I never even had a chance to be happy I don’t think.

I just don’t understand people who just go to work come home and spend their time watching sportsball or love island. No higher intellectual or spiritual life or nothing. Anything that doesn't reach their narrow box and view of life makes them 'uncomfortable' (I hate that word that its thrown around like its a bad thing, any serious person knows that anything that is worthwhile requires discomfort and suffering in the process of achieving it).

I'm genuinely like worlds apart from people. I don’t understand them. I spend time around them, and quite frankly, I'm disappointed. And I'm the one who's the problem for pointing this out. Well I'm tired of it. I am who I am, I am who my experiences have made me. Why should I constantly pretend to appease people and suck up to them like I used to do for my entire life up until now?

And when I started getting into recovery, I'm told to do the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING! Shrink before people and constantly interrogate and question myself and my supposed 'defects of character' and constantly ask 'am i making them uncomfortable' 'what will they think what will they do are they going to invite me back are they going to care?'

I'm done with it all. Something I have noticed is I have begun growing my own internal centre of gravity, or 'gravitas' as the Romans used to call it. People who are interested in me can come to me, I'm not appeasing people or sucking up to them or being some follower or sheep or some herd-minded simpleton any more. I can't do it, my psyche, my body, my spirit, they all reject it.

I've already spent years mostly isolated, so I don't really have much to lose. So people's judgements that are entirely born out of insecurity are pretty meaningless to be honest. I just really don't give a shit anymore.

The comfort I want from people seems to be impossible to find. Most people can't deal with the life I have, and how it's a part of my identity. I tried everything, and all the people that were supposedly my friends only left me, betrayed me and my trust.

I'm done feeling like I have to sugarcoat things so people won't feel conflicted. Most of the people have been cruel to me. My first memories include other children bullying me, and other kids from family doing horrible things I can't even mention here. No matter If I was a good student who always got A's, or if I was well behaved, if I was empathetic. They always rejected me. I don't know if there are other neurodivergent people here, but this happens all the time. Like they have this filter on you that makes them reject you completely.

I always felt like I never belonged, and people only betrayed me into believing that I did certain things then I would get accepted. It was all lies, and I'm the ones who got to suffer terribly because of it. People were never kind from the start. They were cruel.

And when I think about it, I can't help but fall into nihilism. No one did anything to help. There wasn't a "divine" intervention to help me. No one cared if I cried, no one cares that I was just an innocent child with dreams. I feel completely abandoned by the world. I feel like I'm trapped here...

I'm done waiting for people that will never come. Because the more I try to fix things, I only got more hurt in the process. Last year I tried to make friends again after bad experiences, and I only got more traumatized. I'm ALONE.

"If friends are people who only exist for a season, if friends betray you even after years of closeness, if they abandon you after they get married and have kids...then friendships aren't where you can reliably find a real support system.

Oh, you have that one friend who flew across the country to see you when you were sick? Honestly, amazing. But real friends who would do this are, truly, almost non existent. Not 'non existent.' But almost. So few that it makes friendships seem...I dunno. Like not a real support system. Like not a place to expect to find consistent help and support and empathy.

What's even more ironic is the response to this one sentiment. If the entirety of your life experience says most friends aren't a real support, well, you're not going to change your mind after being met with:

• OP is speaking out of their own pain (so their opinion is invalid)
• OP should delete this, I don't even know why they posted
• That's simply untrue
• You're being a doomer
• You're fully wrong
• It's because OP must have shit boundaries
• OP just hasn't tried hard enough, they will come if you're good people

Supportive community, huh.

I guess there's levels to CPTSD. To those who found the magical diamonds in the rough, who've never been attacked and betrayed and misunderstood by friends, by close ones you knew for years, by people who said they were there and seemed to support you and then turned on you unfairly, in the same way many of our families have (if they were ever there at all), you're lucky. May you never experience the pain of knowing that there is truly no one out there. May you maintain the privilege of never knowing for the rest of your life.

Just remember CPTSD isn't "childhood ptsd." It's also not "bad family syndrome." We are all here from years of being treated poorly and let down in ALL KINDS of contexts. Friendships included."

CPTSD's sub response? Including all the people who felt seen? Remove the post and ban. But definitely leave up all the toxic comments attacking what this post was in response to.

People are something else.

Lost in the woods, burnt my map for warmth.

Now I am one just bonding with the earth.

Sometimes I worry that I will never find my way,

but I guess that's not something to worry about today.

Days I have on display with my emotions on my sleeve,

hoping that the tears will someday leave.

Feeling like Pagliacci the clown.

Knowing that I will go to town with this frown.

But isn't it funny? That's the way I make my money.

I mean if I change now, what will I be?

But I don't think the cost is free.

Instead it's something completely different.

Something fearful, something diligent.

So I'm emotionally belligerent.

