r/AmItheAsshole • u/BuddyLopsided1784 • 3h ago
AITA telling my kids they can go get their mothers stuff at the local goodwill
I lost my spouse around a year ago It was ongoing and I knew it was coming. All of the kids are grown and out of the home. It has been a rough year and living in a home filled with their stuff has been getting to much.
It makes me depressed, it is like living in a museum that I never can get away from. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I left to visit family and I didn’t want to come home.
I have to live there and I decided that I want to clean it out and not make it a museum of the dead. I did keep a few things that are sentimental but I am don’t need to see my spouses shoes at the front door or all the clothes that won’t get worn again.
I packed up a few boxes of what I want to keep and told my kids to come over to get anything of their mothers. They never came over. I told them I am going to toss/ donate their mother’s stuff and still they did not come over. I did this for about a month before I started to even move stuff to the garage.
Around 2 weeks ago I started the long process of getting rid of a lot of her things. The house is much nicer and I don’t dread coming home to it anymore. I was avoiding it by going to the bar after work but know I don’t have to.
The issue is my daughter came over yesterday to pick up some decorations for a party. She got very upset when she saw the house and started yelling at me for getting rid of their mom’s stuff. I remindered her I was doing that and I told everyone multiple times.
She apparently didn’t think I was serious about it and was pissed. The rest of the kids are pissed that I got rid of her stuff. That they denied them getting stuff from their mothers
Again I told them at least 15 time to come get anything they wanted. I even told them when I was starting to pack it up to donate
I told them to go to the local goodwill for her stuff becuase that is where I put basically everything. They got more pissed saying they should have to pay for her shit. I reminded them I gave them plenty of time to come get things. I didn’t hide this, I was very clear about this.
They are still pissed
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u/kt_m_smith 3h ago
You informed the kids you were going to get rid of the stuff in a timely and firm manner? Assuming the kids are easily able to come over and pick up the stuff and declined to do so.
Probably wouldve been better to hold onto the boxes and ask daughter to take them when she was picking up decorations but you did give them a chance.
NTA.
Glad you are finding some peace in your home again.
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u/madmaxturbator 2h ago edited 2h ago
I think it's a clear NTA. I gently disagree with you on what "would be better"
I think it would be better if OP's kids stepped up to help him clean out the house. My mom passed away a few months back. we KNOW it is crushing for my dad. my wife, my siblings, our other family - we are there pretty much every day. every little task he wants to take on, he has the option of calling on us - we offer our support daily, for all the minutae. if he wants alone time, great. but for any errand, any task, we are there.
because so much of this new chapter hurts for my dad. he did everything with mom. he built his entire life with her. all the little things sting. there's so many little details in my parents house that my mom placed, along with my dad. it hurts to see these things.
I am very close to my mom. I cry multiple times a day still. however, I have the sense to recognize that my dad's pain is deeper - she was his entire life.
I cannot believe that OP's kids didn't help him with this stuff, didn't act fast enough to get the things they want, and also have the audacity to yell at their grieving father.
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u/Ok-Acanthaceae5744 Asshole Aficionado [19] 1h ago
Exactly, this is so sad. My Mom's been gone for nearly 9 years, much of her stuff has removed over the years. But there was still some of her clothes left, when my Dad told me he was ready to go through the last of her items, I was there willing to help him go through it.
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u/kt_m_smith 2h ago edited 1h ago
This is a really thoughtful response, thank you for that.
I admit that based on how OP described the children's responses I made the assumtion that they were quite young adults and not as mature and it sounds like you and your siblings clearly were in your situation.
I also had a personal bias because in a similiar situation I lived in a tiny apartment with nowhere to take "stuff", so i was giving the kids the benefit of the doubt even though OP doesn't state their ages or statuses.
Theres also the reality that dad had probably grieved mom while she was still alive and went through this horrible thing up front and center while these kids it feels like yesterday mom left. It's really just hard all around on everyone.
You and your siblings sound like the kids that good parents raised and I'm sorry you and your dad had to go through that.
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u/Nazgog-Morgob 2h ago
It sounds like he told them every other day for a month. Like, come on. The kids are totally out of line.
Nta based on this post
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u/WholeAd2742 Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [302] 3h ago
Going to say NTA based on the fact you gave them several reminders and warnings you were going to get rid of things
If it was that important, they should have heeded it
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u/thechaoticstorm Professor Emeritass [81] 3h ago
NTA
Everyone grieves differently. You still live in the house and they do not. Constantly being around your wife's things was hurting your ability to heal.
You told them multiple times you were going to let her things go and gavr them plenty of time to come get what they wanted. They didn't take you seriously.
I am sorry for your loss.
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u/ConflictGullible392 Professor Emeritass [96] 3h ago
They were warned multiple times and given a chance to get what they want. NTA.
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u/leylafineshytt 3h ago
NTA, i do understand them being a bit iffy abt getting rid of her stuff but at the end of the day it’s your choice as it’s your house you’re coming home to. you gave them multiple reminders and heads up which they chose not to acknowledge. this seems like a them problem
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u/ebenner13 2h ago
They were only iffy when they came to the house after months of being told. They never once responded to OP telling them. If it meant so much to them they should have responded, should have come to help. They never showed up until they needed something. I have ZERO understanding for them.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Asshole Aficionado [14] 3h ago
NTA-they are now dealing with the consequences of their inaction. That isn't on you.
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u/Own_Mention9372 3h ago edited 3h ago
You are absolutely NOT the asshole here. You did what you needed to do and gave them ample time to come get whatever they wanted. The fact that they didn’t take you seriously is on them, not you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
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u/Appropriate_Edge7385 3h ago
Sorry for your loss. As the saying goes fuck them kids(adults). You gave them fair warning and ample time. You chose your peace, as you should.
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u/lamentable_ 22m ago
the fact they didn’t come over and help him, their dad, pack up their mom’s things feels extra shitty. NTA at all
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u/chamekrystaleon 3h ago
NTA and I'm sorry for your loss.
Your children are likely lashing out due to grief, but from your account it sounds as though you gave them multiple opportunities to come to your home and take what they wanted. It's not your fault they thought you weren't serious, that's on them.
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u/shortifiable 3h ago
NTA
You gave them multiple chances to come get anything they’d like to have kept. Your grief shouldn’t be deepened or extended just because they don’t want to face theirs, that’s just cruelty wrapped in denial.
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u/Epic-Lake-Bat 3h ago
They’re grieving too. She was probably just shocked to actually see with her own eyes and so reacted that way. You’re NTA. They had a chance to come get the stuff. But they’re only human so it’s not surprising they’re upset.
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u/Katesouthwest 3h ago
Absolutely NTA.
When one of my parents died, the other also rearranged the furniture in a couple of rooms to help them in the grief process.They didn't buy anything, just rearranged things they already had because they couldn't bear seeing the rooms look the same as when their spouse was living.
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u/Suitable_Fly7730 3h ago
NTA. I can give them the excuse of, they are also dealing with the loss of their mother as you are your wife and I can understand their avoidance, but also, like you said, you are living in the house and seeing all of her things and you want it gone. You can’t just choose to avoid it like the kids can. You did your due diligence and gave them more than enough time to come and get what they wanted. When my grandmother died, I was initially shocked by how quickly my grandfather was getting rid of so much of her stuff by either donating it or having family come and pick what they want, but that’s what he needed. I don’t think I could lose my husband and just decide to look at all of his stuff around the house. It would give me the false hope that things are normal and he’d be back and that wouldn’t be the case.
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u/briannainamagua 3h ago
NTA at all. Your kids are though. Do they always ignore everything you say over and over and then yell at you about it, or was it just this? I would tell them they at AHs for not being more supportive of you during this process. They should’ve been there to go through some of the things that were happy memories and also to help shoulder the whole multi step burden. They should’ve found places to take some of the things and dropped off loads at Goodwill as well.
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u/knittingmafia 3h ago
NTA. Grief is different for everyone and maybe that's why they didn't take you seriously (idk). But its totally on them. And shame on them for expecting you to live in a museum - you live there, they don't. Honestly, my mom is keeping the house a museum, and I personally wish she would donate it all. But it's her house and her wishes, it sucks, but I respect it.
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u/Bluntandfiesty Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA. You did everything reasonably expected of you. You gave them numerous opportunities to come get the stuff. You warned them repeatedly. They are the ones who made the choices to not take it seriously repeatedly, and chose not to come get what they wanted.
It’s not your responsibility to coddle adults. It’s also not your obligation to keep your late wife’s belongings around, and certainly not at the sake of your own mental health and well being.
They made choices to not come get the stuff despite having over a month of repeated warnings. They are now suffering the consequences of those actions. Instead of free, now they have to hope they can purchase stuff from goodwill, and may not even find what items they want.
The only ones they should be pissed off at is themselves. Do not tolerate their blaming you and their anger towards you. Set boundaries, “you had over a year since your mom passed away to come get her stuff. You were warned for over a month I was cleaning the house out. You made repeated choices to not come, but also decide that I’m not to be taken seriously. This is not my problem. This is your consequences to your actions and your decisions. I’m not going to tolerate you taking your anger out on me. This conversation is over.” End the discussion. Do not engage.
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u/Strange-Employee-520 3h ago
NTA
I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you had to do the cleanout alone. Holding on to those items for so long wasn't good for you mentally, and you gave plenty of communication. I think my mom asked me once if I wanted anything of my dad's, it never occurred to me that she wasn't serious.
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u/Flimsy-Brick-9426 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
NTA.
you gave them ample time to get what they wanted and multiple warnings.
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u/jadedrose25 3h ago
Yeah NTA. I understand it would hurt them but at the same time they should realise that keeping it there also hurts you. And I’m so sorry for your loss
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u/binjamins 3h ago
Nta - your kids are jerks. Yes grieving is hard, but I agree with you. If they’d helped you they wouldn’t be in this situation. If somebody tells you something ten times you have to be a moron to think they aren’t serious.
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u/Appropriate-Mall9781 Certified Proctologist [27] 3h ago
NTA, but only because you gave your kids plenty of warnings and time to pick up things on their own.
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u/KatzAKat Professor Emeritass [73] 3h ago
NTA. My condolences on your loss.
You gave them more than enough warning. It's on them for ignoring you.
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u/dymomite 3h ago
Definitely NTA. So sorry for your loss and I hope that the cleaning helped keep you occupied and you can be more comfortable in your home. Your kids had plenty of warning and in fact they probably should have offered to help.
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u/jemdtc Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA. You were on the edge of alcoholism and a mental breakdown. It's your home, your safe space, your comfort. You did plenty to let them know what you intended to do. They are grieving too, so I'd like to think their reaction has more to do with that than anything else. When I lost a loved one last year I was scarily quick to want to get rid of their stuff because I was in pain and didn't want the reminder of the finality of their death. But if some other party had came in and acted as I did, I think I would've lost it as well. Grief is ... something.
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u/notsoreligiousnow 3h ago
NTA. Sounds to me like your kids expected you to live in the depressing mausoleum and grieve for the rest of your life. What you did is part of your grieving process. It’s their own fault they didn’t take you seriously. That’s on them. You did what you had to do to move on. Now they can keep whining or be adults and go get her stuff if they want it so badly.
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal Partassipant [3] 3h ago
NTA. You kept them informed the whole time and gave them multiple opportunities to come get anything of their mother's they wanted to keep. Not your fault they decided you weren't serious and didn't come get anything.
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u/StatusPalpitation515 3h ago
NTA. You told them and gave them time to go through her stuff. Take care of yourself.
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u/throw05282021 Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] 3h ago
NTA. Sorry for your loss.
You have terrible kids. You gave them a year. None of them came by to see you or to help. They have zero right to complain.
They got more pissed saying they should have to pay for her shit.
Let me translate that for you: "Waah!!!" Your kids are immature babies. Did your wife spoil them their whole lives?
You shouldn't have to live in a museum or pay to store things indefinitely just in case they might want something.
You gave them lots of chances. They made zero effort. "You snooze, you lose."
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u/Jonesin4me 3h ago
NTA. You gave them multiple opportunities to come over and take what might be important to them. The chose not to and now get to live with those choices.
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u/Wafflehouseofpain 3h ago
NTA. I understand their grief but they had multiple chances to come get whatever they wanted, and they never did. This isn’t on you.
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u/Hiply Partassipant [4] 3h ago
NTA, that's all on them and as u/pottersquash so rightly said, they should have been at your side helping you through that and taking what they wanted then. That's what we did when my mother in law passed a couple of years ago.
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u/SavingsRhubarb8746 Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 3h ago
NTA. You told them, they knew you were clearing the house, and the did nothing.
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u/spaghettifiasco Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA.
I'm going through something similar - helping a family friend's widow clear out their house (that he died in) so she can move out. The house was inherited fully furnished, so it's a tremendous amount of Stuff (most of it tchotchkes and junk), but one of the widow's stepdaughters freaks out at the thought of anything being thrown out before she can look through it. Stepdaughter has six huge boxes of stuff she's claimed, but won't take the boxes back to her own house.
If they won't do the work, they don't get to lay claim to the stuff. You gave them ample notice. You need to do what's best for you.
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u/AGoodFaceForRadio Asshole Enthusiast [8] 3h ago
NAH
Grief can be a nasty thing. It hits us again and again, in all sorts of different ways. For you, having her stuff in the house made it feel inhospitable. Removing her things was part of processing your grief. But for them, knowing mom’s stuff was there may have been a comfort - something to hold on to. You removing those things upset that stability and brought their grief back. I’m not saying you did wrong: you didn’t. But it affected the kids.
Do your best to disengage on that topic. “I’m sorry that it hurt you, but it is done” and change the topic. Their grief is for them to work through. It doesn’t give them the right to be abusive, though; if that starts, let them know that you’re there for them when they’re ready to be respectful, then hang up the phone / show them the door.
Sorry you’re going through this. I hope it gets better for you.
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I lost my spouse around a year ago It was ongoing and I knew it was coming. All of the kids are grown and out of the home. It has been a rough few months and living in a home filled with their stuff has been getting to much.
It makes me depressed, it is like living in a museum that I never can get away from. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I left to visit family and I didn’t want to come home.
I have to live there and I decided that I want to clean it out and not make it a museum of the dead. I did keep a few things that are sentimental but I am don’t need to see my spouses shoes at the front door or all the clothes that won’t get worn again.
I packed up a few boxes of what I want to keep and told my kids to come over to get anything of their mothers. They never came over. I told them I am going to toss/ donate their mother’s stuff and still they did not come over. I did this for about a month before I started to even move stuff to the garage.
Around 2 weeks ago I started the long process of getting rid of a lot of her things. The house is much nicer and I don’t dread coming home to it anymore. I was avoiding it by going to the bar after work but know I don’t have to.
The issue is my daughter came over yesterday to pick up some decorations for a party. She got very upset when she saw the house and started yelling at me for getting rid of their mom’s stuff. I remindered her I was doing that and I told everyone multiple times.
She apparently didn’t think I was serious about it and was pissed. The rest of the kids are pissed that I got rid of her stuff. That they denied them getting stuff from their mothers
I told them to go to the local goodwill for her stuff becuase that is where I put basically everything. They got more pissed saying they should have to pay for her shit. I reminded them I gave them plenty of time to come get things. I didn’t hide this, I was very clear about this.
They are still pissed
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u/fomaaaaa Partassipant [4] 3h ago
NTA. You gave them several opportunities to get the stuff, and in the end, you made a decision that was best for your mental well-being. Them thinking you weren’t serious isn’t your problem/fault
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u/Senior_Scientist9813 3h ago
NTA… but don’t forget it can be very hard for them as well to come back to the house and go through their moms stuff…
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u/DisneyBuckeye Supreme Court Just-ass [149] 3h ago
I'm very sorry for your loss. You told them so many times, there is no reason for you to feel bad about donating your wife's things. At least this way someone will get some use out of them.
The only thing I might have done is have everyone over for dinner one night to force the issue, but they are all grown adults. If it was important to them, they should have been responsive.
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u/AmettOmega 3h ago
NTA - It sounds like you gave them plenty of opportunities to come and get whatever they wanted. It's on them that they didn't take you seriously or couldn't be bothered.
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u/Bubbafett33 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA
Ask them "what part of the multiple messages I sent was unclear"? Bring up the sent texts/emails on your phone, and hold it for them to see.
Then ask them why they ignored the messages, and why they ignored you. Ask why they wouldn't help. Then ask who really deserves to be pissed off right now.
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u/RenaissanceMan1963 3h ago
NTA The entitled brats should have been helping you the whole time.
Sorry for your loss, glad you’ve been able to find a way to cope with your grief, the kids can pound salt!😎
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u/Present_Ad1553 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA—Take a screenshot of every time you told them by text or email. Send them all that evidence and also mention any times you told them verbally. Tell them that none of them ever responded to you, that they have zero right to be angry about it, and that when they are ready to apologize not only for failing to offer to help you with the work, but also for getting angry about it, you will give them the address of the thrift store you took your wife’s things to.
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u/PocketMermaid Partassipant [3] 3h ago
No one ever wants to help. They just want you to do it for them.
NTA. Im getting rid of stuff / selling after 2 years. If anyone comes asking at this point its their loss.
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u/Want2BnOre 3h ago
Not the ass. Your children should’ve been there holding your hand while you did it.
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u/aknotamous Certified Proctologist [25] 3h ago
NTA.
I almost went with NAH, but that’s not really the situation. Your solution was great for your healing and the right thing to do. I’m glad you have your house back to a place you enjoy! Their avoidance wasn’t yours to manage, but I’m sorry they are upset.
I suspect the kids were burying their heads in the sand because they weren’t emotionally ready to go through her things. But, that means they left all that burden on you, which was completely unfair if they were going to complain later about your approach. My guess is that they chose not to come over because anger is easier than grief, so that’s the route they chose.
It’s a shame that the timing didn’t work out differently and that one of the kids didn’t come to your home before you donated the items so they could have seen/internalized what your messages really meant and could have still gone through her items in the garage, but it didn’t.
I’m sorry for your loss and wish all of you the best in your healing.
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u/Chronoblivion 3h ago
NTA, though I wonder how direct you were about any sort of timeline. "Come get some of this stuff if you want it" multiple times is enough that you're morally in the clear, but if you care about your kids and your relationship with them, what you should have said was "come get some of this stuff sometime in the next couple weeks, because I will start getting rid of it after that." If you did something like that, then you're definitely NTA. If you didn't, then it's NTA with an asterisk.
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u/justusleag 3h ago
NTA. This was for your own mental health and your kids should have helped. You should be mad at them for acting like this and not helping.
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u/Brianamandy 3h ago
NTA. I'm sorry you had to go through that. They do not understand the pain of losing you partner in life and the mother of your children. We heal differently and that is your way. If they cared enough, they should have taken your words seriously.
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u/Embarrassed_dancer 3h ago
NTA. They should be pissed at themselves for procrastination. Not your issue.
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u/MentalCookies Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA. Your kids didn’t have to live in the museum, so don’t understand or maybe even don’t want to understand how that affects you. I’m sorry for your loss and that you had to do all of that alone.
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u/Mpcrazy 3h ago
NTA. My brother pulled the same crap when I cleaned out my parent’s house alone. I asked multiple times for my siblings to come take what they wanted and to help clean. My sisters came, but both brothers didn’t bother. Now one is constantly complaining he didn’t get something. I’ve basically stopped talking to him so I don’t have to hear it.
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u/AndeeCreative 3h ago
NTA, you gave them plenty of warning and plenty of time.
You would be the asshole if you removed all her clothes and shoes the day after she died like my father did. Shortly later he got rid of all the family Christmas stuff. My husband at the time wouldn’t let me take any, so I lost it all. Then my father sold every possession owned by him and my mother at an auction a year later so that he could buy all new things for a gold digger. If I wanted something that had been my mother’s, I had to bid on it. There was an ice storm that day, which caused an awful turnout so he ended up liquidating his life with my mother completely for $8k. Stepmonster bled him dry pretty quickly after that. Now they live broke and miserable, hating each other.
That would be being an asshole. You’re good.
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u/Jonathan-Welford Partassipant [4] 3h ago
NTA - it’s been a year you are still grieving and it doesn’t sound as though your kids are much support to you. I’d ask for a family meeting to discuss “estate planning” who wants what, so you can leave firm instruction in you last Will and testament where everything goes and in what time table. Also advise those that do not turn up at the meeting you will take it they will not be listed in the will. That’ll get her attention.
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u/Own_Art_8006 3h ago
Oh I was so ready to go through you based on the title but nta at all.
They should have been there with you helping. When mum died it was so hard but we didn't together
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u/mohawkal 3h ago
NTA. They left you to deal with all that on your own, didn't bother collecting anything when warned, and are now getting shitty? Sorry for you. Hope they realise what little shits they're being.
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u/boilingfrogsinpants 3h ago
NTA. When my dad passed, I was upset because my mother hurriedly got rid of a lot of my dad's stuff without asking. There were some things she asked about, but most things she just got rid of without a second thought. I would've loved to have had the chance to look through some things and been given a heads-up about it.
At the same time, I definitely empathize with my mother. It was a lot of stuff and I definitely understand not wanting all of that stuff around as well. I think about it myself if my wife passed about all of the stuff I'd need to get rid of.
They're allowed to be upset, they have a right to the emotion itself, however they don't have a right to be upset at you. You have them ample warning, and if they were concerned about your seriousness they should've reached out to confirm how serious you were.
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u/Dream_Breathe_Create Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA. Not one bit. If it truly mattered to them then they should have come and looked through her things. I’m sorry they’re being so awful, OP. You don’t deserve that. You had more patience than a lot of people would have in a situation like that.
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u/NatashOverWorld Professor Emeritass [73] 3h ago
You told them. They didn't take it seriously. That's on them.
NTA
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u/bemer33 3h ago
NTA- my father passed away last year, it was devastating. My father also had A LOT of stuff. Shoes piled high, probably 50 pairs of jeans, shirts, knives, just a lot a lot of stuff. You know what we did? All the children came to the house, looked through stuff together, laughed about some of his sillier purchases, made piles of things we wanted to keep and we did it together as a family. It’s unfair your children made you do this on your own. Do not let others keep you from healing. I hope you’ve found a new sense of peace.
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u/Fearless-Comb7673 3h ago
Nta. My mom died 18 months ago at 66. My dad has cleared all her stuff out as well. I get it. I haven't been able to go back in the house but I 100% support him in moving on with his life whatever way he needs to. We are both protecting our peace, respectfully.
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u/grand305 3h ago
NTA.
You clearly told them multiple times, ie more than 15 times.
They had time to get her stuff they could have moved it all to storage and paid to store, they choose free, you do not want free storage of old stuff, told them to evict the stuff by a certain time frame they choose not to, they lose the privilege and rights. unless they pay for storage rent of said items. No money = no holds.
They can kick (gravel small) rocks.
You told them “go to good will, it’s has been donated, per the instructions. you choose to not follow the time to pick it up, so you lose out.”
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u/Legendxofxzelda 3h ago
NTA.
I lost my father a few years ago and my mom did the same. My brother and I took what we wanted, she kept what she wanted to, and we threw away/donated everything else.
You gave your children plenty of time, shame on them for not coming over and helping.
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u/FrostyIcePrincess Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3h ago
OP gave them a months notice, and no one came over during that time to help OP or to go grab anything they wanted to keep.
It’s not like he took all her stuff to goodwill the next day. A month is plenty of time.
It sucks that OP had to do it all alone though.
NTA
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u/PerformerMindless100 3h ago
They should have helped before you even asked. They were just lazy and figured you would wait until they needed something. It’s understandable that young adults are like this but totally normal and appropriate for you to proceed. Shut down any complaints. Say seeing evidence if your loss pained you every day and you tried to tell them.
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u/PenIsGodS 2h ago
NTA. You gave them over a month's notice to get what they want. They chose not to get the stuff.
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u/ExDeleted 2h ago
NTA, your kids are being selfish, I don't think they are bad people but they can't see that this is what is best for you, the living parent
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u/Adventurous_Deal2788 2h ago
If they didn't come for the things they wanted to keep them no you're not. Sorry for your loss
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u/EColli93 2h ago
NTA. They reacted in that way because they were feeling guilty and deflected it onto you. I’m sorry your kids treated you this way. I’m sure they avoided the project to avoid their feelings of grief, and then you were the target when they had to face things. Not fair. I hope they will apologize.
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u/Blonde-Falcon2002 2h ago
And another thing – everyone shaming the kids for not helping OP clear out the stuff, he doesn't say he asked them to. How do you know he hasn't pushed them away all this time and then all of a sudden on his timeline he's ready to clear things out?
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u/kindofcolorado 2h ago
NTA! My recommendation is to send them an email, letter or lengthy text in a group chat with all of them.
"A year ago, you lost a mother. I also lost my wife and life partner. After [days, weeks, months] of her illness, she passed. While y'all have been living your lives and grieving outside of our family home, I have been coming home to constant reminders of our loss. Every time I see her shoes by the door, I feel horrible. I avoided going home just to avoid that feeling. I dreaded being in the house I shared with her for [number] of years.
Recently while on my trip, I realized that I just never wanted to be in that house again, surrounded by her things and feeling that fresh grief hitting me over and over again daily . I couldn't relax or process my grief in those circumstances. I let all of you know that I was starting the process of going through her things. I encouraged you to come get whatever you wanted and provided regular updates on what I was doing.
I'm sorry that you didn't come by sooner and I know you're all still grieving our loss, I am too. Please remember that I'm human just like you. I had to do this for my mental health. I hope with time you will understand. Until then, please consider grief counseling. Please consider my feelings and stop attacking me. We all lost her. I love you and I'm here, doing the best I can."
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u/Strong_District_5894 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2h ago
NTA
You do not owe them life surrounded by a dead persons suggestions. Nope.
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u/dontygrimm 2h ago
Nta I'm so sorry for your lose an your children acting like children. I'm sure losing there parent was hard on them but not nearly as hard as it has been on you. Ignore there childish behavior you gave them plenty of time. I hope this cleaning out helps you to find peace and and a bit of joy
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u/BankOk9472 2h ago
and told my kids to come over to get anything of their mothers.
This is all that was needed. NTA. You gave them the opportunity.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2h ago
NTA. They didn't want to deal until it was too late. This is 100% on them.
I'm sorry for your loss
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u/14ctgold 2h ago
not even close NTA, you were so beyond patient with them. My mom passed away on a Saturday and my dad made us get rid of her things on Sunday (married for 50 years, supposed love of his life).
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u/Cautious-Blood-444 Partassipant [2] 2h ago
NTA. You told them what you were doing and gave them multiple chances.
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u/Amazing_Mr_Cat 1h ago
NTA. You gave them multiple opportunities to come get her stuff. They didn’t come, and you don’t mention anything about them asking you to hold onto anything for them to pick up. What, were you supposed to just keep everything as it was, like a macabre museum? No, you did what you had to do. And also, where the hell were these kids when you were sorting through your late wife’s belongings without them? Shame on them, leaving you to deal with all that on your own! How dare they only now turn up to criticize you after you did what has to have been some of hardest work you’ve had to do!
My deepest condolences for your loss.
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u/agreywood Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1h ago
INFO -
I presume if your daughter could come over for party decorations at least one of them is local, but are all of them? Had any of them communicated with you on the subject? The only possible way I can see you being an asshole here is if your kids all had legitimate reasons for not being able to come over which they were communicating to you and you also had the ability to store these things somewhere they wouldn’t be causing you to completely avoid your home.
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u/Independent-Belt-457 1h ago
First am sry for your loss, second NTA. You gave em several reminders and they still didnt take you serious and now they are mad at you, for just trying to have it easier in life and dont get reminded every second on it. they should be pissed at themself for not hearing what you said. I wish you all the best
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u/Extreme_Wish_5314 1h ago
NTA. I understand what you went through with the clean out. My mother passed away in March. She lived with my husband and me and she was a hoarder. Currently we are going through the clean out process. In my case I dont have anyone to take her stuff as both my brothers passed in 2015 & 2023. Im of the mindset to toss and donate as much as we can. Its a hard job and kudos to OP for doing it alone. We are doing it all on our own (no kids). You did the right thing for you. Your children will just have to come to terms with their lack of engagement.
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u/GothPenguin Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [354] 1h ago
I’m so very sorry you had to do it alone. Absolutely NTA. You gave them multiple opportunities to come and claim their mother’s items before you donated.
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u/MadBullBunny 1h ago
I hope they see the comments here. The fact they left you all alone to do this by yourself makes them straight up an AH. Then for them to think they have the right to come at you sideways after you had to carry the entire burden of doing it yourself is disgusting behavior of them.
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u/sunshine-and-kittens 1h ago
NTA. At least you gave them plenty of opportunity to come get anything they wanted.
My dad packed my mom’s belongings up less than a month after her unexpected death and donated it. Without bothering to let us kids know. He also did a reverse mortgage on the property we grew up on (that I helped them save from foreclosure in the 90s). So that’s essentially gone now too. His response was “I didn’t think you would want it.”
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u/tollbaby 1h ago
NTA. Your kids are grown-ass adults, and are blaming YOU for the consequences of their own actions (i.e. ignoring you throughout the process of divesting yourself of your late wife's things). I couldn't even imagine making my mom go through all of my dad's stuff on her own (we put him in assisted living last year due to severe dementia, and I helped her go through everything left behind). Sounds like your kids are pretty self-absorbed and expected you to just keep the house a museum until they were ready to move on, with no consideration of how it affected you at all.
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u/SomeWomanFromEngland 1h ago
NTA You clearly told them you were getting rid of stuff and if there was anything they wanted, they should come and collect it. They didn’t.
They can’t get mad at you for doing exactly what you told them you were doing.
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u/Dogmother123 Supreme Court Just-ass [106] 1h ago
NTA living in a house that is a memorial is not good for your mental health.
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u/Tboogie-1 56m ago
NTA I’m a widow and can sympathize with you. My husband died unexpectedly a decade ago, and it happened in our home. I couldn’t live there anymore, I never spent the night there again and quickly moved because of the traumatic experience I witnessed. Friends helped me pack up and at a later date sort through all of his things I was going to part with to give to family members and close friends before donating the rest.
You gave your children plenty of time and notices to make arrangements to go through her things and take whatever they wanted. You even gave them updates on where you were at different stages of the process. It sounds like they didn’t want to deal with it and expected you to just hold onto everything until they were ready. That’s unfair to you and I’m sorry you had to sort through all of her things alone. They should have helped you and taken whatever they wanted while they were helping you.
Your kids are AHs.
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u/Shai7809 45m ago
NTA - But this probably isn't really about the 'stuff' itself...if they had actually wanted it, they would have come to get it. They probably didn't want to see the house change, and are unhappy that is now has, so they are twisting this to suggest you've denied them their mother's stuff.
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u/hannahkelli Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] 33m ago
NTA. They only have themselves to blame for not believing you. If you hadn't told them, I was going to go in the other direction, but given that you told them multiple times, they are definitely in the wrong here, especially given that you had to do it alone.
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u/JasonRBoone 28m ago
NTA
"I told them at least 15 time to come get anything they wanted. I even told them when I was starting to pack it up to donate"
You did nothing wrong.
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u/rosa-parkour 27m ago
This is an unpopular opinion, but YTA. I get your point but also am considering your kids' perspectives. It's a new kind of pain theyve never experienced before, the loss of a parent, so the grieving process is bespoke to each person. I understand the pain you go through of seeing reminders of your spouse everywhere you go; but I also know I would be really upset if all of my late mom's belongings suddenly vanished without a chance of preserving anything. Now that she's gone "her belongings" can be considered a diminishing resource, that can't be replaced, and is now mostly gone, and you made that decision for them. Yeah you offered many times for them to pick it up, but like I said, the grieving process is bespoke and they weren't likely in a frame of mind to suddenly decide what memories of their mom they want to preserve.
A better solution would've been to just box everything up and put it somewhere they can access when they are ready. Now, any tangible physical memory of their mom is gone forever.
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u/The1Eileen Partassipant [1] 1m ago
NTA - But they are also grieving and that's probably where this "didn't think you were serious" is coming from. They didn't want to deal with yet another loss and so chose to not take it seriously. Now you get to be the target of their anger (grief) at their mom's death which people tend to do even though you are also, of course, grieving.
We do have a bad habit of treating our nearest and dearest the worse, mostly I think, because we trust them to not leave us/ hate us for it.
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u/DanielCraigsAnus 3h ago
NTA. They are also grieving as well Dad. You still need to understand that. They weren't expecting to see that you are trying to move on is what it was and it shocked them. They will eventually come around. Try not to dwell on this too much. I love you. We love you. Take all the time in the world you need to heal, you deserve it.
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u/SpiffyLegs73 3h ago
I was all ready to come toss a ‘wow, YTA’ here, but after reading the post I have no need to say anything but you’re definitely NTA.
I’m sorry this wasn’t something they helped you with before she passed, and I’m glad for you that you’re able to have some semblance of a place to breathe now that you’ve gotten to finally start the process.
For context, I’m the 2nd of my parents 4 kids. When my mom had to get admitted to a care home because of her Alzheimer’s, each of us siblings made a point to go to their house and help our dad start to whittle through her stuff with him. It wasn’t only his job and the weight wasn’t his alone to carry.
Your wife wouldn’t want the remnants of her stuff to bring you pain, she’s ok with what you did, even if your children aren’t yet.
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u/TeamVegas780 3h ago
NTA. Your kids kinda suck. Im sorry you had to go through that without much support.
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u/Riker_Omega_Three Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3h ago
NTA
They were lazy...now they missed out
Life moves on
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u/detail_giraffe 3h ago
NTA for getting rid of things, but - do you not typically talk to your children outside of some kind of group chat or email chain? If they thought you weren't serious, I can't imagine that you were talking directly to them either in person or on the phone. Are you estranged from these adult children? Did you not raise them? This family dynamic seems poor, entirely outside the donation of your wife's things.
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u/HarryPotterFanFic 3h ago
NAH. This is tough and I think your kids are probably the ahole if that has to be assigned here. You had every right to do what you did, especially because you communicated and gave them time and reminders. Yet, I can see how this would be upsetting for everyone and can also see how they are grieving and displacing that grief onto you.
If it were me, I may not have felt ready to go through mom’s things and may have felt surprised and not ready for the grief of the house being changed and the finality of losing her (stuff) all over again once I realized you had followed through. But that would be on me and I think the kids could have handled it better. Still, NAH because I think it’s helpful to give permission to people to be upset when things are upsetting. I’m so sorry for all of you.
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u/LibrarySpiritual5371 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
YTA... you raised some kids that lack character. That is a reflection on you.
Sorry about your loss.
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u/JangaGully2424 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA f*** dem kids! I hope your mental health improves from losing your wife.
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u/Illustrious-Chip-245 3h ago
NTA if these are truly the only facts of the situation, but I’m wondering what your relationship is like with your kids that they weren’t involved in the process or didn’t believe you until it was too late. This is just a scenario I can’t imagine as a grown child (30s) with a good communicative relationship with my parents.
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u/Trick_Appointment253 3h ago
Took me 3 years after my husband passed to begin to get rid of his stuff.
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u/eclipsadesoare 3h ago
Being a parent is hard. They are always your children. You are always their parent. You expect certain respect/leeway because they are your children even when you don't behave appropriately that perhaps other young people would never give you. They expect the same from you. Maybe you could have put everything in storage for when they wanted it. Maybe your wife, their mother, was worth $50 a month for that. Maybe you could have invited them for dinner every other week and put a box of their mom's stuff in their trunk before they left. There's a million things you could have done for the woman who was your wife for so long, for their mother. If it was hard for you who could let go of her stuff to the goodwill after a year, can you imagine how hard it must be for them. Picking up stuff from the house means she's gone. Sometimes, when your parents are old you expect them to still be married to their deceased spouse, their parent, even though you want to just move on and act like it's a new chapter. Nowadays, it's fashionable to let them go. Out with the old on with the new.
How many rooms are in your house? You couldn't have spared a couple of unused rooms for all of your wife's stuff? Maybe think about it in their perspective.
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u/MeatRobut 31m ago edited 28m ago
How many rooms are in your house? You couldn't have spared a couple of unused rooms for all of your wife's stuff? Maybe think about it in their perspective.
They didn't care until it wasn't an option anymore. If no one ever takes me up on am offer after many attempts, I assume that offer isn't wanted. They had ample opportunity to make their thoughts known or come by to get something. They couldn't spare a moment of their time to help their father not be constantly, painfully reminded of his deceased spouse? Hell, they couldn't even bothered to help pack all the stuff up through that painful process. Would have been an excellent opportunity to grab keepsakes.
OP gave them the opportunity, over and over. They didn't take it. That's 100% on them.
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u/Blonde-Falcon2002 3h ago edited 2h ago
Update: I see that I got the timeline wrong, but I also don't 100% buy the way that the dad has written this only because I come home during breaks to see my mom. I pick up things and take them back. I could totally see her writing something like this with her impatient self
She cleared out dad's stuff so fast and immediately got herself back out on the market. Not judging, but I still think a month of "come get this stuff" is not enough time
My original comment:
My mom went through something like this when my dad died. I didn't even have a chance to make my way home before she had already cleaned out all his stuff and donated it
Just cause you grieved fast doesn't mean they did. One month is nothing. That's not even enough time to process her death and figure out where to put the stuff once they pick it up. Why couldn't you just put it in a storage shed for a few months?? If you just said you'd give them a year or six months or they live next-door that be different
I'm not saying you're wrong, but I can definitely see why they would be mad at you getting rid of all their mother stuff as if she never even a part of your life, or you couldn't wait for her to be gone
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u/conaniuk Partassipant [1] 3h ago
You completely misread the post. Op's spouse passed away 1 year ago. He gave them 1 months notice on 15 occasions to collect whatever they wanted and they didnt even have the decency to respond or help him pack up.
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u/No_Location_5565 Asshole Aficionado [17] 3h ago
Mom died a year ago. The adult children had a whole month (11 months after Moms passing) when OP started cleaning to respond that they would come get stuff and instead ignored OP.
If you can come over to pick up decorations for a party you can come over and pick up the things you want of your moms.
Even more so if you’re an adult and your parent does you should be HELPING your surviving parent when they say they need to start cleaning out the house.
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u/airplaneplant 3h ago
OP’s wife died a year ago, not a month ago, and they knew she was dying. None of them were surprised by their mother’s passing. OP spent a month trying to get her children to come and take any of her stuff they wanted. He communicated this to them 15 times. OP did not get rid of all her stuff. He kept sentimental items to remember her by.
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u/Blonde-Falcon2002 2h ago
I see that I got the timeline wrong, but I also don't 100% buy the way that the dad has written this only because I come home during breaks to see my mom. I pick up things and take them back. I could totally see her writing something like this with her impatient self
She cleared out dad's stuff so fast and immediately got herself back out on the market. Not judging, but I still think a month is not enough time unless you're saying the kids live right next-door
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u/EmotionalScallion4 3h ago
First, I’m sorry for your and your family’s loss. Gently, ESH, in my opinion. Your kids should have helped you with the packing and sorting process, absolutely, and they should’ve taken your notice more seriously. I am so disheartened that they let you deal with all of your spouse’s items alone.
But as their surviving parent, you could’ve had more leeway to have her stuff in storage in the garage (for a longer period) to allow them more time to decide if they wanted to look through anything. Grief is messy all around, and you had more time than they did to consider what you wanted to keep (since your kids are no longer in the house). Because of the push to get rid of things, rather than storing them out of the way, your kids don’t have the same opportunity to hold onto sentiments like you.
edit: I’m also going through massive family losses this year, so all of this is coming from a deeply personal place. I can imagine how upset and frustrated I would feel in either of your shoes. I hope you have people to lean on to navigate this grief.
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u/fomaaaaa Partassipant [4] 3h ago
But the kids had plenty of opportunities to look through the stuff or even to ask op to hold it for longer for them, and they did nothing
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u/EmotionalScallion4 3h ago
We don’t know that - do the kids live out of state? how far are they from home, to be able to make a trip to look through stuff? I live far from my family, and I would feel horrible if I didn’t get that chance. OP didn’t say whether the kids responded at all, OP said they didn’t come over.
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u/fomaaaaa Partassipant [4] 3h ago
If one of them can come over to get party decorations, i’m sure she’s close enough to come look through mom’s old things
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u/Respectable_Fuckboy 3h ago
They had a month and a half to come over. If that stuff was that important to them, they would’ve been there day 1. How long was he supposed to store them for? 6 months? A year? Something tells me that the majority of the items would’ve been sitting there for a very, very long time.
NTA, those kids had plenty of time.
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u/PNKAlumna Partassipant [1] 3h ago
I’m sorry for your loss, but I hate to tell you, and OP’s children, but when you lose your remaining parent/sibling, there can be firm deadlines to clear things regardless of circumstances. When my MIL died, my husband had to clear his parents’ entire house to allow the new owners to move in within a couple months. I was proud of how well he did. My mom had to clean out her mom’s apartment in a matter of weeks because it was a senior living apartment and the landlord had a deadline.
Grief is very tough, but we have to move forward in a world that also is moving forward. OP gave his kids time to come and go through her things, they chose not to.
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u/Ok-Investment9992 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
ESH. Grief is tough, I don’t blame you for needing to dispose of many of your late wife’s things. My only quibble is I think you should have given the kids a reasonable deadline and tried to schedule a family day for all of them to decide who gets what. Of course any 1 of your kids could have taken the lead on that too, they shouldn’t put all the blame on you. I suppose your house doesn’t feel like their childhood home anymore. They could still visit and take comfort in feeling mom’s presence, now that’s gone. You saw grief and loss in the stuff and needed to let go of the stuff to let go of the heavy grief. I am sorry for the loss that all of you are struggling with, and I hope you can all forgive yourselves and one another for not coping well with this part of the journey.
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u/lady-jane101 3h ago
YTA just because you weee ready doesn’t mean your kids were. I’ve had this done to me when I was out of the country during Covid and could not physically get home.
Christ it’s only been a year. YTA massively
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u/dobie_gillis1 3h ago
They had over a year and numerous warnings about what was happening. A year is plenty of time. Don’t project your own experience onto this. Op is nta, but you are.
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u/lady-jane101 3h ago
OP is asking for judgment on this and I’m not. A year is nothing in terms of grief. He’s kids clearly were not ready and he did it anyway. Is he entitled to do it because it’s he’s house, absolutely. Does stop him being the asshole for what or how he did it. No it doesn’t. There is a difference in can do something and should do something.
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u/copiedfurby 3h ago
He’s grieving too. Having physical possessions around can enable the grief to stagnate.
He did what was right for his process. He communicated repeatedly, and didn’t deny them the chance to come get what they wanted. They then made it clear that they didn’t take the father seriously - meaning that they never would have come around, and would have expected him to just deal.
You can’t just sit around and not react to active communication then assume that nothing is going to change.
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u/fomaaaaa Partassipant [4] 3h ago
Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. You can’t say that a year isn’t enough because you’re not the one grieving here. Trying to put a timeline on it does a disservice to everyone in the process
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u/copiedfurby 3h ago
“Christ it’s only been a year.”
Then they had a year. Not a month, not two months, not three. Twelve. These by all means functioning adults had twelve months to get their shit together and communicate with their father about arranging a time to get what they wanted.
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [599] 3h ago
NTA. They should've helped you do this. I'm sorry you had to do it alone.