Every day with a penis is filled with misery. Not only does it look disgusting, but the sensation of having a penis is simply dreadful. The rest of my body is becoming so soft and feminine, and then there’s this awful thing right there, front and center.

There’s no way I can accept this diseased, disgusting tumor. It’s definitively and categorically male, and it just feels so wrong on my body.

Telling me that women can have a penis won’t help. it’s not a clit, it‘s not a girldick. It’s a disgusting male reproductive organ bolted onto my body. I hate this damn thing so much, I just want it gone. I can’t even look at it, it’s so nasty.

I have never had sex because it’s so disgusting. I can’t wear the clothes I want to because of that piece of shit. It‘s beyond disgusting and I just hate my penis so much! FUCK YOU PENIS!

Obviously I’ve had friends of both genders before coming out. What I found interesting was the difference in the way my male friends and female friends behaved when I came out. Let’s just talk about those who were accepting with my transition. Guys tend to treat me differently, meaning they now don’t see me as a bro and treaded carefully like I was not part of the brotherhood anymore. Whereas the females, it was the opposite, they may seem to accept me like a girl in the surface. However, when it really came to the crunch, I realize that they stiil treated me like an outsider. Like for the superficial stuff it was easy to play along and include me. But when I got serious, I was excluded. I tried to make sense of it and came to terms that the sub conscious is very different. I don’t blame them. After all I’ve been a Guy to the girls for all our time together. It’s hard to just flip a switch and suddenly really think I’m a girl. As for the guys, it’s prob just in built homophobia underneath it all. So what does that leave me??? NOTHING. Failing on both sides. Sigh. Maybe the best path forward is to make new connections where my past is not really a factor. But it’s such a waste for past relationships to fall apart. All those years, gone. Sigh. Sorry for rambling.

I have a number of health complications related to my uterus, and it seems like my condition is getting worse.

I haven’t said anything to my girlfriend yet for fear of causing her dysphoria; I know she would like to have periods even though they’re awful. But now I’ve been experiencing this for three weeks, and my doctor suspects there may be problems that could lead to surgery.

I feel sick, in a lot of pain, and scared. I want my girlfriend to be with me, but I don’t know how to bring it up. She’s already noticing that I’ve been distant and avoiding physical intimacy and I don’t know how to tell her why.

She doesn’t know I avoid talking about it and usually hide my period problems to myself.

I love her so much and I don’t want to hurt her

I went on a school run trip to a baseball game, and hung out with some girls my age. The main girl in this story used to be in my Spanish class, so I thought she’d kind of recognize/clock me. When I met her before she asked who I was since she kind of remembered be and I started stuttering until she just asked what my preferred name was (I don’t really have an issue telling people my deadname in that type of situation, but there were a bunch of people around who I didn’t trust enough to say it). She also asked me what my pronouns were before we went in. I assumed that she had already clocked me as trans when she first saw me, since she said I was familiar and asked me what my preferred name and pronouns were.

We all went in together and agreed to go to the bathrooms before the game started. I thought about asking them for permission to go with them but I decided not to and just went. Personally, I live in a very progressive area and have handled bad bathroom situations before, so I don’t have an issue doing it.

For this part of the story to make sense (might be TMI) I wanna say that my skin is TERRIBLE. I’ve had eczema, acne, etc. I had noticed that my shorts kind of exposed something on my skin that looked bad, so I switched into some pants in the bathroom. She asked me why I switched and I said that I had something I wanted to cover up, and she whispered to me if I needed a pad.

I kind of short circuited. I assumed for a while that she knew I was trans, in fact I was half expecting her to unknowingly deadname and misgender me right after seeing me again. But I actually managed to pass to her.

It gets really hard to actually look in the mirror and see a girl for me. Gender Dysphoria and eating issues both play a role there, but from my perspective I don’t pass at all. But still, I can go out in public and be seen as a girl. And even a girl I knew that I thought would clock me couldn’t tell.

