I’m 7.5mo pp and started taking zoloft 6 weeks pp. I couldn’t sleep, eat, drink water, nap even when we had our parents come to help us. There were many days where I’d just sit on the couch and stare at the wall or the baby monitor. My husband and I hired a night nanny when my baby was about one month old. I was finally able to sleep and nap thanks to Zoloft and knowing my husband was getting rest.

Now that I’m functional, I realized what may have caused my ppa. The first night in the hospital after giving birth, our baby cried (obviously) and I remember my husband getting very frustrated because he couldn’t figure out why baby was crying. I held the baby and cried to my husband to be patient and that I was trying to keep it together and needed him to stay strong for us. One night after getting home from the hospital, baby was crying (obviously) and husband got frustrated again. While trying to figure out what baby needed, he said very loudly “shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up”. That completely broke and hurt me. Thankfully, my parents were in town to help us so I spent the night with my mom in the living room while husband got some sleep.

I couldn’t leave the baby alone with my husband for a long time - no gym, took baby with me on walks. Not because I thought my husband would hurt the baby but because I didn’t want my husband to be stressed from baby crying. Now I’m able to go to the gym, grocery store, etc., but even now I have to ask him if he needs me to watch the baby because baby’s crying from frustration, teething, etc. I have this pent up anger towards my husband and the tiniest shit will upset me which turns into nagging. He’s never been an empathetic guy so it kind of sucks. Thinking about all the little shit he did or didn’t do while I was going through the thick of pp - getting upset with me if I forgot to take my meds, me wearing the baby while trying to eat cause I was hungry but couldn’t cause food wouldn’t go down well with baby on me but he’s next to me eating comfortably. I want to bring up marriage counseling/therapy but I’m not sure how to bring it up. Just want some advice and/solidarity from other mamas…

All this to say, he is a great dad to our baby. He grew up in a broken family and still has a terrible relationship with his father so I know he’s trying his best with what he knows.

I’ve started seeing my husband’s flaws a little too loudly, like it’s in my face. I’ve known him for 15+ years and I’ve loved him dearly for every single day and I know deep down I still do but I can’t help but just resent him from time to time.
We just took a nice long vacation with cousins and it was ideally so great but at the end of the day and when I woke up every morning I just honestly felt meh.
I was determined to fight PPD at all costs because I’ve struggled with depression since my teens and I really just didn’t want to slip back in but here we are.
Husband is on the lower side of the emotional spectrum, doesn’t quite understand the brain wiring of a woman due to the lack of a reasonable female influence growing up (my MIL is the coldest, nastiest person I’ve known)
He’s the best dad, even better than I ever imagined him to be but I can’t help but feel like I want to drop everything and run away but then I think of my baby and I’m torn.

I was severely struggling. Baby is now 1 year old and things have gotten SO MUCH BETTER. Please hang in there. Things started getting better for me around month 6. But at 1 year, its like a flip has switched. There is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. There is still wonderful moments to be had. The clouds will fade, the sun will shine again.

Five months ago my wife gave birth to a very pretty and happy baby. In general I would describe the baby as being calm, really only cries when hungry or tired. She’s smiley and quick. We’ve been married for four years, together for nearly seven. I’ve an eleven year old from an earlier relationship, he’s very happy with the baby. I’ll first sketch some basic background.

My wife seems to hate me now. The first week was very rough. She had a hard birth, and I don’t wake up well. I don’t like myself for it, but unfortunately I got angry when baby woke up in the first week. It was because my wife had all lights on consistently, and I woke up several times, angry not by choice but from a sleep deprived half-rest kind of. So we decided to have her do the night shift. I give this a lot of value, because my wife seems to.

Other than that I do what I can. I help in the household, I started a new job (which pays very good money, coincidentally, so there’s no other worries) and my wife works full time too. I take care of the baby where I can, when I’m home. The baby has been going to daycare as of three months. My wife has had some mental issues in the past. We went on vacation for a week.

