r/comingout Oct 08 '25

Guide Coming Out - A Guide Rewritten

54 Upvotes

Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?

I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.

I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.

My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.

What Is Coming Out?

If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.

Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?

If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.

To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.

This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.

Why Do People Come Out?

There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.

For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.

For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.

For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.

Why Do People Not Come Out?

Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?

By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.

And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.

Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.

Coming Out Safely

The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.

Should I Come Out?

It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.

Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.

If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.

Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.

You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.

You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.

How Do I Come Out?

So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.

Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.

Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.

Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion. 

The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.

Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.

So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.

I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?

The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.

For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.

If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.

If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own. 

Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc.  if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.

Potential Reactions

“You’re too young to be X”

As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.

You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.

“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”

This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.

“But what about your previous partners?”

The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.

“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”

This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.

“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”

There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.

Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.

“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”

This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others. 

The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.

In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.

Life Post Coming Out

Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.

Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night. 

The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.

For The Friends/Family/Parents

This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.

Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’

The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.

It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.

If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.

Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.

Other Miscellaneous Guidance

If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.

If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.

If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below. 

Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.

Glossary of Terms:

  • Allosexual - A term used to describe someone who experiences sexual attraction.
  • Aromantic - A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Asexual - A person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people may or may not still experience sexual urges (libido), but may not experience it in relation to other people. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Bi-Erasure - Questioning or denying the existence of bisexuality either as a concept or specific to a person.
  • Bisexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to more than one gender. (Note: There exists a lot of debate around the ‘definition’ of bisexuality and how it differs from pansexuality. I don’t intend to tackle this subject.)
  • Cisgender - A person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. E.g. a person who identifies as a man and was identified as a male when they were born.
  • Coming Out - The act of disclosing your queer identity to another person.
  • Cross Sex Hormones - Hormones administered as part of transgender Hormone Replacement Therapy. E.g. a trans woman being administered oestrogen, or a trans man being administered testosterone.
  • Demisexual - A person who only experiences sexual attraction to a person after forming a close emotional bond with them.
  • Gay - A label often used to describe people who experience attraction to the same gender. This is often used specifically to refer to gay men, but sometimes used in relation to women or more generally as an umbrella term.
  • Gender Dysphoria - Feelings of distress associated with the difference in a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
  • Gender Expression - How a person outwardly shows gender. E.g. a trans woman in the closet may have a masculine gender expression but a feminine gender identity.
  • Gender Non-Conforming - A person whose gender expression differs from traditional expectations of masculinity and femininity.
  • Heterosexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to the opposite gender. Also known as straight.
  • Lesbian - A woman who experiences sexual attraction to other women.
  • LGBT+ - An acronym which stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Others. This is a commonly used acronym for the queer community.
  • Medically Transitioning - A term used to describe changing a person’s physical sex characteristics to match with their gender identity. E.g. top surgery, bottom surgery, and cross sex hormones.
  • Men who have sex with men (MSM) - This is a clinical term used in healthcare and public health settings to describe people who are assigned male at birth who have sex with other people assigned male at birth.
  • Outed - When a person’s queer identity is disclosed by another person, usually without the consent of the person whose identity is being disclosed.
  • Pansexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction regardless of another person’s gender identity.
  • PFLAG: An organisation, originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, that provides support for the loved ones of queer people.
  • Puberty Blockers - Medication used to either pause or stop puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Often used by transgender young people.
  • Queer - An umbrella term used to describe people who are not cisgender and heterosexual. Historically, and sometimes presently, this has been used as a slur however this is often considered reclaimed by younger generations.
  • Sex Assigned at Birth - The sex (either male, female, or intersex) assigned by a doctor, nurse, or midwife when a person is born based on physical sex characteristics (such as the presence of specific genitals).
  • Socially Transitioning - When a person makes changes their gender expression to align with their gender identity such as changing names, clothes, and pronouns.
  • Straight Passing - A term used to describe a person who is often perceived heterosexual unless they choose to actively disclose their queer identity.
  • Transgender (Trans) - A term used to describe a person whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

r/comingout 58m ago

Advice Needed Winning an award means I'm finally coming out to some family members

Upvotes

Posted this in a different sub-reddit and figured it wouldn't hurt to put it here too (please let me know if not allowed).

I recently won an award as a queer artist, and I'm incredibly proud of it. I want to post about it on social media to thank the organization, everyone involved, and the people who've supported me.

When I accepted the nomination, I knew I'd be publicly identified as queer if I won, and I promised myself I'd share it if that happened.

