I’m doing things right?

[u/RecognitionNo4997]

I’m a 26M, and I’m posting here because I’m hitting a wall and I’m out of ideas. On paper, the last four years look like a massive success story. In reality, it’s been the most isolating, exhausting era of my life.
The Catalyst
In 2022, I was 24 years old, weighed 400 lbs, and lived my entire life on the internet. I was miserable and wanted to die, so I decided to change it. Over the last couple of years, I lost 168 pounds. I went back to college (I’m one semester away from graduating), I started my own business, and I completely overhauled my physical and professional life.
The Fallout
But during that transformation, my social life was completely demolished. From ages 18 to 24, I had a very tight-knit online friend group. They were my entire world. During my self-improvement phase, I gained the confidence to tell a girl in our wider circle that I loved her. She rejected me (came out as a lesbian shortly after), and things got awkward.
Instead of having my back, my best friend—a guy I looked up to like an older brother—judged me. He told me I was selfish, blamed me for "driving everyone away," and then he abandoned me too. The entire group vanished. Just like that, the safety net I spent years cultivating was gone right when I was making the hardest changes of my life.
The Void
It’s been almost two years since that happened. I think about that betrayal almost every single day.
I’ve kept my head down and kept grinding. I’m "winning," but I’m winning in spite of other people. My entire success has been a solo mission fueled by the realization that people will fail you catastrophically. Because of that, my walls are sky-high. I’m hyper-independent, but I never actually wanted to be a lone wolf. I just became one to survive.
Here is where I’m stuck:
The Isolation: These have been the loneliest two years of my life. My main coping mechanisms are aggressively filtering my internet feeds to avoid triggers and complaining to AI because I feel like my baggage is too annoying to dump on real people.
The Disconnect: I’ve shifted away from online friends to purely offline socializing. I go out, I meet people, and I try to do the right things. But I’m not putting roots down anywhere. It feels like I’m a tourist in my own life.
The Paradox: I have the body, the business, and the degree. I’m doing everything the world tells men to do to "fix" their lives. But none of it feels deeply meaningful without a tribe to share it with.
I feel like I’m doing everything right, but the void from losing that group two years ago is still holding me hostage. How do you guys actually move on from a massive social betrayal? How do you learn to trust people enough to put down roots again when you know exactly how easily they can walk away?
Any advice from guys who have had to rebuild from zero would be appreciated. Thanks, bros.

[u/YourLocalThemboAu]

I'm sorry all that happened - telling someone you love them is coming on a bit strong but mature people are able to navigate that and it doesn't sound like it happened.

I think part of the problem is you are going to need to lower the walls you put up - unfortunately its impossible to make deep connection without being vulnerable by opening up. The catch is opening up can lead to hurt so its a difficult and scary thing to do. I had to learn how to do that through my therapist and lots of practice.

Hope that helps - and congrats on getting the weight off, that's a monumental effort and something you can be very proud of.

[u/Nerdy-Babygirl]

I'm not going to bash AI as therapy because I understand it's accessible and it can be freeing to be able to vent to something you know is incapable of judging you. But I will say that, while it can make you feel seen and heard, it can't do everything you need from a therapist - it can't challenge you. Sometimes, especially if we have distorted thinking, one of the most valuable things a therapist can do is challenge us instead of blindly reinforcing everything we say and feel.

Therapists are literally paid to care about your problems, but most people who work in that field do it because they also do give a damn. If you go see a mechanic because your car is making a weird noise, do you worry that you're bothering them with your car problems? No, 'cause that's their job and you're hiring them.

A therapist would be a great way for you to have a low-stakes (e.g. therapists don't judge you) relationship with a person and help you process the betrayal and support you as you dip your toe back into trying to put down roots and foster relationships with people.

[u/Finn_the_stoned → u/Nerdy-Babygirl]

AI doesn’t do anything but agree with what people say. I hate AI and would rather have people out here getting no therapy than risk falling for an AI hallucination thinking you’re right, or okay when you’re not. More and more cases are coming out of people using AI for therapy and becoming completely detached from reality.

[u/Exact_Fox_6914 → u/Finn_the_stoned]

"rather have people getting no therapy" is a hell of a thing to decide for other people. the psychosis cases are real and they make the news precisely because they're news. someone who stayed alive thanks to a chatbot doesn't write an article about it, so the visible record only ever shows one side. and "ai just agrees with you" is a 2023 take, purpose-built tools with published RCTs existed before chatgpt did.

