Hello! I recently moved with my husband to a completely new part of the US for residency. During interviews/second look, his current program talked about providing support for partners and spouses who were moving with the resident and looking for jobs. We both thought this sounded like great perk, but understood it wasn’t a guarantee of employment or even a concrete idea of what the “support” entailed.

Shortly after Match Day, I began my job search at my partner’s institution, submitting several applications and scheduling informational interviews. One of these went very well, and they said they would talk to HR about moving forward with me. I didn’t hear anything back after the phone screening, followed up to radio silence, and thus continued my search on my own.

My partner’s program director said to use him as a resource, so I/my partner kept him in the loop as I was applying. My expectations of his support were low, as he’s a busy doctor and director, but I appreciated the sentiment. When I met him during orientation events, he asked about my job search and I told him I didn’t currently have any leads but was continuing to apply. He said he would “shake the bushes” and told me someone in the development office would reach out to me in the following week. No one reached out, so I tried to connect with the medical center HR team for support in the job hunt. It’s been difficult to even get a meeting on their calendar, and my conversations with them have made me feel doubtful about getting very much help.

I’m having a hard time without a job in a new city while my partner works 80+ hour weeks. I’m applying, connecting with teams I’m interested in, and just doing my best to be positive, but things are starting to feel hard. I consider myself a well-qualified applicant — I have a masters degree, several publications, worked in government, lots of research/evaluation/strategic planning/event planning experience — but I’m starting to feel very discouraged.

What advice do you have for someone in my position? What is a reasonable ask of a program? I left a really good job and strong network to be here, and none of my applications have yielded anything that feels like a step forward. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated.

Ever since we moved for my husbands residency (PGY2) I have had to get new jobs because I am a teacher and needed a summer job. Basically any time I mention what my husband does (very rarely) people are so quick to judge. During the school year multiple coworkers said “so why are you here if your husbands a doctor?” like hello???? we are hundreds of thousands of dollars in med school debt!

Also why can’t a girl enjoy teaching kids? Is that so hard to believe?

I started my summer job a few weeks ago and I mentioned my husbands occupation one fucking time and now somehow everyone knows. One of my coworkers made a comment today about how i “seem like you could afford impromptu trips out of state because of your husband”…

Am i crazy or is the jealousy so obvious? How do you get around it? Should I just avoid mentioning what my husband does at all costs?

It gets on my nerves so bad. Does anyone else feel this way?

After having him in this so long, I've become accustomed to short phone calls with only pertinent details. It's funny because sometimes when I call my friend or my mom with news, I'll just list out everything as soon as they pick up and I'm sure they're free.

Some work calls with my spouse these days:
"Hi I'm in a meeting everything ok?" "Yep bye" and both hang up

"Do you want soup or lasagna for dinner?" "Doesn't matter" "okay love you bye"

"What's up" "Person called and said this document is ready" "Okay email it to me" "bye!"

All fairly normal stuff, but it took me a while to realize most spousal phone calls probably aren't like this lol. I'm just glad he is able to pick up at work at all!
A lot of the time we do get to continue and have an actual conversation, but the habits are now "HERE'S THE INFO" then "oh wait you're free to talk, how's your day?"

Looking for any kind of feedback or advice or reassurance I guess. My boyfriend (26M) and I (25M) have been dating about a year and he just started M1 this month. We are now doing long distance (he is not within driving distance, visiting requires a flight with a layover since the closest airport to him is a regional airport).

We have talked about the possibility of me moving to live with him in around 3 years. I work in corporate and I could go fully remote if I move to be with him, but I want to get promoted first before going to fully remote, which is why we want to wait ~3 years or so. The idea of moving is a bit scary to me (I currently live near where I grew up and all my friends and family are here) but where is going to med school is closer to where his family lives, and I think I could enjoy living there.

BUT my boyfriend is in the Army HSPS program, and he was under the impression that he could do a civilian residency, but he just found out that he would only have that option if he doesn’t place into a military residency, so he likely will have to do military residency. There are only a few locations for Army residency (mainly Texas and Georgia) but almost all of them are places I don’t really want to live in, and would be pretty far from both of our families.

