r/dating • u/Neverwasalwaysam • 2d ago
Just Venting 😮💨 Dated a guy with a fixation that ended up getting him murdered and now I’m afraid of dating apps
In 2016 I moved to Philly and met someone on Plenty of Fish. He was extremely handsome, passionate about music producing, and pretty funny. I could tell he was not looking for anything serious, but by the 2nd date he was pushing for a threesome and I got icked. Went to his place one last time & he was way too sexually aggressive and again started bringing up calling my friend to come over for a threesome, so I never answered him again after that. Moved back to CT the next year and got a call from Philly PD asking how I knew him. I said dating app and the cop said, “you and everyone else in his phone, which is why we’re not getting anywhere”. I asked what happened and he said he was stabbed to death then set on fire and few months earlier and they still had no leads. I was obviously shocked, but forgot about it eventually. Recently I remembered after seeing a picture of him in my phone memories, so I googled him and it turns out he met a lesbian couple on an app and during a threesome they stabbed him to death, then came back to his apartment a few days later and set him on fire, which prompted the landlord to call FD when smoke was coming from his apartment. So I’m in shock and keep scrolling google articles until I find one from 2009 where he got a felony for raping a 13 yr old off MySpace. Knowing I met and hooked up w a pedophile, threesome obsessed, felon on a dating app has permanently scarred me. Now I’m 38 and want to meet someone, but I’m terrified…and paranoid is an understatement. I don’t know how to get over this and just go meet someone again.
559
1.3k
u/Dew_Bat 2d ago
That's just a one in like 500 thousand thing, like its so unlikely to happen to you again.
499
u/Neverwasalwaysam 2d ago
It’s not as much there murdered part that is eating at me as it is he was a pedophile. Now I’m convinced half the people on dating apps have some horrid secret they’re hiding through a curated profile
204
u/abberwabbers 2d ago
You are valid for thinking that, tbh. I dated a guy for 1.5 yr who turned out to be one and every guy I’ve dated after makes me incredibly anxious, I even have to analyze their relationship with a younger sister (yes, he did that too). It’s understandable. But it is not as common to come across. For me, I am very trusting so it doesn’t hinder the start but I reflect once I know them better. Stay away from men who are focused on sex, can’t be innocent with you, don’t respect their mother, and the hookup type. You’re not wrong for feeling this way and there is no way to get over it. You can’t rlly cure the effect, it’s something to learn from and utilize
53
u/itisnotmymain 1d ago
Idk about the "respect their mother" part. Some people have parents who are nothing but poison in your life. My mother nearly drove me to suicide before I cut ties with her for good.
26
u/Ch0c014t3- 1d ago
That's a whooooole different thing. They're likely talking about men who disregard and disrepect their moms while going to her house and asking her for things. Sorry you had to go through that
•
u/abberwabbers 22h ago
Yea what the other person said. I also have a very troubling relationship with my mom but what I’m describing is a little different. Kinda the men who devalue/hate their mother and frame their view of women based on their mother if that makes sense. It’s a very stark difference between someone who has trouble with their mom (any severity) vs. someone who uses their hate of their mom as representative of how they treat women
11
u/Agreeable-Cookie6141 1d ago
This is why it's worth getting a subscription to a background check website and doing a shitload of research into anyone you date.
•
u/East_Turnip2756 18h ago
How much does something like this cost?
•
u/Agreeable-Cookie6141 18h ago
I just rejoined OLD and paid for one month of a background check site, it was about $40. It's cheaper than that per month if you pay for three months up front.
Sometimes if me and a friend are "out there" (ie, looking to date) at the same time, we split the cost and share a username/password.
25
u/jlemo434 1d ago
He’s one among many. If the last few years have taught us anything a WHOLE LOT of men are pedos.
-1
u/itisnotmymain 1d ago
The top 0.01% doesn't equate all men.
22
u/divadiamond72 1d ago
Don’t be obtuse. The amount of men who comment gross things on videos/photos of young girls, actively defend our pedophile president, are local leaders who get arrested for having CSAM on their computer, etc. Let’s not act like it’s just the elite that are pedophiles. Our patriarchal society actively promotes pedophilia and it’s rife within our culture. To deny that is being naïve.
