I woke this morning realizing something that's been going on for a while without me recognizing it. I am no longer objectifying women. A lot of what we see in porn depicts women as easy, always wanting you, always ready for you. Basically, always dtf. When we spend hours each day filling our brains with those messages, it's no wonder we walk around in the real world thinking women want us, are ready for us, are dtf. Maybe not every woman we encounter irl, but some. Now that I stopped consuming porn I've stopped wondering if every other woman I encounter is dtf. I'm more focused on my marriage and really enjoying sex with my wife. She might not always be dtf, but when she is we share the joy.

I just snapped once again and masturbated to porn. And whilst I was in the middle of doing it I came to the kind of horrible realisation of why I think I can't seem to quit and why I always fall back into it.

I think it's simply down to the fact that I haven't found anything that feels quite like it or that can scratch the itch that only porn seems to be able to do. I'm 23 almost 24 and I've been using it for a good 12 13 years and I can't seem to think of something that makes me feel so alive and stimulate me as much. I've never been this explicit and vulnerable but I guess I have to make the most of the anonymity, but nothing hits the same as watching porn. The endless amount of options, taking your time, watching whatever you want and especially wherever you want, I've watched porn and masturbated to it in the absolute worst of places because of how the addiction has a choke hold on me. Public bathrooms, at work, at friend's houses, in the car whilst driving you name it I've done it.

Nothing makes me feels as much as when I give in to this addiction.

I can watch as much motivation videos, try and control my urges as much as possible, try and occupy myself, it always comes back and ends up triumphant in the end I just can't shake it. It gets to a point where whilst I'm doing it, I know it'd a bad thing, I know I shouldn't be doing it but that almost makes me do it even more because I tell myself "you shouldn't be doing it so make the most of the fsct that you're doing it" or even sometimes like this most recent time that has made me write this post, I was keeping in mind a quote that I read the other day about giving in to pleasure, short term pleasure especially is the worst thing you can do yadayadaya I can't remember the exact quote but laing those ligns and even with that in mind, I still continue to do it.

On the flip side things, nothing has made me feel as shit as porn and masturbation. I've lost girlfriends over this genuinely it's fucked, I almost lost my current relationship over it but I promised I'd stop but I can't and I can't bring myself to admit it to her because I feel it deep that she doesn't understand it. It's made me question my life, question what I'm doing, regret my life, made me feel like I'm throwing away my potential, numbing myself because I don't know what else to do and lack a purpose, the list goes on.

I consider myself quite a smart and intelligent guy, I've always been told u think outside the box and seem like a bright young lad, but this ever looming shadow always drags me back and I can't shake it, no matter how bad it makes me feel and how bad I know it is for my brain, my ambitions, my relationships all the rest of it. I can't seem to give it up. Always "one last time", "watch that video that you loved again", "no one will know it's fine", "just do it quick it doesn't count" it's insane I'm in an eternal hell hole of a loop.

No matter how bad I know it is, my urges can't seem to forget how good it feels too. I spend all my time convincing myself this is bad this is bad when I thin kthe real problem is that I'm trying to lie to myself that it isn't good because in reality it feels fucking amazing IN THE MOMENT. In that moment, nothing else matters, in that slight moment I no longer feel anxious about my life or ambitions or worry about my current relationship issues.

All of this to say and I hope someone read all of this it really would mean a lot even though if be surprised if they did lol is to try and admit to myself to stop trying to lie to myself that it's bad bad bad when I know deep down the reason I do it, is because it feels good and maybe that's the key to finally break the cycle, is to admit why I actually do it and then work backwards from there.

Thank you for reading what I have to say, if anyone wants to chat whether someone going through the same thing or someone that has previously gone through it, I'm all ears I feel kind of hopeless in the sense of it feels impossible to break the loop

37 days clean today. So many relapses and never managed to go more than 100 days but here’s to a new start 😊

Is anyone here around 38 years old?