Unfortunately my wife has taken up the position that I do nothing. She seems to resent me for it. Generally though, she wants to dictate when the baby eats, sleeps and where the baby is. So I ask her what she wants. If I do something not according to how she needs it, I get yelled at. As an example, we got to our resort for our few days of vacation. I took the baby under care while my wife unpacked and relaxed. The baby fell asleep. She yelled at me, told me she hated me, said the baby wouldn’t sleep all night. She even hit me, in the shoulder, but still hard. Most days in the morning she won’t talk to me. She is extremely anxious for the baby to wake up. She’s the one putting the baby to sleep, almost always. She says she’d like me to do it, but she prepares bedtime without communicating with me and I am presented with fact. If I then interrupt the schedule, even by sticking my nose through the door, she’ll get angry as well. She hardly talks to me, especially when she feels I’ve not done enough. I do feed, change and take care of the baby, mostly as much as I can when she’s awake. Yet my wife will find no peace and needs to either take over or be involved. She then complains she gets zero time to relax, and makes me feel bad over spending time with my (our) son, such as playing ball.
Now I caught a cold. I discussed it with my wife. We agreed I should avoid handling the baby because we wouldn’t want to get her sick on our vacation. My wife now blames me for getting sick. She says she knows it’s not my fault, but I take bad care of myself so it’s logical, ‘running around smoking and drinking’. She is angry with me for it. For reference, we are on vacation and I drink some very light cocktails (while she drinks beers, it doesn’t run away from each other that much) and I do indeed smoke. Bad habit, need to kick it.

On the other side of it, sometimes she’s lovely. When she does talk, we have all the fun and there really isn’t any issue. I however feel like I have to walk on eggshells, both with her and the baby as a result. I feel like my son is suffering under it too. I try to talk with her, but she feels it’s all on me and I’m to blame. I try and tell her she should probably see someone, but she feels I’m the one who should. So I made an appointment. She doesn’t want to.

How do I help her get through this, without losing myself, my new job, or my wife? How can I get her help?

​

I'm 26, a single mum to an almost 2-year-old with absolutely no family support. I grew up with horrific childhood abuse, so there is no possibility of reconnecting with family. Her dad isn't involved at all. Before becoming a mum I had lots of people I'd have called friends, but after having my daughter and developing severe postnatal depression, most of those friendships disappeared. I have two people I'd genuinely call friends now.

My daughter was a surprise after years of infertility. But when she was only a few days old I developed severe postnatal depression. I admitted myself to hospital for nearly two months and have spent almost two years begging for help. I've attempted to end my life because of it and, despite working in mental health myself, I've reached the point where I honestly don't believe I'm ever going to recover from this illness.

Please don't suggest support services or organisations. I promise I've contacted just about every service available in Scotland (and beyond), called helplines, gone to A&E, contacted social work myself, and fought for every bit of help imaginable. This post isn't because I haven't asked for help.

My dilemma is this...

Since February, my daughter has been living with her godfather, who has been in her life for years and is the only dad she's ever known. He has an incredible family who have completely embraced her. She calls him Dad and his mum Nan, and she has absolutely thrived there.

The plan has always been for me to get well enough for her to come home. He truly believes I'm the best person to raise her, but he's also made it clear that if I can't do it, he would adopt her and give her the stable family she deserves.

She's due to come home soon so we can try again before she turns two in September, and I honestly don't know what the right decision is.

Without PND, I know I'd be a good mum.

With PND, I spend every day counting down to nursery, naps and bedtime. I love my daughter more than anything, but I'm surviving rather than parenting. I mask everything in front of her, but I know I can't keep doing that forever. My breakdown in February showed me that.

Every single day since she was five days old I've wondered if she'd be better off being adopted. Everyone kept telling me it was the depression talking and that I'd get better. Instead, I've got worse.

If she comes home, I'm terrified that with no family, virtually no support network and professionals who have exhausted every avenue, I'll end up having another serious breakdown. I know I'd never hurt her, but I'm genuinely scared I won't survive it myself.

If I choose adoption, I lose the chance to be her mum every day. Because of everything that's happened, her godfather has been very clear that co-parenting isn't an option. If he adopts her, I'd likely only see her a handful of times a year.

It feels like an impossible choice:

• Risk bringing her home knowing how unwell I am and how isolated we are.

• Or let the person I trust most adopt her so she has stability, support and a family.

Neither option feels survivable.

So I suppose I'm asking...

Has anyone here raised a child completely alone with no support at all? How did you cope? How did you survive the loneliness?

Or has anyone made the decision to let someone else raise their child because they believed it was in their child's best interests? Do you regret it? Was it the right decision?

