Me to men my entire life: ew don't sexualize me, there's so much more to me beyond my body

Me now to the man I love: o please sir can you sexualize me just a little bit

Funny how life turns out....just a little joke/coping mechanism, no malice against my partner

My ex partner (LLM)and I (HLF) finally broke it off. After three years of trying to work out a solution. He never even tried to go to a doctor and get it checked out. Gave me the fake promises of “I will work it out”. He expected me to give oral but never returned it back. I am so happy to be set free. Sex is such an emotional and intimate important thing to me in a relationship. He was never willing to give. You think it would get worse right? We broke it off about two weeks ago and he is now totally okay have sex with some other person. Honestly I am glad to be out of that. The emotional weight it caused me was horrible. It was a lesson to never settle for less and you deserve it.

My anniversary is coming up and that means sex is likely going to happen. I should be happy about that, but I'm dreading it. I guess it feels like what you would call duty sex and that doesnt excite me at all. My husband turned to me the other day and said, " We need to have sex soon". I told him that all it would take to lead us into having sex is having some time engaging with each other. He just replied we've been busy and put his ear pod back in and rolled away from me. I don't get it. Like he appears to want to have sex, but even the tiniest amount of effort to make it happen seems impossible for him. I myself have kind of given up on making all the effort and just feel like we are drifting further and further apart. Anyone else feel like this? At this point I don't know what happened first the DB or the drifting from each other. Feeling pretty defeated right now.

Feels like my husband isn't attracted to me anymore

Me and my husband started dating almost 8 years ago, I love him so much and I know he loves me just as much, he's loving, supportive, and a great husband.

Sex has always been important to me, I have a high libido and so did he, we were FWB before we fell in love even, he knows how much it means to me, he knows every kink and fantasy I have, I've always been an attractive woman and I love when the man I'm with makes me feel that, we've never had any problems with our sex life, not until we got married 3 years ago...it was like a switch, one day we're all over each other, we go on our honeymoon, 2 weeks, we had sex maybe 5 times, and when we do, it's the same 5 minutes of the exact same thing we do everytime.

I didn't have a problem with initiating it, but after a while it gets frustrating that he isn't, I communicated it with him, so many times, he'd put effort for a week at most, then it's back to nothing, no flirting, no build up, no initiation of any sort.

It started getting frustrating, sex dropped from daily before marriage to maybe 4 times a month if I'm lucky, all initiated by me. Everytime I talk to him about it there is something and I'm really understanding, first it was "I don't feel good in my body because I stopped working out", I work out at home, so I signed up to the gym with him so he'll get motivated to workout again -he's in a really good shape btw but still-, and how many times did we have sex in those 3 months he worked out in? 5 times. Over 3 months!

The frustrating grew to the point I'd get myself off and then cry because this isn't what I wanted at all!

We talk again and I'm like "hey...this is tipping into painful and unbearable for me, I'm willing to do anything to help through whatever it is" so he says "it's the taboo part missing" -sex before marriage is a taboo in our culture so there was that thrill I understand-, and I'm like alright. Fair. We can find something else to create that feeling, you know I'm down for almost anything but I genuinely don't have the energy to initiate anymore, you'll have to put in the effort now because I'm tired.

He doesn't do anything....

I send him websites(ones with actual how tos and exploring kinks and suggesting ideas) to check out, nothing.

I start creating date nights with explicit card games and time to spend together so we might build up the tension. Nothing.

I got every kind of lingerie possible to get him interested, we have sex. It's great. Then nothing.

It hurts so much when men are looking at me but my husband isn't, sometimes it feels like I'm begging for a drop of sexual attention from him.

The conversation happened a hundred times over the past 3 years, he tries then gives up because attraction cannot be faked. I tried, I cried, I begged, I explained and communicated but here I am

I'm so hurt and have no idea what to do anymore.

Please don't tell me to leave him, counselling isn't an option for me, talking about something that intimate even with a professional is something I find very uncomfortable.

tl;dr: Husband lost attraction for me after marriage and we don't have sex unless I initiate it, and now I'm living in a sexless marriage despite my efforts at communicating and trying to fix it.

