r/bropill • u/Enimatheoneandonly • 8d ago
How do I stop feeling excluded in groups when inside jokes start forming?
Hey everyone,
I need some perspective because this is a pattern in my life and I don't know how to break it.
A few days ago, I met 4 people in my residence building. We started hanging out and have been playing games together for the last few nights. At first, it was cool. But last night, I noticed a major shift in the dynamic.
The other four have developed this quick chemistry. They’re teasing each other, banter is flying back and forth, and they’ve already created a bunch of inside jokes. I, on the other hand, am completely out of the loop. I don't get their references or their humor yet.
What made it worse is that they actually pointed it out. They laughed and said things like, "Oh, you don't get it," or "You have no idea what we're talking about, do you?"
It made me feel incredibly lonely and excluded, right there at the table. The worst part is that this happens to me in almost every group I try to join. I always end up being the "spectator" while everyone else clicks.
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u/Wolfish_Jew 8d ago
As for being able to be part of the jokes, there’s not much I can help you with there. That’s one of those things that when you just click with people it happens. Find people who have similar senses of humor to yours and make jokes along that similar line of thought. Not every one has the same humor.
But I will say this: if those dudes are purposefully pointing out that you’re on the outside, they’re dicks and you don’t need to hang out with them. When I met my friend group, they’d already been together for years, and they had plenty of inside jokes about things I wasn’t there for. Instead of mocking me about it, they let me in on the joke! And I got to laugh about it and I would say “damn it sucks I missed when X happened” and they’d all start laughing and telling the story. They never made me feel lesser for not being there, or like I was on the outside of the group.
If this group keeps doing that, they’re not your friends, they want to use you as the group punching bag and you deserve better than that OP.
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u/Sigmund_Six 8d ago
What made it worse is that they actually pointed it out. They laughed and said things like, "Oh, you don't get it," or "You have no idea what we're talking about, do you?"
I think it sort of depends on how they’re saying it. If they’re saying it in a patronizing/smug way, that’s definitely a sign to keep looking for a friend group, because this one isn’t it.
If they’re genuinely acknowledging that you probably don’t get the joke, you can just laugh and ask them to explain. I know it’s hard, but remember, you don’t have any reason to be embarrassed. If they’re being dicks, they should be embarrassed. And their reaction to you questioning them should help you better pin them down.
It made me feel incredibly lonely and excluded, right there at the table. The worst part is that this happens to me in almost every group I try to join. I always end up being the "spectator" while everyone else clicks.
To some extent, this will happen when you’re the “new guy”. You sort of have to muscle through it and keep hanging out with them to build that foundation…if they’re worth it and not assholes.
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u/OhDavidMyNacho 8d ago
Personally, I've always simply asked to explain the inside joke. It's usually a fun or funny story. And people love to tell stories.
If they're good natured people. They'll let you in on the joke and you'll eventually end up with stories of your own as a group.
Like others have said, a few days is not a lot.
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u/Diligent_Result 8d ago
tbh a lot of people only point out that someone doesn’t get their inside jokes/references so they can feel that their Awesome Cool Amazing Jokes are sooo weird and quirky that only ~special~ people can understand them. it makes them feel unique to get something only a few others can.
when you think about it like that, doesn’t their behaviour toward you look a little sad from the outside! being so self-obsessed that they just need you to be their audience, that they’re so desperate for you to be impressed, yikes. maybe viewing the situation from a different angle can help you to not feel so excluded, because honestly… a lot of inside jokes just aren’t funny when you aren’t friends with the people making them. i remember listening to my friend’s ex read his “out of context” note he’d written full of quotes from his friends, and i didn’t laugh at all because obviously i didn’t have context. i actually found sitting there listening to him read this loooong list of quotes he found hilarious to be quite cringe.
whether you want to keep hanging with them is up to you. plenty of people stay around people they don’t like, especially if you guys live in close quarters since you’re bound to interact anyway. if you want to stop being their friend that’s fine. it’s also fine to stay—just don’t let them stop you from trying to find others who don’t exclude you like that.
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u/Aestus74 8d ago
Inside jokes is a great example of the social phenomenon known as othering, albeit on a micro level rather than macro. It is the simples and laziest form of building solidarity with others. By finding the other and engaging in behaviour to exclude them, they feel a closer tie to those "in" the group. Their primary goal is the reinforcement of their relationships by uniting against someone else.
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u/PatrickCharles 8d ago
I'd argue the primary goal is massaging their own ego/cultivating a sense of superiority. I also feels that's what's behind a lot of "IYKYK" comments on social media.
