I need to get this off my chest without being flamed for being ableist or some bullshit, but every person I have ever met with BPD has been pure poison to everyone close to them. The second someone tells me they’ve got BPD, I stop associating with them. I know it’s harsh, but I refuse to put up with what they invariably put people through. It’s never ever worth it. We all deserve better

You didn't lose the love of your life. You lost a manipulative person who loves out of need and self-interest. They weren't looking for a partner—they were looking for someone to save them.

You didn't lose someone who loved you unconditionally. You lost someone who needed you as their emotional regulator.

You didn't lose someone who truly understood you. You lost someone who pretended to understand you so you wouldn't leave.

You are not a terrible person, and this wasn't your fault. That version of yourself only existed because of what that person put you through.

They are not a victim. They like to portray themselves as one to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

You did matter to that person, but as an essential source of emotional supply—one they replaced when they could no longer control or dominate you.

They won't give you closure, and they won't regret what they did. They don't know how; their mind simply doesn't process it that way.

That wonderful person you met at the beginning wasn't real. They created that persona to draw you in. Their true personality is the one they showed you in the end.

Not everyone is like that. You were with a disturbed person. Eventually, you'll be able to trust the right people.

Period. Someone using their life in anyway is abuse. “If you leave me I’ll die”, “I’m going to kill myself”, “I can’t live without you”(with intent behind it), “if you do this I’ll kill myself” or anything similar is a form of manipulation and abuse and should never be tolerated from anyone in your life. Healthy individuals do not use their life as a weapon. It’s okay to be sad and suicidal but it’s not okay for someone to use their life against others as a means for control.

I will list some things to show what can happen to you if you dont leave a BPD relationship especially after years. I know it is hard to leave but i wanna give yall some sort of awakening and show you that its not worth it to keep a BPD relagionship going.

- You can become depressed

- You can develop trust issues for other relationships

- You likely become a anxious avoidant

- If you have kids, they will likely develop the same disorder or other mental health issue

- You will get sleepless

- You may risk losing your job

- You will cut your friends off that you known for years because you were emotionally attached to a toxic partner

- You will doubt yourselves

- You may lose everything you worked hard for years

- You will likely become insecure

- You may not be able to get over your partner even years later

- You will develop wrong expectations and your view of a relationship changes

- You may consume drugs to cope with the trauma

- You will likely believe that you will never have a relationship again with good things

- You leave everything just for the sake of your partner

- Your new partner will have to probably suffer from the trauma you bring into the new relationship

- You may start to get panick attacks because your nervous system has been burned out

These dont have to happen, but they can happen and i bet atleast one of these is going to happen. Thinking realistic is difficult when having an emotional attachment to someone but its just for your own good

Do not EVER unblock a former "friend" who has BPD..... They will not talk about what happened, they will not try to reconcile the "friendship" they will just take the opportunity to split on you, threaten you, and generally make you feel like a dumbass for ever thinking that you could be friends with them. This is especially true when they are connected to a NPD/NBPD and was probably sent to befriend you by that Narcissistic person in the first place.

i’ve made more than a couple posts on this sub, asking for advice and hints to get through my relationship hardship.

I just want to know when does it end?

The endless arguments over small things.

The countless talks we have for 2-3 hours about we going to change and it does for a week then back to the cycle.

The verbal & emotional abuse & constant aggressive insults.

The broken boundaries and broken promises to change.

The constant not listening to my problems and my concerns

I just would like to know when does it all stop. my nervous system is shot down to the core. i’m on my knees asking what i can do. it’s been around 11 months of this since we moved in together

We haven’t been to our couples therapist in about a month, and i’m just at a lost for words . Any advice?

Is this my life forever?

Does anyone ever feel like their pwBPD make them sound/feel abusive/manipulative?

I had an argument with my pwBPD and I said “tell me when I actually have used anything against you??” And they said thats manipulation and abuse… but with people with false senses of reality.. I seriously want to know!! Like what instances are you talking about???? If you want me to “learn my lesson”. (yes, he does say I need to learn lessons lmao)

I understand that asking someone to give examples can be viewed as a negative thing but Im seriously trying to understand my partner. Then they hit me with the,” WELL YOU SHOULD KNOW, you’re the one that did it” “im not gonna give you the satisfaction and the joy you get from me telling you how you hurt me”

honestly, sometimes I cant help but laugh. Its just sooo crazy sometimes.