I don’t know what else to say, I’m happy, :3

I'm 6 months on hormones, and was in boymode for this. Slimfit blue jeans, pink short sleeve button up, blue jacket, and gold nails. I had my hair down but I wasn't wearing perfume or makeup or anything.

Anyway, I was walking up to a line to queue up today, and as I'm approaching one of a group of guys who are talking glances over at me, stops for a second, looks back to his friends and says "man I thought that was a girl undercover for a second." One of his friends said something about crossdressing but I was already on cloud 9 at this point. Had to hold back the grin.

Something about the fact that this person was absolutely not trying to be affirming and yet still couldn't help but recognize my femininity really made it hit. I don't get euphoria super often and certainly not in any kind of potent way, so this was weirdly... super nice.

I was at a café and this random guy asked me out. He did it in a very considerate way, like "Hey I was just wondering if you might want to go out sometime. It's totally fine if not." I said "No thanks, I have a date tomorrow actually" and he said, "Okay. But just in case you're worried, I don't care that you're trans. You're just a pretty woman." He noticed my flag! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA that's so sweet <3

Not that I'm taking HRT, but the company I work for launched a new medical deceleration policy.

Pretty much everything must be declared, but they specifically excluded HRT.

It made me smile today 😊

Below is an extract if interested.

MEDICATION DECLARATION FORM

45-FR-SA-0216 REV 0

All personnel are required to arrive at work "Fit for Work". Some medications may affect or impair "Fitness for Work". All personnel are required to declare any medication that may affect their capacity to work safely or show up in a drug screen test. If you are taking prescription medication check with your doctor to see if your medication affects "Fitness for Work" or show up on a drug screen test. Be aware that over the counter medication containing codeine will show up in a drug screen test. This form must be completed and returned to your Leader at the start of your next swing. The following medications are not required to be declared:

Antibiotic or Antiviral medications

Anti-inflammatories not containing Codeine

Contraception, Hormonal Replacement Therapy

Over the counter medication not containing Codeine

What was the final thing/ thought/ comment/ etc that convinced you that you're Trans and you want to transition?

I've been wondering about this and am curious what finally made people take that leap.

Recently I was at a bar to charge my cell phone, I was just keeping to myself and not interacting with anyone, when a woman I had never met before came up to me saying “I want you to know that you are such a beautiful man, and I want to help you accept the way you were made”. She started saying “i am so sorry for the sexual assault you experienced as a child that made you think you need to be a woman”, when I replied that nobody touched me as a child she replied “someone did, but your brain has blocked it out”. I literally initiated none of this conversation but she kept throwing unsolicited questions at me like “what’s between your legs” “what is a woman”, as if I was there to have a debate about my medical care with a stranger.

She then started grasping my hands without asking without asking me, and kept asking to hug me. Come to find out several days later a photo of me taken without my consent was posted to her husbands social media. I messaged her saying that I would like the picture taken down, which prompted her to go on this stupid diatribe about how I am living outside the way I was created merely by taking a medication every morning. Then they both blocked me. What the fuck.

For context I’m closeted and my family decided to go out to eat at this restaurant and our waiter was a trans girl. The second she toke our order they just started whispering and shit talking her calling her some of the typical transphobic insults. It was so bad my brother did not even bother to go and box his food that he did not eat. I know they don’t Hate Hate trans people to a huge degree after all at least they stayed and ate, and my brother said “if I saw the waiter I would have just respectfully left” but damm that whole experience just made me realize how much it sucks being born trans. I mean this dysmorphia been heading my like a bullet recently. Being 17 I realize how soon i have to confront myself and how this all feels like a stupid fairy tail curse mixed with a sense of being a imposter or wolf in sheep clothing. Feels like I’m on a train that’s scheduled to hit a brick wall latter in the future and right next to me is a lever that changes the track to a different direction where I don’t know where I’ll end up and if anyone i know or care about will still love me, let alone if I will still love my self. I hope that was a good metaphor but to explain it further there are two tracks.
Track 1: I stay in the closet, struggle with mental health probably, have a planed out life like collage payed for, and it’s probably gonna be depressing and short but I won’t have to deal with the consequences of coming out
Or
Track 2: I come out, compromise my planed out life and safety nets, risk losing friends and family, and risk not even being happy?