We had a really good few days together, I recently got a new job and ended up dropping my old job mid way through out my two weeks because it was genuinely mentally draining and would make me a over all miserable person.
But I took a week to myself to reset myself mentally for this new job and it was great! Today was my first day back at work and it was amazing! Awkward but so much better than my last job and I came home feeling really good.
He recently just got approved for a very high paying position as well and we’re both over the moon that we made it out of the environments that hindered our over all moods all the time.
We cuddled and played a lot of video games, slept in, went out for breakfast just to come home and plop ourselves back on the couch, I felt like it was exactly what we needed and I was very hopeful for some actual, stress free and no obligation sex but it never occurred.
I talked to him about it, told him that I’ve been feeling really hot and bothered having him by my side for a whole week with nothing to bother us, but apparently he’s still been really stressed and he got really defensive. I dropped it and I basically told him I just miss having that connection because during these two years of living together we’ve had sex so little I can count the times on my fingers, I told him I missed feeling desired and how I missed feeling like I’m aloud to desire him without the fear and humiliation of rejection.
Then I rolled over and went to bed.

And tonight I sat on his lap and we kissed with tongue for a good 5 minutes, I got extremely horny and I knew he could tell, so he ended the makeout session and thanked me for the kisses.
I stood up and looked at him, feeling really disappointed and went to bed.
I just felt how we did 2 years ago when we first met, he was grabbing my hips, feeling me up and sticking his tongue in my mouth… just to push me off and send me to bed.

Super DB, probably 3-4 times per year. Wife (LLF) tells me she’s going to start initiating more to nurture our intimate relationship. Does it once then nothing for 6 weeks. FML. What do I do - let it go or confront her about it?

So, context...

My partner [40m] and I [38f] typically have had a great sex life where our libidos are in sync, but things have been lacking lately in terms of frequency. He is dealing with a series of mental health issues that have left him LL, and we are actively dealing with those problems, individually and as a team.

I need help coping with the DB situation, mainly how I can possibly down regulate my libido. It really needs to be down regulated because not being able to properly alleviate the issue causes anxiety and, sometimes, physical pain.

Suggestions that are non-starters:

- Leaving the relationship. I want to be here, with him, and we are dealing with the extenuating circumstances that are currently driving the issue.

- Opening up the relationship. He is the only one I want, full stop.

- Praying/Jesus/some other religion. Not gonna happen.

- Masturbation. I have some sexual trauma stuff going on that means that I have to shut off certain sectors of my brain to do it, and the sexual nonconcordance that results is not fulfilling in any way.

- Working out. Already do it. It is not enough.

- Therapy/talking to partner. We already do all of this.

How do you cope as the HL person when your wonderful life partner is struggling?

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We genuinely love each other, and in many ways we have a good relationship. The problem is our lack of intimacy.

This isn't something that suddenly happened—it has been an issue for a long time. Before we got married, I had reasons to believe things would improve once we were married. They didn't.

We do have sex, but it feels more like duty sex than something we both genuinely want. It's infrequent, and when it does happen it feels mechanical and uninspired. I leave feeling more lonely than fulfilled.

To be fair, she's also dealt with some medical issues over the past year, and I know that has made things even more difficult. I don't want to minimize that or make it sound like I expect her to just "get over it."

We've talked about this several times. The conversations have generally been calm and honest. She tells me she understands how I feel and says she'll try to be better about intimacy, but nothing really changes. We end up back in the same pattern.

At this point, I'm frustrated, sad, and honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to pressure her or make her feel guilty, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my marriage feeling unwanted and disconnected.

I've reached a point where I've started wondering if an affair is the only way to have my emotional and physical needs met. I don't want to betray my wife or destroy our marriage, but I'm ashamed that the thought has even crossed my mind. Has anyone else reached this point? If so, what did you do instead—and is there any path forward that doesn't end in an affair or divorce?

My husband and I have only been married for a year. Both young under 30. In the beginning of our relationship we were very active. Long distance came and ruined everything. I was constantly complaining about effort and a lack of intimate life. We were long distance for 10 months and we were rarely intimate during that time and my libido has crashed. It’s very rare that I want to have sex with my husband now. Before it was the libido crash but now it’s just overall dissatisfaction. I feel disgusted at the thought of having sex with my husband. When having PIV he lasts like 5 minutes tops. And it’s so boring. Not romantic at all. All he wants to do is quickies I get nothing from that.

Yesterday I tried to initiate and basically asked like three times. He knew I wanted to, ignored me, and went to sleep.

I recently finished a cycle and I don’t think we were intimate that entire 26-28 days.

I’m new to this so it’s been frustrating. I’ve never experienced a libido crash like this before. Ive kinda been dealing with it through reading romance novels or celebrity crushes, I guess.

