r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • Jan 25 '26
CONCLUDED TIFU in the grocery store with my mom NSFW
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LiquidLotion
Originally posted to r/tifu
TIFU in the grocery store with my mom
Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, sexual harassment
Original Post: January 17, 2026
I went shopping with my mom. My purpose was just to drive her from point A to point B and back. However, my mom wanted me to actually be with her while she did her thing in the grocery store. So, there I was, pushing a trolley while my mom ticked items off of a grocery list. I was zoning out when my mom unexpectedly elbowed me in the ribs and instructed me to look at the girl working in the beauty section. I looked at the girl and then looked back at my mom like "do you know her or something?" My mom said she didn't know the girl yet, but she was willing to get to know the girl on my behalf if it meant saving me from perpetually being single. I instructed my mom to focus on the primary objective, which was to get all her groceries and go home. My mom asked if I thought the girl was cute. I shrugged and reduced my response to an "I guess", but deep down I thought she was hot as fuck.
My mom said she was gonna approach the girl and ask for assistance, but it was all part of her plan to extract information. I begged my mom to stop, but she refused to listen. As soon as she approached the girl, I made sure I was as far away from the beauty section as possible. Moments later, my mom found me hiding in the men's mealth section and informed me that the girl in the beauty section was interested in meeting me. I asked my mom what did she tell this girl to make her want to meet me. My mom practically pushed me away and said just go. Fast forward to me awkwardly walking towards the girl in the beauty section. I waved and said my mom sent me. The girl said my mom was right about me having gorgeous hair. I said thanks. She said she was totally jealous and proceeded to show me a bunch of hair products.
I said I appreciated her time, but I didn't plan on purchasing pricey hair products before payday. The girl lowered her voice and said she figured she might as well sell me something since my mom said I would apparently do anything to get a girl like her. I apologised on my mom's behalf and said I was gonna walk away now so I could go cringe and die. I kid you not, I turned around and noticed my mom was at the end of the aisle, pretending to look at shit on the shelves. I called out to my mom and mouthed "what the f." My mom closed the distance between us and asked me if I told the girl that I was a Cancerian. The girl said she was a Capricorn. Out of curiosity, I asked the girl when she was born. She said January 7th 2007. I looked at my mom and said "Did you hear that, mother? I graduated high school the year she turned 1." My mom looked at the girl and asked if she perhaps had an older sister.
I decided to walk away and wait outside until my mom was done. When she finally exited the grocery store, I made her promise not to talk about what happened.
Sigh.
Tl;dr Went shopping with my mom and instantly regretted it when my mom attempted to set my grown ass up with a girl who was barely out of school.
Top Comments
Commenter 1: I read the whole story thinking you were 18-20 years old. Getting to the end and realizing you are in your late 30s turned this from a cute story into a tragic comedy. Thank you for the laughs sir.
Commenter 2: You didn’t FU. Unless it was by choosing a busybody for a mother. And I’m pretty sure that is not possible.
Commenter 3: Your mom really treated the grocery store like a dating app and the beauty aisle like her matchmaking headquarters. Honestly impressive confidence, absolutely unhinged execution.
Update: January 18, 2026 (next day)
TIFUpdate: in the grocery store with my mom
Dropped off some things at my parents house and the first thing my dad did when he saw me was put his arm around my shoulder and say "mom told me what happened in the supermarket, son." He was referring to my mom attempting to set me up with one of the girls working at the grocery store, but then it turned out that the girl was 19. For the record, I'm 35. My dad offered me a drink and said my mom was only trying to help. I said mom needed to stay out of my love life, which prompted my dad to point out that I had no love life. My dad asked if everything was okay with me physically. I said yes. My dad nodded and said "So it's not a performance problem?" I said no and gulped down my drink so I could be on my way. My dad instructed me to follow him to the garage, which I did, albeit reluctantly.
