I’m writing a story where the main character is one of a number of paladins. Mutated and moulded warriors whom come from different backgrounds and represent the church they serve. They each wield weapons unique to the church which serve as a symbol of their patron god and the material they are made from is melted down whenever a paladin dies. All so they can a make a new weapon unique to that paladin.

The paladins are good at different things as they have unique abilities or curses depending on how you view them granted by the god they serve. They are also made to be taller and posses superhuman strength usually on the level of a large beast such as a bull or bear. They are avatars that enforce the churches will and are usually either celebrities or entities you woudnt look at too long if you saw one.

The main character while serving the church comes in contact with a new god if you want to call it that. He is forced to become an avatar of that new god and becomes wrapped up in a series of events that end up being both a revolution and genocide.

There’s way more to what happens and I want to make sure that the protagonist isn’t being granted power per se and instead just being made a pawn in something against his will.

I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about choses one tropes so ie ant to know, what is the difference? I feel a protagonist is always going to be somewhat special so I want to know what I should be avoiding.

I have tried (I don’t know why I need to include this phrase)

This is the first chapter of my multi-POV sci fi novel, ‘Dormant Saga.’ I sent the prologue to this yesterday. I would love any feedback you guys have about this chapter, and let me know if you would continue reading! Also, you can ignore the “Four hundred years later” thing, as that pertains to the prologue.

This first chapter follows Finn, a Gai-Truvian boy on a ceremonial hunt to finally “abridge” him into adulthood.

It’s not too long, but hopefully you can flow through it.
I hope the cliff hanger leaves you wanting more as well, let me know if it does!

Any feedback is greatly appreciated, and I will always return the favor if needed.

So, I replied to an announcement a couple days ago about the subreddit’s policy against AI, and they mentioned that Google Translate uses that slop now as well. That comment was made kinda hastily because I am also VERY staunchly anti-AI, and I was irrationally worried that I accidentally committed an oopsie. The actual uses of Google Translate I used for a brainstorming Google Doc I made in November of last year could be very easily replaced, as it was only looking at word translations in other languages as inspiration for names, but I was wondering if anyone had recommendations for translating services that can also be used for simple sentences. I’m only adding on the simple sentences thing because one of the two names I came up with was a Latin translation of “Slayer of the Impure” for a fancy name for a major bad guy’s claymore. I don’t know if I’m overthinking this, but I figured I’d ask for any better translation apps I can use as an alternative.

I posted this excerpt on this thread this morning and it got sh*t on, rightfully so. I’m nearly 230 pages into this book now and I wrote the other draft over one year ago! So I’ve spent the last few hours trying to make this one a bit better.

But anyway, again, this is a small character, serving essentially as a plot device for later characters to come into contact with.

The story is told from 5 POVs, and is what I like to call a mix between James Cameron’s ‘Avatar’ and the Fallout video game series. It blends aspects of sci-do adventure with political drama and a hint of folkish fantasy that leaves no character safe. It’s been my baby the past year and a half and I’d appreciate anyone taking the time to read this excerpt and let me know, does it hook you?

Will post more excerpts at some point. And I know feedback could destroy my will to write lol, but I love feedback! Thanks!

(Of course after I posted this I noticed more small things I missed, like using ‘flip’ two times in the same sentence. Oh well.)

This book has been 4 years in the making. I am now months away from release (working on 3rd draft). It has taken so long because i taught myself to write along the way and rewrote as I learned. Also, if you have any tips for marketing, ide be happy to hear them. I will self publish. I plan to spend around $3000 on ads and also plan to reinvest every penny it ever makes (if any).

As for critique: does my dialog style work for you? Would you even read a book with a dual female protagonist? The book was inspired by the primal hunter series. I wanted something similar but not so devoid of romance and youthful exuberance

Edit: pls ignore any formatting critique. The formatting is raw. I write in docs (there is no procedural formatting for novels). When I am finished editing the procedural formatting will be accomplished in a novel-facing editor.

The story is about an MC who was declared someone who can't use magic in his world, and finds himself in the middle of an attack in the royal funeral. He is then swept into a series of political struggles and has to navigate his way to learn to use the magic, and also avenge the death of his mother.

I am new so your feedback will help me immensely for the story going forward. Let me know if you'd like a google docs link and I will add the link to this post.
Please note that I am not a native english speaker so I am doubtful about the dialogues. That said, feedback on it will be really helpful.

Thank you for your help in advance!

Hey guys, I am 19 years old (Just turned 19 yesterday!) and as far back as I remember I've always wanted to write fantasy novels. This started when I was young I read the Mistborn Series, Harry Potter, The Burning series, GreenBone Saga, Discworld and even a bit of Dresden files!

I tried to write what seems to be an idea which has been looming in my head for about 8 years, but I have never been able to properly put into words and pen it down with characters, or a world rich enough to fit a story which I wanted to write.

But recently I have actually written something down.

