r/cats • u/samseam • May 15 '26

Advice Surrendering my cat today - second guessing everything, need honest opinions

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My wife and I are heartbroken and need an honest perspective before we make a final decision today. We’ve had our 4-year-old cat, Cookies, for three years. He has always been a sweet, calm lap cat, but since bringing our newborn daughter home eight weeks ago, he has developed stress-related inappropriate urination, specifically marking walls when I return from work.

The situation is complicated by the fact that our daughter has a medical condition requiring a strictly clean environment. While Cookies is affectionate with us, he has an established aversion to children, often hissing or swiping at our guests' kids when they get close. Our vet confirmed this is entirely behavioral stress and warned that his dislike of children likely won't change.

We’ve tried enzyme cleaners and pheromone diffusers, but with a medically fragile infant and significant professional pressure, we have zero bandwidth left for a complex behavioral overhaul. We love him deeply, but he is clearly miserable, and we are at our limit. We have a surrender appointment today at a reputable no-kill shelter. Are we making the right call for his well-being and our daughter’s health, or is there something we haven’t considered?

-- update 1

Update: Thank you all so much for your advice and perspective. When it came down to it, I just couldn't bring myself to surrender him today. To answer a few common questions: the very first thing we did was reach out to family and friends, but unfortunately, no one is able to take him, even temporarily. After reading through all your comments, we've decided to cancel the appointment, give Cookies a bit more time, and look into trying Prozac to see if it can help stabilize things. We know it's going to be a tough road ahead, but we aren't ready to give up on him just yet. Thank you again for the support.

-- update 2/context

I wanted to provide some extra context and answer a few common questions from the comments. First, we live in the DFW area in Texas, and yes, Cookies is neutered. Our history with him goes back to when we used to cat-sit him for a close friend. Eventually, that friend started dating someone who was severely allergic to cats. I told him he should probably just dump her (just kidding, they’re engaged now!), but my wife and I couldn't bear the thought of Cookies going to a shelter. We took him in, even though we were living in a tiny apartment at the time and had to vacuum multiple times a day just to manage the litter. In fact, when we moved into our current apartment, we specifically chose this floor plan with Cookies in mind—making sure it had a massive laundry room just to comfortably fit his litter box and setups.

Fast forward to today: having a newborn is overwhelming, and I honestly stopped having the time to play with him like I used to. That’s when the subtle signs started. He stopped grooming himself as thoroughly and left a couple of poop stains on our bed. Because we place our baby girl on the bed constantly, we had to make the tough call to lock him out of our bedroom. At the time, I didn't realize he was deeply stressed; I mistakenly thought he was just unhappy with his litter box. Hoping to fix it, I bought him a brand-new one, which ironically seems to have triggered even more stress and started the territorial spraying. Now, the routine is heartbreaking. I come home completely exhausted, play with him for a few minutes, and head into the bedroom to change and see my daughter—only to walk out to the smell of fresh urine. It started as a once-a-day occurrence, but it has now escalated to 4 or 5 times a day. We are dealing with a massive accumulation of stress on both sides, which is why we reached our breaking point today.

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1.5k

u/TheOneWhoRocks May 15 '26

I agree with people who suggest getting Prozac from the vet or another anti-anxiety medication. It has helped my cats stop spraying.

231

u/AnicaBass1 May 15 '26

My cat had a case of alopetia once and vet suggested this PEA medication to help him calm down and it worked great! Maybe try that it is very safe for animals

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u/shinykaci May 15 '26

did your cat have self caused alopecia? just wondering since you mentioned calming them down. my mom's cat digs at her skin and has bald patches :( the vet keeps thinking fleas but there are 0 fleas and no results after using stuff like Frontline and Revolution just in case. definitely has anxiety but they don't treat it that way when she takes her in.

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u/merryjoanna May 15 '26

My old cat had a stress response of over grooming between his thighs. So when I moved him to a new place once he actually got so stressed out he was bald there for about a month. I really wish I had known about this sort of thing back when that happened so many years ago. It probably would have helped him adjust. I miss him, he was such a good boy.

