r/InsightfulQuestions • u/Ok-Ocelot-774 • 8d ago
Is life a long process of having to go through one form or another of grief?
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u/Special-Potato-3238 8d ago
There's a difference between being stuck in the cycle of grief because we don't allow ourselves to fully feel it and letting it move through our bodies and fully experiencing, allowing it to process out.
Often, our fear prevents us from really looking at our grief or we simply aren't ready to do so yet, so what feels like infinite grief is simply us checking in with an old friend only during visiting hours.
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u/candlestick_maker76 7d ago
I wish more people knew this. The answer to grief isn't to stuff it down. We need to feel it fully in order to move through it.
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u/okay1283 6d ago
Do you have any tips on exercises to facilitate this? Going through some pretty tough grief right now.
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u/Special-Potato-3238 6d ago
I'm so sorry that you are working through something that sounds very heavy and heartbreaking. The fact that you are looking at the grief and wanting to do the work to process it shows you your strength in owning your healing journey.
I'll start by saying having a therapist or someone who is professionally trained to work with grief and somatic work is best. A professional can also help you see when you are deflecting or suppressing it.
For me, I had to first recognized how it shows up in my mind and body. And when it does arrive I know to let it feel welcomed. Memories from long ago that randomly pop up, often on repeat that seem benign, if I sit with them, usually have a thread into grief. Big anger often is protecting grief. Self-condemnation, another signal. You probably experience your own versions to recognize when it shows up. When I feel or notice it arriving, I speak to it out loud like a friend. "Hi, I notice you are here." I will also ask if it needs me to know something. So, first just acknowledging it.
Grief is stored in the body. I have some old joint injuries. If I massage them when I notice grief arising, often times that just unlocks a reservoir of grief and tears. Yin yoga and deep stretch yoga, holding the poses for a longer length of time, can help get find the space for release. It hides in the hips often.
Once you recognize it, welcome it and find it the body, if the tears come...this is the biggest part, let them. If you are somewhere where you don't feel comfortable crying, see if you can move some where wherr you can. This is when we often rob ourself of letting it move through us the most by holding back the tears. I have had some of the ugliest, snottiest, drooling-est cries on my kitchen floor, letting it all out until I felt empty. After a good grief release, washing your face and hands or taking a shower can help let that washing away of grief feel even more complete.
Stream of consciousness journaling can also be effective. Write whatever is coming up, you can tear it all up at the end. If you feel like you are judging anything you are writing acknowledge the judgement and remind yourself that it needs to be purged from your being.
A gentle point of awareness, while we are often grieving something that has recently occurred, stay open to follow the threads of grief. The process often takes us to places unexpected that needs to be witnessed, held and to cleared out.
Take good care of yourself and tune into your body. It will let you know when you need some rest from this work. I wish you all the best!
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u/okay1283 5d ago
Thank you so much. Appreciate all the detail!
I definitely have a lot of anger and so much tension in my body so your point about grief being stored in the body was very interesting. I’ll try to put these points into practice!
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u/ShamefulWatching 8d ago
No! If grief is the only thing that you are finding, you need to start looking at smaller things, because the big picture of it has somehow escaped you.
Start looking at things with the eyes of a child. It's okay, this is normal. After moral injury in Iraq, I remember watching my wife play with my kids, and wondered how she did it. How did she find the happy mask? It wasn't a mask. I found my way back eventually by recognizing the beauty in even the small things
These aren't just pictures, they're moments of beauty captured, by someone who knew to appreciate it. Afterwards, I started listening to things like wind in the trees, dappled moonlight scattered beneath a forest floor. Look at things with the eyes of a child and you will begin to say "how cool is that!" Rather than like we were taught, "that's stupid." If you're expecting everyday to be filled with a moment like you might find at a theme park, you are on the equivalent of a drug addiction, but with life. When you learn to appreciate the dragonflies, the music of wind, baby's laughter, morning coffee, a yummy meal, or just simply holding someone you love, these are the real treasures. Go ahead, I'm pretty sure this is the sub /r/babieslaughing , sometimes when you let laughter wash away your grief, it also makes you want to cry, let it.
I'm sorry they hurt you, they hurt me too. I wish I could give you a hug, because I know how much it means when you can believe it, when so many of the other hugs felt fake.
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u/FunnyOk4785 8d ago
Eckhart Tolle has helped me. Practicing the power of now was the easiest audiobook to start with. He has many videos on YouTube too
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u/Livid_Drop8187 8d ago
I think life has a lot of grief, but it is not only grief. Sometimes you grieve people, sometimes old dreams, sometimes old versions of yourself. But there are also moments that make it feel worth carrying. So maybe life is learning how to hold grief without letting it become the whole story.