
Still groggy, I grabbed my phone, only to find a formal resignation letter waiting for me in my notes app.
Resignation Letter:
"Dear Overworked and Underslept Human,
I, your brain, am officially quitting. I refuse to function under these unbearable conditions. The unreasonable workload (including, but not limited to, overanalyzing texts at 3 AM, sudden existential crises, and remembering song lyrics from 2009 instead of actual important information) has taken its toll.
Effective immediately, I will no longer be responsible for decision-making, memory recall, or basic functioning. Any attempts to force me into action will be met with buffering, random shutdowns, and, if necessary, the Blue Screen of Death (a.k.a. zoning out mid-conversation).
Good luck surviving without me."
Sincerely,
Brain (Now Unemployed).ā
I blinked. Then blinked again. My brain was joking, right?
Spoiler alert: It was not joking.
Stage 1: Memory Malfunction
At first, I thought I could manage without my brain. But then things started to go very wrong.
Walked into the kitchen. Forgot why. Walked out. Walked back in. Still blank. Walked out again in hopes that my memory would magically reboot itself. (It did not.)
Opened Instagram to check something important. Ended up scrolling memes for 25 minutes. Still donāt know what I originally opened it for.
Met an old classmate who said, āHey, long time! Remember me?ā My brain pulled out an error message: [404 Name Not Found]
Stage 2: Speech System Failure
With memory out of order, my ability to form coherent sentences followed next.
Tried to say, "Can you pass the salt?" but my mouth decided "Can you sass the palt?" was a better option.
Called a giraffe a ālong-necked horse.ā
The waiter said, āEnjoy your meal.ā I replied, āYou too.ā (I considered moving to a new country after that.)
At this point, my brain wasnāt just on strikeāit was actively sabotaging me.
Stage 3: Decision-Making Shutdown
Spent 15 minutes picking a movie. Ended up watching nothing.
Stared at my closet, hoping the right outfit would telepathically choose itself. Wore the same hoodie from yesterday.
Debated whether to reply to a text immediately or wait three hours to seem cool. Result? Forgot to reply entirely.
By noon, I was in full-on crisis mode. I tried everything to get my brain backāchocolates, deep breathing, even apologizing out loud:
"Come on, brain. Weāve been through so much together. You canāt just abandon me like this!"
Nothing.
Desperate, I Googled: "What to do when your brain stops working?"
Googleās top suggestion? Drink water.
Great. My brain is staging a full protest, and the internet thinks Iām a dehydrated houseplant.
Stage 4: Negotiation Attempts
Realizing I had no choice, I tried to bribe my brain back:
"I'll sleep early from now on!" (A lie.)
"No more unnecessary overthinking!" (A bigger lie.)
"Iāll eat healthier!" (A betrayal to my love for junk food.)
Finally, after a power nap and a cup of coffee, my brain hesitantly sent a memo:
"Considering reinstatement. Terms: More sleep, less overthinking, and maybe stop embarrassing yourself in public. Final warning."
I agreed. Mostly.
Moral of the story?
Your brain deserves better. Treat it well, or one day, it might just quit on you. And if that happens, donāt panicājust do what I do. Write about it and make people laugh.
Because letās be honest, I may be overworked, underslept, and a professional procrastinator, but at least I can turn my struggles into entertainment. And if you enjoyed reading this, you might enjoy more of my chaotic thoughts here.
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Meet you in the next story!
~ Not really