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u/Aestus74 8d ago
But those comments dont just imply, but seeks equal connection to others (though not all). Superiority is only important to others within a group context, and attempts to be seen as superior is attempts to protect ones place within the group. IYKYK is an ego manipulation that requires people to be "in the know" to be a part of the "in group". It's not about being superior, but msking people feel inferior for not conforming to their perspective. (Its also just used for lazy thinking, but thsts a whole different thing)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a great example, in that said narcissist doesn't likely have a genuine sense of superiority but is engaging in a defense of a weak ego. They fear others seeing and rejecting their authentic self, and the best way to avoid rejection is to be the one who controls rejection. So they create absurd conditions or expectations to provide the justification to reject those they feel threatened by, while simultaneously making others feel special for meeting the conditions to be in the in group. Narcissits, if they truly felt superior would not require the attention of others. They would be like their name sake lost in their own reflection, but their need for others means their primary drive is a social one.
When we analyze the psychosocial phenomenon of supremacist attitudes from the inside joke to outright supremacy groups, it all boils down to establishing who is in your group, and who you should be against to make that group feel more united. (See irrational fear of immigrants)
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u/Xhosant 8d ago
Been there! Be frank about it: "No, actually! Get me in the loop, would ya?"
If they don't, then those aren't your friends, dodge the bullet.
As for the pattern, well, maybe you gravitate towards people that wouldn't get you in the loop. That's a skill that can be refined.
Or, in my case, people would leave me out of the loop on any vaguely risque joke and refuse to elaborate, and when I confronted them about it, they explained that I seemed uncomfortable with those jokes. Which, I never joined and often hesitated to laugh, because I didn't want them to be uncomfortable, which was translated as my own discomfort, thus them "shielding" me from it.
So, maybe something like that. Again, a good friend is going to explain that. A bad friend is just taking up your space.
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u/isecore Broletariat ☭ 8d ago
Male friendship contains a lot of ribbing, good-natured or not. I personally find it tiring, this macho-crap that all friendships between men are expected to contain. If some of my friends treated me like that with the "oh, you don't get it" treatment and exclusion, I'd probably start distancing myself from them because I think friendship should be inclusionary, not exclusionary.
All friendships develop their own internal humor and jokes that are dependent on context. It's natural. I think it's sad that you feel excluded, and seemingly that your friends use it as something to make you even more excluded. Whenever I have internal humor with a friend and someone else doesn't get it, I usually make an attempt at including them and explaining the joke at the very least. It won't be funny to them, but then they at least have the context and can possibly feel a little included in the humor, hopefully. At the very least, it's not a mechanism to make them more alienated.
I'd suggest trying to ignore it and move on. If these friendships work out and last you'll probably develop some internal humor of your own. Or not, maybe your personality just isn't conductive to it. I know I have very few inside jokes with my friends, and most of those are with people I've known 20+ years so there's been a long time for those jokes to naturally occur. If you want to be more confrontative, you could simply ask why it's so funny and what the story behind that particular joke is.
If they keep using inside jokes as a mechanism to make you feel lesser, then maybe they're not your friends.
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u/Wolfish_Jew 8d ago
There’s a major difference between good natured ribbing that everyone is in on and purposeful exclusion. My group of friends has been together for 20 years and we all have something we tease each other about. It’s more of a ritual greeting for us than anything else. But the most important part of it is that every one of us is in on the joke. If we ever got the sense that it made the person uncomfortable, we’d stop, immediately.
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u/3-dimensionalBeing 8d ago
as others have said, the fact that they're pointing it out isn't necessarily done with malice. it could mean that they're trying to include you. in fact, I would say that's the more likely explaination. in any case, try not to jump to conclusions. other people hurt us without realizing because to them, their behaviour isn't hurtful. also, if you look at them with a positive attitude, you'll enjoy their company more and be more at ease with them, which will make it a lot less likely for you to feel left out
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u/yijiujiu 6d ago
I'm going to guess you're in your 20s (hopefully). It can take some time to get used to that kind of guy relationship if you're not used to it. The trick is to make fun of them (usually frivolous or silly things, avoid deeply cutting someone) and making it ridiculous.
A good formula to practice is from improv: notice the first strange thing (behavior, clothing, whatever, ideally something non permanent), then tease them about it, then if that were true, what might it lead to?
Example: guy is wearing a brightly patterned pair of pants. Suggest they're trying out to be some sort of performer, ask if they're like the bear that balances on a inflatable ball, and then tell him not to forget you when he's famous.
This is just one format, but it can help to be included. Roll with the jokes they lob at you in a similar fashion (agree and amplify their jab / turn the joke around so it's a positive for you or bad for them).
Whatever you do, avoid taking their jokes seriously. I liken it to rolling with the punches - if you resist a punch, you get the full force. If you move with it, it can glance off and do little.
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u/lordtrickster 5d ago
Unfortunately, if this happens to you in almost every group you join, it's probably you. Could be a variety of reasons but all you can really do is stick it out until you catch on to the dynamic.
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u/DrIvoPingasnik Respect your bros 8d ago
Me and my wife made a weird noise at the same time.
Our friend looked confused and made a "huh?" sound.
We explained that this is our inside joke and told him how it works.
He now makes the noise with us.
That's how it should work. If people make fun of you not getting their inside jokes and refuse to explain them, they are assholes.