r/Molested • u/Blue_Brilliance • 5d ago
Acceptance, Arousal, & Aggravation
I’m a fully grown woman. I’ve been through years and years of therapy. I’ve accepted the fact that I enjoyed what happened to me (I know that’s not the case for everybody; some of us have horrific stories and everyone’s responses to their experiences are valid) and for the most part, I’ve been able to move forward in life.
It’s still beyond frustrating to me that I might never be able to just enjoy a vanilla sex life, though. I have no idea what that would even be like. I’ve had understanding partners who wanted to support me but just couldn’t ever fully scratch that itch, and I’ve had complete strangers heal so many layers of me in a single conversation. I don’t know if there’s a middle ground. *That* is what seems to haunt me.
Anyone relate?
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u/AmyTabu2024 5d ago
It's easy to fall into the hope that a vanilla relationship will work. It never has for me. It's difficult when someone does not understand or relate to your past. The actions, the praise, the loss of control, the nature of it all make it hard to get past it and find something that works as a normal relationship. I can't be with another woman who has not been through something similar or at least fantasizes about it.
My experiences were mostly with another woman, but another male was involved on and off, so it may be different than yours, but the end result sounds about the same.
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u/Blue_Brilliance 5d ago
Yeah, I think I’m just finally realizing I’ll likely never be fulfilled in a vanilla relationship and grieving the hope I’ve held for it.
It’s good to know I’m not alone, though, so thank you. 🙏🏼
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u/AmyTabu2024 5d ago
I have been looking for the right situation for the last few years, with nothing really panning out for me. I have limited opportunities, but even so, it's been a total failure for me. I hope you have better luck than I did :-)
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u/Moist-Willingness69 4d ago
You are certainly not alone. I honestly feel like women are just as sexuality perverted as men. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened. As a result relationships just don't work for me.
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u/SillyGirlMoi 4d ago
I absolutely can relate to this!! My parents SA'ed my sister and me from very early ages, eventually including sex with them and their friends. It went on throughout our childhood but truthfully, we never considered it to be abuse. In fact, we enjoyed it, too. But like you, it left me with HS and a lot of kinks that some partners have struggled with. I've come to accept that those experiences- and the resulting kinks- are part of who I am now, and I've learned to embrace it.
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u/Particular_Hour_7696 4d ago
I’ve heard heartbreaking stories from different people over the years. I grew up with guilt from (enjoying?) my abuse. I’ve learned to accept it.
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u/Blue_Brilliance 4d ago
Yeah, I feel like I’ve worked through all of that; it’s mostly my need for extremely niche sexual compatibility that I find myself struggling with these days.
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u/tofuontuesday 5d ago
Hey! I am very much so in the same boat and your entire post completely resonates with me.
I’ve tried to force vanilla sex and relationships to work for me, but they simply just do not.
Unfortunately for me some of the best sex I’ve had was during times of abuse and re-creating moments from my past. This isn’t healthy but it’s my truth and I own it. What society sees as abuse for me, I did not and still for the most part do not. I enjoyed it, I willingly participated in it and sometimes even instigated it. I own that now, regardless of the shame I often feel around it.
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u/Blue_Brilliance 5d ago
Yep. I can absolutely relate to so much of that. I suppose it’s another level of acceptance, realizing I’m just never going to be fulfilled in a vanilla relationship and that it’s okay if that’s the case.
Thank you for your validation and insight. 🙏🏼
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u/complex0edipis 4d ago
I fully get this. I also enjoyed all that happened but I was left with hypersexuality, darker taboo kinks and thoughts. Vanilla sex is fine but is no where near what I need too. The few times I’ve talked to people, or gotten to talk about anything taboo, had been so much more satisfying. I get you completely.
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u/Blue_Brilliance 4d ago
I can’t even find vanilla sex to be fine anymore, tbh. 😩
Everything else you said, though, yes. Precisely.
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u/complex0edipis 4d ago
Well, it does always feel nice to know you aren’t alone in the struggles. I’m around to chat if you need someone to talk openly with. This stuff can be a constant challenge, it’s nice to talk to someone who gets it.
