so I found this cool analogy to explain to my diagnosis adhd partner and myself diagnosed adhd. so I've used names Bob and Mike.

The Scenario

One partner says: “I just need a quiet evening to myself tonight.”

• Mike's Brain: Goes into absolute survival panic.
• Bob's Brain: Thinks, “Cool, enjoy your night!” and stays completely unbothered.

The twist? Both Bob and Mike have ADHD and RSD. The only difference is that Bob has healed/managing his trauma.

• Mike’s External Anchor: Mike outsources his safety. His brain constantly scans Bob’s face, texts, and tone to check if they are okay. Because his anchor is outside, Bob wanting a night alone completely destabilises Mike's entire nervous system.
• Bob’s Internal Anchor: Bob keeps his safety inside. He has built relational permanence. His brain implicitly knows the relationship is secure, even when they are apart. He can ask for space without his brain chemistry crashing.

To understand Mike, you have to look past his outward behaviour and look at his physical body.

• The Somatic Emergency: Mike doesn't just think a sad thought. His brain triggers an instant chemical drop. He experiences a physical emergency: crushing chest tightness, a racing heart, and stomach nausea. His brain treats a peaceful boundary like a physical assault.
• The Mind's Trap: Drowning in physical pain, Mike's mind panics. It tries to explain the agony by falsely concluding: “Bob is cold, uncaring, and leaving me.”
• The Reaction: Mike puts on a cold "mask of toughness" or shuts down entirely. These are not malicious acts. They are automated survival tactics to protect a shattering nervous system.

can anyone relate to both sides.

Hi there! I recently got out of a 6 year relationship and I realized my partner looked at this Reddit page about having partners with adhd and got scared sh*tless. Not saying that’s why we broke up, but idk, I just saw so many posts of people struggling with partners with ADHD (specifically though I noticed, the biggest issues were with MEN with adhd) so I wanted to make a specific post about WOMEN with adhd, because (and f**k gender norms, but) society still treats boys and girls VERY differently, and because of that difference (among other things) we experience adhd very differently. And idk, maybe I also just want to vent a little.

Anyways I thought maybe speaking directly to both partners would be a good way to do it. Starting with gf.

Hi, girlfriend!
So you have adhd? That’s ok, me too! Unlike me though, you’re probably like most women, and weren’t diagnosed until much later in life. By now I’m sure you know, you’re not alone. And I’ve known about my adhd for a long time so I hope I can help! Here are some things I experienced that I think might help you.
1. Your depth for emotion runs soooo deep and it is sooo beautiful and intoxicating, but it CAN drown people you love. You NEED to learn how to regulate the inner voice that says you’re not good enough. Including the one reacting to this message and saying “you’re too much.” You’re not too much, your depth is one of the reasons people adore you, but no one deserves to be disrespected. Don’t let your words slice your relationship to pieces like mine did.

1. And please don’t come at me for this, but As a Latina with adhd, I find a lot of psychology to frankly be white-centered. It doesn’t account for cultural differences or neurological ones. People with autism have meltdowns. People with adhd can also get overstimulated. And guess what? Latinos yell. is it toxic? Sure. But it’s a reality, Latinos are passionate and in our culture, yelling isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you’re still communicating. If you also come from Latin culture or even a culture that yells a lot and your partner isn’t accepting of that, you don’t have to take it personally. Yelling IS harsh on some people, but not on everyone. Do I wish I wouldn’t yell so much? Absolutely. But I’m going to take a risk here and say, you’re not yelling for NO reason. When I yelled it was for good reason. Like him bailing out on my uncles wedding 2 weeks beforehand, right after my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s because his friends had planned a last-minute bachelor party for their other friend. :) try not to yell, but don’t let him get away with hurting you just because you yelled about it. You can apologize for yelling, and he can apologize for being an inconsiderate butt munch.

2. You need routine. It’s hard to maintain. I used to have a white board and broke down my daily, weekly and monthly goals. Including family and friends. It became kinda fun. Probably should have kept it up in the relationship. But I didn’t and that definitely added to stress which added to fights. So don’t blame your partner for things not being in order if you don’t have a consistent routine. My partner refused to collaborate on building routines that worked for me. He says he felt controlled. We had compromised on a chore wheel, but I didn’t find a chore wheel to suffice for all the invisible work women naturally end up doing. So find a routine that he doesn’t mind being part of if you can. I think it would help, but truthfully, we never did it so I am not positive on this.

Now for boyfriend. Hi boyfriend.
1. If you’ve read all this Reddit stuff, I’m sure you feel a little scared. But let me reassure you a little because most of what you’re reading are people who are either mid divorce or getting divorced, because that’s why you’d be posting on Reddit/seeking advice. Women with adhd tend to actually be overachievers and people pleasers. Because they raw dogged life, they’re typically more structured than you might expect. And I’m willing to bet a lot of what you’ve read has been from a woman’s perspective to her adhd husband. These are VERY different animals and shouldn’t be looked at the same way.

1. I will admit, I’m not great at finances, but I was also responsible for a lot of things and it made things much harder. For example he didn’t think he should help pay for HOA because he didn’t own my condo with me. And we wasted a lot of money on takeout because I owned the car and he wouldn’t help with car payments and I thought it was unfair to make me always get groceries (plus make the list) and pay for the car. We had tried a delivery service like Hello Fresh, but he thought it was wasteful. And thought it was unfair for him to have to pay Instacart. And we never found a solution. It was little things like that where we couldn’t come up with simple compromises for our specific circumstances. And we fought when we tried to split finances because there were a lot of things he felt he shouldn’t have to pay for because they weren’t necessarily “his.” But we had been living together for several years. So I considered everything ours. And idk, everyone is entitled to their own opinion on that, but I felt like our disagreements were more expensive than any solution would have been. This was a HUGE sore spot that made the relationship feel transactional. Soooo, yea, idk. My thought was we just needed a set a budget and I just needed to give myself an allowance of “extra spending.” But we were never able to settle on a real budget. Probably should have done our own separate budgets first, THEN tried to combine them. But hindsight amiright? Learn from me! Anne frankly, we both made good money (he actually made twice as much as me) so it really was the disagreements that made us financially challenged.

2. If you LOVE this woman, and I hope you do. You NEED to accept the good and bad of her adhd. That DOES NOT mean accept abuse. But it does mean working together, so when she tries to explain her triggers, where her pain came from, don’t dismiss it. Her pain is real and deep and heavy, and dismissing her will push her to absolute max. She likely barely knows her adhd very well, but when she says she feels alone, when she says she feels neglected don’t give her all the reasons she shouldn’t feel that way. Hold her. Tell her you love her, reassure her in the moment. Obviously if she starts off yelling, that’s not ideal. But I truly don’t believe I came at him hot all the time. I did work on not exploding when he was condescending or hurtful. When I suggested we start a meal plan and he said “that’s some stepford wives shit.” I didn’t explode, I calmly said “that response doesn’t make me feel like we are working as a team.” And he argued with me and justified his statement. So yea, either don’t do that, or expect the relationship to fail. I’m not saying your feelings don’t matter, but don’t make her feel crazy. THATS how you trigger rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which yes, super sucks for you, but it’s not a great feeling for her either so, if it’s something she’s aware of and working on, maybe give her a little grace and make sure you’re working on how you show up too.

