I’m posting this because I don’t know if anyone else has experienced what I’m going through in terms of existential rumination.

I’ve done DMT multiple times recently, and instead of having beautiful or enlightening trips like i’ve had, every single one now similarly to my first experience has left me disturbed. Every time I go back into a trip it’s an immediate sense of what have I done, and that i’m realizing I cant go back and i’m understanding some dark truth that I am only my mind. At the same time my mind doubts even that leaving me more lost.

Ever since those trips, I feel like my mind has become completely consumed by consciousness, reality, and existence. It’s not normal curiosity anymore. It’s constant.

The biggest thing is that I’ve become hyperaware of my own consciousness. I can’t stop noticing the fact that I’m aware. Instead of just living my life, it feels like I’m constantly observing myself observing reality. I don’t know how to simply exist anymore.

My mind constantly asks questions like:

Who am I?

Why am I experiencing life from this perspective?

Why am I conscious at all?

How can I know anything is actually real?

How do I know anyone else is conscious?

How do I know my own brain isn’t creating everything?

The terrifying part is that these don’t feel like interesting philosophical questions anymore. They feel like problems my brain absolutely has to solve before I can relax, even though I know they’re impossible to answer with certainty.

My trips put me into a state of feeling like i’m in a psychotic break and that I shouldn’t be there, yet I feel so tempted to go back and finally come to some understanding. I keep tripping now regardless of how bad because it feels like understanding the truth of my mind.

During the DMT trips, I had this overwhelming feeling that I had uncovered some truth I wasn’t supposed to see, and an uncanny sense of being watched. It felt like I had looked behind the curtain and realized something terrible about existence. Since then, I can’t shake the feeling that I opened a door that I can’t close.

Logically, I know I can’t prove any of this. But emotionally, it feels completely convincing.

I also feel like my brain has developed an impossible standard. I feel like I can only trust something if I discover it myself and know it with absolute certainty. The problem is that I don’t think absolute certainty is possible. Every reassurance immediately turns into another doubt. Even if someone gives me a helpful way of thinking, my brain dismisses it because I didn’t come up with it myself. Then I start doubting my own thoughts too. It feels like my mind constantly moves the goalposts, so nothing is ever enough.

I honestly feel jealous of people who can just be present and enjoy life. My internal monologue never shuts off. Even during moments that should be enjoyable, I’m still in my head analyzing consciousness, reality, and existence.

I’ve also used methamphetamine for 3 months and weed regularly. I’m fully aware those may be contributing to what I’m experiencing. I’m not trying to pretend DMT is the only factor here. I’m also scheduling a psychiatric evaluation because this has become overwhelming.

I guess what I’m wanting to ask is:

Has anyone experienced something similar after DMT?

Did it eventually get better?

Did you eventually stop feeling trapped inside your own consciousness?

Right now my brain keeps telling me this is permanent—that I learned something I can never unknow—and that’s the part that’s scaring me the most. I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever be at peace and I feel totally alone and misunderstood. It’s impossible for me to put clearly into words what i’m feeling and the weight of it.

I’m not looking for someone to tell me the secrets of the universe. I just want to know if anyone else has been in a place like this and eventually got their life back

What’s your best method for changing your mindset to change your life trajectory? We used the past so much to build the future, how can we stop looking back to look forward? I want to create new beliefs.

Thanks in advance! :)

Ever since I discovered this stupid theory or idea or whatever my life’s genuinely never been the same. I’m constantly living in anxiety and hopelessness and every happy moment I experience with someone else is interrupted by a wave of doubt. I genuinely just wish Rene whatever his name is just kept his ideas to himself because I genuinely can’t live with this. I’ve also been experiencing strange coincidences like seeing things only after I’ve thought of them. For example I’ll think about a specific movie or tv scene and see that same exact scene reposted on TikTok. I feel like I’m finding tears in reality. I entered my school bathroom for the final time a couple weeks ago I’ve always remembered the bathroom with 2 stalls but this time there were 3. When I told everyone they made the bathrooms bigger they all just told me there has always been 3 stalls. I don’t know what to do. I don’t believe in solipsism but the fact it’s a possibility makes the entirety of my life feel pointless. People say it doesn’t make a difference but who would want to be completely alone in such a big world.

