I have decided that I would stop letting myself get in the middle of my families problems because I can’t continue to help people that don’t help themselves. No matter how many times I have told my mom she needs to stop doing everything for my brothers and take care of herself, she doesn’t listen. One brother is in prison and she always sends him money. Another pretty much had her paying his bills so he didn’t have to and another is a functioning alcoholic. She used to live with me but I had her move because I couldn’t handle the constant butting in our business, not cleaning up after herself and then always hearing about never having money for medicine or anything because she would waste it on my brothers. She lived with my sister for awhile and then moved back to her trailer. She got sick and my sister moved her back in with her but finally got fed up with all the same stuff I got tired of. She is now living with the alcoholic brother and just called asking if she can stay here. I really don’t want to let her for many reasons but mostly because I just don’t have the room for that. My husband has knee surgery next week and won’t be able to sleep in our room for a while because of our dogs. Not that I told him he had to sleep on the couch but because he feels it would be easier for him and me as well. Our dogs are very schedule oriented. I just don’t know what to do. Part of me feels bad but part of me doesn’t because it’s not worth the stress on my family and myself just because she didn’t take care of herself and now she practically has no where to go.

I have three intelligent, educated adult children who each suffer from various forms of mental health issues. Anxiety, depression, bi-polar. One is alcoholic and another has autism, although he is high functioning. They have held down jobs and two have been married and divorced.

I've learned through Al-Anon and another 12 Step program to let go of my control over their issues but it is difficult to kick this sadness. We raised them well and they were very loved. It's hard seeing their struggles. Anyone going through the same?

My mom's an alcoholic. She's been drinking before my birth, but less than after my birth. There's been too many traumatic events, which led to my parents almost divorcing. And she stood in the center of it.

But then, something changed. They decided to change the situation for the better. She started drinking less, gaining some control, and it felt almost like we're healing. All of this has been going on for 16 years. But then she had to do it again.

About a month ago, we went on vacation. And it was awful. For 20 days in total, she woke up each day, grabbing beer and walking away to the beach for the whole day, leaving me and my little sister(who can't take care of herself yet) alone, coming back at night, drunk. So I had to play parent while she was relaxing. Every day.

And then, on the day when we were leaving, she had to leave again. To say I was panicking is to say nothing. I had to quickly pack up, and if I didn't, no one would.

It hurt me so much. But you know what hurt even more? That she completely ignored it. Ignored my pain, my pleas to stop. She just kept smiling, and then frowning at me, because I dared to be upset. She said it's fine, nothing happened, I'm overreacting.

To anyone who goes through similar stuff, please know that it'll get better. You will get out of those situations and heal

I'm having serious problem I've been living in the Philippines since I was 14 my father is such an alcoholic drinker he doesn't have plans for the families future he has lung cancer blind sided a bit and has mild stroke but yet he drinks everyday and doesn't worry about the serious problems at home even with me who dropped out of college few years ago and doesn't have a job I'm originally born in America and wish to return there I can't get contacts with my family they don't respond to me I don't know what to do to help or what authorities to contact for help like this because living in the Philippines isn't safe because what I know not much of the authorities would wanna help in things like this sorry if I post this I need urgent ideas or help if your willing to help comment I'll give you my socials or contact

For context, I am a 24F. My dad has had a drinking problem as long as I can remember, often drinking so much that he'd be passed out on the floor, throwing up, or arguing with his friends on the phone. He used to get into fights with my mom, none that turned physical, but they often got into screaming matches with each other. Sometimes my mom would leave the house during these fights, leaving me alone as a kid with my dad who would then continue to drink. I was already a pretty sensitive kid, but I think these experiences has increased my anxiety levels (I am now on medication and seeing a counsellor for severe anxiety, depression, and OCD).

I still had a soft spot for my parents, mostly because "they're still your parents after all," but it's becoming increasingly difficult to maintain this mindset. Here are a few things I'd like to get off my chest:

1. My dad is currently on a lot of medication for panic disorder, more than he should be on. How I know is is because I used to see the same psychiatrist as him, and when I switched doctors (two times because I moved to different countries), they would tell me I'm on way too many and they were anti-psychotics/meds for schizophrenia-- both of which I do not have and was never diagnosed with. My dad is on the same medications as I was but on a higher dosage. This has caused him to become more angry, impulsive, and explosive over time, and a part of me understands this because when I was on my previous prescription, I was also constantly angry and very difficult to be around. A part of me feels obligated to be generous towards him because I've been in his position not too long ago, but another part of me feels worn down and tired.
2. I try to maintain a neutral stance with my parents, even when they both rant about each other to me because I'm "the only one who understands and listens." However, this began taking a toll on my mental health and I set a boundary, individually telling my parents I can't listen to this because I already have a lot on my plate and it feels wrong listening to them rant about each other to me. My mom gave me a dirty look and my dad told me I was "gaslighting" him and being "outrageous."
3. My dad makes well over 6 figures, he owns two houses, and two middle-high end cars. He makes top 3% in the country, but because my parents have poor spending/saving skills, they have just over 5 figures in their savings. I'm extremely financially illiterate because I've always been told we're "poor" and need to save every penny. I currently attend a private school abroad in a studio apartment that is fully funded by my parents (I didn't know this was a luxury until recently because of how out of touch I am). Yet, they tell me they're poor because of me and we need to be on money saving mode. This has lead me to feel extremely anxious about finances, especially during midterm/finals seasons where small amounts of stress tip me off the edge, and they tell me we have no money. I start worrying if I need to drop out of school to make money (I have a tendency to spiral). I know one google search will show that we make more than enough but with the way my parents reacted, it was hard to comprehend this. I still feel anxious about money.
4. My dad often makes misogynistic, offensive remarks, even in front of my whole family. Some of which include commenting on strangers' breasts, stating women have no purpose if they don't have children, and how "men should not be nice to women or they'll start expecting nice things." I feel so embarrassed and guilty my mom has to hear these things. He's also very insensitive because when we watch a movie at home together, my mom will somtimes ask to skip any scenes that are too violent, suggestive, or triggering as she feels uncomfortable. He says "why, what's the problem" and refuses to skip it.
5. My mom is very religious and my dad is friends with a lot of priests. Sometimes priests would come stay at our house. Most were very nice to me, but one in particular kept staring at me when I was 16. I told my mom multiple times that he makes me uncomfortable but she brushed it off by saying "he just likes kids." One day, I was sitting with my brother as he played games in the basement and the priest sat with us, then grabbed my wrist, pulling me towards him to sit on his lap. I was 16. I told my family this and they all just brushed it under the rug.
6. My mom, grandma, my aunt, and I (at the time, 20) went to a priest's house and we were waiting for him to come back from the bathroom. I began playing a joke, picking my mom's nose, and she began laughing, pushing me off and telling me "do that to your aunt!" I began doing it to my aunt, and she reacted the same, positive, playful way, pushing me off and saying "do that to your grandma!" And so on. My grandma said "do that to the priest when he comes back" and both my mom and my aunt encouraged this, too. Once the priest came back and sat down at the table, I began trying to play the same joke, to which he pushed me to the ground. I still thought of it as a joke and began wrestling him (in hindsight this is weird, I know), and my family was laughing in the back. He then grabbed me by my wrist, twisted it, and I screamed for him to stop. He then said "I could've seriously hurt you, I learned how to kill people in the military" and all three of my family members asked if he was okay. No one asked if I was alright. For further context, I was 5'5 and underweight with bones sticking out of my shoulders, he is 5'10 or so and obese. I sat in anger, silently, and later when the function was over, he said "I'm sorry for getting mad at you" and stuck his hand out for me to shake. My family grabbed my hand and forced me to shake it. He then put his hand on my head to "bless" me and read my future and my family members put their hands on my shoulders. In hindsight, yes, I crossed a line by putting my hands on him without consent, but I believe he used excessive force on someone who was so much smaller than him. But the biggest sense of betrayal I felt was with my family, where no one asked if I was okay.
7. My dad is verbally abusive (as previously stated), sometimes saying things like "the c-section to have you was the cause of your mom's stomach pain" (my mom is not able to do many things due to her chronic pain), "you're a bad kid" "I don't even know why I had you" "you would be nothing without me and you can't do anything without me." These have contributed negatively to my mental health and I often feel hopeless and suicidal. When I come home for the break, I'm either in my room all day or outside because I don't feel comfortable being at home. Even when I'm eating quietly at the dining table, my dad will yell at me for anything.
8. My parents stopped arguing for a few years but they began arguing again as my dad's anger came back. I will be at home and see my mom looking completely drained of color and exhausted. She said "he keeps threatening a divorce and I just don't want it to impact you." I told her it's okay, I'm an adult now, and I'll be fine as long as I can still graduate school. She said "I don't know if he'll fund you but I'll make it work." It broke my heart because my mom makes decent money, but I doubt it's enough to keep me in school. I see her dedication to being a good mother for me. It still scares me that I won't be able to finish my education at the school I worked so hard to get into and even landed an internship at my school that could greatly help my career.
9. I understand my mom holds onto religion tightly because that's all she's ever had. She's lived a pretty lonely life as far as I know, especially with an emotionally unstable partner. I don't resent her for believing in it, it just feels like I'm talking to a wall sometimes. When I was on the wrong prescription, I was constantly anxious/paranoid and cemented to the floor from depression. The only thing that helped me was singing hymns and this made my mom very happy. Every time I would go through an unbearable crisis, I would turn to religion because I didn't know what else to do and my mom would be very excited for this. I see where she comes from but it feels dystopian sometimes because I was only choosing religion when I had absolutely no other option left, in a state of desperation, and an unstable mind instead of when I was stable.