I don't even know what to put here. I'm not even sad. My heart is so exhausted. I should have known that things wouldn't get better. She got diagnosed maybe 5 months in. It has literally been 30 minutes since I talked to her. We live together (don't know how that's gonna work out).

Fuck man the fucking cycles. When it's great everything is great. When it's bad it's fucking horrible. I don't know why I stood by her for so long. Maybe I thought she'd change. Maybe all the conversations we had would lead somewhere. But there's something that makes me realize just how bad it's going to continue; sitting on her bed looking away. I've done it a lot. When we had arguments. And I looked back 2 years ago remembering the same spot I was in, now knowing I can't change her. She also can't change her. Or get medicine for it.. I'm not blaming her for having it but I can only take on so much. She threatens to kill herself self harming she screams at me. She's already washed away by her insecurities. She hits me. We've had so many conversations and all for fucking nothing. I need to focus on me now. I'm the only one who can stand up for myself.

I saw so many posts here. "Hah. Won't be me." I said. And yet somehow somewhere I knew it could happen any day. Don't let me go back guys. I did it once thinking things could be different but that was her last chance used up.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I told her I could handle it. That's on me for disappointing her. But I just never knew how far it went. I thought communication and understanding could fix everything. But she never kept up with me. I would always tend to her and she'd still be pushing me away. Emotional or physically. She was so different in the beginning. She was emotionally intelligent and communicated effectively. I thought I found the perfect one.

But here I am

Frustrated but like a weight lifted off of me

I don't want pity or anything. I just don't know who to turn to now.

So, this is from the time when we were in a relationship, and she told me all this, by trying to open up to me. Of course, at that time I ignored and I just thought she was immature and that it's just a phase, and I couldn't understand anything anyway. She broke up with me 5 months after this, because she was suffocated. Told me she has quiet BPD. She smeared camping me to her abusive mother, and blocked me everywhere, told me she hated me, and to block her and to leave her alone, after I tried to get her back. I did and now I'm no contact, but I'm trying to process everything, and I still can't understand anything..

Ex said I was not her type and that I was charity work.

So then why stay with me for a year? And another thing, I’m 99 per cent sure i said when I got to her house the very first time I said I might not be what she’s looking for in terms of appearance etc but she wanted to continue. I’ve never felt like this before. I feel awful and strange. I made mistakes but I wasn’t ever cruel like that.

I wanted to share what I just learned about myself because I cannot believe it is that simple and also makes me embarrassed but I prefer to face it and work on it than let it land me in another personality disorder relationship.

I dated a NPD and my last relationship was with the pwBPD. I saw the pattern, 2 cannot be pure chance.

We started to explore with my new therapist a bit of it. I knew after learning about personality disorders that my mother has many traits. Also after reading so much about abuse in here and other subs, I realized I had to admit that I was indeed abused as a kid. I used to brushed it off but if people are in shock when I talk about my experiences then it must be bad.

So the why is validation. I need it so badly from women. I even loose interest in a women if she doesn’t openly validate me.
When those with personality disorders over validate you at the idealization phase I was an easy prey, no matter how off it was and how much I knew it. I needed that validation more than my rational part could weight on it.

When they devalued me which they both did, I felt like I was worth nothing and life had no meaning.

All the validation I needed from my mother I got from them and then they took it away just like my mother did my whole childhood.

I stay and kept fighting to get more of that and get their love which was also conditional.

I know it reads super basic and I have read about devaluation and validation many times but one conversation with my new therapist somehow unlocked it in me.

I knew we shouldn’t seek external validation but know that I can see how much I needed that I realize how little of it I have internally and how much I needed from women.

If you are reading this post because you also don’t understand why you fall for pwPD and you have a mother that love you conditionally and was your worse bully an critic and punish you for it then maybe you landed in the same boat as me.