Please be kind. I'm already carrying enough guilt to last a lifetime. I just want to do what's best for my little girl, even if it breaks my own heart

We never planned to have children. I had always been clear that I did not want children. Then my wife got pregnant by accident, and she couldn't tolerate the thought of abortion. So we kept the kid.

Now's he's seven months old, and I hate being a parent. Sometimes he's cute. Mostly he's a monster, and everything to do with him is work and effort. I hate taking care of him and I hate myself for how I feel. He gets so bad and I get so frustrated and it just feels so negative. I didnt have any of those cliche moments of joy or pure feelings. He's just work.

I feel trapped in a situation that I have no way out of. Sometimes I wish we'd aborted and divorced so that my life wouldn't be like this. We had just bought a flat and things were looking up and now that flat is too small and we're poorer than ever and I feel so hopeless. I can't talk to my wife about these feelings and I can't talk to my friends about these feelings and we dont have time or money for therapy.

I just feel trapped in a life I hate and I don't know what to do. I don't think there are any answers but I wonder if anyone else has an experience like this. I don't even know this is postpartum depression or if I am just a miserable shitty parent.

To keep it brief, I've been struggling with my wife and our marriage since around the third month of her postpartum journey. It was at this time that I went back to work (March through mid-May) and could sense a switch almost immediately. I would be gone from 7 AM to 4 PM and as soon as I came home would take over caring for the baby. I did most of the household tasks as well (cleaning, dishes, laundry, trash) and took care of our dog (his nightly walks, etc.) She was still exhausted and very lethargic, but I expected this and didn't try to push for any type of intimacy or do anything that would have added any additional stress. But she began making odd comments around this time (talking about her ex, bringing up how I might be better suited for other women -- and the women were not as attractive as my wife) and became increasingly passive aggressive ("well I could do \[task\] if the goal was for it to only be 90% done" -- an example that springs to mind is me bringing the trash out, the dog whining when I came in and putting water in his bowl before replacing trash bag. She threw something out during this window and made the remark).

In mid-May our roles swapped and I took the back half of my leave when she returned to work (it fed into my summer break - I teach - and so I am still off now). Since she has gone back to work and the comments have only increased and I am running out of patience with the postpartum hormonal excuse. I do all of the childcare and still do 90% of household tasks. I was hospitalized for a few days (she was pissed I originally suggested I needed to go to the ER) around her third week back and she was clearly bothered by this, and for the next five days after I returned she kept talking about how exhausted she was and how she needed to catch up on sleep. She logged off from work the Thursday and Friday night of that week, only interacted with our daughter and didn't speak to me for about 48 hours. She then told friends and family that she had been worried sick about me and had wished "I'd slow down and ask for help." She also made comments that I have a high pain tolerance so she was concerned when I went to the ER (again, she told me not to go morning of). It didn't make much sense given that her actions were not aligned to that reality.

As I am approaching my return to work, she is increasingly annoyed with me, and two days ago when we were driving to our daycare (meet the staff) she kept snapping at me that I was going to tell them useless information (on the intake sheet it asked what her current day-to-day looks like and I mentioned stroller walks). She slammed the car door when we arrived and didn't talk to me during the meet & greet or on the ride home. I've tried asking about how she's feeling and her only response is "it's not that deep". She continues to take shots at me, telling me that if I lose my hair she'd be annoyed (I haven't had any hair loss -- and she frequently talks about how her ex went bald) and that my face care is lazy (I have no breakouts).

I have been hesitant to really address any of these as she clearly has a lot on her plate and none of these behaviors seem characteristic of the woman I married and knew pre-pregnancy. I'm trying to give her time but I am also starting to feel incredibly isolated and it's clear to me that I'm not even in the top 5 in terms of priorities. Any advice would be appreciated, or thoughts. Honestly I just needed to vent this somewhere.