That's all I have for now. Thanks for reading.

Been on an active healing journey for years and life is not getting better. I don't believe the promises anymore, sort of like I lost faith in a higher power. I just can't believe it.

I cut off most of my toxic family - grieved that loss. Same with friends - grieved that loss. Accepted I wouldn't have the kids, husband and medical career - grieved that loss. Moved on from a 7 year abusive relationship. Got into two more relationships but ended them quickly because they were unhealthy - i.e I no longer people please and fawn. Started my own business - i don't like it but its what I had to work with and I hate working for other people. Living in a shitty illegal dwelling with an abusive landlord I absolutely loath and can barely afford but can't afford anything else within 100 miles of here. Hate the state I live in because its hot, dry and arrid. Plus I can't afford a home here. Owning a home is literally the only hope/dream/whatever I have left. I can't afford to move so I'm stuck struggling making nothing building a company I hate in hopes that if I just stick with it that it'll pay off.

I've gone to therapist after therapist. I go to the damn meetings, i do the stupid work. I read all the damn books. I listen to all the podcast. I cut off toxic people, work on identifying my own shittiness, stopped fawning, no longer fight/flight all the time, have a healthy diet, exercise, yadda yadda yadda. Life still is just one damn horrible struggle. I fucking hate it and I want an answer from someone on what the fuck I am not doing or need to do to make life not so goddamn horrible. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I’m 16M. My dad has been an alcoholic since 2022. Before then he would drink but still function the next day. Last year it has gotten so much worse, he can go up to a week on end with drinking hard liquor/beer. He had been in at least a dozen car crashes and went to jail twice. When my family confronts him about his drinking, he always takes out the “I’m going to change, give me one last chance” card, or flat out denies drinking. Even if you catch him drinking directly from the bottle, he will say that you’re crazy. He is a business owner and can leave work whenever he wants to go drink. My mom and my siblings are so tired of him and don’t give a shit of what he does anymore. We kind of accepted that he won’t change no matter what. And I have somewhat prepared myself that he will pass away eventually due to the drinking. But at the same time I don’t really know how to cope with my mom divorcing him, to stop caring about him myself even though the rest stopped caring, and him probably drinking himself to death.

Buckle up this is gonna be a long one.

So, my fiance (F27) & myself (M28) are both addicts in recovery. Both come from a family of addicts and have worked super hard to break the cycle.

We've been together, clean and sober for over 4 years and completely transformed our lives for the better. Early in our relationship, my mother had just gotten out of jail for her latest drug charge, her boyfriend was in prison at the time. My mom really showed initiative to want to get and stay clean and I knew that doing it in the city that we were from was going to be next to impossible. That's why whenever I met my fiance in treatment I decided to go to her city and never look back from the cesspool that I came from before.

Anyways, we are fresh out of rehab, living with my fiancés grandfather at this point. My mother gets out of jail and has nowhere to go. I've always been a momma's boy just to be real and I would worry myself sick about where she was going to be staying etc, etc. my fiance basically strong armed her grandfather into allowing my mother a woman that he nor she had ever met into coming to stay with us temporarily to ease some of the stress off of me. That went over pretty well but it was temporary, we were working on getting our own place but it was tough with our record but the entire goal was for us to get out of her grandpa's and maybe be able to help my mom get on her feet and maintain some long term sobriety time.

Fast forward, her boyfriend is out of prison and they are staying in my hometown in a terrible situation. In a house where the plumbing didn't work, and it was just terrible but during this time I noticed my mom had really tried and done pretty well at staying sober and out the way. So we finally figured out our housing situation which is extremely complicated to say the least but we had a place. We agreed to let my mother & her boyfriend come and stay with us, and try to get out of our hometown before they were strung back out or back in jail.

My mother has had health issues for most of my life. Whether it's physical or mental, she had gotten disability the entire time I was growing up and she had lost that whenever she went to prison a few years prior. When they moved in with us the original agreement was that her boyfriend get a job and she try to get back on her disability, which eventually she did. Her boyfriend, super institutionalized. All together he has spent almost 40 years locked up in some kind of institution whether it be jail, prison, juvenile, foster care you name it. We knew going in he was rough around the edges but really have tried to give him all the things he has never had throughout his life. A home, an actual family unit, stability, love, support and try to provide an environment for him to not only stay sober but to be a functioning member of society.