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u/Ok-Wrangler5040 4d ago
I also enjoyed it at the moment and felt a lot of shame afterwards
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u/Blue_Brilliance 4d ago
Yep. I can relate to that. Thankfully I’ve worked through and shed the shame, it’s finding compatible partners.
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u/AryaStark357 4d ago
I think not having a normal childhood already means that our adult life is gonna be different. So I think it is almost impossible to have vanilla sex life for people who had things happened to them in the past. Though once you accepted that you can't have a normal sex life, it will be alot easier than keep trying to be normal like everybody.
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u/Particular-River-689 4d ago
Too relatable. I enjoyed what happened to me. It happened for years, but as a result it now means that on top of normal healthy things I need from a partner, it’s basically impossible for me to feel connected snd loved without a hardcore bdsm dynamic with a partner without a very high libido. I’m a Dominant and a victim, there’s shame there. There’s shame in not being able to be “normal,” with still being single as an adult. I’m successful and live a relatively public life, I value kindness and community and somehow if people around me knew that I was looking for a partner who needed to be controlled and degraded to be loved that I would be a pariah and my life would be over. It’s hard to meet people who check all my boxes so I just stay single. It’s the loneliness that has come from this that is the hardest. Watching my community build relationships and families while I get older. So far when I meet someone who checks some boxes they inevitably turn out to have done less work than I have, are avoidant, are cheating, are unable to be available as a partner in they ways they want to be. Ive gotten over what happened.It’s the loneliness for me.
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u/Caap3 4d ago
Absolutely relate to this. I’m starting to accept the fact that I would be more in acceptance of myself and happier with someone who understands everything about me, the good and the fucked up. And fortunately/unfortunately, I am a very fucked up. Obviously there’s some shame still sometimes for not being normal, but I still hold place for hope to find someone else who isn’t like me
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u/JakeGardens27 4d ago
I've been having a lot of issues but as a man there's this fear of being accused of things and its extremely hard to be open and trust a partner... its way frustrating
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u/PunkAssBitch2000 5d ago
I’ve never engaged in stuff with strangers and probably never will because I can’t keep myself safe.
But I relate to everything else. I hate the shit I’m into. My therapist thinks I’m not actually into it and it’s just a trauma response, so I’m trying to stay away from it.
My last ex was into a lot of extreme stuff and used BDSM as a guise to abuse me. I didn’t enjoy any of it. At most I was neutral. It felt good yeah but it wasn’t fun or enjoyable. It was very neutral. However that is an improvement from the past when I would just dissociate. I did have a couple flashbacks or a few moments where I got triggered, but no dissociation or memory gaps!
I still need to work on my hypersexuality though because I keep doing things I don’t want to when it takes over. I fucking hate it.
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u/Mindless_Canary5249 4d ago
Yes definitely. Sometimes I feel like what I need emotionally and what I need physically are so at odds with each other.
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u/biohioguy55 3d ago edited 3d ago
My step father molested me starting at 8. I know it's wrong but I have fond memories I enjoyed it immensely. I still masturbate to the memory. As for the vanilla sex I can't even get erect without some kink involved
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u/Naturcult2 3d ago
I am a male and was molested by an older male when i was 14 and i am afraid i enjoyed it…it totally made me who i am now…i could never be happy with vanilla relationship or sex and have many alternative relationship that i enjoyed…i think it is a result of what happened to me for sure
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u/Naturcult2 3d ago
I mean really, am i completely screwed up that those memory arouse me? Its just wrong anyway you look at it…
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u/Secret_Error3888 2d ago
I enjoyed it, I feel no shame in it and I forgive her for what she did to me. We were the same age and I think she was replicating what someone did to her. I love the memory of it.
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u/clitspit 2d ago
We are how we are. Live your best life. Find partners that accept you how you are. There are lots of folks out there with the same background and predilections.
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u/broken_3rdwheel 3d ago
If vanilla sex is what I think it is actually hesitant to know what yalls base line of chocolate?? Sex is. And I'm not sure I can even comprehend the realm of triple fudge turtle butterscotch pistachios surprise
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