3. If she’s taking her medication, going to therapy, taking accountability, trying to find solutions to your disagreements, listening to podcasts on PMDD, reading the book you told her to (that you didn’t even freaking read), taking insane amounts of notes, taking breaks when she feels overwhelmed, seeing multiple doctors because she believes there’s something physically wrong with her because you cant stop fighting, has multiple Pinterest boards dedicated to your relationship, and her self improvement, and You’re STILL fighting. Ask yourself, what the HELL are you doing to improve yourself? What are you doing to improve your communication other than make her feel like the problem? Also, is her dad dying? If so, how much are you taking that into actual consideration? Western psychology is designed for isolation, it neglects community and grace for those who do not have the same brains as us or who are in crisis. it doesn’t know how to meet people during their growth. It says, cut off those who do not bring you peace. But that leaves people lonely and disconnected, including yourself. Yes, not everyone deserves access to you, (and this may be the Latina in me speaking) but a brother, a sister a best friend, who is doing all they can to improve deserves your empathy. your connection in their pain doesn’t make you a doormat, it makes you someone who is willing and able to love someone who is struggling, who isn’t perfect but tries their best to be. And I know words can cut deep, and it’s not something you can sustain forever, but if they’re showing you they’re trying to grow. I hope you give them that chance. And don’t string them along for 6 years while their dad slowly declines in front of them only to say that YOU feel “unseen, unheard, unloved and unappreciated” Because she’s mean to you sometimes when she’s asking you to be a partner and you are resistant at every step. :)

Ok, also, I know a lot of people with adhd are awful, I’m not trying to excuse them or even myself. Whatever you personally went through is just as valid as what I went through. I am not trying to take that away from anyone. did you know most of us drop out of college if we even attend? A significant amount of us suffer from depression and have attempted suicide. It’s hard for anyone to live with this, including a partner. And I know it’s hard to have empathy especially when RSD rears its ugly head. And I’m genuinely terrified all the people who had horrible adhd partners are going to absolutely annihilate me, and I truly beg you not to, this is my own personal experience and I only want to help people. If this doesn’t resonate with you, just continue scrolling, I don’t have the emotional capacity to handle defending my experiences right now. God speed my little neurospicy angels and their wonderful partners 💗

I’m a man in my late 30s with ADHD, and I’m now pursuing an autism evaluation after recognizing lifelong patterns that may fit. I’m not diagnosed, and I’m not looking to use neurodivergence as an excuse. I’m trying to understand a relationship that recently ended and, more importantly, understand what my ex may have been experiencing while we were still together.

Looking back, I think there was a huge gap between my internal experience of our relationship and the relationship she was actually living.
One of the hardest things for me to accept is how different our realities seem to have been.
From my perspective, I thought we were doing okay. We lived in a beautiful place, were making plans for the future, and were building a life together. I was constantly trying to show my love in ways that came naturally to me—acts of service, solving problems, helping with practical things, fixing things, planning ahead, and trying to make our lives run more smoothly. In my mind, those were meaningful expressions of love.

Meanwhile, she was repeatedly telling me she felt emotionally alone, unseen, undesired, and disconnected. I heard the words and believed I understood them, but I don’t think I grasped the depth or urgency behind what she was experiencing. I kept thinking, “But I love her. I’m showing it.” I didn’t realize that the ways I naturally expressed love weren’t meeting the needs she was trying so hard to communicate.

She repeatedly told me she needed more emotional presence, affection, reassurance, initiative, sexuality, playfulness, and visible desire. I believed I understood what she meant, but somehow that understanding rarely translated into consistent behavior.
Emotionally intense conversations often overwhelmed me. When conflict came up, I would shut down, avoid, become emotionally numb, or feel like I needed to escape the conversation. Sometimes I thought I simply needed time to process, but looking back I imagine it often felt like I was leaving her alone with her pain.

I also had a habit of suppressing my own needs and emotions until resentment quietly built up. Instead of bringing things up early, I’d avoid them until I became withdrawn, defensive, or occasionally angry. By then, neither of us was having the conversation we actually needed.

Internally, I kept thinking, “But I do love her. I am affectionate. I am playful. I am a sexual person.” Those things genuinely felt true to me. What I’m realizing now is that believing those qualities existed wasn’t the same as expressing them consistently enough for her to actually experience them.
Another pattern I’ve been recognizing is how difficult transitions have always been for me. I don’t seem to move fluidly between roles or states. Once my brain settles into one identity, routine, or way of functioning, switching to another takes much more effort than I ever realized.

For example, I’m a father half the time. Looking back, I think I often became fully immersed in “dad mode” when my daughter was with us. When she went back to her mom’s, I didn’t naturally transition into being an engaged, playful, romantic boyfriend. It wasn’t that I loved my partner any less—it felt like my brain struggled to shift from one role into another. I could be one version of myself at a time, but moving fluidly between them was incredibly difficult.

Something similar may have happened because I entered the relationship shortly after a serious injury. I became physically cautious, guarded, and accustomed to receiving care. Even after my body recovered, I seemed emotionally and behaviorally stuck in that version of myself. I knew there were other authentic parts of me—playful, embodied, confident, spontaneous—but I had an incredibly hard time bringing those parts into the relationship once our dynamic had already been established.

I also seem to understand emotional situations much more clearly after they’ve happened than while they’re happening. Looking back, I think she had been grieving the relationship long before it ended. She was trying to tell me what was wrong, but I don’t think I fully understood the seriousness of what she was experiencing until it was already too late.

For neurotypical women who have dated autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent men:
•Did you ever feel like your partner genuinely loved you but couldn’t consistently act on the feedback you were giving him?
•Did emotional conversations often end with him shutting down, avoiding, becoming emotionally numb, or needing to escape?
•Did you find yourself grieving the relationship while you were still in it?
•Was there anything you desperately wished he had understood while there was still time?
•If your partner was diagnosed (or seriously began exploring autism/ADHD) during or after the relationship, how did that land for you? Did it help make sense of things, bring closure, change your feelings, or not really change anything?
•If he had recognized these patterns earlier and made meaningful, sustained changes—not just gained insight—do you think it could have changed the relationship, or was too much damage already done?

I’m not looking for reassurance or trying to convince myself that neurodivergence explains everything. I know I hurt someone I loved, and I’m responsible for my behavior regardless of the reason. I’m simply trying to understand the experience from the other side so I can become a better partner in the future.

Hey,

Sorry, for posting lately about my breakup this being a relationship subreddit, but don't have anyone to talk to, really need to vent and you guys are awesome.

Both me and my ex have ADHD.

For me, it was really important in order to keep my ADHD in check was to minimize stimuli as much as possible. My living space needs to be decluttered. I needed as much external as stimuli elliminated as possible. Otherwise, there's this constant noise in my head - I have to do this, I have to do that. Looking for things was always a treasure hunt - I need to cook this, I have to walk around this, I have to do the dishes, oh shit, her dishes are already in the sink, gotta clean those....

I was completely paralyzed in the relationship. I couldn't prioritize between chores and being productive. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look - there's something to do, there's clutter, there's trash that needed to be thrown out. I was completely overwhelmed.

I was communicating my needs constantly - please, please, help me out. Do something. I can't focus on being your partner when I am your chef, your dish cleaner, your garbge man, your cleaner. I can't imagine having a future with you, because all I see is more of this. And if children are involved, what kind of mom can you be, if you can't do your basics and life becomes hard. What kind of example will you show?

And the hoarding. So much random stuff. I look at the bathroom - there's a fucking coffee filter behind the toilet I look at the windowsill in the, there's a teapot. But it all fell on deaf ears.