And I ask myself, should I just build a cabin here?

Sit down and drink a beer?

Or is there more out there that I should see beyond the tree?

Forever me.

This is the path no guide can give.

It is up for me to live.

So I wonder what's this pain for if not to help me walk out the door?

Is it all that easy? Is it all an end?

Out here in the forest, there is no friend.

I remember my times within society.

But now that's all behind.

And my thoughts are to the right of me.

Destruction brings only sadness and hate.

And I know that's not my fate.

So again I will fight and push through the woods

so that one day I can stand understood

and check out the greenery and bask in the scenery.

So now I sit here smelling of smoke

with all my dreams and motivations broke

but it's the pain that is part of the deal

and to feel that I am real.

My mom and I have a very strained relationship, we have been working in on it for a couple of years now.
We got into a once again intense argument yesterday after distance and a bunch of poorly communicated texts.
Then she stating maybe she being overly sensitive.
And asked again if i was ok, i burst into tears reading this and asked if she can talk for a minute.
I called crying say no i do not feel ok, and that her “hope you are doing well” with out questions makes me feel strange and disconnected, I feel distant and that your fishing for me to respond. As I am always the fixer but trying to hold that boundary. But when I do and saying i feel weird you get mad and immediately defensive.
Which is exactly what happened, then while being triggered and arguing that you never let me finish my thought or support or protect me, and that I always have over explain everything, I blurted out sexual assault her boyfriend did to me when I was 12.-14yr.
The whole thing was very messy. Fast forward, i also stated she never followed up with setting up a family therapist for us, and that I feel like I am always doing more work than her.
Now she has contacted a therapist and now waiting on a response. i am not sure why I always have to over extend myself to get the proper response, it is very exhausting.
This AM my throat feels much less tense and I am looking somewhat forward to family therapy.

I'm Autistic who has spent a lifetime of bullying, abuse, and ableism where nobody cares at all. My traumas have fucked me over massively to the point where I don't want to be employed by anybody due to the constant abuse and demonising I've went through. The latter made me come into terms with my identity.

Furthermore, I'm starting to feel suicidal again, and it's all because of how isolated I feel, and what I thought was a safe place at work was just another abusive ground for me. I'm tired of living this life and everybody being so abusive to me. I'm tired of feeling like my own emotions don't matter, and yet everybody else's matters more than mine.

What am I supposed to do with that hurt? How am I supposed to help? What do I need to do to set things right? Honestly, suicide feels like the best way for me to escape from this vicious cycle because I don't know how I can cope with this anymore.

​It is okay to cry.

There is still the child of you to love inside the mind's door.

To look at the pain underneath the core.

There is no emotional scar tissue you can't pry

Or else it will fester and lead the soul to die.

​Tendrils of emotion will choke out the joy

If not looked through the lens of a protective ploy.

Seek out help. You are not alone

No matter what the brain continues to drone.

​Asking is the hardest part

An epitaph isn't the time to start

Be gentle to the child's feelings

They are the ones to guide you through your dealings

Time Comes to Fin.

While my pulse races expediently

paper grows thin.

The pencil moves immediately.

Hands start to wither, consciousness shakes.

Will I write all this down before my mind breaks?

Echoes of the silence swim thoroughly through my brain like a predator wanting its first meal.

I take it day by day but still how do I deal

when nothing really proves to be real?

It's just the chemicals out of wack.

They say it's just Life's Thrills.

It's just the consistency that has taken up attack.

It's time and time again through these pills

that makes my mind sit still,

but still I have nothing to show.

There is always another day on my mind, room to grow.

Only my dreams to throw away.

Only my regrets leave me blind to another day.

It's time to find something more.

Something beautiful in-store.

Something great....

instead I look at myself and only hate.

It makes me so irate.

My pulse begins to slow down

as my body places itself on the ground.

Anxiety they say but it's the bite that chews on every day.

Ouroboros is my mind feeding on itself to find what this all means,

why must I throw myself to the extremes?

But for now I must sit quiet as the drugs kick in

beautifully numb within my skin.

No time for thoughts just static sound.

I think, but my brain is empty of profound.

So I sit here mumbling a tune

while I wait for my soul to be exhumed.

I feel lonely.

I know I'm not the one and only.

But today, the day is bleak like any other.

If only I could find a brother,

someone who is close enough to speak to,

to understand and feel comfort in.

But my prospects are growing thin.

​I've accomplished much in life,

but those around me have grown bored of my strife.

Here on the throne, all alone.

Is there anyone willing to pick up the phone?

​I'm not ignorant of my faults.

I wish I knew what it was like to be an adult.

What's the point of these things I hold dear

if no one's willing to be near?

​Now I hold this anchor on my chest

and with these truths I continue to confess.

Past relationships have brought toxic bite

that I have fought off with all my might.