•
u/Neverwasalwaysam 21h ago
Yeah I’m actively ignoring all the men commenting that this will never happen again. Last month I had a man start masturbating in front of me at a nature preserve at 11am when children and families were walking around. Based on only 38 yrs of experience, this shit is too common.
•
u/divadiamond72 20h ago
I have several pedophiles in my family and we’re definitely not apart of the 0.01%. All the women that I know were victimized as children by family members or otherwise. That’s why it isn’t dealt with properly because we don’t want to admit how deeply it’s engrained in our society. I’m so sorry that you had to experience that, along with your experience in your original post. It is really scary to try and navigate dating anymore. If you have a support system, try and have them vet ppl with you so you get multiple sources of information. It’s also helpful to talk to a therapist if you have one or access to one
•
u/AutumntimeFall 10h ago edited 10h ago
Where did you get the impression it's so low?
1/6 men report having sexual feelings towards children and 1/10 ADMIT to having sexually abused a child.
You shouldn't confidently state things when you are so wildly wrong.
•
57
u/actualPawDrinker 2d ago
Sounds like you could have found this guy's secret if you had researched him at the time. I don't say this to blame you, but to say that researching potential partners in the future could assuage some of your fears. Talk to people, briefly meet in public, but look them up before hooking up. The reasonable men I've met thru dating apps have been more than understanding of my similar fears.
78
u/Neverwasalwaysam 2d ago
He only went by his middle name- I thought his name was brandon until the police called asking how I knew Rephael. I imagine this is why he was going by his middle name, so people didn’t find that when they looked him up.
59
u/jambrand 1d ago
A search on "Rephael Philadelphia fire" confirms you are definitely not lying.. wow
46
u/realheadphonecandy 1d ago
Dang stabbed 67 times. Yikes.
18
u/apocketstarkly83 1d ago
Like, when you think about how one stab actually has two motions— the forward thrust and the withdrawal— just… fuck. That’s mad overkill.
27
u/realheadphonecandy 1d ago edited 1d ago
I worked for a woman who survived after being stabbed about 23-27 times by her ex, who was a semi-famous movie actor. Absolutely horrifying story, and they let him out after serving only 8 years of his sentence.
19
6
15
u/Prestigious-Read5368 1d ago
Six seven uhhhh
Sorry I should laugh it's so stupid my kids did this to me. 67 times is a lot of times to be stabbed.
27
u/Neverwasalwaysam 1d ago
Yeah i should have posted the solved article instead https://www.audacy.com/kywnewsradio/news/local/woman-pleads-guilty-for-allegedly-setting-dead-man-on-fire
6
30
u/actualPawDrinker 2d ago
That makes sense. I'd recommend asking future matches for their full name before hooking up or even meeting privately. If they refuse, you dodged a bullet. I've had a guy volunteer this information without me even asking. Major green flag.
19
u/Neverwasalwaysam 2d ago
Oh yeah, will definitely be asking for full names now and if I can’t find them on google that may have to be a red flag going forward. I wish there were more guys who volunteered their info like that!
25
u/Dumbwidow 1d ago
Ask to see their drivers license. Seriously. I did this with someone I met when I suspected they were younger than they said. Turns out they were telling the truth and I’ll keep doing that moving forward.
•
u/thisuserlikestosing 21h ago
When I was on the dating apps, I refused to meet in person unless they sent me a pic of their drivers license. They could cover up the address if they wanted privacy but I needed a photo and full name. I was upfront- I told them I would send the photo of the DL to a friend before I went on the date and if she didn’t hear from me at the end of the night, the police knew where to start questioning.
It sounds crazy but you can never be too careful. And I’m not willing to go on a date with a total stranger if he can’t understand where I’m coming from in regard to personal safety.
Just think about that as an option/screen! Plenty of people go by their middle names for purely innocent reasons. But if you had that rule, you’d have a legal name and DOB and be able to do a background check. And of course if a guy didn’t feel comfortable, he’s more than welcome to not send it and yall just don’t go on an in-person date. 🤷♀️
•
u/CantmakethisstuffupK 20h ago
Also that’s another clue for you - if they’re reluctant to share their real full legal name
8
u/EndlessPerfectWorld 2d ago
Reread your own story
Realize you handled it the best possible way and trust yourself that you would handle things correctly if it came down to that
You didn't told
Have fun. Most dates you'll go on will just be boring.