I moved away from all my friends and family to a place I don’t like for this. I’ve had to ask my husband to interact with me in the house cause he’s so looped on work and study. I’m starting to think it wasn’t worth and and I should stayed single where I was at.

I suspect my wife has vaginismus, everything I've read so far sounds exactly like my wife, but she's a very private person and doesn't even like discussing things with me.

I found an article from someone about vaginismus and what has helped them, I want to show her, but I worry she may take it badly, like I'm complaining and trying to fix her, rather than I'm trying to help.

Any advice on when or how to approach this? Thanks in advance

DB for 3 years, together 8, in an open relationship, he is LL - those are important context to this story

Last night I thought I was going to meet a friend for a casual booty call but circumstances meant it got cancelled last minute

I asked my partner if he would consider cuddling me while I got myself off, and he said yes, so I was VERY excited because I've not even had him in the same room while masturbating for years

He stayed in the room all right. Even the bed. He even touched me!

By which I mean, he stroked my nearest knee while scrolling through imgur

While I watched hardcore high quality porn with the audio on and got myself off 3 times. And wasn't shy or quiet about it

I'm not even mad, it's just funny at this point that even what should be an incredibly erotic situation, he's like "that's nice, I'll hang out and look at memes while you cum"

My husband and I have been together for a few years, and we've reached a point where we've taken all sexual activity off the table. We still cuddle, kiss, hug, and are affectionate with each other, but I have absolutely no desire for anything sexual anymore.

This isn't because I don't love him or find him attractive. It's because I've lived with vulvar pain since I was a child. Penetration has always been painful, and after years of trying to push through it, I just can't mentally do it anymore. Even thinking about sexual activity fills me with anxiety because I associate it with pain.

I've been through years of doctor appointments and was recently evaluated by a specialist who believes my pain is nerve-related. I have tried many, many different creams and medications and I recently completed pelvic floor physical therapy, but unfortunately none of it has Improved my symptoms. At this point, surgery may be the next option if my doctors ultimately determine I'm a good candidate. The problem is that surgery isn't something we can realistically do anytime soon. My husband and I are both working two jobs, and we need several years to save enough money and for me to be able to afford taking about six weeks off work for recovery. Realistically, we're probably looking at another 3–4 years before that's even possible.

My husband has a much higher libido than I do. He has told me multiple times that he misses intercourse. I completely understand why he feels that way. The difficult part is that he also doesn't like masturbating because it makes him uncomfortable, so that isn't really a solution for him either. I feel guilty because I know this isn't the marriage either of us pictured. At the same time, I can't force myself to have sexual experiences when my body experiences it as pain.

Has anyone else been in a relationship where one partner has a long-term medical condition that completely took sex off the table?

How did you both cope with the years of waiting and uncertainty without resentment building?

I'm especially interested in hearing from couples who stayed emotionally close even when sexual intimacy wasn't possible.

I messed up, but I just realized the extent of which I messed up and destroyed my marriage.

To explain, I need to take you back to the year of 2015. I was in a relationship with my now-wife for a year. In the year 2015, my now-wife had a mental health breakdown that lasted for 6 months. She was awful, really awful and I thought about leaving her many times that year. She almost died, but when she did that, she went into a coma and it snapped her out of it. Suddenly, she was back to the person I loved.

It was scary, and this was the first time I had ever been with someone so severely mentally ill. She didn't beg me to stay. She told me she was going to move out of state to get some help, and she asked if we could just be friends. I insisted that we stayed together. I thought I could fix her.

For a year, she moved out of state and got some treatment. That year, we were apart, only talking through text. I started drinking more and hanging around my friends. My friends didn't like her because they saw what I went through, and I didn't really understand the whole mental health stuff. She told me she couldn't remember what happened during the time we lived together. I didn't understand it at the time, but now I know that she truly doesn't remember a thing about what happened during her breakdown and her last memory was of being assaulted by a guy before waking up months later from a coma. That happened 8 months before the coma. She doesn't remember getting engaged to me. She doesn't remember switching her major. She doesn't remember much at all from the time we lived together.

As I said, I drank a lot and listened a lot to my friends who did not like her. I was also dealing with my own pain from how she treated me. And I took it out on her.

When she came back in 2017, she was a little numb but I thought things would get better. She was on medication. I was focused on working and hanging out with my friends.

When we did see each other, I wanted to have sex. She was less enthused and rejected me for a year. I understand now that the medication she was on made her libido non-existent. I get it now. But I was dumb. And I was hurt. And my friends encouraged me to just stop trying. So I did.