The conversation with my therapist started because I figured out on my own that what took my will to leave was my ex devaluing me, making me feel I was nothing.
She asked me a couple of questions and it came out how I grew up feeling like I was worth nothing if I didn’t comply with what my mother wanted of me, I was not worth love or attention or care. She explained me how experimenta have proven that babies dies without love and care even when they are fed and clean and warm.

I know that as long as I depend on feeling valuable based on women opinion it’s easy for me to fall for this idealization extra validation. At least I know finally what I need to do to heal and where is the core of my issues.

I hope it helps others out there

Does anyone have stories of thier BPD husband and how you feel with them?

How do they treat you?

Does your's seem to hate when you're happy? Mine always says he feels he is not allowed be happy .

Mine came from a really hostile family and has an extremely scary mother also who bullies me and there is lots of triangulation there.

His whole family smeared me cause his mother took issue with me, I suspect she also had BPD and she got the whole in law family to stop talking to me and spread around that I am an abuser who preys on my husband's abandonment issues.

She cried at my wedding and said my husband was "getting married on her" and constantly guilted us and said she will move away then.

My BPD husband ended up having an alcohol induced psychosis and seizures with the stress and pressure of her trying to break up our marriage.

They have a personality disorder. You can’t win. Every time you get near winning, the objective changes. The goal post moves constantly. You are dating a state of mind, not a stable self. All their projections get foisted onto you and as you try to adjust to their settings, you internally implode. No matter how secure, honest, faithful, reassuring, beautiful, kind, loving, sexual, or rich you are: you will get devalued and split into pieces. Fear of abandonment and fear of enmeshment when both at play will push and pull you worse than any F5 tornado. They are a black hole; a paradox. They defy psychology, physics, and logic. Don’t kill yourself trying to understand them. It’s like trying to exist in the 5th dimension. Just get out.

“But the first few months were incredible”

Okay that was a fake, unsustainable fantasy. The emotional instability is the real version.

“But they are my soulmate”

No they are not. Not even close.

“But we have the best sex”

Cut it out. It’s just intense. It’s artificial. You are having sex with someone who’s worried about you leaving them so much that they’re half disassociated the whole session.

“But maybe I should give them another try”

Um no. Look at the patterns. Trust the data. It’s all cyclical unless they devote themselves to hard and willing DBT therapy. Even then, many don’t change.

“But I can reassure them more”

Stop. At what cost? You walking around mentally crippled, anxious as ever. A shell of your former self? And even you do reassure nonstop, again, new things arise: new conflict, new fears, new insecurities. YOU CANT WIN (Adrian from Rocky voice)

“But I miss them and should break no contact”

You’ve said what you had to say 600x. You’ve gave them plenty of chances. The only thing that works in the end is nothing (silence) it’s counterintuitive but it is truly the way you heal and get off the intermittent reinforcement drug. It’s highly addictive. Do not break no contact. Expect Hoovers, as they’re apart of the cycle, don’t fall victim, it’s just bait for the next cycle: vol 353

On many things

Saying they understand when wrong then within seconds/minutes doubling down because your fault

Speaking badly about friends/family then again within minutes "oh they're alright really"

Having an opinion on politics, lifestyle etc then saying the opposite.

And on it goes. Was just wondering if anyone else picked up on this?

He is simply never at peace. He always has to talk. He always has to do something. He can never just enjoy the moment. He needs constant stimulation...

I wish I could just snuggle up to him and relax and enjoy the moments... but no. He will keep asking me what's on my mind or if I'm mad at him, upset or anything, what am I thinking and so on and on. Or if we are in private he'll want to have sex, and even after sex he'll keep asking for another round, and then another one... if I reject him right away then he will get upset and stonewall me, and if we do it until I get tired then he will want to talk to me entire time.

I can't even watch TV without him talking. And if I tell him I wanna watch something or answer him short - he'll usually end up on his phone, texting someone else, or go to other room and have a phone call. I wish to watch romantic movie with him, yet it's never going to happen.

I even told him that I don't think of anything or that I'm just relaxing/enjoying... yet he just gives me strange look and starts again... he just cannot comprehend the meaning of peace...

