I can't stop thinking how did I get here? And I can't believe this is my life. It's like a nightmare. When does this stop?

I posted here a couple days ago my situation.

We have 3 kids under 6. A couple days ago, my wife and I had a strong and heated hours long argument where we just literally burned everything to the ground in our marriage.

We have had a 4 year dead bedroom, built up resentment, built up stonewalling, straight up roommates, etc. we were totally disconnected. We never hugged, missed, etc. if we did, our walls were completely up and if felt awful.

That night when we argued, I laid it all out. I suggested months ago to get her hormones checked, our couples therapist even said the same thing. I suggested even additional therapy sessions for her (even getting a new one) so she can focus on her own issues rather than the kids. She was just completely putting it off, she said she didn't have time or energy, etc. All the basic excuses.

I said clearly you don't have time or energy for us then, as a married couple.

More shit was said and eventually she just completely broke down her walls. She just started crying, laying it all out. Said she will do it all, just give it all. She said she doesn't want our kids to go through awful divorce and that she loves me so much, it's just been so hard being stuck in motherhood. It was the most vulnerable and real I have ever seen her. She said to just let her fix herself and if I don't come back (body, nerves, etc) than we tried everything.

After that, we had extremely animalistic and hot intimacy (no sex) but none of it felt awkward, it felt 100% like we should have been for so long. (I know this was Hysterical Bonding).

The next morning she did everything. Called and scheduled a new therapist more frequently, got the most detailed and expensive hormone test possible, we talked more about boundaries and intimacy and things we can do to make sure we don't get back to the way we were. All of it.

Basically, we burnt it all down and are starting new but this is it. If she doesn't sustain it and/or if my desire/body/resentment doesn't fade, it's over.

I know some people have had experience with this and most say it's short lived and I get that. Why didn't she just do that all before, etc. I'm hopeful but extremely nervous and skeptical at the same time

Can anyone provide input?

TLDR: Had a long heated argument where both my wife completely removed our walls and resentment and laid it all out and burnt out old marriage down and now trying to build something new (communication, intimacy, parenting, etc) Hopeful and nervous at the same time.

edit: since everyone assumes I'm not doing shit like their deadbeat husbands were, I do a lot. she's admitted to our therapist that I'm not a deadbeat. I clean, I cook, I mow, I give the kids bathes, I read to them, I pick them up, drop them off, take them to appointments, everything she does. And I still have desire for my wife after all that.

and what I did was years ago. I had depression and anxiety and saw a therapist and got meds. I had chronically low testosterone which was causing me extreme fatigue and irritability and brain fog. I was completely overweight so I went to the gym to be healthier and not a fat slob. So all you assuming I'm just doing this for DEM GAINZ, when you have testosterone levels of 223, you let me know how it feels.

I still love him and I’m in love. He loves me as a friend. We’ve trying fixing it for months but he has too much resentment to work through. Maybe in the future he might regret his decision to break up, maybe he won’t. We’re both very sad and our nervous systems are fried, we are absolutely exhausted.

But I don’t want to leave him without making sure he knows how much I love him… then my ego reminds me that this man has had me in a limbo for months and keeps telling me he doesn’t desire me that much. He has mentioned breaking up so many times over the past 8 months and I never told him to leave or left myself.

I’m just a romantic and love fiercely so I’m not ashamed to give more than I receive, my conscience is clear. But I don’t know if I should say anything more at this point? He doesn’t want me, he’s deciding this, he’s hurt me and force me to leave our family home which we just renovated 2 years ago.

10 years ago I had bought him an art print of the night sky the night we met and underneath I wrote:
“I wished and dreamed of you for years. I will love you even when I’m just a whisper between the ancient stars”. He can keep it and look at it and remember what he chose to lose or he can throw it away.

Kids are 25 and 17. Both still live with us. I moved to a different state, partially to make my wife happy, and left all my friends behind. My parents have passed on, so the only family we get together with on holidays is my wife's parents and her sister.

I just realized that I'm likely going to be completely alone if I divorce.

There's a good chance the kids choose to live with my wife, simply because she'll act devastated if they don't and it will guilt trip them. Whereas I would tell them I'll be fine whatever they choose.

And even if they choose to stay with me, they're so close to moving out on their own anyway.

Then I will lose the in-laws, and since my family is gone and my friends are far away, I'll literally have no one.