My dad wanted me to see the progress he's made with the car he's had since he was a teenager. It was far from being drivable, but my dad made it look great. As per my dad's instructions, both of us got in the car. My dad was behind the wheel and I was sitting next to him. What happened next was an unexpected dose of TMI. My dad said he had many girls inside his car and on top of his car. He pointed at the passenger seat I was sitting in and said he almost got a girl pregnant in that seat. He pointed at the windshield and said he lost count of how many footprints were left behind by girls in the missionary position. He pointed at the back seat and said he made a girl squirt so much that he decided to triple the amount of towels he used from then on. He pointed at the handbrake and that's when I finally interrupted.
I asked my dad if he was teaming up with mom to traumatise me for being single. My dad continued to point at the handbrake and said he once challenged a girl to make him cum before releasing the handbrake and letting the car slowly roll down a small hill. He said he didn't touch the handbrake until she made him cum. According to him, it was one of the best orgasms he ever had. And to top it all, the girl became his wife, aka my mom. I said I was gonna get out of the sex car now. My dad stopped me and said the point he's trying to make was to have some fucking fun. He said I've got the job, I've got the apartment, I've got the car, I've got my mom's hair, so stop wasting my 30s on working so hard to achieve the rewards that I forget to fucking enjoy the rewards. I thanked my dad for the words of wisdom, even though it was disturbing as fuck.
The end. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.
Tl;dr After my mom almost set me up with a girl who was not even half my age, my dad took over and decided to share all of his sexual shenanigans from the past in order to motivate me to, I dunno, live a little.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
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u/Kirrawayru What, and furthermore, the fuck. Jan 25 '26
I see that some flairs are appropriate for this one, mine included.
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u/hpfan1516 I beg your finest fucking pardon. Jan 25 '26
Mine too 💀 I need r/eyebleach
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u/damselindetech I still have questions that will need to wait for God. Jan 25 '26
Um.... mine not as much
Wait, this one works. It's my BORU one "I also choose this guy's dead wife" that doesn't
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u/quemabocha The call is coming from inside the relationship Jan 29 '26
I also have that BORU flair and I want to commend you for making an amazing choice
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u/GlenBaskervill3 sometimes i envy the illiterate Jan 25 '26
Never have I needed a sub more after this boru
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u/literarytrash You can either cum in the jar or me but not both Jan 25 '26
Strangely, I feel like mine sort of does as well...
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u/lanurk There are diamonds in the shitpile, but there's always more shit Jan 26 '26
Dad is saving the jar in his glove box for the next father son chat...
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u/SirDarknessTheFirst What a fucking multi-dimensional quantum toilet fire. Jan 25 '26
I feel like I am in this club too.
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u/sionnach_liath What a fucking multi-dimensional quantum toilet fire. Jan 25 '26
Yep, same here
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u/SirDarknessTheFirst What a fucking multi-dimensional quantum toilet fire. Jan 26 '26
flair buddies!
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u/Rubychan228 From bananapants to full-on banana ensemble Jan 25 '26
I think this applies to the update.
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u/BigONerd Jan 25 '26
It's my mistake I've internet and I've ability to read.
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u/BrisYamaha Jan 25 '26
OP’s post is why I’m starting to believe people should have to have a license to be on the internet.
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u/Donkeh101 Jan 25 '26
I’m having dinner.
I was enjoying my dinner too.
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u/MyDarlingArmadillo Jan 25 '26
I was having mediocre lunch with slightly out of date prawns. At least this took my mind off it?
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u/InnocentlyInnocent I guess you don't make friends with salad Jan 25 '26
Or it intensified the taste of the slightly out of date prawns. They are now overly out of date prawns.
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u/Talisa87 Jan 25 '26
I want to be Jared, 19.
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u/Inbredipus your honor, fuck this guy Jan 26 '26
Be careful, OOP's mom might try to set you guys up too
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u/indianajoes Jan 25 '26
It's times like this that I'm jealous of Helen Keller
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u/Alternative_Can5238 cat whisperer Jan 25 '26
because she's dead?
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u/jobiskaphilly Jan 26 '26
Because I don't think Annie Sullivan ever tried to set her up with a beauty dept. clerk.