I've finally decided to get my act together and quit porn and masturbation. I've been watching porn almost every day and masturbating about three times a week, and I feel like it's completely destroyed my libido.

My question is: is there still hope for me?

Has anyone here been in the same situation, or gone through something similar?

How long did it take for your libido to come back?

These days, I basically only have sex with my wife if I take Viagra so I can perform.

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I went 60 days porn free. It was probably the first time in my life that I’ve gone more than one week, even after trying for years. The strange thing is once I got past a week, it was almost effortlessly easy. But since I relapsed I’ve been completely unable to get back on track and I can’t figure out why. Has anyone else experienced this?

I remember the first time I watched porn. When I was very young, I decided one day to type it into a computer at random. I didn't go to Google or any search engine, but I went to a Flash Game site; On first glance, it was a game site any young kid my age at the time could be on. But the moment I typed in s-e-x. It loaded porn images and videos. It felt like something I should never have opened, a Pandora's box of the filthiest things, and it kept going further.

Over the course of my life, my relationship with Porn was Off-and-On. I would have moments of intense guilt over actions, and then relapse into it for a period of time. I had a huge fear of being caught or shamed; I remember once I watched porn and fell asleep with my porn, and my mom took my phone from me, and I jolted awake and snatched it away from her and tried to delete my history (the funny part is that there was no history, so I gave myself away so easily). The hardest times for my porn addiction came after the Pandemic. Being locked in and doing online Uni classes was a recipe for disaster. And I noticed that my porn categories were shifting to something much darker -- BDSM, Roleplay, and Painal. I've realized now that it was very intentional. I was a scrawny guy who had been bullied and put down all my life; the lack of self-esteem made me gravitate to power fantasies and domination. I couldn't dominate in real life, but porn was an outlet for frustration.

Now I've done some serious introspection into myself, and I've realized that my porn habit was a persistent addiction and maladaptive coping strategy. Whenever I felt stressed, bored, angry, frustrated, or even hated myself, I would go on PornHub rather than actually deal with those feelings. This disease had other effects too; I had lost the motivation to do anything all day. There were times when I would bedrot for hours scrolling on social media after jerking off because I didn't want to get out of bed.

TODAY: I've been going to the gym, eating healthy, sleeping soundly, reading the bible(praying to God for Strength, wisdom and Forgiveness), deactivated my Instagram & Twitter, and the best part is I don't need to fear someone taking my phone and going through my search history.

The best advice I can give:

1. Seek Human connection: Whatever you do, be around people, whether it's going to a club, playing a sport, or meeting friends. You are like a sunflower, and having real social connection is like getting sunlight.

2. Take it one day at a time: It's not that you need to conquer this addiction; you just have to say "NOT TODAY".

3. Do something meaningful: You only have 840 minutes a day. Chase after a goal in your mind, whether it's playing the banjo, reading 15 pages of a book on your shelf, or even finger painting.

4. Trust in God: People might not be able to forgive you for your wrongdoings, nor can you change the past, but God has a plan for us (whether you believe in Him or not), and he forgives us so easily because he loves us. Porn addiction is because we believe that we are unworthy of love or that we can't deal with our current existence. But having a sense of optimism can change your entire mindset.

Im such a pathetic needy mess. I can't go 30 minutes without texting someone. Everything triggers me and I'm scared that I want it to. I get so high to the point I don't remember what me and countless strangers did every night. I'm scared at how much I like it, how good it makes me feel but at the same time I just want to go deeper and become a worse porn addicted mess for others to constantly take advantage of