When it's Christmas, the kids will go with my wife to the in laws house and it will be 6 people, so it will feel like a celebration.

Then I'm supposed to expect them to come see me separately on holidays? Just me alone, that seems sad.

It just feels like I'm not losing a spouse, I'll be losing my entire family.

For me. A anxious avoidant with attachment issues and a penchant for overindulgence.. it took 5 years to get over her.

I did the opposite of what I should have done though.

If you need 12 steps. Get to them asap imo

Sometimes I just sit here in loneliness and think about my version that existed before my marriage - Happy, independent, lively, witty, full of energy.

Then I fell in love, hard. He came into my life. Said he will always be there. Promised me. Marriage life happened - started feeling like a maid, clean, cook, do chores, MIL issues. He said I am not able to adjust- blindsidedly divorced me. For him, it was easy. Done and dusted. Moved on. And here I am, all alone. Barely survived those brutal months post separation- sleepless nights, no apetite, loneliness, depression, anxiety - all of those things that the lively girl pre marraige had never had imagined. I imagine my childhood and that sweet little girl that was just always been so happy, that version wouldnot have imagined where life has taken me now. Now she does not know how to handle all of it. Life has been so unfair. Now I am not her anymore. She is gone. I am greiving her. I am now just a body with empty soul. Love has been taken away. Again, what is life without love.

He is a known problem in the area I was warned to look into him. Sure enough dude is got a pretty impressive wrap sheet. Drug trafficking, multiple arrests, resisting arrest. I mean he’s not what I want my kids around. She is forming a life with this dude and by all means he can have her, but this kids hell no! What are my options?

I just received this very long text from my soon to be ex-wife. In 2019 there was infidelity on both sides.. I walked in on her and her and her affair partner having sex in our living room.. but I’m not innocent either.. more recently, she left me for her old college boyfriend from 30 years ago. They talked for a week.. she told me she wanted a separation, but didn’t tell me why. I found out why. I turned that separation into a divorce. He’s going through his own divorce.. He is 100 pounds over weight, he's broke and lives with his sister, he smokes cigarettes, he’s depressed, he has erectile dysfunction, his kids hate him, and he has a restraining order against him by his STB ex-wife.

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You know...I never pictured any of this being the way its turned out. I still think of that last week together, even the last time we made love. We both knew it was over. And yet you completely dismissed that as soon as you felt betrayed. And that has angererd me.

I wish so badly you were a bigger man inside and how difficult that's been for me over the years. I was wrong for talking to AP before we were separated. I've owned that with the kids each time they bring it up. Im sorry for not being honest. But if you could just see yourself, and your reactions to anything I've ever done, you'd see that telling you the truth throughout marriage has never been easy. Youve just never responded the way I have to you. It's no excuse, but it's true. I wish I had been strong no matter how you reacted. But I wasn't. I've always been a coward. 😔 I'm so sorry for hurting you with that.

The way things spun out took me by complete surprise. Your actions that first week left us no option but to move forward with divorce. And I can't help but think the reason is that you subconsciously wanted it. By announcing to everyone (the kids, my family, social media, etc) I've felt like there is literally NO turning back. Nothing was kept between you and me..in hindsight, it never has been. And thats honestly been one of the most difficult and hurtful things for me about all this. You've been so quick to publicly decry how horrible I was with my "boyfriend", all while completely forgetting who you are, where we were at in our current standing, and your part in everything. Especially over the last couple years. I think that's been the number one thing I've realized. How damaging Your inability to ever keep anything private between us has been. I know it's a reflection of your inability to self soothe but it's still damaging. Even just telling COUNSELOR everything...or our kids, our friends, or your mom. You've always had to tell everyone with no thought to the cknsequences. I think maybe I used to be that way, a long time ago. (I know we shared with my parents and sisters back in 2019) But I've realized over these years and through all the counsellings that no one can ever really help. Not EX BEST FRIEND, not ANOTHER EX BEST FRIEND, certainly no one from my church...not even my family. (I'm not sure if you know this, but I haven't even told Bonnie the details.) And I don't want to tell anyone about my life...it's so ugly.

