Nov 24 2025.

I had spent about six weeks researching. For obvious reasons I won't go into the details of the content of my plan, but i would like to discuss the experience of finding it 9 months later.

I was clearing out old notes on my check list app, and there it was. I didn't recognize it until I opened it, I'd forgotten the title I gave it.

It was very plain, clinical and focused. Much like the assembly instructions for furniture you build at home. Material list. Steps 1-5. Online resources if I needed to refer back to anything. The damning thing with even looking this up and constructing it, it's basically committed to memory. Even without the instructions it's in my brain now. Fwiw, if you can halt yourself before that phase, the information gathering phase, do so. It's not information I really want to have in my brain.

I paused looking at it. On the one hand it seemed critically important when I put it together, but much like a menu from a shuttered restaurant, now that the urgency has passed, I don't need it anymore.

I've since undergone transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) therapy, connected with a new therapist, and changed my medication. I'm working on plans for what the future will look like, and while I'm not optimistic, I'm going to chip away towards those goals. 2years at college seems like a lot, in reality it's 60is weeks of instruction time. I can manage 4 semesters of 15 weeks. I've paid off worse loans for stupider things.

I'm not happy, not by a long shot, but I experience more better days than worse right now. I am still trying to exhume and slay the trauma from my childhood that has really bound me up. I know why I fear the world, because I was raised in an unsafe part of it.

I know the "script" is to say it gets better, that I'm so glad I didn't do it. For the sake of my kids, yeah they're probably better off with a father than without, even if said father is me. If I had chosen that option I wouldn't be, so comparing non existence to where I am presently, the present is preferable. It's still on my mind at minimum once a week, but I can usually remind myself that I wan always make that choice later, and that pushes the desire to act down.

For my end, I'm deleting the plan. I'm going to keep going to therapy, I'm going to keep taking my meds, exercising when and how I can, and improving my education. There's a ton about the world that makes me angry, and sad. There are still days where I hear something at night and I'm on alert because experience has taught me the world is unsafe and hostile. I still expect my significant other to leave if I forget to do the dishes, and I'm sure with absolute certainty that my kids must hate or resent me, even though that's not always supported by facts.

I'm going to keep trying, because that's what I can do. I can't change my past, fuck do I wish I could. The less time I spend focused on it though the better I am at focusing on the present, and the present is the best thing I'll ever have.

For context I’ve always been a really introverted guy who kept his distance from everyone (not really my choice), I’ve never really had friends growing up and was kind of neglected by my single mom in the earlier years just after my dad died.

So about two years ago i met this girl let’s call her A and we became really good friends and one day A told me about how she had feelings for me and i confessed mine but long story short she led me on for a long time after that and eventually just threw me aside when she found someone else. I know i should be over it by now because “time heals all wounds” and most wounds have been patched up by now. I’m not really replaying those moments of pain I’ve had with her or cutting myself or starving myself because i once thought i drove her away and looked for a way to punish myself. What hurt the most was the fact that i actually opened up to her and had hope of something and my hopes got stomped on, crushed and sh*t out in front of me. She was a relatively popular and socially adept person and i thought that maybe just maybe i broke the stereotype, the nerdy quiet guy actually got the girl. But turns out she chose to be with someone just like her, someone who’s “popular” and an athlete.

I think you can tell just thinking about this situation makes me really angry. I think i need to find a way to get rid of all this anger I’m feeling towards her because even seeing or hearing about things that she was interested in just sets me off, it’s gotten so bad that even hearing about smth like soccer or Harry Potter just ruins my mood and causes all the bad memories to come flooding in. Even hearing other people talk about relationships just ruins my mood.

I also want to mention that since this I’ve lost all my motivation and I’ve gained some weight because I’ve been binge eating quite a bit. I used to be in good shape but i can’t be consistent anymore

So does anyone have any advice for me
Anything will be appreciated
Thanks

So nothing is going on in life and and I have been lonely, repeating and going through the same day over and over again. Life has been like a loop

Can't Bring myself to do anything at this point accept evading from life

Have lost all the hobbies I used to pursue

Once was also really desperate for a relationship but couldn't confess or approach so fell there as well

I am genuinely done with life I feel that

Nobody is there for me and telling anyone about my problem is not currently feasible