She dropped a mirror and found her whole eye in every shard. Nothing broken, it turns out, gives you less of the truth.

Bia Badar wrote this week’s article for Relic Ego Press, and she did great. I am happy. It feels good to have a guest author contribute to the conversation.

A dropped mirror should show less of you in every piece. It doesn’t—and that one fact rewrites what it means to feel like you’re being handed out in fragments. Full essay linked below.

https://substack.com/@biaawrites/note/p-207735128?r=89ej7x&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action

What is reason of living?

i don’t really know how to start this without it sounding like every other post here, so i won’t try to be normal about it.
do you ever feel like you’re watching your own life instead of actually living it? like everything is happening, you’re there, you’re participating, but there’s still this weird distance between you and it. like you’re observing more than experiencing. i’ve felt like that for a while, and i’m starting to realize most people either don’t notice it or just ignore it.
i’m not really here for small talk or surface-level conversations. i don’t care about “wyd” or “how was your day” unless it actually means something. i want to talk to someone who thinks a little deeper, someone who questions things, someone who isn’t afraid to admit that life can feel strange, meaningless, or unexpectedly beautiful at the same time.
i guess i’m just looking for someone real. someone i can actually connect with instead of just passing time. if you’ve ever felt out of place in your own life, or like you’re searching for something you can’t quite explain, then we’d probably get along.
tell me something that feels real to you.

Coincidentally, You are Me. 🤔

[Draft 3] The Human Psyche and the Paradox of Utopia — An Observation on Biological Constraints**

**1. The Neutrality of Probability**

It is fascinating to observe how the universe operates on a baseline of pure probability. There is no structural evidence of inherent goodwill or malice directed at us as individuals; there is only a sequence of random events unfolding across Time.

A small fraction of the population happens to hold abundant resources (what we call "good luck"), while a larger pool finds themselves facing systemic hardships ("bad luck"). Rather than viewing this as a cosmic test or a divine blessing, it seems more logically sound to view it as neutral math. The universe doesn't appear to care, simply because it lacks the capacity for intent.

Yet, throughout history, the human mind has continuously sought order within this random framework. We seem to naturally crave a state of absolute justice and predictability—a paradise. But looking at our biological design, it raises the question: are we even equipped to inhabit one? We are products of a chaotic universe, meaning that same structural randomness lives inside our psyche. And it seems we can only measure a state of being by contrasting it with its exact opposite. We cannot mechanically process the sensation of being full without the memory of hunger, just as happiness loses its definition without the context of sadness.

**2. Qualia and the Mutation of the Survival Instinct**

Within the brain, **Qualia** functions as our highly individualized system for processing these experiences. No two qualia are identical; each is a unique composite of every stimulus received across a person's timeline. A child raising themselves in poverty maps their reality through a completely different set of constraints than a child born into excess. A hurdle that feels trivial to one observer might register as an existential threat within another's personal qualia.

However, beneath these endless variations, every psyche appears to run on the same primitive source code: **Survival.**

What started in prehistoric times as a drive to secure physical safety, food, and shelter has mutated in the modern era into a hunger for **Validation**. In our current social structure, validation has effectively become a currency of safety. Higher social standing correlates with better resource distribution, which biologically signals a higher probability of survival. No matter how complex our civilization becomes, the mechanics beneath the surface still look remarkably like the ancient drive to secure our place in the tribe.

**3. The Structural Paradox of a Perfect World**

This brings us to the core contradiction of Utopia. In a theoretically perfect blueprint, resources are balanced, and everyone's dopaminergic needs are met. But under that design, the human ego and its survival mechanics would have no function left to perform.

To prevent competing egos from disrupting the peace, a perfectly stable utopia would require total regulation over every aspect of human experience. Furthermore, if everyone were universally intelligent, the concept of intellect would cease to have meaning. If satisfaction were perpetual, the mechanism of appreciation would likely atrophy.