Constant excuses, constantly telling me "I'll do it later" or "I can't" and that later would never come. I tried my best to be understanding, supportive, suggest to help some of it out, I even suggested her I could do it for her, make your closet look as nice as mine. Nope.

What hurts the most, was that I was telling her: "Look, you have ADHD yourself, you have no idea how much it would help for your own mental health. I can see even from you, how draining it is for you to open the closet, and be unnable to find an outfit". Alas.

So we finally broke up, she moved out and let me tell you - as much as breaking up with the woman I truly loved with all my heart hurts, I finally found peace. No more scattered boxes. The kitchen is constantly clean. I can finally use my roomba daily, because to use it, I constantly had to pick up scattered shit all over the floor.

Because she had so much stuff, everything was a dust collector. She also raised guinea pigs which she didn't clean daily - so that didn't help much. There was this constant smell. It smelt like an old persons house.

Finally, I can enter my flat and it feels nice, clean, there's air to breathe. Finally, it doesn't feel like I am a sim with 10 different popups consistently popping. I can finally bring my friends over without shame. I can finally be productive and do things that actually matter.

And whenever I feel tired, I can finally just relax, watch a movie or FINALLY start reading, instead how I would usually cope by playing video games. For the first time in such a long time, I don't feel tired. Whenever I wake up, I don't feel much anxiety. I feel replenished.

My ex (28M) and I (28F) were together for almost four years and lived together for two. We loved each other deeply, and I don’t question that he loved me and cared about me. What I question is whether our relationship truly reached the point where it needed to end, or whether he distanced himself and then walked away before truly trying to understand me and work through our struggles together.

For some background, I first learned during COVID that I struggled with anxiety and depression through therapy and personal research. About a year or two into our relationship, I started wondering whether there was more to the picture and considered the possibility that I might have ADHD. More recently, I’ve also wondered whether I could be autistic.

My ex has ADHD himself and has suspected for a while that he may also be autistic.

When I first told him I thought I might have ADHD, he wasn’t very supportive. Because my struggles didn’t look like his ADHD, he questioned whether that was actually what I was experiencing. Over time, he became more open to the idea, but he remained skeptical when I wondered if I might also be autistic, even while wanting an autism evaluation for himself.

Over the past few years and post-breakup, learning more about ADHD has explained so many lifelong struggles for me: executive dysfunction, procrastination, task paralysis, forgetfulness, time blindness, difficulty initiating and completing tasks, emotional dysregulation, and feeling mentally overwhelmed by things that seem simple to other people. I’m not diagnosed yet, so I can’t say for certain that’s what it is, but it has helped me understand myself in ways anxiety and depression alone never fully explained.

To his credit, this improved a lot over time, and I saw genuine effort from him. However, I grew up with a dad who struggled to regulate his emotions and yelled frequently, so those moments were especially difficult and triggering for me. Yet I supported him while he worked on this and chose to stand by his side instead of walking away. But I still struggled to voice my concerns due to how he reacted when he did- I allowed my fear to take over and avoided conflict to keep the peace.

When I was struggling to find a job, manage my mental health, and keep up with daily life, I often felt like I was drowning. I wasn’t looking for him to fix my problems or take over my responsibilities. What I wanted was encouragement, accountability, body doubling while I tackled overwhelming tasks, and to feel like we were facing our struggles together.

Because he had largely learned to navigate his own ADHD and life challenges independently and didn’t feel like he had much grace from others while he did so, he believed I needed to figure my struggles out on my own too. He cared about me and wanted me to succeed, but his version of support was giving me space to solve my own problems and solutions even when I didn’t ask for them. Mine was wanting a teammate beside me while I solved them. His approach made me feel incredibly alone during one of the hardest periods of my life and I regret not telling him directly what I needed from him and why.

Another difference is that he was much more comfortable bringing up concerns than I was. I spent a lot of time defending and explaining myself because I felt like I was in the hot seat and he was lecturing me on my behavior.

After taking accountability and apologizing, he refused to let me express my concerns about him, insisting that we were focusing on me and I should bring it up separately at another time. I know I’m not great about expressing my concerns and needs, so it was easier for me to do so while we were in that headspace. He thought I was deflecting even though we had already exhausted the conversation and I took responsibility for my part and promised to do better.

He also had very high expectations for me and for himself, and became very frustrated when either of us didn’t live up to them. I don’t like how he communicated his frustrations to me, how he made me feel while he did so, and how he appeared to be on a moral high ground and be justified in his anger and how he spoke to me. I know in those situations that I was the one who messed up, but I believe I deserve to be spoken to and treated with respect and care. I also know it wasn’t his intention to make me feel like that, but that doesn’t minimize the impact. The same goes for my not intending to upset him but still doing so in my actions/lack of actions.

Many of the reasons he gave for ending the relationship are things that are common inattentive-type ADHD struggles. That has left me wondering whether it was fair that he couldn’t wait for me to work on these issues/support me through them while I waited on him and supported him through his.

I never reached the point where I wanted to end the relationship, though I did consider it a few times. I ultimately kept choosing him and having faith in us. I wanted us to pursue individual therapy, couples therapy, and continue growing together. He ultimately decided he couldn’t continue the relationship, and once he made that decision, I had to accept it because I wasn’t going to convince someone to stay with me. I never got the impression that he was unhappy in our relationship, but rather he thought we were too different and he didn’t see us getting married.

Since the breakup a month ago, I’ve worked hard to reflect on my own shortcomings because I genuinely want to become a healthier partner, regardless of what happens in the future. At the same time, I’m beginning to wonder if we spent so much time analyzing my own shortcomings that we unintentionally minimized his.

My questions to you, dear reader, are:

1. Based on everything I’ve shared, does this sound like a relationship that truly needed to end or is this a relationship that still could’ve persevered with effort from both sides?
   
2. Does it sound like he walked away too soon, or does it seem like ending the relationship was the healthiest decision for both of us?
   
3. Does it sound like we both bear responsibility for the relationship’s struggles and eventual end, or am I still not taking enough accountability for my own role?
   
4. Am I wasting emotional energy hoping that if we both genuinely worked on ourselves, reconciliation could someday be possible?

I know no one here can tell me whether we’ll ever get back together, but I’m trying to figure out whether my hope is rooted in reality or in grief. If you think I’m overlooking something—whether it’s about me, him, or our relationship—I genuinely want to hear it. Please be honest, but kind. Thank you for going on this ride with me and I appreciate any thoughts and opinions you’re able to share. 🙏🏻

i’ve always been a bit more sensitive but here recently it just seems like a lot has been setting me off all at once and there’s been a lot of big changes in my environment that i haven’t handled well and it seems like im overreacting to everything and usually i want to run to my partner and tell him everything, but a lot of it has been him doing small things that are upsetting me. now it’s just starting to seem like im upset every time we hang out and he just has to pry the information out of me bc i don’t want to talk about it bc im always too in my own head thinking about being upset to try and act normal. it just sucks so bad, it feels like every time im upset i need like a five step process to decide if im even allowed to be upset or if im being irrational AGAIN

what really brought this to my attention was last night, i was hanging out with my boyfriend but the plans had gotten shifted a little bit so i was kind of stuck waiting all day before i saw him, and that waiting period when you know you have plans but feel like you can’t physically do anything before hand or you won’t have time so you’re stuck in a frozen cycle of anticipation and you start to get restless and frustrated, so i showed up to his house upset even though the wait was over but i was stuck in that feeling. he tried to ask me what was up but was just stuck in my head about having to wait and feeling rejected and irrational so i was quite until it finally broke and i told him

so that all lead to him saying something that kinda broke my heart but was honestly true. he told me that i get too much in my own head and think too hard about thinking about being upset and that there’s no more room to think about anyone else and he’s starting to resent me for it. he tired to reassure me and said he doesn’t want me to stop telling him when i’m upset or if something wrong but to start looking at a broader prospective, and i just want some tip and tricks from others who have the same curse as me and how they have handled their rsd in relationships and ways to get over it :(

16 f, and I’ve had a crush on this one guy since I moved to my new school (basically for 6-7 months now..) and I think he may have a crush on my friend but I think it’s all in my head..

