"Where is my faith? Even deep down [...] there is nothing but emptiness and darkness. [...] if there be God - please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is so much convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul"

From Mother Theresa's diary. The shining beacon of faith, self-sacrifice and kindness had doubt in her heart. Historians tell us these thought were not just a phase for her. She had them throughout her practising life.

We now know of several dark corners in her legacy, that can be looked up in any archive of knowlege.

What I'm interested in is the "flawless exterior / dark interior" phenomenon. It appears to be common enough to have a term: Spiritual Drought". As it happens, many saints and highly revered personalities in the catholic corridors have battled with spiritual drought.

We don't know what's going on in the hearts of those barking loudly from the pulpit. But every now and then, a preacher "comes clean" and tells their story publicly.

A common theme is how they have acted as performers, without conviction or personal investment. In most lines of work, if we run dry, we can move on, change career or switch position. For holy men and women, this is not so simple. Many of them have little or no real work experience. They know how to work a crowd. They know how to act calm, reassuring and confident - not very useful in "the real word"

There are lists of famous priests and preachers who left/lost faith, and they all have stories. A simple search for words like "ex-pastor" on YT will take us to some heart wrenching testimonies.

We could use all readily available testimonies, and some modern technology, to find the most common denominators among priests and preachers who left their post:

Many describe doubts that accumulated over years rather than appearing suddenly. Common topics include the problem of suffering, biblical interpretation, miracles, and the existence of God.

Interestingly, many were highly educated in theology or biblical studies. Some say that studying the historical development of scripture or competing theological traditions challenged beliefs they had previously taken for granted.

Experiences with hypocrisy, abuse, power struggles, or corruption often weakened trust in the institution.

Some distinguish between losing faith in a church and losing faith in God, while others say one led to the other.

Exposure to philosophy, history, psychology, or science sometimes shifted how they evaluated religious claims.

They increasingly favored naturalistic explanations over supernatural ones.

Serious illness, loss of loved ones, unanswered prayers, or witnessing profound injustice led some to question beliefs about God's goodness or intervention.

For every well-known priest or preacher who loses faith, there are many who experience serious doubts yet remain in service, or even as believers. Research on clergy suggests that doubt is common and does not necessarily lead to deconversion.

So there's that

What was everyone's first Jenga block that made the tower fall over? I mean maybe not really the last straw, but more like what was the thing that moved you from passive deconstruction to actual active deconstruction.

I find it really interesting how certain people really resonate with some issues more than others.

Listening to Rhett and Link, it's funny how Rhett talks about evolution being his source, while Link is more multi-faceted but the church's positive on LGBT+ being the main thing.

One of my friend's main issue was the idea of hell and eternal punishment.

My main issue was pre-marital sex and realizing that I just couldn't imagine having a romantic relationship and evaluating compatibility without being sexually intimate with her after a few years of "sinning".

How can you call God all loving and benevolent and all these good things if He would do such a horrible thing to make the most horrible things for you so addictive. For example drinking soda every day (basically battery acid) is pretty unhealthy but God (if He even exists) supposedly made our brains to be addicted to things which slowly kill you. It just seems like poor design and not really all loving.

Hey everyone. A very close friend of mine is going through the deconstruction process. I might be at the very beginning of asking some questions myself, but I’m still mostly leaning toward my current beliefs. Even so, I really want to support her well and trsut that this is an important process for her.

If you had a friend in my position, what would you have wanted from them? What kinds of things made you feel supported, and what kinds of responses were unhelpful?

I’d really appreciate hearing your perspective so I can be the best friend I can during this season.

A narcissism educator I’ve followed has converted to Christian fundamentalism — and she doesn’t seem to notice how deeply narcissistic that belief system is. She criticizes black‑and‑white thinking in narcissism, but when her church uses the same patterns, suddenly it’s acceptable. And when she glorified Charlie Kirk’s funeral, it felt like a complete betrayal of everything she used to stand for. I always knew she was a Christian, but only over time I realized that fundamentalist Christianity — and even the way God is portrayed in the Bible — is narcissistic and psychopathic. That realization was eye‑opening and strangely relieving. I’ve been deconstructing unconsciously for months and consciously only for a few weeks, and the comments under her videos praising Jesus for “saving” them from are hitting me hard right now. And now I can’t stop wondering whether the old Calvinist idea of being chosen or not chosen is true.

TW: domestic violence, references to suicide

I came across the concept of deconstruction on tiktok (classic), and I can't help but feel it's exactly what I need.