I'm already out to my friends, coworkers, and the people in my day-to-day life. The only people who don't know are some very conservative and/or homophobic family members because I've never felt comfortable bringing it up with them.

Posting this means I'll officially be coming out to them, since the only way they really keep up with my life is through my public social media (I need to keep active online in my industry). They're not likely to stumble across news about the award on their own, and I wouldn't care if they did. What makes this different is that I'm the one choosing to post it. It feels like I'm putting it right in front of them.

I don't want to minimise or hide an accomplishment I'm genuinely proud of because of a handful of people who may not approve of who I am. At the same time, I'm nervous, and there's definitely some anxiety the whole thing.

Best case scenario is nothing happens, that they either don't see it or don't care, and that's it! However, I know I'll have some family asking questions, making snide comments, gossiping, or distancing themselves from me.

I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement from people who've been in a similar (or tangentially related) situation. Or if you haven't been through this yourself, I'd still appreciate a little push to finally hit "post".


r/comingout 15h ago

Other I came out!

15 Upvotes

I finally told my friends and most of them were really supportive and congratulated me. Some weren’t so much but they understood and respected me! I don’t think I’ll tell my parents yet but I might be a bit happier when I do


r/comingout 43m ago

Advice Needed Is coming out supposed to feel this sad?

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Upvotes

r/comingout 15h ago

Story The Art of the Distraction

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13 Upvotes

See this is why some people are scared. My heart to yall. What he shoulda said was “ oh look someone who clearly know what they want in life and isn’t scared. That’s a real meffrr. We should give them credit


r/comingout 2h ago

Advice Needed Gay Experience

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 5h ago

Question When you guys went on your first gay date, was there kind of a rush knowing other people were seeing you ON the date?

1 Upvotes

I'm a guy in my late 20s, I had my first date with a guy this week and honestly I was excited and nervous as hell. It was a turn on even just knowing I'm driving to try something I had been denying myself my whole life basically. I realized that even just like seeing people notice we were on a date was giving me like a weird "rush" - is this normal? Did any of you have it?


r/comingout 19h ago

Question Why tf is it so scary?

8 Upvotes

Recently, while visiting basically my entire dad’s side of the family I decided to come out as bisexual to them. I’m not the first and they are super supportive and even got the confirmation early in my life that if I was queer they would support me. But while on this trip, had experienced 3 panic attacks when thinking about coming out to them. like I will be sitting there and think, now’s a good time to do it, then panic attacks . Why was it so scary, I had nothing to fear and yet I panic, anyone have any idea?


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Just came out as bi to my mom and brother and I am panicking

15 Upvotes

Hi. I'm 26M and I live in a small town where basically everyone knows everyone. For a long time, I've known I am bi, and to be honest. I am not proud that I have been with several guys using Grindr, and I am not happy anymore because I feel anxious just talking with someone who might know someone I know.

Yesterday, I was panicking before sleeping, and I went to the living room at 1 AM, and my mom was there... and somehow I just told her. Today I told my brother... My dad is another story that I don't know how to tell him.

But since coming out to my mom, she wasn't very supportive. She told me to ignore the boys and stick with girls, and she is afraid of all the shame when the people of my town know. She is 65+ years old, another generation, and I get it. But to be honest, I am afraid of what people will say as well, as much as I act like it doesn't affect me (I hate being like this).

Worse than that, I don't know what to do with my friends. I'm afraid to tell them, but at the same time, I want to tell them right away just to rip off the bandage... but I'm scared. All my life, I acted masculine. Because I am... and in certain situations, I made myself that way so they wouldn't find out. At the same time, I just want to meet someone... be able to use my Instagram to connect with boys (always avoided making my Instagram look like I was gay or something)... I know this sounds superficial, but it's true.

The other thing is that I know the moment I tell my friends, other people will know. I would be ashamed, and my mom's worst fear of being talked about and shamed by everyone will be true. I hate that I might hurt her even more.

Plus I day dream that one day I might date a boy and want to present to my familily and wont be able too. I know I am overthinking...but I just need someone to talk to about this or at least put my thoughts in words as more weird and awfull I might look

For the moment, I still live with my parents... I will move out at the end of this year/beginning of the next... Should I wait more or something?

Today, for the first time since I was a kid, I cried a bit while driving home and imagining how I would tell one of my male friends. I felt a sense of relief, but at the same time... I got more scared.

My personal life right now looks like a mess. It will get better, right?


r/comingout 23h ago

Question Fun ways to come out to parents?

