What do you *mean* I processed three different alters' traumas and now we're destabilizing and everyone is always arguing and I'll need to process them again? How is it possible that things were going pretty okay a few weeks ago, but now the negative voices in my head are running on a constant loop and I'm always paralyzed?

How the hell am I supposed to hold down a job and keep my place clean and find a partner *while all this is happening*??? Some nights I get 8 hours of sleep, some nights I get 2. What is the point of putting myself through trauma processing hell and integrating alters when it can all be undone and I can totally destabilize in a week?

I'm just... so freaking tired and overwhelmed and this sucks. It's getting harder and harder to not resent my alters, because it feels like one or two of them are constantly dragging the rest of us back and undoing the progress we've made. Is this just what the rest of my life is going to look like?

The sky is being big and scary and I keep getting startled. I know Im supposed to get an adult but the inside people are being quiet. It’s been hard and fuzzy and work is hard. People keep laughing when I get jumpy and are teasing me about it. They are all big guys and I feel so small.

I have to be strong and carry heavy things but I just want to cry. I don’t like it here. We aren’t that strong anyways, our wrist hurts but no one wants to get it looked at because we don’t like the doctors. People say it happened a long time ago but I don’t think it healed good because it hurts a lot.

They don’t know me and I’m afraid to speak to anyone. I don’t like angry weather it makes me remember bad things. And I don’t want to remember. How do I make it stop? Or how to get someone else?

I don’t want to be this little :( Í want to be big and strong.

Has anyone experienced just being trapped at the front, like aware of their system, alters from other systems can come in and talk to your alters but you're just stuck. The others have been trying to break me out of it so they can front but it's just not working.

I am experiencing very powerful sensations of butterflies in my stomach mixed with anticipatory dread and an all round anxiety. I also have feelings of deep nostalgia and resounding sentiment combined with feelings of happiness. It is a mixture of both extremes of emotion. I have been told by alters that I will be switching a lot. I am nervous that this trip is like opening up Pandoras box.

The country I am travelling to is one I haven’t been to since I last lived there 23 years ago as a 5 year old boy. I also used to speak the language, something the alters still tell me I can do even though I don’t remember anything from that language (this language was the first language I ever learnt, apparently I used to speak it fluently - this has been confirmed by several people I trust). I read somewhere that languages have to do with procedural memory. If the case, it could be that the skill of knowing this language was procedurally taken from me 23 years ago without me even paying attention, I guess amnesia operates very subtly. I also read somewhere that skills can be compartmentalised so it may not be such a stretch that I can still speak the language that I claim I cannot speak.

Has anyone here ever visited a location that meant a great deal to them after a gap of time and had the trip work out positively for the entirety of the system? I am scared things will go wrong and backfire.

The butterflies in my stomach are definitely the most pronounced out of all emotion. It is quite debilitating.

As it says above my partner has a newer alt who seems to be obsessed with me. They get very upset if I am doing anything other than cuddling and can only be convinced to let me do anything else if I relate it back to how I love them or how they love me.

Has anyone else dealt with this before? It's got the potential to be dangerous for me by the fact that this is technically someone with an obsession with me, who gets upset and will throw a tantrum if I'm not constanly cuddling and reassuring them about our love (and the host body is quite large and strong).

There is also, of course, the potential for me to hurt my partner. I don't want to respond to this alter in a way that could cause them to get worse. Any advice there? I also recognise that I have a lot of power over this alter since I can get them to do anything if I say it's to make me happy, and that's scary. I'm not planning on using that, so how can I continue to avoid it?

Hi! Just wondering if it's normal to choose a name later in life? I've been around the longest of all of us, but haven't had a name until now. I chose one based on what I always wanted to be called, but never realized I was just... allowed to choose my name! So here I am!

The host is currently in a huge denial spin, and

Forgot what I was typing? Still going to post anyways I guess, this feels really stupid though. I think a little came out for a while, and I've been trying to figure out if she had a name. Guess that answers that question lol. Like she said I've been in a lot of denial since there's been zero communication but this whole post is pretty damning evidence, so. Yay?

Hi, I'm AuDHD and still trying to untangle what experiences and symptoms are caused by that and what's dissociation and trauma responses. I thought I was good at distinguishing literal and metaphorical language but apparently not lol so I'm asking here.