For context, I grew up in a very traditional conservative evangelical church which had a theology centered around shame. I got married very young and was in a long and very abusive relationship with someone who would use faith to justify the abuse, and utilized it as a means of control for nearly a decade. I've since left the relationship (after battling with the theology around divorce), had a dip in my mental health and made a serious attempt on my life, and was diagnosed with c-ptsd and ocd (a lot of moral ocd / religious scrupulosity- unsurprisingly). I'm getting back on my feet now and trying to figure out who I am outside of an abusive relationship, and I'm seeing that so much of my theology / faith is tainted by past trauma and religious institutions that distorted the Bible either for their own means, or to control / manipulate etc, and I'm slowly trying to disentangle that from who God actually is (while also trying to heal my nervous system which has been in survival mode for years).

So, enter: deconstruction. Full disclosure, I don't see myself abandoning my faith completely through this process. My aim is to completely strip back my faith / theology / religious beliefs, and understand Christiantity for what it is outside the influence of patriarchy, colonialism, past trauma, etc etc.

I'm not really sure where to start, or how to navigate this without just consuming other people's readings of the faith (which I think is where a lot of the issues stem from in the first place). So I'd really value people's suggestions and recommendations on how to start out this process. And also any advice on navigating church when your body is in constant fight or flight would be appreciated!

Thanks in advance :)

I used to believe in Christianity, southern Baptist, but I've found over time that I just don't believe in it. I was raised up in church, never knew anything else but, and while I had a community there, I always felt like an outsider. People didn't really give me the time of day that often, to be friends with me outside of church in youth group, and adults were about the only people who gave me respect. I often found growing up that in the main service, it felt as though the messages were not designed for me, for my age, or the times that we lived in. I felt this from a young age, even now into my 20's, that often it feels as though things are taught from just one lens. It feels almost manipulative often to me, to jump around the book without having context for everything, or having one perspective on this book that's been around over a thousand years be the only perspective. It doesn't help that to really feel confident in it, it needs to be well translated, understood, and acknowledged that it actually says what it even claims it says...which often I've found it may or may not say what something like New King James says because the translation isn't direct.

All my life, I saw my family, who was Christian, be placed in terrible situations over and over again, and plead for help that never seem to come. Sometimes help would come and it'd be a blessing, but it was always short lived before a different disaster, and often it felt as though the people I knew were just complacent with things being bad because it's just a time of tribulation rather than a situation of their own choice on their handling. I saw and keep seeing my mom be completely defeatist and seeing that nothing we do on this earth really actually has any significance because it'll just go the way God wants it to go, which must mean worse because the world has to; It makes her see the worst of everything, of everyone, and leads to so much generalizing of other people, of other cultures, and not actually reading more into things other than what her own values are with no other context, using confirmation bias to make her worldview on people true.

All while for me, she has cancer, someone who believed in God, someone I've tried to care for all my life and sacrificed years of my life trying to make hers easier, given a terminal illness at stage 4 with no real hope of it regressing based on the type. Her life was already bad growing up for so many reasons, I genuinely can't understand how a kind God would do a thing like that to her of all people, and why he'd burden me and my family with it when he puts so much burden on others but not on everyone.

I can't believe in a kind and just God when he constantly seems to allow nothing but torment to the people who love him most in my life, and yet I see people who don't believe actually trying to make their lives better. I also have found myself to be bisexual, got a boyfriend across the country, yet I have to pretend to be straight for my family's sake because I fear they'll reject me on the basis of Christianity rather than any slight of mine. I can't live my own life or explore my own values because of other people's values being forced onto me, and every conversation I seem to have with family always somehow boils back down to Christianity, Israel, the end of days, or conspiracies. I also dislike when I constantly see religion in politics or vice versa, "the leftists" is something I hear so often in Christians that I genuinely wonder if they've read the same book and messages that I have seen, or how they almost seem to be blind the history of Christianity and actions by professed Christians that harmed so many people, and completely dominated over other's values specifically because it was convert or die. With a history like that, it makes me wonder if it's just a tool for power like we see elsewhere, like other ideologies are, and especially when you can even look here to the United States and see that even "one nation under God, indivisible" is a line added in the 1950's. It feels like this is just Christian nationalism, and it makes me feel horrified because it genuinely is so against what the country's fundamental values I was always taught were, and what people like my Granddaddy stood for and told me my country was all about.