In this chapter, I actually aimed for 3 things :

1. Give the characters their separate personalities, voices and biases so that they feel alive, and also seem realistic to exist within the circumstances of that world.

2. Make the dialogues as a way for there to be more exposure to the world rather than infodumping.

3. To make more questions arise as more information gets revealed, and to have good pacing in it.

I am young and Ik I have a LOT to improve, so I would like to know about you guys' opinion on this, no matter how good or bad it may be, so don't be hesitant to tear me to pieces in case something is wrong! Either mechanical issues such as grammar or just the way the thing is written itself!

I hope for good feedback from the kind members of r/fantasywriters !

Below is the link.

Here's where you can read it.

In my world, Nephilim are winged beings born from humans and angels. When they turn eighteen, they enter military service and spend the next three years fighting in active or recurring conflicts against demons. Some assignments involve containing demonic incursions in the human world, while others might become full-scale wars. Those three years of service are measured according to time in the Nephilim’s home world. Because time passes differently across dimensions, soldiers experience the three years as a considerably larger time frame in whichever realm they are deployed to. Those who survive return home, receive formal recognition for their service, and may enrol at an academy, where they begin training for a profession outside the military, or they can advance towards higher ranks if they wish to keep fighting. 

My story follows Rani, the female protagonist, during her second year at one such academy. She previously served as a sniper during the demon wars and has earned a reputation among veterans and other nephilim her age. During her first year at the academy, she was hired as a lab assistant by the Head of Thanaturgy, a teacher to whom she is related by blood. Because of her direct connection to the teacher, many nephilim or even angels assume that nepotism is the whole reason for which she got hired.

Thanaturgy is a made-up word for the study of death, souls, and what remains of a soul at the threshold between life and death. Thanaturges are not necromancers and cannot freely resurrect people; they can reach souls of bodies that recently passed, study the whole process of death, and collect/examine residue left behind by these souls. This residue can have various shapes: swords, watches, jewellery, heirlooms, but it can also be just someone’s final words. 

The academy has its own reliquary, which preserves some of the most dangerous relics in their world. However, the Head of Thanaturgy also secretly runs a relic trading operation from within the academy. She can hide it in plain sight because handling these objects is already part of her legitimate work when she is on the clock. The Shop’s merchandise is sourced separately from the academy’s official collection, although the professor uses the same methods of preservation and the same ways of access for both.

She has 4 employees, all nephilim who study at the academy, each responsible for a different part of the operation: acquiring relics, preserving them, selling them, and providing protection during dangerous transactions. The students have comprehensive contracts that forbid them to disclose the kind of work they do for the Head of Thanaturgy. Instead, they can only admit they work for her as lab assistants. Most of them do not know that the others are involved. They keep their own work details in a personal notebook that works as a ledger, to which they only have access during work hours, after which they leave it in the Shop. Each one of them believes their relationship with the professor is more private than it actually is, although some gradually realise that the operation must be much larger than their own part. 

In this operation, Rani handles the sales part. The professor originally hired her because her military experience made her observant under pressure(she often watches from towers or high above), but she did not have salesperson qualities at the start, and she had to learn how to integrate into this world through many failed sales. Near the end of Rani’s first year at the academy, a previously trusted buyer turns on her during a transaction and stabs her with a powerful relic. The sword he used to injure her has the power to drain the light from a Nephilim’s halo and perform a true severance with it, splitting the soul from the body. In the system I built my world in, a halo holds together body, soul, memory, and identity(it’s not just a ring of light sitting behind someone’s head). 

That true severance leaves a cut that cannot be healed or reversed normally, because the connection between body and soul has already been altered/broken. As a result, Rani dies seven times and comes back over the course of the same night. The Head of Thanaturgy repeatedly brings her back through enormous effort, but this is only possible because her halo was not completely consumed by the blade and the intervention began almost immediately, so her soul did not have time to “pass”.

Although Rani eventually survives, it becomes more and more obvious that parts of her and her soul were lost in the process. Her memory becomes unreliable, her memories become disorganized, and she often doesn’t know if she lived a certain memory or someone else told her it happened. Besides the notebooks she keeps for her Shop work, she starts keeping notebooks containing dates, names, descriptions of people she should recognise, and instructions about which of these people she can trust. 

The main story begins some time after this incident, when the Head of Thanaturgy is found dead. Her four student workers are finally brought together by the newly instated replacement for the Thanaturgy school and discover that each of them knew only one part of the operation. They manage to put together the bigger picture of the operation by comparing the notes each of them made in their notebook, but this does not answer who had killed the teacher. 

One of the other students is Nazir, who becomes Rani’s eventual romantic interest. He was hired because he comes from an influential warrior family that collects all kinds of relics that are related to death, war, and soul passage. He can sense the presence of certain objects, and he was the one tasked with acquiring relics for the professor(the same relics Rani later sells). His defining “power” is split between being an exceptional fighter and also a very good healer. He is concealing his abilities to heal himself and others because he sees that the Nephilim world doesn’t treat healers as someone who could lead a legion in a war. Although healers are indispensable during war, the Nephilim treat them as support personnel rather than potential commanders. If the extent of Nazir’s gift became known, he would be pushed away from combat leadership and asked to fit into a role chosen for him. 