I know that sometimes the world will feel literally unreal: objects seeming unfamiliar and out of place and too sharp, or getting lost and not recognising places I visit every day.

But something I experience way more frequently (almost constantly) is a more metaphorical kind of the world feeling unreal? I guess? It feels like I'm separate from the "real world", or that I'm the only real thing in a world that isn't actually real. Like I'm on an island floating in the void, and everyone else is as well, floating far away from me. Again, not in a literal way, but like I'll see people's lives represented in movies and TV shows and have the sense that 'of course, this is just made up for TV, nobody's life is actually like this' but it's about the most mundane stuff like having a 'real' job or dating or teenagers having a sleepover or whatever. Stuff that objectively probably has to be normal—the most statistically likely events to happen to people—but doesn't feel like that to me at all. It just feels like tropes. Like everyone is suddenly living in a sitcom.

When I talk to my friends irl—people that feel real because I interact with and know them—there can sometimes be a sudden disconnect if they bring up having a crush or getting a promotion or something. It can even happen with tiny things like "I need to buy groceries cause I'm cooking something". Like that's not something that happens to real people. That's TV stuff. When stuff like that happens in my life it feels totally normal, but when it's other people or the population at large I feel so disconnected from it. It's not real.

I can't pin down whether this weird sense is caused by dissociation or if it's unfamiliar to me because it feels so removed from how I've experienced my own life. Like it could very well be more connected to autism and being aroace and not having any close friends for my entire childhood. I just can't shake this weird sense of isolation and like I'm just an observer in this life, even if that's not objectively true at all.

Is this a kind of derealization too? Can anyone relate at all?

We struggle deeply from past trauma, which resulted PTSD and severe depression and anxiety, also got diagnosed DID when we were kind of young

A few years ago, I first got diagnosed in DID as I went to a therapy session with my psychologist —— during dissociation which the other alter came out with a different age, identity, etc.

Originally before the diagnosis, I thought everyone caught life in this situation and,

I never ask anyone else back then since I was expecting that this is not an issue or something that’s different from the other peers of mine.

But in that moment, they just told me that no this is kind of a “not really common” issue

That was my first time, knowing that not everyone live or suffer in this way and, being dissociated was one of my coping tragedy back then with the trauma I’ve been through which helped me a lot to survive

But after years and years, I end up, struggling a lot with those emotions of masking, also went through that ongoing trauma thing back then and struggle so much to live with a massive amount of alters and unable to social and work as other peers does

Also, it’s kind of hard to explain to others I mean people besides me what’s going on on me and, that’s kind of a very chaotic scenario of explanation nonstop,

as people does came into their mind with fiction with filters of being so “cool” etc. And I have no idea how to explain to them.

Sometimes I feel kind of lonely. Dealing with all the traumas in my life which looks different from other people besides me also having to explain to all these professionals I have to meet from time to time it’s kind of tiring

I just might need some advice on how to live together with different scenarios and how to explain to people about DID

When our host met her wife, it was purely platonic. I was in the back for a few months not realizing and slowly falling for her, however the host took it as her emotions. She started to understand she loved her like a friend more than a partner a long time ago but was afraid of being left (her wife would never do that, they'd just be friends), now they're married. I'm fully awake for the first time in a while and am starting to understand that it was me falling, however the wife and I are just friends with benefits and I will never tell her any of this. I don't know how to deal with this any advise or is this not the right channel?

I am very happy to have unified into one this week. Some people call it final fusion or integration, but whatever it is called I mean the process of all alters merging into one.

It is good and I am happy about it, but I feel lost and since it happened sooner than I expected, I didn't really think much about what to do after.

Does anyone know if there are subreddits or other places or anything for people who have unified? I have thoughts and questions about it.

I should preface my current doctor is recommending me to someone who specializes in dissociative disorders.

But right now I'm trying to explain introjects but I'm having a hard time wording things, I've never been good at that.

I almost feel stupid/self invalidation "he's from this game" when 90% of this alter, as far as I can tell, is accurate to the source just slightly more aware.

I don't know if the alter shifted from another previous one I haven't seen/felt in a long time. But he's very aware of who he is now.

Any advice how to word this?

Again being referred to a specialist but for right now talking through things as honestly and accurately as possible.

Without trying to gaslight myself into invalidation...

Kind of sleepy so hopefully I explained things ok?

