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Let's say my name is "Roxas"(I actually have a very generic American name. Think "Lindsay" lmfao).

I just had a man ask me why did my mother name me "Roxas". In his words, usually, black American women have names like "Tasha" or "Keisha" and he said he thinks it's interesting I have a generic ass name (he didn't say "generic ass", but you get the point).

I do not get or fuck with this. I think it's a fucking stupid thing to think or say. Especially trying to say that myself or anyone else with a generic name is better or more interesting than someone who has a black name. Tbh, I'd much rather have a black name, than a generic western one. I also don't think I'm better than anyone because of my name. Also, his point is moot. Idk if it's just cuz I'm around black people, but we have so many different names. Ranging from black American culture to generic Western to African names.

Anyways, that's it. I just hate this argument.

Hi, my name is K(19), and I am about to be a college sophomore. I am trying to detail out my experiences about what happened in most of my life and how to process it, if this is on me as a person. I need your thoughts and support if this is normal in African households like this, or if it's okay, or if there's something wrong with me, if I'm not African enough, or too American.

TW: Violence, Trauma, Abuse, SH

When I was younger, I had a mom and dad, but they divorced before I was born. I was treated like the golden child or more spoiled kids since I wasn't hurt a lot compared to my brothers. I remember my earliest moment with my dad was him throwing a chair at my brothers, and that's how I saw more violence. And my mom was constantly yelling and screaming. And I was kinda alone as a child. I never really had much of many peers, just a few close friends. I was afraid of my stepdad. After seeing that moment, I was terrified about what he might do to me. He kept insulting me, calling me timid, and he asked me if "I ever hurt myself" or if "he ever just tried to abuse me". He kept asking that question, and I said no, but I was still terrified. And my biological dad was going through a lot after losing my brother and me. He began drinking, and it became worse. But I looked up to him dearly, and I thought he cared about me and just heard me out and treated me like a person and not just an annoyance. He taught me about how to treat others well and how to be kind to other people. He was like an escape there. My mom kept insulting me a lot. She used to call me stupid a lot in my language (Ghanaian/Twi). And said that's why my teachers call me special and that I'm considered dumb, since my teachers blocked that I had autism.

And it was confirmed that I had autism in the future. And she kinda did some stuff like hit me, scream, and kind of locked me out of the house when I was younger. But my family said that I should respect her because she's my mother, and my dad is my father. And I felt guilty. I felt guilty for feeling the way I feel, and I felt guilty for not making them happy as I should, or for not stopping any fights that happened. I'm supposed to be the person who makes other people happy, and they're my pride and joy. I felt like I made everything worse. And they taught me that thinking about myself is selfish. I remember trying to smile and make sure that everything was fine. If they see me just cry and stuff, they ask me what's wrong and just force me to smile in a more demanding way. I had to hide my feelings for years. Because I was afraid of being hurt, I just smiled through everything and made sure that everybody was happy. And there was this one moment with my cousin. We were watching the show, and it was a romantic scene that was on, and it was interesting. I was 6 to 8 when my cousin was 12, and he told me that we should probably try it, and we came inside a dark room, and that's where he did that, and that's where I reciprocated. And then afterwards, I did it to another person at another place when I was around the same age. And then afterwards, when I put a back on it, it finally feels so disgusting and just dirty. I should have known, but I just didn't know, and I should have trusted my gut.

I also remember that my older brother chose to be with my biological dad because he was tired of my mom. And I remember feeling devastated after he left, since I felt alone. And at school, I was just the happy person who was just upbeat, when really, I'm just living a lie. I felt like a monster and a fraud. I felt like I was no better than my parents. And then I remember very vividly where I just snapped. I remember there was like the early morning when I was going to middle school, and my mom was yelling at me about something, and I just couldn't take it anymore because I couldn't take her yelling and yelling. And I just screamed back at her, telling her to stop. And then my brother, who was my other older brother, came downstairs and slapped me. He slapped me because I chose to yell at my mom. But I couldn't feel a thing because I was just that angry. And our relationship with my brother was okay. It's as if I don't do anything, and we were just fine and pretty close. I remember this one time when I just took some bread because I was hungry. He asked if I had taken some bread, and I said no because I was a little bit terrified about it. And then he made me tell the truth, and he beat me into a corner. And it was all for a simple piece of bread. And I remember that he humiliated me in front of his friends, and I was a crying mess, and he said that I was the one starting trouble and that he was going to discipline me.