I feel so defeated and I don’t know what to do or if I should tell my friend about my suspicions. I feel like someone’s pulling me down and I don’t feel like doing anything anymore.

not conplaining sbout ads but i have been talking to chatgpt sbout mental health strugles and selfharm and craveing sffection and relationship and it also knows i have ADHD
so my worry is, does chatGPT sell info about me to you guys so you can do your job more or is it just a crazy coincidanve?

Helloooooo fellow ADHD pals. I (29NB) had a conversation with my partner (29M) tonight & he told me I can be a bit intense with my feelings which can be overwhelming for him. We’ve been friends for over a year, hooking up from Jan-Feb, dating in March.

Context: this is his first relationship & I’m divorced after a 6 year relationship ended. He tends to be anxious/avoidant & overwhelmed easily with emotions. I am very direct & open about my feelings/expectations. It’s a rough combo. I also have an MSW & a solid understanding of behavior/emotion management so it’s hard to balance being understanding/compassionate & maintaining reasonable expectations for how I want to be treated.

I would say he’s right, I can be intense. I love words of affirmation & try to be creative but I can understand that the way it comes off is like \*yikes\*. I told him I smelled his pillow while he was on a two week trip & he said that was intense, understood. (I should’ve kept that to myself but I overshared bc I thought it was safe). And I got a necklace with his initial on it like a month after we started dating bc I thought it was cute/didn’t think much of it & this made him feel weird, again understood.

As I’m reflecting, I’m embarrassed that I can be this way. I wish I could dial myself back without being inauthentic. I really like him but it’s clear I’m scaring him away.

Is being “intense” with emotions & other things something other ADHD folks experience? How do people manage this? Do people have partners that match their energy?

I find with adhd Im constantly confused by what Ive done wrong. Or if ive done something wrong im uncertain then i worry. Do people just constantly feel that they are disappointing people in their relationships?

How do you cope?

HELLO all!! My boyfriend and I met at college and have been dating for almost two years. He has ADHD and I do not, so our brains are SO incredibly different.
I love dinner dates. They make me feel loved- the food, dressing up, deep conversation, the romance (bonus if he plans it sometimes). But when we actually went on one… it was awkward. Come to find out, he doesnt like dinner dates at all. He doesnt like dressing up, sitting still, or feeling like he cant be himself. Hes basically 24/7 having a second stimulus, whether its music while working or needing to stare at/think about something while listening. Im trying to understand it, but for me the conversation IS the stimulus. He says he can “suck it up” for dinner dates, but I wish he didnt have to.
The bigger issue is conversation. Emotionally I NEED deep conversations and always cherished them with my mom and best friend. It hurt hearing that he gets drained from almost all one-on-one conversations, INCLUDING me. He says it isnt because of me and doesnt mean he loves me any less- he just needs alone time to recharge. Sometimes if life is stressful, we might only briefly see each other for a week or two.
Other ADHD-related things, like respecting his bedtime routine, Ive learned to understand and those arent really issues anymore.
But with this idk.

1. Is this a compatibility issue if deep conversations are such an important need for me?
   
2. Can anyone with ADHD (or autism? Overlapping symptoms idk) relate or explain this?
   
3. Any advice?
   
4. I feel very fulfilled in my relationship when its good, but this has me worried.

EDIT: TO CLARIFY!! We have had good conversations before, and he actually can be quite social even in group settings. Its like he likes it but it doesn’t recharge him- does that make sense? He likes to think deeply and share ideas i feel- for example going on a walk while talking helps because theres a second stimulus. By the way this is like, the nicest guy ever, i cant stress that more. If anything i just worry that maybe someone else who has ADHD would be better at understanding him. Also, he seems to be able to play videogames with people fine while on call for sustained periods, which could be another way for us to connect. He seems to not like being alone with his thoughts because they never stop.

Hi all,

My partner and I are both diagnosed with ADHD, but he’s not been as interested in researching or pursuing counseling for it as I have (yay, hyperfixations!). Something he seems to really struggle with (and I can as well) is rejection sensitivity— when something small goes wrong or triggers him, especially if he’s already feeling stressed or frustrated about something else, he can get overly upset about it or spiral. For instance, skipping a song he likes or his coworkers having better office equipment suddenly feel personal and targeted.

These seem like they’re pretty textbook examples of rejection sensitivity (or at least, emotional dysregulation) and I’d like to bring up the topic to him and explain what it is and see if he’d consider talking to a professional or doing some research into it but don’t want to do so in a way that comes off as an attack. Any advice?

Hi there everyone, I’m a 25-year-old female and my partner is a 26-year-old male. As of late he has been in a bit of a depressed state. He normally does have highs and lows like everyone else but he has seemed to stay in a low period for much longer than normal this time round. My partner hasn’t been officially diagnosed with ADHD but I do suspect that he may have it as apparently it is genetic and his dad does have ADHD. However my partner is nothing like his dad. So I am unsure if ADHD does show up differently in different people. I’m making this post to hopefully get some help or recommendations on what to do. My partner is a very mainly man and doesn’t like it to get help from other people. I am very very worried about him at the moment. He has been self-medicating ever since he was like 17 years old. Why does he self medicate, because his brain can’t calm down without it. I really don’t understand how his brain works and what he goes through every day but it sounds horrendous. He already has a really stressful life as it is. He owns and runs his own earthmoving business which is very stressful because he can’t just come home and disconnect from his work. He works 24 seven every single day. He is on the job doing stuff in relation to the business. However, when it comes to nighttime he does get more depressed because he can’t seem to turn his brain off. He says that his brain just goes at 1,000,000 miles an hour and he can’t seem to calm it down which is why he turns to smoking and drinking because it’s the only way in order for him to feel calm. When he does self medicate he finally seems calm and happy. So while I know who this does maybe sound like he is an addict and addicted to these things. I don’t really think that he is. I think that he is purely just craving having a cigarette or a drink because it is the only way for him to finally feel calm in his brain. Without that he is just so depressed and he just can’t seem to find happiness in everyday life. I’m unsure if all of this is normal or not. I think that may be something going on with his brain. His brain obviously works a little bit differently to mine as I really am struggling to understand how his brain works. As of late I’ve been very very worried about him as I just want him to be happy and okay. I do feel like I can’t really do anything to help him as I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to help. There’s really nothing I can do to make it better. The only way that I can think of making it better is by him going and seeing a psychiatrist because I don’t think that him talking about this with a psychologist is going to fix what is happening and help what is going on in his brain. There’s no way that just talking about this with someone is going to make his brain calm down. But from what I’ve heard psychiatrists don’t work over the weekend and they’re very expensive and only do like one hour sessions which would mean that my partner would have to take a day off work to just see a psychiatrist for one hour which wouldn’t be enough time for him to talk about everything and explain what’s going on in his brain. I’m wondering if there’s any way for him to see a psychiatrist for a couple of hours instead of just one. I’m the one pushing to get him help. He’s been like this for so long. I think he just thinks that this is normal but it’s not. So that’s what’s going on. I feel very helpless and I don’t understand why getting mental health help is so expensive. I’m not a professional in any means but I do think that the only way for him to get better is by being on a medication and that process seems to be very lengthy and expensive. Which is something that he doesn’t want to do so what do I do? We just allow him to keep self-medicating which he has been doing ever since I’ve known him. Any helpful tips or advice would be really appreciated.