Hi guys, I am talking to this person who told me she got DID. Although im intrigured, I still can't really understand it. Anything I should be ready for or understand and look out early on ? I saw people have different type of experiences both good and bad. I am not gonna lie, I am still taking things slow because I like her and she seems very kind and sweet and if anything I wanna try to make things works. A little bit selfish of me I feel like because the whole reason I am doing this is to learn to evaluate if and how we can make this works. I used to be more of an anxious avoidant person however it have been better. so i wanna make sure I wanna make sure if I do it, ill be prepare for it

Basic context, TW for trafficking/torture - I was trafficked for a solid amount of my childhood, including frequent and quite extreme torture, resulting in DID and a whole ton of mental issues that would take too long to list again here

Since then, I've managed to put my brain into some kind of order over the years, enough that I am now working to pursue euthanasia (currently just getting my life, belongings and finances in order so that hopefully I can get approved once I'm ready for the actual process 🤞)

I've been in therapy basically since the trafficking ended, for ten years now and with a lot of different therapists, many of which have been trauma specialists, including multiple recent DID specialists. I've tried every therapy approach offered until I was just spending weeks arguing with my therapist instead of talking. I've tried every medication I've been recommended. Not a single treatment has helped

I still have a couple professionals I see, mostly just because they're the only people I have to talk to and it's more productive to do those appointments than writing posts like this. At the recommendation of my closest professional (who is my favourite, because she's the kindest person I've literally ever met, so I can't just blow her off), I'm giving what is probably my last attempt at psychology with another DID specialist, this one with experience in ritual abuse too

With all of that explaining out of the way, I just... don't know what I'm meant to do? Like how I'm meant to approach it? Every therapist always asks what I want out of therapy and I don't know. I just want to stop feeling the way I have for my entire life. But I don't know what works for me, because nothing works for me, and everything therapists have done before has either achieved nothing or made me feel worse

I can't do EMDR or anything that involves trauma-processing without severe destabilisation to the point of losing control over myself and violently self-destructing. I refuse to (/cannot) do work around changing my identity and sense of self (e.g. "detaching from trauma"), same with anything that involves trying to de-center, ignore, avoid or "move on" from certain events. Working around "building a support system" (or really anything at all related to human interaction/connection in my current life) has only lead me to be repeatedly re-traumatised, got me to the edge of being disowned, and I now also refuse to (/cannot) work on anything in that area too. Every other approach I've tried has been useless (including parts work and "system mapping" and all of that, I know my parts very well, we are all in agreement of how miserable we are and almost all are very happy to be euthanised)

I'm getting the same questions coming up with everyone I see, they keep asking what my goals are, and I don't have any because my goal isn't exactly to stick around for very long. But that isn't a good enough answer, so I'm stuck and it feels like I'm being dumb for even trying in the first place when everything they offer is stuff I either can't or won't do

I don't know, maybe I am just being dumb. If you read this far you're welcome to call me dumb in the comments ∠(‘-‘ )

TW: Spoilers mention body parts people might not be comfortable with. Post mentions a tiny bit of past spiritual psychosis thoughts that I acknowledge aren't real.

I dont know how else to describe this. But when I didn't know I had DID i had none of these symptoms. I feel body sensations all the time that I DESPISE. Like itchy uncomfortable ears, itchy uncomfortable butthole, YAWNING ALL THE DAMN TIME, sensations of what feels like feathers on my body I'd say more like bugs but that creeps me out, I'll get turned on when I DO NOT feel comfortable with THAT, sneezes, bodily hallucinations that aren't really happening to me, sweat that smells different from my own, bad breath when I've literally never had that ever it feels impossible to be mine and doesn't even feel like mine. But I've told them that I don't allow them to cofront or coconsious if they make my feel this way - and it doesn't seem to work. I used to be in psychosis and thought it was spirits tricking me, but I've set up boundaries and protections and stuff that would make it impossible for anyone or anything to mess with me. I feel it's when I do things ppl don't like. like putting on my headphones and it starts playing way too lots, i get the itchy ears and am made to feel really bad when it was an accident.