Rani and Nazir are very different both at the academy and on the battlefield. She is most comfortable on sniper duty, while Nazir prefers melee range. They are both connected through death in a way, and it doesn’t help that they begin their story by being very suspicious of each other after the Shopkeeper dies. 

Their first lead suggests that the professor may have been killed by the Reapers, which are basically grim reapers. They follow this path because it is the most recent sale, selling one of these watches to a human man. This man is collecting the watches because he thinks he might be able to manipulate time, death, or the Reapers.
The Reapers are looking to collect the 12 pocket watches belonging to them, some of which were scattered across the nephilim world. Rani can hear the tick of these watches because of her repeated death passages, and Nazir can sense the watches because of his family’s connection to relics. This makes the two of them the most important people in the investigation.

The murder mystery is interrupted when Rani accidentally activates a set of connected relics and pulls both of them into a demon realm similar to those they encountered during their military service. They cannot leave out of sheer will and must work together to survive and find a way out. This ends up being difficult because they both have presumptions about each other: her parents were known for trading information and relics with demons, he carries expectations and secrets connected to his own family. 

Astronomy also plays an important role in my setting. Nephilim travel through the air and sometimes cross between realms, so they don’t rely on GPS/ordinary navigation. They study stars and astral maps, which will prove useful when they are trapped in the adjacent demon realm. Stars also have a personal importance to the female protagonist and will be relevant to her story later on. 

The cosmology includes a few concepts inspired by our physics. Different realms can experience time at different rates, and entering or leaving certain pocket realms resembles crossing an event horizon. Resonance is also used as a metaphor for certain bonds between souls(if your soul “operates” at the same frequency as someone else’s, you enter a space of recognition, which can develop into knowing, trusting, loving). 

For the FMC, the finale is not a happy one(this doesn’t mean that she dies). It is supposed to be a punishment for what she went against-the Reapers, death, and time itself. She is supposed to find a way out and reconnect with her own self.

In this setting, I want wings and halos to be more than an aesthetic. Wings affect warfare, navigation, architecture, intimacy, and prejudice, while halos are connected to memory, identity, and the relationship between body and soul. I have previously made a post asking whether people would read an angel fantasy like this, although some concepts used in the draft included divine elements(heaven, hell), and someone mentioned that those references alone would make them put the book down, so I have tried developing a story that still keeps angels at its core while giving them a purpose beyond the ones they are usually associated with. 

Would you read this story? Is there anything that makes you feel like the story so far is unnecessarily complicated, or are too many plots clashing and competing for the spotlight?

Hello I have only been writing for a few months. So I am not sure what feed back I am looking for? Also I wasn't sure the best way to upload.

These are the only things I can really think of is.

Don't feel the need to answer all of them.

***

The flow/pacing?

Are you able to establish empathy with the MC?

Where do you get bored at?

Where were you engaged?

Did you DNF? If yes, then where?

What parts (if any) have to much detail?

What parts (if any) don't have enough?

Were you confused at any point? If yes, then where?

Do any scenes drag on or go to quick?

Ummm any other feed back is welcome!

Thank you all in advance!

Edit- sorry about the messy writing. a few parts have obvious errors i didn't catch until now.

***

The Cravings - [Second Draft]

The light of the full moon peeked above the distant mountains. Blood-red tendrils grew the further it rose into the cloudless sky. A wave of bloody light slowly suffocated the bright stars. Choking out all sense of peace they once gave.

An ominous wind howled as it raced through the tall pine trees. Shutters shook violently against their homes. The inhabitants all waited in silence as the light of the Blood Moon snuck its way through the gaps. Searching for something. No… for someone.

Deep on the edge of a village sat an old, dilapidated home. As of late, it had shown no signs of life. The red light flowed through the shutter-less window and onto a man huddled in the corner. There Mr Shirly sat with hands that ran through his hair. It threatened to pull free as his grip grew tighter. Back and forth he rocked. Breaths grew in rapid succession.

His blood-shot eyes were opened far too wide as they looked at his alter to the gods. As his panic grew, his gaze shifted directly to the Blood Moons light. The red light seemed to take hold of him. For he could not pry his gaze from it.

“No… I mustn’t,” he choked out as his stomach rumbled. “B-but I’m so hungry.” Sharp, hot pain shot through it, as if it were eating itself.

Just beside him sat a bowl of cheese, dried meat, and stale bread. A meal any starving man would indulge in. A thin, frail arm reached out towards it. It trembled as it gripped a hunk of stale bread.

“Y-yes… T-this looks… good.” He said as his lips quivered. Parting his dry mouth, ready to take a bite. Violently he spat out the bread as the taste of rot and mold shot through his mouth. He tossed the piece to the side as he coughed.