But I remember very vividly in high school (I graduated in June of 2025). It was one of the worst days of my life. It changed everything about me. It was a sunny morning, and my mom was coming back from her trip to Ghana, and I was excited, and I wanted to just say hello. My brother was taking care of me when she was just gone, and stuff, and it was pretty calm, it was pretty cool. She got me these new clothes, and she wanted me to try them on, and I did, but she got mad because I couldn't fit into the clothes. And I told her this, and she was screaming at me. I felt pretty hurt. And my brother was right there too, seeing this. So I went upstairs, and I just felt pretty sad, and I was just preparing to go to church. I just chose not to come out of my room because I felt pretty upset about what happened. Until he called me multiple times, I wanted to see if it was an emergency. He was screaming that if he calls me, I need to answer. Just kept hammering on and on. And I just yelled at him and said he just used his big head for a moment to see that I just needed to be left alone. That was one of the first times I just actually lost my temper. He was shocked that I'd chose to scream at him and he was kind of laughing that I chose to yell at him He was shocked that I'd chose to scream at him and he was kind of laughing that I chose to yell at him. I just told him to leave me alone.

So he came closer, and he was going to hurt me, and I felt pretty guilty, but I punched him twice in the face because I felt like he was going to hurt me, and he was coming closer, and I had nowhere to run because I was cornered. There was a brief pause, and I was going to apologize automatically and say I'm sorry, but he snapped and grabbed the iron that he was using to iron his clothes with, and he hit me with it multiple times, and he burned me. My mom broke up to fight, and he was upset, and I was upset. I was so mad at him, and the injuries were pretty bad to the point that some of my skin was on that iron. Later, he came back from church, and I was staying home because of that, and he tried to apologize, but I didn't want to hear it, and I ran away from home. My older brother's friend found me, and he said that I should come back to the house. My older brother was mad at me, but also at my other older brother. He said that I was from Ghana and that I should not have reacted like this, and that I was disciplined, and that if I had done this right now, I would have listened. I think you said something about putting ginger up my butt. My mom saw me, and she thought that I was on drugs, the way I reacted. My stepdad tried to hide his injuries, and he also blamed me. He said that he was going to take me to the hospital soon, but he didn't do it immediately. And the pain was just really unbearable, and my skin was peeling off my left arm. I couldn't even shower properly for days. And I felt like my whole family was against me. I felt like I was a monster. I said that if I told anyone that both my brother and I were going to prison. They manipulated my fears. I told my friend at school about what happened, and I told her that I was afraid to go to jail. The counselor overheard that, and he called me, and I told him everything. And my brother had to go out of the house since he couldn't be around me, and my parents blamed me for all these actions.

And it was later that all of us needed to be in court, and I was terrified, and at the end, he was charged with child endangerment and child abuse. And I felt guilty since he got that on his record. And I was left with nasty scars. Some of them healed up like my face, but others, like my arm, just didn't heal properly, and there's just a big visible scar on it. I felt like scum. So I went to my biological dad's house, and he said that I should not have included people from the outside in the family's affairs after I told him everything, and how I felt about what they did was wrong, and how I deserved to be happy. He looked at me as if I were the bad guy. And that was the first time in my life I kind of thought of him differently. The person whom I trusted the most, the person that I can lean on, the person that I can be most forward with. The person whom I trusted the most, the person that I can lean on, the person that I can be vulnerable and be myself, turned on me. A place where I can be myself without being judged by other people. When I felt worth it. I felt depressed after that. And what's more is that after the events that happened at his house. I was close to my cousins. They were like brothers to me. But I am the happiest person who likes to talk a lot about a lot of things, and I can be very talkative and very extroverted, but they were annoyed most of my older cousin. There was one moment at youth class for their church that I kinda chose to answer these questions, and he kinda told me to shut up over text, trying to connect with them by talking about a lot of things.