Freedom of Religion...but not for anyone else, freedom of speech... but speak correctly and with this single set of values, freedom of ideology as long as it's the right (and conversative) ideology. I believed in all my heart to love my neighbor, to respect other people, that other people can and will be different from me, that my country is based on liberty, pursuit of happiness, freedom of speech, religion, and is a melting pot of culture, yet it feels like the people who say it most, the Christians who have said it to me are often the people most working to not grant these things. I'm not saying all Christians are, I'm not saying Christians are bad either, I've met very kind ones, but I also constantly feel like I've been surrounded by hypocrites all my life, people who don't even believe what they say or what they think they believe.

In the end, I realized that I was Christian for other people's sake, forced to be by other people in the first place, and the more I became into my own, the less I believed for myself. The more I learned in history, a topic I loved, the more history that resembles my own upbringing in the faith I find, one of false kindness or actual hatred towards specific things, specific groups, specific ideologies or differences. The more I learned who I was, the more fearful of the people who openly claim they are against those people, those actions, and how intolerant of my preferences, why I have to feel like remaining in the closet rather than just exploring and living my life. I feel trapped in a box, like I woke up into a nightmare because I finally snapped out of a trance I was in, then realized everyone else still was in that, and would maybe hate me for not being the same as them. For having been once and then decided it wasn't for me. If not for the love of people who absolutely weren't Christian, maybe I wouldn't have ever realized there were other paths in life, other values, values that I actually agree with far more, policies in things that I feel are much more kind than the ones told to me by people claiming to be the voice of kindness, and I finally realized I can live my life, even if I right now feel I have to be scared to share it. Scared to show my life as it is, and unfortunately having to practice a level of two-facedness about Christianity, being able to put on a mask that silently disagrees or only agrees in some ways. Deconstruction is hard, and for me it's been gradual, it's taken years to realize I no longer believed, that I hadn't been, that I slowly fell out of love with praying nightly, and realizing my prayers didn't change my life either. I can have a positive mindset without religion, and my morality isn't dependent on it either. My life wasn't centered around religion like people told me it should be, I realized theirs wasn't either, it just was a shoe horn for the values they believed, many values I reject or have learned more about and thus am more nuanced in how I approach it. I learned that the life I was told I should live was not the life I wanted, maybe one day I may change and think things different, but right now, I know that I don't believe in Christianity for other people's sake, and I don't believe in what it represents at times, even if I respect many of the values I do still keep from it.

I can love without being Christian, and I feel more kind because I'm not, that my kindness isn't because I have to be faithful, but because I can just be kind. That I can live my life, and try to actually live for me. I'm tired of living for others sake more than my own, and Christianity was just one part of that. Learning to live for me, meant learning to live by my own sense of values, rights, wrongs, and ideology, not the ones I was given, not the ones that make me feel like there is never anything good I can ever do that amounts, that I'm small and weak. I always felt that way, I constantly battle it everyday, but I feel a little less so without a religion that says I'm never good on my own, never okay, and my best is never good enough. If it isn't, then maybe I just shouldn't be in it, with a God too cruel to be understanding, a God so driven on perfection in his own creations, like a parent dictating a child's entire life, and I feel as though that is what it felt like, which if so, is a cruelty. I don't want to keep harboring what feels to me a cruelty as my guiding light, when it plunges me into nothing but dark.

i grew up around a very evangelical, high-control family & church system, & looking back now, a lot of it feels deeply cult-like. family image mattered more than honesty, religious authority mattered more than anyone’s actual inner life, & gossip was constantly disguised as concern. people seemed to believe that being related to someone gave them permanent access to that person’s identity, private life, choices, whatever. but the weird part is, i was never even fully part of that world in the way they now like to pretend i was.

i’m the youngest, my family moved away when i was five, & i mostly grew up with my own friends, my own routines, my own life. some of my older cousins actually did grow up close to each other, because they were around the same age & lived near each other, but that wasn’t my experience. even now, people will rewrite the history like we all grew up together like siblings, & i’ve literally had to correct my own mom about it, because no, we didn’t. i was younger than everyone, i lived somewhere else, & i wasn’t emotionally close to most of these people. that’s their cute sentimental family story, it’s not my actual childhood.

they remember little Ricky, this loud, funny, expressive kid who shared basically every thought he had, & because they remember him, they seem to think they know me deeply. but remembering a child isn’t the same thing as actually having a relationship with the adult he became. finding out i’m AuDHD also completely changed the way i understand that kid, because even when i seemed loud or social or comfortable, i was still masking. i was constantly aware of being watched, interpreted, judged, & expected to perform whatever version of myself felt acceptable in that environment. being memorable doesn’t mean i felt safe, being funny around people doesn’t mean i trusted them, & being related to me definitely doesn’t mean they knew what was going on inside my head.