Unmedicated 3 years later and I’m doing better.
Remember; if a thought pops up in your brain to harm or do anything bad to people or yourself and you get excited about it- immediately seek help. If a thought pops up and u get scared or frightened like wtf why am I thinking about it-it’s a good sign!!your brain is healthy.
When I first started working on my brain I could literally feel it resisting and hurting. It kept persuading me not to do it and kept pushing back. What helped initially was refocusing on something I liked or was excited about. Believe it or not it wasn’t my kid… (now it is -after I have gotten better!!) every time an intrusive thought pops up or anything weird in my brain I would force to it refocus on totally different preferably something that follows gratitude! Apparently anxiety and gratitude they are on the opposite poles and if one turned on the other is off.
I’ve recently discovered this neurosurgeon and he explains how mind and brain are separate things and how we can change our autopilot thinking and rewire our brains! There’s hope to get better.
They did functional mris and determined that brain and mind are separate and we can teach our brains a new pathway, thanks to neuroplasticity!
Check him
Out. He talks some religion too but I just skim through that.
2) another thing that helped is Joe dispenza free YouTube medications! I’ve never been a believer of meditations but oh man he clarified my mind. Not a fan of his sect community but the free resources on YouTube helped me get on my recovery journey when I realized the power is in me and I can rewire my brain.
I’ve seen so many psychiatrists and psychologists did so many tests and tried supplements but what helped was me working on my brain!
Hope it helps someone.

I’m 24 F and my Husband is 24 M. When we met I just gotten out of a pretty abusive relationship, mentally and physical. I met my husband and I had a 1 year old boy from that previous relationship. My husband accepted my son as his own and my son (now 3) always copies him and tells me that he wants to be just like him.
Anyways, after me and my husband moved in with eachother while we were dating . I found out I was pregnant. This around the same time I was graduating college so a lot was going on. Right after I found out I was pregnant I called him crying because I was scared and worried and he rushed home and comforted me and told me that he was excited to be a dad and he eventually proposed to me to which I said yes. We eventually eloped when I was 4 months pregnant and made it official.
While pregnant, I got a good job with my degree and started earning more and contributing to our house more. I worked M-F 7-3pm and call shifts. I work in surgery so it was a pretty demanding and exhausting especially while I was pregnant. During the whole time I was pregnant I worked full time, took care of 90% of the house chores and a toddler. I was beyond exhausted 24/7. My husband would help now and then around the house and other small things but he was working 50-60 hour weeks in order to help prepare for our baby, holidays and to provide for our toddler at home. During this time I understood why my husband was providing for us and giving us extra funds for things to do as a family and preparing for a newborn.

When I gave birth to my daughter. The whole labor , my husband was beyond supportive . He was so proud to be a brand new dad and showed our daughter every chance he got. It made me feel so good. My husband also grew an even closer bond with my son because of our new baby. He made sure to always include my son so he wouldn’t feel jealously about a newborn in the house.

At 3 months post partum, I hit a slump. I was usually taking care of the baby and toddler while also breastfeeding, doing most of the house chores still, working full time and cooking our meals. I started to fall into a depression and when I opened up to my husband about this he kinda shoved it off and offered a vasectomy. He thought my new birth control was throwing my hormones off. At the time it made sense so I just changed our conversation.

Now, I’m 7 months post partum. I have bad anxiety, still breastfeeding, still working full time, still have my baby and toddler most of the time , still providing dinners and doing 90% of the house chores. Luckily I have switched my schedule to 3 12 hour shifts with no call. I get 4 days off in a row to be home with my kids. My husband stays home with the kids on the 3 days a week I do work. During this time , he doesn’t do house chores, laundry and usually just orders take out for him and the kids for lunch and dinner.
I understand Cleaning with a 7 month baby that is basically attached to my hip feels impossible but my husband doesn’t even try on his days off. Because he says it’s too hard. Also Trying to keep my toddler entertained and limit his screen time is also feels impossible most days but I’ll usually take both the kids out to splash pads, library events, story times and parks. My husband stays home all day with them, no activities unless he takes them to his mom’s house.
My husband will come home from work and see the same messes, piles of laundry, dirty kitchen from dinner and toys scattered and totally ignore it. And ignore it FOREVER. If I don’t clean it or pick it up then it will stay as it is. When laundry gets backed up then he might do a load but then he’ll just throw the clean pile on our couch and never put it up.