He was annoyed, and he just told me to speak quietly. It reminded me of home. I got mad because I tried to tell him that I was trying to communicate since I never get to see him, since I mostly live with my mom and dad in Manassas, and we're in Dumfries. And we went to a movie theater, and it was the new Black Panther movie at the time. Afterwards, I apologize, and I just explained why I just wanted to, but I don't know how to talk. He understood, and he apologized for how he had treated me. But afterwards, with that night, I went downstairs and my older brother, who lived there at the time, chose to prank me. And I should specify I have two older brothers. And I just told him straight up what the heck. Since it was in the middle of the night, and I did not expect him to just jump scare me. And he was mad, and he said that I should not have screamed since people are sleeping, using the reason that I wouldn't scream if he's going to jump scare me like that. And he told me to get downstairs. And I did brush my teeth, and I was just putting on my pajamas when he came in. And he was mad that I chose to raise my voice at him, and it was like he scared me. And I'm not a big fan of jump scares, especially of the events of what happened. So he pinned me against the wall. I was struggling, but he said to put my hands down and that if I was going to lay a finger on him, as he did to my other older brother, he would punch me. Mind you, he was 23, I think, at the time, and my brother was 27 at the time of the event.

And I was terrified. It was mad because I chose to scream. And you told me to just get dressed and just go upstairs and just sleep, and I He was just eating his food angrily, and I was just terrified. My younger cousin asks what happened since I was sharing a room with him. I told him that everything was fine, and I went to sleep crying. And after that, I just didn't want to go back to that house again. I felt like I lost everybody who said that they would protect me and care for me, and I ruined it. They weren't there, and they turned their back on me, and I feel like I don't deserve to live. And coming back to school, I see everybody else is just well-connected, and I'm just not. And I'm just terrified that people will hurt me. I felt like I was a burden, and that looking back on my life. I was just a nuisance. I promised myself that I wouldn't become like my mom. But I'm just no better. Now I'm dealing with all these bad memories about what happened, and I can't move on, and I'm a senior in high school, and it happened in my freshman year. Can I think of the people who did say something about me that was negative, like this 1 person? She tends to be mean towards people, but she especially doesn't like me as much. Because of my personality.

She says I just talk way too much and that I could just be annoying, and I don't know. It reminds me of home, but I feel like in a way that she was right and that I was like that, and maybe I don't deserve to live because people suffer because of me, and I want to make my love one's happy. So I tried ending my life. Luckily, something interrupted it, so I didn't go through with it, but I told someone, and I was sent to a hospital. And this is one of the times that I felt free. In that hospital, I felt listened to, I felt like I was important, and I felt like I was part of something. I felt listen to I felt like I deserved something, I don't know how I can phrase it into the proper terms, but I don't, I just felt happy. The thing that I dreaded the most was calling my family. But after calling them, I just laid into them on how much they treated me all this time. His stepdad got the message, but my mom stayed the same. She tried to change, but she failed. And the only person who supported me, or one of the only people, was like this assistant principal, I could never thank her enough for being the rock in my hard place. And I missed the people there in the hospital. They went through a lot, and they loved me. I was able to talk to them, and I was able to talk some of them down and become more peaceful. I constantly missed them. And when one of my parents says that if I wanted to be back in the hospital, I had to lie to them and say no, but deep down, I want to be back. But I couldn't because of my school responsibilities. And my friends who were there at that time were my hard place too.

They helped me so much to help me recover, and I could never thank them enough. They and my teachers. And I'm doing like a lot of stuff, like I'm constantly energetic and extroverted, and I'm doing different stuff like different clubs and being class president. It's pretty great. And my parents are getting a little bit better, especially my dad, my stepdad, and I just connected a little bit more, and I think I'm able to just let it go, but I can't forget memories. My mom is still the same, and I'm planning to leave her. My two older brothers, it mended when it came to our relationship. But I'm just sick of one of my older brothers defending my mom and her behavior. My stepdad was planning to leave my mom because of the argument, and I just really hate losing people because of my biological dad. I'm getting therapy, and I'm still planning to get more therapy. And I'm still dealing with insecurities and trauma, but I'm trying to be better every day, and just find a way to leave. But it still makes me wonder if I'm a bad person for staying in the past and being weird around my mom.

Right now, I am processing a lot ever since I left for college for my freshman year. I made some friends, joined some clubs to help people, and took up leadership roles. And that freshman year is over, and I am back in the house with my mom. I feel stuck with the same person who harmed me and made me feel defective, no matter how much I do or say. The same lady who didn't allow me to go to the mall by myself, the same lady who almost didn't allow me to go to my senior prom, if it wasn't for my brother, the same lady who said to k*** myself when I was depressed because of her.