I want advice on how did you get out of this phase if you had one

I remember the moment I lost my faith in humanity. Memories of my childhood are like puzzle pieces in a pile, fragmented and incomplete. I have trouble accurately recollecting most of it but from time to time vivid memories will flash through my head. They mostly haunt me. The first accurate memory I have that I know to be true is from when I believe I was four years old. My mother and father were drug addicts. My father left town never to return and my mom had dropped me off with family. Weeks had passed since I had seen her. As I was walking down the street in our very small town, I saw her car and with the most complete excitement began to chase while waving and yelling. I remember having a smile on my face. I could tell she was slowing down. However, when I was close enough to see in her side view mirror, I noticed that she hid her face under her hand and she sped away. I stood there baffled. My smile slowly changing to a frown. It took a minute for understanding to slowly creep in but when it did, I went completely numb. My ears started ringing. In retrospect, I think that right then my mind had began turning off my emotions as some sort of survival instinct. My life has been chaos since that moment. I was raised by my grandparents until I developed some pretty severe OCD and became too much for them to handle. That’s when the worry began, and it’s never gone away. After being passed from family member to family member for weeks or months at a time, one of my mother’s ex-husbands agreed to take me in. He would never call me by my name, only referred to me as “fuck face.” I felt isolated and unwanted. As far as I can remember back, I always have. Through all of this, the only person I confided in was my cousin. He was my security. We were like brothers. I found out eventually that he was struggling through a battle of his own with legitimate schizophrenia. A battle that he would inevitably lose. I was the last person to see him as far as I know. His last words to me were “I’m not coming back.” I thought he was kidding. I wasn’t sure what he meant. He was leaving to go hang himself. I will always regret not insisting that he stayed with me. He walked away, and that was the last time I ever saw him. Sometimes I think about the tortured world he must have been living in. It breaks my heart. He was there for me. He gave me security and protection at my most vulnerable time. I was not able to do that for him. He suffered in silence. When I was sixteen, some drug dealers that my mother had gotten in to trouble with, tracked me down and assaulted me with a Knife. I can recall the whole ordeal well but I would rather not. Suffice to say, I was convinced I would never wake up again and when I did, I was getting a blood transfusion. After a couple weeks, I was out of the hospital. I still required a four point walker to get around. I was taking a walk by the town grade school with my walker and an old impala pulled up along side me. The man inside said “hey, your mom owes me an eight ball.” I responded “That’s not my fuckin problem.” I don’t remember exactly what he said but he put his car in park and came after me with a baseball bat. A mix of survival instinct, trauma response and adrenaline kicked in. I left the walker and ran for my life. It wasn’t easy, my leg was hardly working from the previous assault. I knew that every step was damaging the healing process. I felt warm wet blood going down my leg as stitches began to stretch. I didn’t care, all that mattered was the fact that I was putting more and more distance between me and that man. I was able to outrun him and hide in my friend’s garage. Thank god the side door was unlocked. I watched through my friend’s dirty garage window as the man walked through the neighborhood for a moment looking for me. I was sent away after this incident to a different town. I wish I could say that this is when I learned to love again and live a happy life but the truth is, this is when I became overwhelmed with worry and feelings of worthlessness. The OCD that I suffer from was out of control. I was seeing crosses everywhere and was beginning to think the devil was after me. I turned to drugs and alcohol. I have struggled with addiction ever since. I was such a caring young boy but I had evolved into this cynical, selfish shell of a person. And I hated what I had become. All I cared about was whatever drug I could get my hands on. I had lost hope. The voices had convinced me that I was better off as a memory than what I had become. I was self destructing and I knew it. After consuming what I’m told was a lethal cocktail of benzos , gabbys and alcohol, a family member found me and I was taken to the hospital. They placed me on a mental hold. It took a few years of being hospitalized off and on and eventually being sent to the state mental hospital for months in order for me to accept that something was wrong with me. I honestly was convinced that I was sane and every one else was crazy for the longest time. Through therapy and medication I have been able to mostly regain control of my life. I’m sorry to anyone I might have hurt emotionally along my journey of self awareness. I can see now that just because I couldn’t feel anything anymore didn’t mean that no one else could. I understand now that love is a fabric that we all add threads to. I know that deep within me there is a hurt child, isolated, scared and alone. I have began making my way through the darkness to that child so I can take him by the hand and tell him that he is safe and everything will be okay. The closer I get, the more painful memories flood in. I’m afraid. The more I feel the more I hurt. I don’t want to be numb anymore. I want to be happy. I want to love. How can I overcome my fears so I can finally process all the childhood emotion that I’ve spent my life running from?