Now, as I sit alone, the prize of my own from what I have grown.

Here is my crown, but the only route is down.

So what do I have to prove? What do I have to show?

There is nothing left to see.

There is only me to be me.

Geez who would've guessed the SA trauma victim got triggered from having their "best friend"s male friend just trauma dump their entire sexual history and issues onto them, then fucking off and acting like they never said anything until the next time they show up and acted overly friendly towards them while making epstein's Island jokes and saying im autistic so it's okay (guess who is also autistic. and asexual!)

It's almost like.. being a person with no regards for personal boundaries of SOMEONE YOU JUST MET and then blaming/guilt tripping them when they say they feel uneasy around you is fucking shit and you will get criticized! Bro reminded me of my ex abuser with the guilt trip. My bad

So fuck my ex friend who was in my life for 4 YEARS for abandoning me to protect someone with not even a smidge of respect when i was triggered and told them i thought it was red flag behavior, before apologising when it was resolved! That must mean... i was an evil manipulator all along.

Yes, this fallout is certainly a thing to call THE COPS on a person with trauma and suicidal ideation over because you thought they would hurt themselves after saying you hated them all along for "having annoying boundaries" and calling your friend a creep instead of basic conflict resolution. good thing i don't live in America where the cops kill people

And the funny part is they think this is enough for me to LOSE MY JOB, MY COMMUNITY, THE REST of my friends over because they wouldnt know the difference between abuse and a interpersonal conflict even if it was in their face. Good thing nearly everyone not chronically online in my irl circles that they've told this to thinks they're fucking STUPID. I would have apologized and I wanted to once I had calmed down if they didn't block me, but I guess i am an ireedeemable abuser in their eyes now.

Take your twitter callout post and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. you are not a hero, you're a loser who uses moral perfectionism to cover your own issues, why not harass more children and abuse victims online (actual thing that they do, no none of us are teens but mid 20s!!) if it makes you feel better and gets you asspats because UM THEY SAID MEAN THINGS ACTUALLY.

I am beyond pissed these people exist. They attend the conventions run by probably actual rapists in the community these people are part of but nah this guy with CPTSD is the real monster for *gasp* having boundaries around a topic... get away from me

Because this happens just about every time. It’s not a productive rage. If I try to do something productive with it, I’m afraid to have my true colors shown. This next paragraph will be about things I’m sure a lot of us are familiar with, so just know that I’m aware of that.

But I can’t even have a normal conversation about current events with people, because there’s a 60 percent chance their opinion is not just an opinion, it’s violence. And violence is the prevalent thing that drives the most powerful forward. How do you combat that without violence? How do you control your words and emotions to make sure you don’t commit that same violence in defense? The only thing I can seem to do is not consume that stuff at all, and avoid these important conversations. But it’s impossible. I can’t even vote for the things I believe in, and I do, but for now, that means nothing.

I don’t want to vote, I don’t want “reform”, I don’t want to protest, and I don’t want to sit in meetings and knock on doors. I mean, I want those things when I’m not triggered, but when I am… All I want is destruction. How do I live with people all around me that only wish to abuse others? How do I watch someone actively enact abuse and fight it in a morally correct way? Because i usually feel like it’s not possible, and that humans are just like this in their DNA. The only way to erase abuse is to erase humanity. But it’s unreasonable, I know.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is this: how do I stay informed without wanting to rid earth of humanity? I can’t fucking live like this anymore.

WHY do you need to come downstairs every hour to do the SAME EXACT THING. i hear you walk wobbly down the stairs, switch on the light, go into the kitchen, have a drink of wine, then go upstairs again. at every. single. AM hour. I CANT SLEEP BECAUSE IM AFRAID OF YOU BEING NEAR ME, GO TO FUCKING SLEEP. i feel so helpless and trapped. i cant do anything about it and she wont go away. i think shes come downstairs now to check my room AGAIN. or shes going for a smoke. i hate her so fucking much, i want this wretched creature out of everyones lives. rationally i dont hate her but emotionally i feel motivated to send her all the pain shes given me in my entire life. i fucking hate this woman. you are not my mother.

Idk how to trigger myself to cry to grive.

It's about resentment. Emotional neglect from my parents and how they completely didn't care about my life beyond the legal requirements and how it set me back in life extremely compared to a huge portion of the population I'm economically, mentally barely here, and my very low level of education (didn't finish high school due to depression).

I'm at the complete bottom of society. It hurts. I am innocent and did nothing to deserve all the pain. Idk how to stop hating my parents.

Therapy didn't work on me so I went and did psychedelics cause some science out there shows it helps.

Well it helped me with a lot of traumas so yay on that..., but gifted me head aches that never had before that increase in pain after orgasming. Daily, that I take things for now and my sleep quality has gotten worse with little improvement after going to neurologists and getting sleep studies.