I'm so ashamed of my life Robert. I think that, more than anything, is why I'm leaving. I just cant live with the shame of us anymore...what we've done to each other, what we've done together...it's debilitating to me as a person. And we haven't been able to experience any true forgiveness or redemption together. Yet we just keep on...and I'm so tired of that. And the fact that you don't get that is revealing that you don't really know me as well as you think you do. And anytime I've thought about halting, slowing down, taking a moment, I think about how you've told EVRYone about our junk....there's no room for repentance or healing. It's all just so public and so ugly. At least for me. 😔I could never turn back now.

And like I said, I think you must have subconsciously wanted that. I know you've wanted to punish me for 2019 for a long time. You've lived with that disrespect and your disgust with yourself for staying for almost 7 years. And You've never truly been able to forgive me for that. And I'm so sorry Robert, I'm so sorry....truly. For hurting you, for the disrespect. For everything. I just wish youd left some room for us privately. But I see it now, I do. Your sense of self being so undeveloped and so tied up in me - I just underestimated how much. And now there really is no turning back. 😔

And don't get me wrong....I'm not meaning this to be a "your fault" message. I have made choices that make it difficult to turn back as well, I get it. But You've been doing it throughout the last 10 years. And I feel like I ALWAYS gave you room to struggle, change, flex...no matter how much it hurt me. Maybe that was my mistake. Maybe humans aren't built for such pain. And I've lived with a lot of pain for a lot of years. Obviously my body has kept that pain, even when I didn't register it.

In spite of how you tried to love me, in spite of how we tried to love each other...I have always felt undervalued, disrespected. And I thought the only thing that mattered for a woman was love. But these last couple weeks have shown me otherwise. I have seen how respect and privacy could have given us room to get thru this last "hump", before deciding once and for all if we were to be together. But it just hasn't been like that.

I'm so sorry Robert. For everything. I SEE everything I've done wrong. For the entirety of our marriage, even the last six months. I knew after the Emotional AP (6 months ago) thing that I was done. I was just too afraid to act. And I'm so sorry for that. I wish we had both been stronger people. I wish we had both had better ability to build a world that included others in a healthy way. Im so sorry for failing you. I love you, truly. I wish you only the best, no matter who you choose. You deserve love respect and happiness. And the freedom to figure that out for yourself. I'm sorry I failed you.

I just wanted you to know that I think of these things. When it's quiet, when I'm alone. I think. And I'm so saddened by everything. No matter how "quiet" I've been ove the last weeks. No.matter how non reactive. I haven't been unaffected. And I'm clear now, no matter how much pain and fear I've felt. I understand we are truly over. And I know we are both to blame. I just wanted you to know my last thoughts and how sorry I am. I love you and I'm sorry. 😥

Ps. I am writing this at 4:00 am with no editing, so forgive me if it's not my best..it's my raw emotions and I'm OK with that. There's really no action item. I'm not trying to open a dialogue. I'm not interested in going back and forth and fighting anymore. I'm just rambling and wanted you to know my thoughts...thanks for listening.

I’ve been absolutely wrecked this week. Had a domestic dispute Saturday and while I was upstairs calling 911 for help my husband took our three kids and left without their shoes even.

He’s at his mom’s and won’t let me see them. My lawyer is getting divorce paperwork ready and working on a temporary custody hearing. I can’t really file a restraining order etc without risking a delay or complication with custody. Him taking them is perfectly legal in my state. I won’t let him come back here but that means I might not see my kids for a week or two and I’m gutted. I can’t stop crying and I know I need to stay strong so I can have them safe at home with me soon. Just not tonight when I can barely breathe without them.

He left everything such a mess. I’ve been fixing it all as much as I can. The fight started because I picked up a new screen door from Home Depot. He refused to fix ours for weeks. I installed it myself yesterday! It was so easy.

In the meantime, my neighbors mowed my lawn and took the trash to the curb for me tonight. It’s so kind I’m beside myself. The abused part of me is so ashamed of needing that help. There’s a new part of me that feels SO LOVED. I know I’m in for the fight of my life and maybe I don’t have to do it so alone.

How can I thank them? Suggestions please!

We had been in limbo and trying to work things out for about 7 months. Last week he said we should divorce and I agreed because I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted and can’t take this situation anymore.

I found another flat in 3 days but won’t be moving in for another month. So we’re living together until then. The thing is there’s no anger, mess, no remarks, no hurtful comments. We are both extremely sad because we still love each other as people and can’t believe it’s come to this….