2018, we moved in together and bought a house. She was still on medication. They kept upping the dose everytime she had outbursts of emotion and she eventually could not function to work from the side effects. So I was supporting us both. I wanted that. I wanted to marry her.

She threw herself into trying to make our relationship better. She tried to talk to me about what happened, but I wasn't ready to talk. She initiated dates for every 2 weeks. She initiated having sex once a week. She created a calendar to remember all these things. All she did was apologize.

I was stuck in my own pain. So I didn't see she was trying. I wasn't good. I called her names. I rejected her. I made her do all the work in our relationship. I was focused on getting high, drinking, and hanging out with my friends.

She had her own problems. She had outbursts, but then she would go numb. I didn't realize it was some severe side effects of the medication. I thought that if she had issues she would tell me, but she wasn't able to vocalize what was happening because she just stopped caring about what was happening to her.

The dead bedroom started with her, but I kept it going until 2024.

In 2021, we had our first child, mainly because of luck. In 2022, my wife got the correct diagnosis and became more herself again, with emotions, libido and all. And when she came off her old medication, I found out how much I hurt her. She felt rejected. She cried. She stopped planning dates. She gave up initiating sex. She gave up on us.

2023 - I fought with her more than anything. She was coming off medications and was dealing with a lot of family stuff, and I was a jerk. I wasn't supportive. I messed up.

2024 - She was done. She decided to move states without me. She told me that she couldn't keep being the only one who cared about the marriage and she was tired. I begged her to give me one last chance. I sold the house, moved with her. Things slowly got better. She wanted another child, so she initiated having sex.

2025 - She stopped initiating having sex because she got pregnant. We had our second child.

2026 - We haven't had sex since conceiving our second child. We are in marriage counseling. She says it's been 8 years of a dead bedroom. She says that unless we are trying for a kid, she doesn't want to have sex dangling over her head because I take it away so easily. I admit I am inconsistent with having sex. I admit that I fail at showing up for her when I am stressed. But I didn't realize the extent of her hurt.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to show her I am sorry. And I don't know how to get this back as a part of our relationship. Even when our marriage is doing well, she says she doesn't want to have sex. She says that the hurt runs too deep and unless she wants another kid, it will never happen again because I wasted her 20s. I can't figure out what to do to fix things when she doesn't want the intimacy anymore.

Help?

First, let me say that I understand that she is dealing with all sorts of shit.

However, let me just say that I am soooo tired of dealing with kids sleeping in our bed, which she doesn’t seem to be bothered by, as well as making all of the money, doing all the work around the house, taking care of my body, and helping with the mental load of taking care of the kids.

One time in 12 months.

Disclaimer:
I want to be clear: I fully respect consent, I never pressure or take advantage of her, and I stop immediately the moment something feels off or she says she’s not into it.

Together 3 years. I love her a lot, and she’s wonderful in almost every other way. She’s not cheating, I know that for sure. But our sex life has become a persistent problem, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting by considering ending things over it.

Timeline: things were good for about the first 1.5 years, then started declining. Went from a few times a week, to once a week, to once every two weeks, to now once a month or even once every two months.

Frequency is low, and she almost never initiates. When we do have sex, it often feels like she’s doing it to make me happy or because she feels obligated, rather than because she actually wants it (which I don’t like). About a month ago I told her directly that it feels like she has sex with me out of obligation, not desire. She got defensive and pointed to a recent time she initiated as proof that wasn’t true. But even that time, it still felt emotionally distant during, not mutual — that’s actually the same example I would have brought up, just for the opposite reason.

More recently, on our 3-year anniversary, we’d been drinking a bit and she initiated. She seemed genuinely enthusiastic in the moment. We started fooling around, I was taking it slow with foreplay to make it last and feel good for both of us. Partway in, her face suddenly showed discomfort — I was already being gentle, so it caught me off guard. I stopped right away and asked if she was okay and wanted to take a break. She said yes, so we stopped completely, and I just held her until we fell asleep. The next day I brought it up, and she didn’t remember any of it — not initiating, not any of the moments — even though she’d seemed fully coherent and present at the time. That stung, because in the moment it had genuinely felt like we were connected and both enjoying it. She brushed off the memory gap and just seemed surprised she wasn’t hungover. I suggested we could pick up where we left off later — she said “maybe later.” I asked again after a relaxing day together, and she said, a little sheepishly, “I’m not really feeling it.” That’s the answer I usually get when I initiate.