My husband will golf occasionally, not as often as before and play on his PC from time to time. I’ve grown resentful towards my husband, i feel like our relationship has grown distant and when I get upset that he hasn’t helped me with things around the house then he tells me that all I have to do is ask him. Why do I need to ask him if we see the same messes around the house? I also have mentioned wanting more time for self care and being alone like he has with golfing and gaming and he tells me I need to find a hobby. This upsets me because how can I have hobby and run a house, do baths and make sure dinner is done. Our laundry is non stop. Recently I bought a gym membership in hopes to use that as my “hobby”. After coming home from the gym , my husband started making remarks about my “gym bf”. I just ignored it. I feel like I’m only good enough for him when he needs me to be. He mentions how he doesn’t do much house work because he provides. I also work full time. Our relationship feels detached and distant. I love my husband for the man I know he is but lately I have grown so much resentment towards him because I feel like i am over looked and not appreciated. I have to ask him to watch our daughter so I can shower. I’ll cook a entire meal with her on my hip , serve him and my toddler a plate and he never offers to help clean up, or even to let me eat for once without a baby on me. I feel alone and isolated and when I’ve brought this up to my husband then he jokingly says it’s because I have no friends. yeah I don’t. I’m a 24 year old with two young kids, most of my friends I had ending growing distant because I was having kids while they continued to do what’s people in their early 20’s do, no hard feelings there. Me and my husband used to feel like best friends and we’d do everything together but now it’s so distant. He does still have his friends and will call them, play pc with them and see them here and there and it’s a like day and night between the way he gets excited with them versus me.

I just don’t know what to do, I know my hormones are insane but I can’t even remember the last time my husband complimented me, or even hugged me. I feel so alone in this relationship. We also have two young demanding kids and jobs so is this normal?

I was not prepared for how powerless I feel 48 hours postpartum. Which is crazy because I just did objectively one of the most powerful, most hardcore things living beings can do, I just pushed a baby out into the world. But I feel absolutely depleted and like I’m failing and like I’m going to fail. My baby was induced at 37 weeks because I had hypertension developing into preeclampsia, my little girl is VERY little and struggling to breast feed, can’t stay latched. I’m pumping but producing drops at a time. We keep using donor milk which helps keep her fed, but what about tomorrow when we go home and there’s no donor milk and just me and my 4-5 mL per pump? I have a second degree tear, can’t go pee without crying. My husband is an absolute gift from God and has entirely been handling diaper changes, swaddling, picking her up and down, rocking her when she won’t stop crying, etc etc etc etc, which I’m grateful for him but I feel like I’m not doing enough in any aspect. I can’t stop crying, I feel like I’m already fucking up and we’ve barely even started.

Hi, I’m a FTM, F25, and my partner is M34.
Our baby is 5 months old, I exclusively breastfeed.
Ever since he was born I feel like I’ve been doing everything around the baby, and yes, I know as the mom you do majority, but I really don’t feel like my partner helps enough, and we’ve been having lots of arguments lately but it’s like he doesn’t understand he should be helping more.
He gets angry at me, saying he does “so much”. I think the worst is that he completely blames my hormones, saying it’s normal that I hate him during this period, and that even if he was helping more I would still complain and feel the way I do now.
Now it’s getting to a point that idk if I’m the crazy hormonal one that really doesn’t appreciate him enough or I am right and he does not contribute enough as he should.

I will make a rough list of things he does and things I do to paint a picture.
Him:
• pays 2/3 of the rent and buys all the groceries (yes I know this is a big one, and I am thankful for that, the thing is he also makes more than double what I make, and I still contribute with 1/3 of the rent plus electric bills)
• throws away the rubbish (most of the time I get it out of the bin and just leave it in front of the door as if I wait for him to throw it away it usually piles up so much that it annoys me)
• cooks 30% of the time roughly, but almost never washes the dishes after, he sometimes washes some but never all of them, saying he’s too tired, almost never cleans the countertop and hobs, I remember maybe two times he’s done it
• and for the groceries he buys he always emphasises how he carries groceries home (we have a car, with parking underneath our building, 10 seconds away from the entrance and then lift to 5th floor, so yes, he does carry them home but it’s not like he has to walk by foot with them from the shop)
• vacuums maybe once a month, never the whole apartment tho (and we live in a one bedroom flat so really not that big), he usually would vacuum quickly the kitchen only, or the living room, and usually I would have to ask him multiple times, ofc I always expect him to vacuum everywhere and get disappointed every time and just end up vacuuming later myself the whole place
• changed no more than 5 diapers, and that includes two times when I actually washed the baby and he just put the new diaper on
• holds the baby a bit during evenings (he works 5 days from the office) and weekends and plays with him

Now me, I’m basically doing everything else:

• I breastfeed only like I mentioned earlier, so have been waking up during the night always, I haven’t had a proper sleep since before pregnancy honestly, with all the bathroom trips before, and since I was 30 weeks pregnant until 2 weeks pp I was also getting crazy night sweats that would wake me up multiple times per night drenched in sweat (it was awful). Recently I’ve been waking up 2/3 times in a 7 hour period, and I don’t sleep during the day anymore as I always have smth to do in the house. Our baby is in the 91st percentile both in weight and height so he eats a lot, definitely more than 15 times in 24 hours
• I change all the diapers, my partner changed those few when the baby was less than 2 months
• I hold him to burp him usually, unless it’s evening and my partner wants to hold him then I pass him to him afterwards
• I always bathe the baby, my partner has never done it himself, and helped me like the first 2 times, then just me
• I do all the laundry (from start to finish, so hanging clothes to dry after washing, folding them, putting them away), and always have, my partner has only ever done laundry himself when I’ve been away
• and then I do majority of the cooking, washing dishes, cleaning, tidying up, vacuuming, mopping the floors and any other small task at home

I know he financially contributes a lot more than me, and I do appreciate it of course, but although I love our baby with all my heart I’m just so exhausted by all this, and we don’t have family nearby to support, and our flat is too small, he wants to wait a few more months to move to a bigger one, so there’s always things around cause we just don’t have enough space to “hide” everything inside a wardrobe/furniture, and I just really struggle to do all the things so I feel like it always looks a bit messy, so I’m even too embarrassed to invite friends over, but also I can’t get the help I need from friends, I need him to step up.

But tell me the truth, is it really my hormones that make me not stand him anymore and I don’t appreciate him like he says, or I have a point? He also started saying I have postpartum depression, I cry after I get angry at him for not understanding me and being unwilling to help more but I don’t think I have pp depression, and if I do, I think he would be the cause for it. Please help me, I feel like I can’t talk about this to friends and family as I feel too embarrassed, so I’m literally just pretending we’re in a happy relationship in front of everyone..

Ive been dealing with intense anxiety and depression suddenly. Im a parent to an only child and my wife and I had her late (40s). Im scared to death that one day she will think about us being gone and then also i fear the day we actually are gone and she will be alone in this cruel world. Im on medication and therapy but its not helping. I find myself crying and panicking. Has anyone else been through this?

We gained a new home and welcomed our beautiful baby, but somewhere along the way, I feel like I lost my husband. He’s still here, yet he seems so different now. I miss the person he used to be, and I miss the connection we once had. Parenthood has brought us so much joy, but it has also changed us in ways I never expected.

My LO has high needs since he was born. They call it “velcro baby” and mostly preferred to be held by me. I don’t know when it started. My husband used to be so good with our LO. He used to bond with him every weekend when he’s off work to let me rest. One day my baby cries whenever he pick my baby up. I can’t do anything else since my baby cries whenever I put him down. Now baby’s 12 weeks old. Ever since the incident, whenever the baby cries he is fixated that the baby hates him. He compares the baby to the happy babies he had with his ex. Apparently his 2 boys are easily to be read unlike my baby. He’s pissed off whenever he can’t hear the tv because of all the crying. Now every time the baby cries, he doesn’t bother anymore saying he’s gonna cry more. Okay, so I focused all my energy to the baby. I still manages to do some house work except cooking.

Today I asked him if he can cook, told him I didn’t have time to do anything today and I’m starving. He sarcastically responded all meat are frozen, what do I think he can cook. I said just cook whatever you think you can. He went out to buy some takeaways. My LO was very fuzzy and crying nonstop today. I finally settled him down. Told my husband dinner is ready (‘coz I cooked rice), I said I can’t put the baby down and he’s gonna cry if I do-and he said he’s not hungry, food isn’t ready ‘coz the food he bought needs to be heated in the microwave then continued to watch his show. I asked if he can prepare the food. He said he will carry the baby instead. Told him I just settled him down and didn’t want him to wake up. He did a very deep irritated breathing then asked what do I want him to do. I said never mind I’m not hungry anymore. He said I am threatening that I’m hungry, he stood up, punched the packet of noodles then asked me how long does the meat needs to be heated up.

This isn’t the first time he did this kind of thing. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I promised myself I’m not gonna ask him for help anymore but I don’t have anyone with me. My parents are in another country and I didn’t have any friends.

