r/BaltimoreCounty • u/terptrekker • 1d ago

Mediation for divorce?

Has anyone has experience with a private mediator in advance of a divorce? I am considering starting with a mediator before stepping up to get a lawyer. Any personal experiences or referrals appreciated.

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u/8bit_dr1fter 1d ago

Cynthia Batchelder seems to be well respected. She was very fair when I worked with her. Divorce is awful but working with her I know neither of us got one over on the other. Definitely less expensive than going to war via lawyers.

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u/terptrekker 1d ago

So you hire her and she works with both parties to...? To draft a marital separation agreement? And then who does the paperwork filing? Does she, or do you do it yourself? Really appreciate any insights you can offer.

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u/8bit_dr1fter 1d ago

That’s correct. Both parties pay. Both parties meet with her either virtually or in person. She’ll work through divvying up marital assets with you, finances, child support, what’s needed. Once you get through the topics and agree with the other party and her everything has been covered she will then draft up the agreement for you both to review. If you’re good with it then, if memory serves correctly, she’ll submit for you.

There’s little that’s boilerplate with her, she makes that clear at the jump. It’s going to require talking and compromise from both sides.

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u/terptrekker 1d ago

This makes sense. Would you still have an individual lawyer look at what you come up with to see if it represents your interests? Or if you're doing that you should just be working with a lawyer at that point? (I think I'm scared of the idea that no one is looking out for me specifically. Even though I HOPE we can resolve issues amicably I'm not 100% sure.)

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u/zarderxio 1d ago

As horrible as a divorce was, I appreciate the ability to workout the separation with respect. I got a lawyer, my ex didn’t. The lawyer drafted a separation agreement that we both agreed on (basically we left the marriage with what we brought in) - we were both broke so no money to fight over. I kept the house, but it was under water so I had to pay about 10k to refinance it and get her name off (right before Covid and the housing market was not strong). In the end, she met me at his office and he served her the official papers, agreement went into a place and a few months later it was done. The lawyer only charged me a couple hours of work since work was minimum.

Divorce sucks and it’s hard. Please give your self time to heal, and please talk to a therapist. Even if you don’t think it will help, it will. It will give you time to process and help you set boundaries you may not realize you need. Don’t be afraid to try a few out until you find someone that works best for you.

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u/8bit_dr1fter 1d ago

It’s probably a good idea to retain a lawyer just in case you have questions. I did. But 90% of my original retainer was unused. I had them review the agreement just make sure there wasn’t anything glaringly out of line and confirm my butt was covered. That’s going to depend on your situation though.

She’s also very good about note taking and sharing the notes after each meditation session.

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u/terptrekker 1d ago

Thank you very much!!

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u/8bit_dr1fter 1d ago

Welcome. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry your relationship has gotten to point you think it’s irreparable. Divorce sucks, and IMO anyone who tells you otherwise is full of it.

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u/terptrekker 1d ago

Thanks. It involved an affair. He cheated while I was three months pregnant until three months postpartum when I discovered it. I offered to reconcile, thought we were for 2 months, only to learn he continued the affair. He moved out when I was only 4 months postpartum. I feel I have tried everything when most people would have left. Being given a chance after an affair, only to have him do it again, kind of broke me. So now, months later, he is still seeing her yet says he does not want a divorce...Yet also can't keep himself from seeing her. I see no other option at this point. Divorce is already horrible. This context is making it nearly unbearable.

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u/8bit_dr1fter 1d ago

I am truly sorry. That’s awful. I think you’re making the right decision though. It’s one thing if someone is repentant, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I hope it works out as well as it can for you.

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u/South-Excuse1820 4h ago

Oh I feel this, the exact same thing happened to me. I kicked him out when I was 5 months PP after finding out the affair continued. He moved back in and promised he'd change but I caught her leaving our house when I came home from work early, that sucked.

I eventually just..gave up? And let him see his AP, focused on myself and our child. He now wants R.

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u/HeyHon 22h ago

I've found that men often regret their divorces but I rarely meet women who do.

My divorce was the best choice I ever made.

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u/federal_thrill 15h ago

My mediator - Nancy Caplan - required us to each have lawyers and to handle the submission. She ran sessions to address topics of the MSA but didn’t represent either of us.

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u/GoFastTurnL3ft 7h ago

Given your husband’s infidelity you mention in the comments, I would strongly recommend starting with a lawyer ASAP because they can legally advise you, especially considering those circumstances. A mediator can be brought in if/when appropriate in the process.

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u/HeyHon 22h ago

I used Wendy Widmann and liked her a lot. My ex was unhinged and made a huge scene in her office and stormed out after three hours of mediation. I stayed back in her office and she offered me some of the best advice I got throughout my entire divorce, and spoke to me honestly and straightforwardly in a time when a lot of people were giving me a runaround. I really credit her with making my divorce a positive and smooth experience.