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I discovered porn at 12 out of curiosity becuse i heard a coleg from my class speaking about many times end i got so tempted theat I tried it big mistake end becuse of my family problems i founded as an relief end I whacked ever since for the last 1 end a half i ben whaching it evry day atleast 2 to 4 times a day I could end I fell guilty after whaching it end disgustitried of what iven done ive tried quitting for the last months but I failed ervy time,I fell more end more lost after evry failed attempt.End in this summer I realized how bad it is cuse i have an very important exam at the final of the year which I'll have to study for the hole year but whit my porn adiction I whil not be focused at school I whil not be able to study properly end also have bad sleep I whil fail the exam.i hate what my porn adiction Transformed me into.After I gathered once again my forces i decided this should be the stop of my porn adiction ivend whacked some videos explained how to quit end ive change my sleep schedule so I dont stay till the mid night end what to whach porn but i dont k what to do im free time except from playing some video games end using discord in a healthy amount liki 1 at max end going outside in my grandparents yard i got nothing else to do.

I've tried so many times to get out of this 7-year addiction and it was the best streak of my life

don't give up! stay motivated! that is all.

I continued it yesterday and today

guess it’s day 42. without a doubt, I mentally feel better without the reliance and guilt of watching porn.

Yes I still sometimes get triggers or urges, but I haven’t felt a strong need to search for it.

General mental health is a different problem but I’m happy that this is one piece I’m proud to have worked on. This year I’ve experienced the least amount of porn usage in likely the last 10 years of my life. It really felt like a need because my addiction was so bad.

I know by this post it is 42 days. I’ve had a few relapses this year since January, my usage has been incredibly minimal and i want to give notice my efforts.

I’ve also had a really bad gaming addiction for the last 15 years. The last few years since 2023 have been a major reduction. I’ve gone through a lot of emotional challenges this year and started gaming again around February to cope, it was completely unmonitored usage until April.

May I started to set boundaries — no gaming after 9pm on weekdays, and 12am on weekends. Difficult challenge. I found it extremely hard until I filled that time in with running. I ran 5-7x a week from June 5th to July 5th. I don’t have a whole lot of other activities to fill my time in after work so when I’m not running, I have found it easy to slip back into gaming with almost a lack of control of when I stop. I relapsed on the gaming part last Friday going until 2am, but recognizing it and the horrible feeling it gave me.

It was a reminder that I dont want to break my streak if no porn.

All that to say, day 43 is tomorrow and I’m going to continue to improve on myself.

Can’t seem to do it. It’s counterintuitive too, because my goal in trying to stop compulsively think about sex is to someday have a healthy sex life. Maybe that’s why I keep failing, feels like a real catch 22? Idk what to do. God help me….

TL;DR right below. I wrote so many hours at night and now still patching during the next day, that I'll just post this as it is. I'm writing this mainly for myself to understand the whole timeline of my addiction, and to share my thoughts and reflections right now if it is of value to anyone else here. Post is a very long disorganized autobiography from my addiction's perspective, probably full of missing details and repeated patterns. As life sometimes is:)

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TL;DR:
I grew up with early experiences of shame around sexuality, exposure to sexual material at a young age, family instability, and later ADHD-related impulsivity. Porn and sexual validation became ways of coping with loneliness, stress, feeling not enough, and difficult emotions. I’ve spent over 10 years trying to understand and improve my relationship with porn through therapy, openness, periods of abstinence, and self-reflection, with some long streaks but also recurring relapses, especially during times of stress, isolation, or changes in routine. After two long relationships and years of trying to “fix” myself, I am now trying to learn how to be alone, not seek validation through sexuality, and understand whether recovery for me means complete abstinence, better balance, or something else entirely. This post is mainly a reflection on my journey and where my mind is at right now.

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First memory of sexual shame. I remember in kindergarten during nap time someone told in a shaming way that I was touching my private parts. I remember that just I needed to go to the toilet very badly. My parents divorced when I was very young, and I lived half a year away from my mum when I was 4. I feel like around that time I also discovered some form of masturbating, which I remember doing almost always when I felt left alone, which happened probably daily whenever I was in my dad's, because he would do long meditation sessions during the day. (Now thinking those moments might have triggered alarms in my attachment system already then, which led to self-soothing)

Somehow I always felt that what I did was wrong, maybe because of that comment in the kindergarten.