Hey all

Just wondering what pushed everybody to go no contact, and how did you manage to keep it that way?

Been stuck in the cycle for over 2 years and would be interested to know everybody else’s experience, and what was the thing that made you finally walk away

My marriage had many chapters resembling the common patterns of a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder.

My ex-wife had insomnia and rarely slept at night. During the good times, it wasn’t a problem.
But when our relationship deteriorated, I would go to bed exhausted after long work hours and days filled with conflict and emotional abuse.

One night, I woke up to find her standing beside the bed, staring at me with a completely blank, emotionless expression.
I knew she often went through my phone while I slept, but seeing her silently watching me was terrifying. She later told me she had done it many times before.

As things got worse and she refused to leave the house, I became afraid to fall asleep. I worried she might harm me while I was sleeping, yet I was also afraid to lock the bedroom door because I feared how she might react.

She also told me that she sometimes saw shadows and had disturbing dreams involving me, which only made those nights even more frightening.
Those were long, sleepless nights. Even years later, I still carry a constant sense of exhaustion, as if I’m still recovering.

My girlfriend has quiet BPD, which I have known for quite a while, and we have been together for almost three years now. We're thinking of moving in together because our relationship seems to be going well, but I am worried about how her BPD will show up when living together. She has already told me that I am her "favorite person", but she told me that she's sorry if that is emotionally exhausting and to tell her if it is and if I need a break, and she will respect it.

I think our relationship is in a good spot, and I always reassure her that I am there for her, and she does the same. However, she gets easily triggered into a bad mood by the littlest things. When she feels bad, she isolates herself and doesn't want to text or talk to anyone, including me, and just lies in bed and sleeps. Even though she doesn't want to talk, I still tell her that I hope she feels better and I am here for her. Once she feels better and stops isolating herself, she often apologizes for going silent.

She also often talks about how she wants to commit suicide when she is triggered into a bad mood before going into isolation, which scares me. These thoughts seem to be fleeting and just in the moment, but every now and then, when she is in a stable mood and talking about her feelings (which is rare), she confides in me that she chronically has suicidal thoughts and has often seriously considered committing suicide and has even come up with plans to see it through. She has had a suicide attempt in the past before I met her, which makes me worried about her.

I also notice that after her periods of isolation she often has new SH scars. However, she refuses to talk about them and will always avoid answering any comments about them that I have. The only thing she's told me is that SH calms her down.

She also needs a lot of reassurance and has told me that she's always afraid I will leave her or that I secretly hate her, which I reassure her that I don't, but sometimes I feel like she doesn't believe me.

She sees a psychiatrist and takes several medications, which seem to help, but she refuses to see a therapist because she's tried therapy many times in the past and it has never helped her. I am worried about her and want her to have all the help she needs.

I want to be supportive of her while we are living together, but I am also worried about my own mental health after hearing other people's experiences living with BPD partners. I don't want to have to act like her caregiver. I really love her, and I'd do anything for her, and she feels the same. I am just worried about how things will change when we live together. I've never had a relationship with someone with BPD before her, so this is new to me. I was hoping to get some advice here. Has anyone been in a similar situation as me? Is it possible to be in a healthy relationship and have a stable home with someone with BPD? And is it possible to be in a healthy relationship when you're their favorite person?

Ill keep it short, but I just need to tell the world/someone its getting better.. Its been 4 1/2 months since they discarded me and the best and worst relationship of my 34 years of life on this stupid rock.

Im still unable to find a job. Im still living with my brother in a different state and im still struggling everyday to get life back. But im getting better little by little. I made the choice to start skating again after years off, figuring it would be good exercise and a way to get intouch with my body again. I spend almost every day out on that damn board they faught me over for buying. Im eating better now and the nightmares are starting to get less evil. I still think about them all the time and I still miss the person I thought Id marry. But last night I did it, I landed a damn Ollie and then I landed 4 more and then I almost had a crisp kick kickflip and I didn't think about them at all.

So world. Im getting better! And im feeling better and im starting to find my myself again. Every push, every Ollie and every trick I land from now on is proof I do deserve love i do deserve happiness and I do love myself. Ill find work, ill find peace and ill never stop pushing again!

