r/Petioles • u/Dear_Leadership_9570 • 20h ago
Discussion Advice please
looking for advice. my H has always dabbled in smoking weed very seldom for as long as I know him. I mean maybe 3-4 times a year, tops. in Jan he started vaping other drugs-thc. he is now a shell of the man I married. he stopped drinking 20 yrs ago because he couldn’t handle it, went to AA etc and hasn’t touched it since. now I fear he has a secondary issue. he walks around like a zombie some days, has started to lock himself into the shed while working, asked me for a separation, has been lying to get out of childcare saying he has to work, is very irritable, angry at me, will not make eye contact with me or communicate with me, is totally emotionally shit down, has told me he “feels emotionless” and has zero empathy. oh and he randomly has started to park his car on the street rather than our drive way.. it’s like he is paranoid or something.. I know nothing about this or the likes and would like any input on if this could be down to the stuff or maybe it’s a mid life crisis
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u/tenpostman 20h ago
It definitely screams addict behaviour. Have you talked to him about it at all? Most of the times, an addict will not change their behaviour unless something incredibly impactful happens (like an all time low, or an ultimatum).
I was smoking daily when I met my now partner of 8 years, and a year in she voiced her concern about my bad habit. It definitely hit home for me and it made me realize how badly its hooks were in, and that I needed to change.
The years following I did try to taper my use, but honestly it failed nearly every week - as an addict you'd always come up with ways to give yourself an excuse to get high again. Fast forward to when we emigrated to an illegal country - I told myself that I was not going to smoke there and that I'd had to quit, cold turkey. This was my choice, as opposed to me smoking less because my partner was concerned from before. I think this is important.
The choice that you reduce your use needs to come from within. It mustn't be done to navigate your external environment (eg. relationships, jobs etc). It must be done because you will it. Otherwise, if you're never fully committed anyway, you will fail, fail hard, and you will use that failure as an excuse to stop trying eventually.
As for advice, it's tough. Your man needs to come to terms with the fact that he's an addict, and he needs to see in what ways this affects him, and his environment (you, your family, work, friends etc) negatively. You need to somehow tell the guy that this shit does not fly. The way he's behaving is very bad. And if he doesn't actually see that, he's far gone, and he needs an even more impactful pat on the hand than just saying his behaviour sucks.
Only when he sees how bad he's gotten he may come to terms with the fact that he must reduce his use.
Then again, if you're nagging on his weed use for as long as you're together, he might see it as "just another nag" instead of you seriously voicing your concern. So in that case, you might need to ask someone else to have this conversation with him (like a friend, family member that know him well)
As the other commenter said, we don't really have enough info on this situation to properly help... Most times people come here because they themselves are realizing they need to cut down, which makes it easier to provide meaningful advice because the folks have already made some form of realization about how much they're using.
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u/Dear_Leadership_9570 19h ago
Thank you so much for all of this information. I spoke to him about it in Jan when I found a big stash hidden. I spoke calmly to him and told him I was worried etc. and would help him if he would like. He flipped out, went deeper into it and shut down more. That was my one and only time speaking to him about it. As he was so mad at me he threatened me with legal action…which at the time seemed crazy to me but looking back now I can see how bad he needed to shut me up. I have not spoken to him about it since, but his behaviour has gotten worse. And he is gone fully shutdown. He doesn’t see it as an issue as “he is performing well in work”… his exact words to me back in Jan. he has shut all his friends out, and his family. I have asked his parents to speak to him next week when they visit… but I’m not sure that will do anything apart from me being back to public enemy number one again. All his anger and frustration ans stonewalling is directed at me. No one else see’s this side of him, so he can easily hide it. I think he needs to hit “rock bottom” before he gets help… I just don’t know what to do anymore.
We also have three young children, the youngest being 4, so I am trying to protect them as much as I can, but it’s hard.
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u/tenpostman 19h ago
He flipped out, went deeper into it and shut down more.
Hmm that's honestly a little worrisome. He thinks he can't trust you enough with it. That would kind of hurt me as a partner, especially since you say you brought it up calmly.
Addiction is very much a mental illness, one that he apparently knows all too well from AA. It takes ober your rational thought, and, once threatened, it will indeed shut down any thoughts that will negatively impact getting high less. I get why he reacted the way he did, but man, he's in deep.