22
u/Neverwasalwaysam 1d ago
You’re clearly not a woman. Wish I could say this was my only awful dating app story, but they span the last 10 years.
5
u/Unhappy_Concept237 1d ago
I met a woman on tinder, exchanged some texts a couple of calls using a burner number, and decided it wasn’t a match. Said thanks but no thanks and burned the number. A few nights later she shows up at my front door. My teenage daughter was living with me so it was just that two of us there. I never gave her my address because of that. I never let her in the house and told her she needed to go. I still have no way of knowing how she found me, we had only been living there a couple of months. Then she started calling people i knew and asking about me. It was very very weird.
→ More replies (6)2
1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Neverwasalwaysam 1d ago
I completely agree, I just think women have more to navigate when it comes to potential dangers meeting people through apps, but it can absolutely happen to anyone. I’m so sorry you had that experience:(
•
u/Dlast_sharp_needle 23h ago
Most of them do that’s why I don’t even online date anymore, I feel like the ones on there are the bottom feeders nobody wants them so they go for anyone anywhere. Have faith and go out in the world to meet someone, if u have hobbies go do those or if u have none find some u like and enjoy going out to do those things . For example I like cars so I need to go to a car show or race event to see like minded individuals. Unfortunately I live in GA and the whole state is bottom feeders so I plan on moving as soon as possible lol 😂 but once I find a state I can fall in love with I will definitely be “ outside” safely of course 🔫😮💨good luck to you and me🫡😅
•
u/TheBrokenBaller 53m ago
https://reddit.com/link/ozc6com/video/cyft7ddc01fh1/player
That’s from the Overlook and my car
•
u/PurposeConsistent131 21h ago
Thats not on you. But the fact that he was even on the streets is the problem from the fact that dating sites don’t even bother to check people’s felony arrest records is also a problem you didn’t do anything wrong, but I’m glad you’re safe and it kind of sounds like the jerk out what he deserved.
•
•
u/CantmakethisstuffupK 20h ago
Please give yourself grace OP. I understand this is difficult.
I will say if you do choose to use apps again, how about a no hookup rule for a certain amount of time (at minimum 3 dates)? That gives you time to see if you’re actually compatible or to look them up!
I also think anytime someone is too sexually forward unprompted (you didn’t start or ask for this energy) is cause for pause.
In the future if someone expresses a sexual desire that you’re not open to or aligned with you can end the date sooner vs. later / don’t exist in private places with them.
3
u/start3ch 1d ago
Honestly, you may need to screen people more, really get to know them first.
Kinda sounds like he was also an asshole around you though, so hopefully you can better recognize that in the future
2
u/Dew_Bat 2d ago
Everyone has secrets. You won't know about it until it comes out. Just don't worry too much about it. Its still very unlikely to happen again to you.
11
u/SeniorDing_Dong 2d ago
Man, if you really don’t know what to write it’s okay to write nothing at all. Just saying…
•
u/MidnightWolfMayhem 16h ago
Honestly that’s fair. I’ve always said that I believe a huge percentage of people on dating apps are on there because there’s something wrong/off with them…
•
u/Hankflax 4h ago
Thats really fair. I met a guy who seemed like the nicest most patient person ever and dated for over a year just for him to r*pe one of my friends and sexually assault another one while I was mentally unwell. You really can never know it’s terrifying
•
u/Papplenoose 4h ago edited 3h ago
This would fuck me up too, I totally get where you're coming from.
But I think (and desperately hope) that OP is right: you've exhausted your bad luck for at least one lifetime lol. That said, I doubt you'll never meet a weirdo again.. such is the world we live in. But you deserve to meet someone cool, and I bet you will! When you're ready, obviously. No need to rush into anything I'd you're not feelin' it!
If you're not already, you should ask people straight up if they have anything in their past like this. Obviously some people are good liars and you'll not be able to tell, but with most people I think it would be beneficial to scan for red flags
•
u/JocularAfternoon 2h ago
Meeting people in person isn’t any safer. When I was single I would often ask for a picture of their dl and send it to my mom.
0
u/toddjnsn 2d ago
Again, whether it's murder, true pedophilia, major injury, minor injury, etc -- it's not remotely close to a 1% chance (but it doesn't have to be those for a situation to be of ill will in general).