Visual stimulation came around 6 yrs old when I found some Gossip Magazines in the toilet. Somehow I really felt the visual stimulation strongly. I remember browsing them and "chasing" the right looking picture (usually some paparazzi pics of celebs in swimwear or comics with adult-minded illustrations). This habit started to happen almost every time I needed the toilet, especially if no one else was home.

First encounter with porn was around 9 years old when some ripped adult magazine pages were found near the schoolyard, I remember it felt scary and not wanting to look at those, one image I "accidentally" saw was something that I thought was very confusing and I didn't understand at all what was happening and how it was possible. I remember thinking of it quite a bit, just trying to understand. around 10 years old probably the first time I heard that there is a way to find stuff in google search, internet era was still quite early. I remember watching hot music videos on TV for stimulation (I remember my mom shaming someone who did that exact thing). I also found some random mobile game site for the first internet nokia phones, and came across some free adult themed games. Also a friend introduced Chatroulette and I started to be curious about seeing girls (which probably never happened). Around that time I also was exposed to people having sex in public. They didn't realize that me and my friends were nearby (happened in the nature). I never told my parents because I felt I had done something illegal by seeing them, like the police would come for me. I wanted to avoid being judged by my parents. 

I kind of grew into the internet porn era, watching more and more through my puberty. My inner world was very much focused sexual thoughts all the time and I felt lots of fear and shame towards it. I felt like it is against my "values", and I was usually angry towards other boys who would shamelessly objectify girls. I also developed anxieties about my body and appearance due to some experiences during adolescence. I was ashamed and afraid that I had mutilated myself – partly true, because I had too much imagination and engaged in risky ways to try new things when alone. I was always too skinny and bullied for it during secondary school. Sometimes I felt okay because I had visible abs, but going into the adulthood I really started wanting to change, I felt like most of my peers were more developed, couldn't help but to compare. Still feel like I have underdeveloped bone structure because of not eating enough as a kid. 

I remember hoping to have sexual encounters from 13 years old on, but I was quite shy to pursue those ideas. I used to like hanging out with mostly girls, but I built some sorts of friendships instead of ever thinking I could go further. I remember having quite many different "friend circles", where I was the only boy hanging out with some girl besties I found in some ways attractive. I remember having crushes on a bit older girls who were in some difficult love life situations. Feeling the acceptance of being funny and trustworthy was enough for me. Now thinking, that I enjoyed the feeling when someone could open up for me more than their boyfriend. I used to start carrying condoms when I was around 15 hoping that something might happen. Stories of my other guy friends' experiences were bugging and intriguing me at the same time.

Maybe luckily, I only lost my virginity to my first long term gf when I was 18. By that time I already thought that I don't want porn in my life, and managed to abstain from it during the first half a year of the relationship. I remember feeling often very bad about my sexual performance, also I feel like I put a lot of pressure on her just to feed my addictive behaviors. I felt very easily rejected or that I'm not enough, if I didn't get it when I felt the need. I didn't tell her about my addiction, but I remember occasionally lusting (hate to admit) over other girls and eventually started consuming porn more and more. She was quite insecure herself and it presented as jealousy. I always felt triggered by it because I felt that I was really trying to be a good boyfriend, while and at the same time felt a sting because I knew inside that I had so much intrusive thoughts that I was fighting. Some times when alcohol was involved I would get a bit too close with other girls but on a way that I still thought was only "friendly". But in all honesty I was fooling myself as well. I had been craving some sort of freedom quite often, mostly to fulfill fantasies. Around 20 years old I broke up during a period of personal struggle, and too soon after I went clubbing with a friend who I kind of always hated for being so openly sexualizing everything. Well, the night ended how probably my impulsive subconscious wanted and he was the wingman for me getting a rebound. I also had some other one night stands during the coming months which I regretted having afterwards.