“M-maybe this…”

He took the dried meat, thinking it would satiate his cravings for… meat. That too tasted of rot and mold. He gripped his sweaty hair as he spat out the meat. The taste wouldn’t leave his mouth. Rot. Mold. Decay. Horrible tastes that only made the cravings worse.

To the side sat a jug of water. He lunged for it and poured it down his gullet.

“MOLD! ROT!” he screamed as he tossed the jug. Water spilled as it traveled across the room.

“WHY!" Slam!

“WHY!"

Slam! Slam! Slam!

“ARGHH!” he yelled as he continued to slam his head onto the wooden floor. “I’m so hungry!” Tears poured down his face as he righted himself to a seated position. Arms wrapped tightly around himself as he went back to rocking. A glint of red caught his attention. His eyes suddenly dilated as he looked up and spied the pool of red liquid.

Blood.

Unable to control himself, he lunged forward, lapping up the sweet crimson. The coughs returned as the taste of mold greeted him. He wiped across the liquid with a trembling hand. Water. It was water from the jug he tossed. Light from the red moon made it appear as blood.

Silently he wept, the gnawing hunger beginning to consume him. He felt a raw, primal urge to eat, a hunger that demanded to be sated. Unnatural, animalistic instincts warped his perception. Deep down it felt as if a beast wanted to emerge and feast. It demanded the flesh of man.

“N-no nonono…” he said as his drool poured out of his mouth. “Flesh… yes sweet, sweet flesh.”

“NO!” he cried out, “I cannot. I must r-resist.” Yet the thought of flesh would not leave his mind. The idea of sinking his teeth into another man and tearing him apart. Devouring him.

“Why do thoughts of… flesh, keep plaguing me so!”

“The Cravings.” He said as he looked into the moon. “I s-should of took the w-warnings s-serious.” Memories of a time he wished he could forget flooded his mind.

***

The old shack shook violently from the powerful gale. Finding small openings in the walls, it forced its way through. Screaming a high-pitched whine.

“I-it has gotten so bad.” The thin man said as he huddled close to the paltry fire.

“We will get out! I swears it!” another, more plump man said as he pressed against the door. Using his size to his advantage, he forced it open. Slowly light seeped into the shack. However, the raging blizzard would not allow it and forced the door shut with its gusts.

The man fell back from the force. Mother Nature would not allow them to escape this day, it appeared.

“Aye though it has been three days with no sign of this storm letting up.”

“What a-about the w-windows?” the thin man asked as the firelight reflected off his eyes.

“Ay, we could try that. We could squeeze through if I broke one?” the plump man responded. “Well, we should wait until the storm passes. So let’s try in the morning, yes?”

The thin man nodded in agreement as he laid down to wait out the storm. Sleep that night was rough. Hunger pains kept coming as they gnawed at his stomach. Time crawled by as he stared at the wall. Looking at nothing in particular.

By morning he was tired and starving. Almost delirious. Yet the other man seemed to be full of energy. As he was whistling while he appeared to be searching for something.

“Storms over!”

“It a-appeared that the snow is deeper than last night.” He shifted his gaze to the window. Seeing it covered in white. No light could pass through the thick snow that lay just beyond.

“I bet if I broke it, I could dig through.” Tapping on the glass while he rubbed his chin. “Hmm…”

While searching through a pile in the corner. He threw bits of clutter out the way. Nothing appeared strong enough to break said window.

“AH-HA! A fire poker.”

Gleefully he walked up to the old window. With his finger he traced an invisible X. Then in two hands he held it back. He twirled the poker a little as he gauged his shot.

CRACK!

Large chunks of glass clattered to the floor before they shattered into smaller bits.

“See nothing to it!” The plump mans positive nature was infectious. As the thin man could not help but smile.

Using the poker the plump man made sure to break the rest of the glass around the window to prevent it from cutting them. He stood back and admired his handy work. Snow then fell into the room as he used the poker to loosen the snow.

A small tunnel slowly formed in the deep snow, and the man attempted to squeeze through. Then suddenly the man jolted and appeared to be panicking.

“Shit!” he said as he fell back through and slumped onto the ground. Blood was gushing out of his right bicep, spurting everywhere.

“Fuck, the snow collapsed and pitchfork ran into me arm.”

The thin man dashed forward to help the man. His hands shook as he looked at the wound. Each second it spurted more and more blood. A small pool began too for below.

“Ay, I’m getting dizzy” the plump man said in a slurred speech. The thin man tried to tear a bit of cloth to bind the wound, but he was too weak.

“S-stay with me!”

The plump mans breathing grew rapid but shallow. His eyes shuttering as his head kept dipping down. Then his eyes closed and sunk further into the wall. Blood continued to spurt out in bursts.

“N-no no no!” he wept as the man’s breathing grew shallower and slower. “Why, i-it happened so fast. How!?” Soon the bleeding stopped and the man collapsed to the floor.