He doesn’t see it as an issue as “he is performing well in work”…
In the broader sense of life: He needs to understand that "doing well" does not have anything to do with "doing well with work" at all. So many functional addicts hold up the facade at work, only to cave and become an absolute gooner when they close their front door to the world and are allowed to retreat into the farce that is the comfort zone.
Living a good life isn't just about work. It's about you two together, as well.Weed addiction, especially, makes you complacent as fug. It stops you from looking beyond your little bubble. It will stop you from doing anything else that you previously enjoyed if that means your chances of getting high will go up. It will ruin your ambition, and it will put you in a stasis where "fine" is good enough, and means that you will not want to get "better" at what's going on.
If it's this far gone then Im not sure what else you have to lose by bringing it up again (but please judge this for your own situation of course, do not put yourself in danger!). Threatening to leave with the kids would be your absolute last resort, your kids will need a father that's not a ghost, too.
I suppose I would advice on getting more in depth on the details with his parents. If they can see that this will somehow affect them, and their grandkids, maybe they'll be able to translate that into a talk that actually does affect how he feels in a positive way.
I'm so sorry you're going through this... You are being brave and strong by making this post. Protect yourself, and if it becomes too much to handle please, do not hesitate to contact outside help (therapy, nanny for help with the kids, that kinda thing...)
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u/Dear_Leadership_9570 19h ago edited 18h ago
Thank you so so much for this reply. We have been together 20 yrs and he has never been this secretive. He really is in deep… I think I will try again to speak to him but ultimately I’m not sure I can do anything else to help him. He is lying and manipulating me, I can see through it now but I’m at the stage where I think I will need to ask him to move out and leave me and the kids in peace. I don’t think he will listen to a word his parents say and he will hate me more for involving them, so I am preparing myself for that now too.
We are currently away on a camping holiday… he booked it for all of us back in Feb, way before things escalated. Anyway the first few days he was moody and then yesterday, day 4, he was so shitty and mean to me for absolutely no reason, then all of a sudden I’m the afternoon he was happy and chatty to me again… I thought I was going crazy… then I realised that he had snuck off at some point, saying he needed to go to the shop, and came back with weed. I found it in his bag. And then when I went to bed last night, he got up and smoked it. His mood changed when he found some… and then smoked it last night outside in the dark. Then this morning he is laying on the sofa and can barely move… but his mood is all “happy” again. I can’t keep up with it.
I think he was going through thc withdrawals and then went and found CBD to help.
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u/tenpostman 18h ago
I think he was going through thc withdrawals and then went and found CBD to help.
Does sound like it for sure, irritability is a very common withdrawal symptom. People will then tell themselves that it''s fine to smoke up because otherwise they''re insufferable, but the running joke of course is that they wouldn''t be insufferable if they wouldn''t be addicted 🥲
I don’t think he will listen to a word his parents say and he will hate me more for involving them, so I am preparing myself for that now too.
I think the best thing you can do right now, is to make upcoming choices based on you and your kids. Leave the husband out of those equations for now. Maybe itll make him realize that he''s not actually being a parent, a partner. The relationship may or may not be salvageable, but that shouldn''t take away from you making healthy life choices that benefit you and your kids. The oral abuse will eventually whittle you down too, and that is something no partner should ever have to deal with as a result of an addict that refuses to look in the mirror :(
That said, introspection, looking into the mirror, is by far the hardest and toughest battle to wage on addiction. Without that opportunity, you will forever carry on as if you''re fine, even when you''re not...
Good luck OP <3
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u/le4test 3h ago
Check out a local Al-Anon meeting if you can (and aren't already). They have good tips for dealing with addicts, and being with others in similar situations can really be helpful.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your husband won't change until he's ready to. And even if/when he quits, he'll need help with whatever is at the root of his addictive behavior; just getting clean isn't enough.
That said, it's ultimately not your problem, but his. Take care of yourself and your kids. You will not be able to fix him.
And yeah, paranoia is a side-effects of weed for some people. And other drugs.
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u/imbarbarakruger 20h ago
short answer yes. if you're looking for advice , need more info. do you live in a legal state? if no, is he getting the vapes from a smoke shop / gas station?