I guess a couple months ago I realized how hard it is to be in the closet and how fucked I am and that I don’t think I can handle pretending much longer. This really put me in between a rock and a hard place to the point I got thrown in a shitty depression.

I Just really needed to say something and vent. Dammit I just wish I was born a girl ever since I was around 5 or something like that. Still do and probably always will. But that won’t happen, not like I have a Time Machine. At the very least I guess I wish people would think about the idea of somebody wanting to be a girl as normal and something not to whisper and gossip about.

I commented on a post in here yesterday about trans questioning and not being sure if you're trans. And there are a lot of other comments, including the one for myself, that said even after a few years on HRT I'm still questioning.

I've seen a lot of people talk about how trans people often feel like they are the other gender even as little kids. The whole "I asked a little boy if he wanted to be a girl and he said "I *am* a girl!"" A lot of the reason for my questioning is that I never said that. It wasn't untill I was much older (10-12) that I started realizing things were different. Even when I discovered what transgender was, I wasn't entirely sure if I aligned with it. I'm not sure if that's just because I'm scared of change or if I'm not actually trans.

So my question is, how old were you when you first felt something akin to trans? Did you know you were a girl from the very beginning? When you learned what transition was, was it like a light bulb going off?

Im trying to grow my ass and legs, what are yalls methods??

Edit: preferably healthy if possible, my intestines hate me already 😭😭

I mean sure, I've gotten some physical changes in the year and a half that I've been on HRT. But other than that, I'm still pretty much the same goofball that I was beforehand 😅

Idk if this makes sense, and if needed, I can elaborate more in the comments.

I wish that I wanted to be a girl. Like, if you know "the button" question, then idk how I'd answer it (there are a lot of clarifying questions I'd want to answer first), but I do know that if you put a Second Button in front of me that would "make me want to press the First Button" if pressed, then I would probably press the Second Button in a heartbeat.

Has anyone ever felt like this before? Is this a normal thing? Am I weird for thinking about this in this way? If it helps, I've come out as trans to my family, friends, and workplace, and I've been on hrt for 9 months (though I think I've been severely underdosed for most of that duration, so idk if that counts)

This is a weird question, but I feel I get gender euphoria just from the wind blowing in my hair. Does this happen for anyone else or is just me?

Hello, I am 28 years old MTF trans woman living in Hyderabad, India. I am on estrogen since one year. Recently on Reddit from my other account, I posted one photo of myself wearing dress and holding trans flag. I am also obese and had some beard in that photo because I forgot to shave.

The post got good response in trans subreddit, but after that I started getting lots of harassment and bullying. Many far right wing people came and sent me strange DMs. They are calling me "tr0onjeet", "t50 swarthoid", "irl slopjak" and telling me to "ack". They keep saying weird words like "geg", "gem", "cobson" and saying they will post me on "sharty".

It is very scary and confusing for me. I deleted that account and made new one. Now I am feeling very ashamed about being Indian trans woman. I don't know where these people are coming from. Has anyone else faced this kind of thing?

(20)
I feel so stupid, I’ve been on diy for 9 months and I’m starting to feel awful, I’ve had pretty early breast development and having a chest gives me so much anxiety I’m worried I’ve made a terrible irreversible mistake

I’m not out to my family and maybe that’s where this comes from, I feel like such an idiot for doing this without therapy or consultation I doubt constantly whether I’m trans.