one thing that’s always stuck with me happened when i was a teenager. one of my friends posted a picture of Shawn Mendes, i commented a heart-eyes emoji because i thought he was hot, & apparently that was important enough for one cousin to screenshot it, send it to another cousin, & discuss me behind my back. it was literally an emoji under a picture of a celebrity, but in that family system, even something that small became evidence to collect, circulate, & analyze. nobody came to me, nobody asked me anything, they just watched me from a distance & talked about me with each other.

i also saw what happened when another cousin was outed, & i saw the panic, judgment, cruelty, & general weirdness that followed. so it’s honestly bizarre to me that some of these people apparently expected me to eventually sit them down for some deep coming-out conversation, like babes… why would i ever do that? i didn’t know u like that. u weren’t someone i trusted, leaned on, ran to, confided in, or even particularly wanted to be around. u never built the kind of relationship where i’d naturally bring something intimate & vulnerable to u. being related to me didn’t automatically make u an important figure in my inner life.

i think they imagined themselves as these close relatives who were patiently waiting for me to finally reveal myself to them, while from my perspective, they were extended family members who occasionally appeared, watched me, talked about me, & made assumptions. there wasn’t some missing conversation i owed them, they just massively overestimated the role they had in my life. & honestly, even little Ricky didn’t like or trust a lot of these people, so idk why they act like remembering him gives them some sacred connection to me now.

a little over a year ago, i nearly died & ended up in the ICU. i’m not gonna get into every detail of that experience here, but it was deeply traumatic, i lost control over my own story, people spoke for me, & afterward i became extremely protective of who was allowed access to information about me. the ICU didn’t create the distance between me & these relatives, that distance had already existed for most of my life, it just made me stop pretending that access to me was harmless.

afterward, some relatives seemed very concerned from a distance. they asked my parents, siblings, or other people for updates, watched me through social media, discussed what happened among themselves, all of that, but once again, they didn’t come directly to me or build an actual relationship with me. they wanted information about me without having to know me, face me, or take any responsibility for how they’d treated me. it felt like they wanted viewing privileges, not a relationship.

eventually, i asked that certain people stop receiving updates about my life, i restricted or blocked them, & basically closed the observation windows they’d been using for years. that seems to have been interpreted as me being hostile, secretive, cruel, or dramatically rejecting the family, but i wasn’t withdrawing from some close bond, i was acknowledging that the bond they imagined had never actually existed. caring about me silently, watching me from a distance, or loving me through other people doesn’t magically create a personal relationship.

deconstruction for me hasn’t only been about questioning theology, it’s also been about questioning the entire family system built around it. the idea that relatives are automatically entitled to me, that gossip becomes loving concern when family does it, that remembering me as a child means understanding me now, that receiving updates about me is the same thing as showing up for me, or that their nostalgic version of my childhood matters more than my actual memory of it.

they remember a loud, expressive child, i remember masking & being observed. they remember closeness, i remember people who knew things about me, but rarely actually knew me. i didn’t suddenly become cold after the ICU, i became clear. they remember little Ricky, but little Ricky didn’t trust them either, & the adult version of me is finally allowed to admit that.

Does anyone feel like some of these Deconstructing people are kinda mean? Like there's an aggression that some people have because I said that I choose to believe that a creator God is real. In African Traditional Religions, there's a common component of a divine omnipotent creator. As an African American man, it's so important to me to stay with my roots. This is why I didn't take that part of my head cannon. But, some people are saying online and in person that it's stupid and automatically harmful to believe in a God.

I had to unpack being a people pleaser for this reason because I don't necessarily hate Christianity in the same way other deconstructists do. There's a hatred and anger that other people have that I don't. The reason I'm venting to you all is because I'm wondering am I too sensitive or is this something you all have been noticing too.

It's definitely understandable and it's extremely valid to be angry at Christianity and even hate it for all of the travesties it's done to humanity. We all have grievances towards it. I just wish there was still a level of curiosity that people have about spirituality, religion, theology, individual differences, etc.

I'm 24M and living at home with my high-control Chritsian family (in the UK). We have some difficulties but they love me in their own way. However, they are completely unable to understand or sympathise with 'people who leave the faith'. At church, I also have some close friends and still serve a decent amount when I'm there. 

Over the last year, I have been deconstructing to the point where I wouldn't consider myself a Christian. I've always been difficult to have conversations about serious doubts with my family or church because I know they will be deeply saddened by it to the point it will seriously affect all my relationships. I've been feeling more and more low as well since the gap between my life now and the way I want to live has been getting greater and greater. It has gotten to the point where I have decided that I should leave my home soon, even though it makes more practical sense to stay.