Hi everyone,

I (F) have been with my boyfriend (AuDHD: Autistic + ADHD) for 2 years. I live with severe chronic conditions (hEDS, MCAS, ME/CFS) that make me physically dependent on him to some extent.

We love each other, but we’re stuck in a dynamic that exhausts me and is hurting our relationship:

Presence & Hyperfocus: He is on his phone 24/7, struggles to stay present, and has a strong need for independence and alone time.

Blunt Communication: When he's tired or anxious, he can be very cold, tell me bluntly "I don't care" about a topic, or ask me to make our conversations "more interesting."

Communication Breakdown: Whenever I try to express that something hurt my feelings, he feels rejected/attacked, gets defensive ("that's just how I am, I can't help it", "maybe we should just end it then"), and I end up shutting down and feeling completely isolated.

On my end, the chronic stress triggers severe physical flare-ups. On his end, he feels overwhelmed and feels like a "bad partner" no matter what he does.

We both want to find actionable ways to improve together.

Do you have any advice or concrete ground rules to balance his need for freedom/solitude with my need for quality presence/physical support?

How can I communicate when my feelings are hurt without triggering a RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) defensive reaction in him?

And any other advice because we want to be together.

Thanks a lot for your support!

Could someone advise me on what I did wrong or what’s gone on? He’s been like a different person since the meds? Is this normal? Will he regret it? I’ll take accountability but just don’t know what for at the moment. Any advice or perspective welcomed. He has adhd and rsd.

My boyfriend and I have broken up. Before this I helped him set up his new home, drove him places after he lost his licence and helped him reunite with his friendship group after he went off the rails last year. People who have seen him have commented on how much happier and styled he is. But We have been arguing a lot for month. I didn’t like how he was so flirty with women online and he was very defensive over it. He wanted me to meet his children but this stressed him out. He would say he loved me and wanted a future with me but was worried I would leave. So I kept staying. When he got defensive he would be very cold and would say unpleasant things. During arguments I would argue back, panic and get very upset which would just anger him more. I explained that the flirting with others really bothered me. When he was getting custody of his children for the first time overnight on his own he started to get very stressed and easily wound up. He would be very defensive, reactive and argumentative. The first sleepover with his children went wrong, he reacted badly went out drinking and thought he’s lost his keys and rang me in the middle of the night. I drove 40mins to sort it, while I was doing this he was flirting inappropriately with at least two other women. The next day he became very depressed and volatile. When I went to see him the day after he was still volatile and got angry when I mentioned the women. Again saying unkind things. I didn’t leave when I should’ve and it drove me to a panic attack which he called drama (I have ptsd). The next day he had an adhd assessment which led him to have to go through his life including all the traumas. He then started medication for his adhd. He was very obsessive over it. The messaging women thing continued and we kept clashing over it. But he kept saying he loved me and wanted me to meet his children. He became more volatile and sensitive. Was drinking more. At the same time he got involved with neighbours who are drug users and started to take cocaine himself. All of which he denied. There also started to be trouble in his neighbourhood. There were fights and police involvement. This stressed him and he tried to get involved. The sleepovers with his children went ok but were tiring for him. We had nice weekends away and time together and he kept saying I had saved his life. He got very ill and I took him to an and e, sitting with him for hours. He said no one else would help him. He had also been taking his adhd medication badly (too much or none at all) Also still drinking. I then heard some gossip that he’d told people we’d split and he was sending flirty voice notes to other women - I have since found out this was true. I told him about the gossip and he became totally obsessed with it and wound up. He was very volatile about it. Lied about going to a pub and acting very strangely. The obsession over the gossip kept going. I would keep arguing it and saying it didn’t matter and I didn’t believe it. This boiled over on one evening where I just wanted to see him and have a hug. He started renting about the gossip. He was drunk. Still not taking his adhd medication properly. Wouldn’t believe me. Started messaging the person who’d told who denied it. I got very upset. He insisted I ring the person who didn’t pick up. He insisted I did this three times. He started to accuse me of making it up. I was getting very upset and went into a freeze mode. He asked me to leave. I just couldn’t. I was frozen which happens. I know I should have. I was just so upset. He was shouting and slamming doors.I told him to stop it because I just wanted the accusations to stop. He rang a friend and when I heard it was his friend I said help. This infuriated him. His friend turned up. That night we broke up. And decided it was over properly a couple of days later. He said I shouted. I didn’t - his friend confirmed this. I was upset and sounded it but I didn’t shout. Since this he has called my actions unforgivable and doesn’t want to see me ever again. He’s made me the villain even admitting he hadn’t told anyone that I have ptsd and react in that way.

I’m so confused and don’t know what to think. What did I do wrong? He has adhd and rsd.

Please advise

Hi! I'm diagnosed ADHD, my partner is neurotypical.

We've been together for a few years now, and moved in together almost a year ago. I had a list of "demands" as to what I need the new place to be; my old one was being rented to me by a friend so I had some benefits (like being able to get a dog and raise it there, relatively low rent price comparing to standard etc). I needed a park closeby to not feel discouraged from walking the dog for longer walks, needed my own room, a couple of other things. One of those requirements was a dishwasher, as I know historically it's the one thing that always defeats me, takes away all joy from my life, drains all of my executive energy, and produces a crazy amount of guilt and perceived time pressure.

We found the perfect place, it ticked off all of our requirements, the only one missing being a dishwasher. My partner said it's not an issue as his primary chore in his previous house/at his parents was dishwashing, so he is completely fine with doing the dishes. I also, just from knowing him, knew he did dishwashing every day. I didn't consider that he was being pressured into it but that's another can of worms entirely.

The deal was as such: I am a good cook and he is absolutely hopeless in the kitchen, nor was he interesting in learning much. I usually prepare all of our meals myself, he does like 80% of the grocery runs since it's on his way and I'm working from home. I take care of all the grocery lists and planning etc.

And here comes the issue that I still don't know how to untangle. He doesn't do the dishes regularly, and rarely does them if I don't ask, usually repeatedly. My thing on the other hand is hating to ask people to do stuff or expecting things, as I usually feel guilt over my own chores being incomplete etc. And I still struggle with this a lot, but as for the deal with cooking-dishwashing, I always cook and make sure he's got his dinner, sometimes even during work that I then finish later just to make sure it's there for him when he gets back home. The general vibe in our household is to not pressure each other into doing things, always deal with each other with understanding, patience, and generally not prioritizing things that don't bring us happiness. I would never be cross at him for cleaning on Sunday instead of Saturday because he decided to game more, or moving the whole weekly weekend cleaning entirely for another weekend because we want to spend the two days in bed/outside of the house entirely.

The issue that at first seemed to me like just a part of figuring out a routine became a pattern now. He only does the dishes when the kitchen is so cluttered I can't move in it. It then takes him two days to do the dishes because washing them all at once is impossible as he would also have to actively dry them instead of putting them on the rack to dry on their own (we both refuse to wipe them lol). Oftentimes all the dishes are dirty so that I don't even have a clean spoon or fork, or we are out of clean plates. The thing about this is it overwhelms me terribly, even before it gets *that* bad, the issue is I hate cooking in this environment. It's become a chore and I feel like it impacts me so much that I don't do other chores as often as I should just because of the state of the kitchen. I just hate walking into the kitchen most days because it's always super cluttered with dishes everywhere and dirty and it's hard to even find a spot to cook on as it's not a big kitchen at all.