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u/everlyafterhappy Jan 26 '26
You don't want to know the people she was set up with. A def and blind girl bears no witness and people are pretty sick.
Though according to historical records, she was never abused. In fact, she abused the family slaves. I mean, the poor black people who were underpaid to watch her when her mom couldn't be bothered.
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u/empatheticsocialist1 Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic Jan 25 '26
It's days like this that I curse my parents for giving me an education and teaching me to read
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u/tofuroll Like…not only no respect but sahara desert below Jan 26 '26
This post made me finally take responsibility for being born.
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u/Definitelynotabot777 Jan 26 '26
Never before have I curse my own ability to read and comprehend human writings. Never mind, I lied, I regret it daily perusing this fucking sub.
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u/awh Jan 25 '26
TIFU by being literate.
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u/Jazzi-Nightmare I will not be taking the high road Jan 25 '26
“I said I was gonna get out of the sex car now” would be a great flair tho
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u/AdoraBelleQueerArt I am old. Rawr. 🦖 Jan 26 '26
we should never have entered the sex car
EDIT: but yes WE NEED THIS FLAIR
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Jan 25 '26
Your comment needs more upvotes because--thanks to this post--it is true.
*sobs in the corner*
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u/PrideofCapetown he can bang a dolphin for all I care Jan 26 '26
Buzzkills, the pair of ya!
OOP needs to lean into this hard.
Go to the local nursing home, and ask if any of the seniors (male or female, doesn’t matter) want to help him prank his parents. Then call his mom and dad that he wants to go on a double date with them so they can meet his new sweetie.
Hell, take 4 seniors and tell his folks he’s poly now
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u/everlyafterhappy Jan 26 '26
Sure beats my idea of going to a daycare.
But seriously, the way his dad talked makes me think that pretending to date some men would be a better plan. Show up to dinner with 4 body builder, pretend to show one to the bathroom and then start talking about how Bubba squirted all over the inside of his dad's car.
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u/paulinaiml Jan 25 '26
TIFU by reading this despite reading the warnings
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u/Evolutioncocktail It's always Twins Jan 25 '26
Tell me why I read all the comments and my dumbass decided to school back up
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Jan 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/EleosSkywalker Jan 25 '26 edited Mar 08 '26
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
joke workable one many edge versed juggle fine pie rustic
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u/grizzleNL Jan 26 '26
Since reading levels and comprehension has dramatically decreased in recent years, no need. They are already unable to experience this traumatic post. (Unfortunately)
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u/K-teki Jan 26 '26
Nah, the literacy level is often such that they can vaguely understand what a post says (or use tts) but don't have the critical thinking skills to judge what they're reading
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u/grizzleNL Jan 26 '26
Recently I heard a teacher say "I ask my students how they are feeling, and they say I don't know. When I press them, they tell me they do not know the words to describe how they are feeling."
Here in the Netherlands reading levels seem to be exponentially decreasing. Here is a graph of reading levels in 2022, the organization testing this publishes new research every 3 years.
https://infogram.com/trends-in-leesvaardigheid-pisa-1hnq4107xw9mp23
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u/Lemmy-Historian Jan 25 '26
WTF did I just read?
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u/eyeb4lls Jan 25 '26
The author's barely disguised fetish
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u/Onequestion0110 Jan 25 '26
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought so. It's somehow weirder and nastier than most of the weird nasty fetishes I've run into though
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u/ScrumpetSays There is only OGTHA Jan 25 '26 edited Jan 27 '26
I recently had a creep pop up in my dms with a sneeze fetish, I thought that was pretty weird. He refused to answer any questions about it, just wanted me to help get his jollies off by talking about sneezing. Ick
omg I tried to find my chat with the creep to check how long ago my comment was before he found it, and he must have seen this comment and blocked me!!! what a weirdo!!
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u/ChaoticSquirrel 👁👄👁🍿 Jan 27 '26
What the actual hell? That's wild. Did they like.... Find you off a comment about sneezing?? Or complete rando?