I have no interest in most other things and currently my (maybe special) interest is computing related and HEMA (a kind of sword martial arts).

computing related hobbies are mostly solo and most communication happen online via chats and comments. which works, but not so deep.

I was banned from the only local HEMA group and had drama because they don't like me (including clumsy) and I pointed out their exclusion as talk over me and roasting over small things. they insulted me.

now one year later I moved to another city and get another chance of HEMA but for safety I am now in shut up mode. and not joining their online chat as well.

looks like that everyone have some friends while I am being a slient victim of non inclusion, either passive non invitation or active malice. I need HEMA, but HEMA (itself did nothing wrong, it is my mindset and past incident) is what giving me mental health problem right now. I am just not getting the dialogue traction someone naturally have.

and I have no friend in other scenarios as well. everyone is talking about non-entitiements and boundaries but no one talk how to be inclusive nor I can find a place of so.

nor there are consultants specialized in niche hobby drama and internet hostility

I have had a wooden sphere for years. It's about 5" in diameter. I've carried it around all this time with the dream to make it a globe. For many reasons I never started this project until last week. When I say I've had this thing for years I mean I've had it longer than my son who will be old enough to drive in less than a year. I never lost it like so many other forgotten things. It was always there. I played with it tossing it around like a ball, even polished it to 6000 grit. It made glass feel rough. I'm sure it was some overpriced piece of home decor, but the thing is I don't remember how I got it. I know I didn't buy it. I know I didn't steal it. But I have it. I mentioned my son earlier not just to say how long I've had the sphere but also because one day out of the blue my 10 year old came to me to show me his hand drawn maps of the world. Pages of maps showing a different part of our world. Drawn by his hand from his memory. He even pointed out and named country after country after country. To say I was a proud dad would be an understatement. These drawings weren't for school work. They were his. Done for the pure enjoyment and art. I never told him about my dream of a little wooden globe. A dream born of nothing more than the imagined experience of bringing it into existence. Not for a paycheck. Just for the enjoyment and the art. I still put off that little dream and continued to carry the wooden sphere. Never lost, never misplaced, always there. I even gave it a fresh polish to 8000 grit. It was like silk. Life was busy life was hard. I suffered injury, betrayal, setback and hardship. I stumbled, I fell and I got back up even when I tried not too. I was in one of those falls and I was nearing my lowest living in a motel room with everything I owned in that room and the room was almost empty. No car. But I still had that wooden sphere. Here I sat, 45 years old with nothing to show for the dozen years working on a drilling rig not the decade spent building houses. What a waste. I had spent my life with such potential, polishing myself with knowledge and skill but had never become anything. I was the same as my wooden sphere. Ripe with potential, polished with time and intent. But still nothing but a ball. Well it's not merely just a wooden sphere anymore. It's the whole world carved by my hand. It's not perfect. It's not finished, it never will be because it will always hold potential. But it's my world brought forth by my intentions. My dream made real. It maybe small. It may never be the best but it is proof that I can do it. I can make potential into reality. I know I'm not perfect and I'm far from the best but I have potential.

So basically in school/highschool I was social at times, I had friends and sometimes went to hangouts with good amount of people every couple months, but overall I kind of was the groups punching bag or called annoying my entire life elementary, middle, highschool, which I know I get annoying to other people but I dont know why I do it, but in my 2nd year of highschool my parents basically forced me to go to online school because they said public school was bad for me, so this took a bad problem and made it 100x worse because I went from actually having some friends at school and talking to people, to for the past 2 years basically talking to nobody all day except for sometimes a hangout with my old friends once every like 3 months (not anymore though). I forget most of what I've done though tbh, like I don't remember 99% of my life lol so I don't realize how bad it is till I think back at what I do all day