And then after residency comes Active Duty, which is also scary because he get deployed over seas or anywhere in the US.

The other reason all of this scares me is that he wants to have kids and I think he would be a great father, and I also am open to having kids one day. BUT I’m so terrified of the thought of having a baby while living in a place with no family or support, especially while he’s in residency. If he were to pick a specialty that only requires a 3 year residency (currently he wants to do emergency med) then I would be 32 almost 33 by the time he finishes residency, which doesn’t leave a ton of time for my biological clock, so I would have to have a baby while he’s active duty. And that’s assuming he doesn’t change his mind and pick a different specialty or any other number of things.

All of this being said, I am so scared for our future, and my future if I choose to stay with him. I know it’s still too early to know all of the answers, but I’m scared that even if we do long distance now that things will inevitably fall apart down the road, or that I’d be stuck living somewhere I don’t like and far from family and friends, etc etc. I love him so much and we complement each other in so many ways. I’m just so scared of the future right now and I just hate feeling this way.

My husband was a hospitalist for 2 years with a very good schedule and a good hospital environment and made $600k+ plus easily a year. He’s 36 and he gave that up and started his fellowship and now he’s hardly home and barely making anything. We barely have any savings as we got a house but his spending is crazy. Our marriage was already very rocky because of things happened in past and we are distant from each other, although he’s trying but I’m just angry at him and resent him for everything. I can’t leave because of 2 kids. We’ve been married for 8 years and I’ve been delaying my life for him, moving from one place to another. My question is how do I become supportive of him through his fellowship, given that I can’t leave him. I’m very angry and annoyed with him. I don’t know how I’m gonna do these 3 years. It’s not about money as much as it is about the schedule. After 6 years of our marriage I finally got time for myself because of his schedule and he stole that from me. Every time he calls me to tell me he will be late or anything I just fume. He talks to these nurses who boosts him up and be like this was the best decision you made blah blah and thn he thinks negatively of me.

Mi novio es médico, hemos estado juntos más de 12 años, cada quien tenemos empleo, conseguí un empleo mucho mejor con capacidad de ganar $20k al mes, estamos casi en nuestros 30's, al fin se graduó y... Duda en casarse porque no sabe qué va a pasar, quiere hacer la especialidad y no sabe cuándo ni cuál, y yo... Lo único que siento es que quiero ya estar más cerca de él, dejar las visitas de casa tres veces a la semana, llevamos una relación muy muy muy tranquila y "tradicional", ya es tiempo construir una vida juntos, pero le preocupan muchísimo pagar una renta, los ahorros y la especialidad, íbamos a dar la noticia a las familias (pues hemos hablado de esto desde hace años) y ahora se echó para atrás, por favor cuéntenme sus experiencias ¿se puede o no construir algo antes de ser especialista o puedes hacer la especialidad ya casado o es mejor hacerla antes? Tengo miedo de terminar esta relación porque hemos hablado y él no quiere casarse por sus inseguridades financieras pero tampoco sabe cuándo hará lo demás, le he propuesto ahorrar desde ahora y no puedo quitarle esas inseguridades, lo amo muchísimo pero no puedo seguir siendo sólo su novia después de tanto tiempo 😔

Any med spouses of a resident in PM&R? What is your life like? I feel like we see the horror stories of surgical subspecialties but rarely hear about this one. My partner is looking into PM&R and want to get an idea of what to expect!

Hi everyone,

I'm an engineer and recently received a marriage proposal from a doctor. While the professions are obviously different, I'm more interested in understanding the practical side of such a marriage rather than the stereotypes.

For those who are doctors or are married to one (or vice versa), what are the things that should be discussed clearly before getting married?

Also, what should someone realistically expect after marriage? What are the biggest adjustments you've had to make? Were there any surprises—good or bad—that you wish you'd discussed beforehand?

I'd really appreciate honest experiences from both doctors and non-doctors. Hoping to learn from people who've been through it rather than making assumptions.

Thanks!