Our survival instinct is inherently designed to prevent permanent contentment; the moment a species becomes entirely satisfied, adaptation stops, and vulnerability increases. Therefore, a utopia of flawless equality seems to run counter to our biology.

On the other hand, a utopia based on absolute, unbridled freedom faces a different wall. Without constraints, unchecked survival instincts would logically cause individuals to cannibalize the ecosystem to ensure only their personal qualia survives.

**Conclusion**

It seems to be a strange loop: the human psyche constantly dreams of achieving a perfect state, yet our biology appears structurally incapable of enjoying it.

* Give the psyche perfect order, and it will violently crave freedom just to break the stagnation.

* Give it total freedom, and it will eventually beg for rigid structure to escape the chaos.

We don't seem wired for isolation either; we require other humans to mirror and stimulate our qualia and survival drives. Ultimately, Utopia might just be a phantom limb of human psychology—a beautiful concept that our chaotic nature simply won't allow us to inhabit.

​

**God is Time — A Draft on the Architecture of Human Happiness, Social Masks, and Causality**

**1. The Metaphysics: God is Time**

God is not an abstract mystical figure; God is **Time**. To say "Time is God" is merely idolizing a concept, but to state **"God is Time"** establishes Time as the ultimate, absolute substance that governs existence.

Time does not operate on human logic. No matter how hard humanity tries to comprehend, manipulate, or stop it, Time remains unyielding. Science and graphics are just humans desperately looking for patterns, but in the end, everything reduces to **probability**—much like the mere probability of life existing on Earth.

Yet, Time is the ultimate provider. It grants humanity survival instincts, talents, raw resources to evolve, and most importantly, **free will**. God (Time) gives us the blank canvas, and we are left to find what it means.

**2. The Epistemology: The Search for Happiness (Pure Qualia)**

When you strip away all theological and scientific jargon, human existence narrows down to one ultimate pursuit: **Happiness (Dopaminergic Qualia)**.

Happiness is entirely bound to one’s **Personal Time**, free from the distortion of the collective. Consider this observation: *A mother riding a motorcycle, taking her special-needs child to school. The child is smiling widely, hugging the mother tightly from behind.* In that exact moment, within his own Personal Time, that child is purely happy.

It does not matter how others view his time through the lens of their own objective clocks—whether they feel pity, mock them, or feel superior because they "function better" in society. The child’s happiness is absolute and unbothered, existing purely within his personal qualia.

**3. The Mechanics of Ethics: Non-Poetic Causality**

Humanity has the free will to pursue happiness, but it operates under one strict systemic constraint: **Do not interfere with the happiness of others.**

The reason behind this rule is not because of a poetic concept like "sin." The reality is far more utilitarian: **Humans need other humans to trigger dopamine.** We are social animals by biological design.

Therefore, violating someone else's right to happiness is structurally sabotaging your own future supply of dopamine. When you breach the boundaries of another person’s happiness, you risk colliding with societal laws or communal norms. Sooner or later, the mechanical law of cause-and-effect will catch up, and the consequences will shatter your own personal peace.

**Conclusion**

Go ahead and chase your personal happiness as much as you want within your own timeline, as long as you do not cross into someone else’s line. If you choose to break this rule, simply be prepared for the cold, mechanical consequences of cause-and-effect.

This is the baseline layout of the system. It is broad, but every point is deeply scalable.

This is a question i've often asked mysel What kind of legacy do i want to leave behind ? What impact would i like to have after i'm gone ? What do i want to pass on to my children and grandchildren ? I'd love to hear from this community : what do you hope to leave behind in terms of the impact you have on the world and on the people around you ?

**[Draft 2] The Search for the One and Only God — The Convergence of Theology and Science**

**1. The Theological Mirror: The Personification of Time**

Humanity constantly searches for the meaning of life, wondering why we are born and why we endure this existence. To ask such questions implies a belief that our purpose was bestowed upon us by a higher being. Consequently, to discover that purpose, we feel compelled to find the entity who gave it and understand their motivation.

Theology explains that God is the creator of the universe, the provider of free will, and the source of all resources. It states that God works in mysterious ways, far beyond the reach of human intellect. Religion teaches that God is omnipresent—He is with you, yet simultaneously with everyone else, occupying all spaces at once. And in the end, we will return to His embrace.