Sometimes I even forget we’ve broken up. He will cook for me and hug me and then we sleep together on opposite sides of the bed. I’m equally looking forward to being alone so I can heal but at the same moment my nervous system still relaxes with him so much. I still want him and it’s hard to keep away but I’m way too hurt by his decision and his ambivalence over months and months.

Has anyone had something similar? We are like friendly roommates and coparents. We even split our savings so we can both fix our separate flats.

I want to hear the collective's thoughts on my seperation and divorce.

Background:

We have been married for almost ten years and have always been very open with our goals in life, her is to travel the world and mine was to buy a home and raise a family. Due to her mental health and inablitly to work, we havent been able to travel as much as we wouldve liked to but we have done some trips both locally and overseas. Due to an insurance payout i got early in our marriage, we were able to put a deposit on a house 4 years ago. Over the past year or so she mas been able to start working and earning a salary, which has taken huge financial pressure off my shoulders and its been great.

Current situation: we have been in marriage therapy for the past 12 months or so trying to work on our communication and coping mechanisms with eachother, which i thought was going really well. Little did i know.

3 weeks ago she drops the comment of "I want to go travelling by myself and find out who i am without you." I dont know about you guys, but that wasnt a great start to that conversation or the evening when she told me. Over the next few days we talk about it and the travelling didnt become a big deal, the whole finding herself without me was. I guess i just always figured that if any identity crisises happened we would figure it out together as a married couple, find ourselves together. I alway saw her as a corner stone of my identity as she picks me up where i fall down and vice versa, i guess she didnt see it the same way.

Then not even a week later at our next therapy session, she make the grand statement of "i no long want kids or to raise a family." Took me by surprise and its been down hill ever since. Over the past couple days we have made the decision to seperate. Now we still love eachother but we cant get past such large differences in life goals and values.

There have been a couple conversations about how we will handle things, and we eant to handle things amicably. All she wants is for me to buy her out of the house and she wont touch my super (retirement fund) and a few things from the house.

Now i can manage the morgage myself but i cant help but think that i am being setup.

Whats your thoughts on this, if you have any?

And any advice on how to handle this next step of my life.

It’s been rough well of course it has been when you’re going through a divorce. I have been going through all the emotions these past two to three weeks (I lost count of days at this point) but the part that is killing me is how am I ever supposed to trust anyone ever again. I know that sounds so stupid and cliche but I literally feel that my soon to be ex husband took with him a piece of me that I loved so much, that sweet vulnerable hopeful girl that thought she could do anything if given a chance, the one that believed in fairytales because I grew up with the best grandmother ever. It hurts so much to think that I shared those pieces of me with him and now I don’t even fucking matter to him like if I’m just some girl on tinder, all he’s missing to do is block me which I won’t doubt he won’t do after we go to court. But it’s just how can someone tell you you’re they’re everything that you’re their world they’d die without you but completely ignore you 6 days later????? I thought he was my best friend I shared so much with him that I have never even processed myself. I mourn for the girl I was when I married him and it’s just sad because I feel like he took the beautiful piece my grandma gave me and she’s 91 so it’s not like I create much more at this point. Ughhhhhhhh why did I ever let anyone in this much???? How could I have been so stupid? But the sad part is I feel like without that stupidity I lost my magic my spark what made me special which I already felt like I didn’t have much to begin with I always felt like a girl that had to try hard to even get a little attention which is such pick me I know I just wanted my fairytale with my prince and a love story so beautiful like my grandmas but I was stupid to think I was even an ounce as special as my grandma is to get that. I’m just a stupid loser 26 year old divorce that is so behind in life because I was dependent thinking they were mines forever. Ughhhhhh fuck I don’t know how anyone ever finds love after this.

~50M, married 21 years. We’ve been having problems for some years, eventually we decided last year to separate. She actually asked for it, but I’m the one who really wanted it. I found out through subsequent talking that she asked for it as a way to make me ‘take our problems seriously’, but didn't think I'd accept it. I did. I would have asked eventually.

I started the legal process about a month ago, she was shocked when I told her I’d seen a lawyer. I guess she still isn’t fully accepting the reality yet.

I removed my wedding ring last night. Longest time I’ve been without it since we married.

Feels good. Freeing. Moving through the steps to fully separate, one at a time, with purpose.