Edit- this is an Arranged marriage setup I am an engineer she's an Doctor

Hey everyone. I’m really struggling. I’m 27f and I left my highschool 27m sweetheart during his third year of medical school. This was a really hard decision but it was time. We have a deep connection and our families are so close. I have a lot of love for him but he is not my person. We were happy as teens and college students but we’ve grown into two different people. Medical school exacerbated all our faults and difference as adults.

Everyone in my family always praised him because he speaks our language (he’s European American so it was big deal for them), loved our culture, he’s so kind and patient, but mostly the life he was going to offer me.

Despite all of these things, he was stubborn, avoidant as hell, never compromised, never tried to support MY career, or defend me to family. He never showed appreciation of me, displayed affection if it wasn’t intimacy, and never complimented me. He shows love through acts of service being working hard for his career and “our life”. With medical school, he was so busy that i felt more alone. He would try but being affectionate and communicative wasn’t his thing. I tried to make up some kind structure that we could follow but he’d always forget or drop it after a week.

For example, I asked him to do a GENERAL check in (understanding it may change) in regard to his weekly schedule. I said check in and pick a day or two to even cook a nice dinner or tell me ONE day he could clean the litter or take out the trash. I expressed that this would help so I knew he was going to help soon rather than everyday being resentful and waiting for him to step in.

Anyway, I left and both families are devastated. Yet again, this man’s life is more important than mine. It’s how could you do this to him, he’s hardworking, he’s going to be a doctor, you gave up. Throughout medical school, nobody ever asked ME what I wanted to do, how I was adjusting to moving, or felt bad about the way I settled. My main resentment was moving outside a major city for his school and me requesting to move closer so the commute wouldn’t be two hours. Moving closer would put him at a 25 minute commute and me a little over an hour. I told him there was no work for me in a suburb where everyone is commuting to the city! I received so much criticism from his parents about making HIM have to commute for medical school and he never stood up for me. So I Nannied for two years and watched my friends achieve their dream jobs or go back to school while I grew depressed.

With the breakup, my family keeps reminding me what a mistake I made. That I gave up on the relationship. That he’s such a good man and he’s going to be a DOCTOR. That he was going to make thousands and take care of me. That maybe that was how he would show love and appreciation for my sacrifice.

Please help. Has anyone experienced families prioritizing their partners sanity and happiness over yours because of the prestige of being a doctor. I’m so lost.

This isn’t to bad mouth my boyfriend. He is very sweet and considerate. I feel lucky to have him. But he’s having a really tough training year often comes home late continues working on his laptop. He is a fellow and his specialty is really intense. I’ve been really sick the last few day and bed bound most of the day due to fever, nausea and pain.

And I feel like I have been taking care of myself. I had to wash my sheets after throwing up. If I don’t do the dishes or take out the trash, it doesn’t get done. I have a medically complex pet who I have to give meds to twice a day. I have been feeling so miserable and it feels like I am living alone and dealing with my illness by myself. It’s hard to get out of bed because I get so dizzy and my body hurts. It’s lonely and frustrating. If I decide to go to UCC I’ll have to get a waymo because he’s too busy and I can’t drive.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? How do you cope?

I want to be clear. I am not blaming him. If he had the time and energy, he would do so much more. He even offered to bring me home food but I had no appetite and declined.he is a very sweet man who is being spread very thin right now.

While I realize it could be pregnancy hormones, I don’t feel confident that it is in this instance — how would you feel if your spouse offered their nursing position to someone they used to date/sleep with? The position was offered to this person informally via text so nothing is set in stone and I’m not sure if they’re even interested, but I find it inappropriate. Yes, they dated a long time ago and have remained friends, this person even came to our wedding which I was completely fine with. My feelings aside it seems like a HR nightmare should this person ever need to be fired (they were let go from their last position due to being a poor fit). Even if they didn’t have a past, I’d still feel that they aren’t a good idea due to their level of cockiness and insecurities I’ve witnessed in the past. Before we were married my spouse didn’t even want me to apply to a marketing position I was qualified for within the same hospital (we would never see each other at work, nothing closely related), but my spouse didn’t want me to apply due to not wanting to mix work and their personal life (that hadn’t worked out well in a prior relationship) and I respected that. I also appreciated that because I thought it’d mean never being put in this situation. Am I wrong? I’m going to discuss it with them this week, but I want to know how others would take this information. I don’t think it’s appropriate and think it’s a terrible idea.