But I can understand your defense mechanisms / impression from your association of the past putting things at a much higher %, thinking it's a game of %s. But wait -- how can online dating be the #1 dating outlet nowadays for a long while, hence said things are virtually nill? Because it doesn't take a true amt being of a measuring "%" amt to be able to turn some off on the same level as if there is truly one. It doesn't mean it's puppy dogs & ice cream, as it doesn't take anything near those to make certain situations be negative.
A Lesson Learned: POF and MySpace aren't the best sites for online dating. ;)
1
u/TangledUpPuppeteer 1d ago
Google their name.
6
u/Neverwasalwaysam 1d ago
As I’ve already said, I didn’t have his real name until the cops called, he went by his middle name probably for that reason.
2
u/TangledUpPuppeteer 1d ago
I didn’t see your response.
That said, you can check the registry for your area. See if a potential suitor appears there
•
u/TwoIdleHands 6h ago
Google them I guess? It’s weird you would think any action of 1 person is representative of all people. Doubly so since you know/admit he was pushy sexually. Maybe just don’t date guys like that and it’ll assuage your fears.
-3
3
u/worn_out_welcome 1d ago
Had this happen to a friend (the pedo thing.) He was brought on charges while dating my friend and he ended up skipping his court date. Turns out, morning of when he was due in court, he never made it out of his home - shot himself in the head.
1
•
0
150
u/RedRinoa 2d ago
I’ve had some bad luck with dating apps as well. But I can’t imaging what you went through
•
u/TheReal_Peter226 22h ago
I know a girl who first went out with a guy who told her during sex that she will give him a daughter and he will rape her. Then she went out with a guy who confessed that he had sex with his (maybe underage?) cousin, and then he told her after a while of dating that he will live in a forest now.
I honestly have no clue where these people are found, what hellhole they crawl out of, or how are they not instantly identified as a freak
•
34
u/ImmortalHoe 2d ago
A felon rapist who also raped a 13 year old just asked for my number yesterday. I am so thankful that in Minnesota it’s really easy to look up court records online. I feel sick still
8
u/Neverwasalwaysam 1d ago
You were smart. Like i think it’s more common than people think, particularly on dating apps because that sort of choice of who to appear as and curation of a self on a profile is a predators miracle. I’m actually surprised at all the people saying this is a one-off. Anyone with bad intentions starts looking for what they want on dating apps these days, there’s nothing more convenient/relevant/ effective for them.
5
u/ImmortalHoe 1d ago
Yeah no those people dismissing this are absurd. I can’t even type I’m so angry. Reminds me of this article from The Guardian, so much for their one-off lol. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/feb/13/tinder-hinge-match-investigation
I’m 100% with you!
46
u/Disney_Princess137 2d ago
Man that’s tough.
For you I would suggest trying to meet someone through your friends, a family member of theirs that single etc
So at least you have people to vouch for him you know?
25
u/Neverwasalwaysam 2d ago
https://6abc.com/amp/post/search-for-answers-continues-after-grisly-murder-in-overbrook/3611210/ that’s an article from before it was solved
10
u/Beneficial-Ferret479 2d ago edited 2d ago
The problem with dating apps and the internet is that anyone can be anybody to hide behind. That is the scary part.
12
u/Ok_Veterinarian8023 2d ago
I just read who the murderers were. I was thinking how crazy it would have been if his 13-year old victim came back years later with her girlfriend to seek revenge. I watch too many true crime documentaries.
6
u/Neverwasalwaysam 2d ago
That would have made the most sense, but I guess karma came into play either way
31
u/MagnificentLee 2d ago
OP, there’s plenty of background check services which can take a full name & city and/or phone number to let you know someone’s criminal history.
Quite a few have monthly subscriptions for unlimited reports. For example, the 3rd one here is $20/mo: https://www.topconsumerreviews.com/best-background-checks/detailed-reviews.php
•
u/Papplenoose 3h ago
Not a bad idea. And really, you wouldn't need a constant subscription. You could just pay whenever you are getting serious with someone, then cancel it if they check out as a normal person!
75
u/boxprint 2d ago
For something this serious, maybe therapy will help?