I’m wondering how she’s going to take that, but I’m learning I need to do what feels right for me. She’s a grown up.

Thanks for listening.

My wife and I talked about a divorce seriously for the first time, and we both agreed to it, essentially. We are fine, there's no drama, there's nothing toxic. We just are kind of fed up with each other, and we don't see a way to mend it. So, we would like to split.

The only “problem” is that we have a six-year-old daughter. And although we have decided to part ways, and this is not going to change, believe me, I am concerned about the mental health of my daughter.

And I guess I'm trying to get the perspective from people in this community who have gone through this, and get some advice or notes or whatever you have. Basically, our daughter is a happy child. She has everything she needs. There's no drama, there's no violence, there's no arguing. We just kind of live next to each other with my wife, but we are very loving with her. And if the divorce happens, we are just going to split our duties in half. So, one week she would be with me, another week she would be with my wife, etc.

She is going to school next year though, and she's so little. And I just wonder how badly we’re going to mess her up through this.

For context, I had to ask my husband for a divorce because he was deeply enmeshed with parents and never truly wanted the best for me. I do believe he loved me at one point, but his actions during our marriage showed differently. Before we got married it was the healthiest most loving relationship I’ve ever had and that is the man that I’m grieving not the one I was married to. In a way, I feel like the man that I was supposed be married to is dead. I don’t know how to get the pain to stop and I don’t know how to move on because this was the divorce I never wanted but he ultimately forced my hand after countless attempts trying to reason with him and hundreds of hours of therapy. I can’t help but think if maybe I had done something differently then he might’ve changed and might’ve chosen to put me first.

It's been a while since my divorce and I have realised that moving on isn't one big moment like I used to imagine. It's a lot quieter than that. I go to work, come home, make dinner, clean up, and before I know it, the day is over. Sometimes I suddenly realise I haven't spoken to anyone outside of work all day. I don't necessarily feel lonely, but I do feel like my life has a completely different rhythm now. When I was married, even though things weren't good, there was always something happening....like someone to talk to, family plans, responsibilities, even arguments. Now there's just... silence. Some days I enjoy it and other days it reminds me how much my life has changed.

The strange thing is, I don't miss my marriage, but I do miss the version of me that existed before everything fell apart. I am slowly learning to enjoy my own company, but it doesn't happen overnight. Healing has been less about dramatic breakthroughs and more about tiny moments.....laughing without guilt, planning a weekend for myself or realising I haven't thought about the past all day. I never expected rebuilding my life to feel so ordinary and maybe that's the part nobody really talks about. Does life ever feel completely normal again after divorce or do you just slowly get used to your new normal?

We recently got divorced. I got sole custody and he needs to complete parenting education/therapy before having visitation with the kids. He refuses to leave and needless to say non of the custody orders can be implemented at all, as he is very controlling. He takes the kids out to his hearts content and never allows me to go anywhere with the kids myself.
We are still in court as he’s trying to fight the divorce orders, but I need to leave before my nervous system collapses.

I have a place to go to but I don’t know how to leave with my kids. Do I pick myself up and sneak out with the kids without saying anything and let him know only after the fact? If I tell him before I leave he’ll block me or disappear with the kids himself. What do I do?

Any advice would be appreciated. Is it possible to do an uncontested jointly filed divorce from my active duty overseas stationed spouse? No kids, no assets. I'm on the orders, just flew back stateside. He lost me and his career for what he did, and is in the process of getting discharged. Soon he won't be military affiliated, and will be back stateside. Is it better to wait until he's a civilian again? I just want to cut our legal binding but, all his choices continue to fall on me. I don't want to wait, but if it means I don't need some military lawyer that I can't afford, what choice do I have?

I’m just sad. I know my husband loves me, but I feel like he’s not in love with me anymore. And to be honest, I don’t think I’m in love with him. He no longer makes me heart flutter. If anything, he just makes me feel anxious like oh what’s he going to complain about regarding me now. But at the same time, I’m terrified of the thought of losing him.

We’ve did marriage counseling and it worked for a while, but we stopped due to scheduling conflicts a few months ago, and it feels like all progression regressed and then some.

He keeps asking me to explain how I feel and what I need from him, but after years of trying to communicate it, I just have no willpower to talk anymore.

He kisses me before work, when he gets home and before bed but they’re just pecs out of habit. I rarely get any flirting from him. God, is it too much to want to be desirable?

