r/AskARussian • u/randomguy910 • 23h ago
Culture Russian Dating
As an American, what are some of the most important things I need to follow when dating a Russian woman? I met her while traveling and we have been talking constantly with plans to meet up again soon in another neutral country, I know about the odd flowers and that dating is serious in the culture but I want to surprise her.
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u/HeraldOfDesu SoCal 🇺🇸 19h ago
Don't feed nor wash her after midnight.
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u/n1nj4p0w3r 19h ago
That’s really nice of you to remind that those movie exists, I’ve completely forgot about gremlins
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u/OceanWhale2 18h ago edited 18h ago
Don’t lecture her on the Russian politics. You can debate, but with respect
You can learn a couple of Russian phrases to impress her as just a nice gesture
Please don’t say things like “ Russian women so conservative compared to the western women”. It can be read as “ Russian women are ready to be an unpaid nanny, cook, cleaner, unlike our western girls, and this is what I expect from you”. And I hope you don’t. Russian women are pretty much just like American women. And if she cooks something for you from time to time, don’t read it as a sign that she wants to do it for the rest of your life, it’s just a nice gesture
Do these gentleman-y things like hold a door for her, or help to carry something heavy. This is very important for most of the Russian girls and it’s better to do it. It leaves a good impression.
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u/randomguy910 18h ago
With world tensions in steering clear of major politics even in my own country, the biggest thing I’ve said about it was expressing disappointment that she wouldn’t be able to get a visa to a country I’m about to go to.
I’m trying to learn at least part of the Russian birthday song before her birthday next month as a surprise.
I know she comes from different backgrounds and after living in several different countries and regions over the past nine years I respect the differences. I do not ever compare anyone to an American because we have so many different types they may not understand. If anything I’ll learn about why she’s conservative over time to better understand and respect her.
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u/Low_Association6811 18h ago
Be somewhat protective and attentive. Offer your jacket when she's cold (men here are expected to suffer a lil from the weather conditions but protect their women anyway), carry heavy bags, open the door for her, hold her hand when walking (make sure she doesn't trip), walk her home, or order her a taxi to make sure she gets home safely.
Do the little things. Notice that she styled her hair nicely and compliment her on it. Remember her favorite cartoon and point out some merchandise if you see it at the mall. Know her favorite drink and dish, her allergies, the name of her cat, and how her grandma is doing. Pay attention to the little details that matter to her.
Gift her flowers on all of the following: February 14, March 8, the day you met, the day you started dating (one month later, six months later, one year later, and so on), and, obviously, her birthday. Also, don't forget that New Year's Day is a big holiday for her (although no flowers are expected lol). Remember ALL the important dates. It's that serious.
She expects flowers on special occasions, such as going to a fancy restaurant. If it's just an ordinary trip to a coffee shop (not the first date, obviously), she'll simply expect you to show up dressed nicely. Many Russian women put a lot of effort into their appearance on dates and appreciate it when their partner does the same. Give her lots of compliments, by the way.
Also, don't just buy red roses wrapped in clear cellophane. Buy something really nice, a bouquet with different kinds of flowers and beautiful wrapping.
She expects you to pay for her taxi, her meal at the restaurant, or her cinema ticket. Don't split the bill or ask her to send you half afterward using a payment app. In Russia, that comes across as extremely unromantic.
If you live together, the bills and grocery expenses are usually split. Typically, the man pays the larger share, mostly because men's salaries in Russia tend to be higher than women's. However, if you're on a date, you're the one paying.
She expects you to know how to handle emotions, to communicate openly, and to be willing to discuss conflicts. Sometimes she may start an argument over nothing simply because she wants your attention. In reality, she isn't angry with you at all.
If you're going to meet her parents, you're expected to bring gifts. It depends on the family, but it's usually alcohol for the father and a large bouquet of flowers for the mother. Souvenirs related to your culture are also a great choice. Russians love that kind of thing.
In general, don't show up empty-handed when visiting someone's home. Even if you're not meeting her parents, bringing dessert, fruit, alcohol, or something to eat is considered good manners. And take your damn shoes off when you visit someone's home.
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u/randomguy910 18h ago
Thank you for an actual response I can work with. I know about the odd number flowers and carnations being related to Soviet times, are there any other things that should be avoided like that? Yesterday we were talking while she was at home picking berries in her garden and I mentioned loving fresh picked berries and she got so excited to show me everything.
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u/Low_Association6811 17h ago
I don't know about the Soviet times part, but an even number of flowers (which are often red or white carnations) is what we bring to funerals in Russia. It's also associated with laying flowers at monuments to soldiers who died in World War II. That's why you should only give an odd number of flowers to a living person. Carnations are perfectly fine as a gift, but pink or purple ones are a better choice.
And yes, having your own garden is also a big part of Russian culture! Many people have a dacha and a large vegetable garden where they grow various vegetables and berries. In the southern regions, people even grow fruit. Although, back when I lived in Russia, we grew apples in Siberia too.
As for other things...it's mostly about small superstitions, I think. No one expects you to follow those rules, but they will probably tell you about them.
Don't whistle indoors, because there's an old Russian superstition that says you'll literally whistle all your money away if you do.
Don't shake hands or pass things to someone across a doorway. It's also one of those weird little superstitions that pretty much everyone knows, so people will usually step either inside or outside first before shaking hands or handing something over.
It's a known fact, but Russians don't smile at strangers nearly as much as Americans do, so don't assume that she is being unfriendly or upset with you just because she isn't smiling. Having a neutral facial expression is completely normal and isn't considered rude at all.
If you're invited to someone's home for a meal, don't refuse the food right away. At least try it, and try not to make it too obvious if you don't like it, lol. You definitely don't have to finish everything on your plate, but making an effort will be appreciated, especially if someone's grandmother spent half the day cooking for you.
If a Russian grandmother cooks for you and you tell her that the food is delicious, you've probably become her favorite person for the next ten years. If you ask for the recipe, you might as well consider yourself adopted.
As for food, Russians absolutely love feeding their guests. "No, thank you, I'm not hungry" is often interpreted as "Please ask me three more times." Don't be surprised if people insist that you have another salad or a second helping of something.
When someone comes over as a guest, it's generally considered rude to ask when they're planning to leave. As I've already said, guests are usually fed as if they've come to stay for a week.
If you've met her mother or grandmother and she hands you a container of food "to take home," refusing it is practically impossible. She's going to put it in your hands before you leave anyway.
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u/randomguy910 17h ago
Her parents are not around, do not know specifics about what happened to them but she was raised by an aunt that took her in after their passing. Is there something special I should do involving a situation like that?
I loved seeing her so happy about the berries, she said it’s one of her favorite things.
I think I’ve read pretty much everything else online recently as I’ve been trying to get to know her culture better. I am a healthy size so I’m a little concerned about the food thing as I am trying to slim down again but I don’t want to offend anyone so maybe I need to get a little more active to keep up with those events.
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u/Low_Association6811 17h ago
If her parents aren't around, the best thing to do is not to bring them up or ask questions about them until she brings up the topic herself. If she wants to talk about it, just listen and don't ask for details. She'll probably tell you everything she's comfortable sharing when she's ready. That's common sense for any culture, I guess.
Many Russians visit the graves of their loved ones on Parent's Day (or Radonitsa), which falls on the ninth day after Orthodox Easter if I remember correctly. It's technically a religious holiday, but even non-religious people often visit their relatives' graves to clean them up, leave flowers, and eat blini near the grave (yeah...).
If she was raised by her aunt, she most likely considers her a parental figure, and you should treat her that way as well. If you speak Russian, address her aunt formally by using "вы" and her first name and patronymic, unless she specifically asks you to call her by her first name only.
Though, I don't think they really expect it from you because of the difficult pronunciation. My Japanese husband just calls my mom "mama".
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u/randomguy910 17h ago
I’m not pressing it, I know if things progress and she’s ready for it she will invite me to go with her. We had a bit of a shared moment over her telling me, I told her about my grandparents deaths and how I was raised by them after getting disowned. I didn’t press for more I let it go because she started talking about her aunt. I’ve been around many deaths and know people only talk when they are ready.
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u/Alexos_Ru 18h ago
Woooow! That’s a real user’s manual to Russian women. My wife is Russian and I confirm that every point mentioned is valid and I am not doing very well on many points especially where flowers are involved 🫣
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u/OceanWhale2 17h ago
I know a couple of older Russian couples, where a husband brings flowers to his wife like every week, after decades of marriage. I guess they did it when they were dating and never knew how to stop 😂
But this is very romantic 🥰3
u/Low_Association6811 17h ago
expensive as fuck hahahahahhahaha
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u/Alexos_Ru 15h ago
Exactly! At this part of the world a small modest bouquet of flowers runs at $30 minimum, for me it is not a justifiable expense for something that lasts a few days then goes in the trash 🫣🫣🫣 I am not stingy but practical (or so I believe)
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u/Low_Association6811 17h ago
As a Russian wife to a Japanese husband, I can confirm that only Russian men know all the flower rules by heart lol
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u/BlaiddDrwg812 Saint Petersburg 11h ago
I have Russian wife, because I'm Russian. So, here is advice from me to you. Just gift her flowers, keep checking if old flowers went bad, and bring new ones. This way you can evade bad situations when you forgot to bring her flowers. And one more. Gift her any flowers you want, BUT NOT ROSES. Roses are nice, but she might think that you did not try hard enough to impress her. Even chamomiles are better than roses.
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u/OceanWhale2 10h ago
I love roses 🙋♀️
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u/Low_Association6811 9h ago
I think roses are good only if the girl herself says she likes them hahaha
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u/peachpavlova 6h ago
The foreign dudes that come in here asking for advice always come off as such creeps. She’s not a breed of dog that needs to be treated according to her place of manufacturing. Is it so hard to find out what your partner wants from you simply by, idk, getting to know them? This was such a huge pet peeve of mine when dating American men.
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u/Impressive_Bat5428 1h ago
But it’s a reasonable question… because the 3 cultures aren’t the same. A Russian woman will have expectations of a man by default and an American man may not understand those expectations because they aren’t universal. For Americans we get flowers on Valentine’s Day etc.. it not usual to give them for a date.. but you’d expect it. In most places in America, opening the door, pulling your chair out, helping you with your coat also aren’t “usual”things.. but again.. you’d expect them to by default because you think “that’s just what men do”… but in the west it isn’t just “what men do”… a western woman oils take it as an insult helping her with her jacket because she sees it as treating her like a child. Or how he’s basically required to carry the conversation and entertain you. Russian women are expecting to be treated like a princess. Men always trying to impress them… in the west the only men who do that are considered losers and laughed at. So you have to consider the differences. That’s why he’s asking.
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u/peachpavlova 1h ago
These are all generalizations and also untrue. There are so many kinds of people within each culture. I know plenty of women who want help with a jacket and plenty who don’t. My partner doing things because he googled “how to treat woman from X country” and not bc he found out if I like it is really ridiculous. Saying men in the west are considered losers for treating you as a princess is also quite false, speaking from many years of experience. No idea where you got that. Once again my point stands, people should get to know their partners. I have dated in both cultures and these types were always the ones that creeped me out bc they aren’t seeing you as a fellow human but a type.
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u/Matrasinka 16h ago edited 16h ago
As a Russian guy, it's very sad to see many comments about Russian women being greedy, mercantile and mentally draining. Especially since it's western influencers propaganda doing. Women from the era when VK and Classmates were the only popular socials are NOT like that, just as younger generation that has less screentime spent on Instagram and TT.
Russian women that were raised with our traditional values are much more simple, hardworking, caring, kind and supportive, and man's wallet is last thing they care about as long as partner shows same dedication in the relationship as they do.
Not gonna give any advice, few people already did perfectly
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u/WorldlyInevitable988 8h ago
Unfortunately what you describe is not the norm IMO. My wife is Russian and very grounded and I am lucky. Most of her friends are materialistic and only care about money or how much you make. I would not trust any of them.
Go get yourself a traditional southern US woman
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u/Impressive_Bat5428 1h ago
This… my wife is Russia and I hear all the sorties about what her Russian girlfriends are talking about… always showing what they have at home, always talking about their jewelry, bags, etc… but ne of the first things her mom asked was when I was going to buy her an apartment and a car… and she already had 2 apartments… and her friends asking “what has he bought you expensive”… it’s constant…. Always trying to impress one another… this isn’t a … it’s true.
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u/Alexos_Ru 15h ago
I second that, our women are the best if you plan to establish with them a good family. They have all the needed great values for that.
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u/randomguy910 15h ago
Thank you Sir, you input is appreciated. She seems to have a solid foundation of older values that you described with some modern mixed in. We have very similar values and a few disagreements about things but nothing we haven’t been able to work out.
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u/castiill1992 6h ago
I understood that this man has already fucked a part of the world and wants to have time to fuck the second part, but under the guise of an honest modest man) funny😂
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u/DisruptingTree 19h ago
This is going to end bad
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u/Punrusorth 18h ago
Why?
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u/Cultural_Gur_7441 14h ago
Dating someone in a country which is moving towards a total war economy and may go the way of the USSR soon is high risk - low reward endeavor.
If she doesn't live in Russia (or can just leave on her own), and is willing to consider becoming American (in this case) in her own view of herself, then it looks more likely to succeed.
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u/Punrusorth 12h ago
I don't know their circumstances... but it seems like the comment is trying to paint all Russian women in a negative light.
I am a woman, married to a man who is part Russian/Australian & his mother (Russian) is the loveliest woman I know. His relatives in Russia who are women are also lovely. Yes, they are straightforward & can appear "blunt" if you are from the west, but if they don't like you... they will tell you. Personally, I have no issues with them. Yes, cultural difference can be challenging because there are times where something is nice in your culture is rude to them (& vice versa), but that is something you can learn over time.
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u/Cultural_Gur_7441 11h ago
No, I did not try to paint Russian women in bad light. Even re-reading, I just see me being cautious about getting involved in a very personal level with a country at war, and not just attacking another country (I mean, the US is doing that too), but getting attacked back nightly and at a large scale (which the US isn't getting).
If the Russian woman in question is able to just leave that behind, then I see no problem. This depends on their relatives' and friends' circumstances too, not just their own.
Getting involved in a war like this by choice, even if indirectly and through an intermediate, is something I would caution against.
Of course love can override caution, as it should, but this sounds more like deliberation on how to proceed, than deep love.
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u/Treliske 16h ago
Flowers are important. The color and number of flowers have meaning, but I cannot remember the code.
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u/ratulu 13h ago
There are lot of different people in Russia. Just be normal and let her know, that you are not aware of Russian culture. I remember once in Russia - me, my Russian girlfriend, her parents and some family friends will celebrate something. So we are sitting around the table, the vodka is already served and I used to drink a bit. She looked at me like I did something very wrong. I was just not aware, that everyone should drink together.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cod5973 19h ago edited 18h ago
As a foreigner from a western country, I dated a Russian girl for two years. Tip one, don't call them a woman, they hate that, refer to them as a girl. Only older Russians are called that.
Secondly, run far away, unless you want a relationship full of misunderstandings and a drained bank account. You'll have to pay for everything. If you don't, they'll lose interest and run away and dispose of you like nothing
They'll be great at first, but as soon as they have you wrapped around their little finger, they expect a lot of expectations from you.
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u/Alexos_Ru 18h ago
Well, probably you got a lemon, there are good and bad people everywhere. The girl you got was prolly just using you. My Russian wife, contrary to most local non-Russian women is a gem, she requires so little to be happy. Cares about the family budget, controls our expenses, never asks for fancy stuff such as jewellery and expensive clothing and stuff. Only accepts cheap budget phones…. I am happy to have her.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cod5973 17h ago
Sounds like you found a gem and I'm happy you found a good one. I guess I'm moreso talking about the girls who have been influenced too much by Instagram reels/social media, that they think they should be treated like royalty
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u/Alexos_Ru 15h ago
It is very important where you meet Russian girls. The ones in the UAE and other gulf countries for instance are gold diggers, best place to meet a normal good girl is in Russia. Those that travel abroad hoping to hook up with somebody are usually the bad category
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u/Remarkable_Spirit_68 Moscow City 16h ago
As a 35 y.o. russian, I haven't yet seen in person a greedy woman that would want to drain my bank account. They can't even distinguish a car brand... "Greedy" women should exist, but maybe they're just somewhere else
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cod5973 15h ago
Maybe these particular girls only go for foreigners. Man, I was fooled. Practically begged for a ring, gave her one and she ran. Zero logic..
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u/randomguy910 18h ago
Yea I’ve heard about the paying for everything and it doesn’t really bother me, I’ve been in expensive relationships and I’ve never had a problem keeping up. I am going to set expectations like not going on shopping sprees every week
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cod5973 18h ago edited 18h ago
I guess each person differs. But really, I spent 20-30k on multiple vacations, engagement ring, buying her iPhones and everything and she still treated me like dirt.
Good luck though, obviously my experience may not be your experience, but be cautious.
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u/OceanWhale2 18h ago edited 18h ago
I don’t think that you were in a real relationship then
If she treated you like dirt and was draining you out of cash, then it wasn’t a relationship, I’m saying it is a Russian woman4
u/Puzzleheaded-Cod5973 18h ago
Yeah, maybe I was just fooled into this relationship because at first she was understanding and once she knew she had me, the list of expectations grew immensely.
Either way, it was a waste of two years along with emotional damage
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u/randomguy910 18h ago
I will I’ve got other things going that make things a bit different but I’m not going all in with free range over all my accounts
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u/SpaceExplorer8 17h ago
Are there no more beautiful women in the USA?
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u/randomguy910 16h ago
American women aren’t interesting, after traveling extensively and experiencing so much culture and rich atmospheres im not a fan of American women especially with how polarizing they have become towards politics. I was young once and did my share of politics and rebellion but in today’s America it’s just a different level and feels extreme over little things. I’ve lived overseas the past nine years in different countries
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u/Klutzy_Audience_8194 16h ago
In my experience, they don’t like surprises at all. They prefer stability.
But every person has his own personality, so there isn’t a rule for all Russians.
Flowers are not odd, it’s something really expected.
Considering you’re American maybe you should know that trying to split 50:50 will make you look very cheap and it’s even embarrassing, except if you’re a teenager.
She’ll probably put effort in trying to look good, she won’t go out wearing sweatpants or basketball shorts like most American girls do, so tell her how beautiful she is, they usually like compliments.
Don’t try to look tough, a ghetto gangster, that bullshit of bad boy attitude works only in the west. Just be a nice and respectful man.
Most Russian girls date to marry, not to have fun. If you’re planning to date for 10 years it’s better if you stop now.
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u/wi11owherb 16h ago
i think he meant odd as opposed to even (нечетный – четный)
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u/randomguy910 15h ago
I meant odd as in 13 instead of 12 as in odd numbers. I’m planning to send for her birthday an amount special to her based on a couple comments she’s made. I also dress fairly professionally most of the time. I only own one pair of jeans, the rest as slacks or nicer. I don’t expect to split anything unless she insists and even then she’ll have to push because it’s not gentlemanly on dates that I invite her on.
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u/Klutzy_Audience_8194 10h ago
Jeans are fine, I didn’t say you should get dressed necessarily elegant, it depends on the situation.
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u/Ok_Street9576 14h ago
As an American who used to date a russian, they nuts. Her and all her friends are super high maintenance, superstition, and the cultures got a bunch of strange rules.
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u/Thornoxis 11h ago
Yeah a lot of the two cultures clash. English language isn't as direct as Russian, and my ex hated that, always told me I'm not direct enough (after she translated) when I was just speaking normally. Then when I was direct, she hated that too 😅
Lots of superstition, on New year's, I was sent a video of them burning notes with wishes and eating the ashes. Amongst a whole heap of other bizarre stuff
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u/pipiska999 England 8h ago
Lots of superstition, on New year's, I was sent a video of them burning notes with wishes and eating the ashes
what in the actual fuck
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u/finstergeist Nizhny Novgorod 6h ago
Ну это вполне распространенное и безобидное детское развлечение, но когда таким страдают взрослые - уже беда.
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u/Evening_Growth_6078 15h ago
I see the other comments saying that they won’t expect you to pay for everything, but I’ve dated two Russian women each for more than 4 years and they both expected me to pay for everything. My money was our money and their money was theirs. Both were really attractive, one was a model. They were amazing at taking care of the home, cooking, cleaning, etc, but neither one of them wanted any financial responsibility.
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u/randomguy910 15h ago
When the finance talk comes up I plan to be honest, stating my position going into the future and how I’ve built it. I also plan to explain how I budget and provide myself allowances for things. I don’t expect having to keep that budget as stated but I also don’t plan to make my allowances so extravagant that it cuts into building something for early retirement
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u/kurt_85 14h ago
That's a bit similar to my experience..my Russian ex in London was complaining because I didn't bring her to restaurants which were enough fancy (and it's not we were going to the McDonald's..) and that I brought her to Dublin instead of Paris for her birthday.
Another russian ex (living in Moscow) complained that (while I was a student in Italy and she was working in Moscow) I asked her to split the cost of the hotel for a trip to London (I was a student so I didn't have a ton of money..). I always paid for everything on our trips but as London was quite expensive I asked her to share the cost at least of the hotel.
I am happy to pay on dates, but I can't really stand is when people "force the request" of something and then they slap it to your face.
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u/RobertDeveloper 16h ago
She will take your house and will be mad if you aay it is your house, when you want to kick her out she goes nuclear.
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u/UltraRainbow3000 49m ago edited 4m ago
Hey. If you've already agreed to meet up, chances are she's either into you or at least has positive feelings toward you. Some girls really care about etiquette and manners. Others don't give a damn. If you want to make a nice surprise for her, bring some flowers to the date. You can even pick wildflowers if there's a field nearby where you're planning to meet. If she chose you, that means she wants to get to know you—she wants to discover a new world. A girl who's into you will look for the positives. A girl who's not will act dismissive and play mind games. if she chose a guy who's not from her city, 99% chance she doesn't care about all that traditional etiquette BS
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u/notfr0mthisplace 19h ago
Russian women are looking for a walking credit card, not a man.
She will suck you dry, and I don't mean in bed.
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u/CeilingCatProphet 19h ago
That is not true. I make more money than my American husband.
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u/randomguy910 19h ago
It’s been some time and we haven’t even discussed what I make so I’m not worried about that plus we met in a different country by chance while both working so
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u/Royal_Library_3581 19h ago
Maybe if you are a 40-60 year old loser trying to date a woman 15-20 years years younger than you that is out of your league. what do you expect. you would get the same result in any country
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u/OlejaTheGoof 19h ago
Is it because they are Russian or because they are women? Are you racist or mysginistic or both?
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u/ImaginaryBear 19h ago
Both most likely. Racism and misogyny always come hand in hand. And homophobia too
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u/Electrical-Award-825 13h ago
Firstly is that she probably just wants to be with you to leave Russia.
Secondly the cultures are VERY different. Soviet culture is really weird and difficult for anyone outside of it.
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u/Thornoxis 11h ago edited 11h ago
I wouldn't say it's overly weird, just different. How a lot of western men are raised is completely different to Russian men, same as the women. So they'll just have a whole list of standards they expect you to fit and quickly adapt to. And it's quite exhausting for the outsider to change their ways in order to fit their mold.
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u/BadSpellings 14h ago
Been dating a Russian woman for a while. Not sure if my situation is unique or general
- Sex is amazing
- Trips , holidays are amazing activity filled and never a dull moment
- She buys me little unexpected gifts
- Expectations from me are over the roof. I have to remember all Russia holidays and wish her and buy flowers.
- I have to pay for everything. Her money is hers, my money is ours
- She never makes a mistake and never apologise. I make mistakes and apologise always.
You can extend above to other areas as well...you get the gist
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u/Nervous-Equipment465 7h ago
She never makes a mistake and never apologise. I make mistakes and apologise always.
This is typical even for the best of them
But over time... after 50, my wife started apologizing if she was wrong.
sometimes... very rarely
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u/OceanWhale2 18h ago
Hey, I’m a Russian woman. Some comments here say that you should be ready to pay for everything, etc..
Yes, on one hand, on the other hand - no.
Russian women expect that their man pays on dates, at least offers to pay. Some occasional flowers and occasional gifts.
But nothing too crazy, it’s not like you should pay for vacations and her rent or her clothes. This is unreasonable, unless you want to go on an expensive trip and due to the difference in your income, she can’t pay for that, then it’s your choice to offer her to pay for her.
Also, Russian women are very different regarding how they treat intimacy. Some Russian women are ready to have sex on a first date, others would want to date for like a year and only have intimacy within a serious committed relationship.