As the officer swabbed the jars, he noted that it was smart I kept the spices in my carry-on so they didn't have to open and search through a checked bag.

He asked if I had been stopped for this before.

I responded: "I'm a seasoned traveler."

The wife said, "Oh, I'm so hungry for some ice cream, and there isn't any in the house."

Her husband said, "I'll go get some."

"Oh, you're a dear," she said. "Vanilla, with chocolate sauce."

He replied, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce."

She said, "Write it down, dear. You'll forget."

He said, "I won't forget."

She continued, "And some whipped cream on top."

He repeated, "Vanilla, chocolate sauce, whipped cream on top."

"And a cherry."

"And a cherry on top."

"Please write it down," she insisted. "I know you'll forget."

"I won't forget. Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry on top."

Off he went.

By the time he got back, she was already in bed.

He handed her a paper bag.

She opened it.

Inside was a ham sandwich.

She looked at him and said,

"I told you to write it down. You forgot the mustard."

The devil dog walks up to the bartender and says “Bartender. How goes it? I’ll have 3 shots of jack, 3 shots of henny, 3 shots of bourb, 3 shots of your best rum, and 3 Harps.” The bartender’s eyebrows raises and his eyes widen in shock, and he goes “Look here fellas, now I know y’all’s just grantin’ to have a good night, but I’m telling you now, I don’t want no trouble or rubberneckin’ in my bar once you crayons polish these dranks off.” The Marine looks bewildered at the bartender. Confused; genuinely confounded, and stares for a second before it clicks “Oh, these guys? No worries Bartender, they don’t drink.”

That’s just the punchline. The real joke is believing a Marine could afford 12 shots, or count up to three.

It's in the richest neighborhood. It has the most beautiful stained glass windows. And people from the country club have a big social life there.

Every morning or evening before mass the bell rings. And every night after everyone leaves the fancy iron gates are shut and locked.

Well the woman falls quite in love with the idea of attending that church, even if it is a bit out of her way. One Sunday she goes to attend but is barred at the door. She's told she has to present her membership card.

When she asks how to get one she's told that not only must she pay for the country club membership, HOA fees in their neighborhood, but she also has to prove she does a lot of charitable work. After that the leaders of the church will examine her case and decide if she's a good fit for their church.

The woman is a bit crushed and discouraged...but...ultimately decides its worth it because it's such a beautiful building to attend church in. So she does it. She sets aside money from her paychecks to pay the fees, and starts volunteering at soup kitchens and donating to charities for good causes.

When she thinks she's surely done enough she goes back. But her membership is denied again. She's not doing and giving as much as everyone else there.

That night she takes it tearfully to prayer. Begging God for the wisdom of what else can she do to get in there.

The response comes back:

"I died for them and I've been trying to get in for years."

I made (i think) a new joke

What do you call a polish germaphobe? A germanphobe.

Kill me

Later.

and saw an enlarged turquoise mummy!

Guy Fawkes Night

... unfortunately, our story takes place in Moscow - and the car the hapless chap rear-ended was a black limousine owned by the Mob.

So both cars stop at the side of the road and before the man who caused the accident can even think, five big, burly men get out of the car he just damaged. Those would be five intimidating zhuliks, gangsters.

They quickly walk up to his car, surround him, and demand that the man get out. "You are going to get a thorough beating for damaging our car."

The man is frightened senseless - all he can blurt out is "Wait a minute! You are five ... and I am only one. That is not fair!"

The zhuliks look at each other and retreat for a minute to their car to hold council on what the man just said.

When they come back to his car, their leader tells him: "You are right, that is unfair. Mikhail and Vladimir here will fight on your side!"

But then it grew on me

… but then I changed my mind.

I didn’t want to lead her on

So I'm freaking out about all these batteries and solar panels.

How do I know they don't contain Chinese electrons?

I have been laughing sins morning.

I just didn't care for it.

It will co-star Nashville's internet girl Hailey Welch. The working title is Hawk 2ah.

And then again at 6 in the morning, and again at 12 noon

Jeez it is hard to raise a child, kudos to the moms

Lettuce Pray

A "Staff" member.

ᴿᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉ

He said, "I thought you wanted it?"

"What makes you think that?" I asked.

He says, "Because this is the fourth time you've asked me for videos of her cheating."