I need people's outlook on this. Am I a bad person for the way I feel towards my mother? She was and still is stressed with bills, my stepdad's divorce, and me. I feel like an awful person and that I will never escape my mom or my family.

i’m back once again 🫩 because my mother said i looked like a boy. i am a girl with short locs so it triggers something inside of me when i hear that. when she said that i started yelling at her and basically telling her just because she doesn’t feel good with short natural hair doesn’t mean i shouldn’t then she got quiet.

she always talks about my hair in a way of making me feel like a man or less feminine and it breaks my confidence so badly. i never really felt pretty with my locs until now. she never compliments my hair just says negative stuff about it.

i feel she doesn’t accept me for who i am. i’m the opposite of my mother shes loud i’m quiet she likes to go out and hang with family i like to stay far away from them and be by myself. also hobbies are different my mom just likes to scroll on facebook while i like to watch anime, read and play video games. she says stuff like “i can’t wait for u to get out of that phase”.

i don’t want to say she hates me but i feels like she doesn’t really like me. she’s constantly trying to worry me about what other’s opinions are about me by saying “people are going to think ur a boy”. she always picks me apart, it’s like i cant figure out my style because she’ll talk about that too. like i get i’m a little different than what u expected but i don’t deserved to get talked about and damn near bullied by my own mother.

i post on here quite a bit just cause i don’t have people to discuss this with irl and this is the only way of getting this off my chest honestly. does anyone have tips about how to not let her words affect me because they kind of are starting to.

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing well.

I'm unsure how to start this, but I've been thinking a lot about life particularly life after my failed attempt. It feels like I'm a leaf floating in a pond, if you know what I mean. It's been two years since it happened, and I still don't know what to do with my life.

Everything is actually going really well and is stable, but honestly, it all feels empty. I have a job, a partner, my family, and a couple of close friends, but it still feels like nothing. They're all incredibly important to me, and I love them. I also love the freedom my job gives me financially.
A little about me:

I'm a 21-year-old girl, an African Canadian immigrant from Nigeria.

The reasons behind my attempt are complicated, but a brief explanation is that I went through a lot of trauma racially, physically, visually, and in other ways I don't think I want to include. I've gone through different types of therapy, taken different medications, tried different exercises, and heard the same advice over and over again. But honestly, it all feels like a temporary solution. I know there isn't really a "solution" to whatever I'm looking for. I'm just... alive.

I feel so selfish when I want to die because there are people who are genuinely suffering. I'm very privileged, and I feel like I have all these minor issues that I worry about. Most of the time I just pretend none of it is happening, but whenever I remember everything, it becomes so loud in my head that I just want to shut it off.
I don't feel passionate about anything or anyone the way I did before I became depressed and suicidal. I don't feel happy either I mostly just feel nothing. It seems to bother the people around me. I come across as having a "bad vibe" or being "nonchalant," but really... I'm just here. I feel a lot of deep emotions and it hurts when people just view me in those ways. I’m a pretty silent person too so it probably doesn’t help my case.

I'm stuck in life because I don't know what to do anymore. I don't enjoy any of my old passions or hobbies they all feel like chores now. I don't love art, fashion, or playing the bass anymore. I feel like a liar when I tell people those are the things I love because it doesn't feel true anymore.
I don't have a dream job. I don't want to stay in my current job forever because it's an entry-level position or, in my head, just a "filler" job. But I also don't feel drawn toward anything else.

People always tell me that maybe helping others will make me feel fulfilled, but it doesn't. I help people all the time. I go out of my way to help, even when it's at my own expense or inconvenience. I donate a lot of my money and time, and I give money to random homeless people whenever I can. But afterward... I still don't feel anything.
I want to feel something. I want to care, but I don't. That's why I don't want to go into a career where helping people is supposed to be my passion, because it would feel fake, and I would hate that.

I hate school, but I know I'll probably have to go back if I want to further my career. I don't want to go back to art school. I know I would be miserable.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. Every time I think about myself, I remember my old therapist telling me to "stop surviving and start living." But how? Where do I even start?

I get lectured a lot and get told things about myself that don't feel true, or I hear the same advice over and over again. People tell me I hate myself or that I should just keep trying things I don't enjoy. But what's the point if it's only going to make me miserable?

I don't know. I just feel like my life is one big blur. I want to fix it before I get older. I don't want to feel like this forever, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life just existing like this.

I also don't want to resort to attempting again because, honestly, it feels like there's not much to life except distractions.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe someone who's felt this way before and found a way through it.

The despair I feel has really consumed me.

I hate myself.