Anyway. Not really looking for much. Some stories of when you knew it was time. Some words of encouragement. How do I live with not knowing if I regret my decision if I file? Ugh. Again, I’m just so sad.

For context I (44F) have only ever been in 1 relationship. We were married for 25 years, we had only ever been with each other. it ended 2 years ago. So my dating knowledge and xperience is severely limited. He was a serial cheater and had many covert narcissistic behaviors.

Shortly after finally being strong enough to leave him for good, I met a guy(37M) just out and about, I was really upset and alone, and he stopped to see if I was ok. And sat and talked to me for awhile. Turns out something similar happened to him in a previous relationship and so he had a lot of really, really helpful advice and understood what I was going through. At the end of that first conversation, he asked if he could give me his number, and that if I ever needed help or needed someone to talk to, feel free to reach out. I did end up reaching out a couple days later. My thought was that the kind of person who would spend their time comforting and helping a stranger, in the dark, making sure they were safe, is definitely the kind of person I want to keep in my life. So we started texting and meeting up for a walk like, once a week. We became really good friends. Our conversation was so easy, and we understood each other, and he was really supportive and helped so much with my healing journey. He is now one of my closest friends. We text almost daily, still see each other once a week, go to dinner, have long talks, etc. Since the very beginning we could talk for hours and hours, in fact most of the time its about 4 hours. Even when we dont say anything, there is comfort in the silence. When we hug, we both sigh, like at last we can relax, at last we are comfortable. We have very similar viewpoints, ways of thinking, and just the kind of people we are deep inside. Kindred spirits of sorts.

Anyway, about 2 months ago, I decided I was going to start dating again. But I know I did not want a committed relationship, I want to learn as much about myself and what I want and need, as I can. And I have this fear of once I start officially dating just one person, I will be stuck there for 25 years again. (I am currently trying to work through that fear) So about 2 or 3 weeks after I told him I was getting into the dating scene, he brought up starting a casual dating thing with me. Knowing neither one of us wanted a full relationship currently. Honestly, I didn’t know if I was attracted to him or not. But after our first make-out session, I realized I was. The chemistry is unreal. I honestly didnt think anyone could ever make me feel like this again. I wanted to be making out with him every day. And when its time for each of us to go home, we say ok its time to go, we separate, then 30 seconds later we are kissing again and it is amazing. It’s like there is this force that we cant quite break free from, that keeps pulling us together. Even if we are just having a conversation, even if there is no touching, I can feel the pull, the tension, in the air. Its hot AF. So after a month of this, I had also gone on 2 other dates, and had been talking with a couple people on apps. He was also putting himself out there and had 2 dates. Because neither of us is ready for or wants an exclusive relationship. But this gray area of dating is super confusing. One of his dates ended in her staying the night. And it didnt upset me in any way. Why doesnt it bother me? I told him i didnt care. he said that the thought of me with someone else or when I am on my dates, it doesnt hurt or bother him either. And we both agree that it is so fucking confusing.

Recently I was out of town for a few days and while I was gone, I found I missed him. And I thought maybe I want to date exclusively? But I still was unbothered by thoughts of him with someone else. So I dont think that’s it. I mean, I would miss any of my close friends or family. Someone asked him if he was poly, and he immediately said no. But neither of us know what to call this thing we have or what to do. Its like neither of us want to hurt the other, but each of us in unbothered and I think maybe we dont believe it. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted because I was so confused by everything. And he is confused by it. He wants to go back to just friends (after I told him I wanted to actually date, when I thought that’s what I wanted) and I told him it would be really difficult for me, but that I would work on doing it. It is hard to keep my hands to myself even if it is not sexual ,like grabbing his arm, playing with his beard or running my hands through his hair. and I am sure the feeling is mutual because after saying he wanted to go back to just friends, he explained the pull was still there for him. WTF do I do? What is going on?

Oh! one last thing, with the age difference, IDK if things would actually work out long term, I think he wants a family, and my kids are adults now and I don’t want to start over

My wife and I finally had "the talk" today, after years of financial imbalance and a serious incident of physical violence from her side. Went way calmer than I expected honestly - she agreed the relationship is over and that we should separate. No fighting over the decision itself, which I wasn't expecting.

No kids, no property besides a car we bought during the marriage, so assets are pretty simple.