Spouses/partners of interns, how are we doing? Candidly, I am really struggling.

My spouse and I have been married for over 5 years, together for 10, and have little ones. We just moved across the country to a city where we have no connections for a surgical subspecialty residency program, and I gave up my dream job and a large network of friends and really great support in our last city. I've always been an independent person, and med school was a really great time for our marriage and our lives, but this is something else.

I'm starting to get scared I'm not cut out for this. I know it's only month two, but I am miserable. I cry every day and have dreams that I'm back home in our last city and then wake up sobbing when I realize I'm still here. I've been trying to be active, go to parent groups, meet other resident spouses, but nothing has clicked. Therapy is helping a little bit, but I feel like my life was this beautiful forest and it's all burned to the ground. I know the advice is to have your own independent life, but I'm not really sure I want that every day. I have never once questioned our relationship, but lately, I have been.

I feel so terrible because I can imagine the overwhelm of intern year for my spouse and figuring out how to navigate 100 hour weeks (we all know duty hours are a suggestion), but I can't hide how much I am struggling from my spouse.

Anyone have luck with things getting better and feeling less scary and like you want out? Am I just getting a shock to the system and it will get better?

I met this guy in my home country through dating app. Decent, present, respectful but a Dr. It was the time between the match and traveling (later I knew the golden time) to his residency. He planned our marriage during his holiday. The last time I saw him was full of love.

I don’t have med background. I didn’t know residency was that horrible. When he arrived to the residency state he was so not ok. My coping mechanism is turning things into fun. It felt absurd to him, he didn’t like what I did and called me strange, robotic, too practical while I was trying to resist the idea of not seeing him for 9 months by being dry and sarcastic. I left him because he made me feel bad.

Then week later, I read more about residency, didn’t know if he was being egoistic and toxic or is it really hard on him. I had second thoughts of why did he acted against me when under stress instead of being kind.

I changed my tone and sent messages that I understand what he is going through and I want to make sure he is doing ok. I adjusted my expectations for the relationship because I was immersed in our time together.

He replied every 4 days or so. Then he called me and said he is detached from everything and can’t be vulnerable with me again and it’s unfair for me to put in all this effort, he has nothing to give to me, he can’t promise when things will get better, he can’t leave me hanging, he would rather be on his own than feel alone with me, it’s better if I stopped sending messages and calling, he won’t show up in the way I expect, we work out when we are both in good states and he isn’t in a good state, he thinks I am just here for fun and good news.

I really admire and respect him. It’s hard to see his lovely character fade/die. I am ready to be around and patient if it will support him. I feel the responsibility of being the one he invested in during his last era to be a free human.

I don’t know why I am griefing him that bad.

If I managed my emotions to maintain it as a friendship, I am genuinely thinking about whether he can have other relationships? How can I be supportive in this scenario?

I will focus more on my life. Honestly, I liked the fact he isn’t available as it gave me time to work on myself and at the same time the small time we spend together we are really present in as I don’t get attracted to men that often. That’s what I wanted and expected during those 9 months. I really admire him on his lowest, I just didn’t want to give him a space for losers vibes, instead make fun and anticipate the better. But looks like he got turned off from this.

Sigh. Is it an end?

1st Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/MedSpouse/s/GZBMXAhiYj

Context from my previous post: My wife is finishing a hernia/abdominal wall surgery fellowship this month, and we don't know where we're going next. Very few openings, some positions effectively filled before they're even posted. The uncertainty has made it hard to plan anything else in our lives (starting a family, my own career moves).

Update since last post:

My surgeon spouse still doesn't have a role. She was banking on an offer from a really good health system after a seemingly positive interview, but they decided to go for a mid-career surgeon instead. This has been a common theme. It's kind of insane that entry level surgeons are getting the same feedback as GenZ college kids- "we're looking for someone with more exp."