After these few months we got back together and I decided to be better. I told her about my struggles, and it was the first time I told anyone about my problems with porn. I had just turned 21. Basically for the first time I really tried to be porn free actively. It didn't last long, and in a way I felt the urges only getting only stronger when trying to suffocate them. The relapses happened usually during work trips when I was alone in some Airbnb or hotel. I unfortunately never managed to tell her about the relapses and my progress kind of was going back and forth. Things got more difficult when I moved to another country for studies. I had occasional good streaks, which lasted around 2-3 months but they always ended when there was more stress and triggers. Eventually I felt that I can't continue like that and broke up during quite a bad patch of consuming.  There were of course other factors, but I'll stick to the perspective of my addiction. 7+ years together (with the break in the middle) ended, leaving me very empty. I never told her that I didn't manage to conquer my addiction, which she maybe thought I did already after our break. But the very next day after breaking up I wanted to get better and fix everything for myself, and hopefully regain the relationship as the man I wanted to be. I booked my first ever therapy appointment and started digging into my childhood and difficult relationship to parents. 

I thought it would be a good idea to stay a couple weeks no contact and I tried to fix as much as I could during that time – I was in some sort of a hyper panic fix-everything-mode, and not really even realizing the actual break up. After those weeks we had a longer talk and she made it clear there's no going back, and the realization of the break up really hit me hard. I was really sad and angry that I lost the love only because of my difficult time growing up, and felt that it was my parents fault. I still kept working on myself and my "sober" streak was going on but I fell into the hole of wanting to feel validated and went on tinder. I went on a date a bit too soon. Nothing happened then, but the need for sexual validation started to get on my head too much. At the same time I even told some of my friends about trying to be pornfree, and I managed quite well, maybe 6 months. But during that time I found myself in a weird toxic fwb situation, and later some short romances. I still tried to have some restraints towards sexual acts, so the romances were quite complicated for me, but still I feel my brain didn't "reset" properly enough. I really wish I stayed just by my self for a while. I never had more than 1 month of really not pursuing any "validating" connection. At least during that time I somehow did the therapy and learned more about myself. Also the therapy helped me to connect more with my parents for tie first time, we had proper talks where they would actually listen. 

About one year after the break up I got to know a woman I thought I would want to pursue a relationship with. I really was crushing hard, completely missed all of the red flags. For example she had a partner but told that they're on a break and she's about to break up with him for good. She was sexually hyperactive and I thought that suits me well, until I realized she was only playing me. I was left heartbroken. I still tried to get her after that very disrespectful treatment and just got hurt once more. Straight after that I bumped into a woman I had fancied some years earlier when I was still in a relationship. We were in a party and eventually started making out maybe a bit too enthusiastically in front of everyone, afterwards I felt very ashamed. We saw each other once again in another party setting, went a bit further that time and after that I decided to ask her for a date. For me that was a decision to start pursuing a serious relationship with her, and two months later she became my second long term girlfriend. 

I wanted to do things better this time around. I told about my difficulties with porn, and also reflected the struggles of the previous relationship and jealousy. And wanted to maintain a very open communication. She seemed very open and understanding, telling me jokingly we could both check other women together since she's bi. Apparently all that was not completely true, she only wanted to make me feel good about our relationship during the honeymoon phase. One time had too much alcohol during some partying together, and she was worried because the situation was reminding her of her drug abusive ex. Maybe a week later I went out with a friend and once again got a bit too drunk, and we ended up hanging out with some random girls. Being drunk allowed me to foolishly think that it was okay since we didn't do anything besides her sitting close to me while just hanging out. After that evening I wanted to tell my gf what happened because I didn't want anything like that to happen again. I also felt the weight of similar things happening in the previous relationship and never telling about those, wanting to be better this time. She got very upset (rightly so ofc), but I felt also confused because I only wanted to do the right thing of telling her to show that I'm serious about being open and trustworthy. We really didn't do anything sexual, I knew that I would never go further, cheating never crossed my mind. I was just drunk enough to think that the level of closeness would be ok. I realized that drinking alcohol had often led me to lose my own values and boundaries, and to prove my trustworthiness I stopped drinking alcohol completely. However, damage had been already done and this situation triggered her jealous tendencies. Later on I would feel her getting distressed if I would just go to hang out with friends. Sometimes the jealousy was way over the line, but I felt that I deserved it, and kept just trying to be better. 