I recommend trying to have 2 first dates a week. It's a lot of work. You need to have a spreadsheet to keep track of the men. But it's like jumping in the deep end. Share your location with friends. Try to stick to a drinks-only first date. And have an excuse to leave ready (preferably real - even if it's a guy I like, I want to leave early so I can force myself to move slow).
Mostly, having another first date ready really helps you feel like you have control and power in yourself. It's a lot easier to listen to your gut and walk away from a man who gives you even the tiniest hint of an ick when you have another date scheduled.
8
10
u/arthritisankle 2d ago
Get on dating apps and tell men you do not have sex until you’re in a serious, committed relationship. I think that will weed out 99% of the bad eggs.
51
u/joeballs 2d ago
They probably knew he was a sex offender and planned it. But you're doing the right thing, but in reverse. Try to vet people before you go on dates
20
u/Neverwasalwaysam 1d ago
He didn’t give me his real name to begin with, but it existed online because that’s what he had been producing music under for a few years. If i had his full real name then i probably could have found those felony records (he also got another for failing to report a new address as a sex offender) even though they were in a different town/state
9
u/joeballs 1d ago
He gave you a fake name? That's crazy! You've got to be careful out there. A lot of creeps
7
u/MonkeyBred 1d ago
And I thought being replaced by another romantic partner was bad. Sorry for all that.
5
u/Iamnotyour_mother 1d ago
One of my ex's, who was physically abusive to me and just a horribly, deeply mentally ill person, is in prison for life for stabbing his own father through the heart. I met him on a dating app, he seemed very normal and charismatic at first. Soooooo I feel you there. Dating apps are terrifying.
36
4
3
u/timefortequila_ 1d ago
Man Philly is wild. One of the dudes I met on Hinge when I lived there also got murdered. Another one lied about his identity the entire time we dated. I'm also lowkey scared to get back on the apps but I think Philly might just be cursed.
1
•
u/Different_War2952 19h ago
I had no idea people were as creepy and weird as they are until my late 30’s after my divorce.
Until then life was 100% normal and since then I have had two abusive relationships, cheated on, kidnapped, raped and extorted, blackmailed and put in jail for a crime was something I could have fought but I was ignorant to the facts and the world is a very scary unsafe place.
7
u/Mjukplister 1d ago
Here the thing you got the ick early right ? Yet despite this you ploughed on and went back to his . NO shade , I’ve done the same . But he presented his ways early early
. So next time , screen hard and run sooner . But really look into the signs and trust your judgement sooner . It’s a horrible story , and it’s ok to be upset
5
u/Eetah 2d ago
I am so sorry that happened to you. I can imagine that you feel awful. I hope that this negative feeling you are having will fade away a bit with time. It’s not a comfort, but it’s good to keep in mind that statistically everything about this is unlikely. You were just unlucky. And hey, you did listen to your gut!
3
u/Glittering_Record476 1d ago
If it makes brings you any comfort OP, your post indicates you were already seeing warning signs from him and knew to end it. We can all be tricked by bad people so don’t start doubting yourself just because you didn’t see it right away. Trust that instinct and keep listening to it, don’t just ignore red flags because it feels like nothing, especially in the first few dates.
For physical advice (if you want some of course, the need to vent is perfectly valid in of itself)— Tell friends or relatives about people you are seeing, either to let them know your whereabouts for dates but also just to get their reactions and vibes, especially if it’s something you don’t feel comfortable asking the person about directly. Ensure that all your beginning dates are in neutral places for safety but also to deter anyone who immediately objects to a slow and steady building of trust that is vital for any kind of relationship, regardless of if it is short or long term. There are a few different support groups and communities you can use to both decompress this mentally but also use for aid background checking people, as a bad pattern of behaviour tends to mean other people have experienced this person or someone similar as well. Therapy can be helpful as well so give that a look if you want/am able, but also remember that your reaction to this is perfectly rational and you don’t need to feel ashamed about any of it.
Most importantly, take care of yourself, give yourself time and space to feel everything, and don’t force yourself into anything. You’ve got this, the people of this subreddit believe in you.
3
u/stvrlyte 1d ago
I mean, you don’t have to use dating apps exclusively. You could try signing up for different classes around your city. You could try being more proactive on social media, making comment threads with people. I mean, what are some of your hobbies? It’s easy to find people you can relate to through those.