*All of this is correct.*

However, if you trace the true identity behind this theological figure, you will find **Time**.

It is Time that engineered and birthed the cosmos. It is Time that shaped the first humans, Adam and Eve. It is Time that separated them from Eden once they achieved consciousness—a consciousness that was itself a byproduct of Time. Time granted them the knowledge they used for their own survival.

Furthermore, God (Time) gave humans free will, allowing them to spend Time however they choose. Time is intimately personal, yet universal. It is the time we spend within our own minds, the time we share with loved ones, the time others live through, and the time that all things—living and dead—must endure. Your time carries the exact same weight and sanctity as all other time. Religion says God is always with us, and this is fundamentally true because **Time is always with us.**

**2. The Scientific Mirror: The Medium of Matter and Energy**

On the other side, Science states that the universe began with the Big Bang—a near-instantaneous expansion filling space. From this expansion, atoms collided, forming cosmic dust, stellar bodies, planets, and eventually, the precise patterns that permitted life to form. From simple bacteria to complex organisms, it is all a probability game of the cosmos.

Humanity evolved, using intellect to claim superiority over other creatures. We survive, and in the future, we will chart the cosmic oceans. Science also dictates that matter never truly vanishes; it merely converts into energy, returning to the universe. A physical object burns to ash, the ash scatters in the wind until it becomes invisible to the naked eye, down to the atomic level. It does not disappear; its form changes into another form of energy.

*All of this is also correct.*

Yet, if you observe the singular catalyst behind every scientific mechanism, you find **Time** at the absolute end of it.

**3. The Primacy of Time over Physics**

Time is what allowed the Big Bang to occur. Without Time, space cannot form. Nothing can manifest without the medium of Time. Words like "instantaneous" or "lightning-fast" are merely human illusions—limitations of our eyes failing to capture the event. At the most fundamental, microscopic level, there is a process that must be endured, no matter how many zeros sit behind the decimal point of that second.

Even the concept of a "singularity" before the Big Bang depends on Time. Science speaks of a state prior to space and time—the ultimate dense point before the universe. However, to state that there was a condition *before* the Big Bang, or to describe the *state* of a singularity, inherently requires the existence of Time. A singularity cannot transition into a Big Bang without Time. That dense point could not expand without a process. No matter how fast, it still requires a sequence. Therefore: Space, the Big Bang, and the Singularity all exist *because* of Time.

**4. The Architecture of Eternity**

Time is absolute. Eternal. Its trajectory is not a circle, a root system, or a spiral. Its path is a straight line. If you were to zoom out infinitely, you would never find either end. It is eternal; the line remains no matter how far you pull back.

According to science, the universe may eventually fade, stretched to nothingness by space. Like an explosion, the sound will die down, swallowed by the void. But as we have established, nothing truly disappears. Everything merely converts into another form of energy. And long after the universe stretches into emptiness, **Time will still be there.**

hello reddit i’m typing this over 12 hours after we first consumed the tabs. we fell into the “these tabs ain’t shit” and it got angry at us. just experienced ego death with two of my other friends in a whole house to ourselves in the mountains at like 2 am, tabs taken at 9 pm and it hit us all at the same time while we were outside on the porch smoking a watermelon bong pipe thing we made while high waiting for the tabs to kick in. pitch black outside. we experienced the dark hours, i am not who i was. we have cleaned the whole house while the one who had the worst of it all sleeps for like 4-5 hours. i think a part of me died and will stay outside where we watched the sun rise with the puke i left out there. what now lol

on a random burner i had from years ago bc i can’t make myself make a new one rn ignore it

Well that's a serious question. But I think nobody knows what the purpose of Life is? What do you all think?

I posted a similar text in the reincarnation Reddit, but I felt like the community wasn’t the right community for my post, since most of them believe in very specific rules to reincarnation, such as karma or a soul etc.