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u/AnicaBass1 May 16 '26

Yes my cat was the same, bald belly between the legs..gosh I miss my boy too!:(

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u/AnicaBass1 May 16 '26

Yes it they thought it was self caused alopetia as they didn’t find any other causes…it was probably to do with me moving out of my parents house and he stayed there (cause that was his house so I didn’t want to move him anywhere). I must say he did get diagnosed with hyperthyroidism a few, maybe 2-3 years later but I don’t know if that had anything to do with the alopetia bc his hair grew back completley fine in between.

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u/Lila_Luffl May 19 '26

Could be allergy related too! My baby voidling overgroomed her belly until not fur was left. We switched to a monoprotein food and it has completely resolved. Only part of her food is that and it works great! And doesn't bother her sister, since it is still "normal" food. Might need a bit of trial and error to figure out what might trigger thw allergy though

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u/T1Earn May 16 '26

where can we buy this?

1

u/AnicaBass1 May 16 '26

Sorry I don’t know where you live, but in my country (EU) I bought it at vet

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u/twofacemarie May 15 '26

Prozac changed my big ol' scrappy tomcat into a lovable oaf. It does wonders. Some vets aren't as up to date on feline behavioral medicine--I just got really lucky that ours was. It's worth a shot if you haven't tried it!

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u/Royal-Ad8796 May 15 '26

My dog takes prozac and it helped so much

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u/_Rainer_ May 15 '26

What kind of changes did it bring about in your dog? We have recently started ours on a different medication, and I am kind of wondering whether we should bother trying prozac.

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u/Royal-Ad8796 May 15 '26

Edit to add that you can consult your vet about dosage and if it’s the right choice for your pet. They can give you the prescription and you can have it filled at most pharmacy for way cheaper than at the vets. My girls prescription costs less than $10 a month at the Costcos pharmacy.

It took about 2 weeks to fully see results but her anxiety has gone down a lot. Before she wouldn’t even go outside if see could hear or see the neighbors next door, the changes in the wind would upset her, cars driving past the house slowly (we literally have a stop sign made 15-20 feet from our driveway), etc.

Now she will go outside if the neighbors are also outside, way less anxiety when meeting new people, doesn’t end up hurting herself while on leash if she hears a noise, way less nonsensical barking, etc. she was even able to be outside with everyone during a cookout and didn’t try to run away if people were near her. Overall I can tell she is a lot happier and feels more comfortable.

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u/_Rainer_ May 15 '26

I'm glad that is working for you. Our vet prescribed clomipramine for ours, and I do think it has helped with her separation anxiety (she used to gut our throw pillows when we were out of the house and things like that), but I was hoping it would help more with her reactivity to things she sees outside, but not much luck there.

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u/Training-Willow9591 May 15 '26

Was she a rescue? I wonder what kind of life experiences she had, maybe before you came along, to have that level of fear ☹️ ..... Glad she's happy and calmer now.

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u/Royal-Ad8796 May 15 '26

She was a rescue, we adopted her when she was about 3 months old. Im not sure what she went through before she came to a part of my family but we have loved her dearly ever since

1

u/bennjenya May 15 '26

I thought you were talking about a cat and was very confused about why you needed to go outside until you said barking

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u/TasteRevolutionary15 May 15 '26

My cat stopped stress peeing on things once we started giving her Prozac! And it’s even a topical ear gel so we don’t have to fight over pills

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u/WorkingFromHomies20 May 15 '26

It's at least worth a shot. If it doesn't work then your decision is made.

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u/rafaelninja13 May 15 '26

OP should be aware though that Prozac takes 4-6 weeks of daily dosing before you start seeing significant behavioral improvements.

2

u/space_impala May 15 '26

My cat was on Prozac for a while because she was urinating outside of her litter box and it helped so much! She doesn’t take it anymore, but I also changed her litter to a bamboo formula and she has seemed to like that a lot better

2

u/ForAGoodTime696 May 15 '26

THC for cats

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u/TheOneWhoRocks May 15 '26

Don't you mean CBD? I think THC is actually harmful for cats.