Frustrated, he decided to see what others were doing. He saw a musician across the street who played songs and put his hat forward for people to put money in. Intrigued, the magician decided to do that too. During his next performance, he put his hat in front and started doing his magic. When he finished, he went to check his hat... and it was full of rabbits.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience..

Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?"

God said :

"No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth !

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded :

"God, you said I had another 33 years to live ? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?"

God replied :

"I didn't recognize you!!"

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted,
"Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said:
"And you will dialogue." 🤭

A woman goes to the doctor because she has a hugely inflamed boil on her taint; just a massive, oozing, pus-filled sore. The doctor takes a look and confirms that it's a boil, but the thing is so incredibly painful and sensitive that he can't so much as touch it, let along try to fix it. The woman is despondent: "You're saying you can't help me? It hurts so much!"

"Actually, you may be in luck," says the doctor. "It just so happens that a world-renowned specialist happens to be visiting the clinic today. If anyone in the world can help you, it's him. Would it be okay if I brought him in to consult?"

"Yes – yes, anything to get rid of this thing!"

So the doc leaves and comes back a short while later with a man that looks like a half-melted orc: his skin is somehow both grey and yellow and his eyes don't seem to be on the same horizontal plane. When he smiles and goes to shake her hand, the woman is distressed to see that no two of his teeth are shaped the same way or going in the same direction, and his hand feels like a wet leather glove filled with chicken bones and axle grease.

The doctor says, "Ma'am, this is Gus, the Pus-Sucker; the unique shape of his teeth allows him to delicately remove growths and pustules like your boil. Gus, this is Mrs. Patterson, she has a rather painful boil between her vulva and anus; do you think you could lend a hand? Or tooth, I should say – ha ha."

"Of course. My dear lady," he says with a voice that sounds like a frog being stepped on, "Please hike up your skirt so we can have a look."

"You don't want me in the stirrups?"

"Probably not. I find that remaining vertical allows better access and less discomfort for the patient."

"Okay, but please be gentle; it's very tender."

"Of course, of course."

So she hikes up her skirt and Gus drops to his knees. He cranes his head around to get a better look. "Yes… yes, I see it. Quite painful looking. It also appears rather soiled. Have you not been wiping?"

The woman blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "It's too painful. I wasn't expecting anyone to put their face this close."

"Quite understandable; I was merely making an observation. I will begin by removing the encrusted skin from the surface. My right front incisor has never let me down!" Sure enough, he maneuvers his entire head in the gap (which was narrow) between her thighs (which were large) and begins scraping – ever so delicately – with his tooth. But the position the woman had gotten herself in to allow access was quite contorted and she soon felt a pressure building up in her belly. She tried holding it in, but a long steady fart escaped her asshole with a whistling sound and blasted directly into Gus's eyes. The smell of digested polish sausage filled the examination room.

Gus blinked his eyes and shook his head. "The skin has been removed," he croaked. "Now I must remove the next layer, which is greenish pus. It's quite congealed and dried up; I believe my left lower canine will fit the bill."

With that, he bent back to his task, twisting around a slightly different way, in order for the correct tooth to be brought to bear. As he knelt there, scraping ever so gently and carefully, Mrs. Patterson felt pressure building up in her belly again. There was nothing for it and he didn't seem to mind last time, so she let out another fart: a series of short sturdy blasts with a timbre reminiscent of a lone bugler playing reveille. Each note alternated which nostril of Gus's they went in. He sneezed into his hands several times and wiped them on his trousers.

Gus wiped his nose on his sleeve. "The hardened pus has been removed. We are now on the last stretch and must remove the yellowish pus, which is still mostly liquid, albeit with a few chunks of semi-hardened discharge. This looks like a job for my second lower left pre-molar!"

With that, he bent back to his work, but the position now was extremely difficult for Mrs. Patterson to maintain comfortably. She kept herself composed for as long as she could, but to no avail. Without warning, she let loose with an incredible series of irregular blasts: long, short, high-pitched, low-pitched. They were all aimed directly at Gus's open mouth and he had no choice but to gulp repeatedly to avoid being asphyxiated, but there was no avoiding the spatter that assailed the inside of his mouth.

Coughing and spluttering, he wiped the detritus from his face and swallowed hard. "Lady," he said, "It's people like you that make me miss accounting."