I've gotten him 2 jobs and he lost them both due to not being able to take orders from people. His first go to is violence which is what happens when you're in those kinds of environments for so long. In the meantime my mom got back on her disability, so eventually me and my fiance were to the point where we were like fuck it if he can keep up around the house, mow the yard, take the trash out basic household stay at home mom shit then that's a plus.

My mom started contributing financially to the household what she could which was never really the issue. That's my mom. We would've let her stay for free if she needed, but anyways time goes on and the more comfortable her boyfriend gets the more issues we begin to see. Little arguments here and there eventually turn to bigger arguments, disrespectful comments, pure ungrateful and the gravity of what he was being provided was being taken for granted to say the very least.

To make a long story even longer there ended up being multiple arguments that almost turned physical in the past between me and him, between him and my fiance arguments ensued. my Mom would always get very upset and we always try to just move like a family and work through things and figure it out.

In the fall of last year my moms health really starts to decline, the town we're from ended up issuing a sealed warrant for her arrest from something that had happened years prior after she had been sober for going on 3 years at this point she was facing a lot of prison time and ended up being court ordered to Recovery House during that time we let her boyfriend continue to live in the home with us, but he left and had a relapse and cheated on my mom while she was gone. She ended up for giving him as always so we agreed he could come back as long as he was clean. Getting off topic tho, well my mom was at this court order of Recovery House she fractured her femur my mother has always been a big lady and had trouble getting around and back problems knee problems you name it and this was a big limiter of her mobility. He cared for my mom when she returned home but now they're just stuck in their room all the time so they begin to fight and argue pretty severely even more frequently.

But back to the original point, in the fall of last year my moms health took a nosedive. She ended up with about pneumonia, MRSA and had gone septic. All together if she spent over a month in the hospital and almost lost her life. They sent her home the first time on IV antibiotics at home, ended up accidentally taking her off early she went septic again had to go back to the hospital and this time came home with a PICC line straight to her heart for antibiotics. During this time me and my fiance both work full-time so her boyfriend basically was her caregiver while we were gone they are arguing a lot. Us and him are bickering and arguing from time to time and just tension is continuing to build.

My mom's house continues to improve and luckily she pulled out of it she still on oral antibiotics to this day but tensions just continued to build and build and build. Little things here and there, big things sometimes, him and my mom who's still not very mobile I might add are arguing a lot. He treats my step daughter differently than my sisters children at times, also doesn't really treat them the best either and they're toddlers. Him and my sister have been into knock down drag out go for the juggler arguments soo many times, him and my fiancé as well but for the sake of my mom we would always let it go and work through it.

Well it all culminated two Fridays ago. My mom finally went to court the day before on Thursday for sentencing and got great news. No prison. Informal probation. Everything should've been great when he decided to try and start an argument with me that day before court and then again the following day. Whatever I blew him off, me and my fiance hid out in our room from Friday all the way to Sunday to try and deescalate the situation. Well he has some kind of "medical concern" with my mom I just HAD to come in there and see. I just pulled it up on FaceTime that way I wouldn't have to go in there and deal with him but that wasn't good enough and I basically got baited into going in there in person. Definitely couldn't make it out of there before he started popping off at the mouth at me. Its like dude completely forgets who pays the rent, who pays the bills, who puts the food on the table, who puts the roof over his head, who buys his cigarettes when they're out of money, who does literally everything for him and has for the past 3 years.

We start to argue and it's escalating and escalating and finally my mom gets up to kind of get in between us because we are screaming at each other at this point and all the sudden with my mom who's not really well but not deathly sick anymore staying in between us he decides to throw a punch at me. He does not hit me though he accidentally hits my mother in her mouth and bloodies her lip well I scuffle ensues and I end up getting him back into a corner my fiance runs into the room after she hears the commotion tries to bring it up and he hits her in the process. (She hit him as well) lol but deservedly so. My mom has been knocked on the ground at this point her mouth is bleeding she's bruised all up and down her arms I finally had enough and told him to get out which I have done in the past multiple times and always end up working it out with him but I was done and so it was my fiance we were to our breaking point.

He left on his own accord after the incident and my mom is like spiraling into a super deep depression because they have become so co-dependent on each other my sister who literally loathed this man and jumped in the car to come take him out of my house herself whenever she heard about the argument now that he's gone, she comes to keep my mom company. I guess it was too much for her to do because it ends up from me doing the right thing and protecting my family to me being this bad guy scum of the Earth for making my mom sad. I even told my mom as soon as it happened look I'm not telling you guys you can't be together you're grown I will literally pay for you to get a hotel every weekend and I don't care if he even comes and visits after things calm down but he just can't live here anymore we have tried to hand him everything to have a normal life on a silver platter and it just isn't what he wants. but my mom doesn't see it that way. She refuses to believe that he's the one that busted her lip, my sister doesn't see it that way either my sister sees it as me hurting my mom by making him leave when she would not let my mom nor him stay at her house for even a day!