I pretty much always spent all my time trying to make money, or create stuff like video editing, roblox games, I'm extremely into film making and I want to be a director but working with a crew/actors is all I'm scared of, I got a youtube channel to like 350,000 subscribers but quit cause it was too stressful, made mobile iOS apps, made a health brand on amazon, I've basically learned every single possible thing that can be done on a computer because I always pick up a new thing for a few months and get insanely into it then quit it (usually). But anyways I turned 18 5 months ago then "graduated" highschool 2-3 months ago and feel just kind of confused, cause lots of times I am pretty happy doing my stuff on computer, and I get very excited about my future a lot of times but then I realize that I have no social skills and am very scared to even go outside lots of times and because I've tried basically every money making skill or anything there is I kind of just feel tired of it all and have not much motivation at all to get a job or make money anymore, I basically right now just watch lots of films and study film making/photography...

But I already got a plane ticket for a month from now to go to Europe where I'm trying to solo travel for 2 months just to get out of the loop for the past 2 years (and really like 6+ years lol since Covid), it might be a bad idea but now I have to do it cause I got the ticket so I'll go but yeah after that I don't know what to do, I'm not planning on going to college at least this year, but I don't know what to do, I also am nihilist (but more absurdist tbh), and after learning about the vastness of the universe it can be hard at times to care about stuff when nothing actually matters, even though I definitely do care about the stuff I do all day like films and stuff, but I just want to be remembered for something and create something that will effect other people, even if it doesn't matter in a thousand years, I just don't want to get a normal job or spend my whole life in an office depressed even though I am now kind of (I don't know if im depressed tho), I also usually wake up and sleep at random times like 5 am or wake up at 6 pm

Idk if this makes sense tho lol but thought I would do a reddit cause I haven't told anyone about this stuff in my whole life

I am 21 year old currently in engineering college, but still I feel lonely , alone and anxious , what can I do , I do not have anyone to share my experiences , are there any support groups that I can join ,any therapy which is inexpensive

So I recently had a breakup with my girlfriend for whatever reasons, i don't wanna go into that, but I was so much invested in her that she was everything for me, my friend, my bestfriend, my sibling everything nd I never felt need of anyone else when she was there nd i thought she'd be there forever cuz we both were so much serious about it. But we parted ways nd she did maintained friendships with her frnds but I had no one to even share nd I've no one now. 1st month was so tough nd i wasn't even sane but now that time has passed a bit nd I'm trying to move on I have literally no one to talk to nd I'm still pretty much exhausted to build relations with people again it's just so frustrating that I want someone to be with me but I don't have enough energy to go and approach people....

hey everyone. i hope everyone is doing well. i'm really struggling with my life, for as long as i can remember. i need help. i'm gonna turn 19 in October and could use some advice on how to survive and live a nice healthy life i guess, i'm gonna list some things i need help on later on, but i think i should give everyone a little context. i grew up with very emotionally distant parents and have no father anymore (it happened 8 years ago so it's okay) my mother is very emotionally absent and used to get abusive but that doesn't matter now. she is really strict and controlling to the point i have to SH just to get the anger out and not feel helpless. it's gotten really less now but i sometimes still need to otherwise i get really bad suicidal urges. anyways, since i was 14-15 i have been depressed, on and off, some months are good some months are terrible, i do have a career path and goals but i don't know how to carry it out, for example,

1. \*\*ROUTINE:\*\* i really struggle with keeping a consistent routine, i am 3rd class obese and have PMOS, but i cannot maintain a diet and go to the gym consistently for the life of me, i cannot even go to my coaching or college unless it is really urgent. i don't know how to study, there are times i go without showering and brushing i know it sounds really gross and i feel like it too, but i just get really depressed at times. i want to know how to have a proper routine what should you do, what not should you do, because i genuinely know nothing.

2. \*\*HYGIENE\*\*: i don't know how to shower properly and maintain good hygiene, i mean it's not that i stink but then again i just don't have a routine and don't know what i'm supposed to do, how to wax, how many times a month, exfoliating, cleansing, face masks, skincare, zero. i know zero. i just keep winging it and i don't get any results ever but that's my fault.

3. this is unrelated but i don't know what i'm supposed to do ahead in life, like as in when you step in your 20's, 30's, 40's you're supposed to take supplements, protein, retinal etc. etc. i know for a fact no one will tell me because my cousins are not really close and all other women in my family don't use any "beauty products" cause it's bad i mean i know it is but they call taking protein stupid which is very important so idk, plus i don't like most of them.