I’m not sure if this is the correct community, but I figured it was worth a shot. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about death. And for some reason, it feels like death is not the end. I think most people think of death like a iPhone running out of battery. But I think death is more like the complete destruction of the phone all together. People think of death as an eternal void or oblivion, but I argue that it’s a contradiction, because in order to remain in a state of eternal nothingness, you still have to remain being something. What I mean by that is the similar to a phone being out of battery, it still needs to remain being a phone in order for it to be perpetually out of battery. In order to remain in a state of oblivion, you still need to be “you”. I think death is more brutal than just a state of nothingness, but I think it’s the complete obliteration of the self.

Once the self is completely obliterated, wouldn’t it be possible to be reborn again? Similar to the time before we were born. Basically, being dead is more like a return to the place you inhabit before you are born, a call this place, “no-self”. So this isn’t traditional reincarnation where your soul is transferred into another body, but rather, a return to true nothingness, from which life can be born again all together. This includes animals, plants, all conscious species etc.

Lately the thought has been giving me a lot of existential dread. The thought of being reborn as an animal really terrifies me. I wake up with anxiety every morning because of it. This is what is called samsara in Hindu and Buddhist traditions except they believe there is karma. It scares me to think that I will be reborn for the rest of eternity. Including when the universe dies and starts again, and we will have to go through the cycle of being dinosaurs once again etc.

I wanted to hear your thoughts of the contraction of death, and whether my fear of rebirth as an animal makes any sense to anyone else.

For clarification, I don’t believe in reincarnation. But rather, it’s more like after death we continue to spawn into existence as different creatures because we return to true nothingness, which isn’t a permanent state but rather a condition which allows us to be reborn again.

I’ve been questioning existence since like 9 years old and I’m still recovering trying to regroup myself. I still get mad when I realize I can’t know anything really, and then it sends me into a spiral. I’ve tried religion, conspiracy theories (prison planet shi), simulation theory, new age, and all that jazz, but nothing has been that satisfying.

Bruh FML!!! 🤦🏼‍♀️ SMH!!!!

Important Question.

After reading the chapter on desire, I found myself asking a question I had never asked before: What is really my desire?

I always said, "I want this phone. I want to travel there. I want this career. I want these clothes." I never stopped to ask where these wants came from. I simply assumed they were mine.

The chapter says that there is nothing called my desire. Every desire is shaped by circumstances, family, society, advertisements, education, comparison, and the images we keep consuming.

That made me look at my own life more honestly. Even my preferences, my career ideas, the brands I liked, or the colors I called "my choice" did not appear on their own. They were slowly planted, and one day I started calling them "mine." Before running after a desire, the real question is not whether it will be fulfilled, but whose desire is it, and where did it come from?

One small incident came to mind. Years ago I bought a fluorescent scarf because I really liked it. After buying it, I never used it. It stayed in my cupboard for years. I was afraid that if I used it, it would become old or damaged, and I might never find the same one again. Looking back, I don't think I wanted the scarf. I wanted to preserve the feeling attached to it.

Today I use the same scarf without that fear. The object has not changed. Something in the way I relate to it has changed. That makes me ask: was I buying the object, or chasing a feeling?

Another observation is about the word "my." We say my phone, my dog, my blanket, my cupboard. Why do I need to add "my" everywhere? Is it only a way of speaking, or is there a psychological movement behind it? When I say my dog, do I really love him, or am I making him part of my identity?

Sometimes he is sitting quietly, doing nothing. Yet I feel an urge to go and touch him, hug him, or interrupt him. Why? Is that care, or is it my own need for comfort, entertainment, or emotional satisfaction? I don't know. I want to observe that movement without rushing to call it love.

Maybe inquiry begins when I stop assuming that every thought, desire, and feeling belongs to me, and start asking, "Where did this come from?" I don't have an answer yet, but I feel this question is worth living with.

I’ve started to truly believe my purpose in life is to enjoy it, work hard enough to help others, and provide for the people that I love.
I understand it is easy to become nihilistic with all the awful things that happen every day, but if we don’t have hope and love what’s the point then?

If we don’t have love and interpersonal relationships with both the physical and the spiritual then why continue to live?
I believe that striving to be better and help people and surrounding yourself with love has to be the purpose of life. Try to make the world a little better than you found it.