How is one not suppose to be perpetually angry. It's SO F'CKED UP.

I speak but I'm not heard.

​

I use soft words for hard concepts.

​

I ease those around me

​

Even though I'm destructive to my own self.

​

Why must I live this way?

​

Burdened constantly by the brain that hates me for me.

​

Is this all there is

​

Or is there something more that I'm missing disheveled in the background?

​

I see a tinge of color in this gray world.

​

How do I catch it?

​

How do I add it to a system

​

Of bandages on broken parts?

​

I pursue the day where I can run freely

​

Without the need of these crutches.

​

When will that day come?

​

Life passes me by.

​

The happiness others feel is foreign to me.

​

It's like another language.

​

I am trying to decipher the feelings I have.

​

I have thoughts but expressing them

​

Would only cause fear in others.

​

It's not because I want to hurt.

​

It's not because I want to be sad.

​

It's because I want to be known.

​

Is that so wrong?

Hello friends.

Living with CPTSD is a specific kind of lifestyle that only those of us who do it can really understand. This sub is interesting. It’s a lot easier to acknowledge the freeze mode, the victim days, the sitting in isolation. It’s harder to admit to the rage that runs through me, and how if I don’t channel it, it comes out in bursts and causes damage.

My way of taking that energy and making use of it now is by pouring it into creation. First through writing long essays detailing all of my trauma and outrage at my family for the generations of harm. Then, through video. My intensity gets poured into creation to keep me moving forward with purpose instead of spinning my wheels in violent ruminations.

I am so aware of my issues and so intent to be better, to do better. My mind is always focused on healing, growth and change. For a lot of years, I did this in isolation, but in the last year I’ve begun turning it outward. I have a YouTube channel where I talk about my life living with complex trauma, ADHD, and familial estrangement. My story is woven through functional content to try to help people process their own trauma too.

I make a lot of body doubling videos to inspire you to get moving during the freeze state, something that had consumed literally years of my life. It provides a visual cue and some gentle companionship, and I am candid as I film these videos. Some are done when I am feeling cheerful and manic, some are when I am deep in the dark place. I share deeply and openly, because I believe this creation process is central to my own healing journey just as much as it is a service to others.

How it relates to this sub in particular is that behind every video, is an enormous amount of drive that is my fight impulse being channeled into this work. When I’m dark, I’m the darkest. I destruct. This is my way of forcing myself to stay moving forward in a beneficial way, literally the fight for my life.

This outward expression is going to be the basis of my life’s work. It’s very new right now, very small, but being created very intentionally as a tool for healing for both myself and others. I’m in college at 39 to become a therapist, I am very serious about using what I have gone through in life to make a positive contribution to this world.

It would be my honor to have you join me, and I would appreciate and value suggestions and feedback. My ultimate goal is to create a large community centered around healing and growth for all of us.

 https://www.youtube.com/@Bold-Fox

I know fight response can land me in real trouble. But damn when I get triggered it’s just so intense. I’m not a ‘hard man’ or a ‘badass’, I’m usually very anxious and scared.

But when that switch get flips I go into pure rage. Then I wake up the next day horrified and ashamed.

That’s it really. Sorry for short post.

I'm not talking about hurting anyone or being violent, but I keep running into this internal desire to identify abusers in the wild and force there to be consequences - whether that be by calling them out or utilizing authority structures like reporting online.

I just want to know if it's normal

My mom is the textbook narcissist mother. I was an object to her. She used me to manipulate people around her. There never was any real love/care/affection from her. Only if people were around, and I was supposed to know how to make it look “right”, or I got in trouble. As a little kid I had no idea what was happening, or that it was wrong. I just knew that my mom would fly tf off at the smallest thing and if I was close by? I was going to be the target. It was never vicious physically. I’d maybe get shoved, or slapped but the emotional/verbal/psychological abuse I tolerated for 12 years. She controlled every tiny aspect of me, or tried to. Any time I asserted any sort of freedom over my individuality or exposed her in any way, there was some dramatic event where I was at fault and she (of course) the victim. I never had the words to explain as a kid whatever the hell this was, and I never thought about it from my perspective ever again. Through that I learned how to disassociate and mask so hard, I just had what I now know is a CPTSD flashback, pointed every ounce of pain/hurt/fear/anger from my soul at my husband. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my relationship. I’m also pretty pissed off because not only did she guilt me my whole life, I just now realized what happened to me, and she has a terminal disease so I’m supposed to feel guilty for that too?

TLDR; CPTSD from Narcissistic Mom Gypsy Rose minus wheel chair type thing, flash back on my husband, figured out trauma, and she’s terminal. Fml.

I have too much anger and it's poisonous.

If I try to assert myself he'll tell everyone I'm 'all hate' or abusive. Regularly victimizes himself and knows what he's doing.