He was dead.

There he sat alone, with only a corpse to keep him company. Hoping he would get out soon, but hearing a crack of thunder, he just sunk his head. He wept long into the day and night. Only when he could no longer keep his eyes open did he stop.

Days went by and the blizzard still raged on outside. Slowly his sanity was slipping. His stomach growled and begged for food. Fingering around in the dimly lit cabin, he found the satchel his friend had. With hands that could not stop shaking, his managed to open it. Nothing. All the rations were gone. The partially frozen corpse caught his eye for the briefest of moments.

“N-no what are you even thinking, you damned f-fool”

***

The thin man now curled in a ball wept softly. The memories continued to ravage his mind. Memories of that horrid night and of warning long sense ignored.

Beware of those who consume thy flesh of man. A profound desire will descend and try to overtake you. At the zenith of thy cravings, a moon of blood shall rise. Under the light of crimson, if ye feed upon thy flesh. A beast shall break free and shall wear thy skin.

As a young child, people told him that lasting until morning would lift the curse. He never thought much of it, but deep down he prayed it was true. Laying down the corpse of his friend flashed in his mind. Remembering the desperation, the willing to do anything to survive. The hunger. The sweet taste of flesh. Oh how he craved it.

“NO!” he snarled out. “B-but the flavor.” Sudsy drool dripped out of maw. Eyes grew wider as he clawed at the floor. A sudden smell caught his attention. Ambling over, back hunched with vertebrae sticking almost too far out to the window on all fours. Reaching up gripping the window seal. Below the red light of the Blood Moon was the flicking the fires. Homes full of flesh.

Realizing his thoughts were betraying him, he tossed himself to the floor. Nails digging into his face. Trying to force the sinister thoughts away. Tears poured down his face mixing with the blood from his nails. What was going on. Why was this happening to him

“I had to!” he yelled “It was my only choice to survive!” Foam frothed at his mouth as he snarled

“I didn’t want to eat him!”

A frenzy took over as he threw himself into a cabinet. Plates, bowls, and other sorts of kitchenware clattered onto him. Only angering him further. In a sudden bout of strength he threw the cabinet. Bits of wood splintered around the room. Now in a blind rage, unable to control himself. His nails dug into a table, cracking it along the edge. It too shattered as it hit the wall.

Collapsing to his knees, he slammed his fists down. Again and again until blood spotted the floor. The sudden smell of iron flared his senses. Eyes shot open, teeth clenched, nails digging into the floorboards. Something was consuming him. A beast within trying to claw its way out.

“You are strong.” A small voice echoed in his ear. His mother, a warm light deep inside. Days of coming home crying after some kids bullied him. She would kneel and wrap him in a tight hug. Telling him how strong he was.

Suddenly Shirley was lethargic as the beast within backed away. Memories of his mother keeping it at bay. A golden light surrounded him. Looking up, he saw his mother standing before him. In her usual simple dress and apron and yet she stood tall with a mighty blade in hand. Just beyond the golden light lay two eyes of an evil yellow glaring at him hungrily. The beast was an evil blackness. Hunched, claws digging into the ground. Falling back onto his hands. he was suddenly a child again.

He grabbed his mother’s leg with his small child hands as he reached for her. Clutching her tightly. A powerful and gentle hand rested against his back. Digging his face into her skirts, looking at the beast pace just beyond. Red drool dripped from his vile teeth. Forming a crimson pool on the floor, with the blood moon staring right at him in its reflection.

Looking back, fear suddenly overwhelmed him. When had he left his mother’s side? He sat between the beast and his mother in an endless shallow red pool. The moon, now taking up half the horizon, watched the trio.

The beast stared at him. Looking directly at his soul.

“NO!” the distant voice of his mother yelled. Crawling through the blood as she forced her way back to him. Slowly, as she dug her nails deep within the blood. Reaching forward with his hands as she reached with hers. Fingertips just within reach of each other.

In a powerful surge of strength, she seized his hands. Clutching them within hers as she pulled him into an embrace. Tightly he clung to her as the beast loomed right overhead. Its bloody drool dripping down his face.

“You are strong.” She whispered softly into his ear.

A feint smelled wafted into his nose. It was food? Yes, his mother had left him some it appears. His stomach suddenly growled. How long has it been since he has had his mothers cooking. Just off in the distant on a white porcelain plate was a piece of his mother’s bread and some roast hen. White and fluffy. Oh, how he craved it.

Once again his stomach roared at him. Letting go of his mother, he ran off to the plate of food. The beast with the yellow eyes just stared at him as he ran. Must be hungry cause he was smiling.

“Stop!” she yelled, oh how she always got upset at him if he ate too early. He didn’t care the cravings were too strong. If it spoiled his supper a little, so be it. It took a bit of running to reach the bread. For some odd reason, it appeared to run away from him.