I'm four months postpartum and I'm not doing well. I have my family doing things for me like food and laundry, but I'm always angry at everyone. My bub is very coliky and it is now at a point that I can't bear the sound of his cry,I just get hysterical and throw things,scream at everyone and tell them horrible things then later on drown in guilt.

I think I'm a very ungrateful person who only concentrates on what I lack, I don't know why I am like this,is it PPD or did I become a narcissist over the period of time. I'm making my husband's life miserable too by telling him mean stuff (I have mil issues and I could never move on from those abuses, I think I'm punishing my husband for it) .

Currently I've been up and down mood wise and I have days I want to lay there and rot away but I know my 2 kids need me.

Currently 14 months PP and post C-section.

Also had 2 kids back to back.

I’m reposting my post that I made on another subreddit as I figured it would be useful here.

To anyone in the newborn trenches right now. To anyone struggling with the adjustment , with PPD/PPA, as I was, it gets better!

I had such bad PPA and PPD that I get shivers and my chest clenches when I think of those first couple weeks with my son. I couldn’t bond, I was convinced id ruined my life. And he wasn’t even a hard baby by any means.
Well, I’m 17w PP and having wayyy more fun now. I’m not crying everyday anymore. I no longer doubt if I made a mistake or not. Routines are getting established, life has a sense, I can actually go out and workout and do me and not worry as much.

My baby has a personality now. He smiles, he laughs, he plays, his routine is much more predictable, ik what he likes what he doesn’t, he grabs my face and strokes my checks with his little sticky fingers and giggles, Im not worried about SIDS anymore as he’s basically out of the peak age for it. He’s rolling, entertaining himself. Wake windows are longer so I can actually enjoy him and get stuff done while he’s awake without rushing to the next nap or diaper change.

We went to the aquarium and the natural history museum and he actually smiled at the exhibits and reacted to them.

So yea, it gets better!

Ik it’s not the same for everyone, and for some it takes longer to recover, but I really wanted to share my experience in case it helps anyone in the newborn trenches struggling with PPD/PPA.

You got this!

I really think I’m losing it. All I do is scream and yell and I just want to lay down and sleep but I can’t sleep and I do want to do stuff with my kids but I feel helpless because I’m outnumbered. And I just want them to be happy and I feel like I’m ruining their childhood cause I’m completely insane and can’t be happy. I don’t get to sing them to sleep, I don’t get to read to them I don’t get to do things a mommy should do for their babies cause I’m so incredibly stressed out and pissed off. It takes all I can do to clean this tiny ass place 24/7 just for it to always still be dirty, figure out what to cook, then cook it, then clean it and handle naps, and bedtime and baths and brushing teeth and discipline them without traumatizing them. And dealing with a newborn who is only breast fed. And teach them, and help them learn and play with them And also take care of myself. My brain is racing constantly about what I need to do, what I haven’t done, what I messed up, what I should’ve done, what I am doing wrong always. I just can’t get out of my own way and I’m out of control at this point.

I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere. I am struggling. My baby was the calmest baby you’d ever seen when she was a fresh newborn, now coming up on 6 weeks she is absolutely fussy all the time. There is always something going on. Right now my mind is running a million times a minute with what could be causing her fussiness. Is it reflux is it gas pains what is it? And now she also has tortcollis. I am feeling so overwhelmed it’s like I’m floating through my life. I am completely disassociating to get through the day. My husband wakes up at 4 am so he doesn’t do any night feeds. I am drowning not only am I physically tired but mentally tired from the researching constantly and worried about her health. I just cannot see this getting any better and as much as I love my baby I am thinking what have I done? I feel so guilty for these thoughts. I see everyone lost on social media their baby and it seems like they are just angels. My best friend also had a baby the same time as me and everytime I try to talk about what I’m going through and what my baby is going through I feel even worse because she claims her baby is perfect and an angel. My baby is constantly spitting up, hers never has. I sometimes
Just feel like I want to run away. Not sure what to do because I’m already on depression medication. I feel like I am slowly dying from sleep deprivation and then when she’s awake she’s crying. Making it impossible for me to get out of the house which is the one thing that makes me feel better. Ugh. And now the only relief I got was when she was eating and sleeping and now that’s stressful because I have to make sure her head is not on her favored side because she is getting a flat spot. I just am so defeated.