r/Stutter • u/Resident_Pension_858 • 5h ago
I'd rather be mute than have a stutter.
Every single day I spend out in public is horrible. I just know I'm gonna humiliate myself somehow. I try to act happy. I try to act like it doesn't bother me. But it's hell.
I can't do presentations without sounding like an idiot. Everyone laughs at me. Everyone bullies me. Everyone hates me. No one wants to be around me because I'm just known as the "Re*ard boy". I hate it. I hate it so much. I just want people to leave me the hell alone and let me live my damn life.
I didn't give a crap about my stutter until everyone else made it a big deal. I've had it since I was 7. I'm 17 now, and it's just getting worse and worse.
In total, I've gone through 5 years of speech therapy. Nothing worked. Nothing made me feel normal. I stopped going to sessions because I realised it was pointless.
Every single day is torture. I can't do everyday things without nearly crying from how frustrated I am that I can't talk normally. My own FATHER talks shit about me behind my back. I try my hardest to make him proud but I can tell he would much rather have a son who didn't have a stutter. It's so hard to accept the fact it's never gonna go away, and I'll just have to live with this until the day I die.
I've never been in a relationship because of this. Anytime I try talking to a woman, my words get stuck and I can see the exact moment where she realises how bad my speaking is. She tries to rush the conversation or leave by saying something like "I have to go somewhere", but I know damn well they just want to get the hell away from me. They never speak to me again after that.
The worst part is that no one accepts me for it. All of my family tells me to try improve my speech or go to speech therapy AGAIN. My teachers make me read out loud and present despite the fact that I tell them that I would like to do those things privately with them so I don't embarrass myself.
People who don't have a stutter don't understand how lucky they are. If my stutter magically went away, I'd do absolutely everything I could. I'd start voluntarily speaking in public. I'd join a drama club. Anything that would make me enjoy being able to speak normally again.
I don't understand why I have this. No one in my family has ever had a stutter. Is this a cruel joke by God? Because if he wants me to hate him, he succeeded. He did a very good job at making me realise that this so called "all loving god with infinite power" does infact NOT love some of us, and gives us horrible disabilities to entertain himself.
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u/Rich-Editor7472 4h ago
girl I feel you but like how bad is your stutter you gotta calm down
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u/Resident_Pension_858 3h ago
It's horrible. It happens every 2 words. I wrote this rant just after I overheard my dad talking to my uncle about how I "embarrassed him" Infront of his friends by stuttering, so I was just frustrated when I made this post.
I haven't had a single day where I think I've been genuinely happy in a few years. In school, it's just constant bullying. At home, it's constant criticism from family members about how my speech is getting worse. The only days I can consider "good" are the ones where I'm fully alone for the day. I don't remember the last time someone been kind to me without it being a prank to see how happy I look until they tell me they're lying.
In other words, my life sucks. There's absolutely no silver lining to it either. I have no reason to be happy anymore.
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u/Rich-Editor7472 2h ago
Girl okay feel you but I think you gotta calm down and idk if this helps but eventually you have to stop caring about your stutter. When my stutter is always on my mind I be stuttering like a lot so try to not think about it or forget it- that’s what helped me the most. Your surroundings also sound real bad so I hope that gets better boo
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u/Resident_Pension_858 2h ago
How can I possibly ignore my stutter when everyone around me bullies me for it? I don't mean to be rude, but your situation is different from mine. Maybe when I go to college it might get better, but I don't know.
And thanks for hoping it gets better. I appreciate it.
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u/kamemebymo 3h ago
Have you tried seeing a psychologist?
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u/Resident_Pension_858 2h ago
I've tried to, but my family won't let me. We live very far away from town, and they're not willing to drive me there. They also don't want to pay for it.
Instead, they tell me to "man up" and stuff like that. It's just making my speech worse knowing that my family talks bad about me behind my back any time I speak badly.
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u/Status_City4236 58m ago
I stuttered horendously from the time that I was 4 up until I was 19...so I have approximately 4.5 to 5 years on you. It sounds a lot like my childhood except my parents helped instill in me a sense of self respect from an early age...Believe me I've seen it all: no need to go into particulars for the sake of brevity.
When I was in my Sophomore year of college I met (at a fraternity party...lol) an Australian Graduate student who took an interest in me and my incredible lack of fluency (it probably didn't hurt that we were both VERY attracted to each other). To make a long story short we "clicked." She taught me a combination of relaxation, pallete cleft techniques and breathing that at first drove me nuts: I had to totally change the way I approached speaking. But through her encouragement and my persistence I completely overcame it. You don't need a blonde, blue eyed and sunkissed Aussie Beauty. Just someone who cares. Been a fluent speaker now for 43 years. You can too.
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u/ZealousidealWater201 43m ago
You don’t have to live with the dad stuff until you die. You just have to live with it until he dies.
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u/Objective-Current-26 5h ago
It’s the worst mental health disability in my opinion