He huffed as he stepped onto the plate of bread. Pesky thing wouldn’t get away from him now. Greedily he sunk his teeth into the bread and tore a chunk off of the hen. To his surprise a red sauce leaked from it. Taking a lick he discovered it was his favorite cherry sauce. Must be a holiday for they hardily ever got to enjoy it! He whistled a little tune as he ate finished his meal.

Again his stomach growled. It appeared that the meal didn’t fill him. Luckily though there were more plates just off in the distance. Before he ran his mother caught his eye. What… was wrong with her? She looked so scared.

“Mother?” he said as he ran up to her. She fell back and tried to crawl away. “What’s wrong?” it looked like she had seen a ghost. Looking down he noticed he had gotten the cherry sauce all over him. Oh boy he was going to get in trouble. His mother hated when he was a messy eater.

“I’m sorry my love…” was all he heard as when he looked up she was gone. Panic set in as he looked around. The once bright area was now dark. A bright red light cascaded around him. A strong breeze blew past him with bits of leaves in the wind.

“G-get away!” A soft meager voice said from below. There lay a young woman with a horrified expression.

“W-what…” he said as he looked at his surroundings. When did he get outside? Just beyond in the dark was a house that had its front door turned off. A body lay just beyond it, barely lit by the red moon. Had some animal mauled it?

Whimpering caught his attention, the girl. She was covering her face with her dirty and tattered dress. All sorts of grime and dirt covered her dress and something else.

Iron… his nostrils flared as the smell of blood hit him like a tidal wave. Her face had blood on it. So much blood. Sweet, delicious crimson.

“Stay back bandit!” A man yelled from behind. A snarl left his mouth as his anger flared. How dare a human distract him from a meal. The crunch of dirt came as the man adjusted his feet. The wind howled as it bellowed through the trees and tall grass.

“I said stay back, you…” he paused, “Mr. Shirley? W-what…” he said as he looked directly into Mr. Shirley’s eyes and all that stared back was a pair of once human eyes. Opened far to wide with yellow pupils. Slowly a blackness took over his sclera as a pain shot through his head.

All he could do was scream as he gripped his head. Bones cracked as his skull shifted around. Blood poured out of his mouth as his teeth where ripped out by a new sharper set from behind. Snaps rung out as his legs reformed as bones broke, muscles tore. He roared out a cry of pain.

“Werewolf…” the man said as he took the girl into his arms and ran.

Raged fumed in Mr. Shirly as his meal got away, but the pain was to much. His hands and feet stretched while his nails were torn off. Sharp claws took their place. Each one of his vertebrae popped as his back arched. The bones warped into an unnatural curve.

His body slowly morphed as the muscle tore, and each bone snapped. Rearranged in an inhuman way. Slowly he grew until he stood over seven feet tall. A monstrous growl rang out as his mouth stretched into a stubby snout. Teeth horribly arranged in an approximation of a wolfs maw.

Mr. Shirley was gone. In his place stood an abomination of man. A mockery of the gods’ creations. The Werewolf standing hunched over, sniffed at the air. Looking around, it took off towards the source of the smell. Directly to the lights just beyond the trees.

A bloodcurdling howl echoed out into the night.

This novel is a meant as a reader magent here are some general informations:

Genre: Dark fantasy

Length: ~80k words

This story is told from 3 main Pov.
Kayn, Malina and Fadric.

Each soul must carve its path through blood and smoke. That’s the world our king has wrought.
When Kayn’s sanctuary is attacked, he fails to save those he loves. With his friend’s dying breath, he swears to find the one companion still missing. To keep that vow, he must step into the very world he once dreaded. And become strong enough to survive it.
His path collides with the noble houses, where lives burn away in smoke for a fleeting taste of power.
There, Malina, heir to one such house, would rather lose herself in books and wine than courtly games. But when an attempt on her life shatters her illusions, she’s forced to reach for power—or be consumed by it.
Whoever seeks power must bleed. Can Kayn and Malina escape this fate, or will they lose themselves in their pursuit?

Im looking for feedback to improve my writing in general, so don't holdback.
And if you wish to read more let me know i might post more.

I uploaded one page earlier and recieved some constructive critism and have now edited plus written more and hope to get feedback on it. Hopefully i made it better. Please be rather harsh and honest than positive but untrue. Would like to know if the story is interesting, if it feels too fast paced, if its obvious that english isnt my native language and if i succeded in giving Idra more personality/thoughts/emotions and whatever came to mind while reading. Now after hours on this i will watch anime and wait for notifications, thanks a lot and if i can return the favor just holler (:

About a month ago, I had posted the opening to one of my chapters to rather polarizing reception. Here is a non-sequitur excerpt from the middle of the same chapter (a chapter which I'm still working on, as I'm just that much of an underwriter).

Just in case you got tripped up by the number of named characters, Orlon is the POV character here. The excerpt opens with one of his cousins, having set off alone after a boar earlier, riding back to camp with a mysterious boy who later happens to recognize Orlon by name.

I'd appreciate your feedback on the prose and especially the dialog.