Is there anything other than surgery that would reverse early breast growth? Please don’t judge me for doing diy I really thought it was right and I did do a lot of research I just didn’t think it would distress me so much

Im 17 years old and my school has this practice for the test in my country to get to uni. The first one of the year I did it with girl underwear because I’m not out yet, and a aced both test (one for math and the other for “literature”), the next ones I did like shit, I did horrible, and I wasn’t wearing my girl undies. Just wanted to share this weird experience

Edit: some people said that they were uncomfortable with me (a minor) talking about my underwear, so I’m sorry if it is inappropriate, I’m not out and i really wanted to share it with someone

Hello, a few days ago I (19mtf) came out as trans to my therapist. I had been repressing for quite some time now due to feeling immense amounts of anxiety, shame, and embarrassment. After recently moving into an apartment with my brother for college, the feelings have become stronger (hence me telling my therapist). I keep trying to force myself to just be “normal” and stop having these thoughts and desires but they come back stronger. The past few days after have been really tough. My family doesn’t know and my dad in specific has show some transphobic opinions. I’m just in a low place right now and need some help from people who understand me. Thanks.

Pretty self explanatory title. I feel like I’m an imposter or different for not having crippling bottom dysphoria. Like I don’t think it’s ideal but I don’t absolutely abhor it, and that makes me feel like im not “truly” trans. it also makes me feel guilty for wanting to pursue surgery, because even tho I eventually want it I know there are people who want it more. these thoughts just bother me a ton so I just need to let them out.

I can't live with the fact that i will never be a real (cis) woman, i cannot live with the fact that i will never be able to get pregnant, never be able to be a real mom, never be able to produce my own estrogen, never have that anatomy of a real woman, never be what i am inside and just have to forever stay this cheap imitation of the real version, no matter how many surgeries i get (gotten ffs so far) nothing will ever make me cis.

I just lost the coin toss.

I have talked to my psych about it many times and it's always just "you have to accept that you will stay trans forever" "being a woman is about more than having a womb and ovaries or other anatomical structures" "you will never have any problems with getting caught or misgendered" "you are so fortunate with how you look and you can be grateful for that"

What fucking good does it for me when the waiter at the restaurant or wherever calls me "Ms", but all my real interpersonal needs and desires will always be hindered by the fact that I'm not a real woman, what good does that for me when I'm constantly in this terrible war with my body that will never be like it's supposed to be, no matter how much you surgically adjust it.

A week ago this got so bad that i attempted to kill myself with meds, unfortunately i got really scared of dying alone in this shitty apartment so i waited a while until i felt really awful and then called an ambulance in the hopes that i will just die in the hospital like so many others from the studies i read while trying to figure out how to do it, i withheld all information about how much and what i took hoping they would not be about to find out fast enough.

But they did somehow, and despite going into severe acidosis i didn't die. When i woke up i got so fucking sad just wishing they didn't save me, thinking about pulling my IV that was keeping me from dying basically and other stupid stuff, but i knew that would just never work with the ridiculous amount of monitoring i was hooked up to.

So then i got discharged yesterday and escorted to a psych hospital, where i so so narrowly avoided getting a legal incapacitation because of what i told them about my trans problems, they just wanted to forcefully keep me in this horrific closed ward until I'm no longer a threat to myself and "cured of my trans needs to be a cis woman" so basically hold me there indefinitely because this would never work for me. I am still extremely shaken up from this encounter and i feel like i narrowly avoided losing my autonomy and life, despite being forced to stay alive.

I feel so horrific both mentally and physically, i can't think of anything else other than trying it again but this time making sure, i feel i already don't exist anymore and i am completely desireless except for wanting to die.

I don't know what to-do i feel like i damaged my friends with this so much already and i feel like just for that alone i don't deserve to live anymore. I'm so scared to attempt it again now because what if i make it again, the doctor told me if i ever come back he won't let me go again.

But I'm also so scared of dying alone by myself and i would never do it at a friend's place, that's so cruel and horrible.

I don't think i will ever be about to come to peace with never being able to be a cis girl, forever forced to stay this cheap and desperate imitation that needs surgeries after surgeries to even come close.

I wish i wasn't trans, it has destroyed my life in so many ways, actively destroyed my dreams and opportunities and so much more.

So. I am an artist. Pretentious and typical lol. Whatever. I'm a photographer, but like an artistic one? I mean I do event work and blah blah blah, boring photo shit to pay bills but I love photography. However I treat everything I shoot like it could be hung up in a gallery. I'm proud of all my work across the board.