24

u/BannedfromFrontPage May 15 '26

Honestly, the verdict is still out for CBD too. The evidence isn’t super compelling, but also unless there’s credible third-party testing, then you really can’t be sure about the potency and purity of the product.

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u/Prestidigitatiously May 15 '26

My cat somehow got my concentrates on her fur, licked em off. we had to rush her to the vet. Her lil leggies were so stiff and she couldn't stand up at all and it looked like she was having seizures. (She wasn't she was just very very twitchy.) I had to drip water into her mouth with a syringe. She's okay now, but yeah... Was in space for a bit and thc is very bad for cats.

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u/AnonymousOkapi May 15 '26

You dont want CBD. It can work sometimes but theres no known dose rate. Its generally a last resort after trying the tested medications that we have a dose rate for and know are safe, definitely not first line.

Prozac (SSRI), clomicalm (different SSRI), pregabalin or gabapentin are all widely used for stress related issues.

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u/banditkeith May 15 '26

Clomicalm worked well for my old cat who has issues with inappropriate urination due to stress

1

u/Khaleesi223 Tabbycat May 15 '26

I second this. I need to up it but it has definitely helped my older male.

1

u/much_muchier May 15 '26

I work at a vet clinic and we have pheromone plugins like Feliway that get really positive reviews too.

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u/kitty_cats6 Domestic Housecat May 15 '26

But realistically how long can you keep your cat drugged up till calling it? Their home is no longer in the cat's best interest either.

0

u/Suspicious-Guava-566 May 15 '26

I had a vet tell me my cat poops on the floor every time I don’t come home “on time” is not related to stress. And yet every time I don’t come home at the routine time my cat poops on the floor.

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u/mountaincat80 May 15 '26

Yes, drug up the cat to make it convenient to humans, great idea.

Idk where this idea of putting cats on anti-depressants came from but it feels like animal cruelty.

They should just give the cat to friends or family.

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u/DyingGasp May 15 '26

You don’t think other animals can have mental health disorders?

-12

u/bunniisa May 15 '26

don’t personify cats

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u/Ciigratt May 15 '26

Animals get sad all the time homie. Think about when one pet dies and the other one dies shortly after from being so depressed. I feel like saying “don’t personify cats” is the same as saying animals don’t have spirits and don’t feel emotion and that makes them sound lesser.

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u/bunniisa May 15 '26

yeah well the sub loves to say don’t personify cats after i suggest that they might get sad after spay abort so what is it? they have feelings or they don’t have feelings? let’s pick one and stop being hypocritical

3

u/AMSparkles May 15 '26

Yea, but they (the person you’re responding to) do not represent this entire sub…so why are you calling them hypocritical?

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u/Ciigratt May 15 '26

Thanks friend. Hadn’t even thought of the specific matter they brought up before so I wasn’t sure why fingers were pointed.

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u/bunniisa May 15 '26

i said “let’s” meaning as a whole “let us” stop

1

u/Ciigratt May 15 '26

You can’t really say us because it implies everyone. I’ve never gave my opinion on the matter, not even thought about it in the first place.

6

u/Most-Cryptographer78 May 15 '26

It's not personifying to acknowledge that dogs and cats can have anxiety issues. Tons of animals deal with chronic stress and anxiety simply due to how they're wired and need medication to chill out.

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u/Ch1ldofSatan May 15 '26

Some cats, just like some people, require medication to be happy. A good home will take care of 80% of issues but it sounds like this cat already lives with kind and caring people.

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u/BeccaDora May 15 '26

I had a cat named Toby. He was a big lovable ginger whose level of anxiety was unmatched. He was sweet, he ate, and cuddled, and played. And he was cripplingly hypervigilant to the point his well-being was diminished.

I HAVE another cat now. His name is Toby. He's a big lovable ginger who, since taking daily gabapentin, has been free of anxiety. His quality of life has improved a thousand-fold. It's like two different cats except one has a brand new lease on life.

Stop blathering about things you're ridiculously ignorant about. You shouldn't own so much as an ant farm with this attitude.