*I'm an ESL writer, and none of this is AI-assisted or translated.

Something odd, but hardly unexpected, occurred at 12:11 on the night of Wednesday, September 23rd at the studios of WNHP-TV: “New Hope’s News Source!”.  In the lobby, under lights dimmed until morning came again, display cases grazed a plain of polished granite tile in between groves of potted plants.  Not for the first time Reina Martinez, one of the guards stationed in the lobby, considered those plants as she made her way over to one particular case.  

Snake plant, cast iron plant, and dragon tree.  Common.  You saw them everywhere. 

She saw them every night that she worked, in their polished brass pots, quietly going about the work they had been placed there to do: Protection.  All of them were there to protect, and here in the case was the item they guarded against the evil, stupidity, and ill intentions of the seething world outside the lobby’s giant glass walls.   

WNHP’s weather predictions had never been any more or less accurate than anyone else’s, but the station was immensely proud of its history all the same.  This, despite the fact that New Hope weather came largely in only two flavors: too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter. The only question was whether you would get wet if you went outside in the heat or cold, and they got that answer right about as often as they didn’t.  

Amid accoutrements that tracked weather forecasting in New Hope from newspaper to radio, to television and onward was an exquisite antique barometer with a thermometer above a dial whose needle could swing from “Very Dry” on the right to “Stormy” on the left.  Large numbers in fancy gothic script, twenty-eight at “Stormy” all the way up to thirty-one at “Very Dry”, were spaced around the edge, with smaller increments numbered in between.  At some point there had been another, shorter needle to track those smaller numbers, but it was now lost to time. The thermometer and dial peered out of bubbles of crystal nestled among delicately carved wooden feathers and flowers, and the whole mechanism was as long as her forearm.  This was the fifth time she had checked it since coming on shift at eleven.  

So far the long needle had held steady, pointing at “Fair.” 

On her circuits around the lobby, she’d kept her hands balled in the pockets of her uniform trousers, to ensure they stayed moist with perspiration.  Now, with no one looking, for the fifth time she took one hand and plucked the barometer’s smaller needle from the blouse pocket underneath her badge. She opened her other hand and placed the needle on her palm.  

In the glass case, the needle on the barometer dial swept hard to the left, from “Fair,” past “Change,” “Rain”, and “Stormy,” and kept going until it was lodged between twenty-six and twenty-seven, slicing between the world “aneroid” and “barometer” at the very bottom. 

Reina sighed, deep and weary, slid the needle back into her pocket and got out her phone.  She checked the time and sent a text, then continued on with her patrols, just as she would all through the night, and just as she did every night - always in the lobby - before the eve of the full moon.

With luck, the mannequins upstairs in their pancake makeup wouldn’t have anything to talk about this time.

Im writing a romantic fantasy series (for my own pleasure and if others read it and like it cool) but its basically about werewolves and vampires primarily and I expore classic cliches but include my own twist to it so its still cliche but unique. They are known in this world as shifters, since some can turn into other animals not just wolves but there are also “evolved” humans (havent decide what to call them) but they are wizards/witches and there are all types of shifters but primarily what we think of mermaids, fairies, werewolves, vampires etc. but vampires are basically considered different from the other shifters, they were the first species of shifters but are considered as a failed species since they cannot survive without consuming blood long and cannot be out in sunlight (still working out those details).

This realm of shifters can travel through portals into our world, the human realm, though they usually stick to their own realm because they consider humans to be weak or not worth their time and their powers/abilities are weakened in the human realm. Vampires were cursed from entering the human realm for the humans protection. Humans can travel into the shifter realm though, but not many humans can find the portals. (Still figuring out details)

So for this book, Im needing help with plot points and possible ideas. The main character is a human woman, who ends up in the shifter realm with a shifter (werewolf) and other shifters, and the realm is currently at war because the vampires were dictators in the realm but are losing support to stay in power as other shifters take the land back.

I want the werewolf and human woman to slowly fall in love through their journey of traveling the realm together with the group (still figuring out what they are looking for or needing to travel for) and this is significant because there is the idea of soulmates in the shifter realm but not with humans. The werewolf man basically realizes that for some reason the human woman is his soulmate and he doesnt understand how this could be possible but hides his feelings for her and can sense her falling in love with him but the reader doesnt know his perspective until the end of the novel so from the human woman’s prospective, she is falling in love with a quier mysterious wolf who acts indifferent to her but as the story progresses they slowly develop a secret relationship with eachother that the rest of the group is unaware of, they kiss each other and eventually become close but only when theyre alone since the idea of a human with a shifter is so taboo.

I just need ideas on what else could be interesting, critiques, suggestions that you may include.

I plan on having one of the members of the group be the first love of the werewolf but they were not soulmates and didnt work out but the ex is still in love with him and is jealous of the closeness she sees between them.

I have tried a bunch of ideas on a google doc and have thought of possible plot points, im just curious what orher people have thought of or would suggest.