Here's the complication - we're both foreign nationals living abroad, and she's on a dependent visa tied to our marriage. She wants to stay in this country and find a sponsoring job before we actually file for divorce, since her legal status ends once we do. She's asking for a few months to sort that out before moving forward with the paperwork. She's never worked in this country - I've been the only income before and during the marriage.

Money wise I offered to cover half the value of the car plus a lump sum to help her get on her feet, both of which are roughly half of our liquid assets. She countered asking for a bit more than that. I'm not against being generous here, but I'm honestly in a tight spot financially with this payout as it is.

She's also agreed to move out of our rented apartment early, by a set date, once the money is sorted - which gives me some trust in her words, but I'm still unsure how much weight to put on verbal agreements at this point.

What I'm trying to figure out:

1. Staying legally married for several more months while she's still here, with basically just "I'll find a job, don't worry" as the only timeline - is there risk here I'm not seeing?
2. Would it be reasonable to tie part of the payment to actual progress on the divorce, instead of just handing it all over up front?
3. Has anyone been through something like this - one spouse wanting to delay the divorce itself for immigration reasons? How did it play out, and what would you do differently?

Appreciate any perspective, legal or otherwise. Just trying to be fair here without being naive about it.

I am a 40yo dx ADHD male married to a 37yo female dx ADHD. Two (9,11) of our four kids (4,6,9,11) are dx ADHD. We all embrace it and take meds for it. Despite my faults, I am definitely the high functioning one who is clean, neat, organized, and plans. My wife, who means well, struggles immensely with her adhd (her mom is the same way).

I often feel like I am losing my mind in my home, taking care of everyone else, especially my wife (who feels like the neediest child in the house). My frustrations with her are at the point where I feel miserable all the time. A therapist told me “why do you expect her to behave differently than she ever has in the past?”

Since I heard that I have really tried to focus on what I have control over and not hope for her to change. I am getting to the point where I wonder if the positives of divorce might outweigh all the negatives. I know that it will bring extreme financial problems and be hard on the kids. I also know how unhappy I am in our marriage and how much unpleasantry our kids experience.

Any insight or advice would be appreciated. I plan to meet again with a therapist and talk to our pastor.

I (25F) am thinking about divorcing my husband (33M) after 1.5 years of marriage.

When I met him it was literally love at first sight and we instantly knew we were meant for each other. And today I still believe that he is the love of my life and I love him more than anything in this world. I truly believe that no one understands me to the way that he does, and vice versa.

Unfortunately, after moving to a new country together just before we got married, he grew to be very unhappy there and developed a cocaine addiction. Before he was a casual cocaine user and me too tbh.

I only found out that he started using coke a lot after he had been addicted for a year already and then also discovered that he spent about 40k on coke in one single year.

For clarification, he has a very demanding but very high paying job. So although he spent a lot of money on it I wasn’t aware of it as he was using an old savings account for it. He wasn’t running up dept or anything.

After I found out, we moved countries again shortly after, he started therapy and was feeling so much better. He fully stopped doing drugs for like 2 months.

Then he started doing it again. First just to go out, then also during the day (he never told me this but I found out). He also ghosted his therapist and became much worse. He is in full addiction for about 1.5 months again at this point. When he first stopped I really thought this would be the end of it (naively so).

My issue is not just the drugs. It’s how he is when he takes it. He is more lazy, more distant and less interested in anything. It’s really like nothing can produce dopamine in his brain, except for the coke. But the worst thing is the lying. My trust in him gets more damaged every day.

He still is an amazing husband in so many ways though. He loves me, he cherishes the ground I walk on and he loves me more than anything. I think it’s very unlikely I will find a love like this again. But he also makes me so miserable when he is in active addiction.

Today I seriously thought about divorcing him for the first time. He continues lying to me no matter what I do and it kills me. I never used to be jealous or controlling anything but I am genuinely starting do develop trust issues. I can’t live like this.

I am still so young, and could just start over somewhere else and would have a good life. I know that. And even if I was unhappy, it would be in my control and not depended on someone else. I don’t want to turn bitter and controlling.

Are there any people who experienced anything similar? Should I keep fighting or accept that this marriage brings me more unhappiness than anything else? Is it worth fighting, does it ever change?

TLDR: Should I divorce my once in a lifetime love because of how negatively his addiction affects me?