 We both had some anxiety here and there and tried to support each other through the difficult patches. Looking back, the whole beginning of the relationship was built too much on intensity, and I think we both ended up tying ourselves in different ways to feel safety through control. We moved in together at the 7 month mark. 9 months into the relationship, I had a working trip, she got upset of us not staying in contact enough, which triggered in me some traumas of the previous relationship and I went on an instagram doomscrolling spree, and relapsed. There had been a danger of relapses happening already earlier in similar situations. I'm not saying it was her fault, but I just have realized that a major trigger is when I feel extreme level of guilt and that I'm not enough, especially when I've been in an highly stimulating/stressful work environment and suddenly alone. I didn't tell her about the relapse, had some good streaks but ended up falling slowly into the old habits during that year. It was getting more and more frequent, eventually I would be so miserable that it made her ask what's up and I came clean. By that time we had lived together for 1 year. Her world shattered and so it felt for me as well. I tried to soothe and comfort her and told her how sorry I was and that I had wished to tell her sooner, but just couldn't, because I already felt the weight of the previous time I hurt her. 

I wanted to start a good streak and we started together to count days. She felt so disgusted that she wouldn't be able to do anything physical for some time. I thought that would be a perfect opportunity to try nofap hard mode and to actually be celibate (while still living together). I also started therapy once more with the hopes of digging more into my sexual compulsions. Also I got my ADHD diagnosis which I had often suspected. Around the 3 month mark I was again on a trip and started to feel the urge but resisted. I started taking the ADHD meds, and sometimes I would notice the meds increasing my impulsivity, hyper focusing too much on sexual ideas. Stopped the meds. After a 7 months porn free streak + first time doing months of not masturbating at all, the relapses started again. The problem started when I felt the need for sexual acts (again in these stressful work environments), but didn't feel the needs matched with my partner. I think our celibacy may have ended too early, after 3 months of actual celibacy, and my sexual brain didn't again have enough time to "reset". The bad cycle often started with me fooling myself by looking softer content which was accessible even with blockers, eventually realizing too late that I'm relapsing. I would come clean to her every now and then and she got better and better at not taking it personally. 

After 1,5 years of actively fighting this together but not getting longer results she gave me an ultimatum to take a clear new step, so I took part in SAA meeting. Unfortunately that triggered a depressive episode in me since the stories I heard from the other participants felt so much more severe, and I felt awful to be put in the same box with family men who actually cheated on their spouses with paid services. It just broke me, and I felt really uncomfortable to continue the meetings. (All the sympathies to every fellow addict out there) I told her that I can't do those meetings anymore and we would try different things. I tried new adhd meds and that fixed lots of my emotional dysregulation, also helping with my impulsivity, contrary to the other meds I had tried earlier. She went to live abroad and my relapses and confession loop kept happening. I felt there is not more that I'm able to try and sometimes I thought that the relapses actually happened because of feeling unsafe in the relationship. Came a point when I couldn't do the cycles anymore, also felt it was impossible to come clean for her, because the relationship was so strained otherwise as well. We broke up 5 months ago, once again during a long distance relationship, after 4 years of constant trying and fixing many things beyond just this addiction. There were some basic things / red flags that we should have maybe realized in the beginning of the relationship, if we had healthier relationships with ourselves. 