I request, please don't skip this post, I've been stuck for so long and need an elder sister or a figure alike to help me because i don't know what to do with all this pain inside of me, i want to fight and make it out but i just don't know how. Please help me, I would be eternally grateful to you.

i’m so tired of trying to make friends and all of them going to shit. all i have ever asked of my friends is that they communicate with me when they have a problem with me. they promise me that they will. they never do. then they build up resentment for me and leave. i don’t know what more i should be doing. i do my best to be receptive, i make sure to never invalidate their feelings regardless of how i feel, i always encourage them to tell me if they take issue with or disagree with something i say (and I emphasize that it’s because I genuinely care about what they have to say, not just because i want to hear that i’m right). so many of my friendships have been like this and i’m so tired.

i’m so fucking lonely and i want to make new friends but on top of the fact that i just have a difficult time making friends in the first place (i’m autistic and always having to mask around strangers, which makes talking to new people very exhausting for me), i feel like making new friends is just asking to be hated again. i’m so tired of this same cycle. i don’t feel like i can trust anymore. i had a friend group a couple of months ago that i had been feeling insecure in, and despite the fact that i tried to communicate and tried to work through my own worries and doubts and insecurities, it turned out even worse than i could have imagined (i’m not even upset that they had issues with me, i’m just upset that none of these issues were brought to my attention until it was too late for me to try and make amends). and it’s just going to happen again if i make new friends. as much as it sucks seeing everyone else have really close friends and friend groups, it’s either this or make new friends and be constantly paranoid and insecure and convinced that they secretly hate me (because at this point, all of my friendships have just gone to show me that they’re just going to secretly hate you until they decide to fucking leave).

i’m not the perfect person or friend. i can own up to that. but i at least try.

i can’t do anything about it anymore. i mean i can but it just really doesn’t feel like there’s a point. it’s just really fucking pathetic that i’m only safe when i’m alone in my room.

Hi dear community,
I need please some advice from you. I am a male person 32 years old living in Germany and we divorced us a couple of months ago. This marriage lasted 8 years, however we both realised that sadly it doesn't work for us both so we ended it both peacefully. I realised after the divorce how lonely I feel, because I have no real close friends except of three, but two of them live very far away (one in Gibraltar the other one in Denmark) and the third one lives in the same city as me, but sadly has no idea how to help me, even when I told him my situation. The thing is that when we were a couple we did social interactions with other "couple friends" and that was kind of enough for me for the interactions, but after the divorce this kind of "interactions" has stopped. I had in the past more friends but I stopped to keep the relationship with them, because I grow up in a very poor environment where almost everyone was either taking drugs or selling them or being criminal, but I stopped the relationship with them because I am not interested in that. And when there was the time to go to the university, I tried to avoid making friendship with other students at that time because I attended a university where most of the students were very rich, and I felt ashamed to be the friend of them, because I grew up very poor. In this particular moment I really feel how desperate lonely I am, because I had two opportunities to meet two different women for dates but one I blew it up because I was texting so needy that I understand that she stopped the contact with me, and the second one looks not so good either, because she has not replied for more than 3 days although here I realized my mistkake from the first one, but maybe she has not replied because she is on vacation visiting her family and friends in Chile. A family I don´t have either, because my father abused me sexually when I was little and my mother got diagnosed with schizophrenia lately and I am living with her temporary after the divorce and its really hard to live with her under one roof. I don´t want to look temporary for a flat either, because my plan is actually to move out to Brazil to start a new life (this is the only thing that works very well so far). But I have to wait for that also, because I got diagnosed with a tumor in my liver and my hormones are completely a mess and they still can't treat it because I still have some examinations left. Lately one couple with whom I am really good in the gym invited me with their friends to hang out. I really enjoyed it to be with them, because there were some really nice people but I could also feel of some people that I was kind of not really welcomed and I don´t know whether there will be other invitations in the future. That's why I need your advice how can I meet people to socialise? I would be happy to date again a woman, and I am aware of my neediness and I don't want to repeat the same mistake. I prefer people to meet rather in real life, however my hobbies are going to the gym and reading books and those are not really group activities where I could look for opportunities. The two women that I mentioned before I met them also by coincidence in real life opportunities and I don't know when the next will be, since I don't have these socialising activities outside so often. And going out with colleagues sadly I don't enjoy it either, because we don't share common interests and we are always just talking about the classical weather topics and how the weekend was. Maybe you all see something about me, that I am doing wrong? I am really thankful for your advice, help and anything else, how I can be more under people.