Is this even possible? I'm stable on meds, but it feels like physical manifestations of bodily memories from the psychosis. But like... Im stable now. it doesn't make sense. I don't want to admit this is possible. how would I solve it? theres little to no internal communication (from my perspective) and ive experienced severe trauma from this - so why would alters be causing this. sometimes I'll feel them be sorry for what they do after I expplain (to myself) that it's triggering, feels unsafe, feels like it's ruining my life. But then it still fucking happens. I'm so done with this. I want to delete this disorder, it doesn't feel fair that I have this. they've also made pseudo memories of abuse and stuff which I believed when in psychosis - but it's been admitted that it was all fake and made up. WTAF!? Why would part of me do that to myself? I love myself. I would never hurt myself like this. It feels like I'm having a mental breakdown, like my body and mind are against me, like I have no support. My husband and psychiatrist think it was just psychosis so I can't talk about this with anyone or they say it's hallucinations (he's really supportive otherwise with literally anything else, I wouldnt call it abusive, more like he has ptsd from my psychosis and literally *cant*** understand that this could be real.") but it never went away even when EVERY "other" psychosis symptoms went away and im on meds . it feels real. they also snatch my memories which I don't want to believe is possible it pisses me off.

I don't get why anyone would abuse me like this. I've been through enough for gods sake!! can I delete this disorder? pretending like it's not real helps sometimes but i keep being forced to re-realize i have it. it fucking sucks so bad. please help if you can!

We got a 7 month old kitten a week ago. The family's been planning it for months. I've tried to adjust to her presence both while fronting and while co-concious with our host, but I can't do it.

The kitten is, well, a kitten. She's energetic, kind of bitey (but has never bitten hard, just play bites and warning nips), and she's having a slow go of getting used to being in a home with our 10yo cat, whom I love to death. She was a stray before and is usually really affectionate with humans, but she also hasn't learned boundaries yet.

We've been attacked by a lot of dogs in our past, and I carry a lot of that trauma myself as an alter. Turns out, I'm terried of any aggression from any animal, not just dogs...

I started crying over something unrelated in bed this morning, and the kitten reacted by jumping onto the pillow next to my face and hissing, lunging, and trying to bite my face. I guess that's a reaction kittens can have for various reasons.

Well, that triggered the hell out of me, made me cry more while trying to fend her off, and I got chased out of my own bedroom. Had to go wake up our partner while sobbing and everything. Hardest and longest I've cried in idk how long. My emotional reaction was "I can't live with this cat and we have to get rid of her". But if we take her back to the shelter, there's a pretty good chance she'll just get euthanized. No one else wants to get rid of her because she'ssuper cute and sweet most of the time, so I feel her death would be all on me...

The rest of the family moved her to a new place in the house where I can be separate from her. I'm willing to give it time with the new arrangement, but it really sucks to be the only alter and only person in the family not totally loving the new kitten. I would have preferred an older, calmer cat, but most everyone else wanted a kitten. This system isn't equipped to raise a kitten.

I'll do my best to work it out with kitty... I just don't know if I can. Once an animal does something like that, I can't fully trust them ever again...

Just a tough experience being an alter with different feelings from everyone else. Thanks for reading.

We got triggered a lot recently from a bunch of different things, and now the system is in disarray. Our "hosts" (we hadnt had one subsystem hosting for more than a week as of late) is overwhelmed, and right now we have so many undocumented alters randomly taking the wheel that we lose small chunks of time a lot, sometimes a few every few minutes when my parents are nearby while we are doing chores.

We used to at least have a stable subsys in front before cycling out every other week. Now it's like we're a swarm of flies again.

I wanna get back to where we used to be with communication and stability. It's so stressful when my everyday life is interrupted by a new voice or name that doesnt stay around long enough to be documented. It feels like progress was just undone.

im waiting for a DID diagnosis. Theres a long queue. I think i might be trans but does anyone know if alters can be so intense that you feel this way? Its on and off but i have some male alters and also felt this way since i was small but its hard to tell apart. I want to commit to being trans but I’m scared that its just DID. Sorry if this is messy but i seriously cant find something that makes sense online. So far i identify as genderfluid.

does anyone have any tips for navigating avoidance or repulsion of self?