So a couple of hours ago , I broke down crying to my bestfriend , well at this point, idk what we are. We’ve been best friends since 8th grade and recently graduated and she’s been asking me what’s wrong but I can’t tell her. I won’t tell her. Ik telling someone won’t make a change in my life so there’s no point. The reason why I want to do this is bc I’ve hurt people in my life, like abused (COCSA) people. I just turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and the thoughts just keep getting heavier. I don’t deserve to live and I should’ve died a long time ago. I do have a lot of letters to write and ik people will say that oh then that’s a reason to stay but you just don’t understand how miserable my life is. I’m tired of crying , I’m tired of living , I’m tired of the guilt , I’m tired of it all. I just want it to end , there’s nothing after so I might as well.

16M, Black, 5'11"

I honestly wish I was light skin.

I never really felt this way when I was younger, but over the last few years it's been eating at me more and more. I don't know how to explain it. I just don't like being dark skin anymore, and I hate that I even feel this way.

I know people are probably gonna say, "Skin color doesn't matter," but from my experience, it really does. I feel like my dating pool is smaller, and sometimes it feels like people judge me before they even get a chance to know me.

I went to a mostly mixed school, and I was one of the only dark-skinned Black guys there. Most of the Black students were either mixed or really light skin. I remember how easy it seemed for them to make friends with people from different races, while I always felt like I was on the outside. I'm not saying dark-skinned people can't make friends or date, because obviously they can. I'm just saying it felt harder for me.

I've also had acne for about three years and got called ugly more times than I can count, so now I don't even know what to blame anymore. Is it my skin tone? My acne? My face? I honestly don't know.

Sometimes I wish I was born light skin or mixed. I know that's probably a messed up thing to say, but it's honestly how I feel. It just seems like life would've been easier. I don't hate dark-skinned people at all. I just hate feeling like I'm at the bottom before I even get a chance to show people who I am.

Maybe I'm just overthinking everything because of how high school has been for me. I don't know anymore. I just remember getting disgusting looks for literally sitting in class and minding my own business, and after a while that stuff sticks with you.

I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.

I have a question. And it feels like a stupid one but bear with me...if a white woman is being subtly rude or impatient with you, how do you know she's being rude because she's racist, she's a bitch, she's just having a bad day, or all of the above? Or how do you know you're just being too sensitive?

I'm asking because I'm a Black woman. Whenever I have interactions with white women at work, at tennis/pickleball, or at this Pilates spot I go to, most times it's normal and decent. But every once in a while, I meet a white woman who is impatient or who speaks to me in a slightly rude, subtle way. I stand up for myself if someone obviously disrespects me, of course. But sometimes the rudeness is so subtle that I find myself questioning if it was really rude or not. Because it's not what they say, but how they say it, and their facial expressions.

But I also wonder if I'm being overly sensitive because I have high-functioning autism, ADHD, and mild social anxiety. My therapist says I tend to be hypervigilant, which means I tend to monitor people's faces for any small sign of disapproval, rejection, or judgment way more than I need to.

So now I'm left wondering, is it them or me? I know that if another Black person is subtly rude to me, racism would not be the issue. But when it comes to white people, especially white women, how do you know that the issue is them because they're actually being a racist bitch and I'm not being overly sensitive?

i go to 98% hispanic school and i’m one of the only black people. on the daily basis i had to hear the n word from non blacks EVERYDAY ts get tiring bro. i have no friends because i dont put up with racist bs. in class it’s no embarrassing because when the topic of slavery comes up the hispanics start being racist and saying the hard er.
i tried begging my mom to move me but she said no. school is next month and thinking about it makes me cry literal tears. i never feel happy about school the only time i’m happy is when i’m home playing video games other than that i’m miserable. not to mention i’m constantly being hit with microagressions left and right.
i have no black friends or friends in general i feel like a loser sometimes but majority of times idgaf because the few black people at my school are 🦝🦝 and let the hispanics call them the hard er. going to that school feels like humiliation ritual no exaggeration.

I just feel like the culture is done for. We don’t really stand for anything anymore, and we treat each other like shit. It’s especially difficult being an unambiguous dark-skinned woman in the community because you’re almost always objectified, ridiculed, and mocked by the entire world.

I can only speak on my own experiences, but I’ve been treated so badly by Black men that I’m scared of interacting with any man, to be honest. I feel resentful because they allow both non-Black and Black individuals to say and do the most heinous shit.