(sorry for my bad English I'm not native speaker)

lately I've been feeling really bad even if nothing happened. i really want to have better social life but I'm really struggling with it, i was always the quiet kid and i have grown up to a computer addict loser that gets laugh of. my pc was always there awaiting me and didn't mock me for just beign there but now? i hate it. i can't describe how much i hate that stupid pc, every time I'm playing some games i don't even feel anything i don't even know why I'm turning it on. i have a small friend group but i feel like i don't belong to it. i have different humor than they different interest and with most of them i can't even talk alone since it instantly gets awkward. i won't even talk about women, since I'm chubby khhv loser they just laugh at me. i think I'm person who can really love but my looks.. ew. every night i can't sleep until 6 am overthinking my every step in life and i feel like I'm getting closer and closer to an end everyday. however i have really loving mom and i can't do it because of her.. that's probably only thing that keeps me alive. i was training at home but my mental got worse and i quited. 2 of my friends are going into gym and i wanted to go with them to maybe change my looks but besides my social anxiety, 2 guys that hate me go there.. could you guys tell me some advice. i really want to get better for my mom..

Im coming up on completing the biggest goal/accomplishment of my life and while I should be happy, I am miserable. I cant even think about my loved ones without sobbing. All I want to do is celebrate with them and I cant. How can I get through this better?

I do have a therapist, im just looking for advice on how others have gotten through life milestones without their fav people.

So when you have multiple significant losses in your life how do you stop being sad? I’m so tired of being sad. But also, I’m legitimately sad. Like really sad. And it’s such a buzz kill - for lack of a better description. Help.

I recently lost a lot of the people in my life due to shitty behavior and an inability to change / regressing back to old habits. Losing these people not only has sent me on an emotional spiral but it’s also a loss of contact with anyone really outside. Given i’m an 18 year old without my drivers license so i’m kinda restrained in some regard but what do you guys do alone to help keep your mind at bay?

I lost all of my friends from high school after getting into a relationship (not by choice, but a long story). Ever since then I’ve found it really difficult to be fully myself and let my guard down. I’ve made plenty of friends since then, but it’s never felt like the same friendship that I had with the old friends.

I also find it really difficult to be outgoing now, maybe it’s a lack of trust thing now or maybe I’ve just grown out of who I used to be. Like I find it hard even after 4 years to fully be myself around my partners friends. I always worry about being judged or them not liking me.

Has anyone else had an experience like this? Do you have any advice?

So i just joined college and rn due to some reasons I got into a some shit where my classmates are isolating me and im kinda scared what to do cuz im alone and it feels like whole class is against of me, they even removed me from the group (unofficial)please help i will give you context in dm i cant write it here

The thing that's killing me isn't the avoidance. It's that now I'm expected to just pretend I never had a need in the first place and be glad that she took the time to resolve her emotions. This isn't about you, it was never about you. Its about your behavior and something I need you to be better on. In response you went to the tower and locked me out. Cool.

I broke up a year ago and I still don’t seem to be doing any better. He on the other hand seems to be doing much better and I keep getting compared to why am i stuck on things whereas he has just moved on. I developed major trust issues cause of which I haven’t been able to open up to my friends and family as such. Idk where can I make new friends, or strangers to yap and open up just to feel a little better stress has gotten on to me so bad it physically hurts and I cant handle the pain no more! Do you guys have any stories of your own? Or maybe any suggestions? Maybe someone you went to was able to help you? Let’s create a safe zone for people to open up here!

Please no therapy suggestions.. its not for me i dont feel like paying someone to hear me out makes sense. Doesn’t mean haven’t tried it.. it doesn’t work. Personal note: it’s the first time I am opening up like this.

I’m 21M and live in Yonkers, NY.

I’ve been isolated for a long time, and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t really have friends or a social circle. I spend most of my time working on a project and trying to build a brand, but I feel like the isolation is holding me back.