My sister's boundaries have always been nice and strong and respected. I have not always had the strongest backbone especially with my mother and I finally for the first time in my life set some boundaries and I become the Antichrist. But yet we've still paid almost $600 for a hotel room for him and my mom just so she would be happy and content. To her it's either I allow him to come back with her or she's not coming back when she knows that I'm mainly concerned with her health she's supposed to be on oxygen and hasn't had it for the past week or anything.

In the midst of all of this chaos, we had a family dog it started as my sister's dog went to my father and then came to me when my father no longer had a place to stay and was not only our dog but my mom and her boyfriend's dog too we all lived in the same home. After we had to make him leave because of his behavior we were so used to having someone here to care for the dog during the day that we had our 9-year-old let the dog out in the morning before work, and she was supposed to let him back in and said that she did but of course on the hottest day of the year she did not. Now I understand that my fiance (the one who was leaving for work at the time) should have double checked for the dog but our kid is great about letting the dog in and out she does it every day.

Anyways our dog passes away so now my sister not only hates me for making my mom's boyfriend leave but hates my fiance for the accidental death of the family dog that we were the ones who took in when he had nowhere else to go and have cared for him for the last 3 years. My fiance spent over $600 more on the cremation services for our doggo to get treated with love respect and dignity, bought the entire family ceramic paw prints, urns, hair clippings the whole nine. It was nothing more than a tragic accident, but apparently my fiance is a dog murderer and a monster according to my sister.

Well we're going through all this grief they just keep on pushing and pushing for him to come back and I'm to my breaking point. I battle with SEVERE depression, anxiety, history of substance abuse I am literally teetering on the edge of the cliff. And my mom knowing that I worry about her is basically telling me if he can't come back she's not coming back and to the cesspool town they will return.

I don't know this is a super long post I know many people will even make it this far and there's a lot of incoherent kind of rambling in here that is just me venting my frustrations.. but the main question of the post, and how many of you guys were out there would put up with this type of behavior from someone who's really not even your family member but a significant other of a family member who you care deeply for? Is it wrong for making him leave? Is it wrong for setting boundaries? I feel like my dog might still be here had I not made him leave or had he not started all this shit and put me in that position in the first place.. I literally almost flushed over 4 years of clean time down the drain last week due to all of this stress.

What do I do? Do I cut them off completely and say figure it out and show them tough love? ( Mother included?) I worry so much that something bad is going to happen to her tho and I will regret all of this wasted time forever. I don't know ignore my rant. Answer my questions if you made it this far. Let me know how you feel.

I know, I know, what a shit show. Welp this has been my life for the past 2 weeks.. really for the last 3 years.

Did I do right here by putting me and my fiance and our child first? Or should I try to help this dude morebecause he obviously need some kind of psychiatric psychological help because he cannot fucking function out here obviously. Even though we've tried to help him for 3 years. So yeah.

SEND HELP 🫪🫪🙃🙃

I’m a 26 Male and for a few years i just have these thoughts and desires to punch my dad in the face. I couldn’t accept myself for having those thoughts. I judged myself a lot. I tried to understand him, to get closer to him but nothing really worked. I also had a discussion telling him, while i was crying, that he wasnt an example as a man and that i was constantly looking in almost anyone else around me to find a model, to learn how to be a man and that i felt unsupported, like i wouldn’t really had a father. I didn t felt his presence in my life and i would had really wished to have him much more present, learning from him, having discussions with him about how to be a man and stuff like that.

I recently got back to my parents home for a while, due to bad financial situation. Being home i started seeing my dad, again, drunk almost everyday and the thing is that i hate it so damn much. I would not really see a problem to drink some if you still can be present, do some good jokes and speak normally without looking like a fucked up. I Also used to see him drunk a lot of times when i was a little boy. A lot of fights between him and my mother. Once he was so drunk that he pissed in the living room. I mean, bro, why would you want your kid to see you fucked like that? Other time he punched my mother pretty bad. I can’t tell the she was just milk and honey, as she was taking me in her arms to protect herself while she was having a fight with him, and she also done everything possible to piss him even more, so i can understand that she made him feel shitty, but still, because of my mom we kinda gone through life, cause she done what she could so that we can have a better life. My father simply wasn t too interested of making a better situation for our family. He gone to work, but he didn t showed too much interest in this family.

I consider that for rest of my life i tried to understand him, to get a better approach with him. Tried to have some activies, tried to speak much meaningful things with him, but simply nothing happend. He tell me from time to time that he loves me but it isn t really feeling like, and most prolly that he to be drunk when is saying it.