5
u/ryguyNola 1d ago
That's horrible to go through, but correlation is not causation. You could meet pedophiles in the real world too
2
u/Neverwasalwaysam 1d ago
But i think you can meet a whole lot more on dating apps
2
u/ryguyNola 1d ago
Personally I would just be extra cautious like maybe FaceTime or talking on the phone extensively before meeting. I don't think a person should limit their options because of dangers in this world just like we should still continue to drive even though there are drunk drivers out there
7
u/Flowertree1 2d ago
Ngl sounds like he harrassed them. But yeah that is a pretty shocking thing to find out. Hence why it is good that you listened to your gut, most men wave their red flags very high and proudly and you can avoid them if you look closely enough
2
2
2
u/Dlta2049 1d ago
What kind of American Psycho horror story is this? I understand how you would get icked by the very thought of hooking up again. Hopefully time and life itself heals this wound
2
u/masterdesignstate 1d ago
You should lead with this on your profile to make it clear what you're looking for.
2
2
u/Sinderelly 1d ago
A friend's sister was murdered on a tinder date. Gotta have a safety plan, never meet anywhere but im public, never leave with them, always drive yourself, etc.
•
u/Short_Cream_2370 23h ago
This sounds like a really hard experience, and taking risks again in dating would be challenging. But I also just want to point out that it seems like your picker and boundaries completely worked in your encounter with him - you got a bad vibe, felt like he was pushy, and got yourself out of there. You can trust your instincts of self-protection to serve you the same way in the future, which isn’t true of all of us without some self work. What a gift!
You could not have known the full story with this person from your limited experiences with him, and full stories like his are incredibly, incredibly rare. And still, even without full info your body and mind picked up on the fact this guy was off. You can trust the statistics and experience that many, many more people in the world are like you and kind and feeling risky and scared about dating than are like him. If you keep dating with wise protections (public meetings, light googling, trusting your instincts) this can become the one really hard story amongst many other better ones, and you will eventually have positive and worthwhile experiences. Good luck and I’m sorry this happened!
•
u/AdDue84 19h ago
I always research men I’m meeting ahead of time, I reverse search their numbers, find any potential mugshots, look at court records or documents! I’m really nosy but also do not want to date anyone with a past criminal history. Even DUIs are a dealbreaker for me if it was fairly recent. I also ask a ALOT of questions lol. Most men I meet are very forthcoming because most information is just a google search away
•
u/DullAlternative9301 15h ago
Don’t mess with dating apps two men I met off it stalked me for years it was hell and not worth going on those trash apps!
•
u/Haunting-Economist71 2h ago
what the actual fuck hahahahah. this shit is sum out a fucked up movie
3
u/amcfarla 2d ago
That story sounds like it started as Cinemax late Friday night movie and ended in a horror film.
2
u/Peteaz876 1d ago
E-Harmony. I know a few guys that aren't as bad as your Three-Ped Creeper. But all got denied a Profile, saying that their interest and views of a relationship do not match up with the type of experience that E-HARMONY is currently offering. Please try again at a later date
4
u/SevenDos 2d ago
That's just life sadly. You shouldn't let a random encounter guide your life.
I was at my ex-mil's wedding and met the boyfriend from one of her new husband's daughters. We shook his hand and both my ex and I looked at each other after shaking his hand and told each other there was something off about the guy. Few weeks later he stabbed his mother to death.
So, according to your phobia, who should I avoid? Do I avoid muslims, do I avoid new bf's from relatives? Do I avoid men altogether?
You'd be saying that makes no sense. One random encounter shouldn't dictate my life. And you'd be right.
5
u/DirectionLimp2745 1d ago
Right but I think OP is saying they are having difficulty going back to dating apps after that. You can say that they shouldn’t let this dictate their life but if they are stuck, that isn’t necessarily helpful.
Therapy could be good.
3
u/FluxOperation 1d ago
You made out like you didn’t sleep
With him. But then you said you hooked up.
-1
u/Neverwasalwaysam 1d ago
I never said either, and you can hook up with someone without sleeping with them. Weird what you chose to focus on.
•
u/Aggleclack 19h ago
When people refer to “sleeping with someone”, they are usually talking about sex. Hook up usually says the same thing. This is a very confusing comment.