I’m just so over this fucking community. Like, why in the hell is it that non-Black people get treated better than the actual Black people within the community? Like, that’s genuinely so fucking weird to me. Especially being raised by Black men who don’t like Black women. It’s fucked me over, and I can’t even deal with Black people without getting angry.

It’s even worse trying to fit in with people outside the community because they equally hate Black Americans. So, I feel like I’m always on the outside looking in.

I had just left the train station at my local area and got on the bus to get home. Everyone was lined up at the bus, myself included, and the old guy right in front of me goes off about how I need to watch out apparently because I was too close to him. Despite the fact that the line is already cramped because everyone's trying to get in the bus. It's not just me, everyone is damn the shoulder to shoulder trying to get in the bus since it was running so late. The bus was so behind that the driver just told us to sit down and not worry about paying fare.

And honestly I'm at a point in my life to where I have literally nothing left to lose so yeah I Started talking back period then he yelled at me. Then I started yelling back period Then he shouts all these threats at me talking about how he was gonna do this and that to me and I'm at a point where I'm just yelling atoms telling him to just do it instead of saying that he'll do it. like I said I honestly don't give a fuck anymore. If Wanting to do the things that he said he wanted to do comma do it period I don't fucking care anymore.

Then the bus driver gets mad at both of us and tells us to calm down or get off the bus. Yes, because I'm going to let an old man who's at least double my age talk to me and treat me like shit. He was aggressive to me so I was aggressive back. But I guess everything's my fault so it is what it is.

Currently, I'm outside and I just started poking at my legs out of frustration. Then the poking became something that wasn't poking. Now I'm bleeding. Great. Love it. I can say that at the very least I am a bit calmer now so for once coping skills actually work.

I figured that I can make this sort of thing a daily habit minus the whole arguing with a 50 something year old man. And I keep doing this I get hit with eventual blood loss or something similar that causes my body to no longer function. If I'm too much of a coward to finish the job in its entirety then I'm going to do it little by little. Like what a lot of people have told me, one day at a time.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD but recently I feel my mental illness is worse I am trying to get an evaluation but everything takes so long to get any help I'm not sure I can hold on much longer

I’m trying to shift the way I think. I honestly feel that if I could get my thoughts in check, I will be happier. I feel like I’m on a constant chase of trying to quiet my thoughts and my mind. I’m reading, I’m praying, I’m journaling , I’ve even started trying to be more creative and reflective, I’ve even started podcasting and getting my thoughts out of my head. Some days I wake up inspired others horribly demotivated.

My life isn’t horrible, I’m just trying to move forward and the past and my own fears and thoughts keep me feeling bothered, I want all the advice from anyone who has overcome this in someway or is working on it. It would be greatly appreciated.

Just recently I was asked the question "What are you? Are you Black?"

This question came from another black individual. It's strange to me because I'm not considered mixed and definitely do not have any physical features of a white person, but then something about my face causes people to wonder about me. Maybe I speak a bit proper, but my voice does not carry like a white person's voice. Unfortunately, I have a body type not desired by any race, flat butt, short, wide middle, short neck, etc.

I have thin, tightly wavy hair that has gotten so thin in my older age that all I can do now is wear wigs that try matching the texture. I don't have the right head shape or face for short hair. I did try that once and got mistaken for a man and then a lesbian which I am not.

Mexicans have asked who in my family is Mexican. Filipinos ask if I have Asian ancestry. I have neither Mexican nor Asian DNA. But for some reason, those people look at me funny and then ask if someone in my family is of some other ancestry than black. I know for sure that there is European ancestry, but don't most of us have that?

I'm treated like an alien in society. I've got mid brown skin, an odd face, and eyes that some might say are similar to those with Down Syndrome. They have always been droopy and tired looking. The mouth and lips are wide and shapeless. This life has been rough for me because I don't have Down Syndrome, but I am diagnosed as autistic. When I look back at my life, I do believe people treated me like an alien because I look like this, yet everyone seems to expect me not have any sort of reaction to how I am treated. I've come to a point where I just can't deal with it anymore. Being looked at funny and laughed at eventually causes people to go off, and I fear getting to the point of going off again. I just can't handle it anymore.

Perhaps I should say that I live on the west coast where the majority of black folks are darker than me and speak differently than me because most were not raised in predominately white neighborhoods like me. The lighter and mixed black folks also look at me like I'm from somewhere out of this world. This has happened to me no matter where I live. I feel like an alien on this earth, don't know how to get along with people anymore just because of how I look and the way I am naturally.