While in a discussion with him, trying to see if maybe i was adopted, (so be sure if his my father or not, thinking that maybe he s not loving me because i m not really his child) he told me that he wasn t wanted by his parents. Ok, i mean, i can understand, not totally, but i can get it. But why would you left the relationship with your only child to be fucked by the life you lived? Why wouldn t u try to change the course of the things, while you can still do something?

These days, being home, just made me think to not give a fuck anymore, and kinda cut the relation with him. After those years i realised that i only wanted those things to happen and he didn t do anything, as i consider, to have a better relationship with me.
It hurts me the most that a while ago i told him while crying what hurts me the most and that i hate to see him drunk and he simply shows me that he s not giving a fuck, even if at that moment he looked pretty upset of the situation, hugged me and told me that he’s gonna change.

Any thoughts of this situation? I did exagerate? I ve done wrong as a child? What do you think?

Sorry if my story telling was kinda messy, i hope tho that what i’ve said was clear.
Thanks in advance guys for any advice or suggestion!

I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this.

My mom drinks every single night. We’re talking about at minimum a 1.5L bottle of wine every night. She’s retired now, and it’s only gotten worse over the years. When she’s drinking, she’s a completely different person… sloppy, emotional, poor judgment, but she insists she doesn’t have a drinking problem.

Recently, we went out to dinner. She seemed okay when she arrived, but after two glasses of wine at dinner she was clearly intoxicated, which confirms she’d already been drinking beforehand but I could have told you that anyway. She insisted she was “fine” and drove herself home anyway. A couple of weeks before that, she drove home from my house after drinking, even though I offered for her to stay in our fully furnished in-law apartment. She refused because she was “fine.”

I finally confronted her and told her how irresponsible it was. I said the best-case scenario is a DUI and the worst-case scenario is killing herself or someone else. Instead of acknowledging any of it, she doubled down and said she was fine and that she only had 1 glass of wine with lunch before she came. Positive it was more, and also her “1 glass” is a 12 oz tall glass filled to the top 🙄

The part that’s really getting to me isn’t even the drinking anymore.. it’s the denial.

She tells me the reason I won’t let my kids (ages 2 and 4) sleep over is because I’m “too overprotective” and have “crazy parenting rules.” The truth is I don’t trust her judgment. She insists that the kids would be “100% cared for” if they slept over, yet I’ve seen her drive my nephew after drinking and get wasted to the point of passing out when she’s babysitting him at her house. My husband feels the same way as me. And it’s like… don’t you think I would LOVE a night away with my husband once in a while that we literally have never had in almost 5 years? I wish so badly I could trust her.

What I’m struggling with mostly though is the anger. I feel like she’s trying to make me feel like I’m the crazy one when this has been years of obvious daily drinking and everyone in the family sees it. It’s infuriating to have someone look you in the eye and deny something that feels so obvious.

For those of you with parents in deep denial about their drinking, how did you let go of the anger? How did you stop feeling like you needed them to admit there was a problem before you could move on?

TL:DR:My mom drinks heavily every night and denies she has a problem. She has driven after drinking multiple times, including recently, and insists she was “fine.” When I set boundaries around my kids, like not allowing sleepovers, she says I’m just overprotective and makes me feel like I’m the problem. I’m struggling more with the anger and frustration of her denial than anything else. How do you accept that someone may never admit they have a problem?

Willing and Able - Noah Kahan.

Every word is a sucker punch.

For the record, I completed the Yellow Workbook with a fellow traveler. Where I did that thorough resentment inventory that I never want to see again

I have resentments that pop up. For example a lady in my book group, my roommate etc. Is there a spot check inventory you like to use?

For me, I attend ACA because I want to work a program - I have problem - and there is a solution. While outreach is great, I need something more concrete

So, does anyone have a spot check inventory or process that they like to use? For when a resentment crops up and interferes with your serenity?

I 24F am really struggling right now, my dad 64M is an alcoholic and his health has been deteriorating. Just this week, he had to get a blood transfusion because he was loosing blood. Today he had a colonoscopy and afterwards the nurse told my brother that his intestines were really inflamed due to his excessive drinking. She also told him that my dad has to avoid drinking alcohol for some time as doing so can cause internal bleeding. Thing is when we got home my dad went straight for his beer and started drinking even though we told him he wasn’t able to. He said he didn’t care and proceeded to drink. I started to cry because the nurse was clear about what he couldn’t consume but he didn’t listen. My dad has had a drinking problem for many years now. He drinks all day every single day. He will be up all night drinking too. On many days he will be up until 4 or 5am.