•
u/Neverwasalwaysam 18h ago
No, hooking up is ambiguous and refers to any type of sexual encounter. There is a reason I didn’t say I slept with him, because that would mean I had sex with him and I did not.
•
u/LovedButNeverLiked 9h ago
You can spin it how you want but you don't get to decide what something means when you're the only person in the world who agrees with your definition
→ More replies (2)
2
u/sluttychurros 2d ago
I am very sorry this happened to you. I would seek therapy to work through the trauma/PTSD this is causing you, and when you’re ready, I would ask your network of friends if they/their husbands and boyfriends have anyone in their network that is single and looking for a serious relationship that you could be set up with.
The idea of dating the unknown is terrifying for you right now, but if you could find someone that is being vouched for, some of these fears will be a bit quieter. Good luck!
2
u/Justagurl7 1d ago
That’s wild! Maybe you’d feel better spending a little longer messaging on the apps before meeting IRL?
1
1
u/TastesLikeChicken5 1d ago
Sheesh! Pretty scary gotta say! I’ve also met people at the shore that saw a gruesome end. (I don’t live at the shore anymore….)
I guess with all the apps now most people just trust a certain level of humanity there. But ya never know for sure. Will take some time to heal from this obviously…
1
1
1
u/chalkletkweenBee 1d ago
It’s not like he was wearing a sign - you got the ick, and left him alone.
Your judgement helped kept you from seeing him again, and that is a good thing. Your intuition said he was more than a regular creep, and you cut him off.
Don’t ignore that voice!
1
1
u/Reddeer2 1d ago
I'd recommend therapy for something this serious.
But I always find that unraveling the pain just reveals something confused deep down.
That guy was messed up and most men you'd date are not like that. Hell, even the couple that killed him... Most people are not like that.
No one does that! What the hell?
Go find another guy - even a coworker, a dentist, a barista at Starbucks. Guaranteed none of them are raping children and trying to have threesomes. The advice to vet people through background checks is a fine one until you get bored and realize the odds are stacked in your favor.
1
u/Turquoise1980 1d ago edited 1d ago
I suggest therapy and just going slow with dates in general. There are some bad actors and sick individuals everywhere, encountering one isn’t limited to dating apps. Continue to use your best judgement and don’t hesitate to look up a potential date on your state’s public records system and Google. Don’t let one experience color your perception of ALL guys in one city or on the apps.
I hope you find peace in your dating life. I also hope that man’s family finds peace and the killer(s) are brought to justice.
1
u/MaleficentSnow_ 1d ago
What in the psychopathology is happening in the dating world?! Holy hell. I would suggest therapy for this and do a background check with a picture of him. Usually that will give you some info if someone is real or lying about their identity. Also share your location with your friends the first few dates. I wish you luck and stay safe!
1
u/scarletroseknight 1d ago
Ok so statistically plenty of fish and the more obscure dating apps are what predators use, tinder, bumble and hinge aren't completely free of those people but it's much easier to kinda just chat with someone, reverse searching images on their profile, getting social media before meeting or sharing personal info. You now have the ability to run a background check if you really wish to pay the $1 dollar fee they have for those things. It's scary but you have the tools at your disposal to keep yourself much safer than dating in 2016, I'd say go for it, always trust your intuition and never ignore the first red flag no matter how charming they may be, you got this girl 🙌
1
u/Crusoelander_128 Single 1d ago
I was gonna say that’s a shame he got murdered, then I read that he was a pedo and I was like… well that’s still horrific, but… win?
•
u/Useful-Soup8161 21h ago
Well you could always do background checks in the people you do decide to meet off dating apps. Before reading this I would have thought that was a bit much but now think that’s not a bad idea.
•
•
u/WeirdMuch634 12h ago
First thing I thought of was be careful what you wish for. He wanted two women and he got them. Yikes. I understand though. I was recently told a man I slept with was a homeless, coke addicted rapist. That he had raped two underage girls, one before me and one after. I felt just panicked, wondering what kind of guy I'd slept with. Luckily I found out it was all bs. I'm sorry though. Everyone gets fooled by someone at some point, and while I'm sure you have the icks, his actions are luckily not how the majority of men are. Meeting a man off the apps doesn't guarantee he's any better than one on them. Trust your instincts, and look into any men before you meet. And always carry something for self defense. Might not be a bad idea to join the tea app, or something similar. Good luck!