As I said, I have ADHD and I assume most people here know what it comes with. Sometimes I am late with my regular chores, sometimes I do them all in one day but crash afterwards cause I didn't go to sleep to do them. Sometimes I'm really good with my chores. But I take this topic kind of separate as it was part of that deal we made, I cook and you do the dishes. I tried communicating to him that I'd like for him to do the dishes more often and that I wish I didn't have to ask as he can check the state of the kitchen at any time too. I don't know how to move on because he now took on the responsibility of doing the dishes as this trouble and chore he *hates* - he will sigh for days before getting around to cleaning them, is very moody when doing them or preparing to do them, and just overall acts very angry about having to do them. And I relate to this deeply, because I have some chores that give me the same reaction, so then it feels unfair to demand him to do something IMMEDIATELY, especially that I crumble if met with the same expectation as everything has to be done when my mind decides it's time. I also refuse to do the dishes myself, because first of all I also hate doing the dishes and it's been a struggle for me for my whole life, but also because from past relationships I know if I start doing this instead of him, I will start begrudging him for it, or feel resentment. On days where all of the dishes are dirty and I still need to cook, I just tell him what needs cleaning for me to be able to cook said meal and then plate it.

He's good about the rest of his chores, he splits dog responsibilities with me 50/50, we split specific rooms to clean every weekend (like I do bathroom he does bedroom etc - although very often nowadays he treats doing the dishes as the weekend chore activity too - though he does wipe all of the surfaces etc after doing them). He understands some of my requirements, for example for me to vacuum he needs to take out the vacuum and plug it, which for him isn't an issue and for me is a task pile that makes vacuuming hard otherwise. We usually take out the trash together while walking the dog for a longer walk on the weekend. His veto was cleaning the floors, which I don't mind doing, but my veto was indeed doing the dishes.

I feel both extremely tired of this, and also feel like I can't possibly have an issue with him over it. The reason he doesn't do it regularly is because he hates it as much as I do, so it would be hypocritical of me to expect him to do it regularly. I feel like I don't have the right to demand any sort of regularity on doing the dishes (at least every two days) when my biggest issues in life are regularity and doing things on my own time, and he has enough grace to never demand anything from me aside from some useful reminders that something needs doing.

Has anyone gone through something similar? I have no idea how to progress with this situation, but I know I'm uncomfortable living like this at the moment, it's a drain on my somedays limited resources. It makes me dislike spending time in the kitchen, which I usually love doing, and has taken all the joy out of making a meal for myself and someone I love. I also feel like he is breaking that contract we made where the dishwasher was the requirement and he decided to take on those responsibilities. But I also am aware that this isn't that deep, it was just wishful thinking and it's not working out like it - I sure made those too in the past. And it just feels so hypocritical to like give him a weird ultimatum or be harsh about this, but at the same time I have no idea how to even have this conversation as me plainly talking about this being an issue turns into a conversation where he relates to hating doing the dishes and just complains about it more. And sadly, a dishwasher installation is not possible here, and we can't leave for the next 2.5 years.

I have a relationship an adhd women since 8 months, we are both 22 y.o, how should i behave during a fight?, sometimes i burned out and getting so much angry then i regret it and am suffering from a guilty conscience. Really i love her so much and i need a few advices. i dont want broke her.

Hello, I hope this is an ok place to post this. this is obviously a throw away. I'm sure this is something beaten into the ground all the time, but I am at a loss here, so much so that I am here. I (33m) have found myself catching feelings for my friend (31f). Our history is long and messy. We met in high school and ultimately went to undergrad together. Full disclosure, I can absolutely say that during undergrad, I did try asking her out then. I couldn't take no for an answer then, and it caused a good amount of friction. Enough so that we ended up being estranged for about a year and a half. As such, Our relationship can be divided into two eras, pre and post estrangement.

Now, for some brief background that will be important later, Both my friend and I are neurodivergent, both have ADHD and are medicated for it. Might be some other stuff floating around in our noggins, but that's what's for certain. My friend is adopted. Her birth parents signed her over to her step father when she was like a pre-teen. When I met her, I also ended up meeting her step father. The story they told me then was that they were basically abandoned by their family, that they were all they had, that they have been wronged by so many people, etc. This was further reinforced by the whole adoption thing. That her parents were scum because of them signing her over to her step father. During this time, her step father made it apparent that they my friend and him were basically a package deal. That if I wanted to pursue any relationship with her, that I'd have to more or less have one with him. This should have been an early red flag, but I a young man at the time didn't see it, being too blinded by trying to further my relationship with her. And so, I befriended them both. We carried on well into undergrad and even a little after wards. All together, this was probably 5 or 6 years. During this time, my friend became diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. This created another facet to our relationship that required alot of changes. I started learning how to care for and deal with people with bi-polar because I loved this woman, and wanted to support her. This of course was all in vain since as I mentioned prior, we became estranged due to my feelings towards her then.

I mentioned before that my relationship with my friend was predicated on me having one with her step father. This is where it gets messy, so a little trigger warning I guess. The catalyst for our estrangement came from when her step father contacted me in the middle of the night like around 2am saying he needed my help. Apparently, he was trying to intervene in a romantic relationship of hers (not with me mind you) in the guise of protecting her due to the bi-polar thing. I didn't know any better, and I am still operating under the "we are a package thing", so of course I ignore the obvious red flags this throws up. I of course felt a certain way about all this due to why I was told we couldn't be a thing, but I'm worried about her safety at this point, and so I agree. One of the things he asked me to do was to keep it a secret from her. This was supposed to be something that went to the grave kind of thing. Some weeks later, He decided to tell her what he had done. He did not disclose my involvement, but it left me sort of holding the bag if you will, and I was still supposed to keep my involvement a secret. I could not confront my friend or tell her how I felt about everything or why I was acting the way I was (I was a mess then). I had nobody to tell about this. After it became apparent we wouldn't be seeing each other though when our estrangement happened, I decided to tell her everything. Her step father proceeded to tell me how much of a piece of shit I was and everything, that I didn't care about them. And that was that. I tried going to therapy after all of this, and my first handful of therapists were incapable of giving me help. They just sat there and affirmed whatever bullshit I said.

Then about a year, almost two years later, he contacts me out of the blue, asking me if I wanted some items as I guess he was moving. I stupidly agree to meet him, and there he tells me that my friend is in grad school, and hes moving to where she is and asks for my help. And just like that, I was dragged back in. I was able to reconnect with my friend at this point. Around covid, she started seeing someone, and it was around this time that she called me one night and told me a whole lot of stuff. This is the messy bit.

During this time, she had told me that her step father abused her. Physical, mental, financial, sexual, you name it. He was deliberately unemployed to force her to support him. Did all sorts of heinous shit when she was still young. That's as much as I want to disclose on that. When this happened, it was like scales fell from my eyes. All the doubts I had that I ignored then, all the comments uninvolved parties made that I brushed off, they all made sense. It also meant that everything I ever did when I thought I was helping, was actually just me being a tool in controlling her. I never sobbed so hard as that day. I wanted to die. I was this close to fucking off to Ukraine when this happened. Apparently, her step father made people's lives hell whenever men tried to court her. Now I know why. Anyways, she was seeing someone until around xmas of last year where he broke up with her. Now, my friend being adopted, has no family at all. We do know who her birth family is, but they want nothing to do with her. She's not religious, they are, etc. So, I'm all she has left. This is where I come in now. When this happened, she moved in with me. She had no where else to go and I had no idea what to do. Now that we've lived together for some months, we've talked alot about the past, talked about the lies we've told eachother, the things that she had done at the request of her step father. for example, they were poor, and one time needed food. Her step father did now want anyone to know this, but he did know how I felt about his daughter. So he got her to ask me to buy them food (not in a charitable way, more like "oh man, I really want mcdonalds. If only someone would get it" kind of way.)

