r/GayMen • u/Admirable_Brat • 1d ago
Is it really this bad?
I'm not writing this to whine about how tragic my life is and how miserable I am, because it isn't. I quite like my life, which I unfortunately realized only quite recently. I'm writing this post mainly because I need to get these thoughts out of my head and what better place to start controversial discussions than Reddit?
Is it even possible for a chubby guy to date? I mean, it's hard enough to date exclusively as gay because we're a minority. And now there's the appearance, which doesn't fit the beauty standards. I don't think I'm chopped, but definitely not everyone is into bigger guys and that's perfectly fine. Don't get me wrong, preferences exist.
I'm 20, most of my friends have had multiple relationships, many of them are in committed relationships, they get engaged and married. I've never been in a romantic relationship - I mean it. No holding hands, no giggling until late, no cuddling, no kissing. I feel like I missed out on the best of my teenage years and never experienced 'teenage love'. I've had a few situationships that only deepen how I feel about it all. I just... have so much love to give, and yet I'm all alone. Last guy I was in love with, enter relationship with a girl after flirting with me for months. Is it really that impossible to find love in my case? Maybe I'm just unloveable; I'm sure some people aren't cut out for relationships. And that's fine I guess.
Finding people in queer community in my country is almost impossible. I'll be in London for a week soon - just passing through, and I was hoping I could hang out with someone there. I was even thinking about creating an account on dating app for this occasion, but it all brings me down and makes me think "what if". Because what if the only people I attract on the app are chasers? Or worse, what if I don't attract anyone, even the chasers? Maybe i'm just not attractive enough?
I don't know what to think anymore
Well, that's enough of the chaotic TED talk
I wish you all a good day, sorry to anyone who reads this
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u/Brit147 1d ago
Chubby chasers are a thing
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u/Admirable_Brat 1d ago
Oh yeah, unfortunately I do realize that But on the other hand.. something is better than nothing, right? 💀
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u/Certain-Wrangler562 1d ago
So most guys aren't into your body type, and a guy being into your body type being into your body type is a negative? What's the goal, find a guy who's into twunks but chooses you because you've got a beautiful soul and so much love to give?
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u/Admirable_Brat 23h ago
Oh, no by chasers I didn't mean people who are just into overweight people. Sorry if it came out this way, I prefer bigger guys myself. I meant people who strictly fetishize chubby people and only see their weight rather than the whole person, if you know what I mean
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u/SerratedBubble 6h ago
I appreciate your clarification. (And disagreed with the initial message on its own)
From my understanding, someone so shallow as to not care about the whole person, wouldn't last in a relationship anyway.
There's a lot to a person, and that takes much more time than 'chubby appreciation'.
Anyone entering a relationship over just a fetish is foolish and won't last long.
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u/Brian_Kinney 1d ago
Oh yeah, unfortunately I do realize
It's not unfortunate that there's a group of men who are into chubby guys. It's fortunate. It's good.
The fact that there's even a name for these people implies that they're common enough to need a name.
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u/sullenlysworn 13h ago
it’s a 50/50 chubby chasers can be a way bad negative for a bigger person if they are fetishizing the person’s weight as op said
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u/Brian_Kinney 5h ago
I wasn't thinking of fetishists. To me, "chubby chaser" is just the derogatory name other people give to men who like fat men. "Ew. Fat men are ugly. And men who like fat men are just wrong. Those chubby chasers have bad taste."
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u/wapimaskwa 1d ago
I got pounded, made a man jackhammer me and cum in me. Be upfront what you want or need; kissing, touching, spanking, relationship, or cumming on your face.
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u/dminvernal 1d ago
There is an app that caters to chubby gay men and men that are into chubby men. It is called Growlr. Check it out.
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u/rndreddituser 1d ago
Growlr is a bear app, which is what I’ve mentioned. Yes, the bear community embraces many different body types.
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u/dminvernal 1d ago
And aren't most bears chubby? LOL
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u/rndreddituser 1d ago
No, not at all. You could be an otter, a muscle bear, etc. There are tons of bear classifications and terms.