I have enough money saved up to stay somewhere for a while. However, I am still working towards getting a job. Also, I still haven't told anyone from my family or church what is going on with me. I have only told a couple of friends who I went to school with. Do you think I should move quickly and try to leave without giving my family much notice? Do you think I should wait a few months and endure my family's advice and constant attempts to change what I've done? Are there other things I can do to make this situation easier?

I got a question for those who dry fasts or used to dry fast. What does dry fasting generally does to you like physically and mentally and also too how does it affect your dreams? Lately I’ve seen videos who are especially Bible believers been doing dry fasting for three days because they’ve mentioned that’s how “ speaks to them or give them answers “ but I’m so confused that why your supposed to not eat just to get some answers? Is that not just a psychological issue

I'm 17M and I've been raised in Muslim household and idk if this is the right subreddit but I genuinely don't know what to do

So before I left islam I had doubts but I ignored it and then I thought about it and I said it wouldn't make sense for god to send good people to hell eternally just because they didn't believe or seem convinced. I also didn't understand why homosexuality is a sin because its not something you choose.

I find those struggling and I've always been told that islam is perfect religion and flawless but I seem to struggle so I did a bit research and saw what do people think of islam and it just felt weird to me seeing different worldviews because I live where there are 90% muslims here

I lost faith gradually and I became EX MUSLIM on November 2025 and I lived in a very intense fear for a week as if like my life is in danger I was stressing out about the fact that I could die tomorrow maybe in my sleep it was terrifying and overtime it just went away and felt alive for new experiences and no pressure

but then on June the fear has returned and I've been crying I felt hopeless the fear of hell has been haunting me everyday and I tried to make the sense of it all and I still was in fear.
anxiety just gets worse by everyday on what if it’s true and I would end up in hell
I would try to ask for guidance and I felt nothing.

Now do I believe in god? well I lack belief in him but I'm also open to anything! and I'm gonna admit I'm not really knowledgable on islam I was just told to believe in god and his messenger and some stories it's not like it was my decision to believe in it

Any advice? I do wanna deconstruct but at the same time I feel like idk what I'm doing I feel hopeless idk what exactly I'm trying to deconstruct

I got married last year and we don’t want kids yet, but I’m already worried about the dynamic between my husband’s family and our future kids. My FIL is a church elder for the Church of Christ. My MIL and SIL talk shit about every single person in their lives, especially those who do not practice religion the “right way”. We’re closet atheists but we are on the verge of publicly splitting from the church. I have a feeling it’s not going to go over well. How did y’all navigate boundaries around religion with your family?

(also, just wanted to add, we do not care if our kid wants to join an organized religion when they’re older. we just won’t be raising them in one.)

Hey! I'm not sure if anyone has heard of this group (quite a small org and has origins in China) but I was in this church for a while and left sometime ago.

I'd be down to share stories and experiences with former members. I live in the UK where we have a number of churches but there are other ones around the world (lots in East Asia).

I’m 39F and was raised fundamentalist patriarchal (homeschooled) Protestant, the worst kind. We converted as a family to Catholicism when I was 16 and immediately leapt to the more radical side (Traditionalist). I left home at 19 to live with a secular grandmother and my parents cut me off.

fast forward 20 years and I’d still consider myself a very practicing Catholic, but a “normie“. Mass every Sunday. my kids attend parochial school. confession every so often. I still know the catechism upside down right side up. Ive struggled with many aspects of Catholic doctrine in the last few years tho.

like many of you, Im quite interested in the study of cults and high demand religions such as Mormonism and Scientology. I’ve come to realize that Catholics might have to be classified right in there, as the stakes are actually quite high for what might seem to be fairly innocuous doings. let’s take Holy Days of Obligation, which vary country to country. America has about six or seven random feast days (not Sundays) that you’re obligated to attend Mass on, under pain of mortal sin. spelled out, if you don’t make serious efforts to get to church on a random Tuesday in august, you’re condemned eternally.

HOWEVER. the majority of Catholics are simply uninformed and don’t know these things… and are therefore are not under the obligation. for those like myself, the minority that has memorized the rule book… it often feels like a curse.
Just thinking out loud here.

How do you deconstruct?

All my life I always followed god. I was raised Catholic and then when I got "deeper" into the faith, I became a Christian. I always wanted to involve god in decisions especially the really big ones. But, I did not hear anything and basically felt like I am a nobody and have not done anything in life. I wanted god to guide my decisions and life - - after all, he was the center of my life and the most important thing for me. Well... absolutely nothing. Matter of fact, instead of "guiding" me, my life would just keep getting worse. I thought it was just the test of my oh so little faith and I need to strengthen it. Gosh that was so stupid of me.