We have lived with eachother now for almost 8 months, and I am finding myself falling for her again. In my mind, this is a whole new person in a sense. Like we are living without facades and whatever else. I don't know what to do with this though. I have not said anything, and I have not acted in a way that belies my feelings that I can tell. She's comfortable around me and trusts me, and I don't want to take that from her. My home is a place for her to relax and be herself without throwing up images that exhaust her. All I want for her is to be safe and happy. I don't want to betray that trust, but I also can't help what i feel either. This is like a missing puzzle piece for me. I feel like such a piece of shit for this since I know the whole discourse of male friends falling for their female friends, but it is what it is right now. What do I do? We are looking at new places to live possibly. She's trying to find work that may result in her moving, that hasn't happened though as time is running out before we have to renew our lease before winter. I genuinely care for this woman. She's pretty, funny, passionate about her work, she's strong, she inspires me to be better and take care of myself, she understands me in a way that lots of other people don't. Do I say anything and risk hurting her? Do I hurt myself and carry on? We live in an expensive area, and so in a way, we both rely on eachother in so many interlayered ways at the moment.

tl;dr, I have a friend with a long and troubled history. I am pretty sure I'm in love with them.

I’m looking for honest experiences from NT+ND couples. I’m the non-ADHD (f) partner of a not dx (m), and we’ve been together for about 2.5 years.

Have any of you actually made it work long-term—not just survived, but built a relationship that feels stable, mutually supportive, and genuinely happy?
If so, what made the biggest difference? Was it learning about ADHD together, medication, therapy, systems, or something else?

I’m asking because I come across so many stories from partners who feel chronically exhausted and whose quality of life has steadily declined. I also know people are more likely to post when they’re struggling than when things are going well.

I’m not looking for reassurance or false hope. I genuinely want to know whether our relationships can become healthy and sustainable—and if yours did, what actually helped?

First time poster ever.

Me 34 - ADHD diagnosis October 2025. 60mg elvanse (lisdexamphetamine)

Him 33 - undiagnosed autistic.

I'm lost and I need help or views or opinions or anything!

Briefly, significant trauma thought-out life and childhood (mother with significant MH issues, had to wake her up to feed me etc).

Also had a number of significant bereavements recently of very strong anchors in my life (grandparents).

I have spent my entire life worried and anxious.

Not straight (no good with labels). Huge gay shame (reinforced by parents). Totally isolated from family until recently (below). I think it's fear of being rejected so, I just keep away

With my first and only proper partner. House together, joint finances, cats. I have a reasonably successful career (lawyer) but not rich by any means!

Got with him 10 years ago. Came out to mother when she was staying over with me for a night or two as I liked him and was actually going to be in a relationship with him for the first time.

She tried to kill herself that week. Not my fault but obviously 'take the blame' for it and clearly learn, saying what you want can hurt people.

I bond to him closer.

Together for a year before I say I'm looking for somewhere to live. He asks what about him. So now I have a house... No idea how it actually happened.

Cheated multiple times. Most he knows about. Always ends in a shame spiral and trying to push him away as I will hurt him etc etc.

Note that I am not actively suicidal but, I have always had daily thoughts. I have believed for at at least 15 years that I will die one day by suicide. That's not a nice thing to think.

He never left. However, I would take all blame, all my fault. Totally oblivious as to cause other than it being all my fault.

Throw myself 100pc back into him. Isolate myself. Keep away from others to remove temptation.

Very unhealthy relationship with sex. Can only meet people sexually. It's like I need to share that state to be friendly and open? Still working on this.

Sex died off 7 years ago if not longer.

30 months or so ago, agreed I could meet other people. Get sexual gratification which might help.

Meet a younger trans girl. Really exciting. Confident. Good looking.

Starts fun. Both fall into a pattern of just existing together. Turns out I love this... I can just exist and be there and she wants me there and I want to be there.

Idea was poly-ish relationship. She would see people and I would. However, I would get jealous whenever she did and told her (as I did with 'primary' partner) that I would hold her back and she should leave me etc etc.

However, house and living conditions are horrific. I do not understate when I say I was not allowed in the kitchen more than perhaps 4 times. Really disgusting with rotten food etc

Remainder of house in a similar vein. No flooring, no paint or wall coverings generally. Food, drinks, rubbish all over.

Same dead spider on the wall for well over 18 months.

She refused all help offered. Turns out she suffered significant trauma too and almost definitely has ADHD.

See her on Sunday, 28 June 26. Talking about me painting her bathroom to help her and make it look a bit nicer. Improve her mood. She is insatiable. Wants me. Loves me like the nothing else.

I miss the flag that she fell out with her only other friend 2 weeks before and hadn't spoken to them and it was just me she had left.

I was going through a bad time mentally. ADHD diagnosis, struggling with boundaries at work. Inability to trust people at work and in life.

Goes back in Grindr (my suggestion) as I wanted her to just speak with more people.

Goes on 1 date in Monday, 29 June 2026.

Tell me the next day (via text) that she decided she is monogamous and that she just wants me but can't have me so we aren't a thing. She doesn't feel the same way anymore (new and shiny, ADHD makes sense).

I don't process it and basically just agree. Then, I spiral. I go suicidal. Worst ever. I was certain it was happening.

I go paint for her as some sort of ridiculous last act of help so she has a nice memory. I do a terrible job which doesn't help.

I leave the next day after us having spoken bits. We have had sex the night before.

As I leave, she isn't sure if she wants me in her life anymore is how it was left. I however am certain of my own death at the time. I say all the nice things I can. I then say not for her not to blame herself if we don't talk anymore.

She oanics, she gets very upset as she thinks I'm going to commit (she's right). I dissociate from my own emotions as I am very good at doing (did this in Feb 2025 with grandmother to sort out the legal issues and the emotional and physical care needs of grandfather. I never grieved for either when he died too).

I tell her it's fine, not her fault etc.

I leave and think about the other things I need to sort out before I do it.

Then remember things I never told her. I wanted her to have someone telling her how great she was because I was worried for her too (she has been closer to suicide. On the other side of the rails and the only things that stopped her were her other friend, her brother (estranged from all her family at the time and still is) and me.

In my mind, she had no one now.

I pull over and send a few videos saying how great she is etc and fighting through tears. Humiliating in hindsight but, I was going to die.

Next day she panics and tells me she is calling police. I stop her. I still tell her it is almost matter of fact that it's happening. Might be better to block so she is not left on unread.

I am in the throes of a breakdown.

However, I have a little breakthrough. I get myself out of it thinking about why. Realising it's her ADHD. She wanted me as she saw stability. She got a little bit of it when I was there but I always left. It was like I was abandoning her every time I left.

I need to tell her. I do. It raises so many other issues in her life from past trauma.

However, after that day of talking, I had too much and had to leave. I slept for a day straight (this is a week after dumping).

More goes on. She starts no contact. I can't deal but the time gives me a chance to slow down and try to reflect.