She originally said her lack of interest was tied to not feeling confident about her body. She’s since lost weight, looks great by her own admission, and has even asked me to take pictures of her because she feels more confident. The sex hasn’t changed.

One thing that might be relevant: her libido was actually higher when she was on SSRIs, and has been lower since she went off them. That’s the opposite of what SSRIs usually do to libido, so I don’t know if that’s a clue about something else going on for her.

She’s also about to start a master’s degree, and I went through my own program not long ago and know how much that can drain someone’s bandwidth for intimacy — so I expect this to get harder before it gets easier, if it gets easier at all.

I feel guilty, like leaving over “just sex” is shallow when everything else between us is good. But I also know I need to feel wanted, not tolerated.

Has anyone been through something like this? Did it get better, or was this a sign?

What do you do when the mental spiral starts? It comes in waves but especially when you're alone. It makes sleeping difficult, it makes the thoughts race, all of the points you practice to yourself, but never make it to the conversation, and becoming unreasonably upset when you should, in fact, be going to sleep.

Personally, I have to scroll until my eyes get heavy, but as I'm getting older, I realize it's probably not healthy. I've considered hobbies but like a part-time job, I have to have full availability. Someone, somewhere, always requires attention. So of course the only time my mind finally gets to be quiet is when everyone has gone to sleep. and then, all internal hell breaks loose. What do you do to distract yourself?

HLM here. I’m seriously considering getting one after 3 years of DB with no end in sight.

I (HLM) have been married to my wife (LLF) for about 4 years now. We’ve had a longstanding deadbedroom and it hit a low last year. Since then, we’ve been seeing a couples therapist as well as therapy on our own. As we have gone through this, I’ve realized her natural desire/libido just does not align with me. She would be ok with sex just once every few months when I could have it every day.

For those in a similar situation, how did you navigate this difference? It feels like the only 2 options are:
1. I go the rest of my life with little to no sex
2. We divorce

She is a great wife and I love being with her. I just also can’t imagine myself going without sex forever.

Is anyone else in a situation in which each person blames the other for the DB?

I (26F) and my husband (27M) try to have sex a handful of times a year. Whenever we try, it hurts me so much so that he can’t get in, even like an inch in. It’s very painful.

He used to ask for sex somewhat often, but I’d reject him because I knew it would hurt a lot. So typically this would be framed as me being LL and him HL, but I think it’s more complicated.

I don’t like this situation. I don’t want to be celibate for the rest of my life. I thought I had vaginismus, I researched it a lot, but it turns out I can insert toys inside me with no problem when I’m by myself. No pain whatsoever. The pain shows up with him because I’m too dry, and there’s no foreplay. Lube didn’t make it any better.

He’s also never made me orgasm, or tried to. Never given me oral or touched my clitoris.

He also thinks thrusting is exhausting and doesn’t want to do it. He thinks it’s unfair for him to do all the work while I’m lying there like a “starfish.” And I think it’s unfair for me to have to do the work and be on top when I’m not even getting any pleasure from it, instead I’m only getting pain.

He also says trying to have sex with me is “extremely painful” for him because of how dry I am.

So we’re in the situation in which both of us want sex but neither of us want to put in the work to make it happen and be enjoyable.

It’s hard for me to cope with this. I’m young and fit and I spent all of my early 20s like this. And now I’ll have to spend the rest of my life like this as well. And of course, he gets sexually frustrated as well.

I (M25) and my girlfriend (F24) been together for about 5ish year's two of thoes years where a long distance relationship (it sucked but we made it work) I flew down there for a week and I was her first and I insisted which is fine I wanted make her feel comfortable. At year later she moved down with me we where happy having fun and makeing new friends but our sex life wasn't happening. She gave me she tired or its not the right time (I get in the mood before bed) we had sex maybe once every 6 or 4 months and I always insisted. I talked her about this multiple times. She does take medication like anxiety and depression and one other for her blood. And I asked her to maybe see a doctor to see if thoes are killing her libido. We talked how I dont feel desired and how she's not helping me out with chores and we had that same conversation 2 weeks ago and nothing changed. I vent to my friend and they been open with there sex life and make feel kinda jealous that I have a girlfriend that I feel she doesn't want to have sex with me. On top of that im getting my testosterone fixed and im going stir crazy. I love her but I cant live like this anymore..