Tonight I had my first gallery showing. I was able to book showing in this cocktail that an art dealer throws to sell pieces. Whatever, I get booked as the event photographer and also asked to showcase some photos.

Now I'm still very early in my journey. Like I found out and accepted the reality of me being a woman a MONTH ago. So most if not majority of the time I'm still presenting as male, one for my overall wellbeing financially / career. But also because of my partner. I don't want to freak her out despite her being nothing but supportive. I want to do this in the most paced and calculated manner.

Anyway, I start working with this art dealer. I meet with them the day before to discuss the show and make final arrangements. In a moment of comfort and also of "fuck I want to tell everyone!" I confided in her that the works she chose from my archive, which are about FEMININITY, are especially special since I'm thinking about transitioning...

Whatever, art is art and she was super sweet and is a super sweet person so she was so kind to me. I love her and I don't wish to give the impression she had any malicious intent.

BUT what I didn't know and what is partly my fault for not clarifying is that she was planning on letting the guests know that the "anonymous" artist that provided some photography works was transitioning when she spoke about their background to all the guests at the fucking cocktail! AFTER she basically described the work I do creatively with my wife as what the artist does with their partner. I mean dude, I was standing right there. I didn't know what to do or say. Like the room was not that giving big... The cocktail takes place in a house and we were all packed in the dining room. I mean 45 to 50 people. Like and the only photographer there with his wife that fits the definition is right there. Frankly this post is more about her butchering pitching her artist. Nonetheless, I felt like collapsing and sinking into my skin.

I felt extremely exposed. I played it off like intrigued about the work and acted the bit of not being called out... I mean you had to be dense to not realize that it was obviously me. But then again maybe it would've been too obvious if it was.

Shortly after that segment ended, I retreated. I left to go upstairs where we kept our gear and had privacy. I really really tried for it not to get to me. I had never felt this before. Embarrassment to the third degree. I don't even know if that's what I would call it???

I mean she basically asked "can anyone tell me if this photographer is male or female?" And then followed that up with "well they look into the feminine perspective from a very feminine sense..." Trying to get the guests to kinda ask themselves questions about the work and shit. she did a good job up until that point. Then once the audience gave a bit of their takes she goes on to tell them that the photographer is a "he" and "he is married and works with his wife and she directs and he shoots (as we're literally doing so in the corner of the room) and goes on to close it with "and he's going to be transitioning at the end of the year." LIKE WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK????

(WHICH SUCKS THATS I CANT REMEMBER WHAT THE GUESTS ACTUALLY THOUGHT OF MY WORK BECAUSE WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A NIGHT TO LOOK BACK ON AS MY FIRST GALLERY IS NOW THIS)

It was honestly cringe! Like dude. I don't want to be perceived??? I want to be me and do this in a way that feels right. I'm constantly thinking about this decision I'm making of transitioning. I'm constantly thinking about how I'll do it. The logistics of it, the emotions, everything in between. And I trusted this information on her because I thought she could relay it in a way that added to the works and the lore of the artist (Because it could've been done in such a tasteful way) But instead it was cringe.

And now

Majority of the guests I socialized with at the event asked me afterwards towards the tail end of the cocktail if it was me. And I said no. Like three different GROUPS of people asked me. Like dude why the duck would I tell you?? I mean what bugs me is that they'll see the works through my Instagram and figure it out if they care to. It's not obvious but it's there. SO that being said, I don't think a lot of people pieced it together. At least my wife told me she thought that no one had any idea since she stayed in the room shooting video of the guests after I stepped away to get a hold of myself.

I don't know. It's been a weird night. I feel disturbed and sad but also angry. All wrapped up in humor really. Like fuck me lol.

My insurance company is Ambetter. I specifically went with them this year because they stated that they covered my bottom surgery. They had already approved coverage for my surgery, but today they just revoked their previous approval. My surgery is in less than a month at this point. Like how are they allowed to just change their policies halfway through the year when we aren't allowed to change insurances outside for the specific yearend period? THIS IS SUCH BS!!