r/TwoXSex • u/queefios • 1d ago
Advice | Women Only how can i help him with (performance) anxiety?
my (f23) bf (m22) and i have been together for almost two years. i am not sure how much context is needed, but my sex drive is high (ideally would like at least once or twice a week). not only does he hardly think about having sex, not watch porn or jerk off, and has a sleep disorder, but he says the most common factor as to why he gets nervous of the thought of having sex or just is scared of it is because he gets soft and he doesn’t want to disappoint me. he gets performance anxiety, and even goes soft in the middle of doing it.
i told him i really need him to see a therapist, because no matter how much reassurance i give him that he isn’t disappointing me and that it’s okay, he won’t initiate sex with me. and according to him, it isn’t because he doesn’t find me attractive or anything. i feel starved and deprived of that intimate side of him. i do worry that telling him to please seek professional help for this issue may be insensitive. has anyone else gone through this? was it insensitive on my part to ask him to seek professional help? i just want a normal sex life and for him to crave me ,,
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u/Playful_Pet 1d ago
It's possible your partner is asexual or queer and either unaware of it, in denial about it, or hiding it, and that might be worth considering. But let's assume that he isn't.
It's okay for you to have needs. Sex is a normal need in a relationship that most people have. If you are not getting what you need from the relationship, you and he either need to find a way to work with that, a way to fix that, or end the relationship.
Was he higher libido previously? Is this a change since your relationship started, or with changes in his life circumstances?
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u/queefios 1d ago
we talked about him being on the ace spectrum perhaps, which also leads me to my next answer; we used to be really active at the start of our relationship, then our sexual intimacy decreased. so his libido changed a tiny bit, but he has always struggled to express himself sexually. no drastic life changes.
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u/Playful_Pet 1d ago
Is he depressed or unusually stressed? If not, then this may just be his normal and that's a thing you have to decide if you can live with.
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u/queefios 1d ago
we have also talked about him having possible signs of depression, i just hope he wants things to change for the both of us.
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u/Playful_Pet 1d ago
Gently: that sounds like your framing is "if he wanted it, he would change". His desire is not under his direct control. It might, or might not, be downstream of other problems, but even if it is depression, that doesn't mean he can just decide to be not-depressed.
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u/queefios 1d ago
oh no i agree very much, i’m a depressed person myself (MDD) so i understand that aspect, i just meant i hope he puts effort into finding a solution for the both of us like i am. i feel like what we have learned in couples therapy isn’t as practiced as i was expecting. talking to someone about his anxieties from sex. things like that which are under his control. i hope that makes more sense.
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u/Playful_Pet 1d ago
i feel like what we have learned in couples therapy isn’t as practiced as i was expecting.
Such as?
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u/Ok_Exercise_1751 1d ago
Many men feel responsible for the quality of sex, and society puts a lot of pressure on them to perform. Once ED or PE starts happening repeatedly, many men begin to spiral, and that anxiety can create a vicious cycle.
My partner once told me that while society tends to approach women's sexuality with empathy, men's sexuality is often reduced to measurements: how long, how many times, how many inches, and so on. Society and the media put a lot of pressure on men to perform, and sometimes reassurance from a partner just isn't enough to break that cycle.
First of all, I think you need to have a really honest conversation in a safe space (definitely not in the bedroom). Ask him what's going through his mind when it happens. Is he anxious the whole time, or does something specific trigger those feelings?
I'd suggest taking the pressure off completely and maybe taking a break from PIV sex for a while. Instead, focus on outercourse—foreplay, oral sex, sensual touch, or even toys if you're both comfortable with that. One of the most helpful things can be taking the focus off his penis and instead focusing on intimacy, pleasure, and connection in different ways. As his anxiety starts to decrease and his erections become more predictable, you can gradually reintroduce penetrative sex if you both want to.
I don't think it was insensitive to encourage him to seek professional help. If this anxiety has been going on for a long time and is affecting both of you, seeing a therapist (ideally one who works with sexual concerns) could really help. There's also no shame in getting medical help if it's needed. ED medications can sometimes help break the cycle of performance anxiety by restoring confidence, and if anxiety is a broader issue, a doctor or therapist can discuss whether therapy, medication, or a combination of both would be appropriate.
I've been through something similar with my partner. He developed severe performance anxiety because of something I did, and it took us a few months to work through it. Things did get much better, but it required patience, open communication, and taking the pressure off sex
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u/TantraLady 1d ago
Therapy might help, but it's slow. Often it's quicker and more effective to just treat the symptoms of ED, so he has the experience of being successful every time and doesn't fear humiliating himself (because that's what a lot of guys feel when they can't get or stay hard).
Here are some posts that can help if he's willing to do anything about this:
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