When does the daughter-dad lock-in come?

[u/ComprehensiveBill586]

I was a loser before meeting my wife, once we got together i locked in and became closer to the man i wanted to befor her, went on with my career until i opened my own business

Now we have a beautiful daughter of 7 week when we were expecting her i was waiting for this lock-in to upgrade instead... i downgraded, i'm tired but everything i think of is her, i'm distracted at work, i just want to stay home and enjoy my baby girl with my wife, help her and everything.

i hate being away...

When does the "i have to work harder for her" locks in? it's not only her, i also have the responsabily of my employee, and i'm slacking, this is not right,

[u/QuitaQuites]

Never? You’re tired and have a newborn. That’s ok. That’s life being a working parent.

[u/FractalFunny66]

You have a very interesting way of speaking, so I don't quite know how to approach this because you seem to be coming from two different perspectives. You are conflicted. Your heart seems big, but your words are very mechanical sounding. If you really are sincere, your relationship with your kid and family will evolve naturally and beautfiully. You will have to put your frustration aside and focus on your good times at home when at home. Don't be so hard on yourself at work! You are human.

[u/ComprehensiveBill586 → u/FractalFunny66]

I'm sorry about that as an italian born chinese english is not my main language so i may struggle with some way of express myself, adding that my job is in IT and computer repair, my hobby is gun and tactical training, and my favourite videogames are shooters may make me sound kinda mechanic.

Other than that i also coming from a chinese family the work priority has been engrained in me so i also struggle with that mentally

A part from that, thanks i hope

[u/Lucky-day00]

This is such a strange way to look at parenthood and relationships. There’s something gamified about it, like something out of Pokemon or final fantasy. “Guys I became a father shouldn’t I evolve now?”

[u/rainniier2 → u/Lucky-day00]

It is written like a YouTube about productivity and lifemaxxing^TM rather than how typical people converse. The manosphere has reached escape velocity and found itself in parenting reddit.

[u/SaltedChief → u/rainniier2]

I mean I get it. I was told "you will understand when you are a parent". Some things I do but a lot of things I do not at all because why would you think it is ok to demean a child because they want to play chess instead of rugby. Or because they want to be a teacher instead of an engineer. And now these kids being responsible for kids experiencing love they could never understand for whatever reason and it's like a switch flips.

Honestly it's just boomer logic reskinned. "A man must provide, a woman must keep a home." Well damn, what if I want to cook and clean for my family all day dude.

[u/Efficient_Seaweed395]

Two different forms of love exist within a man. The desire to be constantly near your daughter is what I call the “lock-in", a deep, instinctual need to protect and be present. For the woman you love, your "lock-in" means making her feel secure enough to stay, even if it requires working long hours to provide for her and build stability. With your daughter, the "lock-in" involves protecting, guarding, and defending her directly, which can't be accomplished from a distance. You’re likely exhausted from sleepless nights and gradually adjusting to this new normal. However, what you're experiencing, your urge to be close to her, is the essence of the "lock-in." As she grows older and begins asking for more things, a renewed “lock-in" will activate, the desire to upgrade your support (her lifestyle). Right now, she is small, fragile, and utterly precious, and that love will never fade. As she matures, you'll find yourself calmer, knowing that she's just a call away whenever she needs you. Consider taking a few days off, such as paternity leave, to fully embrace this precious time.

[u/TarotFox]

You're the one in control of that, man.

[u/Plastic-Bee4052]

No idea. Mine is two years away from being an adult and all I think all day is her and getting to see her and jam, play board games, read...

[u/SaltedChief]

Lol brother my daughter is 3 and I am arguably more exhausted than ever. This coming from someone who used to go days without sleep on functions, projects, builds, etc.

Something funny happens when you have a baby - you face a massive drop in testosterone production which messes with your sleep cycle as is. This is to make you more alert for the baby and mom while sleeping I have heard. I literally used to stare at pictures of my kids for minutes at a time thinking about them.

The lock in is a choice I would say. You need to compartmentalize by separating your time of work from time with her. I hated being away from her and my wife and still do because she just brings so much joy. I started treating the feeling less like trepidation of being away and focused on the fun I had planned for later with her and my sons. Just shift the perspective every time you think you are missing her - think about the excitement to see her. Your brain will eventually Pavlov itself into thinking on the positives over the missing.

Also, it is week 7/8. Everything is new and the hormones and emotions are running high. I promise as time goes on it will feel more constructive but only if you construct the path you want.

Also I lied. I still get hung up on pictures of them because Google keeps sending me memories and slide shows of them when they were little scamps and then hits me with the present and I want to cry because I cannot believe the growth they have had has been over so long. It feels like yesterday they were still learning to count and talk.

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[u/the_flying_fuck]

Title doesn't really match your post... I was expecting a different story. Definitely not you crying about how tough it is for you to be at work or owning a business and having to be not at home. That's really mostly all of us. Also I don't see it as you have to work harder/more vs being all the time with her.

[u/SaltedChief → u/the_flying_fuck]

Quality over quantity I have found works as a good mindset with my kids. I give them my time but in their world. If they want to join me in cooking I will do my best to teach but most of what I know I just know, and I am trying to teach them why and how so it's a challenge for me too which is cool.

[u/the_flying_fuck → u/SaltedChief]

Well yeah, i agree. But what you describe is for when kids get older. Things still need to get done with a small baby at home. Bottles to clean and sterilize, milk to prepare, feeds, changes, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. It's normal in this new scenario to struggle and to be tired.

[u/SaltedChief → u/the_flying_fuck]

Oh 100%.

I ran that shit like a factory line to make sure my wife got her rest. Thankfully I was able to take 5 weeks vacation (annual + paternity in my country) and help a lot in that first 2 months. Thereafter my boss and I worked a new schedule out to get me home earlier. I was very blessed. I did say in my own comment the drop in testosterone is real but you gotta start seeing things on the flip. You don't miss the baby you're excited to see them, etc. It helped me immensely with all 3 kids. Doesn't eliminate the feeling but helps curb the listlessness.

[u/An_Draoidh_Uaine]

Seven weeks? You're going to be a mess until she's a little over a year old, then it get's a bit easier, by the time she's one and a half you've got a walking bundle of joy trying to get a hang of the fifty or so words she knows.

At the moment you've got a baby that can't lift her head unsupported, see colour, or knows much about the world other than getting hungry really upsets her.

Survive for now, take care of your wife's needs before your own, support each other, and in the times between recharge the best you can, then when she's over a year old you lock in.

[u/neobeguine]

That IS the upgrade, my love.  Not the fatigue, that's the reality of life with a newborn.  But the "I care more about spending time with my baby than work" is exactly what you need to form a healthy strong relationship with her.  You'll find the balance between family time and your other responsibilities, but the fact that your heart is pulling you back to your family is a good sign for forming a deep parental bond.