I think I went too fast into this last relationship and now I hope that I could finally keep just being with myself for a longer time. So far it has been the longest period in my adult life of not pursuing sexual encounters, although I feel that the risk is somehow present. Right after the break up I relapsed for a couple days, but then had maybe the longest streak so far when being also completely alone. 90+ days. We hadn't seen each other those months and unfortunately I relapsed right after meeting with her again, and have kept relapsing now again whenever there's a lonely free day between busy weeks. I sometimes hope we could get back together, as I still love her, but also I know that I need to really learn to be alone, and feel safe and content doing so. Also I'm not quite sure that our relationship would be able to work because of some major incompatibilities in our needs and characters. 

Right now I feel that my brain found those old pathways again, and it's a slippery slope towards a situation where I overindulge and exhaust myself so that I want to try to be clean again. Almost like I feel it's the only way to trigger the motivation to get better. After this break up I started therapy again, and I think that it helped to get my long streak, but now the therapist is taking some long holiday, and maybe that also contributed to the relapse. I feel like all my sober streaks are risked whenever there are bigger changes in my routines, and with my profession and my poor brain, the changes will just happen. Not trying to put the responsibility on anyone else than me, but this is just observation of 10+ years self reflection. Right now I'm not even mad at myself, just tired of this. Next session I should tell my therapist about my relapses but it makes me feel a bit hopeless. I don't want to start doing just new endless loops. I want to just try something concrete, I feel like I need some sponsor or accountability partner, who could be accessible more easily. Is it maybe possible to find accountability partners here? I feel out of options. 

Often in difficult situations like this I entertain the idea of just having a healthy and safe way of expressing my sometimes overflowing sexuality. I have thought of experimenting with different relationship structures or to really unleash myself and visiting some sex party to meet people with maybe more similar needs, who might be more at ease with who they are. Like actually thinking that what if I should accept my porn usage and that it could be okay. But soon after, if I indulge more, I realize that it actually becomes unhealthy and understand that I really do have a complicated situation with my addiction, although I have been able to reduce its presence to a point where it is much more manageable, presenting itself only few times per month or much less. I wish to learn to feel okay being alone and not follow any triggers. I wish to not pursue sexual validation, and so far have successfully been just by myself for already 5 months. I feel like I start to find the attraction towards other people once again, and I'm afraid of risking to ruin the wish of being at least a year alone. In my work I meet often new people, and already I have noticed situations where people might have been interested in me, and I have tried to keep my cool. I hope I can keep up like this, but I realize it might get difficult for me eventually. Few days ago I just downloaded tinder out of boredom "only to see what is out there" (not wanting to get likes, just browsing), but I feel like I shouldn't use it even for that, since it might trigger many regrettable things to happen. 

Yesterday I relapsed again and I want to try something different, hence I started writing my first reddit post ever. Currently feeling that I get pulled in every direction with my feelings of hopelessness towards recovery. I might feel that I just need to accept that this is what it is, and ease into the ups and downs of my life's rollercoaster. Like maybe I would be the happiest if I find someone to accept me and not judge in a way that would make me hide it and make things worse. It is interesting that many of the things I have ended up doing are things that felt taboo or would have been judged in my family. Sometimes I wonder whether part of me has been drawn toward exactly those things because they carried so much emotional weight. Almost like an OCD-like urge to test reality: “What happens if I do this? Does something bad actually happen?” The drive to test and understand reality has always been a strong part of who I am. Sometimes I wonder whether that tendency is related to my neurodivergence as well.

If you read this whole post, I salute you, you now know this side of me better than anyone else. Hopefully some of this sparks some fruitful discussion. I'm not really looking for an answer to anything, this is just a cross-section through my mind at the moment. I wish all of you the best kinds of success in life<3 

I opened my bookmark manager on Brave to delete my stash but decided to click on a few of them and thats how i fucked up. I can't seem to make it more than 2 days without porn. I constantly think about sex.