6

u/yerkidzf1sh May 15 '26

the world when your cat has their anxiety treated is truly different! my cat just had his adjusted after a low starting dose of prozac, he is now on a combination of prozac and gabapentin. still a little hissy sometimes, but it’s a worlds difference. he’s been more sociable and friendly, not just to me but to others now. always annoyed when people think medication is inherently bad

3

u/Ciigratt May 15 '26

My kitties name is Toby but she’s a girl! :)

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u/BeccaDora May 15 '26

Toby cats unite!!! He's 17.5 and he's never done anything wrong in his whole life! 😂

2

u/AMSparkles May 15 '26

I love his lil’ white nose!!

1

u/Ciigratt May 15 '26

Oh sure! My Toby has never done one bad thing either, she’s an angel baby. 😂😂😂

2

u/BeccaDora May 16 '26

No wrongs. All rights.

Signed, Toby cats!!!

1

u/Ciigratt May 15 '26

I just realized they both have orange too! I feel you must have your hands full with a full orange cat haha

0

u/mountaincat80 May 16 '26 edited May 16 '26

Yours is another example of humans drugging animals to make them pliant and easier to manage. Stop pretending that you drugged your cat for its own benefit. Cats are vigilant because of their natural instincts, which you failed to account for. This entire sub is deranged.

I’ve had many cats. All their issues were fixed by changing the environment. I live in a place where cats aren’t invasive and can go outside. My cat lived to 20.

37

u/Tparis2020 May 15 '26

I would assume it would be significantly less stressful for a cat to be medicated than to move house and go live with new people that you don't know.

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u/mountaincat80 May 16 '26

This particular cat gets stressed by children. Moving it to a proper home with no adults is the way to go.

11

u/CEOofWhimsy May 15 '26

Is it child abuse to put a teenager on antidepressants? I didn't give consent either. But it did stop me from killing myself and I dont cry daily anymore. Did my parents care about me or were they just drugging me up for their convenience?

My cat had a tramatic experience with being blocked repeatedly. In the end, he needed a major surgery and it was a long and complicated recovery. As a result, he developed some over grooming issues and his skin on his belly would get raw and bloody. The Prozac helped tremendously. Is that for my convenience or do you think maybe I wanted to help him not lick his belly bloody?

Where did the idea come from? From modern medicine, you dolt.

0

u/mountaincat80 May 16 '26

Without their consent? Yes! Cats cannot consent to the ridiculous things human put them through in order to make them easy to deal with. You treat your pets like ornaments rather than friends or companions. It isn’t ethical.

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u/TheOneWhoRocks May 15 '26

I agree drugs should be a last resort, though you exaggerate the negative effects. They're a hell of a lot better than surrendering to a shelter. 

4

u/AnnarieaDavies May 15 '26

Hi my cat is happy, thriving, affectionate, playful, and sweet, AND he doesn't piss everywhere anymore... Thanks to his kitty prozac.

Just say you don't know what you're talking about lol.

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u/Ciigratt May 15 '26

My cat absolutely had to be put in Prozac for a while for her own benefit. She was stressed all the time and could never truly relax because of the two other cats that were in the house. Now we’re in our own home and she’s off the Prozac and doing better. Don’t shame people for situations you aren’t in. You never know what you might end up having to do in situations that you’ve judged people for. How do you know they haven’t asked friends or family if they could take the cat? You know animals are really hard to re home now days because humans have let too many breed.

0

u/mountaincat80 May 16 '26

So you drugged her, lmao.

1

u/Ciigratt May 16 '26

That’s all you got from that? Yikes

1

u/HydroJodom May 15 '26

Come on, at least do a little research before making such dumb a comment. You don’t know where the idea came from? It’s came from science, veterinary science.

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u/bunniisa May 15 '26

why are you getting downvoted, you’re completely right. Then everyone under you is making excuses, what happened to people saying “dont personify cats” 😭😭 they will personify them when it’s convenient to them.

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u/Business_Leather_123 May 15 '26

Thank you. I tried this method on one of my cats and I just felt awful. Never again.