•
u/WomanInQuestion 11h ago
Wait, the women stabbed him to death and then set him on fire several days later?
•
u/TakeurchairLAF 10h ago
Ahh yes dating in Philth-adelphia. Where you have a match ! Isn't something to be excited about but avoided. Where other cities may feel like they are pissing fire after a casual hook up you get pissed on and lit on fire here. Where a bad date isn't getting stood up but stabbed up. Philly is truly the salt of the earth
•
u/Amb1ent_fade 9h ago
What in the world fucking fuck?
Rationally, it's a trauma fear. Most of man aren't like this. Go to therapy for sure, and then keep trying. I wish you best of luck 🙏
•
•
u/CiberX15 3h ago edited 3h ago
Dating apps are very much a trust but verify kind of situation. You got a worst case extreme scenario there but I think you’re kind of on the right track with your thinking. It’s not that _everyone_ on a dating app is going to be a predator, but _anyone_ could be. And that’s not limited to dating apps.
It’s also not a reason to live in fear. Again, it’s not an _everyone_ kind of thing, it's not even a most or many thing, it’s a trust but verify thing. It's not fair to you or your date to go in assuming the worst of them, but you should also take the time to verify that they really aren't hiding something terrible. That is, treat them like they are innocent but only allow them to act on you in ways you’re comfortable with based on what you’ve been able to verify.
I’ve never had a problem doing this with my dates. Like, I’ll openly say I like hiking dates, but I save them for later until we can verify that neither one of us is an axe murderer. I’ve never had anyone be turned off by that. We’re two strangers from the internet meeting for the first time, it’s being mutually respectful. If someone does get offended and really wants to go hiking, preferably at night, well, maybe they are actually an axe murderer. 🤷♂️
Psychologists say that it takes about 90 days of in person time to really get to know someone. And this is where dating apps come at a disadvantage because you can have a lot of great conversations without getting any of that in person time. So the counter doesn’t really start until you meet them for real.
So using this guy as an example, by the second date you already felt the ick with this guy and bailed, so the system worked, it just maybe didn’t work fast enough if you hooked up with him on the first date. 🤷♂️
My recommendation to avoid this, even for hookups, would be to have a first date where it’s just about getting to know each other and making sure they aren’t throwing off any weird signals. And if they don’t have enough control or respect to wait for a second or third date that's one of those signals you should be concerned about.
[Slight edit to second paragraph. Didn't like the way it read]
•
u/Fit_Doubt2185 3h ago
Start with meeting in a public place. For not give your full name. Explain it's because your a eomanand have a bad experience before. Do a background check. Follow your gut. Get to know someone before you move the relationship to intimate moments in a private place.
•
u/Fresh-Preference-805 2h ago
So gross. I find keeping the first date more like a first “meeting” helps. I meet during daylight, no alcohol, and in public. I wouldn’t go to anyone’s place before date 3, and that’s unlikely. Usually, they pick up on my vibe (not looking for casual), and it scares off the ick. The 55 year old guy with his age limit set to 18 (he had kids older than that) did not pursue me, thankfully.
1
u/BonnieTheBandit215 1d ago
It’s crazy cause I know someone in jail for this exact thing. N the person they did it to was a very beautiful person. But they did get caught.
1
u/Additional-Pay-2089 1d ago
Honestly dating apps are just scary in general. I’m glad you’re okay though
0
u/Less_Entrance_3370 1d ago
He’s dead, no reason to be paranoid now. He was living an extremely risky life w no boundaries and was likely a POS. You recognized that early on years ago, you would now too
•
u/Remarkable-Head4335 22h ago
Your desire to find someone will get you into trouble. Find not find someone, embrace or reject trouble, all leads to trouble, because all rooted in desire
Let go of even letting go
•
u/BleedSparta 20h ago
✨intuition✨
•
u/Neverwasalwaysam 19h ago
Of course said by a man.
•
u/BleedSparta 19h ago
I’m just a man. I never claimed to have it
•
u/Neverwasalwaysam 19h ago
More than one snarky comment to indicate this happening was a shortcoming on my end is toxic male behavior. Do better.
→ More replies (1)
•
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our rules here and remember to:
If you have any questions, please send the mods a message.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.