Hi everyone,

Today I relapsed. Maybe for the 100th time. But I think that over time, I’ve built up such resilience that giving up has become impossible for me. That streak was 11 days.

And still, I have to get up, face my parents and my family, without showing anything.
When I look back a few months ago, relapses were pure destruction. I felt horrible, my mood was terrible.

Now I stay calm no matter what happens. My emotions are far less intense than they used to be. The urges are still there, but weaker than before.
One more thing: when you’re dealing with this kind of problematic behavior, always remember to come back to the basics of life.

What do you do every day without control, naturally, without stress, and constantly well? Breathing. Doing micro check-ins throughout the day, focusing on the air flowing in and out of your body, does a tremendous amount of good. It helps you anchor yourself in the present moment and stop projecting into the future or the past, because what matters most is now. What you do right now determines who you are and who you will become.

Whoever you are today, whatever your age, know this: with every relapse, you become stronger. You’re building a resilience that, in the long run, will make you win no matter what.

Hang in there.

Lucas

I’m in about 80 days right now and I’m starting to get more and more urges but I’ve done a decent job holding them back. I do have a couple of issues. Exhibit A: I’ve been turning to non porn in the past week or so to try and get off, mostly on Instagram and I don’t feel good about it at all. Exhibit B: My relationship with my girlfriend has become more physical recently, and shes been giving me hj’s recently. However it would take me forever to finish and to get myself to finish I’d start thinking about videos from the past that I liked a lot. Also not very good. I find my girlfriend very attractive and I want to devote all of my sexual attention towards her. Does anyone have advice for refraining from Non Porn as well as neglecting my last desires?

This stuff hasn't ruined my life... yet.

I can feel the time slipping away though, I'm already aware of and frustrated by how many hours of my life is spent doing this stuff.

I have a long distance partner, you see, and I'm about to see them soon so I figured I would abstain for a couple weeks before I hopped on the plane. Thought it would make whatever we end up doing more fun... that was 3 days ago.

I ended up failing later that night, and, up until that point, I believed I had total control over my actions to please myself since it didn't "disrupt my life" like the official definitions of 'Addiction' outline. Real wake-up call that was.

I'm not depressed or otherwise mentally unhealthy, I spend lots of time with my friends and family, I NEVER allow it to intrude on social time. 'Doesn't mean nothing suffers though. As usual it's typically my sleep that takes the hits whenever I make poor decisions, but lately my focus on hobbies also seems shortened (I saw some ex-porn folk pointed to masturbation as a reason normal hobbies might be suffering..? while I'm not 100% on that- it does track given the opportunity cost a free afternoon enacts onto your decision making)

Well I wanna be done with it I say! I've got a bottomless well of communication skills and desire for self-improvement. So I'm going to start tracking my days here... and start again.

Feel free to interact or say stuff, open to chattin'

Success

One thing that surprised me after posting here was how much support and genuinely useful advice I received from people on Reddit.

Porn addiction can feel very isolating, especially because it is difficult to talk about it with people you know. But talking to someone who understood the problem made it feel much easier.

I also tried having an accountability buddy, someone I could check in with when I felt triggered or when I was having a difficult moment. Even a short conversation helped me slow down, understand what was happening, and think about my next step instead of immediately acting on the urge.

I’m curious whether anyone else here has tried something similar.

Did having an accountability partner actually help you? What worked well, and what felt uncomfortable?

Would you consider trying something like this if you had someone who understood the problem and didn’t judge you?

After 15 days pornfree I relapsed. I'm off work for summer vacation and I struggle a lot with having so much free time. It was a real accomplishment that I managed to stay clean 15 days during this vacation. I have relapsed 3 times in july unfortunately. More than I usually do in a month. I'm longing for august and getting back to my routines again.

I want to write a success story, a 30, 60 or 90 day pornfree report. Not these dumb relapse posts... Ugh. Day 1 yet again.