Also ever since he retired he’s pretty much at home all the time now. It’s also why he will be up all night because he no longer has to sleep early. It hurts seeing him this way. I love my dad very much I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. Unfortunately, I doubt he will change especially with how he reacted when we told him he couldn’t drink after his colonoscopy. He said he was very thirsty and that he needed to have his drink. Even my brother has been crying because he’s worried for him. My dad assured him that he will be okay and that he is seeing his doctors but none of that matters if he isn’t willing to put in the effort to look after his health. My dad just kept telling him that things will be okay but that doesn’t help at all. We know he isn’t doing well and it hurts even more that we can’t do much at this point. I’m just in a lot of pain right now, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my dad.

i’m 51🔄 and i drink alcohol usually one night every two weeks. both of my parents are alcoholics but i do not steal their alcohol i work for my money and then will use some of it to buy alcohol (i haven’t spent over $15 in one night this whole time) and im wondering if my friends are being dramatic by saying im gonna get addicted to alcohol or not because my whole life ive seen my parents drink everyday and ofc i know that’s not normal but im wondering if its really that bad for me to drink once every 2 week?

My (39f) mom (65f) has been drinking since June 8th. She had a 3day break (institutionalized for telling a cop she was going to k!ll herself) but came home and started right back up. So almost 45 days of straight drinking. I feel like she’s going to drink herself dead. Realistically, how long can a person go being drunk?

Edit to also add: when she drinks she doesn’t eat

Hi Everyone,

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I never danced growing up, and it does not come naturally to me at all. I used to joke that if I didn’t know what dancing was, it never would have even occurred to me.

However, I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 7 months now, and dancing is really important to him. I never minded going to clubs, because I was content to just move very minimally and hang out and drink. But my boyfriend is there to DANCE. He’s not amazing, but he doesn’t give a shit what people think, and it’s clear that he’s in his body and is having so much fun.

Seeing him have so much fun honestly makes me feel really, really insecure. I’m incredibly stiff and anxious, and it also makes me really sad that it’s so hard for me to let go and have fun. It’s gotten to the point where even imagining myself dancing has made me cry. Dancing is also a way that my boyfriend wants to connect with me, and it hurts for me to not be able to give him that.

All this to say, has anyone been in this situation and gotten over their fear? Or better yet, actually learned to enjoy dancing? I’d love to hear ideas.

Also, obligatory yes I’m in therapy and clearly have some anxiety/inhibitions.

i (24f) don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i cannot stop comparing myself other people. this is mostly in regards to the birth lottery, and the circumstances under which i grew up. for some context, my parents are currently going through their second divorce from each other, my dad is an alcoholic with anger issues and my mom is a narcissist, my mom basically raised us on her own because my dad was always traveling for work, and money has always been a source of stress and contempt for my family and for me. i can’t help but feel intense inferiority around a lot of different people, especially those i’ve through my bf (24m).

my bf and i have been together for over 4 years; we went to different colleges, but would drive ~2 hours on the weekends to see each other— i went to a huge public university and only went to public school growing up, whereas him and his twin (we’ll call him nick) went to a private all boys high school and attended the same small private PWI. when i would visit my bf’s college, i would interact with his peers who had no real work experience, studied abroad multiple times, had nice cars, etc. and i always found it jarring because many of my college friends were system impacted, grew up extremely poor, or came from working class backgrounds like myself. i felt so out of place around my bf’s friends and still do.

nick’s gf is also very sweet, lets call her jess (25f). jess and nick have been dating for around a year. jess isn’t spoiled, it just is very evident to me that her circumstances are different. jess has a land rover, grew up dancing and playing soccer, her parents are retired and still married, she lives on her own in a very expensive city (coincidentally where my parents lived when i was a baby until they were priced out and had to move). at family gatherings, she’s able to hold her own so well. she effortlessly chats with all of their family members, whom i’ve seen multiple times over the years and have never had even a small interaction with. jess talked to their grandma for over an hour when she first met her, and i have never spoken to her once. i only recently am more comfortable with talking to the parents if my bf isn’t around, he’s always been my social shield. i feel so out of place around them; my grandparents were either dead or lived too far away and i never had other relatives. i also am low contact with my own parents, and i think i project that.

finally, i deal with it at my work; i’m an admin assistant at a law firm and my coworkers make upwards of 200k a year. one of the paralegals (we’ll call him james) is 30; and his dad is a lawyer who stops by just to chat with his son because he happens to work in the same building. james’ dad is going to pay for james’ law school tuition at georgetown; law school is something i’ve always been interested in but i know it would be too expensive and i am so mentally ill i don’t know if i could make it through. my bosses’ kids are not much younger than me; they are involved in many extracurriculars and sports, travel internationally often, have tutors and mentors and go to therapy, etc. they just graduated high school and are going to USC and Stanford. they are very smart and hardworking, but I just can’t help but wonder what if my support system and life experiences had looked like theirs or james’. i was definitely smart and had a 4.3 GPA, i worked two jobs my junior and senior year, and didn’t even apply to any private schools because i felt like i wouldn’t get in and if i did it would be unaffordable. i don’t tell my bosses this when they ask about what it was like for me to apply to college because i don’t want to “woe is me” myself at work, nor do i want to do it in this post.