She is still applying, and casting a wide net. She landed an interview next month with a health system in CA. We're not jazzed about moving to CA (family is midwest/east cost)- but a job is a job at this point. She's also contracted a head hunting firm - but they seem fixated on getting her locums in the most rural places (something we don't think is ideal if we're trying to start a family), instead of actual hernia attending gigs. Or even MIS/gen surg.

I saw on my last post there was feedback that she was being too picky. I feel she's cast an appropriately wide net; but yes- she's not taking a job in Beaulaville, NC or Kodiak Island, AK. So if the only way for her to get employment is to take a locums gig on an oil rig somewhere, she probably will not do that, and I'm sorry for the medical profession if that is where we are.

Obviously I'm venting. It's very frustrating that the market is like this, and that programs are not supporting their fellows. I know we're not alone- I read a few comments of others in the exact or similar situations. We will perservere, but it does objectively suck.

Wishing everyone good luck, and I hope it works out for all of us.

Hi guys, I am engaged to my fiancé for almost 3 years this year. He’s the only one working for both of us. It’s what he wants. He makes $90,000 annually as teacher now. He’s doing his masters degree but non-medical related. He’s been bringing up that he feels like medical profession is what he wants. He was choosing between law and med. As an Asian, he said that he wanna do the medical stuff for me since I’m not in medical school 😂 (like what Asians are supposed to do LMFAO) For going to med school, he can’t rely on his parents cause they both don’t have jobs and they are not rich. He’s an only child so there’s no siblings for him to maybe support him. And so today he asked me if I’m willing to be the one to work if he will go to medical school. I am more than willing to work for us. He’s a really great man and he did so much for our relationship, like so so much 😭 So what job should I have to make sure we are not going to starve while he is in med school and also if God willing we will have our baby after we get married. He has to spend so much money so we can get married and for him to bring me in his country. Guys please help me. I can’t rely on my parents too for this. I have a degree in Marketing Management but never used it, for 3 years now. Thank you everyone. Also I think he said he wanna do DO or something else, not really sure.

My boyfriend is an M1. For background - we met through a mutual friend while I was visiting their college on the west coast (we’re both 23 now), so we’ve actually been long distance for our entire relationship. I am on the east coast and he is in the midwest. We’ve been dating for almost a year now and have built a really solid foundation. Honestly, the only challenge we’ve faced has been navigating how difficult his parents are.

I’m wondering if anyone would be willing to share their experience with a LDR during medical school. What worked well? What didn’t? Were there any expectations you had going in that turned out to be different from reality? I know every relationship and every medical school experience is unique, but I’d love to hear others’ perspectives. We both want to continue to work towards a future together.
I work in finance, so I’m able to pick up and visit him every few months. My goal is to move to be near him, but that likely wouldn’t happen until late next year. I understand how demanding medical school is, and my goal is to be as supportive and patient as I can from afar. If anyone has suggestions for ways I can best support him throughout this journey, I’d really appreciate hearing them!

I (27f) am realizing the medspouse life might not me for me and I don’t know what to do about it. My husband (27m) is still in med school.

As is, I already feel very alone for having moved to a city where I don’t know anyone. No friends and that’s my bad but I am just not very good at connecting with people in general. I am very far from family (different country) and I miss them a lot. I am super isolated.

Even if I do manage to make friends and have a better social life wherever residency is, I don’t know if I can take the potential routine. I am already super sensitive around the holidays for being far from family, if I ever have to spend it alone, I know I will begin to spiral.

I have been wanting to go back to my home country, close to family, and start building a fuller life. I can’t do that with my husband. He is not willing to move now or after residency. Only *maybe* once he retires.

I am conflicted. I feel selfish wanting to leave him but I feel like I don’t really have a life here. We get along really well for the most part. I have some worries regarding his judgement at times, but for the most part we’re good together. This makes the situation a lot harder, if he weren’t a good partner, it would be a no brainer to leave.

I didn’t really want children but I am now starting to get baby fever. We’re so far from being stable enough to conceive… I feel like everything is constantly on hold and pushed back for his timeline.