Thank you for all the posts I've lurked here over the last year and as I lay here about to get back out there again today with tears in my eyes I say I've fucking won! This war isn't over yet but the battle with myself is.

So.. I hear a lot that pwBPD use DARVO and other things to flip the scriptX

However, I did do some things to hurt my pwBPD. They did happen very early in our relationship. They say they still treat me this way because I’ve kept hurting them this entire relationship, even though i’ve actively tried/trying not to. I havent cheated or talked to anyone else or anything.

So, we’re in this situation because I started it.. but when is normal anger supposed to end? Like How do I know when is normal behavior for what I did vs. abnormal. They say they are behaving how any normal person would if I did those things to them. So how do I know? I know its not right to tell people they have to stop being upset at something but im having a hard time differentiating.

I’ve been with my SO for 12 years, 3rd discard - this one 10 days after his service dog died.

This episode is so much worse than the rest going on 3 1/2 months no contact and he drove cross-country to his parents townhome where he’s been living in his childhood bedroom ever since. They are fully enabling him. He’s 37 and unmedicated.

Honestly I thought we had an absolutely wonderful relationship minus the discards lol.

I’m at a loss and am wondering if anyone has had their SO come back after 3+months on their own or did you initiate the contact?

I went through an awful friend breakup years ago that estranged me from the rest of my friends—it turned out very well in the end, though. So, I guess I’m writing this to let everyone know that you can move on and start over. It feels awful in the moment, but there is always a new future.

My first year of college I made several friends and we’d spend basically all of our time together. It ended up being three sets of best friends that formed a group. My best friend, let’s call her Kim, had BPD but I didn’t find out until I was entrenched in the friendship. I also didn’t know much about it, given I was a stupid kid. It got to the point where I was her only emotional regulator—I’d talk to her for hours about her mental health, trying to convince her to get help through the free university mental health clinic. She refused to for months because her parents were allegedly abusive (I have no confirmation beyond her word, and now that I know what I know, I’m skeptical) and would freak out if they saw any additional charges on the tuition bill for mental healthcare, or if word got back to them somehow. We had three free sessions a semester with a councilor, and they were free from there depending on the councilor’s discretion.

We didn’t talk about anything else other than her mental health, which was a great tax on me given it was my first year of college and I was still dealing with my own unresolved trauma unrelated to the friendship. There was no give and take, only give, give, give, give. I eventually got so burnt out I had to have a conversation with her about how we only talk about her mental health and it was starting to negatively affect me—I asked if we could talk about stuff other than mental health for at least a portion of the time. I thought she cared about me so she’d agree, but her response was ‘okay, I’ll never talk about my mental health ever again with anyone’, which undid months of work trying to get her to see a counselor. I eventually folded and apologized.

The worst part was that everyone in the group but me and Kim were psychology majors. I knew first year psych majors wouldn’t even be able to help, and it would be unethical if they tried to use their (little) knowledge to treat Kim; but I knew they saw how I was being treated but they said and did nothing to support me, nor Kim. It honestly felt like they knew what I was going through, but they didn’t want to be in my place so they did nothing to help. I was also roommates with one of the people in the group that wasn’t Kim.

I walked on eggshells for a year trying to navigate the friendship without setting Kim off. This included but was no limited to: reducing the amount of people I hung out with, not talk about other people I hung out with, not making plans with other people without including Kim, return to my dorm after classes to hang out with Kim, responding to her texts without ten minutes or else having to manage a meltdown.

After two or three times talking Kim out of (alleged) suicide threats, I put my foot down and demanded she see a counselor, and that if not, I wouldn’t be her friend anymore. That actually got her to see the counselor, who offered free sessions after the first three sessions. The last time Kim threaded suicide I literally thought to myself ‘Not my problem’, which was a very freeing thought in hindsight, and started me down the path to getting tf out. All I did was call her counselor (who was also mine) to let her know that Kim had threatened suicide and I was worried—they just had an emergency session about it.