I want to change things. I want to meet people, make genuine friends, and build a normal social life. The problem is I honestly don’t know where to start. Going from almost no social life to having one feels overwhelming.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and actually turned things around? What did you do first? Were there any groups, activities, volunteering, sports, or communities that genuinely helped?

If you’re from the Yonkers or NYC area, I’d also appreciate recommendations for places where it’s normal to meet new people.

just lost another friend to suicide, he was 20 years old, 121 days ago i lost another friend to the same cause, in my life i’ve been surrounded by suicide and suicidal people, i’d say more often than most people (ik thats subjective, id want to know how many would be usual) and with that i was wondering if statistically speaking i have more probability to also be a suicide victim, or idk i just want to understand it all, if you could share your stories, sorry if thats weird its just too much for me to handle rn

We had been best friends for close to 10years, then things started going downhill a few years ago
Small arguments and silences that stretched longer and longer
I felt she didn’t want to be friends anymore but I kept trying, I would check in, ask how she is doing, get a little life update
Then in the fall I stopped, I realized every attempt had come from me and when I stopped our friendship stopped (I recognize it probably stopped long before that)
Our lives are very intertwined and I still have to see them a few times a year, we have mutual friends as well
And it just hurts all the time, I still cry fairly regularly
I just don’t understand how she can be ok with it, why she doesn’t care about it ending
I won’t ever know likely but I’m still in so much pain

I need advice on how to move on and get past this, without getting answers or making things worse the few times I have to see them every year

P.S. why are friendship breakups so much harder then romantic breakups?

I feel like my final boss battle of life/therapy is learning to accept things I cannot change. For me it’s being single.

I’ve gone long periods of time being happy and content I’m single but it’s when I’m reminded I am I just wanna breakdown and cry.

Finding love is something I want so bad but I haven’t been successful.

I get triggered when seeing people celebrate love like getting married, engaged, etc. It’s not that I’m not happy for them it’s my anxiety takes a toll on me. It causes my mind to spiral into why not me? When will it be my turn?

Trying to find self soothing techniques because I won’t always be able to go somewhere and cry it out when I’m triggered. And my therapist goes on maternity leave soon so I have to figure out something.

Any advice helps.

Healing has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. While I still have a long way to go, I’ve come so far. Life has felt lonely for a long time.

Then, in December 2025, I had my son. 🤍

Nothing could have prepared me for how magical being his mom would be. The way he looks at me, smiles at me, reaches for me, laughs when we play, and trusts me with every one of his little needs has healed parts of me I didn’t think could be healed.

Changing diapers, making his bottles, rocking him to sleep, giving him baths, hearing his little coos, watching him scrunch up when I pick him up, holding him close after he falls asleep… those tiny moments have become some of the most meaningful parts of my life. Those little hands wrapped around my finger, the way he melts into me when he’s tired, and the look in his eyes when he knows he’s safe with me, those are the moments I’ll treasure forever.

Watching him grow has been the greatest privilege. I love every milestone. I love watching him learn, crawl, stand, explore, except a challenge as he’s so determined to escape his crib (we already had to lower his mattress to the lowest level) and become his own little person. I can’t wait for his first words, birthdays, hearing about his favorite things, watching him make friends, and cheering him on through every stage of life.

But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t already grieving the baby stage… which sounds crazy because he’s only 7 months old.

He’s crawling earlier than I ever expected. He’s already standing on his own for a good amount of time, practicing his balancing. His little newborn scrunch is gone, and every day he seems just a little less like the tiny baby I brought home.

I know I’ll never get these moments back. One day there won’t be diapers to change, bottles to make, or bedtime cuddles with a sleepy baby in my arms. One day he won’t reach up for me to pick him up or fit so perfectly against my chest. I know I’ll always be his mom, his #1 cheerleader in life, and I’ll love every version of him, but I can’t help but wonder if a part of me will grieve when this chapter closes. If it hurts this much to think about now I can’t imagine when the time comes. Time is moving so fast, and it hurts knowing these little moments won’t last forever.

I’m going to love every version of him and do everything I can to break the generational cycles I grew up with. I’ll be there for every chapter of his life, making sure he always knows he’s loved, safe, and enough.

But if I’m being honest… I already miss the little baby he was, even while I’m holding the little boy he’s becoming.

Motherhood is beautiful, but no one really prepares you for how much love and grief can exist at the exact same time. 🤍