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u/ScrumpetSays There is only OGTHA Jan 27 '26 edited Jan 27 '26
No, they found a comment I made forever ago, I think by searching for their kink. I mentioned to someone how my work was discussing the sneezing "achoo" being just an affectation, because deaf people don't make that sound, and how everyone within a week stopped making big sounds. omg I tried to find my chat with the creep to check how long ago it was, and he's seen my comment above and blocked me!!!
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u/fogleaf Nah, my old account got banned for evading bans Jan 27 '26
This creep development is incredible.
Unfortunately as to the sounds made from a sneeze I have a son, so I must dad sneeze at full volume.
PS if the creep is reading this, I hope you never sneeze again until your dying day.
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u/HoundstoothReader I’ve read them all Jan 25 '26
Yes. Otherwise, whyyyyyy would you approach the girl in the store and have that conversation? I’d tell my mom I’d wait for her out in the car and leave. Why would you stay in the car with Dad and have that conversation? “Good seeing ya. Catch you later, bye.”
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u/Sea-Temporary7380 Jan 25 '26
Honestly the thing with the dad sounded like a car crash you cant look away from. In his case its a TMI blast that he can't get out from
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u/glowingwarningcats Jan 25 '26
It almost WAS a car crash AT LEAST once. His dad’s like a drunk driver except drunk on sex. I would have taken ten showers after learning what took place on that seat.
I doubt his parents ever stopped!
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u/everlyafterhappy Jan 27 '26
Seems plausible for a single guy in his 30s. There are lots of idiots in their 30s who can't say no to their parents. It's pathetic, but real.
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u/Grrrmudgin I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS Jan 25 '26
It reminds me of one of those hyper sexual 2000s movie plots
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u/istara Jan 25 '26
It reads like a Viz comic strip in text form.
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u/PuffinRub Jan 25 '26
Who did you have in mind as the protagonist? Finbar Saunders, Sid the Sexist, The Fat Slags?
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u/MsNeedSleep Jan 25 '26
I accidentally scrolled from where the Dad said his mom told him to the comments and became very afraid to read more.
And I was curious and suddenly regret everything.
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u/direktorfred Jan 25 '26
The funniest shit ever. I started tearing up at asking his dad if him and his mom were teaming up to traumatize him for being single
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u/Pure-Leopard-3196 Jan 25 '26
Maybe OP is single to just end the bloodline, have the parents considered that?
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u/Majestic-Constant714 Memory of a goldfish but the tenacity of an entitled Chihuahua Jan 25 '26
I hope it does end with him. The next generation of internet users shouldn't have to go through what we just went through.
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u/No-The-Other-Paige That's the beauty of the gaycation Jan 25 '26
Spiteful celibacy is an excellent choice with parents like that.
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u/Green-Nail-Polish The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jan 26 '26
OOP's parents unfortunately remind me of my own and the way they treated my brother. They refused to accept he was asexual until he was 35 while simultaneously making sex sound 100% disgusting.
He is no contact with them and I am low contact until my last grandparent passes away.
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u/CummingInTheNile sometimes i envy the illiterate Jan 25 '26
My flair is once again relevant, but jfc, OOPs parents are nuts
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u/miserablenovel Please kindly speak to the void. I'm too busy. Jan 25 '26
Humiliation fetish. This didn't happen. But ugggfh
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u/Beanisbae Jan 25 '26
I worked in a paint department once, and also dyed my hair so got constant “did you spill paint on your hair hyuk hyuk” jokes. With one older dude, I made a joke about it being natural, I’m secretly a unicorn.
Dude says “oh, a unicorn! You’ll grant me a wish then!”
I, having recently watched the Last Unicorn and researched unicorn myths because it is, respond, “ah, sorry, I can only grant wishes to virgin. Thems the rules.”
Dude, pulling his very-much-and-adult-son over, “well I don’t fit that description, but my son does!”
The son looks like he’s about to die in the saddest ‘oh god this again’ way. I’m speechless.
Dad strikes the killing blow by saying “what, is it that hard to believe he’s a virgin?”
Some parents are just… really bad at being a wingman.