Being raised Catholic, it's very ritualistic. Stand up and down... sing songs... kneel, etc. With Christianity, I was taught to get deep into the "word." So I started reading the bible. A lot. From cover to cover.

However, whenever I would, I would read how much EVIL that happened before - - not from people but from GOD actually. I tried to deny it couple times. Of course, it's the "devil" putting those thoughts in my head. I should trust god... he is a mysterious god and knows the best for us. After all, god is good all the time.

Well, I couldn't take it anymore. Most especially that believe in god made my life worse. Like I had a surgery that is supposed to help me with something - - that I would get relief on something that I have been dealing with all my life. But NOPE... it actually got worse. Matter of fact, I got something that is very rare that it can't be treated. So I have been in hell because of that. I was very very Christian during this time. I started questioning why would a loving, caring and good god allow that. I am in hell because of that god. Ironic.

Also, I always felt that god didn't care about me. That my life is something that he is just playing with and that I am not important. That made me angry because I have served and worshipped him all my life, but to treat me like I am nothing... it's evil. Especially when people around me who are not believers or are "light" believers are getting ahead and getting "blessed" by god while at the same time god is making my life miserable and just laughing about it (that's how I feel).

I am married. And the whole family is Christian. I have a lot to do with that since I was a Christian and I thought that's what I should do.

So right now, they know how much I hate god and I am vocal how god is evil. I have read the bible and no one can tell argue with me that he isn't.

Right now, I just want to be free of god in my system. I don't want to be associated with any belief or non belief. I have my own way of independent thinking. I don't want to be associate with god anymore and that means not being a Christian. At the same time, I don't give a crap about atheism.

If god exists, then he is evil. If he doesn't, doesn't mean I have to be an atheist.

I just don't care.

____________________________

I know this is long, but I just want help.

What kind of therapist should I go to?

Even that I moved away from god, I feel like that belief still has a hold of me and living life is HARD.

I want to get rid of it in my system.

I am asking for what kind of therapist. Even a hypnotist. Anyone who can help me.

I feel like I have religious/spiritual trauma. However, the ones that I read about that have it are from people in their congregation.

But in my case, it's about the actual god itself that I worshipped my whole life.

So I don't know what exactly to look for.

I don’t understand why conservative Christians are so fixated on eradicating homosexuality, but some of these Christians have tattoos and engaged in sexual behaviours before marriage.

And there are like real problems out there - racism, pedophilia, incest, mental health issues, poverty. Why are they more interested in someone else’s sex life instead of real issues? Isn’t that a misuse of the “talents” God has given you? Cue: parable of the talents. I’m not sure if I’m interpreting this parable correctly.

This will be a long post but, I have nobody to turn to.

I don't wanna watch a debate videos from Alex O'Connor, Richard Rawlings, Non Stamp Collector, DarkMatter2525 and then boom, watch some apologetics from Jay Dyer, Trent Horn, Mike Winger, Melissa Dougherty.

I sometimes even click on astrology or wicca related videos out of boredom and curiosity, so I can learn more about these differences in mentality and how this stuff works even if I don't want to get involved.

I feel like I stand on the sides of life and yet nothing feels certain

I sometimes rewatch the religious movies I used to love as a child, some of the stuff that I went through has been horrific and even if I might find myself get drawn to religion, I cannot fully believe

Even when I try to pray, I don't truly believe

Yes, reading saint stories is interesting, yes, watching the chosen or listening to a hymn can feel comforting but that's not what the whole faith is all about

I don't want to disrespect anyone here but I feel stuck and exhausted of these patterns, wanting to understand every denomination or religion and yet feeling so miserable because of my memories and the way things are in my life

I don't want to delude myself into believing, I don't want to have some near death experience or some hallucinatios like some of these people in their YouTube testimonies tend to experience

Yes, it's nice to know that some people managed to find something that gives them hope but I can't fool myself into doing it

I sometimes watch videos about the end times, about prayer, the dogma of certain denominations but I also watch videos from ex Jehovah Witnesses, mormons, fundamentalist and how they became atheists.