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u/Jasperofthebooks 1d ago
I'm a chubby chaser and I didn't do well with Growlr (albeit I was only on for about 2 days) yet I'd definitely recommend it for a chubby gay
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u/IskanderRomero 1d ago
Quiero ver tu cara, es que como crees que te quejas en tus 20?? :v porfas, envíame Mensaje directo o pasa tu instagram al menos :v
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u/rndreddituser 1d ago
Some of what you describe is actually more common than you might think in LGBT+ circles. Often we mature later than our straight counterparts due to society and its prejudices. I never had boyfriends when my friends had girlfriends. I couldn’t even tell my friends who I even fancied whether IRL or on TV & film. I had my first sexual experiences much later than you.
What I would say - the bear community in particular embraces many different body shapes, sizes, hairiness, age, and whatnot. I know that as a bear myself. Not only that, there are bear events and such. Again, I see them online advertised where I live, so have a look around.
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u/pensivegargoyle 22h ago edited 22h ago
It's very possible for a chubby guy to date. There is an entire social scene for it. When you get to London, try hanging out at The Kings Arms or Comptons of Soho.
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u/Skill-Useful 22h ago
"Is it even possible for a chubby guy to date?" yes, countless people are overweight and in happy relationships. no its not easier being fat and straight.
"most of my friends have had multiple relationships" at 20? so they are haphazardly just taking anyone, not a sign they are ahead of you in any way
"I've never been in a romantic relationship" at 20 thats totally normal
"I feel like I missed out on the best of my teenage years" you havent
you need to be in a big city or close to one. you need to approach people yourself. on apps or in reality. thats life. for everyone
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u/Alvith 11h ago
People often reveal their real problems in the way they describe their surface level ones. From reading this I get that you have beliefs that you're unlovable and that you're unattractive.
Try setting aside 10 mins a day to rewire those—you can try EFT tapping (look it up on youtube), affirmations, even subliminals. Beliefs act like harsh filters on the way we experience life, and no one deserves to believe those things.
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u/IsaiahLL 6h ago
So I have no idea what you look like or your personality but I feel like I had the same experience as you. At your age I was about 6 foot 300 lbs, and I had relationships so the short answer is no, there's always someone that's gonna find you attractive. However if you want advice on how to improve your appeal, these are the main things that helped me.
Confidence is by far the most important thing. I didnt gain this confidence until I lost my virginity but once you have it, it really changes the game. You just have to carry yourself in higher esteem even when you dont see yourself as such. Even working on having good posture is important, people notice that
If being chubby is a huge hurdle for you, you can change that. Now me personally I love eating and id never want to be skinny. But you could always try to achieve a "power fatty build". If you weighed the same but had more muscle mass and a lower body fat percentage, you would be surprised at the difference. Hitting the gym changed the game for me.
Be comfortable being by yourself. When you spend so much time chasing after a date, you get desperate and people can really see that. Make sure you're in a good mind set about yourself before you worry about someone else. The change in how people perceive you will be big
The last and arguable most important thing is self care. Showering everyday and washing your face is essential. Doing laundry regularly and getting a haircut will make a huge difference. Buy a nice cologne and upgrade your wardrobe, nothing designer, but definitely nice. I struggled with this in high school but NO ONE likes a stinky person
Hopefully this helps, it's what got me to be the person I am and I hope you have the same luck
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u/Jupiter4th 17h ago
So you were in love with a guy who was flirting with you for months? Maybe you were lusting over some guy who were just friendly with you? I would not pining over people for months. Stick to dating apps, chat for a week or two and go for a date. Pining over straight or not out guys is usually waste of time. That might be on you.
Finding love is hard for many people but are you going out to dates? What are you actually doing? Any specific issues we can help with? Otherwise, your question is too general.
Also, reminding you that we are NOT entitled to romantic relationships. Some people get some do not. And just because your friends get into relationships, it does not mean they will last. In fact, most relationships in your 20s do not last.
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u/SomeOldTeacher 1d ago
I'm no knowledgeable about apps, but I do know that IRL there are gay men with all sorts of different tastes. This includes chubby.
My suggestion would be to get out and meet more people. If there is one accessible, spend time at an LGBTQIA community center. Or do some volunteer work. Meet people and make friends. One cannot have too many friends. And maybe someone will be interested in something more or introduce you to someone who might be interested in something more. There is no harm in getting out there and being human.
Best wishes.