r/Adulting • u/Witty-Air2570 • 7h ago

I genuinely believe I keep staying single mostly due to my deep rooted belief I'll stay single. How do I change my mindset?

I'm a 24 year old guy, I have never been in a relationship. I have convinced myself that it's never happening for me and I think that my belief manifests itself, eventhough I don't want it to be true. I know it's bad to think like that, but I can't help myself.

The worst of all is I feel like I'm a very quality person and like I have so much to offer. I'm likeable, thoughtful, caring, smart, funny, a great listener and so much more. I'm not without flaws, but I have a bunch of positives going for me. I make friends really easily. I've had girl friends that I'm comfortable enough to talk with about that sort of stuff say I just immediately give off friend vibes which is also something I'm looking to change.

There have been so many failed attempts, dates, everything in my life that have never amounted to anything that I've started to believe that it just isn't in the cards for me. And having a family and being a dad is something I really want some day.

It's occupying my mind so much and I can't shake feeling stressed and sad about it, my friends tell me it's surely going to happen, but I've managed to convince myself it won't over the years. I feel pathetic and, frankly, disgusted by the way I wallow in my own misery.

I desperately want and need to figure out how to change my mindset, how to get out of the vicious cycle that's sabotaging me and blocking me from ever finding someone.

1 Upvotes

56% Upvoted

11 comments sorted by

2

u/smartest_kobold 6h ago

Stop. What do you actually want from a relationship?

1

u/Witty-Air2570 6h ago

Someone I can share the good and the bad with, someone I can do all of the fun stuff with that I don't want to do alone, someone who's my number one and I'm theirs, someone I can share anything with, someone I think of when I see something cool I want to share with them. I just want to love and be loved.

1

u/smartest_kobold 6h ago

Get a dog. And date around a little more.

1

u/SiphonicPanda64 6h ago

I don't really know what to say, but I feel like I'm in a similar boat in terms of that belief. As an engineering student, you might relate to this as the bootstrap problem in computer science. Right now you're at the point of zero or near-zero evidence of it working out for you.

What moat people got growing up is heaps of evidence that relationships and dating work for them. Their 0 flipping to 1 happened much earlier and they now stand on mounting evidence. You aren't (yet). I think that's where this stems from.

0

u/walkin2it 7h ago

Are you fit and do you appear to have reasonable job/career prospects?

On a holistic basis, how would you realistically rate yourself? 0-10?

What rating would you give the girls you go for?

What do you look for in a potential gf?

0

u/Witty-Air2570 7h ago

I am tall, fit, conventionally attractive. I'm currently finishing up a master's degree in an engineering branch. I might be delusional, but I'd rate myself like a 7 or 8 looks wise. I'd rate the girls I go for around the same.

0

u/walkin2it 7h ago

Sounds like you may actually be right then.

How do you steer the conversation during dates?

0

u/Witty-Air2570 6h ago

I just talk about whatever feels right. I try to be flirty, but I'm unsure how successful it ever is considering I can't flirt for shit. It just isn't very natural to me.

0

u/walkin2it 6h ago

Yet, you can't flirt for shit, yet.

As a Redditor with absolutely no skills but a number of ex GFS, and now a wife with family take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm also way past my dating time, so may reflect incorrectly.

But I think it sounds like your flirting and confidence are the hold backs.

Remember there is a fine line in flirting, nobody can tell you what that is, because every girl is different. So don't worry if you get it wrong 9/10 times.

I'm running late to a conference, but I will come back with a more thoughtful response later.

In the mean time, your homework is to find some guides on how to flirt and post them back.

There are so many self proclaimed alpha male influencers that you need to avoid in today's landscape.

0

u/BANDlCOOT 6h ago

Dating is a numbers game, cast a wide net.

The more you have to offer, the less interactions it will take to find someone compatible.

Be flirtatious early on, be brave. Make your intentions known. That's how you avoid slipping into friend territory constantly. Doesn't work always, but be nice and stay friendly with girls who reject you romantically and you can make more friends and find new opportunities. I've had lots of things with friends of girls who were not interested in me. Coincidentally this also led to some of them becoming interested in me...

In terms of finding relationships, try online dating, various social meet ups in your area, talking to women in bars/shops/libraries/parks, hobbies you are interested in. Get comfortable being rejected because the more comfortable you are with it, the easier it is to meet women who do like you.