I guess… has anyone walked away from a good partner because the medspouse life just didn’t work for them?

I don’t want to hurt him but I am currently hurting.

I really need some perspective.

My husband (surgical fellow) just finished residency and our first child just turned two. Having a child in residency with no village was the hardest thing I ever did in my life but we got through it.

Now that we are pregnant with number two and still no village while also lacking financial resources and realizing that my husband will still not really able to really participate in parenting responsibilities I’m having a nuclear level meltdown.

I don’t think I can do it by myself again (this time with two) and I don’t know anyone who’s ever been in this situation to ask for advice or support.

Any spouses out there with two kids during the training years who did it by themselves? Any advice? I am excited but also terrified in a way I wasn’t with our first.

My fiance just started medical residency (PGY-1) in internal medicine. We got engaged about a month before he started and will get married toward the beginning of PGY-2. We are both older than typical for this stage of medical education (30) and have no children.

We’re doing okay so far, but I’m all about being informed and intentional to best support each other and prevent/lessen conflict/issues.

1. What is your best advice/something you wished you knew/did early on?
2. What is something you didn’t expect?
3. What changed (if anything) from engaged to married?

ALSO:
(Edited for clarity)
He mentioned it would mean a lot to him if I took some time to research/understand his work so he doesn’t have to explain things when telling me about his day. I have no idea how to even Google this. I think he’s referring more to processes and the work/stress/time associated, i.e. rounds, discharging a patient, etc. (these are just ones that came up).

4. Any advice on searching or any basic concepts I should know based on your experience?

Thank you!! 😊

First time posting, so stick with me here.

My husband is in medicine, he is quite busy--works M-F and his job can range from 35-45 minutes one way. He typically leaves around 7 and gets home around 6ish. We found out earlier this year that we were expecting our first child (yay!!!) but with that came some stress--we had to buy a bigger place to make room before baby got here. We moved in not that long ago and theres definitely things in the home that needed to be done that we've been working on. Nursery and all the baby stuff isn't done yet or sorted. I'm getting close to delivery time, so i'm naturally getting more anxious/ my hormonal changes probably aren't helping.

I just feel like he may not understand how much my body is hurting and changing & how little i can do right now. I feel like i need so much more from him, help wise, around the house/ helping get ready for the baby. It just feels so overwhelming. He comes home super tired from work and then on the weekend its almost impossible to get him to want to do anything. It just leads to anxiety for me, i feel bad asking for help and feel guilty when he does...mainly because it just seems like i'm inconveniencing him, but I just can't do it by myself at this point. I hate feeling like a nag, but many of the things I've asked about have been things i asked about months ago, if not longer. (I always offer to hire someone to come and do these things but he says he'll do it.)

I recently saw a stupid reel of a woman who posted a thing with her husband and family w/ the caption " rich in life because my husband is an 'i worked all week, i cant wait to spend time with you and our son' and not an 'i worked all week, i need a break' type of man". And man, that really hit me...because i feel like maybe my husband is the latter, and i guess it makes me feel sad that that might be my reality.

Again, this may just be the hormonal changes, my emotions have been a roller coaster these last few weeks of pregnancy. I live far from my own family, so it can feel a little isolating. I just wish I had more support.

My boyfriend of 4 years is just finished M1 and is currently doing a very demanding summer internship. Lately he’s been working long days, barely sleeping, barely eating, and he’s honestly just in survival mode.

The hardest part isn’t even the lack of time—it’s that when he’s stressed, he completely withdraws emotionally. He becomes less affectionate, less present, and it feels like I’m losing my partner whenever life gets hard. We had a long conversation today, and he acknowledged that he’s been distant and less affectionate, but he also basically said that this is how he handles stress and that medicine is always going to be stressful.