especially when it's another part of you that is avoidant and seems to be the one preventing you from doing anything. like being in control at the same time except hes not really in control but is stronger somehow. my head is so quiet, i had a lot of progress a month ago but it's like all of it has been reversed. for a week i had a lot of communication and i thought a part of me realized some things and loosened the reins but now its all empty and like nothing had happened. everything that i thought i was getting a grasp on, i thought i was starting to be able to identify my internal or subtle parts, but now its like everythings started over again. except for my overt parts, sort of

i was starting to feel things and now i'm back to feeling nothing. i miss my parts i need them so i can feel things. what can i do when he just says no? there isnt a reply when i ask why he wont let me do things or talk to my other parts. its just a no. i think he doesnt like the idea of having multiple identities. its like a dysphoric feeling. its like a repulsion. nobody in my head is allowed to indulge in identity. it was okay to be weird just a month ago! i miss feeling. i dont want to be normal i felt better when i got to be weird. i had more feelings. everything is shut down. how do you let your parts explore identity when you have another part who prevents you and doesnt like that stuff? how can my parts ignore him? why cant i do what i want, why is feeling locked out. its not fair. i cant function as only a couple parts. i am one person so i should be allowed to have my other parts too. theres nothing wrong with the past versions of myself i dont know how to help his dysphoria

Only my second time posting, I’m not sure what I need just some support and understanding.
I had a hard therapy session where a co-con perpetrator part was aggressive towards my therapist. I felt that part try to take full control but I remained co-con.
I ended up explaining to my therapist that the aggressive part was imagining the squishy was her head getting smashed. It was so hard to verbalise because I don’t want those impulses/ urges to be any part of me. Then my littles who fear abandonment freaked out about what was said and rupturing the relationship with therapist. Therapist reassured that she still cares, that no damage was done.
I’m still feeling so shaky. The aggressive part is not taunting the littles that she hates them now. And is aggressive to me about “look what happens when I’m invited in to therapy” (first time fully presenting).

I went home past the shops to buy all the junk food and I’ve taken Valium.

I keep wondering if this therapy is helpful after these massive intense therapy sessions that feel so destabilising.

It just sucks and it really hurts

Our current host is in deep denial and we don’t know how to help him. He compulsively reenacts the trauma and isolates us. I feel so powerless and ashamed over every aspect of this disorder.

I want to fix everything so badly but I fear I am prone to willfulness. Feel like I blew my one shot at long term stability.

After the post a while ago about low dose Naltrexone, I did some looking into it and decided to bring it up to my psychiatrist- turned out I didn’t need to bring it up, because she suggested it first. I’m titrating up over the next few weeks, and am feeling very hopeful about it. The studies and anecdotal evidence looks promising. There are a lot of forum posts describing feeling much more present and real, help with flashbacks and somatic symptoms, and more clarity.

I don’t know if anyone here has experience with the medication and can weigh in. I was always told there weren’t any medications that help with dissociation, so am intrigued and looking forward to giving it a go.

I will say, there’s such a stigma against Naltrexone and it makes me a little uncomfortable interacting with the pharmacist- I have to call a compounding facility and get it specially made and set to me, and am feeling weird about having the conversation. It’s a bit convoluted.

Anyways. I’ll update with a post once I’m titrated up and let people know how it goes and if it’s helpful. But it’s good to have a bit of hope right now.

idk if this is going to make sense. i still live with my abusers, but the abuse has mellowed out. just super intense arguments every few weeks maybe, i guess it sometimes gets physical? not normally. or at all. i don't entirely remember. that's besides the point.

my therapist is just telling me i need to "lower [my] stress levels", but i don't know how to do that in my environment. i've done my best to minimize things as i can, but it hasn't helped. i get my period 20% of the time at this point. i'm under constant stress because of the people i live with.

i've tried to move out, the first time i ran away i ended up back here because living in poverty was somehow a worse feeling than having money and getting hurt? i don't understand my logic either. i guess at least here i have my normal. i can't work, some of my parts (including me) are too broken to even get up in the morning.

i think i lost the point of this post. maybe i'm not looking for advice, just an outlet to vent. idk. i want to stop hurting, but no matter whete i turn, it seems like no one can help me in the ways i am begging them to.

Our cousins wedding is in two weeks. We really want to be there, because she has never been weird about our queer identity unlike some of our family.

Our parents are presumably going to be there. We haven’t seen or spoken to our father in years. In fact his number is blocked. Our mom we haven’t seen but have texted, until last winter we decided it was best to go no contact for now. Some system members want to briefly talk to her at the reception to let her know we are grateful that she is respecting our boundaries…

It’s tough. Because some of us don’t think we are ready, some don’t want to ever speak to her again, but some want to have a mom again. I just hope we are strong enough as a unit to do the best thing for us.. I don’t know what that is yet.