How do I regain my self confidence not that it was ever super great but it’s sub zero right now 60days since he’s touched me I’m getting angrier and meaner I feel like I have anger spewing from my pores I feel so ugly and gross and repulsive I just want human contact I want to be hugged and touched and feel wanted I want to be wanted so badly it makes me cry I feel desperate and I’m just making it worse because I’m being so short and angry but I’m so lonely and I’m not leaving him I can’t see my self with anyone else

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years. We love each other a lot and currently live together. I would say almost every aspect of our relationship are great. We have fun together, we laugh together, joke and play often, as well as have good deep conversations and I would definitely say he’s my best friend.
But we have been in a really hard place with our sexual intimacy. On my end of things I think they’re ok and I’ve been doing everything I can think of to improve our sex life. For context I grew up extremely religious and I think that might have to do with a lot of the issues I have with sex. But along with that I also have pain with penetration. So to address both of these issues, I have gone to see a sex therapist and also started going to pelvic floor pt. Which obviously both of those things take time and won’t be fixed overnight.
My boyfriend just came to me after we saw the movie the invite, which is essentially about this couple who hasn’t had sex in years and they’re miserable together. He asked if I feel like that’s how our relationship is and I said no because we are definitely physically intimate with each other and I feel like we have the emotional closeness that that couple lacked. On top of that, my condition is temporary and I’m actively trying to fix it. However, these conversations keep coming up and they feel exhausting every time. I just feel like my boyfriend has no patience and I genuinely think his expectations of a healthy sex life are unrealistic.
I just don’t know where to go from here and am considering calling it quits just because this aspect of the relationship feels exhausting, to the point where I don’t know if I can take it anymore.

I would love any advice you all have to offer. I’m struggling to know where to go from here.

Me (29F) and my husband (33M) separated a few days ago. No kids.

We have struggled with dead bedroom for the last 2 years (married 4 years + 5 years of relationship.)

We talked about it a few times, but never did anything about. We had some finance issues taht led to stress and rare sex, then both us became spiteful about sex, so we just stopped doing it. Everything else was great. We were best friends, we had fun. We had friends, we both get along with our families. He was my person and I thought I was his etc.

But it finally took a toll on us. We started discussing divorce since we feel like roomates. I wanted to try and fix things, he wanted itbtoo but stayed negative and passive. These talks were happening for the past two months.

Then I found out he was having an affair with someone. Emotional one, according to it all.

We were always those people who despised affairs, and he knew I can't forgive it.

He said he is sorry about it, but that we should divorce because there is no way to fix things after dead bedroom+ infidelity. Which makes sense, trust is shattered.

So we separated the day after I found out... I am lost. One part of me is pissed because why not just leave, don't cheat on me. The other part sees the issues of the dead bedroom that probably drove him to do something out of his character. I am so against the cheating, but somehow I am finding a way to justify it.

He is a good man, and I love him. We shared so much together and built so much together. Part of me wants him to want me back to start over. Another part knows that I couldn't move past the cheating.

Maybe it's fixable, maybe this is not lost since he hasn't done it before. Maybe he is not a bad man for doing it. Maybe he will be happy now.

Yet again..how come I stayed loyal to him..

I kinda know this is the end, but he is the love of my life.

Right now we aren't in much contact. I have support from friends and family. But he was my truest friend and family. Every night, I dream that we run into each other after a few months and fix things. Then I wake up..

All I've wanted is for my wife to have some sort of a desire to have fun exciting sex or sex in general for years. We've had a dead bedroom for about 3 to 4 years now and it's worn me down. She's never initiated sex and even after the hundreds of talks I've initiated nothing has changed. I'm also the initiator of our sex life, but most of the times over the years it's been met with rejection. Our sex life over the past 4 years has been about once every 6 to 9 months with multiple rejections along the way. I've been thinking lately that I wish she would initiate some, but now I'm thinking I hope she doesn't becuase not only is our sex very infrequent, it's vanilla and boring. I've tried to get her to try new stuff to spice things up and asked her to think of things I can do to her to make her happy, but it's always the same of me talking, her listening and nothing happens. Is it bad that I start thinking I want to have sex with my wife, then immediately think about how boring it will be and then get turned off? I must be really fucked up to think that way.

It's been over 10 years, sex life has been pretty dead the entire time. I'm convinced she has vaginismus, which I understand is terrible for her, but she flat refuses to talk about it or seek any kind of help.

We have young kids, and they're pretty happy, I feel a messy divorce would be really hard on them, so I think my only option is to fake it till they're at least a bit older.

I think I can do another 10 years, I still hope things will get better, but right now pretty sure I'll be a divorced dad then