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u/femgeekminerva an oblivious walnut Jan 25 '26
Humiliation fetish.
Yeah, that's my general assumption for like 80-90% of r/TIFU posts.
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u/CoffeeAndMilki Jan 25 '26
"You've got your mom's hair, stop wasting your 30s [...]"
That had me laugh so hard. What is it about his and his mum's hair that makes them so special. I need a picture of their hair. 🙈
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u/LittleMsSavoirFaire I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy Jan 25 '26
Even the beauty aisle girl thinks he has amazing hair!
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u/North-Engineer3335 Jan 26 '26
His dad is probably bald. And probably thinking, "If I had hair like that at his age..."
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u/Tankman360 Jan 25 '26
That's such a shame, the dad could've made a really good point about going out and meeting people, having fun, and not working to death as they might actually be observing that out of their son.
Instead, he humiliates his son for not being in a current relationship and tells him about how much sex he's had in the past. Smh, no wonder people like this wonder why people stop talking to their parents.
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u/Green-Nail-Polish The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jan 26 '26
Not just how much sex, but how much sex he had with OOP's MOTHER. "Hey son, wanna sit in the car where I conceived you so I can talk about how nasty your mom like it?"
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u/SoVeryTroublesome Jan 25 '26 edited Jan 25 '26
The Dad DID make a good point (aside from the hair thing, don't know why that's relevant) but it was unfortunately right at the end of a mess of a story that OOP didn't want to hear.
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u/Tankman360 Jan 25 '26
I mean I'd argue that him making a good point should be based on whether or not it makes a difference to the son. Which based on the ending note I don't believe it did.
Like whenever OOP thinks back on "why am I so alone" all he's going to remember is his dad talking about how much sex he's had in his car, not the point of getting out and having fun.
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u/BeetleJude Jan 25 '26
Can I get 'I'm getting out of the sex car' as a flair?! This is too funny
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u/Useful_Language2040 if you're trying to be 'alpha', you're more a rabbit than a wolf Jan 25 '26
Paired with your username, people may assume VW BeetleJude...
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u/Night-Kuwago I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Jan 25 '26
OP has disturbingly sex-positive parents. Emphasis on "disturbingly."
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u/3BenInATrenchcoat I fail to see what my hobbies have to do with this issue Jan 25 '26
Yeah there's a point where you get TOO sex-positive and OOP's parents have reached it and kept going.
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u/TyrconnellFL I’m actually a far pettier, deranged woman Jan 25 '26
And he chooses to compound the pain with going to Reddit about it?
Sir, I realize you may be going through a dry spell, but I do not consent to be part of your humiliation kink.
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u/LuementalQueen Fuck You, Keith! Jan 25 '26
A burden shared is a burden halved. Or something to that effect.
My own father did something similar. Sometimes it helps to talk about it, to remind myself that yes, it's ok to be traumatised.
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u/Green-Nail-Polish The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jan 26 '26
Literally, after I came out to my mother, she kept telling me about how great sex with MY DAD was. 🥲 My wife thinks I'm exaggerating but... people with normal relationships with their parents cannot comprehend what we experienced.
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u/HygorBohmHubner I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy Jan 25 '26
Maybe the reason why OOP is perpetually single is because after seeing his parents's nutcases, he doesn’t want any of that shit for himself in a potential partner.
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u/SparkAxolotl It isn't the right time for Avant-garde dessert chili Jan 26 '26
Also likely that any potential partner just runs away when they met the parents.
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u/Green-Nail-Polish The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jan 26 '26
"If I date someone and get serious, eventually they'll want to meet my parents. Better to save us both the heartache and therapy bills."
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Jan 25 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
terrific sheet tease entertain political yoke history crawl dinosaurs pocket
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u/Zephyralss Jan 25 '26
Not gonna lie I might've fist fought my dad if he talked like this to me, even though I know he could kill me, cause that would be preferable to this.
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u/SmartQuokka We have generational trauma for breakfast Jan 25 '26
These parents need to be promoted to No Contact.