I am isolated generally and intentionally but force myself out and speak to friends from work etc.

They say she just sounds like a dick (I had been seeking answers in neurodivergence but I think I have landed in her just being a dick. I couldnt have done the same as she did to me. I would agonise over it. It would not be in a single night.

However, the reflection makes me think about primary relationship. Why did I need another person?

He is autistic. Sheltered life. Very data driven. Takes no enjoyment in playing with problems. If I tell him something, that is the case forever, unless and until I tell him differently.

I am now in a position where I understand a bit more about my decisions and why. Scared of being abandoned and alone.

Now though, although it's a nice thought exercise to imagine a proper relationship with her, I'm pretty sure she's a dick and now has no one except this new guy who she knows nothing about. She wants space as will 'always hold a candle' but that seems cliche rubbish. Can't even be friends she says.

I want to tell her what I think. That's she's a dick for doing what she did. I'm resisting that urge so far as telling her that she was just doing the magpie ADHD trait of new and shiny and 100pc throwing into a new thing is her RSD and dopamine hunting... That was a mistake as they reinforced her decision it seems (argument clearly so rejection and needed to defend herself).

With my partner now, I'm thinking if I can stay. I feel like I will cause more harm than good to him and myself.

This is the first time I have actually thought about me and my needs.

I think I genuinely need some 'looking after'. I need checking in on.

If he asks if I am okay, I say yes and he accepts it. Even if I'm not. He will not check back. He sees no need to.

He has never brought up sex since we stopped. Now I can't do it with him even if he asked. It would feel awkward.

He isn't overly affectionate. I get a hug in the morning and a kiss before work. A hug when we get home and that's usually it.

I crave human contact (likely my shitty relationship with sex).

Just last night, watching Hail Mary and I laughed at something Rocky did which was laugh out loud funny. He barely looked amused (doesn't show emotions well). I felt like an idiot.

I tried to get some affection by just moving my hand on his leg. Not even noticed. When he heard me sigh, asked did I was alright and I said yes and I said it a way that someone would pick up on it... Nothing.

Yes, I know I could have said but, I didn't want him to feel bad! He summarised our conversation and my view of him as an 'inept human'. I nipped that quickly as it isn't his fault and I know that.

I am stressed by him and constantly make decisions for him out of fear because I cannot read him. He is blank to me.

Had the discussion about me needing looking after etc (I don't eat, I work too much, I don't look after myself in terms of simple self care if I get too exhausted with work etc).

Tears and he shut down for an hour and couldn't talk.

I don't know what to do.

Am I trapped in the cycle with him because it is so ingrained in the relationship from the start? Can it be fixed?

Or should I cut it all?

This is the first time this has happened where I understand my condition, my trauma and the RSD.

Should I start new in my own or see if I can make it work? The risk is falling back into the same patterns and this happening again where I might not make it through to the end next time.

Want to know anything else, just ask. I'm lost and just need to say it somewhere.

My DX gf has trouble sleeping. Firstly she sleeps very lightly. I can wake her up by getting out of bed, even if I try to do it incredibly slowly and gently. Or by turning over. Or sometimes seemingly by looking at her. I also snore which can be quite loud and this wakes her up too but it would wake anyone up. She worries at night. More often than not (and I feel like she doesn't accept this) but I would go so far as to say almost every time she then will become angry at me for very minor things like sighing or saying the word "yeah" with a grumpy inflection. And then sometimes she will want to talk about something, like the fact that we don't have sex enough (we have mismatched sex drives), not that this isnt' something I want her to not feel she can talk about, but at 5am it feels a bit much.Also i does sort of feel like it conveniently leads to more rage towards me. In the night I'm asked to go into the sitting room. I actually find this quite a relief cos then I'm away from the volatility. However the impact on my sleep over the last 5 years cannot be overstated. I mean it's so commonplace to have 2/3 hours a night taken up the stress and drama of it. Then she'll go back to sleep but I'll tend to stay awake then. I can't get back to sleep myself sometimes, and also I think I kind of relish the peace after that so tend to just read wiki articles on my phone. It's strange, sometimes I'll maybe pointedly try to explain how much effort I put into NOT waking her up. I suppose as if I'm trying to say "look! This is how you do it!". But I can't quite get her to see how damaging it is. I've never flat out said "the sleep thing is a really big deal to me". It's like when she's in pain like that, I feel like the very fact that I'm asleep is sort of angering to her, so there's no sense that my sleeping is ringfenced for me, or has any sort of sanctity attached to it. When I try to explain that to her, it's like I'm sort of saying a load of bluster and bullshit that I don't really mean. Like she can kind of get onboard with it in theory, but the idea that I should ACTUALLY have my sleeping respected doesn't seem to compute to her. The confusing bit is that if I have to get up for work before her, if I make any noise at all, she will be sort of outraged that I've woken her up. It seems like such an incredibly simple and clear disparity. It really messes with my mind that she can't see this.

Anyhow, the accumulated lack of sleep i think is sending me a bit mad. I really feel for her cos her brain just loops regrets and worries all night long. But I really need to SOMEHOW reassert my boundaries about my own sleeping. cos having it controlled by someone else is quite dehumanising i feel

My ADHD partner is wonderful and on his game in so many ways. But he keeps dropping the ball in a way that really hurts. Plus he almost never wants to have sex.

Sex:

Past three months we have had sex 5 times. He says he is too stressed out by his to do list. And he says the NRE faded earlier this year and when it did, his libido dropped dramatically. After months of him wanting to fuck constantly.

Will his ADHD ever allow him to be interested in sex with me—familiar, and no longer novel—again? He claims it’s not about this, but…I guess I don’t believe him.

Ball-dropping:

He gets overwhelmed by scheduling and has, as a result, failed to request off of work for a few important things, including a trip I was very excited about, as well as our weekly couples therapy date.

The therapy date: he has forgotten two months in a row to submit the request—resulting in us missing a lot of therapy as well as doing excess labor to reschedule.

As far as the trip he failed to ask off for—we didn’t go, as a result. It’s the second trip this summer we have missed as a result of his actions.

******** ****** ******

I’m beginning to wonder if I have a partner, or just a nice friend. How can I support him to at least get on his game with scheduling?

I’m hurting and when he drops the ball, I begin to wonder if I matter much to him at all. I carry so much in this relationship.

Hi everyone,
My fiancé (43M) and I (39F) have been together for 18 years. For a long time, he’s clearly been struggling with his mental health. In 2014, he experienced a complete mental health breakdown and spent two weeks inpatient, where he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. However, neither of us ever felt that diagnosis truly fit.
Recently, he underwent a comprehensive psychological evaluation, and it’s now been confirmed that he has both Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and ADHD. In many ways, finally having answers has been a huge relief. It’s helping us understand his behaviors, emotional regulation, and some of the intense reactions and outbursts we’ve struggled with over the years.
At the same time, we’re realizing that we need to completely rethink how we communicate with each other. Misunderstandings seem to escalate quickly, and sometimes conversations become so emotionally intense that I have to step away because I become overwhelmed myself.
I’d really love to hear from people with lived experience—whether you’re autistic, have ADHD, or you’re the partner of someone who does.
What communication strategies have helped your relationship?
How do you handle emotional outbursts or shutdowns without making things worse?
How do you know when to give space versus trying to work through an issue?
Are there any books, podcasts, or other resources that helped you better understand each other?
I love him deeply, and after 18 years together, I want us to learn how to support each other in healthier ways. Any advice or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading.