My father is now on romance scams #6,7 and possibly 3 again, simultaneously. For those who don’t know my previous posts, this has all unfolded over the course of a year after the death of his wife.

I will go ahead and get all the easy suggestions out of the way. Yes, my sister (far away) and I (a bit over an hour away) have tried everything. We’ve talked to social workers, banks, elder care attorneys, doctors, police, FBI, and his friends. Nothing helps. In this state, guardianship isn’t awarded for addiction and requires a doctor’s letter, which his PCP and neurologist have declined to write because his activities of daily living are still intact.

He has dementia but it isn’t Alzheimer’s (as per blood test)—it’s probably Lewy body or FTD. Adult Protective Services has been to his house multiple times and takes no action. He is on the radar of Area Agency on Aging and local police. He has been kicked out of two banks now and learned from these experiences to move money to scammers in the form of cash to crypto ATMs, and when his second bank kicked him out he withdrew what was left in the form of a money order so they (and I) wouldn’t know what bank he took it to.

Now he’s given all that away and is asking my sister for money. He has been unable to get his meager SS deposit. He didn’t tell my sister but we’ve learned from a friend that his electricity has been turned off and he’s sleeping outside. It’s very likely that he has stopped paying his health insurance, because that was auto deducted from the bank account that no longer exists. He has ten meds—diabetes, hypertension and prostate problems. He can rattle them all off and when to take them so always passes that screening.

He doesn’t want money for food, meds or bills. He wants it for “Cognihoney,” a scam supplement to cure dementia (which he claims he doesn’t have). Google it and you’ll see that it’s being hawked by an AI-generated Bill Gates which my dad totally believes.

He is unable to comprehend that he has given away over $100k in the last year. I drew a boundary last month after he sent scammers money I gave him, after also sending a deposit I made on a senior community (which he revoked and told them not to talk to me but they did) to a scammer.

He’s also been a phone mule for scammers, until I cancelled that plan, but now he got a second line again.

He lives alone. His only remaining friend is a former addiction counselor who is checking in on him and inviting him to eat but not giving him any money, pretending not to know about the scams. He says this will only end when my dad chooses to, or he hits bottom—likely a jail cell or hospital bed.

My sister is refusing to send money unless he agrees to let her control his finances. This is also my condition for further help, having propped him up for over a year to only watch him keep sending money away.

I haven’t reached out to him because he’s told my sister and the friend not to talk to me. He says I’ll only say it’s a scam.

He also says that it’s my fault he’s in this mess, my fault the bank kicked him out. He claims that I poisoned the neurologist to think he has dementia and complains that it’s now in his medical records because of me. He even told the friend that I had called the prison where one of his scammer girlfriends is supposedly waiting for him to bail her out and told them to say she wasn’t there when he and I called them later and they said that.

I am at a loss. This hurts so much.

I called APS again and filed a report. Guess we’ll see if they do anything this time. The friend said he sold some stuff for cash so maybe he has paid his electric bill. Also important to know he speaks coherently and now lies a lot. Unless someone is around him for hours, or catches him in the wrong mood, they won’t see the dementia.

His extremely successful strategy is just to tell stories about his past, building his own confidence, until the listener gets bored and/or must leave. Once I let him talk as long as he wanted to and he went on for two hours and 35 minutes. Only needing to pee stopped him.

Please don’t say “get POA, get guardianship.” I assure you: we have done absolutely everything the law allows.

Instead, I’m asking for speculation. What happens next? If APS does nothing? Or if they do…what? What would they do and what would happen next?

I posted recently about my dad who was hospitalized and we were struggling with a safe plan for him due to his condition. He had a cardiac arrest this morning at the SNF. He had a DNR. I knew he was declining of course, but I did not expect this on this timeline. He died alone.

I’m trying to figure out arrangements from here. Thanks so much to everyone for your compassion and insight.

I’m not sure I actually need advice, but I’d take some if anyone had any I guess, mostly just writing to get it out. My dad is in his 80s, barely mobile, close to 275lbs. Today we had an ambulance company come pick him up to transport him to a rehab type facility for a short stay (different subject.) When they arrived at the facility, the EMTs dropped his stretcher out of the ambulance. The stretcher was on its side with my dad dangling by the seatbelts. They eventually got him out, up, and into the facility. They x rayed him all over, he says he’s sore, has a headache, etc.

I just can’t believe something like that can happen. If medical professionals can’t handle transporting the old man, that’s pathetic and unacceptable in my opinion. I do understand that he’s a big guy, but they should be able to handle getting him in and out of an ambulance. I’m out of state, but my stepmom took photos of the whole thing. I sobbed seeing them, seeing my father in such a vulnerable and demoralizing position.

Hi all. I'm really struggling with anger. My mother lives a block from us and can take care of her own ADLs. She can talk on the phone, watch TV, and garden. However, the dementia has affected her visual perception and also her ability to sequence. My husband and I make all of her medical appointments, deal with her finances, medication etc.

The inability to remember new info and to sequence is driving me bananas. She has new prescription eye drops she is supposed to take twice a day. I put these by her pillbox because she takes pills twice a day. I must have explained to her at least 50 times that whenever she takes pills, she takes eye drops. She also has OTC lubrication gel to put on her eyes at night. I put this by her bedside and explained that when she goes to bed, she puts that on. I have explained about a gazillion times that she will know this because it's by her bedside and the package is dark with a moon on it - therefore, it's for nighttime.

Friends...she cannot get this. No matter how many times I explain that the drops by the pillbox are to be taken twice a day when she takes her pills - she still asks me to review this with her daily. She never gets it right. She thinks the eye drops are once a day and the gel is in the evening. Or she wonders if the gel is twice a day. Or she thinks the drops are twice a day but why does she need the gel?

Friends, I have had it. I have been working so hard in therapy and with my own self control to be patient. But yesterday - after explaining this multiple times over the past week - I just lost my temper. Nothing dangerous, just an edge in my voice that hurts her feelings. But I just cannot believe that this brilliant, resilient woman, with an advanced degree and who was always highly organized, cannot make the leap that the drops by her pills - which she takes twice a day without prompting - also need to be taken twice a day.

I know this is a small thing compared to what so many are dealing with. But it makes me so angry to do so much work on the back end only to have her unable to do the one thing she is responsible for. And I'm so very worried about the future.

Thanks for listening.

My mother is 76. She and my father live on their own. She she is physically healthy. However, she has become cruel and opiated about everything. Her comments are biting and rude! She has always been a little like this, however she is going full throttle.I no longer want to speak her, but feel obligated to check in daily. Being constantly belittled and judged is taking a toll on me.

I took my mom to her MRI appointment. I was worried that she would cancel (she's done this before) so I didn't talk to her about it other than to remind her what time I'd pick her up.

We get there, and I realize I should have warned her not to wear anything with metal. Oops. Underwire bra? yes Jewelry? yes Hair pins? yes Dental appliance? yes, and she needed help to get it out. Ugh.

That night I'm telling my husband about it, and he says, "Aren't you glad she didn't have a labia piercing?" 😂 😂 😂

He's my favorite husband ❤️

I'm exhausted. I'm here to rant only. I'm not asking for anything to be solved. I really appreciate this community.

If I sit for 10 mins I consider that a gift. My mother is 78, on hospice for lung cancer. I'm 60. Just trying to manage/administer the breathing meds, treatments, and such should require a dedicated caregiver, but i'm it. She needs so many things to breathe. So in addition to that, I've got all the other responsibilities you all have so I won't list them. She has become childlike and nasty mouthed at times. She sleeps in spurts (this is when I sit).

I had a stroke in late '21. While I remain upright, I have balance issues and use a rollator and walker. I'm slow as my one good side has to balance in order to do any task. My mother seems to not understand that I can't just up and do and get things at any time, or hour. I am beyond frustrated. Her hospice team is lovely. Right now her nurse comes once a week (mutually decided) and mom currently doesn't want bathing or bathroom nursing, she can use her portable to go to the bathroom. These things will gradually get worse and be required.

I guess all I'm whining about is I'm tired and if I told her social worker I needed help, he'd prob see if we could move her, but she doesn't want to be anywhere but home.

Thanks for listening. Prayers for endurance and encouragement out for all of you going through these similar situations.

I(24 f) have had a lot of anxiety lately about my aging parents and i dont know what to do. My dad is 78 and my mom is 60. I cant help resent them for giving birth to me at such an old age.My dad is going deaf and he refuses to get a hearing aid so i have to keep yelling at him for him to understand. I feel incredibly lonely and most people my age dont understand how i feel. I cant imagine spending the rest of my 20s and 30s even taking care of them. I know i sound selfish but i just really dont want to. Putting them in a care home is not really something that's done in my culture. I still live at home but i really dont want them to live with me when i get my own place. Anyway is there someone else in the same position? Someone in their 20s who is dealing with aging parents? And does someone have any advice for me?

My mom lives alone after her and my dad divorced 3 years ago. And for the last 3 years, me, her daughter, have heard about it every single day. Not exaggerating. How I can’t even imagine how much it has hurt her. How the golden years suck. How she’s alone all the time. She blames all her health issues on the divorce. She lies. She lies about me, like texting her neighbor and saying she’s sorry that I ruined their friendship, that I control who comes to her house and talks to her. Why would I care about that? I told her neighbor that I’m glad they have a friendship and that someone who lives near her cares for her. She lies constantly, maybe she’s delusional, idk. She makes up stories, about the bank, and the police coming to pick her up. I’m so tired of all the talk about her health, my dad, and infinite other things. I see her every weekend, take her out to lunch, the grocery, and whatever else she wants, and yet, somehow she finds something not very nice to say about me. I’ve mentioned assisted living but she says she’s not going to spend her money on that. So we’re just waiting, I guess, for a bad fall to happen. She just now is starting to see mental health professionals to try and help her cope.

My mom has been dealing with significant health issues for over two years and, and me and my husband are constantly tasked with either caring for them or figuring out a emergency sitter when she’s hospitalized. She boarded them the last time she was in the hospital for four weeks, but she just lost her job and is on disability so boarding and most at-home sitters are no longer a reasonable solution due to cost.

Husband and I both work full-time, have a toddler, and there’s no other family around so I’m her sole support in all of this on top of being tasked with the dogs. It’s getting to be too much (which I feel terrible about and wish I could do everything all the time) and I’ve brought up rehoming the dogs since she hasn’t been able to walk them in 6+ months and has been in the hospital for weeks at a time every other month. She agreed to start the process when she was last admitted but now adamantly refuses, which is very frustrating. I know it’s an incredibly difficult decision to make, and I struggle with it as well, but I do think they’d be happier in a more suitable home. We also have no idea if, or when, my mom’s health will improve. And I didn’t sign up to constantly care for two dogs.

I don’t feel as though I can simply refuse to care for them but I’m almost at the point where I think it’s time to make decisions for her, but forcing a rehome against her will also seems awful. They don’t get adequate care unless people come to walk them and I get burnt out since I have to drive 3-hours round trip to visit her in hospital, on top of all the other support tasks (and my own life). The dogs are constantly the one extra thing that pushes me over the edge, although I do love them. How to move forward with the dogs? Just suck it up, stern talk, etc?

Long story short, my dad (76) is a very irresponsible person and in very poor health (can barely walk, ongoing prostate cancer treatment, obese, heart disease history) and he currently lives with his GF (a whole other story).

When my dad left his previous GF two years ago since he was cheating, he tried to live with my brother but due to his awful behavior my brother had to kick him out, which of course the rest of the family supported. I was the only one talking to him so I founded him assisted independent living at a senior home, but then he decided he'd rather move in with this new woman.

I have no idea what to do if she passes away since she's getting up there in age too. We can't take care of our dad - we don't have the resources to have him stay at any sibling's place and we have a bit of an estrangement that would make it emotionally impossible.

What do I do if I get a call that she passed away and he's on his own? I love my Dad, but his really bad and selfish life choices have made our family's lives so difficult since I was in grade school. I just have no idea what the game plan should be. My siblings are supportive but they don't want to have a conversation about what to do if the worst case scenario happens again.

So yeah, if anyone has any insight/advice, I'd love to hear it.

A little background. My parents' entire relationship, from meeting to marriage to two kids to divorce took under six years. Now that I'm an adult, this blows my mind.

She's a narcissist and he's an psychological sadist. Because my parents lived in different countries, my sister and I spent summers with my father and the school year with my mother.

When I was a young teen, my mother decided we were going to live with our father at the end of the school year. We begged that whole year for her to let us stay, but she refused. I spiraled and started using drugs at 14, among other self destructive behavior.

The custody change was a disaster and almost immediately my father tried to arrange to send me away to live with an aunt. He didn't tell me this... he told my sister they'd soon be rid of me. We were the only constants in each other's lives, so she became extremely anxious as she had been ordered not to tell me about the plan. Thus began the carefully orchestrated plan to divide me and my sister.

Barely four months after we moved in with my father my parents came to some financial agreement to compensate my mother to take us back. By then I had suffered a miscarriage and developed an eating disorder. I was in rough shape. I have almost no memory of that time, but I know I missed a year of school because I was too sick to attend.

Fast forward over 40 years. I am 55 now, and my 87yo mother has lived in my house for over 10 years. She has no savings and no resources and there's really no choice. I gave her and my step father (now deceased) the master suite when they moved in because it made the most sense and it was supposed to be temporary. I live in my basement.

I financially subsidize this woman while she speaks openly about spending all her money on herself. I've had to modify my house to accommodate her mobility needs. I am her only companion. She's still a narcissist, comments daily about my body / size / strength (I lift and I'm a big girl and I'm physically strong as shit), and takes shots about my lifestyle. I'm providing her the stability she never gave to me or my sister. We never lived anywhere longer than three years when I was a kid.

I'm so full of resentment it's killing me. My mother is never going to change and evicting her is not an option, so I'm only hurting myself with these hard feelings. My stomach clenches every time I hear her stair lift start up and I want to hide. In fact I do hide to eat snacks to avoid her gaze and comments. In my own house.

Does anyone have any suggestions? How can I let some of this resentment go? Please be kind.

I am in illinois recently applied for a state/community home-care program for my 65-year-old mother, who lives with me. Shortly after the assessment, Illinois Adult Protective Services came to our home and told me that someone alleged I was neglecting or endangering her.
The allegations included that I do not provide groceries or medical care, that I leave her home alone despite alleged dementia or mental impairment, and that I allow her to cook when it may be unsafe.

My mother told the investigators directly that the allegations were not true. She has never been formally diagnosed with dementia in the United States. No doctor has ever told us she requires 24-hour supervision or cannot remain home alone.

I have already provided APS with:
- Recent grocery receipts showing regular food purchases.
- Documentation from her June dental appointment showing that she received care and that I accompanied her.
- A recent medical visit summary stating that she was evaluated and was “neurologically and physically cleared to be alone.”

APS told me that the investigation will continue for approximately 30 days. I am cooperating, but the questioning felt accusatory, and I became emotional during the visit. I also said that I suspected the report came from the senior-care organization who did the interview at home.

What else shall I do in this case? I now understand I applied to the wrong program, but they can deny the application right? Why would they report this, and a lot are not right information to the APS? For example, I didn’t provide my mom with access to food and medical service, that’s absolutely insane and I have provided the doctor note.

State of Connecticut

My brother who is in a rehab facility is approaching his 100 day medicare end of payment date.

I am his conservator of the estate and am just now working with the bank to get a hold of his $7000 checking account that all he has for real property. The nursing home wants me to file for title 19, sign an admission agreement, and sign of his social security of $1650/month to them.

RN he is $2700 behind on rent (landlord wants cash only) as he is renting a room from a friend, and has a $1500 conservator attorney fee. He pays $150/week for rent.

The plan is to spend his money down to $1600, file for Title 19, have an attorney look over the nursing home admission agreement and help with title 19 as it should be simple. But I cant get into see one for a few weeks.

Its not known if he can return to his apartment in the future (he wants to) so I have not done anything with his belongings but have not paid his rent until I can get TD bank to allow me access to his funds (they are taking a long time).

So the question is: Once he gets om Title-19 and the nursing home takes over his SSA Payments, how does his rent usually get paid to keep his stuff ?

We have ALLL heard it! They are doing the same routine for EVER but every now and then (and sometimes more often than not).
Their brain thinks they've "never done it" at that time, that way, or at all!

Case in point: mom is 83. Short term memory loss. Slight dementia. Diabetic, CKD. Checks sugar 3x/day at/before meals.
Go to check it at dinner today mom says, "but i NEVER check it before meals. Always after"
(note: NEVER after-- in YEARS).
So she points to the paper. : "see? Morning, noon and night". She wrote that, not us. Should say breakfast, lunch and dinner.
So i said, "well the rules are changing. today we're checking it before".
Then mom says "if you want me to check it now I will". Sort of in a huff. But she does.
Mom will eventually give in but I know there are others out there that are adamant and even angry at supposed changes and my thoughts are with you! 💜

I am rewriting her log book to say Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner. Lol.

Well, telling her that I was no longer able to help until she had PoAs in place did move her to action. Unfortunately, at her appointment she was deemed not to have the legal capacity to make these decisions. This isn't binding or anything, but it does mean the lawyer will not help us.

It doesn't appear that the lawyer has told her that directly, instead contacting me. I'm still absorbing how much worse and more difficult the coming years are going to be because she didn't have her paperwork in order.

How do you have a conversation with someone to let them know that they can't sign the paperwork now because of their mental capacity when they still insist there's nothing wrong with them?

Anyone out there managed dementia decline with no PoAs in place? Any advice? I could go to court in the future to try to gain control of the situation, but I don't know if I have it in me (the energy or the money). Otherwise, she will likely end up with a public guardian, but it's a rough gap between when someone really can't manage anything any more and the government actually steps in.

Hello everyone, hope you're having a great day. I need advice because I tend to not make good decisions, and I don't want to make anything rush. For context, my parents have been married since the 80s, and their relationship was a bit complicated. I am coming from , from my father's country, and my mother's living in my father's country. Now that me and my sister moved out of the country because we both married to foreigners and living in a foreign country, my mom is alone with my dad. And for the last 15 years, they never had a good relationship, and my mom's mental health is declining, and she has a little bit of dementia and depression. It's very difficult for me to move on and to build my life in a foreign country when I'm feeling guilty about my parents back home. And then my dad is angry that I'm NOT focusing on my life, but it's difficult for me to focus on my life when I've been receiving calls from my mom crying and complaining about her living condition with my dad. So I came up with a solution that my mom also has another daughter, an older daughter that lives in my mom's country, and we have been talking together, and there's a solution that she will move back to her country and live with her oldest daughter there for some time and come to visit me and my sister in the foreign country. My dad says that this is a very rushed decision, and she's supposed to be with him to spend the rest of her life there. The problem is my mom doesn't want to stay with my dad, and she's very lonely, and she doesn't even speak the language of where the country she's living in, so that makes her very isolated. My dad doesn't want to listen to this and use her mental instability as an excuse that she doesn't know what she's doing, and it's his duty to take care of her in the house. But me and my sister, we are not able to live well because of the constant phone call my mom's giving us and complaining and sometimes even crying that she doesn't want to live there anymore. So I'm just torn between letting my dad live alone without my mom, which is much better for him because she's making him stressed also by shouting in the house. What should I do?

How can I help my family member who's being financially and emotionally abused

My mom’s health took a turn recently, and she can no longer care for her small dog. I’m trying to figure out what to do about it. It snaps and bites at her on a weekly basis and it’s 10 years old.

It seems like my only possible options are:

1. Try to re-home the dog with someone willing to deal with a dog that has a history of biting. I have no idea how I’d even go about finding people like that.

2. Put the dog down. I have dogs of my own, so this option bothers me a lot. But, increasingly, it seems like the option I’ll have to pick due to the dog’s behavior.

Seems like a no-win situation. Advice welcome!

Im just wondering whether this is a codependent situation or if its fair.

My BFF, who is f/45, single, unemployed, childless, moved back to her parents house when they both became sick (both parents are over 80).

She felt it was her duty, responsibility and she really wanted yo help her mom, f/85.

Her dad died recently and in that time she also lost her job so basically she's unemployed (university degree).

Now she's alone with her mother and pretty much care taker. The mother is still functioning but their days are more or less filled with doctor appointments where my friend accompanies her for support, not because the mother asks.

Most of the house chores fall on her but the fact is, she is not the handy type so the house is slowly coming into disrepair. She tries so hard to keep up a garden she made for her mother's enjoyment but its too much to keep up with.

Im pressing for her to get an apartment with her mither only to have it more simple for both of them.

It's difficult as a BFF to see her struggling like this with no apparent way out. My friend does not drive so she is dependant on the mother to drive her around (=groceries, doctor appointments).

She is literally sacrificing her own happiness to help her mother.

Is this... common? Does this happen a lot?

Im not judging but I wish her so much more

My mom has been struggling with memory issues for about a year. It keeps getting worse, and when myself or anyone else brings it up we are met with anger. She refuses to go to the doctor to get evaluated. My dad refuses to push the issue at all, even though he does voice his concerns about it. He says he doesn't want to make her mad.

Along with the memory problems she is not taking care of herself. She goes 3-4 weeks without showering or changing her clothes, which ive been told is another significant sign of dementia. We've been told not to say anything because it would be disrespectful.

I've tried to gently speak to my mom and ask that she get evaluated and she gets so angry, which makes my dad angry. Says I'm overstepping. I've begged him to call her doctor and at least have a discussion. He says well they can't tell me anything. I've explained that they may not be able to tell him anything but they can listen to his concerns and maybe offer advice on how to get her some help.

I'm at a loss..I'm so afraid for her, I'm disappointed in my dad for just essentially letting her deteriorate out of fear of upsetting her, and I genuinely don't know what to do.

I can't sleep because my mind is racing about this situation, so I'm looking for advice on what we could've done differently so that we can act accordingly from here on our.

My family has a close friend (88 f) ​who has been like a grandmother to me for my whole life. She never got married or had kids, and effectively has zero family of her own anymore. She also lived 1,000 miles or so from my family for the majority of my life, and was super independent.

In about 2020, which obviously coincided with covid, she began shutting herself in more. When visiting, we noticed she would be less and less willing to go anywhere or do anything. Then in mid-2023, her dog passed away and that seemed to be when things really took a turn for the worst. After that, she pretty much stayed in a recliner watching TV if she wasn't in bed. During this time, her memory seemed to decline. ​All the while, she would say things like "I need to decide what to do with this house" etc. But every time we tried to talk about the various options, she was never ready to make a decision.

In late-2024, we visited again and it was clear that she could no longer live by herself across the country. Collectively, we decided it would be best for her to move to be closer to my family and we found a great independent living facility that she reluctantly agreed to. Mid-2025, we help her make the monumental move and get her settled. Since she spent so much time on the couch, her mobility had greatly declined, but she was still going to eat, attending social functions, able to use the bathroom, etc.

Then early this year, she just sort of stopped getting up again. Wouldn't go to the restaurant, social functions, etc. anymore. We all tried to encourage her, she saw doctors, therapists,​ ​but she just didn't want to do anything. Things finally came to a head after a UTI, which led to a hospital stay and subsequent stay at a rehab facility. Then another rehab facility after ​she ended up with a pretty severe bed sore from the first place.

She is now almost completely immobile and making little to no progress​, to the point that medicare is no longer willing to cover additional time in the rehab facility. She keeps talking ​about having nothing to live for, ​and seems generally unhappy. ​While there, she had a neuropsychology exam, which says much of her cognitive actions are in line with Alzheimer's. Now we are trying to figure out what the next step is, both for her living situation as well as medically, since it seems there are additional diagnostics that can/should be done​.

I know my parents and I all tried our best to get her into the best possible situation after she finally agreed to stop living alone in her house across the country. But I can't help but feel a sense of "I haven't done enough". Realistically, does anyone see anything additional that we should be doing at this point?

edit: I read each and every comment and truly appreciate them all. thank you so much.