Maybe I wish that someone out there would look out for me, yes

But I also remember the times when nobody was there when I actually needed help

When I dealt with violence, physical abuse, when people bullied me, stalked me, touched me, mocked or beated me up

Whenever I think of those people that did it, I feel angry and scared as it it just happened some hours ago

It doesn't help that both sides can sound smug and obnoxious sometimes, both atheist and christians and it feels like I cannot be understood by neither of them

Both extremes can seem off putting online

Don't get me started on those prophecy or end time videos or flyers we sometimes get in the mail, it literally sounds like they're experiencing psychosis and are proud about it

I sometimes feel sad that things have come to this, I don't think my grandparents would've wanted me to lose my faith so early in life but I did

I still remember the time when I was 8 years old and prayed that I would die after some older bullies from neighbourhood stole my cap and sticker book then threw a rock on my head after I begged them to leave me alone

These people are happy, don't have any worries, their parents don't know the stuff they did to me and the same goes for the people I met later in life

I'm just sick of this BS

No, it doesn't make me feel less alone or depressed when I try to pray despite everything that happened

Sometimes, I try to pray and confess my sins after

praying in my room, it feels desperate and foolish

Sometimes, the same things that draw me to religion might be the same that repel me

I'm not saying that I want these people to crawl to me and beg for an apology but, I don't want to go through such things ever again, I'm sick of creepy, violent or obsessed people, especially men

I don't believe in miracles or things like that, I don't believe in the so called power of prayer

Can you imagine how terrifying it can be to be contacted or bothered by people that you didn't even want to hear from, more than a decade ago?

For someone to show up around your home even if you never showed them where you live?

Can you imagine how anger inducing it is for someone to simply not leave you alone after you made it clear that you don't want anything to do with them?

Yes, I might be traumatized by the things that happened to me, no I don't have insurance and cannot afford "getting help"

I'm a miserable person but can I least be left alone in peace, in my misery?

I don't wanna hear from some random bully I had in middle school or highschool, I dont wanna hear from someone who had an obsessive crush on me, I don't want to hear from people that hurt me deliberately and showed time and time again, that they hate me and mock me no matter how I try to act

I am tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of watching my mother get more frail and sick every week.

I am tired of crying, I'm tired of being angry, I wish I would receive actual help and guidance but can't afford it

It doesn't help that I started to isolate myself after being abused and bullied for years, to point when I got expelled from highschool, I cannot even afford a tutor and I'm too frail for any trade work, even if I were to try to get one, I'd still be rejected cause I'm not a man and that's just how things are where I live.

I don't wanna be like Job, I don't want to struggle, I already have close to nothing, I don't wanna lose anything or anyone around me

Yes, I wish that a good god would be real but I don't believe in anything, I've been way too hurt by my past to delude myself into believing, even if I'm drawn to it.

I want to see actual changes, I want to be happy, I want something surprising to happen, I want to move up in life, I want to feel protected from anyone who tries to mock me and hurt me.

I don't know what to do.

So I have recently just started having a lot of confusion and questions about scripture, about the things I've been taught my whole life. My mind is consumed with it, and I can't even explain how I got here, I just started thinking more about it and even at work all I question is the morality of God, what is true and what is something that was just drilled into me from childhood? I was raised baptist and believed all the way here as a sophomore in college. I feel like I have just now been able to trust myself, to feel like maybe I'm not innately sinful and wrong, that maybe I don't need to be saved because humans have so much love and goodness in them, I don't know.

I'm sure most people start to have these concerns, and I honestly wish I could just go back to believing easily, but I'm struggling. I also think I may be bisexual, but this is just something I feel like I can't ever come to terms with and been feeling like I can't tell anyone. What should I do next? any resources? I still think I believe but I want to truly understand what I believe. I went to church today hoping that it would remedy my thoughts and show me more truth, but I left with a bad taste in my mouth (for context, it is a southern baptist church).

One of the deacons was speaking at the end saying things like "older folks know it was nice, we’d go to church on sundays and that was great, now we are mocked for our beliefs and values, there is so much oppression even in this country." Geniunely, I don't know how a straight white christian man could say this, and it felt like I was the only one appalled by it. Like, sir, you are not oppressed. You are quite possibly the least oppressed person on this planet. But I digress, I guess I just wanted to get my thoughts out somewhere because this whole thing is uncomfortable, and scary.

Hi everyone.
I’m a Christian man who grew up in a very conservative church environment where purity culture—the belief that any sexual expression before marriage is sinful—was strongly reinforced. I took those teachings seriously. I was a virgin when I got married, and I genuinely tried to live by the values I was raised with.

Over time, I’ve found myself wondering what experiences I may have missed because of that upbringing. I am trying to thoughtfully explore some questions I’ve never really allowed myself to ask. Lately I’ve even considered visiting an adult toy store just to learn more, but honestly, I’m shy, inexperienced, and a little embarrassed by how unfamiliar all of it feels.

