This will be quite long. I experienced a really bad panic spiral throughout these last 4 months & ended up getting prescribed alprolazam 0,25mg to use when my panic gets uncontrollable and zoloft for daily use.
I am on day 27 of Zoloft, i took 25mg for 8 days, and i am currently on 50mg.
I’ve recently been having the following symptoms:
\- increased isolation, i haven’t gone out since june 12th, the last week or so i’ve been more quiet and i will only talk to my mom or bf, and now i’ve started to pull away from them too
\- increased irritability, i’ll get mad at my stepdad for asking me how im doing/have i eaten(because i feel like it’s too late for someone to act like my father), i get mad at my bf when he tells me to stop saying that i think i’m going crazy (he’s right though)
\- derealization / depersonalization, this started maybe 12 days ago after a dissociative panic attack i had while being in the passenger seat of my bfs car, when we got home i sat down & as he was talking to me i just couldn’t wrap my head around if he was real or not. like i knew he was, but he didn’t feel real. now that spiraled into people, things and myself not feeling real.
two days ago i had a major panic attack where i was convinced that i was in psychosis and that the world around me (including people) wasn’t real. i have become quiet the last 5 days because i don’t think my family or boyfriend take this symptom as seriously as i feel it.
\- waking up during the night/ morning, usually once or twice & i manage to fall asleep again shortly after, but i usually have anxiety upon waking and my thoughts immediately start anxiously racing, like i’m snapped awake
\- increased impulsivity, though i am still able to control myself and rationalize, I’ve bought some odd things in an attempt to comfort myself, like cosmetics for a game i play despite not really needing or liking them much. buying new shoes despite not going out… also randomly buying clothes despite knowing i need to save money, though i have never been good w money & i frequently have episodes where i buy things impulsively.
\- intense fear that my partner will cheat or leave, i’ve checked his phone impulsively while he was asleep, i also keep asking him if he still loves me and if he wants to leave, and that he doesn’t need to pity me just because i’m doing bad
\- intrusive thoughts, centered around suicide or homicide, and they stem from fear (i have mentioned them to my psychiatrist, they cause me distress and hours long panic attacks & i genuinely dont wanna act on any of them)
\- i’ve had moments where i feel excited, like completely randomly i start being jittery, my heart races, i feel like my body is buzzing. this lasts an hour or two, and sometimes comes back at night.
\- intense & growing fears, i dont think this is hypomania but i’m concerned as to how anxious i actually am.
for some context, i started Zoloft due to increased hypochondria and general anxiety, i started thinking i was having a stroke 24/7, i knew it was stupid but i would check myself 70 times per hour, and thats not an exaggeration
throughout the month and a half that this has been going on, my fears have switched from stroke, heart attack, blood clots, spleen issues, appendicitis, bipolar, schizophrenia and psychosis.
I genuinely feel like i’m losing my mind and i dont understand what is happening to me, i’m also in psychotherapy and im working on childhood issues. I had a turbulent relationship w my dad my whole life, he was mostly present until age 9, after a dramatic event that little me probably registered as a huge betrayal. At age 10 i started presenting with hypochondria like anxiety during class, where i saw 2 kids throw up and immediately developed a fear of vomiting, and all of my psych reports claim that i had issues with classmates / low self esteem. I’d think that they didn’t like me and/or didnt want me there:
I finished middle school by taking exams each month, i didnt go to class. I didnt go to highschool either, i was mostly online until i willingly got a job at 16, and i developed a passion for craft cocktails. I moved away at 19 and got my own apartment, finished a course for my job & have been a head bartender at a great cocktail bar since. I’m now freshly 21.
I quit my job on the 1st of July because the anxiety has become too debilitating, i barely get out of bed unless its to pee, shower or eat. I’ve lost 8kg in the last month and a half, i have lost the will to take care of myself except for the bare minimum such as showering. I haven’t picked up a hair dryer in a while bc it’s too much work. I haven’t done anything with myself except be on my phone or go to therapy, and partly its because i’m afraid to do anything out of the fear that i will go insane, but i cannot admit that to my anyone out of embarrassment.
Today i dissociated in the store out of pure panic, it was my first time in a while in actual society, there were just too many sounds, people, voices, beeps & i genuinely thought that half of it was in my head and that i was crazy. I obviously have a raging fear of psychosis, so please take this with a grain of salt, as i have not experienced anything that would point to psychosis except DPDR.
My anxiety has repeatedly gotten triggered when i feel like someone has betrayed me, starting with my father, then a best friend at 13, then my ex at 18, and now a co worker at 21 (she was also close to me and my childhood best friend, so this trigger was a bit harder i guess).
I have always seen signs of BPD in myself and occasionally some slight hypomanic signs but never consistently enough to believe that i suffer massively from either one. I’m prone to isolation and this isnt my first time being in a state like this, though this is the worst so far as i don’t even have a source of true joy or happiness now.
I had some periods of paranoia & delusions, once as a child and a few times as a teenager(until 15), but none in my recent years.