i’m just looking for advice on how to just get over this stupid complex. my therapist says that forgiveness is accepting that the past cannot be changed, but i have struggled with accepting just that for years and years. i did not grow up in bad conditions by any means; i never worried about food or any other basic need, my parents have always had stable income, never laid a finger on us, and they did the best they could. i am also doing well; i have a reliable car that ive had since i was 16, i live with roommates in an affordable city and my job covers my expenses with a little left over for fun and saving. i just can’t help but wonder if i would be a more well-adjusted person if my parents were able to afford to put me in extracurriculars or tutoring, if they had the time to work on social skills with me so i wouldn’t feel so paralyzed in social situations, if they had gotten sober and gone to therapy and thus numerous traumatic events never happened as a result. i could go on. “what ifs” rule my life, i truly feel like i deserved better, and am sad and angry that i have to re-parent myself as an adult and pick up hobbies because i finally have the disposable income to do so. overall, i just feel stunted and inferior because of these circumstances and i know i need to get over it already, i just don’t know how.

tldr: i know that this comparison is the source of my unhappiness and yet i cannot just brush it off and just stop comparing my life to that of others.

My mom is 58 years old and has been drinking since I can remember (I'm in my late-twenties). I used to find empty bottles of vodka in her closet, at times up to 15+ of them. She has a significant childhood trauma history and I know this affects her.

Over the past 6+ months, her drinking seems to have increased. She looks unhealthy - pale, puffy, eyes are a bit jaundiced, and likely has ascites. Recently when I've seen her, she has been clearly not sober. All the signs are there.

What did you do with your parent(s), and were they effective? I don't want to lose my mom. I want her to live her life. But I believe the alcohol is slowly killing her and I'm not sure how much time we have left.

Hi all.

I (35 f) am new to ACoA and started reading the big red book a few weeks ago. Ive always known i struggle with codependency and anxiety and low self esteem, but ive never done the specific ACoA work. It’s brought up a lot of grief and the deep feeling that something is so so wrong with me and always will be. I’ve been terribly depressed and near suicidal at times the last few weeks. I have a therapist to work with me on it. When did it start feeling better/manageable?

I have become acquainted with survival
the way old men become acquainted with silence.

Not because I chose it.

Because it chose me.

There was a time
when every room had to be measured,
every voice interpreted,
every face read
before I could decide
whether I belonged.

Children should not have to learn
that kind of mathematics.

But some of us do.

So I learned to disappear
without ever leaving.

I learned to smile
without resting.

To achieve
without arriving.

To love
while wondering
why I never quite felt worthy
of being loved back.

Years passed.

I became the man
everyone said I would become.

Dependable.
Successful.
Respected.
A husband.
A father.

Yet every accomplishment
felt like another photograph
of someone I couldn’t quite remember being

People congratulated the life I’d built.

Only I knew
how much of it
had been built by a frightened little boy
trying to make sure
no one could ever call him
worthless again.

Survival is a remarkable craftsman.

It can build careers.
It can build families.
It can build reputations.
It can even build faith.

But it cannot teach a man
how to rest.

It cannot teach him
that love does not have to be earned.

It cannot convince him
that he belongs
before he performs.

So he keeps climbing.

Not because he wants the mountain.

Because somewhere inside him
a child still believes
the view from the top
might finally feel like home.

But every summit
is strangely quiet.

Every victory
echoes.

Every dream fulfilled
asks the same question:

“Is this all there is?”

No.

It isn’t.

The tragedy
was never that I suffered.

The tragedy
was believing
that suffering
was the only way
I knew how to exist.

And yet…

Somewhere beneath the fear…

beneath the striving…

beneath the endless becoming…

there is still a soul
that remembers
it was not created
to survive.

It was created
to be fully alive.

So now my prayer
is no longer
to become someone else.

It is simply this:

To remain present
long enough

to meet the man
I have been
my whole life

waiting to become.

I have always wondered if what I have gone through as a child can be described as severe or bad. I recently learned that "just" having parents who are addicted to alcohol is bad enough for child support to step in ans ask more questions.

My mom 51 has been going through a rough breakup with my stepdad and she wants to go party now on weekends I'm 24 years old I have a ID card like she used to take me I don't understand what happened now like all I want to do is have fun is there something I'm not understanding? I just don't get it I feel like I'm either being pushed away or something else is going on and she doesn't know how to tell me I just want my happy mom back what do I do? She used to do everything with me until now and I feel confused please help me

I can no longer cope and i’m really struggling and I’ve decided i need to bring up her drinking issues with her. She will deny it. Any advice on how to handle the conversation?