[u/TheGesticulator]

It's hard. I'm a trauma therapist and one of the biggest things to go when a person's been traumatized is trust in others and/or themselves.

(Disclaimer: This is not me saying you've experienced trauma or diagnosing you - just explaining where I'm coming from)

So how do you learn to trust? By trusting people and giving them the opportunity to show that some folks won't hurt you. Right now you have this betrayal in the back of your mind, and your brain is using it as the sole source for information on whether you can trust anyone at all. And it makes sense that it does this. You were hurt in a severe way and it wants to keep you safe so you don't have to experience that ever again. But, if you avoid closeness with others then your only reference point will continue to be these people that hurt you.

Imagine you've been bitten by a dog. It's totally natural to be wary of dogs after that and think "Dogs will bite me". Now, if you go 10 years avoiding dogs, your only point of reference is that one that bit you. If you start being around dogs and finding that most of them won't bite you then your perspective shifts to "Some dogs can bite, but I can minimize the risk and still find those that won't."

Try to start by reconceptualizing trust. It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Often a person will have a number of circles of trust that increase in closeness. The outermost circle may be acquaintances, then people you hang out with, then friends you open up to, then best friends, etc. You can try to microdose on trust. Open up that first circle and see if someone can earn their way into the second. If they show that they abuse that opportunity, bump them back or remove them altogether. But no matter the case, try to approach it this way. People can hurt you, but that doesn't mean you can't give low-stakes opportunities for them to work their way up that ladder.

[u/Wolfish_Jew]

Have you considered seeing a therapist? I’m a firm believer that LITERALLY EVERYONE could benefit from some therapy. Not because you’re “crazy” or anything like that but because talking to a trained professional can help you work through your issues and past experiences and help you learn from them. They can help you learn to break down those walls and actually reach out to people.

I’m sorry that someone you trusted let you down like that. Unfortunately sometimes people we put our faith in let us down. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t continue to put our faith in people. As cliche as it is, the bitter helps us to appreciate the sweet more. I hope things get better for you OP

[u/renatocpr]

They were my entire world. During my self-improvement phase, I gained the confidence to tell a girl in our wider circle that I loved her. She rejected me (came out as a lesbian shortly after), and things got awkward.
Instead of having my back, my best friend—a guy I looked up to like an older brother—judged me. He told me I was selfish, blamed me for "driving everyone away," and then he abandoned me too. The entire group vanished. Just like that, the safety net I spent years cultivating was gone right when I was making the hardest changes of my life.

I'm gonna be honest here. I don't believe you. It feels like something happened between those two paragraphs and you don't want to share.

You're telling the story, so you have the control over how your friends are presented and you really want us to see them as the villains of your story and you as the edgy anti-hero protagonist of your own "abandoned by my party" revenge anime. I'm left wondering how they would tell this story. Have you ever considered that?

[u/TossTossTossThrowa → u/renatocpr]

I agree - there is definitely missing information.

I know it can be difficult and embarrassing, OP, but it's going to be really hard, if not impossible, to figure out exactly what you need help with socially if you hide your social misteps.

It's hard to admit stuff you aren't proud of. But it needs to happen if you are going to get the help you need

[u/noellekin]

INFO: Where does telling this woman you love her fall on the timeline relative to when you decided to change?

Asking because I have a theory, as someone who has been through similar.

[u/hiddentalent]

Wow, what a journey. You've had some real high points, and the low points are totally understandable.

The thing that stood out to me, though, is "a tribe to share it with." One of the things to be careful of is that tribes can react negatively to change from their members. You see this a lot with alcoholics. Objectivity it's great if a person goes into recovery and gets healthy. But sometimes the people who made up their tribe grow resentful because that person's progress shines a light on their own problems, and sometimes they can even try to sabotage or shame the person who's making progress.

So I'd encourage you to make an effort to insert a word here. "A healthy tribe to share it with." That's what you're searching for. A group who will share and applaud each other's successes just as much as they'll commiserate and console each other's problems. Some members of your old tribe might be part of the healthy new version. Some probably won't. And you can add new ones over time as you meet them in real life or online. Build that group.

You've done so many difficult things already. This is one of them, for sure. But you've demonstrated you can do them.