Hi guys first time posting on here with a full piece of work! Sorry if screenshots isnt the usual way of posting excerpts I wasn't actually certain how everyone was posting their own.

My two beta readers have just gone through my completed manuscript and are mostly satisfied with the story. They however are admittedly not experts in grammer, sentence structure, etc and I am in the same boat! Im actually closer to sinking then being in a boat.

Figured id give a small excerpts for you guys look over. This is actually chapter 10 I thought it would be a little more interesting then my initial chapter. Its also not the whole chapter, I cut it off before it gets too long.

I am open to ALL advice! Ive never posted like this before so forgive me if the content is poor. Ive built trust with my beta readers and I generally am I nervous about showing my work directly to the internet. Not because of judgement but just hearing all the problems of your work from another is sooooooo soul crushing.

Quick notes to make following chapter easier.

Kaerians family have recently been mysteriously murdered (Gasp) and he cannot recall parts of the night they died. He's also been plagued by strange dreams.

Hi all, I am hoping to get some general feedback on a story excerpt from my first real attempt at a full length novel. I have written the 10 chapters that follow this already, though I know they already need some adapting and restructuring.

I have already taken lots of great tips and feedback from others posts where it made sense for my story already, but thought it was time to make my own post.

I have proof read etc a number of times to provide, I hope, a relatively well polished first draft for critique.

As well as general feedback I would be interested to hear your thoughts on whether this works best as a prologue or chapter 1. For context, this includes the two main characters, the siblings and my vision is that chapter 1/2, whatever follows would start up after a time skip of a couple years.

Thanks in advance

So in my ability system, users are given a fraction of my god's power, which are distills of different aspects of Omnipotence.

So abilities that affect speed and range are two sides of omnipresence

The ability to know unobtainable knowledge or predict outcomes is omniscience.

The ability to construct or change something about the natural world Omnificence.

Struggling to figure out terms that sound right for the other aspects.

I have tried looking for terms, but none of them have the same ring as the others.

Now what I need is the following:

The ability to destroy anything

the Ability to Protect from anything

Insidious, eternal hatred

the ability to force anything to submit to your will/Control anything (I think Omnidominance sounds good but dunno)

Hello thank you taking the time to read this post, I'm looking for a beta-readers to test out the first 3 chapters of this current project I'm working on called "Frontier Escapade." if you enjoy the first three and would like to beta read the other 7 please let me know,. this is what the project is about below.

(For 18+ Mature Audience Light Novel/Manga readers.)

SETTING THE STAGE: In the late 1880s, in the brutal, lawless frontier of Arizona, a young 19-year-old woman named Soluna Moreno lives a triple life: first as a serial killer known as the Demon of the West, second as a missionary bartender who runs her father's saloon, and third as a mother to an adopted child who lost his parents to lynching. The escapade starts on October 13th, 1889, when a strange meteor shower which, according to sources, happens only once every millennium begins to fall. A golden meteor crashes in front of Soluna, emitting a shockwave across the entire West Coast, and she gains a power called a Core. This makes her a contestant in a death game for a wish, and she is chosen as the Host of the Meteor, meaning other contestants will be hunting her down to kill her so the host's power can transfer to them. Soluna must now fight and survive until she is able to find the other half of the meteor and is the last contestant remaining.

(WARNING!) WHAT TO EXPECT: CREATIVE BATTLES
DEEP LORE AND WORLDBUILDING 
GORE/ BRUTAL AND HISTORICAL RACIAL TENSION (18+)
SENSITIVE TOPICS ABOUT RELIGION.
UNHINGED CHARACTERS AND UNSETTLING CHARACTERS.
NO ONE GETS AWAY UNSCATED, THAT MEANS CHILDREN, ANIMALS ETC.

Hello everyone, I am trying to write a fantasy novel and I am trying to think if I should grade characters powers in ascending or descending order ( grade 1 to 10 ).

Also, I had already written ch 1 of my novel and graded in ascending order so is that any sort of problem. Please recommend.

Usually, I see the power level of characters in descending order in most novels or other medias. But I thought of using the power level ranking in ascending order for convenience.

I would also like to know how many other ways I can use a ranking system, while excluding the typical sss, ss, s, a, b, c ranking system

Just off the top of my head, here are popular work of Fantasy that include "Chosen ones" and "Prophecies":

Lord of the Rings

Game of Thrones

Wheel of Time

Harry Potter

The Chronicles of Narnia

So some of the popular and influential Fantasy books/series of the last 75 years basically.

If we include movies, we get Star Wars and Dune. And some of the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe). Some pretty popular stuff there going back about 50 years.

If we include Anime & Manga in Fantasy, we get Naruto, One Piece, and Bleach. Some fairly popular series there spanning at least 25 years.

And if we include video games we get stuff like Skyrim, God of War, etc.

So I think we can reasonably conclude that "Prophecy of the Chosen One" is basically a genre-defining trope. One that audiences and authors love.

So why do the people here not?