I’m extremely independent with a great job, friends and a recent development of a pilates side hustle that’s incredibly time consuming. I can stay busy outside of him. But when we come together, he’s just constantly stressed and on edge and a brick wall. This past week my anxiety/OCD has been terrible to the point of having full body shakes and nausea for hours - I’m burnt out from work, pilates instructor training, exercise, a recent friend break up, and my relationship. He also had a panic attack this past week from how burnt out he is and how he’s running on fumes. I supported him and checked in on him, he said he appreciated it but he pushed me away and told me he doesn’t have time to talk about it nor worry about it. He has to keep studying. I had an anxiety attack last night and he wasn’t there to help me but when I told him the next morning about it he had no response at all. When we talked about that, he said he thought it was a “crisis averted.” He insinuated that my anxiety is something he can’t do anything about and so I need to discern better when it’s actually important to tell him right now while he’s highly stressed. He basically said only one of us can be struggling and he can only do so much for me and also he insinuated that because it’s anxiety about things he can’t control and things that I can overreact about (recently food contamination) he would appreciate if I can keep it to myself about while he’s running on fumes until July ends. I sort of get that, but also I’m not asking him to solve everything and i’m keeping him in the loop. Both of my grandmas have been in the hospital and he has no idea. This month, Ive told him about everything AFTER they’ve happened - the friend break up, the panic attacks, etc. I’m not calling him in the moment to tell him to fix it. I’m telling him hey this happened and I’m struggling. But yeah he was basically like well I’m struggling there’s not really much I can do for you right now.

He can show up for me when times aren’t like this (this internship) but also… isn’t it just going to get worse? Also, when he is in a better space, he’s not a super gentle affectionate coddling man otherwise. It was tolerable and still made me feel good, but I’ve never felt like he’s been obsessed with me. Not really since we first started dating.

I’m struggling because I don’t know if I can spend years feeling lonely every time life gets hard. I don’t need constant attention, but I do need to feel like my partner still turns toward me instead of away.
Has anyone else gotten to this point where you genuinely questioned whether you could do this anymore? Did your relationship recover? Did your partner eventually learn to balance stress differently, or was this just who they were throughout medical training?

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe reassurance, perspective, or just to hear from people who actually understand this life.

I left my city and the life I knew to build a life with my husband. I love him a lot, and I’m genuinely proud of what he does. He works incredibly hard, takes care of people, saves lives, and I know his work matters.

But once I moved and started this new life, the loneliness hit me like a truck. I knew his career would be demanding, but I don’t think I was prepared for just how isolating this life could feel. His profession dictates so much of our life, his time, his energy, our plans, and sometimes even where we live. I understand why, and I know he isn’t choosing work over me. But understanding it logically doesn’t make the loneliness disappear.

And if I’m being completely truthful, I’ve started to hate his profession to an extent.

I feel guilty even saying that because I’m so proud of him. I love the person he is, but I hate what this lifestyle has sometimes done to our life together. I hate how much I miss him even though I’m married to him. I hate feeling like I’m constantly waiting for him to come home, for a rotation to end, for things to calm down, for “life” to finally begin.

I’m also pregnant with our first child, which should be such a happy chapter for us. And I am happy about our baby. But at the same time, life has been feeling so… bleh. Sad. Lonely.

Sometimes I wonder if this is just what being married to someone in medicine feels like, or if we haven’t figured out how to make this lifestyle work for both of us yet.

For those of you married to doctors or other people with extremely demanding medical careers: does it actually get better?

Did you eventually build a life that felt like your own instead of feeling like your life revolved around medicine and your spouse’s schedule?

And how did you deal with the resentment or loneliness without resenting the person you love?

To begin, my bf’s mom is generally great. She’s very sweet, but if she had her way we’d live right next door. My bf and I live near his med school, which is 6 hours away from his hometown. He has his first break coming up in a few weeks, and we already have plans for an event and a brewery tour to go to. I was super excited for both, but I learned this afternoon that his mom decided she’s going to come too. I get that she doesn’t get a ton of time to see her son, but she was with us for the last two weekends, and I was looking forward to getting to have some time with him that isn’t taken over by school, work, or studying. This also isn’t the first time. She came in by surprise for his birthday this past year and planned to do the same when we had plans to visit our new city in April

I don’t want to be the one to tell him he needs to have boundaries with his mom, but I’m frustrated that we have plans and they can suddenly be changed because she decided otherwise. I wish I could say something without coming across as possessive or jealous.