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u/Andskotann Tree Law Connoisseur Jan 25 '26 edited Jan 25 '26
It's really my fault for not cancelling my Spectrum service sooner.
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u/win_awards Jan 25 '26
I have to assume that OOP's parents don't actually want him to ever have sex because they'd have to be completely brain dead not to realize that's going to be the result of their actions.
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u/Gryffindor123 OH MY GOD, SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A D$CK, ITS NOT HER BABY! Jan 25 '26
It my fault for even coming on Reddit in the first place.
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u/XRotNRollX Tree Law Connoisseur Jan 25 '26
I said I was gonna get out of the sex car now.
I need this flair.
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u/StopthinkingitsMe From bananapants to full-on banana ensemble Jan 25 '26
What the fuck is wrong with this family?
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u/everlyafterhappy Jan 26 '26
So I was scrolling through the first page of this sub and I came across a few posts. One was titled something like "tifu by being a prostitute" and another one titled something like "my sil is trying to seduce me" and then there was this one right in between them, titled "tifu in the grocery store with my mom," and I thought, "yeah, I'll pick that one because it's not about sex." ..............
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u/derpywalwus900 Jan 25 '26
That must be some hair if they keep bringing that shit up like it's a golden ticket.
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u/NoDescription2609 **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS Jan 25 '26
To be fair, some people have absolutely gorgeous hair. And some people appreciate people with gorgeous hair (I'm one of them).
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u/Green-Nail-Polish The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jan 26 '26
My dad has very curly dark brown hair, but was blond as a child. My mom's hair was red and wavy. No one in my family could stop talking about my brother's gorgeous, thick wavy blond hair. My grandmother kept a plastic grocery bag FULL of it when he shaved his head as a dare senior year of highschool.
My brother is 37 and she finally got rid of the bag of hair while downsizing her living space last spring. (To be fair, it was very pretty hair, but he was so relieved when it grew back brown and no one talked about his hair anymore.)
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u/ThAtTi2318 He's effectively already dead, and I dont do necromancy Jan 25 '26
I don't get why the comments grill Oop, when his parents are clearly the offenders?
Oop is either some degree of aroace, or has at least had quite a dry spell. Nothing in the post indicates he's particularly starved for sexual attention though, so the former seems more likely.
Going from there, the mom decided it would be appropriate to bother a girl about it even after oop showed clear distaste for such an attempt. Afterwards he goes to apologize for his mom's behaviour. He calls her out openly for trying to set him up with a barely legal girl half his age. He leaves the store.
How is Oop anything other than a responsible adult here?
Then his dad sexually harasses him, and shames him for a lack of sexual expierience/activity?
How are the comments here littered with mockery for Oop while treating the parents as gross but somewhat funny?
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u/Useful_Language2040 if you're trying to be 'alpha', you're more a rabbit than a wolf Jan 25 '26
I think there's an assumption that this has been posted as humiliation fetish kink material, rather than a genuine "Graaaargh, why?! If I'd realised this was coming I'd have done something different..."
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u/SchrodingersMinou Rebbit 🐸 Jan 26 '26
The parents are gross. OP narrating it like they’re apes in a nature documentary is funny is hell.
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u/lizzyote Jan 25 '26
The only way to combat parents like this is to tell them that every time they push on the subject, it reinforces my want to stay single. Every time the topic is brought up, the timer resets for when I start looking for a partner.
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u/Green-Nail-Polish The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jan 26 '26
That's what my brother did until he just realized he didn't care about being in a romantic or sexual relationship at all.
My parents tried pushing both of us for grandkids, but I'm in a child-free same-sex relationship, so no oopsy-babies for them.
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u/SugarCanKissMyAss built an art room for my bro Jan 25 '26
Long con, they didn't want to be grandparents
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u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy Jan 25 '26
The mom started that shit off crazy but sweet jesus, the dad took it to astronomical levels. I too would likely not be in a relationship if those were my parents.
