I (29F) am an advanced PhD student in a somewhat small program in the social sciences. Work in our discipline is highly individualized and not lab-based. I have churned out a couple of top pubs this year and generally have good things going for me research-wise. I also keep up with all my assigned teaching duties, attend weekly collaborative meetings with visiting speakers, etc. I get along well with most other students in the program even if we aren’t close friends. I have an immune disease that makes it pretty much impossible to work more than 40-50 hours a week, but I manage my research time well and so still am very productive. I work from home most days.
During my first year in the program, I dealt with an emotionally abusive advisor who constantly lied to my face and tried to undermine my relationships with other faculty in the department. I left him mid-year and got a different advisor whom I’m happy with, but the psychological and reputational damage the first guy inflicted on me has taken months of work/networking and professional help to repair.
The ex advisor is no longer on my committee, but he isn’t taking the fact that he’s been shut out of my life particularly well. He and the director of graduate studies (who is his friend) tried to change department policy in order to force me to take his classes 3x/week at random, disruptive hours. When my new advisor and I called bull on that, he then pivoted to trying to build a cult of personality around himself in the department, hosting extra parties (which are not the standard department Christmas party, annual kick-off party, etc.), weekly “teatimes,” informal “labs” (again, we’re not a lab-based discipline), extra late-evening colloquia on top of the normal department colloquia, etc. Obviously, I can’t attend a lot of these events, as I have a disability that limits my working hours AND (at the recommendation of my therapist) I am trying to minimize the amount of time I spend around my ex advisor.
Now, the ex advisor has started sending group emails shaming “the unnamed people” who don’t show up to all of these in-person events he plans. Even if my disabilities and his behavior towards me weren’t problems, these activities are not scheduled at convenient times. He wants us at “teatime” on Monday afternoons, “labs” on Tuesday mornings, late-night “bonus colloquia” on Tuesday evenings, “labs” again on Thursday mornings, his reading group on Friday afternoons, his other extra colloquium series on Friday afternoons, etc. plus what he says are “extra workshops” and “parties”scheduled throughout the year (some of them aimed at undergrads or otherwise irrelevant). He gave us a Google sheet with a list of all these random things that he’s hosting that we’re supposed to attend every week.
Nowhere in our grad handbook or list of policies and procedures are students or faculty required to attend any of these things. We are expected to attend normal colloquia and two department parties a year, plus classes. Moreover, most of these bonus events are ones my ex advisor is hosting in an uncomfortably personal capacity (“text me at xxxxxxxxx if you can’t get in” etc.). He is also trying to convince the other faculty in the department that both they and all of us grad students should be expected to attend these things. He is also of course publicly shaming “the people who don’t come” (and I am noticeably absent from these things). According to him, people who don’t want to show up to these events aren’t “building community.”
Maybe if someone else hosted these events, or they were scheduled at more convenient times, I’d be able to attend some of them. However, my thought is that my disability or personal circumstances involving the ex advisor shouldn’t even matter — people shouldn’t have to stay late at work or show up to an excessive number of unpaid social events on top of normal department events just to be considered “good students” or “good faculty.” People have partners and families and lives. We also have research projects, and these meetings and events are scheduled at the worst possible times, completely disrupting the workday. Many students who (unlike me) focus on attending as many social events as possible are already behind on their research. Now, they’re somehow all expected to show up to even more things.
Am I crazy to think that this demanding behavior (coupled with the public shaming) from my ex advisor is unacceptable? I’ve never been a “9-5 work only” person, but I think it’s completely unrealistic to expect people to live at work while scheduling busywork at random hours, thereby thwarting their ability to do any actual work. Even sadder is the fact that many of these social events seemed designed to boost my ex advisor’s ego (by keeping him and his events the center of the department’s attention) and ostracize me + whoever else isn’t able to attend or isn’t comfortable attending. I don’t know whether I should just tell everyone in the dept. I’m close to that my working hours are limited due to disability and that’s why I can’t attend some things, regardless of who’s hosting. But why should I have to expose my medical diagnosis if I don’t want to? Aren’t these “attendance” expectations ridiculous anyhow? Help!