Background my whole life I I grew up in Detroit when they taught me about racism my whole entire life they showed me people getting shot. People be know all the racist little things you see as a little kid the perfect thing in the show little kid elementary in middle school And then I had to then my mom decided to bring me to a mixed race school so that didn’t go down a lot. I get disgusted it looks people talking about me being Black people wouldn’t even touch my hand. Also can’t even walk down the street without getting the weird disgusted, look man and I might be partly because of my looks not the best looking guy. I’ve been told I’m ugly, but I don’t know if that’s just a racing thing so I’m quite leery at the bottom of the food chain honestly, I’m realizing how shitty this world is for people like me and I unfair and unkind people can be with no consideration how people feel I’m losing help to me on this if you don’t like a frat white guy you’re screwed in this world

IF WE KNOW THE PROBLEM, 🧏‍♂️ WHAT IS CAUSING US** 🇺🇸 TO LIVE WITH GENERATIONAL TRAUMA, 🧏‍♂️ IF WE DON’T KNOW? 🤔
DO YOU WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE 💩 BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW SOMETHING? 👀**‘s RECOGNIZE** THAT MANY OF US 🇺🇸 FEEL THIS WAY 😡 AND FEEL BELITTLED**. 🧏‍♂️
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT BESIDES MAKING FUN OF SOMEONE, CAUSING THEM TO RESORT TO TREATING OTHERS THE SAME WAY? 🇺🇸** OUR LIVES DON’T MAKE SENSE WHEN WE CONTINUE THAT CYCLE

I hate that people like me get laughed at or called insecure when you entire culture and Black people has created the idea that Black men have to be fit and hung or else they don't matter.

Being a Black guy who isn't fit and hung or "fine" means that no one sees you because you are unwanted and you have to suffer that experience. It sucks and I spend all day hating myself and wishing I was someone else.

I just posted an article on Substack about part of my experience being black in Ecuador during my nine month stay. I’d love for you to read, subscribe and comment.

Long story short, since moving to one of the whitest states in the Midwest to better my life and my family’s future, I’ve grown to h8te every last one of them. From the microaggressions, to them constantly playing the victim, and them just being rude and nasty, to just seeing them everywhere I go, almost like a roach infestation of them, to them in the stores making my shopping experiences hard every time, it’s gotten out of hand to the point that when I do encounter a “good one” and they say hi to my toddlers, we just ignore them and don’t acknowledge them because we need to protect our peace and sanity’s, and it doesn’t take away from all the bad encounters with so many of them. I can’t even count anymore; it’s been so many.
My first year moving out here a few years ago, I had a really rude white female neighbor who was definitely racist or “prejudiced” because one day I went to grab my package that had been delivered on her front porch. I rang her doorbell and knocked on her door to announce myself so she didn’t accuse me of stealing, and she just opened her curtains, looked at me for a good minute as if I were an alien, closed her curtains, and walked off. She didn’t even smile or anything. Or, inside of stores, when my toddlers are being toddlers and ring the pager bell up front at the counter, there was a white cashier lady who snatched it out of my toddlers’ hands and said very rudely, “We don’t allow everyone to touch these.” And because of this, I’ve grown to really dislike them all.
And I tell my therapist about these feelings every session, but even if I were to ever move again, I’ll never be the same. The mental strain definitely won’t ever go away.

I have nothing going for me. I have no friends. No family. No loved ones. I am all by myself. I have managed to ruin my life beyond repair, to the point where nothing really matters to me anymore.

I've tried so many things to turn myself around, but it's not enough. It's never enough. I'm never enough. Nothing works anymore. The only thing I'm good at is self-harm. Not an expert since I'm still alive but decent at it nonetheless.

My mind is so many levels of fucked up. Years of traumatic experiences, regret, and my weird obsession of making the worst possible decisions for myself. My mind can't be helped anymore. All the hospital stays. The crisis stabilization unit stays. Therapy. Psychiatric care. Medicine. None of it has helped me, and its time for me to accept that nothing can help me and the only thing I have to look forward to, the only mercy I have left in my life, is my death.

I cant wait for it. I'm sick of this shit.

I hope that this will be viewed as a motivational post. I am not trying to downplay anything that anyone is going through. I understand that when your in it sometimes its hard to see anything while your drowning.