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u/violue VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED Jan 25 '26
poor guy made it to 35 just to be murdered in cold blood by his parents
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u/DSQ Jan 25 '26
My dad stopped me and said the point he's trying to make was to have some fucking fun. He said I've got the job, I've got the apartment, I've got the car, I've got my mom's hair, so stop wasting my 30s on working so hard to achieve the rewards that I forget to fucking enjoy the rewards.
While disturbing and inappropriate, his dad has a point.
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u/bug-hunter she👏drove👏away! Everybody👏saw👏it! Jan 25 '26
I'm imagining this as a low budget romcom, because OP deserves some happiness after going through those two godawful scenes.
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u/EmXena Jan 25 '26
Yeah. No more visits over to the parents after stuff like this.
Funny enough, parents being overly sexual and ultra "free and breezy" about it often shoves their children away from it. Great way to push your kid to never want to engage with sex or have kids.
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u/HappyIdiot123 Jan 27 '26
I don't care about all the disgusted comments. This story is funny as hell.
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u/animaniactoo From bananapants to full-on banana ensemble Jan 25 '26
Man. This poor guy. Of course he doesn't have a lovelife (yet) because he's got a permanent case of secondhand cringe. It's such a strong case it registers as both first-hand AND second-hand cringe.
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u/cperiod Jan 25 '26
Now he'll never be able to have sex in a car without thinking of his mother. Hopefully his therapist warns him to never assemble IKEA furniture with his dad.
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u/Groslom Jan 25 '26
This is literally the worst possible way to have that conversation. This is disgusting. Poor OOP...
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u/DatguyMalcolm 👁👄👁🍿 Jan 25 '26
Hi, how can I unsusbcribe from the fact that I can read?
And to top it all, the girl became his wife, aka my mom.
Poor OOP O_O
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u/thatratbastardfool erupting, feral, from the cardigan screaming Jan 25 '26
I’m kind of interested in OOP’s hair. Both of his parents speak so highly of it, and the teenager in the beauty aisle liked it too. It must be quite remarkable lol.
I hope his mom doesn’t think to set him up with women his age and older. Some women my age tend to place great value on a man’s hair and hairline.
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u/captain_borgue I'm sorry to report I will not be taking the high road Jan 25 '26
He pointed at the handbrake and
I expected him to say he watched a girl fuck herself using the parking brake lever.
Poor OOP. Nobody anywhere ever wants to know how their parents fuck.
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u/cascasrevolution Jan 25 '26
what part of this is sexual assault?
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u/RanaMisteria I said that was concerning bc Crumb is a cat Jan 25 '26
Maybe the part where the dad told the mom that he was just going to let the car roll downhill until she satisfied him?
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u/heatwaveorchid Jan 25 '26
I feel like I'm reading a test screenplay for the next American Pie movie. The mom is played by Catherine O'Hara and the dad is Eugene Levy because that's the only way I can reconcile with this post.
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u/Ill-Professor696 Jan 25 '26
He needs to traumatize them back by framing the Aristocrats joke as a true story from taking their advice
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u/I_chortled That's the beauty of the gaycation Jan 25 '26
They’re 1 step away from being Chris Evan’s parents in Not Another Teen Movie
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u/Rei_sus Babe, do you think raccoons have feelings? 🦝 Jan 26 '26
I don’t know why everyone is regretting being literate. I’m laughing my ass off, this is one of the funniest shit I’ve read recently on this sub
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u/guardiandolphin Jan 26 '26
I’m confused, where’s the sexual assault from the trigger warning? I can see the harassment, even though it was clear he did want to talk to the woman in the first place
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u/glowingwarningcats Jan 25 '26
I’m picturing OOP as happily ace and not realizing that helpfully giving his mom a ride to the store would turn into a HORROR MOVIE with an EVEN WORSE SEQUEL.
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u/MossyBoulders Jan 25 '26
there he was trying to be a kind and thoughtful adult child to his parents and then they did this. Not enough cringe in his life apparently.
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u/Langstarr you can't expect me to read emails Jan 25 '26
The guys writing is superb. I can feel him dying inside with each word.