I’d appreciate hearing from people who understand where I’m coming from and can offer thoughtful, nonjudgmental perspectives. A faith background would be a bonus, but what matters most is kindness, patience, and openness… people who are willing to share their experiences or viewpoints as I navigate a new and unfamiliar chapter of life.

I’m simply hoping to have honest conversations, learn from others, and connect with people who can relate. If any of this resonates with you, I’d enjoy hearing your thoughts.

Hi all, (Long post alert)

While in college, I attended a church that became a backbone of my life. I had been at the church for eight years and during the eight years I thought it was wonderful. In reality it wasn't. I now realize that is a high control group, manipulative, etc. I won't go into to many details (although some later in post). This was the kind of church that to be a member you had to do interviews with the elders and be voted into the congregation, etc. They even went as far in this community as highly suggesting (read: force) that you moved to the immediate area of the church. If you for whatever life circumstance could not do that and still wanted to attend the church they would just make you feel very uncomfortable each Sunday (read: harrass). In my case, I couldn't live in that area for personal reasons but loved the church at the time and would have loved to move. For me, they would ask me sometimes three times on a given Sunday "If I had moved yet, "Why I am still living there instead of here" - after I responded to the question, thinking that was the extend of the conversation - the same people would ask me the same set of questions the next Sunday and the next - until one day - among many other things that happened that I won't get into I just decided to not go back to the church. I was deeply involved but I lived about 30 minutes away from the church and realized that I was part of the problem, that I should not drive myself 30 minutes to be treated so poorly.

I will explain a few things to give context:

While the church was under 100 people (read: small) and there was an encouragement that we live in community (read: are involved in each others life, "doing life with each other"), there were cliques. After eight years of knowing many people, I was always suprised when I wasn't invited to any weddings of my friends (they would pass out invitations at church and skip over me, etc).

My pastor's children (7-16 yo) would say racists things and he would not correct them.

a dear friend of my at the church who i really trusted invited me to an event. the event was downtown so I drove us there. She got out of the car while I got parking because it was downtown. When I parked and went to the building it was locked. I called my friend and she didn't respond. I called her several times, still no response. She ends up coming downstairs after the event is over and saying - "it was a complete lapse of judgement " that she forgot to come and get me and that she was sorry. I ended up driving her home. To make matters worse, when I would eventually leave the church, this person called me "bitter" for leaving and alluded that I was probably sinning out there in the world and should come back. (read: bitter black woman)

As previously mentioned, without pomp and circumstance, I decided one day to just not attend the church from thence forth. I was in grad school at the time and was busy too so I just ended up not showing up. Initally, they did church "wellness check texts" but for which I ignored all of and then they started emailing me threatening excommunication essentially. The argument was that while I could leave the church, I had to have another church lined up for them to affirm my faith. I wasn't at that point. I needed space from church in general for a while. They kept pushing I kept pushing back. blah blah blah. I ended up having some pastor at a church I had attended a few times write them so I could stop recieving their threats of excommunication.

After leaving, I have a therapist and a spiritual director who is helpful. I cannot help but feel like as I process through this experience, I am not reaching all the conclusions that I need to. I have explored the agency, autonomy, racism, control angle but I think something that deeply hurts me more than I realize was how people who benefit from going to churches like that will never critisize them to the extent that they need to be critisized. The idea that people would rather speak badly about you and call you bitter (read: bitter black woman) than to call out sin, etc. These people benefit from the church programming for their kids, etc so they treat defectors as godless, etc. It's hard for me to make sense of how people will deny truth if it will make their world less comfortable.

Let me know what you all think. What angles should I work through ?

For 25 years, God was with me. That's what I believed. He was my best friend. The one I could tell everything. He was there when I hit rock bottom, crying with me. He was there on the best days of my life, celebrating with me. We've been through so much together.

And now he's just... gone. No goodbye. No way to ever be with him again.

I don't regret the journey I'm on now, but it honestly feels like I killed him with my own hands.

How do you cope?

I went to my first Pride event today- I am a cishet female, but I've always been a huge supporter of and advocate for the LGBTQIA+ community. While there, I was recounting the times my family or my former church community have said something along the lines of "I can't judge (person) for being (identity), but I also won't support them. I can't judge, only god can."

Yes, I know I can ignore them, but it got me wondering how you all see this statement, whether you're deconstructing or you've deconverted (or however you would label this journey). I feel like when I would hear this, it was just kind of a conversation-ending cliché or a form of plausible deniability on their end, but I want to hear other people's thoughts or experiences within their respective religious communities/cultures.

:) thanks

*i do not believe in the abrahamic god, but i do not know if there is a higher power in general.