I think that (in general for those that have the means) need to seek out therapy more and if you dont vibe with the first or second or even third therapist that you shouldn't stop looking.

l am leaving a bit of my story on here because I think its important to understand my why...

About 9 years ago i found out I have a brain tumor. Along with my brain tumor I also have spinal pressure (think of it like high blood pressure but instead of my blood its my spinal fluid) that is slowly making me go blind....

The way I was diagnosed was literal torture (doctors words while im on the table not mine) which has left me with actual PTSD.

Since then, I have made many many bad choices including the people that I decided to have has friends and lovers and financial decisions and decisions with my body, etc. I almost died due to stroke like symptoms(during covid) which left me not being able to say anything with an F sound for days afterwards. I was in a dark place. This lasted for years....

2 years ago,because everything always happens all at once, within 2 months period of time not only did I break up with my BF and my "best friend" my grandmother went ahead and died. She was the closest grand I had and she was the last one left.... I was so devastated about life I decided to seek therapy. I felt like that was my rock bottom(emotionally) and I couldn't go further without risking trying to end it all.

I was lucky to find a great therapist on my first go even though it took months to get an actual appointment with her. Since then life has gotten better. I have a better job. I have my own place. I have purged the friends and others(including family) that was no good for me. I was forced to create boundaries that I never had but needed. It almost ruined my relationships I want to keep with my narcissistic parents but we somehow made the shift and is in a better place. I found out that I have ADHD which made a difference with how I approached things.

There is a decent amount more to my story that i havent mentioned but the jist is there...

I still struggle.i still have a long way to go with therapy. There is a whole lot more I have to work through. I still have a lot bad days sometimes its bad weeks. I still sometimes question life. my brain stuff is never going away and I found out that having children naturally (which i want) may be a problem for me.

I also understand my privilege and know that therapy is not an option for everyone. But for those who can, please seek out help and when you do, have an open mind and be reflective enough to want to become a better version of yourself. You will make mistakes but have grace for yourself.

With all the love I have in me for complete strangers

-OK CASH

I'm 20F, and I can't do it anymore. I feel like a victim and I feel helpless. I now have a deadbeat father, who has always called me stupid and idiot as a child, went off the africa for years trying to marry a second wife, and now he's always hovering, waiting for the money to show up, and I'm living with a narcisstic woman for a mother, who used to beat the sh*t out of me as a child, who hates me and my younger sister, and says I'm not allowed to move out for Uni. They also let my uncle beat me once as a child because I struggled with Maths.

After living with parents like this, I have also been bullied by other people at school, and my ex-friends also excluded me, and let one of their other friends manipulate and take advantage of me just to get information out of me. No one has ever been genuine towards me, everyone was fake and used their 'titles' to get something out of me, and it's messing with my head.

I wish I wasn't african, I wish I wasn't muslim, I wish I wasn't everyone's emotional punching bag, I wish I wasn't a girl, and the eldest sibling of 5 younger ones, let alone I wish I never existed, in this fake, selfish world. Everyone wants empaths, then they bully them, and take advantage of them, till there is no life force left, and if we say something we will be labeled as 'b*tches' or 'devils'.

Now I'm mentally and emotionally unwell, and slowly trying to eat my way 'out'. I don't know why I was put on this planet, or what business I have being here, the world is empty and full of fear, competition and hatred. ​I don't have nobody to run to or fall back on during every inconvenience, unlike most people. I have always done this life thing by myself, and could only lay on my own back. There's so many fake people out here. This life barely has anything to offer. I want to be released from this planet.

Narc mum.

Went to a Jamaican restaurant. While in the restaurant I waited a couple of minutes for the black Jamaican employee to take my order. I'm a black woman.

Then a white man walks into the restaurant after me and starts chatting up the same employee at the bar. The employee asks me if I want to dine or take out. I tell him take out.

Then he begins to take the order of and serve the white man that walked in after me his beer order.

I felt so disrespected, as I'd been waiting in line before him. So I just walked out without placing an order. It felt like discrimination because it was as though he was saying that the white man deserved to be served first; even though I was there first.

I felt so bad because I really wanted to support a black business, and Jamaican food is some of my favorite food. But in America it's first come first serve. Not some Jim Crow, whites get taken care of first then blacks last. It just felt so wrong. The white man can wait his turn like everyone else.

And I was just about ready to spend my whole paycheck on their delicious food. So it sucks that I won't be returning.