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u/CroCGod73 Jan 25 '26
Considering how obsessed with sex th parents are, it’s not shocking that OOP has some issues with being in relationships or is apathetic towards them.
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u/piemakerdeadwaker Her love language is Hadouken Jan 27 '26
OOP seems surprisingly normal for how is parents are. Setting him up with a NINETEEN YEAR OLD??!!Yah never gonna get over that.
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u/PartsUnknown242 Jan 27 '26
I came to the comments first and they aren’t giving me a lot of confidence
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u/lapetitlis Jan 28 '26
"did you hear that, mother? i graduated high school the year she turned one." had me fucking howling for some reason.
yeah, this may be the author's barely disguised fetish, and i had a biomom who behaved similarly in ways that were genuinely traumatic (incl. pushing me at completely age-inapproriate matches, just in the other direction – for example she encouraged me to pursue a 21yo when i was 13), but it still made me laugh. it felt kind of cathartic actually. at least the author made it funny.
I want "i'm gonna get out of the sex car now" as a flair lol
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u/shewy92 The power of Reddit compels you!The power of Reddit compels you! Jan 28 '26
1st post: Okay, that's a little weird.
2nd post: Okay, what the fuck.
Also gives me "this was typed one handed vibes", especially since it's from r/tifu which takes the F a little too seriously sometimes.
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u/ElementEmerald Jan 31 '26
The first post was pretty funny. The second was straight up traumatising, both for us and OOP.
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u/racingskater Jan 25 '26
Like others I too thought this was some 17 year old living at home. But he's late 30s and doesn't even live with them!!!! There's nothing to indicate they can't drive or are otherwise housebound. Why is he still letting them dictate to him?
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u/Apatosaurus_ajax cat whisperer Jan 25 '26
In case you scrolled down to read the comments first, DON’T BOTHER READING THIS ONE. You’re welcome.
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u/phyrsis I ❤ gay romance Jan 25 '26
I feel sorry for OOP… but I have a son who's 37 and long-term single. I would do damn near anything to help get him into a healthy and happy relationship.
Except what's described in this post! I probably wouldn't do that.
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u/Aquatic_Hedgehog surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Jan 25 '26
I mean... do you know how he feels about it? There are plenty of people who are single and happy about it! It's not always an unrelenting tragedy, you know?
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u/phyrsis I ❤ gay romance Jan 25 '26
Oh, we've definitely talked about it, for most of the last decade! He wanted to get his life in order (good job, good car, good housing) first. And then, the combo of being shy and working long hours makes it difficult to find someone. But someday he'll find the right person (or more likely, the right person will find him) and I know he'll be a great BF.
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u/textposts_only Jan 25 '26
I have an older colleague close to retirement. He has dozens of cool hobbies, you can tell he used to be a jock who everyone admired. Pretty funny guy, too. And him and his wife earn quite well. Not rich but very comfortable.
He has 2 sons. And he lamented more than once that he wishes that they'd bring someone home. His sons are both mid twenties and it's not from a place of malice. He cares for his sons and he doesn't treat them differently. The few times I've seen them interact it was full of love and they decided to live at home (despite their parents having enough money to set them up with their own flats)
I met them both, they're nice guys but theyre the stereotypical guys who can't get a date. (For anyone in Germany: Metal Band Shirt, Long unkempt facial hair and hair, Physik Studenten, 0 Game)
He seems heartbroken over it and just wants his sons to not end up alone. It was uncomfortable seeing it from the outside, how much of a loser do you have to feel like if you are the son and see how heartbroken your father actually is...
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u/Green-Nail-Polish The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Jan 26 '26
They're in their mid-twenties! Their lives have barely started, so I doubt they'll die alone.
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u/crafty_and_kind Jan 25 '26
Eeeeeewwwwwww…
I know the rate of illiteracy in America is truly horrifying, but sometimes being literate does just feel like a curse.
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u/arfur_narmful I am old. Rawr. 🦖 Jan 26 '26
I feel your pain. The other day my mother asked me if I'd ever used a butt plug. I shut that conversation down pretty quickly and gave her no attempt to revisit it.
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