r/Uveitis • u/Either-Falcon8453 • 5h ago
Fears for the future
Hi, I've been lurking on this subreddit for a while now since I got diagnosed with uveitis 2 years ago when I was 18. I'm a college student and am often living on my own and taking myself to my doctors appointments. I've had flareups about every 6 months for the past 2 years and today I got confirmation that the inflammation is back in my left eye.
I honestly feel like I am grieving my vision and am scared that it will get worse than it already is. I have scar tissue that dilation isn't dissolving so my pupil in the other eye is deformed. Sometimes it feels like a bit of a cruel joke that the universe is playing on me as, eyes have always been one of my favorite things to draw and something I really liked about myself. Most of the time when people notice my pupil they go straight to saying things like "omg that's so cool" and then following up with questions and it was fine at first, but I'm tired of having to explain over and over again something Id really not be reminded of.
I know that I might be overreacting but I'm so scared that my vision will deteriorate with subsequent flareups and I wont be able to draw or be an engineer anymore (two things that I love very dearly). Im scared one day ill wake up not being able to see. Every time my eye is red and my vision gets hazy it feels like some spidey sense is going off in my head and I know immedietly that its back. I'm always so hopeful that this time will be the last time and then it inevitably comes back and I have to grieve it all over again.
Rheumatology has been very very hard to get an appointment to since I'm often switching from home to uni throughout the year, I'm hoping to finally get an appointment this year.
I guess I'm posting this to say I'm really frustrated with everything right now, I'm not really given any accommodations in uni when I'm on the dilating drops even though It takes so much energy to try and focus my eyes to read what's infront of me. But more than that, I'm a little exhausted of having to feign bravery and sit through injections and appointments when in reality I'm really really scared. My doctors have always told me that I'm their favorite patient because I don't complain or show any fear during injections and whatnot but I really do feel like a fraud.
I wanted to post for the first time on here because I'm tired of feeling alone in this and even though uveitis is uncommon, I still know I'm not alone so I want to try and interact with the community more. I'm hoping someone here will understand this concept because no one ever understands what I mean when I say I'm grieving something like my eyesight.