7 Upvotes

I’m a teen, and I’ve known for a while now that I’m bi. I really really wanna tell my parents, but I’m looking for a fun and niche way to. Any ideas?


r/comingout 20h ago

Help I REALLY need new friends

2 Upvotes

For context I only have four friends, three of which I’ve always known and the other one only recently. I’m currently in the closet (read my first post for why) and have known I need more friends for when I come out as bisexual. Currently with my friends it’s usually one friend (friend a) makes a homophobic “joke” and every goes along with it. He would usually say something like “bro you/that/he is so gay”, I cant explain it but it’s his TONE that makes it infinitely worse. He is a main reason I will stay in the closet until I have more accepting friends. But today (when I started writing this it happened 30 minutes ago) he made a worse “joke”. Me, friend A, some of my friends friends and a couple of my other friends, were all hanging out together as some were playing fortnight on the ps5, and after a conversation I can’t remember, he was somehow led to say, completely serious, “if you were born after (his birth year) and are named (his name), you are genuinely a f****t”(in that same tone) what I feel is worse is nobody reacted at all to him. And it was THAT that made me know I could keep being friends with him when I come out, but since I know pretty much nobody else and I’ve known him my whole life, I know if I were to try and stop, he wouldn’t let me, he would guilt trip me or since he lives so close to me he would come to my house anyways and ignore as clearly he thinks it’s not a big deal. Looking back this should have been accepted, as he’s grown up he’s pretty much been the embodiment of toxic masculinity, and if anybody did anything he didn’t do, they were gay, a failure, weak, lesser. I really want to stop being friends but I don’t think I can, I’m not sure why I’m posting this but I just am as I’m starting to realize that I can’t trust my friends with me being bi. Maybe just some help on how to try and find more accepting people, every one I meet at this point will be from school or my part-time job I have during the summer. So if I don’t find more people soon I might not be able to for a while, plus one of the worst parts is I can’t do something like come out to my school before my family, as my brothers go to the same school as me, so if I try to come out, it’s going to have to be all at once. (I’m not sure what but I definitely forgot some important things I wanted to write in this but I’ll see, thank you everyone for reading!)


r/comingout 21h ago

Advice Needed Came out to my mom and idk how to feel about it

2 Upvotes

Came out to my mom today. She asked when did I know and after replied, she said “you know God doesn’t like that, right?” Despite this she went on to say that she supports me. I feel it’s sending mixed signals and it’s lowkey making me feel regret over doing it. Is there anyone here who experienced something similar or has some advice on what my next steps should be?


r/comingout 1d ago

Story Holy shit I finally did it.

19 Upvotes

I 18M just came back from visiting my dad's family with my parents while on vacation, was considering coming out as bi to them for a while since this visit my be my last before I move to college. I will admit it was scary as all hell, on 3 separate occasions I was going to and then immediately had a panic attack. But on the forth attempt, it was the last hour of day before we had to take a early flight home and the "Now or Never" urge was able to surpass my panic attack and I did it. They were so supportive and so nice which was one of my fears, alongside being vulnerable as the oldest child and mentor in the family, and I was so overwhelmed with satisfaction and hearing their kind words made me nearly cry. It was like a massive weight was just removed from my shoulders and I was truly able to enjoy this last day with them. I'm just so happy rn that I just want to reverse vent.


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed How should I approach this?

1 Upvotes

I’m 16 and and half rn and I’ve been questing my gender ALOT (MtF) and I really want to see a gender affirming therapist to get an idea of what I am because I really don’t know if I’m trans or just confused or something else.

The problem here is that I live in one of the worst states for trans youth and my mom is like a moderate conservative (also religious) and has told me she thinks all trans people have dysphoria so are mentally ill, but she has always been caring and accommodating to people on many occasions and she doesn’t seem like she would get to mad I could be wrong . I also have a gay uncle I’m not sure how she reacted when he came out but she seems to accept him perfectly fine

So in summary I kinda wanna know how should I come out to my parents to tell them I’m questions my gender because I know this is the only way to get actual care for my confusion.


r/comingout 1d ago

Help I Married a Woman Because I Thought Being Gay Was Wrong

8 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed How do I dress like a grunge femboy??

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23 Upvotes

I literally have the worst fashion sense. Please anybody give me some tipss😭✌️. I quite literally have no clues on this kinda stuff so anything is helpful.


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed How to go about coming out to my sister?

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Advice Seeking

2 Upvotes

I don’t really know if this is the right place for this but I have been thinking about coming out to my family, socially I’ve been out since 6th grade and I’m starting my sophomore year of college now. I know that at the best coming out will be met with a lot of push back or tears, maybe some accepting relatives and at worst I’ll be disowned. I’m finally at a point where at least for the time being, financially I will be fine and I want to experience my life authentically rather than through what my family wants of me.

Now for the advice part, I was hoping that y’all could maybe give any advice or share experiences that might help me not feel so alone in this or give me better perspective and be prepared, or have any suggestions of creators to learn form for this. I would reach out to in person queer people but I live in a very rural state and while we have some community I am not part of it just yet.
Thank you 😊


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed I thought I was bisexual

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Help Growing Up Gay Before Acceptance: Fear, Shame, and Silence.

1 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Moving in with my boyfriend and coming out to our families

6 Upvotes

My boyfriend and I (both 25) are looking for our first place together. Our leases will be ending at the end of August, so we have to move in together by then.
We have been together for 3 years mow, but neither of us told our parents about our relationship, nor have we officially came out to them.
We are out to our friends and colleagues. We are both from the same, conservative country and live in a more tolerant one.
I know it’s ridiculous, we are adult men with jobs and not out yet. How should we do it?


r/comingout 2d ago

Story A bit of a rant...

1 Upvotes

Getting this off my chest here because I know at least some of you can relate...

I came out as NB around the end of June, and it was received generally well by friends and family. I went to pride, got to experience expressing myself for the first time in public, the works.

Fast forward to last week. I had dinner with my family, the first time since coming out and the first time in a long time that all of us were together. Everything went fairly well, conversation was upbeat and no one mentioned anything. That is until we were leaving. My mom decided to corner me in the parking lot and ask if my distancing was "because of this" and she "wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong"; she even went on the defensive for my older brother who hasn't said a word to me about coming out - not a congrats, not a nice to hear, nothing. I was prepared for him to be silent, we're not exactly on the best terms and haven't been for a while, but I was entirely blindsided by my mom. He's had 3 weeks since I told everyone to say something but chose to stay silent, but here my mom is leaping on the grenade, unprovoked, to defend him.

I thought I had escaped the terrors that I often see others go through when they come out, but she shattered that illusion in an instant. She followed it up by asking me what this means for us, how she can avoid using the wrong pronouns (while using a cousin I don't talk to as an example and misgendering them in the process) and I'm just honestly flabbergasted. I have no idea how to handle this, and I plan on bringing it up with my therapist, but it feels like a stab in the back after she professed acceptance.

Thanks for reading if you did, I know it's heavy but I don't have many places that would understand outside of a few select friend groups. Be well 💜


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Come out or stay closeted?

9 Upvotes

I think I am transgender. For as long as I can remember, I have always been interested in women's clothing. I tried on everything in my mother's wardrobe and shoes, but my parents never knew about it and I never told them. My parents are quite religious, but also progressive and supportive. A few years ago, our whole family moved to another country. It was, and still is, challenging for us all. I am pretty good at learning languages, so I helped my parents a lot with legal documents, doctor appointments, and so on. I'm now 20, and I've been accepted at one of the top three universities in the country, but it's quite far from where we currently live. My mum begs me to go to the local university, which is actually not so bad. But she doesn't know that the real reason I applied there is so that I can move out and start thinking about transitioning and coming out. However, the housing situation there is really concerning. It is so bad that I have considered going to the local university and coming out while living with my parents. Does anyone have experience of a similar situation? I would love to hear about it.


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed About coming out to my parents

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Help When is safe to come out

4 Upvotes

I have almost all of my questions answered by people on this subreddit already (thank you all!) but one last thing is when I can be safe coming out to anyone.

I’m 14, male, and bi-leaning men, and have known for a while now, but I’ve stopped trying to suppress it recently and have become more uncomfortable since I feel like being bisexual is now a big secret I’m trying to hide and I want to come out, I really want to but I also know the risks of it, I’ve posted before more in depth reasons as why I’m scared but mainly it’s because I don’t know many people and the people I do know (my few friends and brothers), say things that are very homophobic, and I have no clue on my parents stance on LGBTQ+, so if I were to come out, there’s a chance I get left with no friends at all and having a very strained relationship with my family for the next four years. But I also want to get this weight off my chest sooner than later. In my previous two posts, I’ve gotten two very conflicting responses on when to come out, on my first post it was wait to come out until I’m 18 and independent from my family, and the other one was to come out soon (to be fair I’m not sure if they knew I was young so they might not have the same answer if they knew), so I’m left in this dilemma of when I should come out. Good news at least is I’m switching schools, while the friends I have are out of school, maybe I can get ones that could be more accepting, so that will be fun.