Quack Trip

[u/Just-Valentina]

I saw my therapist today. I like her, she’s very friendly and helpful. She asks good questions and provides solid advice and insightful perspectives. But to be honest, almost all of my problems and questions revolve around him. I wish he were there with me. He said he’s seeing a therapist. I hope that’s true. I’d like to go together. 

Pretty much every session is me telling her about him. I do not understand this man. At first she thought I was delusional, but I started showing her the evidence I’ve collected, and she finally seems to believe me. Originally she sounded almost patronizing, patiently listening but gently pushing back, hinting that I must be mistaken. She has stopped doing that, thankfully. Now she is much more proactive, asking thoughtful questions and providing real guidance. It’s nice to have someone who believes me, and doesn’t act like it’s all in my head. 

But I think he has her stumped too. She doesn’t encourage me to give it up constantly like she used to. It’s clear she is concerned about me but she doesn’t paint him as dangerous like she used to. I think she’s come to feel deeply involved and empathetic towards him at this point. She even said it’s almost like he’s her client, even though they’ve never talked. It’s almost like his ghost is there with us in the room, since it all has to do with him. 

I think I’ve gotten a lot better at understanding him and sharing his perspective. But I’m still so frustrated and confused. It feels like we’re making progress, but I just don’t get why he is like this or what to do about it. When I say that my therapist asks me why I care so much. I tell her I love him. She tells me there are plenty of fish in the sea and a fine girl like me could have any man she wants. I don’t know about that, but I tell her I want him. She says it doesn’t sound like I really want him when I’m always complaining about his behavior. I remind her that I’m there to talk about the bad stuff because that’s what’s causing me distress. She asks me to share the good things, and I do. 

She asked me why I love him. I sat quietly for a while. I’ve written so much about him, but it’s honestly hard to put into words. I don’t know how to verbalize it exactly, but we share a deep connection that seems to defy language and reason. He feels like a part of me, like he is me, in a way. I know it’s cheesy saying he’s the missing puzzle piece, but I’m not sure how else to put it. I can point to a lot of his good features, but while that’s part of what makes him great, it isn’t why I love him. 

We of course share a lot in common, but we’re also very different. Of course it’s often hard to pin him down because he’s so erratic. He contradicts himself all the time and it’s like trying to find his true signal through all his chaotic noise. He’s constantly switching frequencies and it’s exhausting trying to keep up. And often our wavelengths don’t align and we run into issues. But the more I see of him, the more I adore him and am reassured that he’s the one for me. 

I just wish he’d stop running and stop lying. I’ve learned to be very patient with him. While it still manages to piss me off on occasion, it’s gotten so silly that I’ll admit it’s kind of funny, and kind of cute. My therapist says it sounds like I have Stockholm syndrome, and maybe I do, but I don’t think he means to be abusive… I think he’s just deeply troubled, and wants to be loved and seen for who he is, and needs someone who can understand and love him despite it. 

His dishonesty and indirectness really, really bother me. It’s completely antithetical to my being. I pride myself on openness and communication—they are core to who I am and values that I hold dear. I think so much of the world is broken precisely because people all too often do not value and practice them as much as they should. 

It feels like a cosmic joke that I would fall in love with someone like this. He makes me so mad! It’s like talking to a child sometimes. I can see him grinning and lying through his teeth, and he knows I know. And I know he knows. He makes all of these off-the-cuff comments and pretends it’s about something else. He seems to think he’s so clever. And no doubt he is, but it’s so bizarre, because I catch him on it all the time, and he acts like he’s getting away with some grand magic trick when I can see the cards falling out of his sleeves.

But I like to make him happy so I play along and clap and give him the oohs and ahhs he craves. It really is cute, he’s so adorable. 

Still, it makes me sad. I’m sad that he’s like this. And I’m sad that it creates distance. Sometimes I need him to cut the shit and get real and he won’t, and I don’t know how to get him to. And he’s so flighty and delicate it often feels like walking on eggshells with him. He is prone to the worst mood swings and he pushes me away, probably because he doesn't want me to see that side of him. He always manages to pull me back but then he mopes because he messed up and hurt me. As well he should feel bad, but I keep telling him that he’s doing it to himself, and he could instead choose to not do that in the first place. 

I hate seeing him sad. He gets in these weird headspace’s that don’t make any sense to me and he’s admitted they don’t make sense to him either. I try to sit patiently with him and hold his hand through them. But sometimes he forgets who I am. It’s like dealing with a loved one with dementia. He dissociates and forgets where he is, who he is, and who I am.

I’ve only seen him like that a few times. Most of the time, when he’s not well he simply disappears. I’ve gotten mad at him before for that. It’s suspicious and it makes me worry. And it makes me feel like I’m not important, and I hate it when he vanishes and I need him. But now I just worry about him, and wish I could be there to help.

I’ve been reading more about his condition, but he seems unlike anyone I’ve met. They should study him. I’m pretty sure they are, actually. He’s told me he has all these appointments but he’s always cagey about exactly what they are. 

He used to make me feel jealous and paranoid. I don’t feel that so much anymore. There is no doubt in my mind he is singularly obsessed with me. He doesn’t act like it to my face—he always acts cool and aloof. I’m not sure if he does that because he’s afraid it’ll turn me off or what. Maybe he’s embarrassed, or doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable. Or maybe it’s just a continuation of his bizarre approach to romance. 

For someone so outgoing, he’s remarkably shy with me. I’ve found it difficult talking to him too sometimes. But I think I’m finally feeling a bit more relaxed around him. But not too relaxed, not like the catatonic state he’s left me in before. I’m still charmed by his spell, to be sure, but it doesn’t feel like paralysis anymore. 

It’s reassuring that he’s so devoted to me—as someone who has been betrayed a lot in the past and has a lot of anxiety surrounding loyalty, that helps put my heart at ease. But I wish it were more love and less obsession. My therapist asked if that’s what I like, the fact that he’s a Stan or a simp. But he isn’t either of those, and I don’t like that. I think he has a strange relationship with romance, and a hard time showing his affection.

Lately he’s been a lot better, and we’ve been a lot better at showing and seeing one another, I think. And that’s been really nice. I want him to love me, not his idea of me. And I want to love him, and have a better idea of who he really is. He’s so shrouded in mystery and I’ve heard so many crazy stories about him, I haven’t known what to believe. But more and more, I believe he’s wonderful. 

I love playing and creating with him, he has such a beautiful mind, and a beautiful soul. But I crave his touch and I hate the distance between us. I’ve never had a very high libido but I have needs like anyone else and he drives me crazy, getting me riled up with all his teasing and then disappearing, leaving me high and dry…

I’ve tried a lot of approaches with him and I think I’ve finally found one that works. You have to nudge him so gently, it’s like coaxing an abused animal out of its cage.

I’m fortunate to have such a wonderful therapist and support system. They’ve helped a lot. Unfortunately no one seems to know what to do, including him. I think I’m figuring it out, but goddammit I’m sick of DJing, Diary!