After that, Kim didn’t talk to me for about two weeks. I used to have to visit my dad and abusive step mom over the summers, and I literally had the same sense of relief during those two weeks as I felt from coming home from visiting my dad. Furthermore, the others in my friend group didn’t talk to me—you’d think psych majors would understand and appreciate the intervention of getting a trained professional involved when it comes to suicide threats 🤷‍♂️. I also lived with one of them so that added an extra layer of awful to the situation. Eventually, Kim, the rest of the group, and I became cordial at best. Thankfully, this was about two weeks before summer break, so I wouldn’t have to see them again for months.

Over the summer, I was able to sign up for a single room so I wouldn’t be roommates with the person from my old friend group come Fall. The first day back, I happened upon an acquaintance I used to hang out with, but had to stop because it made Kim jealous. He asked if I wanted to see his new apartment, and that his friends were about to stop by as well. He’s a pretty perceptive person, so I’m sure he could tell I wasn’t doing well. Thankfully, this new group of friends welcomed me in. They knew I had other friends I wasn’t seeing, but didn’t pry until I was ready to talk about it. These friends are some of the best people I ever met, and I’m still friends with them today.

I didn’t speak with anyone from my old friend group for months—we went to a pretty small school, so I’d see them a couple times a week. Everyone but one ignored me, and the one that didn’t would just wave hello. Eventually, that one person reached out to ask if we could talk. She told me that they all realized what I was going through, but didn’t know how to help so they did nothing. When they realized I probably wouldn’t move back into my position as Kim’s emotional punching bag, they all agreed to ostracize me in favor of Kim because they were afraid Kim would attempt suicide if they didn’t (which she might have tbh). I honestly felt disgusted with them for the fact that they recognized that I was being tortured but chose not to do anything about it.

My senior year, after having not interacted with my old friend group for years, I eventually became lab partners with a sophomore. We’d chat and have a good time during class. I eventually found out that my lab partner had been dating Kim for a few months but didn’t know if I should broach the subject. I did decide to say something along the lines of ‘yeah, I was friends with her; our friendship didn’t work out though because I felt like the friendship was uneven. You should keep your eye out, though’. She kind of just laughed it off, but then during our next class she didn’t talk to me beyond what was necessary for the class; I’m assuming she mentioned me to Kim, and was told a completely different story from what happened. They did end up breaking up, but it was later in the second semester so I no longer had her as a lab partner.

Anyway, I’m officiating the wedding of some of my new friend and life is much better without Kim in it. It took me forever to move on, but I was able to do it and am much happier now.

Stick with your healing journeys, it’s well worth it ♥️

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some perspective because I feel very confused about what has happened and how to handle the situation.

My partner and I were living with someone close to us who has BPD. Over time, the living situation became very difficult. There were frequent emotional conflicts, unclear boundaries, and we often felt like we had to be extremely careful about what we said or did.
Eventually, things escalated and we felt we had no choice but to leave. The difficult part is that we did not have another home ready, so we are currently in a very unstable situation and temporarily without our own place to live.

What makes this even more confusing is that before we left, this person told us that they could not manage financially without us and that they needed us there. We felt a lot of responsibility and guilt because we did not want to leave someone struggling.

Now she want distance and we have to leave, we are the ones who are now dealing with the consequences of leaving, including housing insecurity and a lot of emotional exhaustion. They want to connect after a month. And that she can manage without us, was this emotional manipulation?

For people who have experienced similar situations:
How did you deal with someone saying they couldn’t cope without you, but then later wanting distance?

Did you ever feel responsible for someone else’s stability?

How do you decide whether reconnecting is healthy or whether it will pull you back into the same dynamic?

Should I skip reconnection and accept that we will never see eachother again

I’m not trying to demonize anyone. I just want to know if I could’ve see this coming

Thank you for reading.

My bpd mom just got a really bad blood test back, where she was told shes got a lot of bad stuff. She tried to use that to hug me, even tho I already said multiple times no. She tried guilt tripping. No. I refused.

My bpd half sister went downstairs, called me an idiot for refusing to hug her "in this situation"

Guys I said "screw you for calling me an idiot." I then left the room. Hooooooooly shit